Morning at the Casa de Classmates. Once again our host Mike Richards clangs the stupid gong to wake everyone up. Kong! Kong! Kong! He swings the mallet stiffly and more than just a little passive-aggressively. This week he's like that guidance counselor who was always trying to get you to come by his office and then, when you never did, became a complete asshole. Kong! Nobody wants to hang with Mr. Richards, huh? Kong! Everyone's too cool for Mr. Richards, eh? Kong! Maurice tells the other classmates, "Mike's been hitting the bong again." People laugh. Yeah, go on, laugh at Mr. Richards. Kong! Kong! Mike keeps hitting the gong. Get up, you little shits! Everyone staggers downstairs. Dan B. hugs Summer playfully. There's a shot of Natasha standing around looking annoyed, but for all we know she could have been just waiting to use the bathroom or something. Versatile actress, that Natasha.
Kong! Kong! Everyone makes their way outside to the patio. "I've got another game for you guys," says Mike Richards. Everyone pretends to be excited. "It's called 'Rumor Mill,'" says Mike Richards. Everyone groans. Mike Richards tells them they'll all have a chance to anonymously write down questions for their fellow classmates. "This is your chance to get to the bottom of those high school rumors that are kind of floating around still," he says. "As well as those rumors that are floating around the house now." Everyone is excited again. Get those rumors out in the open! Tie Patricia to a chair! Throw cold water on her until she coughs up all her gossip! Oh, wait, I guess the game doesn't involve that. Too bad.
One by one the classmates walk up to a table in a secluded part of the garden and write down their questions on pieces of thick, handmade parchment paper-- paper that looks exactly like the ballot paper on Survivor. It's reality paper. Regular paper can't handle the truth! Thanks to my Tivo's pause feature, I can tell you what some of the questions are. Someone writes: Is it true, Summer, that you bedded down with a teacher during high school? Someone else wants to know if Chris was really a womanizer in high school. Sarah holds up her question: Jeff: is it true you've never dated? Another question is Dan B., is it true you got really drunk and kissed a guy in college? Someone else wants to know if it's true that what Dave likes most is a good, hard spanking.
LT: Oh, if he likes it that's no good at all.
Wendola: Chris, is it true you direct porn?
JS: Amy, is it true you've lost so much weight that you're invisible on this show now?
Patricia says in an interview that she would like to know what rumors are "swirling about" her. Patricia, is it true that the producers are running out of things for you to say? And that they made everyone write down those questions just so you'll have some cue cards? Someone is shown writing down a question for Patricia: "Trish, is it true that you've kissed les-- [rest of question blocked]." The rest of the question is either "lesbians" or else something like "less than five guys." Either way, the question is: can she do anything with her mouth other than gossip? Do we care?
Later that morning, Nicole is listening at the door of Patricia, Natasha, and Maya's room. The three are talking about the night, when Summer pulled down Dan's shorts while he was sleeping and put cherries in his mouth, too. Cue slow-motion footage of Summer sort of poking something into Dan B.'s sleeping mouth. The hell? They didn't mention the cherry stuff during the last episode. Oh, great: they're pulling that selective-memory editing on us. I hate that. What other stuff are they withholding? Maybe Holly gave Dave a good hard spanking on the massage table? And then they'll break out the slow-motion video to prove it? And we're supposed to be okay with that? Well, actually -- we would be. But it's the principle of the thing. Anyway. Patricia snipes that the whole Barbato De-Pantsing Incident With Bonus Cherry-Feeding Action really "frightened" her. Natasha says in an interview that she was really mad when she heard what Summer had done. "It could have humiliated him," she said. Yeah, wasn't Ben looking on and saying Dan B. was "hung like a horse"? Because having an entire television audience know about the impressiveness of your cock is a painful nightmare. "I don't like that Summer did that to him. At all," Natasha tells Maya and Patricia. "I'm going to do something to her about it." Patricia says that the note Summer got seemed to give her a lot of confidence. "It's time to take some of it away," says Patricia. Patricia learned from watching Passions that it's a good idea to state your sinister intentions clearly.
Nicole, who supposedly has been listening outside the room all this time, goes over to another door and calls out, "Hey Summer…you're missing some comments out there." You're missing some comments? What, like Summer's supposed to hear every last thing that's said about her? Should she be setting up wire surveillance throughout the house? Summer sticks her head out the door, understandably confused: "Comments? Like…good ones? What kinds of comments?" Why, they're cruel, heartless PUN ON SUMMER'S NAME comments. Natasha discusses leaving a note that says, "Summer turns to fall." Maya and Patricia gasp, "That's horrible!" No! Not the jokes about the seasons! Have they no mercy?
