Cuddy is insane, so she asks House to baby-sit for her child. House does so, but takes his eyes off of her long enough for her to swallow a dime. Instead of telling Cuddy about it, he's stuck searching Rachel's poop for the 24 hours and hoping a dime will show up inside it. This keeps him away from PPTH for most of the episode, but his Cottages (now with two bonus lady Cottages, although not really, since the first one is fired in seconds and the second wisely decides not to take the job and tells off Taub on her way out) have things under control with their latest patient, a newborn baby with all kinds of problems. Health-wise, things are going poorly, and family-wise, she's stuck with an older mother and adult sister whose relationship is strained for reasons we never really know. It turns out that the mother has both melanoma AND lung cancer, and her body's antibody reaction to the lung cancer was also keeping the melanoma at bay. It didn't stop it from spreading to her baby in utero, though, so as soon as Mom gave birth and her antibody-filled blood supply to the baby was cut off, the baby began to die from the melanoma. Mom decides to put off treating her cancers so she can keep giving her baby cancer-curing blood transfusions and spare her having to go through chemo. And then she dies from a cancer-related blood clot, but the Cottages are able to suck enough blood out of her body to save the baby, who will now be raised by the adult sister who kind of hates her. She'll still be a better mother than Cuddy, though!
We begin watching a woman give birth while her daughter videotapes it all. Mom's not too uncomfortable that she can't scold her daughter for taking her sweet time to show up in the delivery room, and the daughter says she had to take care of some work at her job, thereby telling us that she is old enough to work in a law firm. That means there will be quite the age gap between her and her soon-to-be-sister, and it also means that she's definitely not too young to take a few acting classes, as she is absolutely terrible at this. All she has to do is a voiceover right now, and she is conspicuously bad. But nice continuity putting the nurse from Lockdown in there. When it comes time for the baby to enter the world, Mom insists that her daughter film it, while the daughter refuses to film her mother's vagina. I can understand that, but if this was that important to Mom, then she should have talked it over with her daughter before game day, you know? We get a glimpse of the baby before a bunch of monitors go off and the doctor whisks the baby away. "Is something wrong?" Daughter asks. No, idiot. I'm sure all those monitors going off and the medical people rushing into the room is sign of good things, so why don't you keep filming, just in case you can capture your new sister's death on camera as well as her birth. Finally, one doctor takes her attention off the dying baby to tell her sister to turn the camera off already.
Oh, Jennifer Grey is playing the mother, Abbey. You'll recall that her real-life father, Joel Grey, has also appeared on this show. Let's hope she fares better than his character did. House passes out the very thin files of their newest patient, an eight-hour-old baby who can't breathe. That sounds like a big problem, but not so much that House can't turn away from the case as soon as Cuddy comes in asking for a minute of his time. It turns out that she wants a lot more that one minute; she needs House for the night. But not in a good way; the nanny can't work late because, unlike Cuddy, she spends time with her children and has to see her daughter's recital, and Cuddy has to stay late at work for a board meeting. Cuddy's back-up baby-sitter, her mother, has a cooking class. And finally, Cuddy lost her freaking mind. So she wants House to baby-sit. Even though ANYONE ELSE would be a better choice. Hell, leaving the kid tied down to her crib unsupervised would be a better choice. Leaving the kid tied down to an Iron Maiden would be a better choice. House tries to play the work card to get out of it, saying that he has a sick baby to take care of, while Cuddy's child is healthy, if sorely neglected. Cuddy cares even less about other people's children than she does her own, and says House can take care of his patient from her home via the phone. Cuddy won't even agree to give House sex in exchange for the chore, saying that she's still waiting for him to hire a female doctor. Even if, apparently, said female doctor isn't qualified. As long as the new hire has a vagina, that's all Cuddy wants.
