House gets a patient who won't lie about anything, even going so far as to tell her daughter which sexual position she favors (apparently, her eleven-year-old daughter felt the need to know this about her mother, which is kind of weird, don't you think? Almost as weird as House's need to ask an eleven-year-old girl what her mother's favorite sexual position is, in fact). House is determined to prove to 13 that everybody lies, while their patient keeps right on dying as her lymph nodes close her throat up and her bones turn to stone. When it looks like Mom's only hope is a bone marrow donation from her daughter that Mom refuses to allow, House figures out that she has told her daughter at least one lie -- she's adopted and her real mother is a drug addict. But the joke's on Mom in the end, as it turns out that she doesn't have a terminal disease after all, but still-curable breast cancer, courtesy of some rogue breast cells hanging out in the back of her knee that House makes lactate and then FEEDS THE MILK TO THE ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD GIRL. GROSSSSS!!!!!! Also, it's Christmas in late January, so House manipulates the Secret Santa so that everyone has to buy him awesome presents, and even though they figure it out (thanks to 13, who has all of House's moves down pat even though she's only known him for like two episodes), they do it anyway and then he goes to church (!!!) to see a prostitute ride a donkey. Never thought I'd see the day where a donkey got more screen time than Cameron, but there you go.
After a way-too-long absence, let's welcome House back to the airwaves even though it's January and not February sweeps when they're burning off the precious few new episodes this season has left. They must know that I'm moving this weekend and that therefore having to recap a new episode this week would be disastrous to me. And there's even a special bonus episode this Super Bowl Sunday! And another new episode two days after that! AWESOME!
We open on an indoor climbing wall, where a mother is pushing her daughter to climb to the top. The daughter is slow and doubts she can make it, which is why the best motivation to climb a wall really fast is, of course, having an American Gladiator breathing down your neck below you. I swear some of those contestants flew up that wall for fear that Laser would grab their feet and pull them off. By the way, the Mom is really flat-chested. I say this not as a judgment, but because THIS WILL BE IMPORTANT LATER. For our MedicAlert fakeout, the daughter, Jane, complains that her calf is cramping up, and we see it looking very cramped indeed. So, of course, it's mother Maggie's hands that get the Magic Schoolbus Cam treatment: at the worst possible time ever, while she's belaying and Jane is hanging high up above the ground, Maggie's hand muscles go all zappy and stop working, sending Jane plummeting to the ground.
Um. I don't see new credits. Why no new credits? Didn't they add, like, three new cast members? And why bother even keeping Jesse Spencer's and Jennifer Morrison's names up there at all? And speaking of the new, credit-less Cottages, they're hanging out in the conference room, which is all decorated up for Christmas. Oops! Looks like this episode was destined for a Christmastime airing but the writers' strike forced Fox to push it back to the end of January. That's cool, though; I wouldn't mind doing Christmas again. This year I went home and visited my parents and friends and experienced snow and cold weather. It was a nice time. Kumar stirs his coffee with a candy cane (peppermint coffee? Ew) as he mumbles that he thinks House is still going to fire them, even though he said the game was over. "He lies," Kumar explains. "My ears are burning," says House, appearing behind Kumar, whose eyes bulge in horror. He's just...such a doofus. Why is he there? Doesn't Kal Penn have, like, a movie career? I buy him as a stoner. I'm still not seeing him as a doctor. House Grinches around the room taking down the Christmas decorations he assumes Kumar put up, since only Kumar is dumb enough to think it's Christmas in January. Kumar denies it, but House says he's ruled out everyone else since "Homey" Foreman knows better; "Hymie" Taub is Jewish and therefore hates Christmas and Jesus; and "Huntington's" 13 "would have done a better job." Not if she had Huntington's, she wouldn't! Kumar worries that his Christmas cheer is going to get him fired, but 13 reassures him that won't happen: she has House all figured out since she's just so clever. Plus, firing Cottages is so last year. This earns her an admiring smile and a nod from House. "Good," says Kumar, who then dumbly requests that they do Secret Santa even though he was just told that Taub is Jewish and probably wouldn't, like, be into that and might even be insulted. Although I guess if he cared about being insulted he wouldn't be working for House.
