House goes from having no fellows to forty potential ones, and from Buddy Ebsen as a patient to an astronaut trainee who gives House $50,000 cash to figure out why she's seeing noise without telling NASA. Apparently, astronaut trainee is a very highly paid profession. House sends his fellow candidates off to do various secret tests on the woman, and we meet a Mormon, a woman with a Russian accent just like Linka from Captain Planet, Kumar, blonde twins, a plastic surgeon, an old guy with about as much medical credentials as the janitor last week, and a woman whose method of getting the job is to make sure all the other candidates get eliminated. By the end of the episode, thirty of the fellows have been fired, the astronaut finds out she has some kind of crazy genetic disorder that would get her thrown out of the space program if House actually told NASA about it like she lied to her that he did, House has found an excuse to drink tequila and give his patient an unnecessary breast enhancement surgery, and Chase and Cameron are both blond and working at PPTH while the Ghost of Foreman roams the halls.
And here we are again, as we will be every week until the baseball takes over. But for now, a woman pilots an airplane through some graphics that are left over from Stealth, until some thunder and lightning brings her into that weird scene from Star Trek IV when they went back in time and we got a terrifying look into Kirk's mind and Leonard Nimoy's attempt at art. Also, I believe I hear some Annie Lennox. Pilot needs to turn down her radio. It keeps going until she inevitably crashes, instantly killing her and ending the episode. See you week!
Or not, as she was actually in a flight simulator and not a real plane, so she's fine. Except for the acid-less acid trip she just went on. She yells at some tech guy for not connecting the communications circuit -- despite his assurances that he did -- and causing her crash. The tech says he'll go "review the simulations," then leaves the room immediately so the pilot won't hear the "you bitch" he's about to mutter under his breath.
Cameron. Chase, and Foreman are still in the opening credits, so either someone got lazy or they're still here, somewhere.
House addresses his room-o'-fellow candidates, asking them to identify a guy on the overhead projector. He assures them that he won't fire them if they get the answer wrong, so the girl he liked last week guesses "Neville Chamberlain." "You're fired," House says. I guess that was Hugh Laurie showing through, angered at the American's inability to identify great British leaders. And by "great," I mean, "let the Nazis do whatever they wanted, pretty much." Regardless, the guy in the picture looks more like Margaret Thatcher than he does Neville Chamberlain, so you lose, Girl Who Showed So Much Promise Last Week And In Last Season's Finale. The girl doesn't even protest. She just walks out, still wearing her marathon-runner-esque number around her neck.
Some old guy in the back guesses correctly: "Buddy Ebsen." Old Guy probably went to school with Buddy Ebsen. House says that Buddy Ebsen was the original Tin Man in The Wizard Of Oz, but he had to back out when he almost died from an allergy to the aluminum in the Tin Man makeup. Then he moved to Beverly. Hills, that is. Swimming pools. Movie stars. House wants them to figure out what was really wrong with Buddy Ebsen. Of all the cast members from The Wizard of Oz to study, he goes with Buddy Ebsen? Surely there's about a week of material in Judy Garland alone! Oh well. House says that since they don't have a real patient to work with, they'll have to go with Buddy. Or Cuddy, as she has just entered the room and asked House to step outside.
"Did you forget how to count to three?" she asks him. House says he's using his budget for three fellows wisely by hiring all thirty of the people in the classroom and then whittling them down to just three. Those three will have their salaries cut by ten percent to accommodate House's thirty-fellow shenanigans, which I'm sure they'll really appreciate. Cuddy points out that there are forty people in that room (check out insta-counting Cuddy! She's some kind of counting savant!). House responds by firing everyone in Row D. Sucks to be you, Row D. But then House sees one lady from Row D with a set of double Ds and decides to unfire Row D and fire Row C, who you know were all sitting there breathing a sigh of relief that they weren't in Row D. With that, House gets a page from himself and decides to investigate. Cuddy will stand in the doorway and be a completely ineffective administrator.
It would be so cool if House went to his office to find that he did, in fact, page himself and there was a Mirror House running around who was really nice to people. But no, it's the pilot from the pre-credits sequence. She won't tell House how she got his pager number, but since she has a bag full of money (fifty thousand dollars, to be exact), it stands to reason that she can get whatever she wants. I would like to know when being an Air Force captain became such a lucrative job. Pilot says she's paying for her medical bills in cash because if NASA finds out she has a medical problem, she won't be able to be an astronaut. "Something is wrong," she explains, "with my eyes, my ears..." There's also apparently something wrong with her ability to describe medical symptoms. Pilot says she did some research, and she knows House is the best, breaks rules, and doesn't care about anyone except himself. Well, she surely didn't see that on Wikipedia, what with its strict neutrality rules! House asks what he's going to get out of having her as a patient. "I started to hear with my eyes," is all Pilot says. And that's enough.
