Note: I watched this final episode at the cast viewing party at the Landmark Arts Gallery in Chicago. Thanks to Summer for inviting me, and thanks to everyone else in the cast for not, like, kicking my ass.
The Ass Passers return from their overnight dates. Holly and Dave are the first to return to the house, and the rest of the classmates start in with the mandatory nudge-nudging and wink-winking, because, after all, it's why they're there. In an interview, Dave says it was great to be with Holly and "to have a situation where it was just her and I." Man, I sure hope the OPRF English faculty has a kick-ass drinking game for all these grammar mistakes. "Misuse of subject-case pronouns," says Dave's old teacher. "Oh, crap -- two drinks for me." "Was it an Honors class, Saundra? Because then you have to do a shot." "Fuck! Fuck myself!" Holly unties the wrapping on the bouquet of roses Dave got her and playfully puts the twine around Tim's neck. "You can wear this for Prom," she says. Why? Is it hemp?
Ben and Maya's minivan pulls into the driveway. They're at it again with the gimmicky video quick-rewind-play-forward-again stuff: The van pulls in! Then it backs up! Then it goes ahead! It's like Ben and Maya's relationship! In an interview, Maya says, "We had a good kiss! We definitely did! It was enough to make me uncomfortable." Ohhhh. We get it now. Hey, Maya? That feeling you call "uncomfortable"? Most people call it "horny." In Ben's interview, he says that after the kiss, he and Maya talked. "She seemed to respond pretty well -- she seemed interested," he says. Most people say "interested," but Maya would probably use the word "itchy." Well, as long as they understand each other. "Things are definitely up in the air with Ben and I," says Maya. The English faculty drinks some more. "Hey Ted, she was in your AP class! Ha! That's THREE drinks. And buy the round." "You're speaking in sentence fragments, Brenda." "It's colloquial, ASS."
Dan Barbato and Natasha leave their Mutual Self-Love Shack, or whatever you want to call it. Barbato says that "we were able to make a connection," but they're one day closer to going home. They get into the minivan. There's a shot of them riding in the van together, apparently making a great effort to ignore each other in classic Morning After mode. Except it was filmed on their way to the cabin instead of on the drive home -- you can tell by the clothes. Natasha voices over that she's "confused." No kidding, with continuity like this. As they're walking in, Natasha says to Dan, "You're not going to tell them about what happened, right?" They're just going to refer to their supposed sex in front of a camera, right? Yeah. They talk with Dave in the kitchen. "Did you guys fall in love last night?" Dave asks them. What? People have to ask? Their completely overstated performance didn't make it obvious? "Did you?" Natasha asks. "Uhhhh…" says Dave. They start talking about Prom. "It was kind of obvious that Dan and I were going to go to the Prom together?" says Natasha, in an interview. Natasha needs everything to be obvious? And to be said with an inflection that makes everything sound like a question? That doesn't need to be answered? Because, like, it's obvious? In the kitchen, Dan extends an arm out theatrically and asks her to Prom. Natasha voices over, "I just paused, to pretend like I didn't know" -- because she's worried that her pretending not be obvious isn't obvious enough to us -- "and then I said yes."
Time to talk about Prom. Did we mention that there's going to be a prom? There's going to be a prom. Chris says in an interview, "We had found out there was going to be a prom." Remember when Mike Richards told everyone last week that there's going to be a prom? Yeah. Because there's going to be a prom. A PROM. The classmates all have to fill out ballots to vote for Prom King and Queen. "Prom King and Queen was definitely a popularity contest in high school," says Maurice. Well, except not at OPRF, because we didn't elect a Prom King and Queen. But then again, Maurice didn't say that Prom King and Queen was definitely a popularity contest in OUR high school. He could simply be speaking in a larger socio-historical context. Or maybe Mike Fleiss said, "Want some screen time, 'Loner'? Then read from this damn cue card." Maurice admits that, on the other hand, voting for Prom King and Queen on this show "could be kind of fun." The classmates are shown filling out the ballots, which have other mock election categories including, "Most Likely to Succeed (from here)," "Sexiest Male," "Sexiest Female," "Most Annoying." Heh -- someone voted Dave "Most Improved" while someone else voted him "Classmate Still Stuck in 1992." Someone voted Maurice "Most Annoying." "It's possible that Dan and Natasha will be voted king and queen of the prom," says Patricia, who is more accurately "The Speaker Of Speculative Statements That Are Occasionally Gossipy In Nature" these days. Summer says she's going to vote for Jeff and Sarah. "Well, I think I should be voted king of the prom," says Chris. "It's obvious that I have the look, the attitude, the smile, and I'm extremely well liked." Ah, Chris, we hardly knew ya. You're like an Off-Brand Jeff. Jeff is a Twinkie but you, Chris, are a Dolly Madison Zinger. And that's okay.