House agrees to baby-sit and heads back into the meeting room to diagnose the sick baby with liver failure that is causing her lungs to fail. Um, what? The baby's doctors haven't already checked for liver failure? I'm no doctor, but the little I know about newborn babies is that they always test their livers because often, newborn livers aren't fully functional. Which is usually pretty obvious anyway because of that whole jaundice thing. I know this because I worked in a hospital lab where we always had newborn blood for liver testing (I'm pretty sure all newborns are tested for this) and also because I had jaundice when I was born and so I got to spend the first day or so of my life in an incubator with little tiny sunglasses on. I look so cool in my baby pictures, you guys. Anyway, House sends Chase and Taub off to take care of the baby while he talks to Foreman about hiring a new female Cottage, apologizing for asking Chase to do it last week. "Go hire someone who likes The Bridges of Madison County," he orders. "You want me to hire a white girl?" Foreman asks. More like a white AARP member. Let's give the younger white women some credit, here. Foreman already anticipated this assignment and has the job search narrowed down to two candidates. House tells him to stop smirking. Foreman does not.
And so, House baby-sits. Even though it's only 7:00, Rachel is already in bed and asleep, so all House has to do is watch cartoons, pretend he's paying attention to the baby monitor, and lie to Cuddy that he's been checking on the kid every ten minutes. He heads for Cuddy's kitchen to find something to drink, but all he finds is OJ, purple stuff, soda, and no Sunny D. He goes for the OJ. When he closes the fridge, a small child is standing there staring at him. She's not that small, though. They're saying the twins playing Rachel are only two and a half, but they look a lot older. Maybe it's all the hair? "I'm thirsty," Rachel says, not in any way disturbed to find a fairly unfamiliar presence in her kitchen and no mother, as she's totally used to this by now. House says no, and those are her mean mother's orders. Rachel's like "who is Mommy? JUICE!" House sends her back to bed. She runs off, but clearly has no intention of going back to bed when she can run around the house all night and bother House. House quickly calls Wilson, sweetly inviting him to Cuddy's house for a "boys' night in." Wilson is stupid enough to fall for this.
Taub and Chase ultrasound the baby's liver and look for an abscess. One Dr. Cheng (as played by Lane from Gilmore Girls, looking much more her age than she did when she was like 35 playing a 20-year-old) is on the scene with a blood transfusion for the baby since the liver failure is causing her to bleed from the multiple IV sites. Abbey asks if she can at least touch her baby, but Dr. Cheng says no, although she will allow her to donate blood. The ultrasound does not find the expected abscess, but it does come up with dilated bile ducts. "What does that mean? Can I still take her home soon?" Clueless Abbey asks.
The Cottages confer with House over the phone. His responses are phrased in soft baby talk, causing Taub to ask House if he's okay. He isn't, as the nearby Rachel doesn't look any closer to going to sleep despite House's soothing tone. Foreman speaks up to introduce us to some woman sitting at the table: Dr. Christina Fraser, who he just hired. "You're fired!" House says softly. "What?" she asks. Well, at least she got some lines and a bump in her SAG minimum daily rate. House says it's not her fault, but she's collateral damage in his war against Foreman's ego. Well, that wiped the smirk off his face. Dr. Fraser takes the news better than you'd expect, gathering her things and leaving without cursing anyone out. Foreman angrily says House could've assaulted his ego without having to crush some innocent doctor's hopes and dreams. House doesn't think he could have, and assigns Taub to be the to hire a lady Cottage, promising not to fire this one without cause. As much as that sucked for Dr. Fraser, I think we can all agree that she probably dodged a bullet there. Literally, even; that meeting room has been the source of gunfire before. With that, House orders the Cottages to perform surgery on the sick newborn's liver to fix the Caroli's syndrome they're assuming she has.
Wilson arrives at Cuddy's house with a bag of Chinese food that he ended up paying for, even though House told him he pre-paid and all Wilson had to do is pick it up. Well, that's Wilson's fault at this point. He should have known that House would stick him with the bill, just as he should have known that House would try to stick him with baby-sitting duty, as House grabs his coat and tries to make his escape while Wilson is staring at the child he's surprised to see there.
