By Sara M
Very little is kept secret in this pee-rific episode, as House dreams he's a Marine who gets his leg blown off. He wakes up and finds that his newest patient is the same Marine sergeant from his dream. Sergeant thinks he has Gulf War syndrome, which Chase thinks is entirely possible, given all the vaccinations and toxic whatevers our government exposes our military to. No one else believes him, though. While the Marine gets worse and starts spitting out smelly white slime and getting disappearing brain tumors, House just wants to solve the mystery of where he's seen the Marine before, and get himself peeing again. Apparently, too much Vicodin can stop you up. After a few days of holding it, House finally shoves a catheter up there and finds relief. And pees bright greenish-yellow liquid everywhere. Bladder empty, House is free to sleep perchance to dream once more, and figures out both what's wrong with the Marine AND where he's seen him before: some random genetic bleeding disorder and making out with Cuddy at a Christmas party two years ago, respectively. (Nice catch, Cuddy! That guy was hot. Except for the smile-mouth.) Cuddy calls House out on his jealousy of her boyfriends and hints (well, pretty much comes right out and says) that House and Cuddy had a one-night stand in the past (!!!). Chase and Cameron, meanwhile, can't stay away from each other, and no room in PPTH is safe from their frequent naked sex sessions.
Oh, yuck. I have to watch the last seven minutes of American Idol because Fox wants to screw over Dancing With The Stars and extended this show seven minutes into the nine o'clock slot. It's the first seven minutes of American Idol I've ever seen, and you know what? Those kids kinda suck. Finally, the "Viewer Discretion Is Advised" sign greets us, and we're sitting in some army truck driving through Iraq, seeing everything through an unknown soldier's eyes. "Get Down Tonight" plays, and one Marine sings along in a most obnoxious manner until the radio stops working. (That Marine was still better than anyone on American Idol, by the way.) Suddenly, there's an explosion in front of the truck, and the thing you know, our soldier's right leg has been blown off at the knee. Also, the music has changed from K.C. and the Sunshine Band to something that sounds like Jimi Hendrix or Led Zepplin, except not nearly as good. Which can only mean one thing: Wolfmother. Get your own sound, Wolfmother. You're still better than anyone on American Idol, though. The singing Marine -- who Buffy fans will recognize as Riley -- drags us away from the wreckage, ties off the stub, gives us a machine gun, and orders us not to shoot any Marines or die: "Got, it, G?" And then we're outside of the soldier, and we see the soldier is actually House, lying there in a Marine uniform with his leg blown off.
And then House wakes up. In his office. His right leg is still attached, although I still don't think it would be such a bad idea to remove it. The war stuff was just a dream. That sucks for House, to be the only person in his dream who didn't get to run around shooting stuff. Cuddy walks in and orders House to take a patient -- an ex-Marine with Gulf War Syndrome. House rolls his eyes and says there's no such thing as Gulf War Syndrome. Cuddy says that the guy is tired, rashy, has joint pain, and most importantly, he's the nephew of a hospital benefactor. House is his usual sarcastic self about the case until he opens the file and sees a picture of his new patient: it's the singing Marine from his dream.
I'm almost expecting to see the credits for Medium come on the screen, but no, we're still watching House.
And when we come back, House and Wilson are enjoying a silent piss and discussing House's psychic dream. House insists that he must have seen the guy before somewhere, but Wilson wants to believe that House can dream of people he's about to meet. Or maybe, Wilson says, House just dreamed of a "generic" Marine and only put the guy's face on him after he saw the picture in the file. What he wants to focus on is why House is dreaming about military stuff, because then he'll get to do some psychoanalysis and will therefore have a purpose in this episode. He thinks House's dream has to do with either House's Marine father, or with the Village People. I believe discussing the Village People in certain men's bathrooms is an invitation to sex. House says that it couldn't have been the Village People, since that guy is in the Navy. No, Wilson argues, he's only wearing a Navy uniform when they sing "In The Navy." The rest of the time, Wilson says, he's just wearing generic fatigues. House gives him a "you know way too much about the Village People" look, along with the rest of us. But no one's exactly surprised. Wilson tries to defend his heterosexuality by pointing out that House didn't flush the urinal, like, way to pay too much attention to that, Wilson. House says he doesn't need to flush because he didn't pee. It's an easy mistake to make, considering that on this show, peeing and not peeing sound the same.