In the kitchen, Summer shows off the charm bracelet she got last week. "I got another secret admirer present," she tells Dan B. and Natasha. Barbato checks out the bracelet. "Somebody's not messing around," he says. In an interview, Summer says that "there are these little hints of attraction floating around the house." Cue clips of Summer hanging out with Maurice, Chris, and Tim. She thinks that she'll probably find out who the secret admirer is at the prom, and she thinks it might be Tim, since he asked her to go. "I don't know if my boyfriend at home is going to appreciate some mysterious secret lover at the house sending me notes, and I'm eager to find out what the situation is," she says. Eager, like she can't WAIT to tell him she has a boyfriend and totally crush his hopes. Well, that's probably not what she meant. She's just flirty. Even with the stalkers.
All the guys pile into a van to go get fitted for tuxedos. Not a minivan this time -- a full-size, studly MAN VAN. The preferred mode of transport for men who want to look good but don't want to sit too close to each other, if you know what I mean. Chris voices over that the idea of going to Prom again is "weird and exciting at the same time." He says, "The excitement was flowing through our veins." Man, rented formalwear will do that to you. In the van, JockDan admits that he's nervous and asks Jeff if he is, too. "Sarah told me she's not wearing underwear," says Jeff. Heh. I'm glad she gets to live down the flashing incident, and maybe even give the HellBra a break. The guys go to the rental place and start getting dressed up. "It brings back those feelings of going to 'The Prom,'" says Maurice, indicating the quotes with his fingers. Yeah, that's kind of "the idea" here. Dave yells out, "Is there any more cummerbunds?" ("Finish your drink, Saundra!" "Oh, sweet fucking Chekhov, I'm wasted now!") "I absolutely hate this color," says Dave, holding up a pink cummerbund. It looks like they had only eight different colors of cummerbund to choose from. Dude, be glad you didn't have to scramble for a formal dress on Joe Millionaire.
Back at the house, the girls are getting ready -- putting their hair in rollers, putting on facial masks. I have to give Patricia credit for knowing that Queen Helene Mint Julep Masque kicks ass, even though it's one of the cheapest things out there. Seriously. By way of some blatantly expositional dialogue between Tim and Maurice that I won't even bother to recap, plus some recycled voice-over sound bites from Summer, we learn that Tim is making up for his huge mistake in not asking Summer to Prom ten years ago by taking her tonight. It's his chance to make it right! Do or die! The girls continue to primp. Summer shows off her dress, which she got for twenty bucks. "Are you serious?" says Nicole. Hey, when you make art for a living, you know how to work a sale. The guys button their cuffs and cummer their bunds, or whatever. Jason says, "I'm going stag, but it's all right." Well, he thinks that a pair of sport sunglasses is a great formalwear accessory, so no wonder. Jeff says he's taking Sarah, "and she was showing her boobs last night, so I'm guessing I'm gonna get some." Back in her room, Sarah says, "I'll think I'll impress him -- show him some boob." Aww, they are like one with the boob jokes. The snappy one-liners come fast and furious now. Chris: "Somebody better get laid tonight, because we're looking good." Tim: "I feel pretty slick!" Jeff: "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful!" Dave: [Stupid hyena laugh.] The guys all pose for a picture in their dress shirts and cummerbunds. The array of cummerbund colors make them look sort of like waiters at a gay dinner theatre, but they look swell otherwise.