Taub runs down the details of their latest case, with 13 helpfully supplying that Maggie claims no drug use, and 13 is absolutely sure she's telling the truth. House says that Maggie must be an alien, then, which doesn't really make sense since we've all seen Romulans lie before. Like the time they told Captain Picard that they were hanging out in the neutral zone for a science mission but then Captain Picard found out they were really there to goad the Federation into attacking them and starting another war! "Everyone lies, but there's an exception to every rule," says 13. Shut up, 13. And go buy some volumizing shampoo or check the water pressure from your showerhead, because your hair is looking flat, dull, and lifeless. Also, get a real name. You're not a Number anymore, and you're not Agent 99 on Get Smart, because if you were you'd be a lot cooler. If you refuse to get a real name then I'm just going to give you one, and you won't like it. 13 says that Maggie made a promise to her daughter that she would never hide anything from her after her own mother died of breast cancer at a young age and never even told Maggie she was sick. Oh, for Christ's sake. We're going to have to deal with 13's Dead Mommy issues, aren't we? Anyway, Maggie cleverly avoided this possibility by having both of her breast chopped off, never to return even in silicon form. Taub points out that double mastectomies aren't foolproof -- there will always be a few cells left behind. So Maggie could still have breast cancer, and her hand paralysis is being caused by cancer's best friend, paraneoplastic syndrome. Paraneoplastic syndrome can cause, like, any symptom on this show. Tiredness, sore throats, paralysis of extremities -- anything! House tells the crew to throw Maggie in the MRI of DOOOM!! and be sure to set the machine to detect irony. I hope for Maggie's sake that irony isn't as magnetic as iron.
With that, House goes off to prove that Maggie is a liar after all by talking to Jane, whose arm is now in a sling. Way to break your kid's arm with your hand paralysis, Maggie. Geez. House asks Jane whether Maggie tells her the truth about all the drugs she does. Jane says that her mother admitted to smoking pot once in a while, but that she hasn't in a long time. Plan A foiled, House goes for Plan B, asking an eleven-year-old girl about her mother's favorite sexual positions, helpfully listing a few off for Jane to choose from. I know it's important to you to prove to yourself and 13 that Maggie is capable of lying, House, but now you're talking about sexual positions with an eleven-year-old girl while you both suck on lollipops. That's probably illegal. Dateline NBC has gotten men arrested for much tamer talk than this. But then Jane reveals that her mother used to like being on top but now has sex while lying on her stomach to keep her mastectomy scars hidden. Um...what? What conversation did those two have to bring that out? Did Jane ask? Did Maggie just volunteer the information? WHY WOULD EITHER OF THEM DO THAT? Why doesn't Maggie know that you can be honest with your daughter and still not answer questions that aren't appropriate for little girls to know? Like, she could very honestly have said, "You don't get to know that, and why would you want to? Don't be creepy." I mean, my mother has also had a policy about never lying to her children, so when I asked her if Santa Claus was real when I was three, she told me the truth. But when I asked her what her favorite sexual position was, she didn't answer at all since I never asked that question because WHY WHY WHY WOULD I WANT TO KNOW???
Later on, hanging out with Wilson in the cafeteria, the man who just asked a pre-teen about her mother's sex life accuses said mother of child abuse. He follows up by saying that there's a reason why parents lie to their children -- it works. (By the way, the opening credits are still freaking going on the screen. So many co-executive producers. So very many.) When Wilson starts half-heartedly arguing, House snaps that lies are better than truth because truths such as the fact that Wilson is losing his "boyish good looks" would hurt Wilson's feelings. At this, Wilson wraps up their conversation by taking a glance at Maggie's MRI and pronouncing it breast cancer-free. "It's not cancer," he says with absolute certainty.
House walks down the hall with Kumar and 13, telling them to find a different diagnosis because cancer is out. He and 13 also bicker over whether Maggie has ever lied, because that's important when your patient can't move her hands for no known reason. House thinks that they should check Maggie for STDs, since those apparently cause paralyzed hands and House has a feeling that Maggie's been pretty promiscuous if her daughter knows about it, but 13 says that they already did the tests, because Maggie already honestly told them all about the men she's been getting with in between trips to the climbing wall and TMI chats with the kid. House says that they should follow up with all of Maggie's sexual partners to see what else she could have unknowingly gotten from them. This could take the few weeks if all this talk about Maggie's promiscuity I've been hearing is true. Hope Maggie's got that long!