House brings the Marine's case to the Cottages. Foreman and Cameron immediately doubt the existence of Gulf War Syndrome, Foreman pointing out that their patient didn't even serve in the Gulf War. Chase says that he was just in Iraq, and whatever was there fifteen years ago is still there now. Foreman says it's just a crazy coincidence that some soldiers who served in Iraq came home with a bunch of unexplained symptoms, and Cameron agrees. House thinks that their patient is lying to get a disability check now that he's out of the military and realizing that he has no marketable skills. But House, the commercials all say that you learn a crapload of skills from serving in the military, like flying helicopters and stuff about engineering. House orders the Cottages to redo all the blood tests the VA did (good idea, knowing what we know now about military hospitals) and get a full medical history. And while they're at it, a full history, period. Focusing mostly on any media appearances their patient may have made that House may have seen and stored away in his subconscious.
The Cottages check out their patient. By the way, his name is Sgt. John Kelley, not like it's going to get used in this episode. He tells them about his rashes, which are "little black dots" that appear on his palms and the bottom of his feet. "I don't see anything," says Cameron. "Are you sure it's not just scrapes and bruises?" asks Foreman, barely concealing his skepticism. Sgt. John has the distinct feeling he's being talked down to. "You obviously exercise," Cameron says, pointing at Sgt. John's well-developed pecs. Foreman adds that people with chronic fatigue and joint pain don't usually work out as strenuously as Sgt. John seems to, while Chase shakes his head but says nothing to defend Sgt. John. So Sgt. John has to do it himself. He says that, as a Marine, he's used to working out every day: "Just because I can push through the pain doesn't mean it's not there." You'd think House would be more sympathetic to this guy, wouldn't you? Chase finally speaks up and tells Sgt. John to describe his problems as specifically as possible. Sgt. John says that he sleeps ten hours a night but is always tired. His knee and hip joints hurt like hell. He keeps getting coughs and sore throats. And his legs get all tingly and feel either really hot and or really cold. And Deran Serafian directed this episode, so as the camera pans away from Sgt. John's face, he says he doesn't care what the Cottages call his disease as long as they cure it. He's going to be sorry he said that when they do give his disease a name and it's really long and complicated (spoiler!).
Sometime later, House and the Cottages walk down the hall and discuss the blood-test results. Everything came back fine except the potassium, which was low. While Foreman explains this away as "over-hydrating," Chase is open to the possibility that it could have been caused by any of the random experimental vaccinations Sgt. John was shot up with before going to Iraq, or all the radioactive material the country is now covered with. And yet, none of that radioactive material came from a Weapon of Mass Destruction. Amazing! "You go to medical school in France?" laughs Foreman, who probably still eats freedom fries. Shut up, Foreman. I'm usually skeptical of unexplained "syndromes" with symptoms that can't be proven, but I am totally with Chase on this one. House just wants to know if Sgt. John has ever done any modeling, a question no one actually asked Sgt. John and that is promptly ignored by Chase, who wants to send Sgt. John's urine to some university with a better uranium screening process than PPTH's, which didn't find any. When they arrive at the door to the meeting room, House keeps right on walking, dismissing the group with orders to get Sgt. John's credit report and Google him. And do a sleep test for apnea, which could explain the fatigue and joint pain. With that, House shuffles off, and then stops and winces in pain. Cameron finally has something to be interested in, and steps forward to ask House if he's okay. House says he just had "too much coffee this morning." "Were we...walking you to the bathroom?" Cameron asks, like, even if you were, why ask? Why do you care, Cameron? Leave it alone! "I wish," says House. "Wilson was just in there. These guys know what I'm talking about." He points to Foreman and Chase, who don't seem to have any idea what House is talking about at all. I don't either, but I'm going to guess that he's saying he doesn't want to use the bathroom because Wilson was just in there and everyone who uses the guy's bathroom knows that Wilson stinks the place up?