Summer comes down the stairs all glammed out. Maya and Natasha compliment her, just for the sake of giving a compliment. Tim shows up with Summer's corsage and she puts it on, and they hug, and she's very excited. Then Tim starts kind of hemming and hawing. "Uh, Summer? Uh…" This makes Summer even more hyper: "Aww! You're too cute! You're all nervous!" She claps her hands, even. Tim starts wringing his and says, "Look, there is nothing more in the world right now that I would like to do than take you to the prom --" "Woooooo!" says Summer. Oops, that is so not the right response. Chill, Summer. "Instead, I have to give you something," says Tim. "You look so serious! What?" says Summer. He takes out another Secret Admirer envelope, and she reads it, which sets off another round of shrieking intercut with moments of confusion expressed at normal voice levels: "OH MY GOD!!! What? OH!!! AUGHH!!! Oh, wait. Is this you? OH MY GOD AIEEEEEEEEE!!! Huh." Tim tells her it's not him, and there's a limo waiting for her out front. Tim walks her out, while the rest of the classmates follow to see what's going on. He opens the door to a white limo, and Summer peeks in, and she's like, "Uh, there's nobody in there," and Tim tells her it'll take her someplace, and then she's all "AIEEEEEEEEEEE!" again. For Summer, comprehension = screaming. "I have to go someplace else now? Where I am I going?" she asks Tim. "Je ne sais pas," says Tim. "And I have to leave everybody?" says Summer. "Aiieeeeeyahh-ah!" Well, okay, I guess confusion also = screaming for Summer. She hugs Tim and then does this little pee-pee dance. By now everyone's screaming for her to get in the car, like, before she completely loses her shit. Seriously, it's getting so she can only communicate in squeaks and squeals, like a dolphin. The limo pulls away. Everyone asks Tim what's going on. "I know nothing," he says. Everyone's like, "Bullshit!"
In the limo, Summer reads the note aloud: "'A limo is waiting outside to take you to me, so that we may be alone.'" She starts giggling. "Kinda scary," she says. Well, it's kinda late to start reading The Gift of Fear now. The limo pulls up to a spot along a beach. Summer's only instructions are to sit down at the table that's been set up and wait for her secret admirer. She goes over and sits down and spazzes out a little and then stops. She says in voice-over: "Any second now I know that there's going to be another person there, and I'll find out in a minute!" Summer waits. The little table's all done up with a pink tablecloth and centerpiece and leis adorning the chairs. Soon he will come! And he will take her drink order!
Summer waits through the commercials. Summer probably doesn't give a fuck what's going to happen on the Everwood right now. Yeah, well, neither do we.
Back to Summer waiting. "I hope whoever the secret admirer is, it's somebody good, and that they're not just playing a trick on me." Suddenly, from behind a hedge, out comes…a guy. Some guy! Do we know this guy? Well, actually, I did meet this guy briefly when I talked to Summer at the "Episode 3" viewing party a few weeks ago and she introduced him as her boyfriend. But still -- it's some guy. I feel almost as much Some Guy disorientation as the rest of you. Summer lets out a high squeak and runs over and hugs him. The guy introduces himself in an interview: "I'm Dave, I'm Summer's boyfriend." Summer explains that he was her high school sweetheart and they'd started dating again last year. They show a photo of them together, and I think I might have mistaken Dave for Maurice in a couple of the photos in Summer's "Episode 1" intro. Anyway. Summer and Dave L. hug. Dave tells her jokingly that he "was in the area, and decided to stop by." "Seriously, though, I got a question for you," he says. "Yeah?" says Summer, who starts wriggling around again. He kisses her and gets down on one knee. She runs around in a little circle and giggle-shrieks. Man, it's like Christmas morning in Disneyland for her, isn't it? Dave L. takes her hand and tells her that since she's been gone, he's realized that he doesn't ever want to be away from her again, and he wants to be with her forever. Summer's now started to incorporate cooing noises into her repertoire of mouth-sounds, but when he finally says, "Will you marry me," she's able to say, "Yes!" Dave L. stands up, and they kiss and hug, and Dave L. takes out a ring box, and when she sees it, she forgets English and pretty much any kind of evolved system of language. I guess she could be speaking Hawaiian, but I don't think so. "Do you want it?" Dave L. asks, holding up the ring box, and Summer squeaks and twitters like a parakeet and flails around to let him know she wants shiny! Wants the shiny-shine on her handy-hand thing! Yi! Yi! She kisses him again and then manages the syntax to say, "I'm going to pass out now."
