Our patient of the week is a six-year-old girl with old-people problems like arthritis and strokes. She also has pubic hair and her period, leading the group to realize that there's something very wrong with her hormones. But before they can deal with the patient's hormones, they must deal with their own. House gets jealous when Cuddy and Wilson enjoy an evening of theater together, although it remains to be seen if he's jealous of Wilson, or Cuddy, or both. He immediately sets about trying to screw around with them, sending Wilson flowers with a note from Cuddy, but Wilson actually figures out his plan and doesn't fall for it. He can't see tumors in his patients, but he can see a House mindfuck coming. Good for him. Meanwhile, Cameron and Chase snipe at each other like little children because their relationship is over. Cameron even stoops to making Chase jealous by encouraging the crush that the brother of the patient of the week has on her. I don't know why she's making Chase jealous when she's the one who said she didn't want a relationship with him, but therein lies logic of Cameron. Cameron also tries to use the Poor Dead Husband card to get the patient of the week's dad to sign a consent form, and House totally calls her on it and makes fun of her, which is amazing. Anyway, the patient's brother starts showing some similar weird hormone problems when he attacks Chase for touching Cameron's arm, and their day care provider starts waxing her upper lip during her lunch break, so House figures out that the kids' father is sleeping with the younger woman and trying to keep up with her by smearing testosterone cream on his penis. A lot of testosterone cream. So much that he's secreting it through his skin and transferring it to his kids and his girlfriend, causing the kids' hormones to go crazy and create medical problems and causing the girlfriend to get hairy. The case is closed, and so, it seems, is Chase and Cameron's relationship. Which is good, since Chase turns out to be all sensitive and a total softie, and he probably deserves better. Speaking of people who probably deserve better, Cuddy is asked out to yet another evening of theater -- this time by House!
We open in a room full of kids doing kid-type activities. One of them has the worst bloody nose ever and is being tended to by his teacher, who tells the kid's father that he got into another fight and now she can't get the bleeding to stop. I think that's because she just keeps smearing the blood around his face instead of tilting his head back and holding his nose closed, but I'm no doctor. Dad takes over and lectures his son that Dad has a lot of things to do today and dealing with a son who can't stop getting into (and, apparently, losing) fights isn't one of them. The teacher wonders if she should call 911, and I'd like to see her try. I'm sure the ambulance will race to the school to tend to a boy with a nosebleed. A mortal wound indeed. A girl, who we learn is the boy's sister and the dad's daughter, runs up and says that she's playing doctor. Dad tells her go away. Seriously. Like that plastic stethoscope is going to do anything to stop the bleeding. At least pretend to be a good doctor. thing you know, she'll be sticking her fellow daycare attendees into a little plastic MRI of DOOOM! and they'll be getting fake seizures. When the boy says that he's starting to feel dizzy, the teacher runs off to call 911. That kid is such a baby! I got hit in the nose once, and it broke and wouldn't stop bleeding for like four hours, and you didn't see me call an ambulance. I am so much more hardcore than an eight-year-old boy. The sister wants attention, so she buzzes around with her doctor stuff until the dad dismisses her again. Finally, the boy's nose has stopped bleeding, but there's something else to worry about -- his sister is lying on the floor having some kind of episode. At least now the ambulance is coming for something worthwhile.
It's the end of another long workday at PPTH, and the Cottages and House are getting ready to leave. That's when Cuddy shows up with a file. House senses the incoming danger of having to do his job and tries to compliment Cuddy out of giving him the file, but it doesn't work. Although Cuddy doesn't seem to mind the flattery. She tells him there's a kindergartner with calcified restrictive pericarditis and hypertension. House has to admit that is an interesting case, unless the kindergartner they're dealing with has been held back like fifty-five times. In which case it's still interesting, but not medically. The girl is in surgery for the heart thing now, so House shrugs it off, saying she'll be in surgery all night and he can deal with it in the morning. Cuddy keeps after him, saying he can get started with the girl's bloodwork tonight. House rudely opens the door to the meeting room into her face, smacking Cuddy in the nose (she fortunately manages to not gush massive amounts of blood, unlike some people), and he tosses the file to the Cottages, who are none too pleased about being kept at work.
They check out the surgery in the OR's balcony seats and go over all the possible reasons why a little girl would get an old-person heart problem. Chase and Cameron immediately squabble over bacterial infections, with Cameron ridiculously saying that the girl might have tuberculosis and dehydration, before Foreman tells them to shut up and test for everything, just like House told them to. Chase says that he'll be heading home, then, and letting Cameron and Foreman do all the work. "House is gonna call us idiots anyway. Might as well be a well-rested idiot," says Chase.
Cut to the morning and to House calling a tired-looking Foreman and Cameron idiots. Foreman angrily says that they've at least eliminated a bunch of stuff, but House doesn't care about any of that. Chase strolls in, holding a coffee with cream and Sweet'N Low in his well-rested hands, and he gives House the pathology reports that just came in on the girl's surgery. He says it looks like a fungal infection. "Nice work," House says. "He went home!" Cameron tattles like a freaking nine-year-old. Okay, yeah, it sucks that you stayed up all night and he didn't, but you don't tell on him for it. Especially not in such a whiny voice. "Work smart, not hard," House says. Chase flashes Cameron an "in your face!" grin, and House sends him and Cameron off to biopsy one of Lucy's lymph nodes. "I would rather Foreman -- " Cameron starts, as if that's going to mean anything to House. In fact, all it would mean is that he's going to be sure to pair her and Chase together as much as possible just to be antagonistic. Chase sips his coffee passive-aggressively while Cameron glowers.