Cameron and Chase are assigned to monitor Sgt. John's sleep test, even though the procedure doesn't even need one doctor to supervise it, let alone two. Cameron's ready to give up and leave, but Chase protests, saying it's not fair that he should have to stay there all night and Cameron doesn't. He gets all passive-aggressive about it until Cameron decides to stay. But she's super-bored and suggests that they have sex in one of the empty beds. Chase points out that those rooms have video cameras in them that apparently can't be turned off. Plus, he's afraid of House or Foreman walking in on them. Cameron shrugs and puts her legs up on the desk, revealing a few inches of sexy, sexy ankle. Chase can't resist that, and the thing you know, they're making out in one of the bedrooms. Cameron throws her shirt over the camera to block its view. Classy.
Speaking of class, House is at home, trying to pee. Holding a hot water bottle somewhere in the vicinity of his deal doesn't help. He takes some Vicodin. I...don't really care about House's peeing issues.
Foreman walks into the sleep lab and finds no one watching Sgt. John, who has woken up and is calling out for assistance. Foreman asks him what's wrong, and John says that there's a horrible smell in the room. Foreman doesn't smell anything, but he does see something: John's tongue is covered in white slime. The Magic Schoolbus Cam makes a token appearance to show us a bunch of microscopic white tentacled things swimming around in the goo on John's tongue, and Foreman says that the smell is coming from Sgt. John's mouth. At this point, Cameron and Chase rush in, all disheveled and sweaty. Sgt. John looks really ashamed of his disgusting breath, as well he should. It's called an Altoid, John.
House spends a leisurely night in soaking in a hot, hopefully-piss-inducing bath, swallowing Vicodins, and reading through military magazines looking for pictures of Sgt. John. I wonder why House has all those military magazines at his home. I'm sure Wilson knows the answer to that. House is also wearing glasses, in the tub, that I'm sure some people will find incredibly attractive. House's cell rings. It's the Cottages, reporting that there is indeed something wrong with Sgt. John: he has bacterial vaginosis. In his mouth. Sick!!! Also, now I have to Google "bacterial vaginosis" and I just know someone's going to see that in my Google search history and get the Wrong Idea. But Sgt. John claims that he hasn't had oral sex in a year. "Selfish bastard!" says House. Foreman explains that Sgt. John hasn't been with anyone since his girlfriend dumped him when he went to Iraq. "Selfish bitch!" House cries, always happy to have a reason to call people names. He wants to know who the ex-girlfriend is, while everyone else wants to know how a guy can get bacterial vaginosis in his mouth without oral sex. Foreman thinks it's cancer, and that the vaginosis is an "opportunistic infection." So now cancer can give you bad vagina breath on top of everything else? That's rough. House agrees, and tells them to tell Wilson to biopsy Sgt. John's salivary glands. While they're waiting for those results, they're to get Sgt. John's dating history, even though that's obviously irrelevant to the case.
Wilson tells Sgt. John that the antibiotics they're giving him should make that vaginosis go away soon. You'd think that, but I'm going to tell you right now that Sgt. John will have crusty white stuff around his mouth for the rest of the episode, so you can prepare yourself for that nastiness. With that, Wilson starts the biopsy process while Sgt. John whines that he was one of the only guys in his unit who didn't chew tobacco, and now he's the one who has mouth cancer. Wilson says that this kind of cancer is "very treatable if caught early." Sgt. John is pretty sure that this isn't early, seeing as he's spitting smelly white goo out of his mouth.