Back at the house, Tim and Nicole toast "to new friends." Ones who've had their long-held high school romantic expectations dashed to bits, that is. Tim says in an interview, "The most important thing about this reunion for me was getting the chance to do something special with Summer." He continues in voice-over that when he didn't get to take Summer to Prom, "it got to me." He starts to cry in the kitchen. "It's happy and sad at the same time," he says. Nicole and Holly come over and stroke his head and comfort him. Oh, yeah -- Tim knows where to cry.
Another white limo pulls up, and Ben, Chris, and Jeff get out. Uh, where did they go? To snag some Trojans at Walgreen's? Whatever. I guess it's so they can act out the whole coming-to-pick-up-the-girls part. The guys bellow up the stairs for the girls to come down. Oh, that would have gone over great with my dad. Maya, Amy, and Sarah come down the stairs. Man, Amy's dress rocks. It's this black retro-looking halter deal. Jeff sees Sarah in a strappy, low-cut dress and says, "Put those away -- this is a family party!" Yeah, it's time to put the boob jokes away, too. Chris puts the corsage on Amy, saying he handcrafted it himself from rare flowers. Then JockDan and Maurice show up to pick up Patricia and Nicole, respectively, and finally Dave gets Holly and Barbato meets up with Natasha. Barbato's wearing this fucking fedora which he has cocked off the side of his head. Oh, God, is that his supposed to be his Playa Hat? "Shuffleboard playa" is more like it. Nice tux, Uncle Mortimer -- all your peeps at the Rotary Club will dig that shit. As he walks out with Natasha, he says in voice-over that tonight he wants Natasha "to at least admit that there's a chance this might work out. Because this girl could be the one…this girl is driving me crazy." Oh, no.
Dan and Natasha are in the limo. Natasha voices over that "he's so sure about how he feels, and I've never been that completely sure about things." Barbato makes a huge deal about kissing her hand. Meanwhile, Dave and Holly decide that her corsage, like everything else, is "perfect." In another limo, Tim is no longer crying but laughing; in yet another, Jeff is trying to feel up Sarah and she keeps having to slap his hand away. But you know Sarah loves it. Well, actually, she winds up covering her chest with a napkin, so maybe not.
The limos pull up to some place called "Wailea Estate." I'm so glad that they didn't stick this faux prom in a fucking school gym somewhere to so as to conjure up some cheesy notion of essential high-school-prom-ness, because the OPRF proms were held at nice Chicago hotels like the Palmer House and the Hilton & Towers. We were classy, yo. The place they're at looks fancy enough, except then they had to crap it up by putting up cardboard stars and plastic curtains, as if they really were still depending on a couple of seventeen-year-old dorks who volunteered to drive to Party Mart. The couples pose for their Prom photos. Tim poses on his own. Jeff and Sarah pose and do their pawing/slapping-hand routine yet some more. Everyone poses for a group photo. Then they have their dinner buffet. Lots of close-ups of the classmates eating, and you know they appreciated that. Jeff tries to lick Sarah's ear. Oh, like THAT won't mess up Sarah's child when he watches the show. Sorry, kid, that's not your new daddy on TV. There's toasting at the Prom. There's laughter. And then, there's Mike Richards. He walks out and announces the band that will be playing: Naughty By Nature.