Foreman and Taub find themselves talking to a nervous neat freak who balks at their accusations that he might have drugged Maggie, saying that sex was all her idea after she'd known him less than an hour. "There was no need to drug her," he says confidently, "not that I would." Someone's a little too defensive. When he takes a big swig from his bottle of water, Taub and Foreman note that his dehydration, aggressiveness, and the "spastic chorea" in his right hand indicate that he was lying to them about the drugs. The guy admits that Maggie was "really drunk," so he slipped her some Ecstasy. Dude, you're, like, thirty-five and you have newly reclaimed pine flooring. Stop doing silly raver drugs. Once they get the admission and a sample of the guy's E, Taub admits that the guy's hand is fine. They lied to him to get him to admit the truth. And now they're calling the police, right? Right?
House does Clinic duty, impressing us all with his knowledge of patron saints while treating a woman with a sore throat and swollen glands. St. Nicholas is the patron saint of children as well as seamen, merchants, archers, prostitutes, and prisoners. If he were a real patron saint of prostitutes, then there wouldn't be any prostitutes. House immediately diagnoses the woman with strep throat and being a hooker, based on her St. Nicholas necklace and record of AIDS tests every three months. The woman's flirty grin suggests that House is correct in his assumption. This show sure does have some high-class hookers on it, from this woman to Robin to Paula. I guess New Jersey has a no crackwhore policy along with their no self-serve gas station law.
House limps out to the nurses' station, where Cuddy informs him that he owes her fifty bucks. "Then you owe me half a lap dance," House says. Half a lap dance? What's that? Does Cuddy only dance on House's right leg? She says that it's for the nurses' "holiday bonus," and while I'm all for people getting holiday bonuses, since when did they have to come out of their co-workers' pay? That blows, but I guess these are the measures PPTH has to resort to since all those unnecessary tests House insists on running on people with no insurance have put the place in serious debt. Also, the lawsuits. House ignores Cuddy's request and makes one of his own: he wants forty new fellows to scare the three he just hired into doing a better job. If he wanted fellows that did a good job, why did he hire stupid Kumar and murdering 13? Taub walks up and updates House on Maggie's poor choice of one-night-stands, saying that they've started Maggie on dialysis and are testing the Ecstasy. Good thing Cameron's not on this show anymore, or else she'd be sure to break into the lab and steal the Ecstasy for herself.
Kumar checks on Maggie, who says that her hands are still paralyzed. Then she goes blind.
After the commercial, the tests are back: the Ecstasy was just good old-fashioned pure Ecstasy and therefore is not responsible for Maggie's current condition. House doesn't care about her because he's decided to do an office Secret Santa after all. He puts everyone's names in a stocking, with great gusto, and passes it around. Kumar picks out a name and says "sweet," because he has to have something to say about everything except, like, medical stuff. House finds Kumar's reaction interesting, saying that Kumar must be happy he picked a certain name because he's relieved that he didn't get another certain name. 13 picks a name, reads it, and immediately stuffs it in her lab coat pocket. "Interesting..." says House. Unlike Maggie, House lies. Because that was not interesting. Nothing Agnes does is interesting to me. Yes, I am calling her Agnes now. I warned her I'd pick out a name if she wouldn't, and here it is. House decides that they need to break into Maggie's house, where he's sure that they'll find some clues. The team protests that MS or a vascular problem is more likely. House tells them to tempt fate and give Maggie a second MRI of DOOOM!! to check for MS and some long-named test on her eyes to look for vascular stuff. And the person going to Maggie's house is to bring back her computer so that House can look through it to find proof that Maggie lies. Well, as long as it's medically relevant. Then he pulls a name out of the stocking and cheers that he got exactly who he wanted: "This is gonna be fun!" Kumar grins stupidly and naïvely.