The Cottages are actually following House's orders and trying to get Sgt. John's dating history. Well, actually, they're wondering why House is making them do it. Cameron thought he was wasting their time with Sgt. John's personal background info to get back at Cuddy for making them take this waste of time case, but since Sgt. John clearly has a real problem, that can't be the case anymore. Who cares, Cameron? Just do it. Investigating some guy's private life has got to be kind of fun. Foreman's doing some investigating on his own, and asks Cameron and Chase where they were when Sgt. John woke up. Cameron plays it cool, while Chase stammers that they went to get coffee. Foreman asks why they didn't have any coffee when they came back to the room, then, like, maybe they drank it already. But Cameron says that's because they didn't actually get coffee; they had hot sex in an empty bedroom. Foreman laughs: "House would do Wilson before you'd do Chase," as if House and Wilson having sex is an unlikely event. "No, you would do House and Wilson before I'd do Chase," Cameron counters. And seven thousands fanfics are begun. Chase gets all offended that Foreman doesn't believe Cameron would ever have sex with him, pointing out, "She did me once!" "She was stoned!" says Foreman. And Cameron smiles like she's proud of this.
House and his huge full bladder limp into the lab, where Wilson says that biopsy results were "inconclusive," mostly likely because Wilson doesn't know how to do a biopsy, which is why he's always misdiagnosing his patients. He's going to run some other test, but House tells him not to hurry, since their patient is clearly on death's door. House, on the other hand, can still be saved, and asks for a prescription. Not for Vicodin, amazingly enough, but for some other drug that will make him pee. My closed captioning isn't working, so I don't know the exact name of the drug. You'd think it would be FloMax, but that's actually for people who pee too much. Weird, huh? Anyway, Wilson dismissively says that House doesn't need the drug, and asks him if he's figured out where he knows Sgt. John from yet. House doesn't care about Sgt. John now that he hasn't peed in three days. I don't care about Sgt. John either. Or about House's peeing. "Stop taking the Vicodin" is Wilson's solution. Yeah, like that's going to work. Like that has ever worked. You're the one prescribing the Vicodin, Wilson. If you don't want House to take it, stop writing prescriptions. It's that simple. Wilson says that House is "obsessing" over Sgt. John, while House just keeps whining that he hasn't peed in three days and doesn't seem very concerned with Sgt. John anymore at all. Wilson accuses House of lying about peeing, saying House would be dead if he hadn't peed in three days; he'd at least be in agony. Except doesn't Wilson prescribe House the painkillers that he takes all day long? Those would do wonders to help him function through the pain of a full bladder. Wilson is finally convinced, and writes the prescription.
Foreman reports that he spoke with some of Sgt. John's family and friends, and that they all said Sgt. John hasn't had a date in over a year, which rules out STDs. Because no one has sex without a date first. With that, Foreman leaves so that Chase can be all hurt that Cameron was "so convincing" in her disgust at the thought of sleeping with Chase. "I'll make it up to you," she says, trying for "Seductive Vamp" but only reaching "coy schoolgirl who knows where your eraser is but won't tell you." Which is not sexy, by the way. Chase says that they can't keep having sex at work, since it's affecting patient care and kind of unprofessional. And most importantly, he doesn't want to get in trouble. Cameron says she doesn't, either, but Chase says that Cameron "didn't go out of [her] way to keep the volume down," like, TMI, Chase. "I couldn't help that," says Cameron. Oh puh-leeze. It's called self-control, something Cameron obviously lacks. Also, I demand to know why we don't immediately cut to some nurse talking about how the other night she was working to the sleep lab and she could hear all manner of horrible screeching sounds coming through the wall. "Someone must have had one hell of a sleep disorder," she'd conclude. Instead, Chase says he thinks that Cameron is trying to get caught and make House jealous. "I'm over House," says Cameron. "All this is is uncomplicated sex. Don't try to make it more than that." Then don't do it at work, Cameron. Instead, she suggests that they grab lunch. I think she's trying to say that in a suggestive manner, but it just comes off that she wants a sandwich and maybe some chips.