Naughty By Nature. No kidding: Naughty By Nature. They come out and perform "O.P.P.," because really, how the fuck else are you going to know they're Naughty By Nature? Chris says in an interview that "we really just realized collectively that it really was Naughty By Nature." What I love is how, in lieu of an actual stage, they've put up a four-foot-high wall in front of Naughty By Nature. Don't get too close to that barrier, kids! They're naughty! By nature! I bet it was a rider in their contract: "The classmates must maintain a distance of at least twenty-four (24) inches from Naughty By Nature." Naughty By Nature asks the classmates if they're down with O.P.P. The classmates say, "Yeah, you know me!" But wait, are they down with O.P.P.? Are they really down with O.P.P.? Naughty By Nature asks them again. And again. And again. It's important to be completely comfortable with the O.P.P., no matter who or what your P may be. Naughty By Nature just wants to be sure, you know? Then again, Naughty By Nature haven't watched this show. In an interview, Barbato says, "It was great -- these guys were right up to us." He slaps hands with Naughty By Nature. ("During the performance, Naughty By Nature consents to slap hands no more than three (3) times with some damn white guy.") Everyone seems to be having a blast, though. But it's weird -- because maybe things were different by 1992, but in '89 at least, it was well known that despite the diverse population at OPRF, there'd almost never be more than about ten minutes of hip-hop played at the dances. So it's kind of ironic now.
Naughty By Nature announces that there are "nuptials in the house," and Dave L. and Summer make their entrance. Jeez, they fly the guy all the way to Hawaii, plant the gifts and notes he sends, and set up the whole proposal scene -- but they can't get a tux on him? There's much hugging and excitement. A few of the classmates seem to know Dave L. Summer shows off the ring, although it looks different from the ring she was wearing at the final episode party. Tim is shown getting a drink from the open bar, all by himself. Aww. In an interview, he says that he hadn't expected for the whole engagement thing to be so emotional, "and I had a lot going on in me, and I had to get it out." Well, this makes him sound like he's going to be all Jeremy-spoke-in-class-today, if you know what I mean. But actually, it means another letter/poem. He takes the mic by the stage and reads it aloud: "My friend, tonight life will open one of her rare and luminous flowers to you, and your world will become more real than it ever was before…may the stars shine silver and bright upon your life to come." Summer cries. The drunk English teachers nod. "Eh. Not bad." "Yeah. The little shit read too much Kerouac, though." "Didn't they all?"
Tim calls for a toast to Dave L. and Summer, and then he's just about to read the awards of the Prom elections when Ben and Jeff race in wearing nothing but their bow ties and…socks. One sock each. Not on their feet. You know what they say about big feet? Yeah, the socks are over that. There's enough blurred out that you can't tell whether what they say about big feet is true, and no, I don't know what it means that Ben has to hold his sock on while he and Jeff do this total cootchie dance where they swing their…socks, like, is it because his feet are big, or what, and…yeah. Let's not go there. Anyway, it's pretty hilarious, and Jeff chases Holly at one point, and it's really funny. Jeff says that "nudity used to be a big part of my life, but not so much anymore…I'm trying to phase that part out." I can't tell if he's serious or not. Jeff and Ben shake their stuff one last time and then run out of the room. They're brave and everything, but then again, they may not know about the slow-motion function on TiVo. I'm kind of wishing I didn't know about it now, either.
Everyone's still cracking their shit up over the streaking. Sarah says she can't believe she voted for Jeff for Prom King. Tim says that he wanted to streak with them, but he didn't because he was giving his speech. I guess he'll regret that for ten years until he goes to the prom on High School Reunion Reunion. Tim gets out the ballot results again and prepares to read them. In an interview, Natasha says that since Maya was Homecoming Queen, she shouldn't get to be Prom Queen, too. "That would be lame! I mean, you know, it would be okay if I was, I guess." Oh, Natasha, I'm tired of making fun of you. See the poll on the index page. Tim announces the Queen and King: Patricia! And Jeff! Everyone applauds. There's a shot of Natasha totally sulking. You can tell the editors just stuck a random pouty shot of Natasha in there, but it's still funny. Patricia and Jeff stand up, and Tim presents them with their plastic crowns. In an interview, JockDan explains that ten years ago people would have just picked the most popular guy, "but now that we're ten years older, we should vote for a good sense of humor and a great personality." Well, those qualities are kind of what make people popular in the first place, but you get the idea. Strangely, nobody explains why they voted for Patricia. But somehow she manages to avoid standing in that one spot right below the suspended bucket of pig's blood. Damn.