Before she gets her eyes checked, Maggie makes sure to tell Jane that she's scared, because that's the kind of reassurance kids love to hear. I wonder how many nights poor little Jane stayed awake because when she asked her mother if there was a monster under her bed, Maggie responded, "Not yet, but if a pedophile really wanted to break into the house and take you away for his own sick purposes, he'd probably be able to do just that." Foreman says that he and Taub are confident that there's nothing to be scared about, which means that something really bad is about to happen. While they check out Maggie's eyes, Jane says that their boss is weird. Geez, Jane. There's being honest and then there's being rude. Taub sticks up for House, saying that his weird methods often get results. Yeah, that still doesn't make talking about sex with a young girl okay. Or medically relevant, which it wasn't. Foreman says that there are no bleeds in Maggie's eyes. Jane and Maggie think that's a good thing, but fortunately for them, Foreman is there to burst their bubbles with a very honest pin. "A vascular problem, we could fix," he says, implying that the alternative is not so easily repaired. "They look worried now, Mom," Jane honestly reports.
Wilson finds House at one of his favorite PPTH locales. No, not the pharmacy. The foosball table! Apparently, word of House's Secret Santa thing has spread like wildfire around PPTH; Wilson wants to know why he's doing it and, more importantly, whether this means Wilson won't be getting any sweet Christmas presents from House. Poor Wilson; he'd do a Secret Santa thing, too, if only the Oncology department had more than one person in it. House says that he's doing this to tear his team apart, because that's a great way to get them all working together as a functional unit. Plus, House adds, presents often say a lot about the person giving. For example, Wilson gave one of his wives cash for their anniversary. Now they're divorced. Whatever; cash is still a better gift than, like, a kitchen appliance. Those are just insulting.
Agnes and Kumar return to PPTH from a round of not breaking into Maggie's house since Kumar, who supposedly loves adrenaline and adventure and doing new stuff, asked Maggie for the key instead of trying to break in. He's also thinking of exceeding the twenty-five-dollar spending limit on his Secret Santa gift.
Back in his office, House is stymied by Maggie's stolen laptop's demands for the correct password before he's allowed in to see anything. Agnes gets in by leaving the password blank, saying it's just more proof that Maggie trusts people. Yeah, and that's gone really well for her so far, what with the getting drugged by the one-night-stand and all. Foreman and Taub report no signs of MS or a vascular problem, and Maggie has now gone into the MRI of DOOOM!! twice without anything bad happening to her at all. Maybe the Christmas-in-January thing has the MRI of DOOOM!! confused this week. House starts to wonder if Maggie is even telling the truth about being blind and having paralyzed hands, prompting Foreman to guess that she has a "conversion disorder." House says that Maggie's promiscuity and obsessive truth-telling could indicate a psych case. Even better, it'll give him a way to force the mother-daughter truth team to lie.
Agnes follows House into the hall so that she can scold him for trying to trick an eleven-year-old into lying to her mother just to prove something to himself. How can she know House so well and still think that lecturing him will have any effect? House just responds by antagonizing Agnes, saying that she's just jellus Maggie was able to remove her genetic time bomb and Agnes can't. I still think she should try, though. I'm sure it wouldn't be too fatal. "You claim to want the truth, and then you screw with people who actually live by it. Pathetic," Agnes responds. Pretty ballsy of her to call her boss pathetic after working for him for, like, two days. Agnes turns to leave, but House says he "needs" her to come with him. No you don't, House.
House calls Jane out into PPTH's gorgeous hallway and tells her that they think Maggie's paralysis and blindness are all in her mind, so they want to give her a placebo and see if it works. But they need Jane to lie to her mother that it's an effective treatment, since Maggie will trust Jane completely. Hmm...well, I'm sure if there wasn't a strike looming, the writer would have had more time to come with a better excuse for the daughter to have to lie to her mom. But there was, so she didn't, so there isn't. Jane won't do it; she says that if her mother were depressed, she would have told Jane. House says that Maggie was doing what "every good mom does -- protecting her child from bad news." Yeah, right. You know what's worse news than your mother being depressed? KNOWING THAT SHE LIKES TO LIE ON HER STOMACH DURING SEX. That's, like, the worst news ever. Anyway, Jane still isn't going for it. So now Agnes has to come into play for her super-essential contribution: distracting Jane with a game of foosball long enough for the Cottages to placebo Maggie up.