While her brother, Jasper, plays his PSP without bleeding all over the place, the girl we now know as Lucy complains about getting more shots. Chase says that the shots are to make her better, while Jasper imitates the girl's whining, because sibling rivalry never takes a vacation, not even after freaking open-heart surgery. Also, this episode was written by Sara Hess, whose writing ability remains to be seen this week, but whose maverick glassware-separation skills are second to none. Dad asks Cameron how Lucy could have gotten an fungal infection when she never attends gym class, goes swimming, or even plays with the other kids outside ("WARNING WARNING SYMPTOM WARNING" does not flash at the bottom of the screen, but it might as well have), and then he exposits that his wife died last year from brain cancer. "I'm sorry," Cameron says, mentally adding "that I didn't get a chance to marry her before she died." Chase sticks the biopsy needle into Lucy's armpit. Jasper is intrigued until Cameron's necklace catches his attention. "Nice necklace," he tells her, because little boys just love jewelry. He asks her if she likes video games. "Love them!" Cameron totally lies. I find it very hard to believe that she's got a PS3 waiting for her at home. A Wii, maybe, but only so she can make super-cute little Mii people and have them play tennis against each other.
Chase finishes the biopsy, and Lucy asks for her stuffed bunny. Cameron rather cruelly holds it out to her well above the girl's head so she has to reach for it. Unfortunately, Lucy's suddenly got a case of double vision, so now not only is she getting sicker, but she also can't grab her bunny.
House paces and asks what the new double-vision symptom tells them. I think it tells them that Chase can't do a simple lymph node biopsy -- even after a full night's sleep -- without screwing something up. You'll notice that none of them were involved in the heart surgery, and Lucy came through that just fine. As soon as they touch her with a needle to get a sample for biopsy, she can't see straight. Cameron says that it's uvitis, and not a result of the surgery. Chase adds it's not from a fungal infection either, as the biopsy was clean. House groans that they're back to square one. Foreman points out that they're a little better off than that, since they've eliminated more diseases. You'd think Foreman would learn that House doesn't care about the number of diseases you eliminate, since a few scenes ago, House freaking said he didn't care about how many diseases they eliminated, but apparently not. Foreman thinks Lucy has an autoimmune disorder, although I'm not sure if he actually thinks that or just wanted to give Cameron the immunologist a reason to speak up so that she and Chase could get in a fight and the attention would be deflected off of him. This happens, but House breaks it up way too quickly by asking if anyone found it off that Lucy doesn't have the typically scraped and scarred knees of a typical six-year-old. Cameron says that Lucy doesn't like to run around outside and play. Cameron doesn't think anything of that, since we all know she spent most of her youth holed up in her house reading books or whatever while the rest of the neighborhood laughed and played and sang outside, but House thinks Lucy is inactive because her joints hurt.
"Juvenile rheumatoid arthritis," House explains to Wilson on his way into a clinic exam room. While they wait for the test results to come back, they're treating Lucy with steroids as if they already know she has JRA. Wilson is shocked to see an actual patient in the exam room. House says that some patient he saved gave him a pair of tickets to "the theater." He offers them to Wilson, who thinks House is asking him to go with him. "You thought this was a date?" House asks, and Wilson looks crushed. Meanwhile, the patient rattles off his symptoms of frequent urination, stomach and back pain, and trouble concentrating in class. Frequent urination? Sounds like OCD Or diabetes. House offers Wilson both tickets. Wilson still wants to go with House, who says that "dudes only go to plays if they're dragged by women they're hoping to see naked." The clinic patient looks from House to Wilson and draws his own conclusions. I don't know how much I like Wilson on his own, but he's certainly at his best in scenes like this with House. We haven't had them so much in the last two seasons. It's good to see them again. As for the Magic Schoolbus Cam, I'm thinking it'll be dropped entirely by the end of this season and let out of its contract. Too bad; I like the Magic Schoolbus Cam when it's showing us something useful and not wasting its time on neurons with electricity on them. Anyway, House says he's sure that Wilson can find someone he wants to see naked whom he can invite to the play. Wilson takes the tickets and leaves to figure out a way to phrase his invitation to House for a night of theater.
House asks the patient for a urine sample. The guy quickly refuses, saying he can't pee in public bathrooms. Aw, someone's shy. I don't blame him -- if I were a guy, I wouldn't be able to pee in public either. Why do they have to use those urinals that are so exposed? It doesn't seem fair when women get huge bathroom stalls to luxuriate in. Of course, we have to wait in line for years to get into those stalls, so it evens out. The guy says he can take the urine cup home, pee there, and come back. House gives him an "I don't have time for your weird crap today" look. By the way, this is House's default expression.