In an interview, Summer admits that Natasha, Maya, and Patricia seem a little exclusionary. Patricia says that "cliques happen" and it's "only natural"; she seems to see it all as a sort of social Darwinism thing where it's Survival Of The People Who Are, Like, The Most Comfortable With Each Other, You Know. Patricia goes on to talk about the private cocktail party she, Natasha, and Maya want to throw in the room they share together. "We were thinking about inviting all the guys in the house, having them all come up at a certain time, and in order to come to the party they have to wrap a towel around their waists and bring three compliments." What kind of fevered imagination thought that up? You can tell that spending this much time secluded in a house being given mandatory date instructions and forced to play bizarre games is starting to affect them. Natasha explains to Dan, "It's a fifteen-minute complimentary martini party…we're going to give you guys drinks…for free, and you have to give us compliments." See how the whole concept of spontaneous human interaction is getting fuzzy now? Tomorrow they'll be throwing a special jamboree where everyone who brings a coffee cup and says "good morning" will get free breakfast! Won't that be a kick? Woo hoo!
Natasha and Dan Barbato lie around on the beach, murmuring about what a "genius" idea the cocktail party is. The camera makes a point of the showing how their intertwined hands play with a rubber band. Their love, it stretches, it snaps, it binds them together! Their love is like a ponytail! Or something. Maya says in an interview that she knew immediately that the guys-only party would cause a conflict with the rest of the girls. Cut to montage: Nicole! Summer! Amy! Sarah! They're pissed! Or maybe not! But they look pissed! Natasha tells Dan that Maya's not sure about the party. "She feels like it's mean to the girls. Which it is, but you know, like, whatever." Patricia says it's a great idea and adds, "You realize we're going to have a lot of haters because of it." Hater montage! Sarah! Summer! Nicole! Hating! Or maybe just getting something out of the fridge. But with hate!
Hall Passes materialize. Maya gets one for her and a classmate to spend the evening enjoying "some sushi, sake, and the sunset…" Does Hawaii have anything else to offer besides sunsets? Does everyone have really short-term memories and forget that that happens every night? My God. Maya reads the Hall Pass aloud. She knows how to pronounce "sake," but I kind of guessed she would, and so did the producers, I guess. Natasha and Dan B., and Patricia tell her she shouldn't worry about finding someone to ask. "You were the Homecoming Queen, sister," says Dan. Maya says in an interview that she really didn't have a dating life in high school, even though she was Homecoming Queen. Once again, the producers show that photo of Maya at the graduation ceremony that they hope you'll think was actually taken at her Homecoming Queen coronation. No, we don't know why she's shrieking with joy at her bouquet of roses, because every girl had them, and we all had to pay $12.95 for the damn things, and they fell apart three hours later.
Maya decides to ask Ben and write her invitation on an apple stuck on a fork. Well, that's cute. Then again, these are also people who throw parties in order to get compliments, so it could be another sign that they're all getting weirder. Need to get in the bathroom? Do an interpretive dance! Does someone want that last beer? Sacrifice a goat! Anyway, Ben says yes to the date.
Summer gets the other Hall Pass. She says in voice-over: "If it's my one shot out of the house, I'm going to make sure I'm going to have fun." She walks downstairs to the kitchen to show the others. The Hall Pass is "to spend an evening soaking up some local flavor and" -- let's all say it together now -- "the SUNSET." Everyone is waiting to see who she'll ask. She turns to Barbato and says, "I think maybe, Dan, if you'd like to go with me, we would have a lot of fun." Dan grins and says, "Are you serious?" Reaction shot from Natasha; her face says, "Bitch did not ask my Barbato out! Bitch did not!" Dan says he'd love to go. Maurice looks on and takes a loner-esque swig of his beer. In an interview he says, "I think Summer's asking Dan had a lot to do with ruffling Natasha's feathers." Natasha is interviewed saying that she was really surprised at Summer's decision. "Dan and I have been spending a lot of time together…I thought it was kinda clear that we liked each other?" Um, okay, shouldn't she also be surprised at Dan's decision? The guy could've told Summer he wouldn't feel right going on a third Hall Pass when half the guys there haven't been on any. He could have said, "Thanks for asking, but I've decided to spend the rest of my time here with Natasha." He could have said -- hmm, what's the word I'm thinking of? Oh, yeah -- "NO."