House enters the classroom and tells Rows A, B, and D that they have a new patient: a thirty-year-old female with synesthesia. They are not allowed to document any of the tests they do on her: "No notes, no records, nothing. As far as you're concerned, this patient is Osama Bin Laden, and everyone not in this room is Delta Force." Guy In Wheelchair, whom House already hates for being more crippled than he is, asks, "We're protecting Osama Bin Laden?" Yes, if Osama is a thirty-year-old female. Dumb-ass.
House lets Pilot into the room, and she's a bit taken aback to see so many people waiting for her. Good thing Row C is gone, or else she would have been really surprised. House tells the candidates (I need to figure out a new name for them...but I have none. "Cottages" was pretty much the depth of my brilliance) that he will be addressing them by the numbers they're wearing, which is awesome both because the idea of him calling people numbers is funny, and also because I guess I can call them the Numbers. Or is it the Numb3rs? No, that's only if the show is on CBS (Fridays at 10!). 39, an older guy, but not as old a guy as Old Guy (26), starts in with the questions, asking Pilot if the synesthesia is new, if she has any psychiatric problems, and if she's on any drugs. Then he asks House if they should trust her answers. Geez, 39, she's right in the room. House says they can trust that the Pilot isn't a junkie, to which Anne Dudek, whose number remains frustratingly hidden for the entire episode, asks if they can trust House's answers, like, he's right in the room! He says they have to trust somebody. "No," Anne says breezily. I like her. She asks Pilot if any family members or co-workers have been sick lately. Pilot says no. Olivia Wilde (last seen on The OC lesbian-ing it up and not seen on The Black Donnellys because no one watched that show), a.k.a. 13, gets to ask . Her question is a goodie, and she totally knows it, based on the smug way she asks: "Do you spend a lot of time above twenty thousand feet?" Clearly, 13 has been doing some research on Wikipedia. She says the problem could be a leg clot that got into Pilot's brain. House orders 13, 32, and 39 off to give Pilot an EEG, an MRI (of DOOOM!) and an angiogram.
He asks the remaining Numbers how many of them think Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone, and Kumar (a.k.a. 6, but I'm sticking with Kumar) has to smart-ass something about the CIA until House tells him to shut up and sends the reasonably thinking, non-conspiracy-theorists off to split into two groups. One will test Pilot's blood, and one will test her stool. Clearly, one group is more desirable to be in than the other. House asks the remaining Numbers who likes the designated hitter. I don't even know what that means, and two blonde twins raise their hands and are scolded for being wrong. House sends the DH-likers off to test Pilot's cultures and do an LP. Three people raise their hands to say that they don't know what a designated hitter is, and their reward is Pilot's address, along with orders to break into her house. "Vy don't ve just ask theee patient for the key?" asks 2, sounding just like Linka from Captain Planet. House tells her that wouldn't really accomplish much in their mission to find out what Pilot is hiding, and then he makes fun of her for being foreign. Wheelchair Guy asks House what the remaining Numbers should do.
I guess they should realize that Lee Harvey Oswald did act alone, as we cut to the group in the PPTH parking lot washing House's car. Wheelchair Guy, who isn't doing any work at all, gripes that he did not "bust [his] ass in med school" to wash some guy's car. Well, really, Wheelchair Guy, you didn't bust your ass at all. You got to sit down the whole time, you lucky duck. 18 doesn't think it's such a big deal to wash a car for half an hour, saying they get to learn from "one of the best diagnosticians in the world" in exchange for a little elbow grease, but Anne Dudek disagrees. She says that since they aren't the ones doing any medical tests or breaking into patient's houses, they're already as good as fired. House will just give them the news after they've washed his car. She angrily tosses her sponge down and throws off her number, saying she's out of here. She urges the others to follow, and all of them except 18 do. I guess he just likes washing cars.
Outside Pilot's home -- which I'm expecting to be some kind of mansion, based on the incredible pay she gets as an Air Force captain that gives her fifty thousand dollars to throw around -- the three unlucky Numbers try to figure out how to break in. Cute Guy Number 10 offers Old Guy 26 a hand onto some garbage dumpsters to break into Pilot's window, but Old Guy says he pulled a muscle in 1987 and isn't up to such physical exertion. I'm guessing he pulled that muscle laughing at the outrageously funny antics of Balki on Perfect Strangers. "Don't be ridiculous," am I right?? Borat's got nothing on Balki! 2 is full of bitterness, telling everyone she had to repeat two years of medical school because America doesn't trust medical schools in other countries. Although if she really didn't want to do that, couldn't she have just practiced medicine in her own country? It's not like she flew to America and they surprised her with the two extra years of med school and put a gun to her head to take them. She doesn't want to waste the extra education by getting deported for burglary, but she hops onto the garbage dumpsters anyway. Old Guy asks them to unlock the front door and let him in when they get inside, to which 10 says that this is a competition, so he and his pulled muscle can stay outside. 10, the AARP is going to hunt your ass down for this.