Foreman's talking to Lucy's dad about arthritis. Lucy's dad, by the way, is named "Deran," in a nice shout-out to Deran Serafian, occasional episode director and my nemesis. If the Deran character starts looking into people's nostrils for no reason while all the action is taking place elsewhere, the shout-out will be complete. Deran doesn't understand how Lucy could have arthritis, which he thought was only for old people. Yeah, Deran, I'm pretty sure that's why it's called "JUVENILE rheumatoid arthritis." Way to listen. Foreman slowly explains that this is an autoimmune disease. Her own body is attacking its joints, eyes, and heart. "It can be crippling, but it can also go into complete remission," Foreman explains, saying the chances of this are good since they caught it early. Um ... how early can it possibly be if the girl's heart gave out? I feel like open-heart surgery is a later-stage symptom. Lucy starts fussing. She gives her dad a wink... oh, wait, that's not a wink. She's having a stroke.
After the break, Foreman tells the group that Lucy's stroke was caused by a clot. She's on blood thinners now, and they'll see how much brain damage there was when she wakes up. "Arthritis, heart disease ... why can't this kid act her age?" says House, although he clearly doesn't approve of having to say the episode's almost-titular line. That stuff is cheesy, and House is too cool for it. time, give the titular line to Cameron. Speaking of Cameron, she walks in and says that Lucy's blood is "thicker than pancake batter." But how awesome would it be if Lucy's blood were actual pancake batter? Unless you didn't like pancakes; then it would suck. House says that "thick blood" caused the stroke and the juvenile rheumatoid arthitis. But what caused the thick blood? Chase says that it could be a lack of oxygen from cigarette smoke, and Cameron scoffs at the thought of a six-year-old being a smoker. Chase says Deran could be the smoker, and Cameron simply says, "He's not." How does she know? And why is she so mad at Chase when he's the one who got rejected? House again interrupts their fight before it can get good. He says that Chase is right, and Chase immediately turns to smile in Cameron's face while House tells them to check out Deran's house for cigarettes and carbon monoxide leaks. Cameron's mouth drops open, ready to protest. "You're intentionally punishing us!" she accuses. Right, Cameron, because you're never sent to examine patients' homes on the flimsiest of evidence. This is clearly all about you and not about the dying little girl you're supposed to be saving.
Cameron and Chase finish what must have been a very awkward ride in the elevator and enter the lobby. Cameron shoots Chase angry glares, like a child, while he pretends she doesn't exist, like a teenager. Jasper runs up with a bouquet of flowers. He gives them to Cameron and says they're for helping his sister, even though Chase was the one who did the biopsy, and that didn't really help so much as make Lucy's eye all wonky. But Cameron is thrilled at the gift anyway. Chase harshly asks Jasper if his dad knows where he is, then she takes the card from the bouquet and reads it aloud. It's clearly meant for someone else, possibly for someone at another hospital, as it congratulates the patient on her "bundle of joy," and ain't no babies getting born healthy at PPTH. For a guy who's observant enough to notice someone's necklace from across the room, Jasper sure did drop the ball when he didn't even bother to remove the card. Cameron gives the flowers back, smiling and saying that Jasper should give them back to the person they belong to. Chase takes a harder approach, summoning a burly security guard to accompany Jasper on this mission. The security guard agrees to Chase's request without saying anything about how he's got better things to do with his day than babysit. Then again, considering how crappy the PPTH security team is when it comes to random guys shooting staff members, maybe this is all they're good for. Chase gives Cameron a "ha ha, I took your flowers away" look, which causes her to make a move to preserve her upper hand. She does this by stopping Jasper, taking a flower out of the bouquet for herself, and kissing him on the cheek. Yes, stealing from new mothers and flirting with little kids certainly is the way to supremacy. One point for you, Cammy.
Foreman is stuck draining blood from Lucy's body to thin it out. How very medieval! Will they be diagnosing Lucy with bad humours ? Foreman says that this is only until the drug they're giving Lucy to suppress her red cell production takes effect. Then, Foreman says, she'll probably "make a full recovery." Yeah, except that they don't know what caused the red blood cell overproduction in the first place, and they don't know how much brain damage Lucy has from the stroke, either. Deran points this out, saying that Lucy hasn't spoken yet. "Give her time," Foreman whispers. He's not as reassuring as he thinks he is. Meanwhile, Jasper glides into the room, thanks to the shoes he's wearing that have those little wheels in the heel. I guess they're called Heelies? I think of them as "the things those kids are wearing when they crash into me at the mall." They do look like fun, though. Why don't they make them for adults? Deran dismisses the security guard and tells Jasper not to run off without telling him. Jasper says he won't, but he's not at all sincere and asks for two dollars.
Over at the Deran house, Cameron is running a carbon monoxide detector wand in the oven and wherever else carbon monoxide can be found, while Chase looks for secret cigarette stashes. Finally, he can't take it anymore and asks Cameron why she took the flower and kissed the kid. Cameron says he was sweet and eight years old -- it's harmless. Chase thinks she's trying to make him jealous, which is the kind of mentality you're expect from a guy who kissed a nine-year-old girl. Cameron sarcastically says she's trying to get Chase to profess his love for her: "Oh, wait, you already did that, and it caused me to end our relationship." I have never known someone to be so angry at someone else for having feelings for her.