Time for the clips of the Prom dance-floor shenanigans! JockDan grabs Jeff's leg, and he falls over. Jason spins on his back really impressively. Sarah almost falls out of her dress. The conga line congas, booties waggle, and the honking ska assaults us all. Then there's a lingering shot of the disco ball, because of course, as in every prom that's ever appeared onscreen, the disco ball is a time portal, taking us magically to the slow dance part of the evening. Dave and Holly slow-dance. Yep, they slow-dance. Man, it's a good thing Dave and Holly like to slow-dance, because really, all you can do with Dave and Holly is just film them from different angles anyway. Holly: "Dave's great. He's more than great -- he's unbelievably wonderful and perfect." Dave says that if he wanted things to be exactly the way he wanted, he would go down on one knee and propose to her, because she is perfect. But he doesn't do that, so it's not completely perfect, because if it was, then there wouldn't be any way to go beyond perfect and we'd all be bored. Oh, wait -- we already are.
We see the moon. It's not a full moon, but still it makes Natasha all babbling crazy in an interview: "I guess this whole ending thing, and like with Summer and Dave getting married, and it's just kind of like, you know, it just reminds me that I've [bleeped] up so bad! Like, you know? I just like let myself go with this whole thing and just let you know let things happen and that wasn't…uh…that was FUN. But, um, it wasn't the right thing to do." Huh? Yeah. In an interview, Barbato says that Natasha "is acting really cold" to him. We see them at their table at Prom; Dan is leaning in way close and talking to her. Then they're off in a corner, but their personal mics are working perfectly. Natasha's all, "I didn't come here to get together with anyone," and Barbato's all, "What are you saying?" and then Natasha says, "I just got carried away, that's all!" And then they stomp off in opposite directions, and wouldn't you know, there's this fabulous tinsel curtain in Natasha's direction to lend just the right disco flair to her pain. Then Dan B. stands on the dance floor with his fedora tipped over his face. No, really. Remember when you were twelve, and you'd fantasize about having major drama with your future boyfriend, and you were thinking maybe sometimes it would be just like that one part in the "Save A Prayer" video? Yeah. You thought up this exact scene. You know you did. And remember when you sneaked your first ever wine cooler and got buzzed and tried to imagine Simon LeBon? Yeah. You thought up Dan Barbato instead.
Prom ends. Everyone piles back into the limos and returns to the house and changes into pajamas and raids the kitchen. JockDan eats ice cream. Natasha eats a sandwich. Mmm, peanut butter and self-pity. Ben and Maya go outside to the hammock to discuss the ambiguous future of their sort-of relationship, and I could recap this scene, or I could tell you instead that when this part came on the air at the viewing party, Ben grabbed the woman he was there with and booked outside for a smoke break. I have no idea what that means. And from the scene itself, I really have no idea what Ben and Maya figured out, either. Go have a cigarette and come up with your own theory.
The drama continues with Barbato and Natasha, only with harsher lighting this time. They huddle on the couch, and their conversation is captioned, as if the crew really had to strain to catch every word. Dan B.: "Some people call it a one-night stand, but we can call it paradise." Natasha: "I've never been as sure as you have." Dan B.: "Can I convince you to be with me? Is that what you're trying to say?" Natasha: "No, that's not what I'm saying at all…I got, like, swept up by you." Dan B.: "I will not buy that for one second. That is the biggest bunch of @%$#." (Well, he says "bullshit," but, you know, captions.) "What about last night?" he says. She tells him that she's been slowly making the decision for a few days. "You're so @%#*&$# shallow," he says. "Why do you think that is?" He sputters a few more harsh symbols at her and stands up. "I'm not in love with you," Natasha says. "I can't believe what you're doing right now," says Barbato. "I've never experienced that before in my life," he says. "To have this happen after I've been such a player is so very ironic," he adds. "Well, it's similarly ironic that I experience my inevitable retribution at your hands," says Natasha.