Anne Dudek returns to House's car, where 18 is dutifully cleaning the same exact tiny section of it that he's been cleaning for the last ten minutes now, and she says she never intended to quit -- she just wanted to make everyone else do it. Oooh, look at Little Miss Richard Hatch over there! Is that joke still relevant now that he's in jail, though? Anyway, Anne Dudek tells 18 they're going to take the car to a proper car wash since she somehow stole House's keys. Ew. I'd rather wash the car myself than pay for a car wash. Those things are expensive and, if it's the kind you drive through yourself, kinda scary.
10 and 2 attempt to open the window using a screwdriver until it's opened for them -- by Old Guy, who used his Old Guy charms to convince the building super to let him into the apartment to check on his niece. "Nice guy -- two daughters at Mount Holyoke," he says. Oh, someone's got some lesbians for daughters! Super will probably never figure that out, though, as his powers of observation truly suck, considering that Pilot is kinda black and Old Guy is kinda white, so the chances of them being related are pretty slim.
13, 32, and 39 give House some results on Pilot, although they do have some trouble with the image on House's computer, which is evidently a naked woman "spooning" a naked porpoise. I'd have more of a problem if the porpoise were clothed, to be honest. Anyway, Sea World has really gone family-unfriendly with its calendars this year. Only one thing can take House's eyes off the naked chick, and that is...Chase, whom we see walking down the hall outside House's office in slow motion, which has to be awkward for the rest of the people in the hall. They probably keep bumping into him or stepping on his heels. House runs outside, but Chase is gone. The Numbers keep trying to do their job, except for 32, who apparently wasn't paid to have more than five lines and therefore says nothing. Pilot has an elevated red blood cell count. House guesses carbon monoxide poisoning, based on the broken fireplace that 2, 10, and Old Guy found in her apartment. Anne walks up and reports that House's car is clean. House asks her if she just saw a "blond guy with a pretentious accent." "Can't see an accent," Anne counters. Well, you can if you have synesthesia! And since when was an Australian accent "pretentious?" Isn't it the accent of British criminals and kangaroos? House wipes the smug smile off of Anne's face by asking for the car keys that he totally knows she stole and sending her off to put Pilot in a hyperbaric chamber.
Anne joins 18 and Kumar, who explains the process to Pilot and sounds kind of dumb while doing it. I don't know, he just sounds dumb. There are some people who can't sound smart, like Denise Richards when she played a scientist in that Bond movie. Maybe Kal Penn is one of them. While he does this, 18 pulls Anne outside to ask her why she's been on her phone the whole time instead of paying attention to the patient. Meanwhile, by asking Anne about this, 18 has assured that both he and Anne are not paying attention to Pilot. Also, mind your own business, 18. Anne explains that she's checking on one of her patients, as she has no intention of quitting her current job until she knows for a fact she has this one. 18 doesn't approve of this, because he's the new Cameron. Meanwhile, thanks to him taking both of them away from Pilot, they weren't there to observe her vitals, which aren't doing so well. "I think she's having a heart attack," Kumar guesses. "No, I just feel a little funny..." Pilot says, trailing off at the end of her sentence because she passes out.
The Numbers spring into action. Kumar grabs some defibrillator paddles and brings them into the chamber. 18 reminds him that paddles and hyperbaric chambers don't mix, while Anne hilariously just turns and runs out of there so as not to catch fire or get in trouble. Like, she just left and never looked back. She does not care if Pilot lives or dies, as long she doesn't get in trouble with House. 18 backs off, and Kumar shocks Pilot. Sparks fly. Literally. "She's on fire!" 18 exclaims, as if the red flashing lights and loud fire-alarm buzzers were not enough to tell us this already. 18 throws a blanket over the fire on Pilot's chest as Kumar grabs an extinguisher and sprays it all over her. "Her heart's beating!" Kumar reports. "And we are so fired," 18 says. And then the sprinklers go off. Little late, there, guys. They would have gotten the fire out quicker by driving Pilot to the car wash and throwing her in there than waiting for the sprinklers.