Back from break, Foreman informs the group that Maggie's swollen lymph nodes indicate that her illness is not all in her mind after all, not like any of her symptoms really indicated that it was. I mean, come on. Her hands were paralyzed and she was blind. Those aren't exactly common psychosomatic symptoms. The rest of the team is too distracted to pay much attention to Foreman, though -- House is scanning through all of Maggie's emails, and the Cottages are staring at the wrapped present sitting prominently on his desk. Kumar lets his curiosity get the better of him and asks about the present. House won't say who it's from other than "Santa," adding, "I worship him. Oh wait -- I mean 'Satan.' I always get them confused." I didn't until I saw Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus and its sequel, Meet the Santas during a recent Christmas movie marathon on the Hallmark Channel. Steve Guttenberg plays a "young" Nicholas Claus who has to find a woman to marry him so that they can take over the family business from his retiring parents. He ends up with Crystal Bernard, who is desperately clinging onto her well-faded youth by wearing her hair in a ponytail and dressing twenty years younger than she should. Also, Botox. Those movies made me hate Santa Claus forever.
House wonders what the "alpine butterfly" is that Maggie's emails say she wants to try. "Try bondage," Taub guesses, suddenly interested. House says he tried bondage once, but all that happened was he got tied to a bed and was forced to listen to his mistress drone on and on about how tough it is to be a Dean of Medicine. Well, it's nice to know that Cuddy's still doing interesting things in her life, even if they all have to take place off-camera. House suddenly bursts into laughter when he comes across a Garfield cartoon a "friend" sent Maggie. I put "friend" in quotes because no real friend would send you a Garfield strip unless it's that one from like 1987 where Garfield got stuck hanging off the edge of a table by his upper teeth. That was a good one. "That cat sure does love lasagna," House giggles. That was my favorite part of this episode, and it ends all too quickly when Agnes very maturely slams the laptop down on House's hand, probably breaking it. It's a Macbook Pro, too. Those are really expensive. Agnes really doesn't care about other people's feelings at all. Agnes snaps at House to stop "obsessing" over Maggie's emails, to which House says it was his obsession with Maggie's emails that led him to discover she has sarcoidosis. She sold an almost new Stairmaster last year and cancelled a hiking trip. House guesses that she was suffering from sarcoidosis-related joint pain. That's some pretty flimsy evidence to pronounce your case solved on, but House opens his gift to find the iPhone you know he bought for himself as a rather transparent ploy to make everyone buy him sweet presents.
The Cottages do a lavage to prove that Maggie has sarcoidosis (which she won't, since it's way too early in this episode for that) and wonder who bought House the iPhone. Except Agnes, whose mad House-knowing skillz means she already knows that he bought it for himself.
Ah, but not quite! He didn't buy it at all -- he just stole it from Wilson, who says he was looking for that iPhone all morning. That's still not as long as he probably has to look to find a clear calling signal on one of those things. Wilson thinks the Cottages will see right through House's little ploy, and House says that they probably will. But as long as there's a shred of doubt left in their minds that one of them got the iPhone for House, his little team-destroying plan will have succeeded. And that means sweet presents.
The lavage is clean, so I guess that sarcoidosis diagnosis House was being so smug about is totally wrong. Kumar has Maggie cough the tube they stuck down her throat back up. He fails to notice that she's crying blood. Fortunately, Taub does notice because he's a good doctor.
Taub, Kumar, and Agnes run to House and tell him that Maggie's platelet count has dropped so low that she's about the bleed out of every orifice. You guys, I think I've got the diagnosis: EBOLA!!! It's about time that reared its ugly head at PPTH. House tells them to do a bone marrow aspiration. Meanwhile, where's Foreman? Is he in the bathroom again? How come he only has to do his job sometimes? Taub and Agnes leave, but Kumar stays behind to say that he knows House has more than one secret Santa, but that he got House a present anyway. He hands it to House, and turns to see Agnes and Taub glaring at him. House sees the anger on their faces, and his eyes light up like a kid at month-late Christmas.