Chase chases Cameron through the house, showing her bad report cards and discipline reports on Jasper. "Bad boys are hard to resist," he sneers. Like you're any more of a catch, getting all pissy about a little boy and going through his school reports. Cameron says that Jasper has a harmless crush on her. "It's never harmless," Chase says. "So I'm learning," Cameron mutters. Have these people never had a relationship before? Have they never ended a relationship before? Have they ever had to work with someone they didn't like? Why are they acting like such tools? Chase finally attempts to act like an adult and asks if this is going to be their relationship from now on, sniping at each other. "I'm not sniping, I'm looking for a vent," Cameron says. Yes, and sniping. Cameron finds her vent under Lucy's bed. Chase follows her under there, and they both realize that this is ridiculous and they can't keep acting this way. Cameron says that she's mad at Chase for ruining their "really good thing" by breaking the rules. Well, he didn't do it on purpose, Cameron. I know you can't be used to people actually having positive feelings for you, but apparently, it happens, and it's not really fair of you to be mad at someone for it. "I'll get over it," Cameron says. How magnanimous of her! What a fucking gesture! It's too bad they're under the bed so there isn't enough room for Chase to kiss her feet at her incredible generosity towards him! With that, they turn their attention back to the vent. They find a bloody T-shirt stuffed inside it. Ewww.
They run back to House with the T-shirt in a Ziploc bag for easy police-evidence-storage purposes. Cameron says that Lucy is being abused. Foreman doesn't think she should jump to that conclusion: "Kids get hurt all the time." But even Chase has to agree with Cameron on this. A large amount of blood on a T-shirt hidden in a vent means that something fishy is going on. "Oh, crap," Foreman says. At first, I thought he was upset because he realized that they were right about the kid and child abuse makes him angry. But no, he's just mad that Chase and Cameron are agreeing with each other, as it means that they must be sleeping together again. Cameron says that the dad's stress over his dead wife and Lucy's social isolation are classic signs of child abuse. Foreman says that Lucy doesn't have any bruises or marks on her body to indicate abuse. Meanwhile, House sits back and thinks about ice baths or something. Cameron says that the abuse could be sexual, and they should call social services. "Well, this sucks," House says. Gullible me, I thought he was upset on behalf of the child, but no -- he's upset that they'll have to "waste" half a day figuring out if Lucy's being abused or not. He orders a "full" physical examination of Lucy. Chase points out that Deran's not going to give them permission to check her private areas for abuse if he's the one abusing her. "Never is just reven spelled backwards," House says. And by "reven" he apparently means "giving the consent form to Foreman and hoping he can find a way to do this."
Deran exits Lucy's room to find an angry Foreman glaring at him. Foreman produces the bloody T-shirt and says that they think he's abusing his daughter. And if he isn't, then someone else is, and Deran's too inattentive to notice. For instance, Deran can't even keep track of Jasper, who keeps disappearing. Jasper needs a good smack to keep him in line, I think. Just not near his nose, or it'll start bleeding again. At this point, I got the sinking feeling that Jasper was somehow involved in the abuse. I'm glad they didn't go there. Foreman says that they need to do a vaginal exam, and they can either do it now with his consent, or three days from now after getting social services involved. If Deran really cares about his daughter and doesn't want to waste precious time that could be spent saving her, he'll consent. He does. Does Lucy get a say in this at all? I know she's six, but...it's still her vagina.
Worse yet, Cameron's the one doing the exam. She carefully checks everything out in a montage and then puts on the rubber gloves. They can cut any time now. "Bend your knees, keep your ankles together," Cameron says. Seriously, cut. End the scene. We get it. But no, we see Cameron apparently checking things out. "Oh my god," she says. Cameron! Don't react like that in front of the kid! Poor thing is traumatized enough already that you're looking at that and presumably poking around there, and you have to give a horrified "oh my god" at the sight too?
Later, Cameron explains to the Cottages what her outburst was about. She found a ton of little cuts all over Lucy's private area. Chase says that Lucy could be doing it herself; she's a little young for self-mutilation, but she's a little young for a stroke, too. Maybe it's a reaction to being molested. It doesn't give them any clues, though, since Cameron says that the cuts weren't deep enough to account for all the blood. Wow, she really did do a thorough exam. She says there's no evidence of sexual penetration or any kind of abuse, so the blood couldn't be from there. Foreman wonders if the blood is even Lucy's.
Meanwhile, House's clinic patient has returned for the results of his urine test. House suspects that the patient gave him someone else's urine, so he wants to do a blood test right here and now. Clinic Patient asks why he'd give House someone else's urine, and House says that he thinks it's because the person the urine belongs to doesn't have insurance and Clinic Patient does, so Clinic Patient is going in on that person's behalf and using his urine. House points out the stupidity of this, given that PPTH is a free clinic. I can't believe someone would go to all that trouble but not, like, look up PPTH to see if her non-insurance-having ass could afford it. And it is a she, as we know since the donator of the urine sample is pregnant. House would be happy to kill the fetus for her, which might be best for everyone, since that baby is clearly not getting very intelligent genes from either of its parents.
Cuddy calls House outside to yell at him for not calling social services about his possible abuse victim. House has more important things to worry about: namely, why Cuddy is wearing extra concealer under her eyes. House says that since Deran consented to the exam, they know he isn't her abuser (not really, but okay), and more importantly, House thinks Cuddy was up late last night, and he knows why. "PANTY HAMSTER GET A SPIN ON ITS WHEEL?!?!" he asks Cuddy and the entire staff of the clinic. Cuddy's face as she figures out what House means by "panty hamster" is great. Mine probably wasn't. "Panty hamster" is gross. Not as gross as "axe wound" or "roast beef curtains," but still gross. Cuddy cryptically says she "went to a play" and orders House back to his office to call social services.