After the commercial, Kumar is quick to tell House that the hyperbaric chamber did not cause Pilot's heart attack. Anne is quick to point out that Pilot was set on fire due to Kumar's foolhardy move of bringing charged paddles into an oxygenated room. House is quick to point out that Anne let Kumar bring those paddles in, so either she thought it would work, or she knew it wouldn't and wanted him to fail, thereby getting her closer to getting the job at the expense of the patient's life. House calls her a "cutthroat little pixie" for this. Kumar resists the urge to point and laugh at her. Meanwhile, the blonde twins bicker about possible diagnoses, and we see that their numbers are 15A and 15B. Which is awesome. House orders them to stop, as it's too distracting for every "male and lesbian" in the room. Okay but...what are the gay men distracted by? Thinking of ways to fix the twins' bad perms? It doesn't matter, as both of their diagnoses are wrong.
Old Guy pipes up and guesses a cardiomyopathy, which caused both the heart attack and threw clots to Pilot's brain. "How old are you?" House responds. "I'm twenty-one. Unless it's relevant," Old Guy answers. He's Forever 21! Gonna buy some cheap clothes that fit oddly! House sends him off to do a transesophageal echo with 2 and 13 assisting, since their numbers are factors of his number. The rest of the class is sent to the hospital cafeteria to document ten things in there that could cause infection. I'll give them a hint: the chicken on fajita-chicken Fridays. That's universally infection-filled in hospital cafeterias.
While the twins totally cheat on the assignment by conferring with each other out in the open, House steals one of Wilson's bagels. Wilson warns him that 17 told him there might be Listeria in the cream cheese. I prefer garden-vegetable-flavored cream cheese myself. House asks Wilson what Chase is doing at PPTH, and Wilson says he has no idea, since Chase is working at the Mayo Clinic in Arizona, and has been since last week. House is at a loss for words at this, but, of course, Wilson is not, and goes into his psychoanalysis mode I hate so much, asking House why he's having hallucinations of the person he fired, as opposed to the two people who quit on him. "Not interesting," House says. Thank you, House. But Wilson continues that House must have some repressed guilt here, and House ends the conversation by tossing the rest of Wilson's bagel in Wilson's coffee. Quick! Someone tell 17 he's got one more source of infection to add to his list!
Old Guy prepares the transesophagealwhatchamacallit device and tells Pilot to relax. Just like they told her before the hyperbaric chamber of HELLFIRE! But she totally trusts them. When it comes time to actually do the test, Old Guy offers the device to 2, saying, "Take a whack." 2 does not trust this capitalist dog to just give her the glory of doing the procedure and refuses. 13 doesn't trust him either, but accepts 26's explanation that he's old and has done plenty of these in the past, so he's just giving someone else a turn. 13 takes the device.
Cut to House limping down the hall surrounded by Numbers. 2 informs him that Pilot's heart is fine, while one of the 15s embarrasses herself by not understanding 2's accent, which really isn't that strong. And then 2, who is unwisely walking backwards, stumbles into a wheelchair that a rather mean orderly shoved right under her legs. It cuts her off, and 13 steps forward, saying she found a "short burst of atrial flutter" in Pilot's heart. In the background, we see a doctor and a nurse walk into the hallway, see the massive crowd blocking it, and turn around and leave, presumably to find a different route. LOL, background extras.
House asks 13 why she did the test when he told 26 to do it, but he doesn't bother listening to 26's answer. Then he assigns 10, 24, and 39 to do a test for hypothyroidism. 2 protests that that could cause another heart attack. House says it would be awesome if that happened, since it would mean the thyroid was the problem.
39 shoots Pilot up with some hormones to stimulate her thyroid. He tells her not to worry if she gets flushed or starts to sweat, as it will mean her thyroid is working. Or that she's having another heart attack and is about to be set on fire again. Ever-trusting, Pilot just nods. 39 adds that he can also remove the mole on Pilot's neck, as he is a plastic surgeon. Way to blow your own horn there, 39. My dermatologist can get rid of a mole. You aren't so special. Maybe you should focus on the slightly more obvious gigantic burns right to said mole. "I'm fine with the way I look," Pilot says. But 39 keeps going, accusing Pilot of jerking them around with all these restrictions. 10 loudly tells the room that Pilot's pulse is 120 and warns 39 to stop "pushing" Pilot. Anne lets it slip that they broke into Pilot's home. For some odd reason, Pilot is upset at this. She starts seeing things, then goes psychotic. "This is not a normal response to the test," Anne duhs. Pilot runs away.