The hooker is back, and now she has red marks all over her neck. House thinks she's got the clap, but Hooker says no; she already checked her labia for it. And since she's a hooker, she knows exactly what to look for. She doesn't, however, seem to know how to put a condom on. She offers to let House take a peek too, but he begs off, saying that he's saving his money for a Red Rider BB Gun. I hope he doesn't shoot his eye out, but if someone else shoots House's out for him, I'm sure he'll come back season with his eye totally healed and we'll never find out who shot him nor will it really ever be mentioned again. House notes that Hooker's lips look dark, and asks if she does a "donkey show." For those who don't know, that's when people pay to watch a woman have sex with a donkey. And now you know. Aren't you sorry? House swears that the question is medically relevant. Hooker says that it's either a donkey or a mule. House compliments her creepy smile and diagnoses her with some donkey STD. EW. EWWWWW! The hooker is so grateful that she gives House an invitation to her donkey show. Is he allowed to bring a guest? He should bring Jane.
Chase makes his obligatory three-second appearance to do the bone marrow aspiration, a complicated medical process involving a power drill, while Foreman asks him if he lies to Cameron. Chase laughs at the idea of being completely honest with someone you love. Foreman asks him whether Cameron keeps any secrets from him. How about why she dyed her hair blonde? I'm still waiting to hear the explanation for that. Chase says he hopes that she does, because everyone deserves the right to privacy, "even from the people they love." Does this mean that Chase and Cameron love each other? That's kind of a big step in their relationship, isn't it? And it's taken place totally off-screen! Foreman takes no note of this, because he's too busy thinking of himself and wondering if Chase bought House a present just to screw with Foreman. Yeah, like Chase is going to spend hundreds of dollars on an iPhone just to screw with you, Foreman. Come on. You're not that special. Maggie is special, though, since her bone is harder than the drill Chase is using for the aspiration, causing CGI smoke to rise up from it and everything! I bet Jesse Spencer thinks it's awesome that his role on this show has been relegated to "drill holder." Not only that, but he isn't even very good at it. Foreman was the one who noticed that the patient's bone was freaking smoking.
During the commercial break, Kumar did a "full-body bone scan" on Maggie, looking for hot spots where her bone was hard and drill-proof. The scans came back showing no hot spots at all, which Agnes and Taub chalk up to Kumar screwing up the test, since they're mad at him for giving House a present. Foreman figures out that the reason Maggie's bones look consistently dense is that they are -- all of her bones are hard and drill-proof. What is she, Wolverine? That sounds so cool, but the reality of stone bones is that you die. So it's not so great. In fact, House says, Maggie probably won't live to see Kwanzaa. At this, the camera cuts to Foreman rolling his eyes. Be a little subtle, camera. Come on. This is like when we studied slavery in my history class and everyone kept staring at the one black girl. The one Indian girl in the class, meanwhile, probably sat there thanking her lucky stars that our school's refusal to learn about other countries and their histories spared her from the same incredibly uncomfortable situation. Unfortunately for her, she was wrong, because then my school had International Day, in which all the students who looked different were made to stand up in front of the school and give presentations on their "home country" even though all of them were born in America and so were most of their parents. Kumar says that Maggie must have Carbonic Anhydrase Type II deficiency, since that's the only cause of osteopetrosis that can be treated. House tells them to test Maggie for CA2 and cross their fingers.
Despite having a patient most likely on death's door, House gleefully reports to Wilson that, thanks to his scheming, he scored a present from Kumar, who is now hated by the rest of the team. Wilson gleefully reports that he's walking House down the hallway to nowhere just because he knows it hurts House to walk. House totally deserves that, but since when did Wilson care about House screwing with his team's heads? Maybe he's still mad about being without his precious iPhone for an entire morning. God forbid he couldn't play Bejeweled while checking his Facebook account!
Taub tells Maggie that if the CA2 test is positive, they'll be able to treat Maggie with a bone marrow transplant. Good thing she's got that daughter sitting right to her, her bones filled with healthy, matching marrow! Oh, but wait -- Maggie doesn't want Jane to give marrow because it'll be too painful. Jane says that she's totally willing to go through pain for Maggie. Hey, the poor girl already got her arm broken by Maggie's mystery illness; what difference will a few needles in the hip make? But Maggie puts her foot down. Since it's made of stone bones now, it goes crashing through the floor. How embarrassing! Not to mention suspicious. The last time someone didn't want a kid to give bone marrow, it was so he could stay sick and not have to take care of his brother and sister. But I'm sure there's no ulterior motive to Maggie's refusal, since they've already done that and if this show copied itself that would be lame, right?