Summer says in an interview, "I was just interested in having my fun Hall Pass, and beyond that, I didn't care." "Aww, Natasha looks so sad," says Sarah. She points around the kitchen. "She really looked sad walking from there to there." I wish I'd said that. I'll probably I think I did say it fifty years from now, when I'm really old and the experience of recapping this show has sufficiently messed with my head enough to get it confused with my real high school memories. Yep.
Hey, there's a Snickers commercial. Did you know that the announcer guy on the Snickers commercial went to OPRF?
Apparently people are still writing out stuff for the Rumor Mill game. We see that it's Dan B. who writes the question to Summer about sleeping with a teacher. "Something went on there, so I want to know the truth," he says to the camera. Yeah, so we never find out. Meanwhile, everyone in the District 103 Office just crapped themselves. Summer and Dan get ready for their date. "I knew Dan and I had hung out enough and had enough conversation that I knew we'd have fun and have something to talk about," she says. Ben and Maya get ready for their date. Hey, are we all starting to understand that girls put on makeup before dates? Wow.
Summer comes downstairs to the living room all dressed up. Natasha's reaction: what you'd expect. Patricia says…oh, never mind, we don't care. In an interview, Summer says, "It would make sense that Natasha would be a little intimidated, but I don't care…whatever their romance was or wasn't, it wasn't really my responsibility." Summer and Dan B. walk out to leave. Natasha says something about Summer's miniskirt. "She pulled that up pretty high," adds Chris. Hee, Chris.
Dan B. and Summer exchange Player-Flirt banter in the minivan. "Nicole was kinda warning me," says Summer. Nicole says in an interview: "I told her, 'Dan's going to try to kiss you! Especially if he's been drinking! He's going to try to kiss you.'" She is still a little wild-eyed over it all -- yeah, he's, like, a kissing bandit, that's it! "I'll wait to see how it plays out," Summer tells Dan. Dan is interviewed saying that he really likes Natasha, but he also really likes "this plot twist." Summer and Dan stroll around some resort town and talk over drinks. Dan tells her he wasn't always so outgoing and that his mom died when he was fifteen. Summer thinks that he has more depth now. Oh, but what we really care about is that Natasha is pissed. Back at the house, she lies petulantly on a chaise lounge. She slouches on a couch. "I'm just gonna try not to think about it, and when they come back, I'm just going to act like I don't care!" she says. Nicole says, "If he tries to kiss Summer tonight? He's not really into Natasha. That's my test." Nicole gets very excited at the thought of being The Dan Barbato Kissing Authority. It's like when you totally flop at the Olympics but get to come back for the Olympics and do the color commentary.
Here's Maya and Ben together! Yeah, we've seen them. Here's a sunset! Yeah, that, too.
Back to Summer and Dan B.'s date. I have to say that, on this date, Dan B. is neither the sleazebag he was on his date with Nicole or as the smug ass he's been with Natasha. He seems likeable, even. Dan and Summer both admit to being attracted to each other, but that's as far as it seems to go. Mike Fleiss shakes his fist. Curses! They aren't needy enough!
Back at the house, the classmates drink. What else is there to do? Well, play stupid games and drink. Patricia suggests Truth or Dare. God, they're all about these rumor/truth/confessional games. They're all going to get drunk enough to speak their minds anyway, so I don't get why all this multi-tasking is necessary. I guess it's better to be organized about drunkenly blathering secrets and taking off your clothes. They sit around by the pool playing Truth or Dare, and Jeff asks lots of bullshit questions, like is it true that Natasha had a crush on him in high school (well, no) and if it's true that Dave made out with Holly and bragged about it. Dave gets this look of chagrin on his face like, "What? What makes you think I'm the same high holy dicksmack I was three days ago?" Then Natasha dares Dave to kiss Holly on the lips, and he does. In an interview, Dave says that ever since their date Holly has been "letting her guard down" around him. You can tell that he very badly wants to say "top" instead of "guard." In Holly's interview, she says that Dave's "got this really great, sweet side of him that nobody sees." KK: "Yeah, because having a sweet side helps so much when NOBODY SEES IT."