Do you really think he's going to do that? Not when he has Wilson to yell at for taking his girl out to a play! "You're trying to have sex with Cuddy," House says, trying not to turn green with envy. Wilson says that House might only take women to plays to have sex with them, but not Wilson. He truly enjoys the theater. So did the last guy who took me to the theater. By the way, that guy was gay. I'm just saying. Wilson says he took Cuddy out "as a friend." "A friend with a squish mitten," House says. Okay, that's worse than "panty hamster," "axe wound," or "roast beef curtains." It also evokes a very strange mental image. I don't want to mentally see Cuddy's privates represented as a squishy mitten anymore than I wanted to see the "vaginal examination on a six-year-old" montage. Wilson gets tired of House and says he slept with Cuddy. House's look of wide-eyed shock, betrayal, and sadness is awesome. "...Seriously?" he asks. Wilson admits he was lying. House doesn't think so. Wilson says that he did, in fact, sleep with Cuddy. "...Seriously?" House asks again, looking both upset and admiring. Wilson says that he didn't, and that House has a problem. And that problem is he's in love with Cuddy. But there's no time for that discussion, because Foreman comes in and says that they tested the blood on the T-shirt. It is Lucy's blood, but it's full of endometrial cells. Which means Lucy is having her period and has started puberty. This also means that Cameron really sucks at doing vaginal exams. How could she not notice? Surely Lucy would have, like, breasts or hair in other places besides her squish mitten. And wouldn't she at least have, like, stubble there? And yet, they didn't notice any even when they were right in her armpit doing that biopsy. So at this point, I'm going to have to let some medical stuff slide and kick back and enjoy the show for what it is and the dramatic license it has to take.
Deran can't believe this. "She was in diapers two years ago," he says of Lucy. How embarrassing for Lucy, to be four and still in diapers. She must have been the only kid in nursery school with diapers. No wonder she doesn't have any friends. Anyway, at the rate she's aging, she'll be back in diapers in another two years. Cameron says that Lucy's body is secreting too much sex hormone and her reproductive system got "confused." Or maybe her reproductive system got bored and was eager to get going and jumped the gun a little bit. "I haven't even talked to her about sex," Deran says. He was sort of hoping his wife would be alive to deal with that talk. "Girls talk to their moms about that," he says. They sure do, unless they're on 7th Heaven, in which case they get super-excited about going tampon-shopping with their dads. Deran takes a knee at Lucy's bedside and says that she'll be okay and he loves her. "I...want...juice," Lucy says. Everyone's happy that she's finally talking again.
Fortunately, we don't have to see Cameron give the "welcome to womanhood" speech. Instead, Cameron tells the Cottages and House that Lucy got her period, freaked out and stuffed a T-shirt in her underwear to catch the flow, and then used Deran's razor to shave off her pubic hair when that grew in. Being six and inexperienced, she wasn't very good at shaving, which explains the cuts. What it doesn't explain is why a six-year-old wouldn't go screaming to her father the minute she noticed she was bleeding down there. Or why she'd think that the pubic hair was something to be cut off or be ashamed of and not mentioned to anyone. Yeah, it's in an embarrassing place, but six is too young to really be aware of all that. Anyway, Foreman thinks they're dealing with a pituitary tumor. Cameron regales us all with a tale of Puerto Rican kids in the 70s growing breasts because of estrogen in the poultry. She thinks that Deran is feeding his kids crappy food packed with hormones while he tries to learn to cook like their dead mother used to. House ignores Cameron's pleas about environmental sources and focuses on the tumor. He tells Foreman to do an MRI while Cameron goes off to defy House and gather environmental causes from Lucy's home anyway.
Foreman and Chase hang out in the booth while Lucy gets an MRI of DOOOM! Chase decides to tell Foreman that Cameron dumped him. "Not interested," Foreman says, even though he clearly is. He's been talking about it more than anyone else. "I wanted more," Chase continues; "she didn't share my feelings." "I feel like I'm in a similar position," Foreman says. Except that as soon as Chase stops talking about it and goes back to work, Foreman brings him back to the subject of Cameron. He says Cameron was either lying that she didn't share those feelings or she really doesn't have them. An emotionally detached Cameron, Foreman says, is not the Cameron they know. Foreman finally finds a tumor. Not in Lucy's brain, but in her ovary.
House peruses a magazine in the hospital gift shop. He closes it with a smile and tells the clerk, "They printed my letter." Clearly, House was reading Penthouse, even though the cover of the magazine was about pterodactyls and probably the further adventures of Bat Boy. Wilson runs up, all upset because House was right after all: the theater has some kind of strange aphrodisiac effect on women, and now Cuddy has sent Wilson flowers with a note attached that reads: "Let's do it again. Soon. xx Lisa." "Soon is its own sentence!" Wilson panics. He spots Cuddy across the hall and runs away. House enters the clinic and boasts that the tabloid magazine printed his letter and that Wilson's acting weird because House sent him flowers. The smile on House's face is priceless. It's no surprise to me. The Cuddy I know wouldn't send a man flowers (who would?), nor would she write such a silly letter.