And some woman with a huge water bottle is at the Clinic to get birth control. Because why see your gynecologist when you can go to a free clinic, right? She says that she and her boyfriend have been using condoms, but one is bound to break sooner or later "they way [they've] been doing it." "On a bed of nails?" House asks, probably genuinely curious. No, the woman says they've been doing it so often that the law of averages says something's going to go wrong sooner or later. She says this while moving the water bottle back and forth, the water sloshing loudly around the inside. It reminds House of his bladder, and he screams at her to stop. She doesn't walk right out of his office like I would have done, but simply stops moving the bottle around. House asks if she has any health problems, and she says nothing besides her OCD. Which House didn't even ask about, and isn't quite in the same category as blood clots and hypertension, but whatever. She says that her need to drink water all the time is the only symptom of her OCD, and that her therapist says it could be a lot worse. Maybe, but her therapist couldn't get much worse. It's not like the girl has to drink three sips of water and then tap on the right side of the bottle six times. That's OCD. This is not. House agrees, especially when the patient says she gets up in the middle of the night to drink water. "Unconscious people don't have OCD," he says. But they do have diabetes insipidus, characterized by being incredibly thirsty and peeing all the time. I guess that girl never read The Baby-Sitter's Club, or she'd totally know that peeing and being thirsty means you have diabetes like Stacy. Although while Stacy would go into a freaking coma if she had one M&M, this girl has a different kind. It's a hormone deficiency caused by a damaged pituitary gland, most likely, House says, from hitting her skull on a balance beam. The girl is amazed, but House says it was simple: she has a "nice ass, no boobs, and [she's] got palms like a longshoreman." Plus, he dreamt he was a gymnast whose head fell off last week. He schedules her for a CT scan and is so jealous of her ability to pee.
Wilson does some test where he injects dye into Sgt. John's (remember him?) salivary glands to see how they roll. So far so good, although Sgt. John can't hear the music they're playing in the room as a courtesy. He asks them to turn it up, and then can't hear Wilson when he asks him if that's loud enough.
Wilson heads for House's office. He asks House how the peeing thing is going. House reports that while he found "relief," he still hasn't peed. Wilson says the step, if the pills don't work, is a catheter. Which, I hear, isn't fun for anybody. Wilson says that Sgt. John just went deaf and actually has brain cancer, showing House a film showing several spots in Sgt. John's brain. Wilson says that there are at least six tumors there, even though there are clearly more than that on the film. Wilson sucks at oncology so bad.
When we return, House, Wilson, and Foreman are trying to figure out how Sgt. John had all these brain tumors and no one noticed. Wilson chalks it up to the VA's incompetence, figuring that they must have switched Sgt. John's films with a different patient's. Which means that, right now, some guy is needlessly being treated for hardcore brain cancer. Not like House or Wilson is in any hurry to make phone calls to the VA and give them a heads up. It also means that Sgt. John has less than week to live. At this, Chase and Cameron walk in, disheveled and sweaty and claiming they were at lunch. Also, they did some more checking up on Sgt. John, and aside from a family history of shin splints and nosebleeds and some overdue DVDs on his credit card, he's fine. "You have them researching your dream?!" Wilson shrieks. House says that they are researching his patient. "You had a dream about a patient?" Cameron says, so jealous. Wilson gathers the Cottages and takes them away from House to do some actual medicine. A mutiny! And House is powerless to stop it, because of his bladder and all. Wilson suggests to House that he go to sleep and maybe dream up a cure for Sgt. John. As long as he doesn't sleep in the room in the sleep lab with the sticky sheets, that's not a bad plan.