Wilson runs outside after House, refusing to do his dirty work for him. House doesn't think Wilson will actually abandon a child. Wilson starts his car as if to show that he is ready, willing, and able to use it to get out of there. House starts his motorcycle. They stare at each other, and finally, Wilson breaks down and turns the car off. He can't leave Rachel alone after all. He says he'll call a "baby-sitting service" (like a baby-sitter's club? Awesome) to come and take care of Rachel and then he'll tell on House to Cuddy. Wait a second ... why didn't Cuddy just call that baby-sitting service in the first place? Ultimately, House agrees to stay with Rachel if Wilson does, too. They return to the house to find that in their two-minute absence, Rachel got into the bag of Chinese food and threw it all over the living room. And she isn't even eating any of the food, but a quarter, which Wilson ends up having to fish out of her mouth. House asks Rachel if she ate any other coins. Rachel doesn't answer, but awesomely looks from House to Wilson and back again.
In surgery, Chase doesn't even have time to fix the baby's liver before her blood pressure drops. Pediatrician/NICU/Neo-natal surgeon Dr. Cheng is on hand to assist, but even though she thinks of a drug they can administer that will raise the baby's BP, it's still not enough and Foreman orders them to close. Outside the OR, Foreman says their Caroli's syndrome diagnosis must have been wrong, since it would not have caused the baby's BP to drop like that. Wow, good thing they nearly killed her with a surgery to correct a condition SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE. Foreman and Chase think of possible diagnoses, while Taub thinks about hiring Dr. Cheng. Well, I guess that's easy enough. Just pick the first female doctor you see and call it a day. I don't know why he didn't just grab poor Dr. Christina Fraser on her way out, though, and offer her the job again. House wouldn't even have to know; he never saw her face. They'll just tell him that this new doctor is named Dr. Fristina Chraser and tell her to disguise her voice a little bit. Chase suggests pumping the baby up with a bunch of drugs to treat to vascular problems they now think she has, and while Foreman calls House for his opinion, Taub asks Chase for his on Dr. Cheng. Chase just shrugs, saying it doesn't really matter how good Dr. Cheng is; House is going to hate her. Taub says if he can make House think hiring Dr. Cheng was his idea, they might be able to make it work. Why does he care so much anyway? I think he just wants House to hire someone shorter than he is.
House isn't answering his phone because he's trying to see if he can find a coin in Rachel's gut using a crappy little fridge magnet. My fridge magnet can't even hold up more than three sheets of paper (or one 20% coupon from Bed, Bath, and Beyond -- those things come on thick card stock!), so I don't think he's going to have much luck getting it to stick to a coin through several layers of flesh and internal organs.
Wilson returns from cleaning up the living room to try to figure out, based on the food receipt and the change he got back, if any coins are missing. Ultimately, they're short one dime. House asks if this is really that big of a deal; after all, kids swallow stuff like this all the time. They just poop it out and everything is fine. Yeah, pretty much. My brother swallowed a penny once. It wasn't a big deal. No one died. And my street had a lot of kids on it, and most of them swallowed coins at one time or another, too. And they also survived. Wilson says that most likely, it won't be a problem. But there is a slight chance that the dime will get stuck in her intestines and kill her. And then Cuddy would probably dump House. Or not; she might be relieved to have the kid off her hands. Anyway, Cuddy finally comes home, so Wilson has to make a quick escape out Rachel's bedroom window, which is disturbingly easy to climb in and out of. Wilson urges House to just tell Cuddy the truth, but House says then he'll get in trouble, like Cuddy's never had to deal with her kid swallowing something she shouldn't before. Actually, she probably hasn't. But I'm sure the Nanny will explain to her that it's okay. Wilson says House will have to check Rachel for the 24 hours and make sure the dime "passes," then gets out of there.
House leaves Rachel's room just as Cuddy is approaching. She asks about Rachel, and that's House's chance to tell her the truth. Which, of course, he doesn't. "She's fine," he says with a reassuring smile. She doesn't even bother to check on the kid, just takes House's word for it. He offers to spend the night, and Cuddy accepts. I guess she is willing to trade sex for baby-sitting services after all.