Cameron returns to the office with her arms full of possible hormone sources from Deran's house. Jasper heelies up to her and asks if Chase is her boyfriend. Cameron says no, and Jasper offers to be her boyfriend. You've got to admire the kid for trying. "I...think that wouldn't be fair to the girls your own age," Cameron says. I think it would be very fair. I'm sure they aren't missing out on anything not being able to date obnoxious brat Jasper of the frequent bloody noses. He says Chase "seems like a tool." Cameron decides to walk Jasper back to his father. Jasper reaches out and grabs Cameron's ass. When she turns around, shocked, he gives her an eyebrow raise. Eewww.
Foreman and Chase try to get a sample of the ovary mass for a biopsy, but Lucy goes into V-fib and has to be shocked back to life. Chase claims that it's a reaction to the red-cell-producing drugs they gave her and not his suckitude at biopsy-getting. He's 0-for-2 at that for this episode, by the way. Foreman has worse news: the growth they thought was the puberty-creating tumor is just a benign cyst. No one takes this opportunity to say "it's not a tumor" in his best Schwarzenegger voice, but Cameron does take the time to say that they must be looking at an environmental source after all, and it's a good thing she brought all that crap from Deran's house. It's a lot of crap, too, and Foreman takes one look at it and decides to leave the job to Chase and Cameron while he gets a full night's rest. Ha!
Chase is grabbing a late-night coffee. Cameron is very familiar with the machine since she keeps getting screwed with the overnight shifts, and she tells him not to get a mochaccino, since someone put hot cocoa in there by accident. She also tells him that he was right about Jasper's crush. He grabbed her ass. Chase takes this discussion as a gesture of friendliness and responds in kind. Incredibly attractive smiles are exchanged. Cameron apologizes to Chase for misleading him and hurting him. Glad she's over it now. Chase pushes his luck and says that Cameron never misled him -- she does have feelings for him. Chase points out that if Cameron can have feelings for puppies and random patients, surely she has feelings for a co-worker of three years she's had sex with. He strokes her hand, but the mood is ruined when a screaming Jasper runs up and tackles Chase, biting his arm. Chase flails around and pretty much gets his ass kicked by an eight-year-old. Man, first Chase gets hit by a mob guy, then a cripple, and now an eight-year-old? By the end of the series, baby-fetuses will be reaching out of their mother's wombs to punch Chase in the stomach. Cameron restrains Jasper while Chase stares at the bite marks on his arm and tries not to cry.
House is at home watching wrestling when the phone rings. It's Chase and Cameron informing him that Chase was bitten by a little boy. House doesn't care and hangs up. I don't know what they were expecting. House goes back to watching wrestling, and then he gets an idea. He calls Chase and Cameron back and says that Jasper isn't being a sociopath at all -- he's being a guy with a crush and way too many hormones. Which means the same thing that's affecting Lucy is affecting Jasper. And yet, his voice hasn't even begun to change.
After commercials, Chase says they found one hundred times the normal level of testosterone in Jasper's body but couldn't find the tumor causing it. Foreman says it must be something environmental, then, and that it's something both Jasper and Lucy have come in contact with. Cameron not-so-subtlely wonders why Foreman doesn't know that they were up all night testing everything in the Deran house and came up with no sources. "You went home?" House asks Foreman. "Good for you!" Cameron can't believe this, although I don't know what she was expecting after House congratulated Chase for doing the same thing. I do love watching everyone stick it to her, though, and watching her moral outrage response.
Chase wonders if they're looking at something genetic. He points out that Lucy and Jasper's mother might have died from the same thing. Cameron doubts this, saying they didn't find any tumors in Jasper's brain or Lucy's, and that the mom didn't show these symptoms before she died. Chase says that if the symptoms are pubic hair and menstruation, then she did. "That's ridiculous. If menstruation is a symptom of brain cancer, then I should be on chemo right now," Cameron overshares. I guess this explains why she's being so bitchy to Chase, though. "That's ridiculous. You're way too skinny to be menstruating," House responds. He tells them to pull the mother's medical files and look for any similarities, and to be sure to bleed Jasper out so he doesn't have a stroke like his sister. I'm sure Chase would be happy to oblige.
But no, Foreman's the one who gets to bleed Jasper, who angrily requests Cameron instead. Get the hint, Jasper -- she doesn't have feelings for you. Hotter guys than you have been similarly rejected. Foreman ignores Jasper and talks to Deran, who asks if Jasper's recent behavioral problems are because of the testosterone. Foreman says that they probably are. I didn't know testosterone made you an obnoxious asshole, but I can't say that I'm surprised. Lucy starts crying out that her tummy hurts. Jasper tells her to stop being a baby, because testosterone makes you mean to your sister. Lucy starts screaming in pain.