Amy and Nicole are sitting around on the couch. Amy starts talking about how Natasha and Patricia are planning on holding a cocktail party for the guys only. "Just them two?" asks Nicole. "Just them," says Amy. Nicole: "Are there any other girls that are invited?" Amy: "No, just the guys!" Nicole: "Wait, so we're not invited?" Jesus, does Amy need to draw a fucking Venn diagram for Nicole? THIS CIRCLE REPRESENTS THE SET OF GIRLS; THE SHADED AREA DENOTES THE SUBSET OF GIRLS THAT ARE NOT NATASHA OR PATRICIA. Eventually Nicole understands that THE SYNTHESIS OF CIRCLE A AND CIRCLE B IS A COCKTAIL PARTY TO WHICH YOU'RE NOT INVITED, LOSER. And then she gets pissed. "You're fucking kidding me!" says Nicole. "The only way for them to get drinks is to pay them compliments," snickers Amy. "Oh! So they're so insecure they need compliments!" Nicole says huffily. "Just relax," says Amy, who clearly thinks it's all sort of funny and just doesn't give a shit. Young lady, that attitude will never get you anywhere on a reality show.
Nicole, on the other hand, is foaming at the mouth a little and decides to go talk to Patricia. She finds her and says, "Somebody came up to me and said that Natasha and you are holding a cocktail party? And only guys are invited!" Way to be subtle. Patricia busts out laughing and says it "hasn't been confirmed yet." "You guys are going to get a reaction out of it," says Nicole. "What kind of reaction?" says Patricia. And here's when neither of them say anything for a few moments and perform this really prolonged drama with their facial expressions: Patricia is all, "I'm going to keep smiling sweetly like I don't know what you're talking about," and Nicole stares incredulously like, "You don't know what I'm talking about?" and then Patricia lets her smile slip just a little, like, "Of course I know what you're talking about, and you know I do, and I know you know I do, but I'm going to smile sweetly again and what are you going to do about it, dumb-ass?" And then Nicole's eyes widen all, "Huh? What did you -- huh? Whuh?" And then Patricia smiles sweetly. "What kind of reaction?" says Patricia again. "You're just going to get a…reaction!" repeats Nicole. Patricia says in an interview (which is shot ambiguously enough to make it look like she's speaking directly to Nicole), "We're adults now, we're not sixteen -- who gives a damn if you're not invited to a party?" Um, the uninvited people who have to stay in the house and aren't allowed to go anywhere else while the party is going on? They might give a damn.
We see Ben and Maya out on their date. They appear to be having an intelligent conversation. This, of course, gives me nothing to work with.
Back at the house, Nicole is still bugging her eyes out in disbelief at Patricia, who calls Natasha in. "Remember when we were talking about Martini Monday?" says Patricia. "Yeah?" says Natasha. "Did you tell anybody?" Natasha nods. "Apparently it's causing some drama in the household," says Patricia. Natasha's face explodes into cartoon bewilderment. Little question marks and exclamation points circle her head. Her eyes pop out on springs. You can hear the hinges of her jaw as it drops open: "Really?" Nicole tries to explain the problem: "If you come up to people? And you're like, 'We're going to have this exclusive party, but you're not invited'?" Does she understand that Natasha and Patricia understand? Nicole doesn't understand that it's possible to understand without giving a shit. "I didn't think people would be hurt," says Natasha. "I thought that I would, like, eliminate the hurt even more by telling people up front." Nicole gives Natasha a look as if to say, "You don't understand?" Yeah, Nicole doesn't understand. She'll never understand. Burberry scarves have no powers of comprehension. A little later, Natasha is telling Patricia that the party is "a silly idea that everyone can't take." Patricia says that just because someone's upset they're not invited it's not going to force her to change her plans. "Fuck it!" whines Natasha. "Like, I don't want to do it…this sucks." Patricia looks at her quizzically: What are those? Emotions?
Still on their date, Summer and Dan hit the dance floor at the bar. Note that The Ironic Law Of Nightclub Dancing is in effect here: the more fun you're having, the dorkier you look. There are a few other people on the dance floor, and here KK and JS and LT and I started talking about how, if we were on this date and this was our one chance out of the house, we'd be trying to talk to as many non-classmate people as we could. I know I'd talk to as many strangers as I could, and then I'd borrow their cell phones and dial up even more strangers, just to hear some different fucking voices. Maya and Ben join Summer and Dan at the club. Since Maya is a professional dancer, she knows how to cheat The Ironic Law. Summer continues to bop around and squeals "aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyiiiii!" Wow! More enthusiasm than you can shake a stick at. More than you can twirl a baton at if you were a majorette on crack.