Unlike Cuddy, Abbey cares about her daughter, so she's sitting to her when Taub enters with another blood transfusion for the baby. He asks where her other daughter Justine went, and Abbey says she went downstairs for "a few minutes" but has been gone for hours now. Abbey is not concerned that something may have happened to Justine though, as this is apparently usual behavior from her. "So you two are close?" Taub asks. Uh ... no. What made him think they were? The fact that Justine hasn't been around, like, at all? "It's been getting better," Abbey says, noting that the fact that Justine is in the building at all is "pretty supportive for her." Taub notes that the baby looks and sounds much healthier. So much so that he lets Abbey hold her for the first time. As Abbey coos over holding her very sick baby for the first time, Justine enters. "My first time! Finally," Abbey says. "Technically, it's your second time," Justine says. Is she talking about herself there? Because I don't think Abbey meant this was her first time ever holding a baby. She meant this particular baby. Like, obviously. I hate this family.
Taub's busy day continues. He finds Dr. Cheng using the MRI (OF DOOOM!!) on a small innocent child and informs her that Abbey's baby seems to be doing much better, so they've decided that she's cured. With that, Dr. Cheng turns the MRI on and instructs the girl inside it not to move. She does. Dr. Cheng is annoyed. The MRI (OF DOOOM!!) no doubt plots its revenge. Taub starts trying to sell diagnostics to Dr. Cheng, who interrupts to ask the girl's mother to restrain her daughter. "Now the mom's not gonna want to do it because she'd rather I just keep blasting her daughter with radiation," Cheng says awesomely. Although this could all be prevented if PPTH just hired some techs to run those MRIs instead of making the doctors do it, like every other hospital. Cheng says she'd be very interested in becoming House's fellow, mostly because it means she won't have to work with horrible children all the time. If you hate children so much, Cheng, then maybe you shouldn't be a pediatrician. Just switch to the ER or surgery or something. It's easy to change specialties at PPTH!
While Cuddy sleeps, House stays awake, waiting to hear something from Rachel. She makes a noise on the baby monitor and he is up and out like a shot. "Relax, I got this!" he tells Cuddy, who still doesn't think there's anything weird going on. House changes Rachel's diaper, much to his chagrin. Once it's off, he inspects the load inside with a flashlight and chopsticks. Rachel stares up at him, all "new stepdad is a weirdo. Stepdad Lucas never did this stuff. Also, who is that woman with the long black hair and big boobs I see occasionally?" Cuddy walks in on House in this position, and he explains his intense interest in her daughter's shit by saying he's "new to all this." Cuddy and her ridiculous pajamas shrug and head back to bed. Rachel grins triumphantly.
The morning, Cuddy leaves House slumbering in bed, as she has actual work to do but he claims his case is "under control" and thus he's allowed to sleep in. "Your boss must really like you," Cuddy says. Yeah, and be a terrible administrator. Cuddy leaves House and the long-suffering Nanny Marina, but he doesn't get to catch up on any sleep as the Cottages call to inform him that their diagnosis has changed and also, there's a Dr. Cheng involved. House is thrilled to hear of an Asian doctor he can make fun of, but Taub just says she's an NICU attending who's been helping them out and ended up spotting the vascular malformation in the baby's liver. Foreman makes a move to protest giving Cheng credit for his diagnosis, but Taub stops him. House says it isn't a vascular malformation anyway; the baby's liver test results showed way too much damage for that. "Dr. Cheng is an idiot," House concludes. This won't work with Taub's plan to trick House into hiring her, so he quickly tells House that the vascular malformation was really Foreman's idea. Again, Foreman is like, "WTF Taub?" but he only speaks up to tell House that the baby has gotten better since they started treating her for a vascular malformation. House says that's only temporary, and the baby will be crashing again soon.