House finds the three Numbers outside the hospital chapel, in which Pilot has barricaded herself. House is more upset about the fact that they interrupted his time with Judge Judy than the fact that they made their patient go crazy. House says he's too crippled to help them get her out, but 39 says if they break the door down, it's going to be hard to keep hiding Pilot from PPTH. House suggests extortion. 10's attempt: "If you don't open this door, we're gonna break it down." No reaction. 10 tries again: "If you don't open this door, you're going to die." "Go away!" Pilot yells. 39 tries: "Open up, or I blab your secret to everyone." Wasn't the threat of that what made Pilot go crazy in the first place? It has the opposite effect this time, but first, House sees Cameron looking blonde and strolling around the lobby in slow motion. And folks, she is wearing quite a vest today, I'm sure I don't have to tell you. Pilot chooses this moment to erupt from the chapel, distracting House and taking us away from Cameron and the ridiculous "walk of an angel" theme music she's been given. Anne sedates Pilot, which means she doesn't have any sedative left in the needle for when Cuddy walks by and asks what's going on.
After the commercial, Cuddy enters the classroom and all the students make "oh, shit!" faces. But none of them respond when Cuddy asks who Pilot is. 18, of course, asks if she's okay. Oh, just leave now and go vest shopping, 18. Really. Old Guy smarts off that House's answer to Cuddy -- that Pilot was "on the run from an international crime syndicate" -- was the same thing he told them. Cuddy tells them that if they want to work at PPTH, she has to approve them, and she won't if they don't tattle on House. 10 just learned the real meaning of extortion, and finally spills what he found out about Pilot from her apartment: "Name's Greta Cooper. Wants to be an astronaut. Doesn't want NASA to know her brain's getting her ears confused with her eyes. I went through her mail." Way to get House in trouble and confess to a federal crime, 10.
In the hall, Cuddy orders House to chart everything he does for Greta from now on. House goes back to the classroom and immediately fires 10. 10 gives his guilt away by saying, "She told you?" House says that he knew it was someone who was in Greta's house, and of the other two choices, 26 is old and napping, and 2 doesn't do anything. Also, Anne is pointing at 10. We are not treated to a shot of her semi-secretly pointing at 10, which is a real shame. It's also a shame that 10 got fired. He was cute.
House goes a-diagnosin' with his nineteen remaining Numbers, and the camera rack focuses constantly as they give their guesses or shoot those of others down. Kumar is quick to tell on Anne for putting Greta's lab information on her PDA against House's instructions to destroy all patient data, but House doesn't care. Meanwhile, Anne, if you're going to tell on others, you'd better make sure you aren't doing anything they can tell on you for. Also, Kumar gets fired for interrupting House's brilliance with stupid questions. Bye-bye, Kumar! The smile on Anne's face when this happens is kind of great. I should hate her for being such a weasel, but she's just so brazen about it!
House asks the remaining Numbers how they can test Greta without doing any chartable tests. 2 thinks they should do whatever tests are necessary to save Greta's life and ignore Greta's desire for no one to find out. Her seat neighbor, 36, looks as bored as he has all episode and has nothing to add. House gives them an hour to think of an answer while he goes off to bore me with some Wilson time.
House unwisely asks Wilson what Cameron is doing at PPTH, and Wilson denies that Cameron is working there, saying last he heard, she was engaged to Chase (...awkward) and living with him in Arizona. "These visions are freaking you out," Wilson says. House maintains that the fact that he saw Cameron with blonde hair means that he didn't make it up, but this just gives Wilson more to psychoanalyze House about, saying he must be merging Cameron and Chase in his mind. If this keeps up, Wilson says, House's vision will be black, blonde, and wearing a vest. Wilson proves Cameron's new Arizona location to House by showing him her new phone number complete with Arizona area code, which is on his phone because she just called to tell Wilson that she and Chase put an offer down on a new house. It's been three weeks since the end of last season and they're engaged and living together? Oh yeah, that'll work out. Also, since when did Cameron call Wilson to update him on her house purchases? Why would anyone? Wilson's been living in a hotel for two years, so clearly, home-buying is of little interest to him.
Wilson continuezzz by saying House might be panicking at the thought of having to narrow down his eighteen fellows to just three, not like he's been having much trouble getting rid of them right and left so far. House takes pills. Wilson says he thinks House will end up picking three fellows he can't stand, because liking them would be too stressful. I don't really care who House picks at this point as long as it makes Wilson stop talking. Wilson is woefully overused as House's conscience and woefully underused as everything else. Anyway, the word "stress" gives House an idea.