There are cysts all over Lucy's internal organs. The hormones, Foreman explains, are causing the cysts. If she gets one in the wrong place, she'll be dead. Cameron and Chase finish looking through the mom's medical files and find nothing of import. Cameron concludes that they've ruled out environmental and genetic causes, so it must be a pituitary tumor. One of those special ones that siblings coincidentally get at the same time but no one can see on the scans. House thinks it must be environmental, but the Cottages protest that Lucy is out of her environment and getting worse and they haven't found anything in her environment after a night of testing. Cameron decides to take matters into her own hands, just like Chase and Foreman did when they decided to go home and let everyone else do the work. This time, House does not congratulate her gumption, but instead tells her not to. He points out that they have no evidence that it's a brain tumor, and considering that the source is a guy who will do just about anything to his patients with evidence like "he dove into water that was cold," that's pretty big. But Cameron won't be moved unless it's towards Deran with a consent form.
House finds Cameron telling Deran to sign a consent form allowing them to remove Lucy's pituitary, the "most likely cause" of her hormone problems. House goes the full-disclosure route and says that "most likely" means that they don't know if a pituitary tumor is the problem and may very well take it out for no good reason. Cameron says that they've ruled out every other option, and House interrupts her/ignores her and asks Deran if he has a girlfriend or someone who's in contact with his children. "No one visits," Deran says, probably wondering why everyone in this hospital keeps bullying him into signing these horrible consent forms. Deran does say that while Lucy and Jasper go to different schools, they attend the same day care center. None of the other kids there are sick, though. "Yet," says House.
Cameron thinks that Lucy will die if they wait for the other kids to show symptoms. House thinks that without a pituitary gland, Lucy will be on hormone replacement therapy for the rest of her life. Cameron says that HRT is "extremely effective" and Lucy will lead a "relatively normal life." Yeah, when she's not getting the cancer that HRT has been linked to and that she's genetically predisposed towards. In other words, it's not something you want to do for the rest of your life unless you absolutely have to. Cameron thinks Lucy does absolutely have to, but House thinks she doesn't. It's really unprofessional of them to argue about it in front of the patient's family. When House seems to be getting the winning edge in the argument, Cameron is forced to pull out her trump card: "My husband died of thyroid cancer that metastasized to his brain." Deran looks at her like, "Why are you telling me this?" Cameron: "I've been there. I know how terrifying this can be." Oh, do you really, Cameron? Did you have a dying daughter to deal with after your husband died? No. House is appalled: "You did not just play the dead husband card!" Of course she did! It's all she has and the basis of all her emotional responses. House fires right back with "My wife died because she signed a consent form that I didn't want her to sign. Died," he says, overcome with fake grief. I laugh and clap my hands with glee. No, really, I do. At this point, Deran just wants these horrible people to leave him alone, so he signs the consent form. Cameron refrains from dancing in victory. House doesn't fire her and rip the form into tiny pieces. He does, however, ask Deran how he knew that none of the other day care kids were sick. "I would have heard," Deran says, looking rather shifty.
So House takes a trip to one of the worst places you can find him: a day care center. He looks at all the annoying babies he never got a chance to abort and singles one out for traumatic memories: a little girl who looks up to see an unshaven man who asks, "Do you have hair on your special place?" People got a little eeked out by this, as seeing a middle-aged man inquire about a little girl's private area is kind of eek-worthy, but hey: at least he didn't call it a squish mitten. Fortunately, the girl's had a few Stranger Danger classes, and she immediately yells for her teacher and runs over to her. The teacher walks up, and House says that he suspects that she's dating Lucy and Jasper's dad. The teacher plays it cool and admits nothing.
Oh, no, wait, she doesn't. She freaks out just like she did when Jasper got a bloody nose and is all, "He told you?" House asks her if she's brought anything to the kids' house that could have a ridiculous amount of hormones in it. The teacher firmly states she's never been to the house, as she and Deran thought it was too soon after their mom died for the kids to see their dad dating someone. I think any time would be too soon to see your dad dating your day care teacher. Using the same keen observation skills he used to detect the unusual amount of concealer under Cuddy's eyes, House sees a problem on the teacher's face. I thought he was looking at her eyes, one of which is totally looking in a different direction than the other (which has been a symptom of bad stuff in the past), but he's actually looking at a red mark on her upper lip, the remains of a lip wax she got earlier than day. House finds it odd that she didn't get a mani-pedi, too, saying that "women get a wax as part of a whole self-indulgent beauty ritual." Because nothing says self-indulgent like having hair ripped out of your body in mass quantities. It certainly screams luxury when you're not screaming in pain from it. No one runs out during her lunch hour for a lip wax, House says, unless she's got a twelve o'clock shadow that needs to be ripped away. "You're an ass," says the teacher. She is going to catch such crap from the kids for swearing in front of them. House dials Cameron -- who annoyingly answers the phone with "Cameron" -- and says, "It's always the dad."
It turns out that the teacher's excess facial hair was a sign of a hormonal imbalance. That's the same thing Lucy and Jasper have. All three people are close to Deran. More specifically, House says, "There's something wrong in your pants." Is it a squish mitten? Because that is wrong. While House grins in triumph and correct guessingness, Deran says that the teacher is younger than he is, and he uses a "male enhancement cream" to "keep up [with her]." Like a total moron, Deran smears his private parts with some mail-order testosterone cream instead of seeing a doctor and getting a prescription. I'm...not exactly sure what rubbing testosterone into your deal can really do to maintain an erection, but okay. Deran says there's no way it has anything to do with what's happening to Lucy and Jasper, as he keeps the bottle in the gym, which is the only place he applies it. House points out that thirty percent of human waste is excreted through the skin, which is gross. It's also why you smell like garlic after eating it -- some of it is coming out of your pores. Part of me wants to run to the nearest sauna and sweat out some of the toxins I'm sure I have in my body, while the other part never wants to go near a sauna again and be around all the nasty toxins that have been excreted there. Anyway, Deran is sweating excess testosterone. Every time he touches his kids, he's giving it to them. He must have been putting on a hell of a lot of cream. The bad news is that Deran made both of his kids sick. The good news is that all he has to do is stop using that testosterone cream, and they'll be fine. House looks at Jasper, who's tormenting his sister by taking her bunny away. "He'll still be eight," House says. Better to be an eight-year-old eight-year-old than a twelve-year-old forty-something doctor.