But the baby is still doing well enough for Abbey to hold and sing to her. Justine enters with her arms crossed. "I know that look," Abbey says. What look? The blank stare of terrible acting? Because that's all I'm seeing. Justine says she isn't used to seeing "such emotion" from her mother. Yeah, it's really weird that a mother would be emotional after giving birth to a baby who almost died. "You're different with her," Justine says; "I can't help thinking, where was this mom when I was growing up?" HUH? There are so many things wrong with that: 1. Even if her mother isn't the most emotionally available person in the world and wasn't affectionate or loving with Justine, I'm sure she was just like this when Justine was born because THIS IS PRETTY MUCH STANDARD NEW MOM BEHAVIOR. Especially when she wasn't able to hold her baby for a long time and the baby was so sick; 2. How does Justine know what her mother was like when she was a newborn baby? Or is she comparing how her mother interacted with her when she was a bratty teenager to how her mother interacts with a sick newborn? Because that would be ridiculous; 3. Even if everything Justine is saying is true, how is this the right time or place to bring it up? And 4. Shut up, Justine.
Abbey says she didn't realize she was such a bad mother to Justine. Justine says she never thought she was, but she also didn't realize that there was "an alternative." Yes, based on the behavior your mother has displayed towards the new baby in all of ten seconds you've seen them together, I'd say she's definitely totally different. Abbey doesn't really want to argue with Justine about such nonsense, so she changes th
e subject to how the baby feels wet and asks Justine to hold her. That's when Justine notices that the baby isn't peeing, but bleeding, which she points out with her usual flat affect.House and Wilson wheel Rachel into PPTH. Okay, how the hell did House convince Nanny Marina to let two weird men take Rachel away? That is not right. They have her set up on a wheeled cart covered in blankets, which they rush through the lobby before Rachel wakes up or Cuddy sees them. Wilson worries that Rachel will tell on them to Cuddy, but House says Rachel has a vivid imagination that no one will believe. Just last night, he says, she was "whining about the giant moose that lives under her window." It's probably Lucas. Maybe they should believe her. "Medusa at six o'clock!" Wilson says, spotting Cuddy walking out of the Clinic. "Medusa?" Really? Sounds to me like Wilson is a little bit resentful of all the time Cuddy gets with House now.
Wilson lifts the sleeping child onto a table, and she wakes up. Wilson is startled and unsure of what to do. He settles on an awkward "hello." Rachel is not amused, so he tries to make her smile by saying he's the moose outside her window. Rachel pulls her little dress over her face. "She hates that moose," House says. It's kind of awesome that he knows that. I'll bet Cuddy doesn't. Wilson gives up on the kid and begins the ultrasound on Rachel's belly as House answers a phone call from Taub, which he's unable to hear much of due to this room being the only one in all of PPTH where cell phones don't work. House calls Taub back on one of the hospital phones, and Taub tells him the baby is bleeding again and so their vascular malformation diagnosis was wrong. House already knew that, so he doesn't care. He tells Taub to hold tight while he checks out the ultrasound monitor, where Wilson has isolated what appears to be the dime. House says it could just be a "pocket of air," but Wilson points out that it's a perfect circle and you can just make out FDR's face on it. House says they should do an X-ray to be sure, but Wilson isn't too keen on zapping Rachel with radiation unnecessarily. Suddenly, there's a knock at the door. It's Taub, who was able to locate House using the extension from the phone he called on. Even though House called Taub's cell phone and he can't possibly have every extension in the entire hospital memorized.
House walks into the hallway to meet Taub, being sure to close the door behind him so Taub doesn't see Rachel. "Wilson's got a two-year-old with cancer. She's in a lot of pain. It's very sad," House says, like that's any kind of explanation. Also, Rachel chooses this point to laugh loudly. "He also has an outstanding bedside manner," House says. Taub doesn't really care, saying they need to know what to do for their patient and her liver failure. House thinks the answer is in why the baby got better temporarily, but he's summoned back into the room before he can give Taub any more help. Wilson again shows House the image of a dime floating around Rachel's colon, which House says is a good sign, since it's very close to being pooped out. Great, then they can just let nature take its course, right? It's not like the dime can cause any intestinal blockages now that it's in the colon. And yet, they decide to give Rachel a bunch of laxatives to speed the process along. "Yummy chocolate!" Wilson's hand-puppet tells Rachel. "You'll make a great mommy one day," House tells him, which gives him an idea. He runs back out into the hallway, where Taub is still waiting for him because he has nothing better to do. House orders him to transfuse some more of Abbey's blood to her baby.