It's the last day in the house. The captions say "Day 1," which is either a big typo or some kind of stupid philosophical statement. It's early afternoon, but everyone is just waking up. Barbato goes downstairs and gets some coffee and brings it up to Natasha, and they act out a sweet little apology scene. Dan says in an interview, "I can totally respect her feelings of wanting to back away from this -- it's a crazy situation." Natasha says in an interview, "I hope we can still be friends." Whatever. I'm so done with them. I'm totally going to go to college in another state to get the hell away from these assholes. Oh, I guess I did that already. Well, maybe I'll have to do it again. Transcribing their dialogue has probably made me stupider.
JockDan and Patricia go into Chris and Ben's room to wake Chris up. Chris is still wearing his tuxedo trousers. Patricia asks him what he thinks the highlight of the night was. Chris mutters, "I think it was when I looked out at all my friends that I'd made, and I realized that this was the greatest moment of my life." Heh. He can be a smart-ass even half-asleep. Meanwhile, in the bed, Ben tries to scratch himself as discreetly as he can.
It's time to go. Everyone packs their suitcases. Kong! Kong! Mike Richards summons the classmates one last time. Oh, enough with you, Mike Richards, you and your stupid creepy B.F. Skinner gong shenanigans. The classmates gather on the lawn. "It seems like just the other day you guys got here, and now it's time to go," Mike Richards says. He sounds about as sentimental as an ATM. He says he'll leave everyone to say their goodbyes. "Good luck with everything; thank you for everything." Thank them for what? For not keying his car? They would have, if he'd been in charge of them in high school ten years ago. "Aloha to the Class of '92!" he says, because, well, it's easier than saying, "Aloha to the Group Of OPRF Graduates That Most Likely Were All Under The Same Roof At Some Point In The Early '90s." Everyone cheers. Mike Richards turns away, sort of hanging his head. Aww, isn't anyone going to say goodbye to him? No? Well, I wouldn't either.
The classmates mingle. Ben and Dave are all like, "Hey! My man." In an interview, Ben says he "absolutely abhorred Dave" in high school, but now considers him his friend. At this point at the viewing party, Dave came up to Ben and shouted, "I love you, Ben -- I totally want to lick your balls!" In an interview, Chris says that Dave has shown himself to be a nicer person, and a better person. Chris wasn't at the party, so I couldn't tell if Dave had any warm ball-licking sentiments about Chris. Barbato and Natasha talk about each other some more, and if I have to recap what they have to say, I'm sure it will cancel out at least three semester hours of college English credit, so I won't. They pass a bottle of champagne back and forth, and just for a minute I thought Natasha was swigging a forty-ouncer. I would have enjoyed seeing that, but oh well. Nicole is over Dan B., and whatever; Ben and Maya whatever; Dave and Holly and their perfect whatever. I know I'm totally skimming here. Sorry. I've got senioritis. Dave voices over that he looks forward to getting back home and back to their day-to-day life and "really getting to know who each other really is." I could make fun of this, but to Dave's credit he yelled, "ARE! IS! Whatever!" at the TV during the viewing party. Well, the English teachers were probably passed out by that point.
We see clips from throughout the show, treated to look like scratchy old home-movie film stock, because of course eight months ago is now so in the past that it actually dates back to before any of these people were born. Remember Jeff in his Speedo? That was 1967, right? Here's Tim playing the harmonica, back when he was with the original line-up of the Doobie Brothers. Yep. Anyway. Final thoughts. Final interviews. Everyone's changed. Everyone's the same. Everyone's going to miss everyone and everything. Everyone's resolved their past high school issues. I know I have. I've had to watch this show so many times now that it feels like I went to high school with these people -- which, I mean, I did, but it's not like I remembered most of them, except part of my brain has been telling me that I should remember them, and then I meet some of them in person and it messes with me more, and, well, now it's all pretty much displaced anything I might have remembered about my own OPRF days. No offense, Class of '89; I'm sure you were all very nice people. Whatever. The sun begins to set, and the classmates walk along the beach carrying their luggage. Or their memories. Or my memories. Or something.