He goes back to the classroom and says they're going to stress Greta's liver to find out if it's working right. Twin 1 has a problem with this, but House ignores her to ask Kumar why he's sitting behind her when he was fired. Kumar denies being fired, and is wearing his number necklace upside-down so it now says 9 instead of 6. Very clever, Kumar. Anne needlessly tattles on Kumar while 29 finds this all very amusing. Either way, Kumar gets fired. Again. Thing 1 continues her protest but is interrupted by 13, who has no problem with killing patients with silly tests and suggests shooting Greta up with Vitamin D and sticking her on a tanning bed. House says that's a good idea, but the "test" isn't specific to Greta's liver, so it won't work tell them what they need to know. Kumar tries again from the doorway: "We could get her wasted." He didn't bother turning his necklace around to make it a sideways 6. Also, he's wearing a hoodie. What doctor wears a hoodie under his lab coat? Not my doctor, that's for damn sure. Kumar says that how long it takes Greta to pass out from the alcohol will tell them how well her liver's working. "I like you, Number 9," House says. Kumar grins. Anne thinks this is so unfair. I guess time, she'll think of ways to help the patient instead of ways to screw everyone else over.
House works on his Flying V guitar under a microscope until 18 walks in, asking why House wanted to see him. House says he noticed the ring from Brigham Young University on 18's hand and asks if he's a Mormon. "Or did your folks just do the lawns?" House asks, because he can't talk to black people without pointing out that they are black people. "The church has a very progressive attitude toward racial equality," 18 says. Too bad it's not as progressive towards, like, everything else. Sorry to offend you, Mormons, but your religion hates homosexuals and excommunicates its members and rips families apart, and that sucks. Also, 18? Prior to 1978, you weren't even allowed to attend temple ceremonies, so some progressive racial equality you have there. House only cares about this because drinking is against the Mormon religion due to their unprogressive attitude toward wino equality, and he can use 18 as the non-drinker control for the tequila test. 18 refuses, saying Greta's dreams don't outrank his religious beliefs. House, delighted to have the opportunity to tear someone down, says that at least Greta's dreams have a possibility of actually coming true. 18 turns to leave, and House reminds him that the test he's refusing to do could save Greta's life. 18 agrees to drink.
For someone who's never had a drink before, the shot of tequila sure does go down easy for 18. Meanwhile, Greta wishes House had chosen a different alcohol, since tequila is gross. For real, Greta. While House pours shot number five, he asks 18 about the Mormon Magic Underwear. Why is everyone so obsessed with Mormon Magic Underwear? A not-at-all drunk 18 asks House if that's why he's here tonight, allowing House to says he's the "big drinker" control in the experiment. 13 is the "mid-drinker" control. House asks 18 why he doesn't care about Mormon rules anymore, and 18 says "LDS doesn't try to dictate every detail of our lives. When a situation isn't clear, we're encouraged to make our own decisions." Except that this situation was pretty clear. You're not allowed to drink, and you are drinking. I have a certain respect for those Jehovah's Witnesses who won't accept a blood transfusion, even if it means certain death. "You're an atheist," 18 guesses. Uh, duh, 18. "Only on Christmas and Easter," House says. "The rest of the time, it doesn't really matter." House, you moron: Christmas and Easter are the two times where you want to be religious, because Christian = presents and Cadbury Creme Eggs. House quickly grows tired of arguing with this black guy and goes off to argue with another, as he sees Foreman strolling past the room in slow motion. The Cottages really need to learn to walk faster. Patient lives could depend on it! Speaking of, House runs out of the room just as Greta starts going into respiratory arrest. 18 and 13 are stuck being drunk and unable to do anything to Greta to save her that would be detected by NASA.
House chases after Foreman, but he runs into Cuddy instead. She thinks something is up with House, as the tests he's ordered for Greta so far have been teeth-density measuring and other things that won't get her in trouble with NASA and are medically unimportant. Cuddy also tells House that Foreman is "running the diagnostic department at New York Mercy," which is bad news for any of Mercy's patients with bra infections. Also, Cuddy wants to know why House's breath smells of alcohol and totally can't believe that House would drink at work on the job even though he's done it before. Cuddy needs to get her amnesia problem checked out. House returns to Greta's room and finds her, 13, and 18 gone and an oxygen mask on the floor that's so important they zoomed in on it three times.
House finds the Numbers and Greta in the PPTH Stress Test Of Death room. Greta is gasping into an oxygen mask as 13 says that they can explain this away by saying the oxygen was administered as part of a routine stress test. Did they really need to do it in the exercise room, though? I mean, really? They couldn't just give her the oxygen in her room and just say it was part of the stress test? House asks whose idea that was, but 13 remains cryptic and says it was a "joint decision." Considering that 18's never had a drink before and just did four shots of tequila in a relatively short time, I'd say it was 13's. Anyway, House is bored with Greta already, so he starts asking 13 questions about the male abandonment issues I wasn't aware she had instead of treating her. 13 remains cool as a cucumber. By the way, this week, I found out I am allergic to cucumbers. Apparently, not everyone's mouth itches when they eat fresh cucumbers. Or cantaloupes. Or bananas. Bummer.