House watches from the operating-room balcony seats as Sgt. John's head is prepared for surgery. Cuddy enters and asks how Sgt. John is doing. "He's dead," House replies. Cuddy's jaw drops, and she's really sad. "At least, he will be in a few days," House adds. Cuddy feels like a fool now, but that's what you get for not waiting for House to finish his sentences. He says he still doesn't know how those tumors went unnoticed for so long. Cuddy says that the VA hospital checked, and that they did not mix up Sgt. John's films with another patient's. House doesn't trust the government, but Cuddy asks why the VA would lie. Uh, duh, Cuddy. What are you, naïve like Cameron? Come on! House downs some pills, and Cuddy's all, "Did you just take two Vicodin?!" I guess Cuddy forgot everything about this show during one of the many three-week-long waits between new episodes. She shows House one of Sgt. John's films from the VA hospital, pointing out that it's both tumorless and has the titanium pin Sgt. John had put in his skull, for whatever reason, twenty years ago. Which means that those were his brain films, and that the tumors did magically grow in like a day after all.
House calls Chase and Cameron into the lab and yells at them for not sending Sgt. John's urine out for that special uranium test. Chase protests that House told them not to. House says that uranium is the only thing that can explain how Sgt. John would have such fast-growing tumors. Cameron scoffs at this, but Chase goes to send the urine out anyway. As for Cameron, House orders her to call Sgt. John's uncle and ask if he ever brought his nephew around to any hospital fundraisers. Of freaking course, Cameron refuses to do this without a reason. House's reason is "I'm your boss." "A rational reason," says Cameron. "I'm your boss" is a rational reason, Cameron. It's the only reason you need. House warns Cameron that he will pee on her if she doesn't do what she's told. Cameron apparently knows that House can't do shit with a full bladder right now, and keeps needling him, Muldering that he just can't accept that there isn't a rational explanation for why Sgt. John showed up in his dream. "SHUT UP!" House screams. OH!!!! And the look on Cameron's face was priceless. She looks like the schoolgirl who got yelled at by her favorite teacher for talking during class. She is about to cry. This episode gets plus a half-grade for that. House tells her to do her job, and leaves. Cameron tries to get sympathy from Chase, asking him what he thinks House's problem is. Chase says he doesn't care, which is why he wasn't asking House personal questions and ticking him off. "I'm over him," Cameron insists, even though Chase didn't say anything about that.
Meanwhile, Foreman drills into Sgt. John's brain, only to find that the tumors are gone. Ooooh, they're magic tumors!
Outside the OR, House, Cuddy, Wilson, and Foreman try to figure out what happened. House's guess is that Wilson screwed up. This is a good guess based on a great deal of past precedent. Wilson insists that he saw the tumors, but House says that Wilson might have seen something he mistook for tumors. Those spots could have been abscesses caused by a brain infection that were then healed by the antibiotics they were giving Sgt. John for his slimy tongue. That would be the first time antibiotics have actually worked on this show. Good for them! But House can't explain why the infection didn't show up in Sgt. John's blood work. Wilson and Foreman are called back into the OR, where Sgt. John is freaking out because he can't move his legs. House yells at him to calm down, and asks if he ever appeared in a porno. Ba-dum-ching! Lame.
After the break, House has finally dragged out the Whiteboard O'Symptoms. Cameron says that Sgt. John has an infection, but House says that, if that were true, he'd be getting better everywhere, not have some parts getting better and some getting worse. Wilson says that it could be an infection and cancer, and House makes fun of him and says they have no proof that it's cancer between the lymph nodes that aren't swollen and the brain tumors that disappeared. Wilson fires back that at least he's not trying to figure out what's wrong with Sgt. John according to his favorite restaurants. Chase enters the room and announces that Sgt. John has uranium in his urine after all. He's super-proud of himself for thinking of the uranium stuff, but House pisses on this (only figuratively, ha ha ha!) and says they no longer think it's cancer, and therefore the uranium is no longer significant. There isn't enough uranium in Sgt. John's urine to have caused any of his symptoms. With that, House asks Wilson for his keys, saying he can't ride a motorcycle with a distended bladder. Wilson forks them over like a fool. I wouldn't let some guy who hadn't peed in three days anyway near my car. House tells them to keep giving Sgt. John the antibiotics and checking him to see if his paralysis has spread overnight. He's going to bed.