Taub does so, and the baby gets better again. "Mother's touch," House says. Abbey thanks them for this "miracle." Taub has to tell her that this isn't a cure. House agrees, but admits he has no idea why the blood seems to be making the baby better. And yet, he must have known something was up to have suggested they do that in the first place, right?
House asks his team for a differential just outside the NICU unit, which makes Cheng readily available for Taub to invite her to join them. House is thrilled, as he can now make Asian jokes at her expense. "I hope you come with some original ideas," House says with a pointed look at Chase. Cheng says either Abbey's blood has antibodies that are treating a specific condition in the baby, or there's nothing special about Abbey's blood specifically except that it's giving the baby something her blood is missing due to a deficiency. House thinks the deficiency goes best with the baby's other symptoms, and they decide to test it by giving the baby blood from another donor. Because multiple blood transfusions aren't tough on a newborn's system or anything. Taub volunteers to give blood while House takes a walk with Cheng. He's already figured out that she's angling for the Cottage job, and decides to "test" her by asking what she would recommend for a two year old who swallowed a coin twenty hours ago. Purely hypothetical, of course. Cheng recommends giving the kid laxatives and if the coin isn't out in six hours then go in with a scope and take it out. Have fun explaining that one to Cuddy. Cheng asks if that's a good enough answer to get the job. "Talk to Taub," House says, ducking into the men's bathroom.
Wilson has set up shop in there with Rachel and a box of laxatives. Yeah, that won't look weird to anyone who happens to stop by to use the bathroom: Wilson and House, who are both known to be childless, with a little girl in the men's bathroom. Wilson says he figured this made for a good hideout since Cuddy wouldn't come in a men's bathroom. "Oh, Cuddy's been in here," House says knowingly. Wilson totally wants to know more, but he can't because you shouldn't talk about that kind of stuff in front of a child. House says they'll have to scope Rachel if she doesn't get rid of the dime in six hours, and Wilson says that's both dangerous and kind of difficult to do without Cuddy finding out, since she'll be home from work and therefore with Rachel in six hours. House says he can offer to baby-sit again and send Cuddy out for a night free of daughters and boyfriends. Wilson points out how suspicious that will be, what with House usually being a total asshole and all. Not to mention what Cuddy is going to say when she comes home to find her daughter complaining about how her new boyfriend shoved a tube up her ass. Or rather, once Nanny Marina discovers this, since she pays attention to the child. If I had a baby daughter and I left her with my boyfriend to baby-sit and came home to find out that her ass had been violated, I would probably dump the boyfriend. And call the police. And kill him. House spots Wilson's radiation dosimeter and orders him to give it to House, no doubt for nefarious purposes.
Sure enough, House holes himself up in a shower stall with some kind of blue light, which causes the dosimeter to turn red. I don't know a lot about dosimeters, but I'm going to assume that's a bad thing. He then scratches Wilson's name off of it.
Over in the NICU, Taub's blood isn't making the baby any better, which rules out Cheng's deficiency diagnosis. Taub tells Abbey that they'll focus on infections instead, and she tells him why she decided to have the baby in the first place, like anyone cares. I'm fine with assuming it's because her first kid turned out so awful. She says she wanted to be a "special mom," whatever that means.
Cuddy breezes into House's office complaining of problems in radiology by way of a positive radiation dosimeter badge, which means there could be a radiation leak somewhere. Also, Cuddy says, the name on the badge was scratched off, so she doesn't even know who the badge belonged to, nor does she find this suspicious. Thus, Cuddy says, she has to stay late and is hoping House can baby-sit for Rachel again. He pretends to hate this idea and agrees to it only when Cuddy promises sex in return. When she leaves, House smiles to himself about how well this is all working out. I'm just looking forward to this si
tcom storyline ending already.Taub sticks a giant needle into the baby's liver to get some infection material to test, but a black fluid fills the syringe instead of the pus he and Foreman were expecting. Abbey asks what that is, and Foreman tells her it's not an infection after all, but skin cancer. Which can apparently be inside your liver. And full of black goo. Abbey is understandably confused as to how her baby could have skin cancer without ever having been in the sun. "You have," Taub says. Yes, Abbey is the one with skin cancer, and she gave it to her daughter while she was in utero. Great, that's another thing for Justine to be jealous of.