House actually does some work and listens to Greta's crappy lungs while tapping on them with his finger. This tells him something somehow. Whatever it is, it's not good, as he gets an unusually sad/sympathetic expression on his face and tells Greta that the game is over. She needs a lung biopsy to determine if she has lung cancer or tuberous sclerosis. Greta is more upset that this will mean she can't fly to the moon than she is about the fact that she's kinda dying. House says that not every dream can come true -- he never opened for Springsteen or slept with Barbara Feldon. A Get Smart reference? This is why this is my favorite show. Sorry about that, Top Chef. Missed it by that much. Greta refuses to consent to a biopsy. Right, because NASA will be totally cool with letting someone with tuberous sclerosis/lung cancer go flying into space. Just get your ashes shot up there like Scotty did, Greta. The way things are going, you'll be reduced to them pretty soon.
House asks the class how they can test Greta's lungs without getting NASA's attention. 18 says the concern isn't the test itself so much as the scars it will leave that NASA is sure to see. 18 suggests Plastic Surgeon 39 should be able to conceal them just fine. Yeah, about that...does Greta think that NASA won't be asking her about the burns all over her chest? The ones shaped like defibrillator paddles? 39 says no plastic surgeon is good enough to conceal scars like that, as he clearly hasn't seen the plastic surgeons who advertise in the Pennysaver I keep getting in the mail despite my pleas to them to stop sending it to me. Kumar thinks they should just drug Greta and do the surgery, and I love that he's still wearing the 6 upside down like it even matters anymore. 2 worries that Greta will sue them for this, but Anne points out that Greta doesn't really have a leg to stand on, since she's trying to lie to the government and Anne will totally tell on Greta to the government if she has to. Or even if she's bored on a lazy Sunday. Whatever. 39 has an idea: they give Greta some "elective cosmetic surgery," thereby giving them access to her lungs to do the necessary tests and providing an explanation for her scars. Plus, she gets big gazongas. House loves this suggestion even more than Kumar's drinking test. "One giant rack for mankind," House muses. Dude, 39 just said he was giving her C-cups. If those are giant, then...uh...this woman I know with Ds must be some kind of freak monster.
Greta isn't thrilled with the solution to her problems, as it will destroy all the work she's done to be taken seriously. "There's gotta be another way," she says. For someone who's got no leg or lung to stand on, Greta sure is picky. 39 takes a moment to tell Greta that when you have a dream, it shouldn't matter who laughs at you for it. Plus she'll have big boobs in her astronaut picture. HAWT! Greta signs the consent form.
While House scrubs in for surgery, Cuddy demands to know why he's giving his patient an emergency boob job. She threatens to cancel the surgery if House doesn't tell her. House says they're getting too close to the end of the episode to dicker around with the formalities, so he'll just tell her that the real answer to her question is something that will get them all in trouble, so it's better for her if she pretends not to know about any of this and trusts House that the boob job is necessary. Cuddy leaves.
39 opens Greta up, and House takes over to look at the lung. They find multiple cysts there. Gross. "What's been working overtime to kill Ms. Bin Laden?" House asks the room. "Ve know her name now," 2 supplies. Nice contribution there, 2. Clearly, you went to medical school for two extra years. The Numbers give out some diagnoses, but none work. A disembodied Australian voice supplies the wining answer: "Von Hippel-Lindau Syndrome." House looks up to the OR balcony to find Chase standing there. He never misses a boob job, I guess. After confirming with the rest of the group that Chase is actually there and not a hologram originating in Arizona, House tells Chase that this is a closed procedure. "Not to the surgical staff," Chase says. 39 asks House if he's going to hire "that guy" instead of one of them. Chase shakes his head, either to say no or because a few strands of delicate blond hair got in his face. "Not a chance," House says. He orders them to "dig out" Greta's cysts and confirm the Von Hippel's. "Don't forget her chesticles," he says. Oy, with the medical terms! House looks back up at the OR balcony, but Chase is gone, presumably slow-mo walking around the cafeteria.
House confronts Wilson about his lying about Chase and Cameron's new jobs for no reason. Of course, Wilson thinks this served a purpose, as it got House to confront his residual feelings of guilt, except that it didn't and it never does and why do you think this little game is going to work for the one hundred and seventeenth time when it hasn't worked the other one hundred and sixteen, Wilson (and to a lesser extent, Cuddy)? Either the mind games work and House starts to see things differently, or they don't and House stays the same and Wilson STOPS DOING THEM ALREADY. Wilson comes clean and says Cameron has been a senior attending in the ER -- and blonde -- for the past three weeks, while Chase took a job at PPTH to be near Cameron. And Cameron stayed at PPTH to be near House and we all know it. Hopefully the ER did too, and offered her a shitty salary because they knew they could get her for dirt-cheap. House asks where Foreman's working, but Wilson hasn't learned a fucking thing and says Foreman is working at New York Mercy, like any of us think House saw the Ghost Of Foreman at this point.