The Cottages stick pins in Sgt. John and ask if he feels them. They feel the need to ask him if he feels them by writing on a whiteboard, since he can't hear, although I'm pretty sure that if he could feel the needle jabbing into his flesh, he'd tell them without needing to be prompted. Sgt. John, and his crusty mouth, and his head newly-shorn for the brain surgery he never had, worry that he's dying. Chase writes "we're doing all we can" on the whiteboard, but Foreman says they really aren't, since they haven't treated Sgt. John for uranium toxicity. The Cottages argue over whether they should defy House's orders, their voices cutting in and out when we see them from Sgt. John's point of view like we're in one of those cell phone commercials. Foreman and Chase vote to give him the treatment.
House finally arrives home, which is more than I can say for Wilson, who's probably still waiting for the bus. He grabs a bag and heads for the bathroom. There, he drops trou, sits on the toilet, and takes a catheter out of the bag. You know, there are some things we don't need to see, show. Also, how is the sound of peeing too much for the Fox censors, but this is totally fine? I really think the sound of peeing, which all of us hear on a daily basis anyway, is much less vulgar than watching House shove a catheter up his deal. You can cut to commercial anytime now, show. But no, we have to watch House's face contort in pain, and then relief, and then watch as a ridiculously bright yellow liquid fills the catheter bag. House brings the catheter bag with him to bed, lays it down on the floor, and shuts his eyes.
Foreman tells Chase to tell Sgt. John not to tangle the IV lines. Chase has already written that message to Sgt. John, as, Chase points out, he also went to medical school. Yeah, but that medical school might have been in France, and who knows what they teach there? When Sgt. John crosses his arms over his chest, he realizes that he can't feel his stomach. The paralysis is working its way upward. Sgt. John freaks out, and Chase's message to him, "trouble breathing?," doesn't exactly help matters.
Meanwhile, House can't fall asleep. He tosses and turns while the clock ticks away like he's in a sleep-aid commercial. At 6 AM, he gives up. He finds Foreman and Chase sacked out on the couch, and reports that his night sucked.
In the meeting room, Chase says that the ascending paralysis means that uranium toxicity can't be the problem after all. House thought they ruled that out, and Foreman says that they decided to treat Sgt. John for it anyway. House is pissed; now they don't know if the ascending paralysis is because of whatever is wrong with Sgt. John or because of the uranium toxicity treatment. He says they need more information, but the Cottages protest that there's no more information to get. And then they all get paged.
Everyone heads for Sgt. John's room, where they find Cuddy hovering over the patient, who is unconscious and pale, his BP dropping. "He's bleeding out," says House. Cameron points out that there's no blood on the bed to indicate this, and Chase says that there's no sign of internal bleeding, either. But House orders a transfusion anyway. No one moves. Cuddy says that Sgt. John doesn't need a transfusion, and he asks her what she's even doing in the room. Chase walks over to House, but slips on some yellow liquid near House's leg. In fact, it's coming from House's leg. From a leaking catheter bag around House's ankle, to be more specific. GROSS. Everyone stares at House, who orders them to get him blood and forget the pee on the floor. Foreman points out that House has a nosebleed, and now House is in a fish-eye lens so you know something funny is going on. House asks Cuddy why she's there again. "I'm always here," she says, smiling. "No, you're not," House says. It's true; she's really not in that many scenes each episode. It's a shame. And then House wakes up. It was all a dream. Again. But all dreams come from somewhere, and we see from his smile that House has an idea. Also, his catheter came out during the night and he peed all over his bed.
House goes to work and finds Foreman and Chase sacked out on the couch, this time for reals. He says he had a great night, but that he's guessing the patient didn't, what with the plunging BP and all. Sure enough, Foreman confirms that it did. How come House gets to have prophetic dreams, and all I ever dream about are giant spiders trying to eat me? It's really not fair.