Taub tells House that he found a donor with a 5 out of 6 HLA match. House finds it suspicious that Maggie refused to let her daughter give marrow, but before he can think too much about it, Taub shoves a present into his hands. He's not quick enough, though, as Agnes rushes into the room, her Present Detector on high alert. Also, she's there to inform them that the CA2 test came back negative. Maggie won't need new bone marrow, but she will need a new coffin. Agnes takes a second to look sufficiently saddened by the news of their patient's death before spotting Taub's present in House's hands. Taub looks worried that he's about to get stepped on by Agnes, but instead, she pulls a present out of her folder and gives it to House. Then she asks who gets to give Maggie the great news. House wants to do it, because he loves giving gifts as much as he loves getting them. In fact, he even gives the Cottages a present: they get to spend Christmas Eve in the lab, finding out what's about to kill their patient. Taub and Agnes look pissed, but that's probably because they know Kumar is going to stick his CD of Cool Yule Christmas songs in the stereo and put it on loop.
The Cottages test away. Kumar groans that it doesn't matter what Maggie has, since it can't be cured. Idiot -- of course it matters! What if it's genetic? Don't you think Jane would like to know what killed her mother, especially if it could also kill her? But Kumar wants to talk about more important matters, and asks if everyone is mad at him for giving House a present even after he said he wouldn't. Agnes says she isn't mad at Kumar because she knows that's what House wants, and that if he doesn't get it, it'll drive him nuts. I still don't understand why she wanted to work for a guy she clearly hates, no matter how brilliant a doctor he is. Foreman scoffs that driving House nuts won't make their situations any better. And then Jane walks in, demanding that they test her marrow.
Meanwhile, House tells Maggie that she's dying and has "one last Christmas" with her daughter. And not even that, really, since it's January and Christmas is already over. House suggests making the most of the little time they have left by telling Jane that she's adopted. Oh, yeah, that's just the kind of thing an eleven-year-old wants to hear when she's struggling to accept her mother's impending death. House, of course, figured out Maggie's secret when she refused the marrow test for Jane because she knew it wouldn't match. House even threatens to do DNA tests if Maggie doesn't tell the truth, like, what does it matter? Maggie has a day to live, and you're going to ruin it with DNA tests, House? Just drop it. But Maggie admits that she never thought she'd have kids because she didn't want to pass down her cancery genes. Then she "met" a pregnant drug addict who didn't want to have an abortion. But she did want to do drugs while pregnant? Because if she could stop doing drugs while pregnant, why not just keep the baby and stay off the drugs? That doesn't really make sense. Maggie promised the woman that she would never tell Jane who her real mother was. House says that Jane will live a lie, and Maggie will die a hypocrite. But he'll be a happy man, since he finally caught Maggie in a lie. To me, it makes no sense that Maggie would be so into telling her daughter the truth about everything while also not telling her she was adopted. There's nothing stopping Maggie from telling Jane she's adopted but not revealing who her bliological mother is. She could have honestly told Jane that she promised her biological mother she would keep her secret. And then Maggie would never have lied to her daughter. It's just a plot device to prove that even Maggie would lie, and it's a flimsy one. Perhaps worse, it's yet another thing we've seen on this show before.
With that, Jane enters the room, having been informed of her mother's impending death by a very honest, if HIPAA-violating, Agnes. Maggie, her eyes still glowing red, reassures Jane that she's going to be okay and that doctors can be wrong. "Do you really believe that?" Jane asks. "I do," says Maggie. I'm not sure if she's lying or not this time; I think if I were just told I was about to die I'd be a little bit in denial. Jane, however, is not. "No, Mom," she says, "you're dying. Nobody can help you. It's not going to be okay." Maggie sobs. House makes his escape from this outpouring of human emotion. On their way out of the room, Agnes remarks in amazement that Jane just told the truth in a really cold and devastating way.