House is catching up on the latest in fake news when Wilson comes in looking upset. "You okay?" House asks, trying his hardest to look caring. Wilson says that he's upset about the Cuddy situation. House tells him to talk to her and "be straight with her." "I'm not sure what that is," Wilson says. It's certainly not this scene so far. You can't tell me that wasn't a little wink at the people who see more than just friendship in Wilson and House's interaction. I don't think it's more than a wink, though, since Wilson continues on to say that ever since he found out Cuddy had feelings for him, he can't stop thinking about her. "In what way?" House asks, a "my clever revenge plan just backfired horribly" look crossing his face. Yes, Hugh Laurie is just that good at communicating such specific feelings in a facial expression that lasts for less than a second. I don't say it enough, because then my recaps would be twice as long as they already are, but there you go. Wilson's problem now is how to approach Cuddy about this. House says that Cameron would tell him to share his feelings. House's approach would be to get her drunk. And then share his feelings, probably. Wilson gets all determined and says he's not going to say anything, he's just going to walk into her office and kiss her. House's eyes positively sparkle with delight as he considers Cuddy's outraged reaction to this. He snickers and says it's a "bold move." And he continues evilly: "Cuddy likes bold." Wilson seems to be waiting for House to talk him out of it, and I'm waiting for House to come clean and not send his friend off to a sexual assault charge. But he doesn't! Wilson gets up and leaves the office. House does not call after him.
Wilson comes running back in, girlishly furious at House for sending him out to that. Ah, he knew the flowers weren't from Cuddy all along. He can't see testicles on an MRI, but he can see through House's pathetic attempt to impersonate a lovestruck Cuddy on a flower card. Wilson is practically stomping his feet on the floor as he accuses House of sending him those flowers. House says that Wilson took Cuddy to a play, so he must have those feelings for her. Yes, maybe that's the reason. Or maybe House was pissed at Wilson for taking his girl out with his tickets and wanted to make him look ridiculous as revenge. Wilson sighs and admits that House is right: he really does want Cuddy. "...Seriously?" House asks. "No. You're a jerk," Wilson says. House looks very relieved and smiles. They wish each other a good night, and everything is back to normal. And Wilson will never ask Cuddy out again.
Cameron enters the locker room, where she finds Chase just leaving. She also finds a bouquet of flowers on top of her locker with a card that reads: "Not stolen." She smiles and takes them, telling a nervous Chase that they're beautiful. So much for not trying to lead him on. She continues that she thought about what Chase said before his arm was half-chewed off, and... "I really don't want a relationship with you." OUCH. But Chase just shrugs and says that he knows. "I also know you like flowers," he says, and then he's gone. With a scene like that, I almost want them to get back together. But now he's happy, because he thinks that Cameron really does have feelings for him but doesn't want to act on them, and Cameron's happy, because she can move on to dating Foreman.
The Deran family is discharged from PPTH, taking the day care teacher with them. I guess they decided to break the news about their relationship to the kids. I wonder how detailed that discussion got, and if the kids now know that they got sick from Daddy's penis-enhancement cream. That must have been an awkward conversation.
Speaking of awkward conversations, Cuddy and House watch them go from the second-floor balcony, with Cuddy saying she doesn't "get the whole May-December thing." House defends Deran, saying it's more like a "May-October" romance. "Well why can't it be October-October?" Cuddy asks. Um...because men are visual creatures who care about women's appearance and fool themselves into thinking that women half their age are attracted to them? And because some women have daddy issues so they want to date men twice their age? Or, says my more romantic and less cynical side, because age ain't nothing but a number, and people fall love despite the generation gap? "May is when things start to get hot," is House The Philosopher's simple answer. He continues that if a guy gets a little "something-something" and some kids die because of it, that's "the circle of life." "It just shouldn't be so hard," Cuddy says. Well, now that the testosterone cream is out, it probably isn't. But she's talking about all the energy and drama people use to get with someone who usually isn't the right person anyway. And then a curious expression crosses House's face, and he thinks for a second before saying -- reluctantly at first and then spitting the rest of it out -- "I got...tickets to a play." He winces and then turns to see Cuddy's reaction. And it's great. First, she's giving him the "yeah, right" look, waiting for the other shoe to drop and for him to say something about giving them both to her since she'd need two seats to accommodate her gigantic ass. When that doesn't come, she's caught completely off guard. And before we can get any kind of answer or hint as to what will happen ...it's over. Unlike the vagina-inspection scene, it couldn't have stopped at a more perfect time. Until and unless we hear otherwise, the outcome can be whatever we want.