After the break, Taub exposits that he found the cancerous mole under one of Abbey's fingernails. Oh, and now Cheng gets to sit at the meeting room table, which is covered in everyone's food orders. Except for House's, as no one got him anything. House says if Abbey has melanoma, then "that's it." Cheng says that's not exactly right, since Abbey can kind of die and stuff. "Boring," House says. What he does find interesting is the fact that for the cancer to spread to the baby in utero, it would have to be metastasic and late-stage, but Abbey doesn't appear sick at all. Foreman says whatever it is in Abbey's blood that's treating her baby, it must be treating her, too. Her immune system is fighting something else, thus creating cancer-fighting antibodies. Foreman, Chase, and Cheng come up with a few suggestions. House sends Taub off to test Abbey for an autoimmune disease, hoping he'll leave his dinner behind for House to eat. He does not.
Taub draws blood from Abbey, who is kind of upset to know that she gave her baby cancer, as you would be. She says she took such good care of herself while she was pregnant, and even hired a private detective to research her sperm donors. I wonder if she hired Lucas? Justine asks what will happen if her mother has something other than an autoimmune disease, as Justine has clearly seen this show before. Taub says they'll cross that bridge when they come to it, around the 51 minute mark. He leaves, and Justine apologizes to her mother for being a jealous brat out of nowhere before. "You were a great mom. You are a great mom," she says. "I don't deserve such a good daughter," Abbey says. Huh? What makes Justine a great daughter? She wouldn't even film her mother's vagina.
Taub and Cheng head to the lab to test Abbey's blood for various autoimmune disorders. Cheng reveals that House told her he was fine with hiring her, but that it was ultimately Taub's decision. "He's just saying that to set me up," Taub says. He doesn't want to offer Cheng the job if House says he's okay with it, because he knows it will only blow up in his face. "It's not lupus," Cheng says. Does she even need to get hired now? By saying it's not lupus, I'm pretty sure she's automatically a Cottage. Taub says he has to figure out what House's ulterior motive is before he hires Cheng. Cheng just shrugs and says she's at the end of the autoimmune disease tests and they're all negative. They'll have to scan Abbey for a granuloma-causing infection .
Wilson is stuck in Cuddy's house with Rachel, who, despite pooping a lot, still hasn't come up with the dime. Wilson is digging through Rachel's poop-filled diaper with a pencil, by the way. Gross. House says that means it's time to violate Rachel's anus, and hangs up on Wilson while he collects supplies to do so from PPTH. Good thing PPTH security sucks so much that they'll just let House walk out of there with all kinds of expensive medical equipment.
Abbey is sent into the MRI (OF DOOOM!!). Taub and Foreman look at her insides while discussing Cheng and whether or not Taub should hire her. Foreman thinks he should just go ahead and do it, and whatever House might be planning can't possibly be that bad. Plus, he says, House is more interested in Cheng than he ever was in Chase or Foreman's picks, so it might work out. With that, Taub finds something in Abbey's lungs: another cancer. Wow, what a sucky coincidence. If you count Justine, that's three cancers Abbey is afflicted with.
Foreman and Taub explain to Abbey that she has two different cancers, and the lung cancer is making her body create antibodies that are actually "treating" the skin cancer, thus explaining her lack of symptoms and why her blood helped her baby. Taub says they found the lung cancer early enough to treat it (and, apparently, early enough that it didn't spread to the baby like that skin cancer did), so she should be fine after a round of chemo and surgery. As for the baby, who we now know is named Kayla, she'll need chemo for the skin cancer. They won't be able to give her any more of Abbey's blood because once the lung cancer tumor is cut out, her immune system will no longer create the antibodies that fought the skin cancer.