While the Cottages look on in amazement, House looks up Sgt. John's nose and finds what he was expecting: no nose hairs, and cauterization scars from a procedure done to stop his childhood nosebleeds. The same nosebleeds his grandfather had. Because Sgt. John has hereditary hemorrhagic telangiectasia. And no one thought anything of those nosebleeds, even though they were such a problem that they burned Sgt. John's nose to stop them?! House explains that HHT is a genetic disorder where some blood vessels are formed without the capillaries that connect the artery to vein. This causes them to merge and make an arteriovenous malformation (a.k.a. AVM, a.k.a. DNR, a.k.a. NARM), as the Magic Schoolbus Cam half-heartedly tries to show us. An AVM in Sgt. John's spine caused the paralysis, and an AVM in his lungs caused his blood not to be properly filtered, causing the joint pain, fatigue, and infections, which, by the way, still haven't cleared up. The slimy mouth is so gross. House says that Sgt. John will be just fine "after a few surgeries," scolds him for not telling them about his childhood nosebleeds, and leaves the room.
House may or may not be peeing in the urinal; it's impossible to tell. Wilson enters and notes that House is actually peeing, like, keep your eyes to yourself, Wilson. House ascribes his open peeway to the catheter, saying that it's not all that painful "after the first nine or ten inches." Like Wilson hasn't seen House's penis before. Like he isn't staring at it right now. The catheter relieved the spasm that was keeping things closed up, and now House is "as good as new." His sheets beg to differ. Wilson thinks House might want to be worried about this side effect of his Vicodin usage. House claims he isn't, but we did see him looking all sad in the mirror before, so we know that's not totally true. House adds that it was Vicodin that allowed House to sleep and dream and solve his case. At least, it solved one of them -- House says he got his other answer "in the shower." Hey, can't wait for season when House has trouble pooping and we get to watch every detail of his attempts to treat it!
Looking really suave as he leans again a wall, House calls out to Cuddy: "I've been thinking about you." How can she resist him? "You lied," he tells her. Cuddy says that she only lied by omission when she didn't reveal that she and Sgt. John sucked face briefly during a hospital fundraising party two years ago. I'll bet she wouldn't kiss Sgt. John now, though. Cuddy's all embarrassed -- which she shouldn't be, since Sgt. John is hot, if boring -- until she realizes that she actually has one up on House this time: he remembered the face of some guy she made out with years ago because he must have been jealous. "Don't make this about me, this is about your humiliation!" says House, trying to change the subject to the Cuddy Healthcare plan, where servicing Cuddy gets you special PPTH perks. "Get over me," says Cuddy. House thinks she is the one who needs to get over him, noting that she hired him because of "one night." Well, that sounds like confirmation of a past one-night stand to me! All right! That one half-sentence was a lot more exciting and revealing than any of the scenes of Chase and Cameron doing it. Cuddy tells House that he can stop staring at her ass, interrupting her dates, and fantasizing about her in the shower. "That ship sailed long ago, House, get over it," Cuddy finishes, with a smile that suggests otherwise. She looks all triumphant, but she's really not, since House wants her and she's saying no. That makes her a LOSER. As Cuddy walks away, House says that her ass is more of a "supertanker" than a ship. Well, he'd know.
"Superfly" plays. House erases his whiteboard while Cameron and Chase make out in a closet. Then a light turns on and the music suddenly stops. There is no record-scratching sound effect, however. House has a pile of papers from his newly-closed case, and was looking for a big trash can to put them in. He found two of his employees making out instead, although he has no comment about that. This week, anyway. Shirtless Chase won't even look House in the eyes, which is great. Cameron looks like a deer caught in headlights, but maybe also a deer caught in headlights who wouldn't mind being hit by the car. House simply throws the papers out and leaves. "Since when does he clean anything up?" Chase mutters. Since when do we not lock the door when we have sex in public places? I hope the janitorial staff is having sex all over Chase and Cameron's desks right now, by the way. The sleep lab staff, too. And probably the guy who runs the toll booth to get out of the hospital parking garage.
House limps in slow-motion and look super-cool. He does not look jealous of Cameron and Chase's relationship. He approaches the camera, going completely out of focus before heading into his office.