House walks through an interminable PPTH holiday party. No one invites him to join it and he doesn't looking interested in staying. But then Wilson, wearing an antler hat on his head and probably a few egg nogs in his stomach, runs up and asks House what loot he scored from his Cottages. House says that he got a vintage LP (from Agnes), a watch (from Kumar), a second-edition Conan Doyle (from Taub, desperately trying to show House that Jews are not cheap by shelling out huge dollars), and a dying patient in a pear tree. Wilson says that Christmas deaths are the worst. No one wants to go in the patient's room and be bummed out on the holiday -- not even the candystripers. Damn, those are some pretty dedicated candystripers to volunteer on Christmas! House says that he did get to see something amazing: "Pure truth." Not from Maggie, of course, but from Jane, who stripped her mother of all hope in the name of honesty. And probably also to get her back from being so honest about her sex life. Wilson says that the angels of Christmas have finally given House a gift he can appreciate, and House snaps at him not to "pin this on Christ -- he's got enough nails him." Well, it has been almost two thousand years. I should think he'd have gotten them out by now. Only then does House notice Wilson's awesome hat. He demands that Wilson take it off, but Wilson will not! Not only that, but he somehow makes one of the antlers wave at House. House points out that Wilson is too Jewish to be celebrating Christmas anyway, even though he's never had a problem with Wilson celebrating it in the past. He does this time, though, because it leads to his figuring out what's wrong with Maggie. "Things have their place," House says. Antler hats don't belong on Jews and dreidels don't belong on Christmas trees. Wilson shrugs that things don't care if they're in the right place or not. House gets his Brilliant Idea and takes off.
House carols his way into the lab, where Foreman tells him to leave them alone to run their tests in time for Christmas. House says that there's no need -- they just have to shoot Maggie up with an anti-psychotic so that he can perform a Christmas miracle.
Risperidone isn't just any anti-psychotic -- it's one that makes breast tissue swell. And breast tissue isn't just any tissue -- it happens to cover the fetus when it's in the womb, receding back to the "fun places" as the fetus develops. Sometimes, though, the breast tissue doesn't recede all the way, and gets left behind in non-breast places. The swelling from the risperidone should help them find any wanderin' breast tissue if that's the case here. And if that is the case, maybe that breast tissue has cancer, and that's what's causing all of Maggie's problems. Well, that's a pretty big stretch, but since Wilson already proclaimed Maggie cancer-free and we've seen cancer where there shouldn't be happen before, I'm guessing House is gonna find some cancer. Lo and behold, House finds a hugely swollen red lump behind Maggie's knee. Damn, that risperidone works fast! And well! Flat-chested women should take this -- they'll be Ds in no time! Of course, Agnes doesn't think the lump is breast tissue, so House proves it by sticking a needle in the lump and withdrawing a syringeful of white liquid. Ew. House explains that risperidone also makes breasts lactate. The white liquid is milk. Again, risperidone is a miracle drug! Woman who can't breastfeed should try it -- they'll be pumping out five-gallon jugs daily! House tells Jane to open her mouth, and then he shoots the breast milk inside it. He says she's had it before, which she actually hasn't now that we know she's adopted. He knows it, too. One thing I know is that squirting knee breast milk into a child's mouth is fucking gross and so inappropriate. Sometimes it's funny when House is inappropriate. This episode was not funny. But the good news is, Mom will survive her knee breast cancer (that somehow causes red eyes and blindness and stone bones) just in time for a month-late Christmas. Maggie reacts to this by not telling Jane the truth about her biological mother.
And it wouldn't be Christmas (and...it's not, but whatever) without a Christmas-music montage, where we get to see Cameron for one second at the holiday party. She and Chase hang out with their replacements and tell them about all the lines they used to have. House just walks by them like a big old limping Scrooge, deigning only to give Foreman a slow-motion nod on his way out.
Shockingly, House ends up at a packed church. But no, he hasn't found God. He found the invitation the hooker left him and decided to take her up on it. And her "donkey show" is actually a Christmas pageant, in which she plays the Virgin Mary. She enters the stage on a sick donkey, somehow spots House in the crowd, and flashes that creepy hooker smile. House returns it with one of his own. Not only does he get to watch a hooker play the Virgin Mary, but then he's probably going to have sex with her. For free! I'm just glad we aren't watching a real donkey show, although even that might have been less inappropriate than the episode we just saw.
What ails the staff at PPTH? We've got the diagnoses.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, which she occasionally updates when she's bored at work. Or you can try your luck emailing her at saramorrison@gmail.com with news that some Nigerian king died and she stands to gain ten percent of his fortune if she hands over her bank account info.