The makeup department missed out on a fun opportunity to give Greta humorously gigantic boobs the time we see her, when she's lying in bed getting the scoop from Kumar and Anne. Kumar says they got rid of all her cysts, but the disease is genetic and incurable. They could come back. "You need to come clean to NASA," says Anne. She might as well come clean, since Anne's just going to follow Greta to NASA and point at her until someone asks what's up. Greta says she'll get regular screenings to make sure there won't be any more surprise cysts. She can do this with her piles of mystery money. House appears and says Greta doesn't have to bother -- he already told on her to NASA, because the last thing he needs is for a wayward space shuttle to come crashing down on PPTH because its pilot got a lung cyst and heard colors. Let's save that for Season Ten.
Back in class, House says it's cutting time. Fired are: 21, 19, 8, 34, 17, 29, 5, 36, and 2. Kumar is thrilled that he didn't get fired again. 2 is pissed off that she did. The rest of the Numbers don't have speaking parts. House tells the remaining Numbers to report to work at eight tomorrow morning, although he'll be there "sometime between noon and three." Ah, it's nice to be the boss. House sends everyone away except for Old Guy 26. 2 refuses to leave without an explanation: "I deed notheenk vrong!" she says. House says she never took the chances that would cause her to do anything wrong, and that's why she's fired. Bye, 2! On the plus side, you can still wield the power of Wind and save the Earth from bad guys who like to loot and plunder. On the minus side, you have to do it with Ma-Ti on your team.
House asks Old Guy how old he is. "Twenty-one unless it's relevant," Old Guy repeats. House says it isn't. What is relevant is the fact that Old Guy never went to medical school. Dude, is he going to end up being one of those mental ward escapees who tricks everyone into thinking he's a real doctor? Because I saw that on Night Court already, and it was lame (except for the parts with Dan Fielding in them). Actually, Old Guy works in the Columbia Med School admissions office, which means we can blame him for Matt Camden's acceptance. Old Guy just went from my favorite Number to the Person With The Worst Judgment Ever. He says he's audited every class there multiple times, which means he's also known as Creepy Old Guy Who's Always In Our Classes, What's Up With That? Anyway, that explains why he didn't do the transesophageal thing. Old Guy says he was hoping House would break a rule for Old Guy, like, come on, dude. That's like asking a cop who lets you off of a speeding ticket with just a warning if you can go commit murder. House has decided to make up for crushing one dream with granting another, though, and he agrees to let Old Guy stay on as his "assistant." In fact, he gives him that title because it's "marginally less demeaning" than "secretary." Kinda like how, at my day job, I'm a "receptionist/assistant." Except I think all that means is that they get two employees out of me but only have to pay for one. "It's not my dream job," Old Guy grouses. "Actually, it is. Just not your dream title," House says. Seriously, Weird Beard. Either appreciate the gesture or go to school to become a physician's assistant.
And this episode would have really benefited from ending right there, but it doesn't, because we just have to see Cameron and get the stupid Cameron-House weird flirty banter someone seems to think we want to see. House stops by the ER and finds Cameron giving an accident victim a neck massage. So caring. Cameron spots him and grins in triumph, although I'm not sure what she thinks she's winning here. She says it took House three weeks to figure out she still worked at PPTH. Doesn't that kind of mean he doesn't care? "You're an idiot," House says by way of greeting. Cameron asks him if he means her hair or her job. "The hair makes you look like a hooker," House says, first-hand experience telling him how smart they can be. "I like it." The job, however, is apparently beneath Cameron's questionable skills. "I can do good here. Get it out of my system," she non-explains. Shouldn't she be working as, like, an immunologist? For that matter, shouldn't Chase, the critical care guy, be working in the ER? Whatever. Cameron asks House why he told on Greta to NASA. House says he'll be firing one of his Numbers now for telling on him to Cameron, but she says it was Greta herself who told her. In fact, Cameron was the one who recommended Greta to House in the first place and gave her his pager number. This solves a mystery I didn't really care about. Anyway, House says he didn't really tell on Greta to NASA -- he just told her he did because it'll keep her on her toes and make sure she gets checked all the time and make her the safest astronaut NASA has. Cameron has another explanation for why House didn't tell on Greta: "You couldn't kill her dream." Maybe not, he had a great time telling her did.