Abbey asks if she can just wait to have the surgery after Kayla is better. Foreman says it would take eight or nine days for Abbey's blood to shrink the liver tumors that the skin cancer somehow created, and it's best not to wait that long because of the risk of the cancer spreading or clots forming in her cancer-thickened blood. If her blood is dangerously thick enough to make clots, why didn't they notice that when they tested her blood for everything under the sun? And why is it a good idea to keep pumping that blood into Kayla? Abbey says she'd rather risk herself than give her newborn chemo. Yeah, because I'm sure Kayla's development hasn't already been stunted by all the other health stuff she's gone through.
Justine pipes up to say to hell with Kayla; she doesn't want anything to happen to her mother. "I want what's best for my daughter," Abbey says. "I'm your daughter, too," Justine says. Ugh, are we back to that again? "She's a baby. You're an adult," Abbey points out. Justine says that doesn't mean she doesn't "need" her mother anymore. Well, it kind of does. I mean, you always need your mother. But not as much as a newborn baby does. "You never did. 'Cause I wasn't there for you," Abbey says, throwing Justine's earlier words back in her face. Good. "You turned out great," Abbey shrugs. Justine says Abbey has no idea whether or not she's great because she doesn't know her "at all." Neither do I, and, like Abbey, I don't care. "I'm not gonna let you martyr yourself for a two-day-old infant just because you feel guilty because you weren't around for me," Justine says. Hey, Justine? It's not about you. Abbey is doing this because she cares more about her daughter's life than her own, not because she cares more about Kayla's life than yours. Plus, it's only nine days.
House arrives at Cuddy's with a scope and some more Chinese food, which he says he requires in order to keep his blood sugar at acceptable levels for scoping. But not all is well, as House notes that the new girl at the restaurant messed up his order yet again, forgetting the extra pancakes. I hope they hire her as a Cottage . She sounds fun. Wilson says that same girl was working last night, and quick check on the menu shows that House's usual order of two extra pancakes costs $1.10 -- which means Wilson's tally of last night's bill was incorrect and the change he got back was fifty-eight cents, not sixty-eight. And that means there was no extra dime for Rachel to swallow. House and Wilson seem almost disappointed at this, perhaps having looked forward to the scope. House says he was right after all, and that thing on the ultrasound was just an air bubble. "You'd make a terrible mommy," House says. He said that to Cuddy once, too. And he was right. "Can I have some dumplings?" Wilson asks meekly.
Abbey hangs out with her good daughter. Justine walks in with some dinner, only to find her mother slumped over in her chair and without a pulse. Yes, Abbey has died from a blood clot, just like Foreman warned her could happen. Also, that means that both Jennifer and Joel Grey's characters on this show have died. Why do the writers hate the Grey family so much? Anyway, Abbey might have died, but she left enough blood behind to cure Kayla. Yay, I guess. Taub tells Cheng all of this, then offers her the job. Cheng says her desire to work on House's team ended as soon as she actually worked with them. Taub tells her not to let Foreman and Chase's attitudes get to her, but Cheng says that Taub is the problem, not them. He didn't hire Cheng when House said he could, instead acting like a "paranoid, scared little kid." And Cheng hates kids. Ouch. She leaves Taub then, and while it was nice to see him put in his place, I don't know that he really deserved that. Would Cheng have preferred that she take the job when House wanted Taub to offer it, only to get fired from House's team three seconds after she started and be forced to go back to the NICU with her tail between her legs, provided there's still an opening for her?
Foreman arrives in the NICU with some more blood for Kayla, who is now in Justine's arms. Justine promises that Kayla will always remember her mother and her mother's sacrifice, probably because Justine is going to tell Kayla about it every day when she blames Kayla for killing their mother and says she wishes Kayla died and not Abbey. Good times ahead for Kayla!
Finally, Cuddy and House sleep. Rachel wakes them up with news that she needs a diaper change, and now that House knows there are no dimes to be found, he's not volunteering to change her. Cuddy goes instead, only to find a dime in her daughter's diaper. "How did you eat a dime?" she asks as House's eyes snap open. "House," Rachel tattles.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, follow her on Twitter, or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.
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