Back at the house: more drinking. Who needs Hall Passhes? We got drinksh! Here'sh to Mike Fleissh! Natasha and JockDan are waiting around for Summer and Dan B.'s date to end. "They've been gone for like, six hours," says JockDan. Yet more shots of Natasha looking distressed. They had to have kept her around an extra day just to shoot all this Worry Footage. She voices over that she thinks Summer can get pretty wild, especially when she's been drinking. "I like Dan a lot, and I feel a little threatened," Natasha says. She finally goes upstairs and falls into a pouty sleep.
The Hall Pass people return. Ben and Maya have a swell time, because they're swell people, and yadda yadda whatever. Summer and Dan B. hug in the living room. "Dan is very flirtatious," says Summer, "but I have a boyfriend at home that I love a lot and I wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardize that." I'll give Summer ten bucks if she says that within earshot of Natasha. Twenty bucks. Dan B. voices over that he really digs Natasha, and "I would never disrespect her by trying something with Summer." He walks into Natasha's room and wakes her up, and then lies there smirking while Natasha coos about how she missed him. "Dan came up and told me he really liked me!" she says in voice-over. The way Natasha says "Me!" is echoing in my ears. "Me!" "Me!" "Me!"
The day, Patricia, Natasha, and Maya are walking around the house leaving envelopes and little flowers on the guys' pillows. "We’re throwing a cocktail party tonight, and we're inviting the boys!" says Natasha, in an interview. Oh great, a new annoying echo: "The boys!" "The boys!" "The boys!" "Me!" "The boys!" It's like The Aspiring Actress Dance Mix in my head, courtesy of DJ Nastypants. Sarah says that this whole business of inviting just the guys seems very childish to her. Maya is interviewed saying that she came up with a compromise: "Why don't we have a fashionably late party for the girls!" The idea is that the girls can come, but a half hour later. We see envelopes being placed on Holly's and Amy's and Sarah's beds. Okay, so the guys are invited to a "compliment party," and the women are invited to a "fashionably late party" -- now, who's invited to the "awkward small talk party"? Or the "waiting to use the bathroom party"? Or the "pass out at 11:30 party"? This is such an existential social scene. "Ooh, 9:30 this evening -- sounds like fun!" says Summer sarcastically as she opens her invitation. "Whatever," says Nicole.
We're reminded once again that this Rumor Mill game is supposed to be played sometime this episode. Once again, we see classmates writing out questions. We see that Summer wrote the spanking question to Dave. In an interview, JockDan says that the game is exciting, because everyone's wondering what the rumors are going to be. "What's everyone going to say about me?" he says. "I don't want to be embarrassed." Dude, then you might want to reconsider that blue visor you're wearing. Amy writes a question to Ben asking him if he's really a millionaire. Jeff wants to know if Maya got caught doing it in the Denny's parking lot. JockDan heard that Dan Barbato had gotten drunk and kissed a guy in college and wants to know if it's true or not. If it is, the guy gets points for experimentation. Maya wants to know, "Dave, is it true in high school you used to drink at parties in order to be accepted?" What? Dave didn't get high on life? Well, too bad for him. Come on, let's go over to my house and make pizza and our own fun!
It's time for the Rumor Mill game. Mike Richards explains that some of the classmates will be called up to sit in a chair and answer the questions about them. Jeff is first in the "hot seat." Right off he says, "I was young and I needed the money." He'll be saying something like that about this show in about twenty years: he was young and he needed the trip to Hawaii. Mike Richards asks Jeff if it's true he's never dated -- ever. Everyone laughs. He says it's not true. "Why would someone say that?" asks Mike Richards. "The chicks don't dig me," he says. Clearly it's a whole Jeff Don't Get No Respect From The Ladies routine, and he launches into it while everyone else cracks up. In an interview, he confesses that he lost his virginity to a foreign exchange student. Didn't something like that happen in Better Off Dead? Somehow I get the idea that there's a John Cusack movie for every Jeff coming-of-age moment.
Holly's on the "hot seat" and has to answer whether it's true that she was a virgin when she graduated from high school. "Yes, it is -- very true," she says. Everyone claps. What, for her virginity? Do they think she's Jessica Simpson or something? Whatever. it's Dan B.'s turn. The question is: "Is it true that you've fallen head over heels for Natasha on this trip?" Everyone "oooohs." Barbato says that he wouldn't use the term "head over heels," but he's had a fantastic time with Natasha. Natasha giggles that she's had a fantastic time, too. The rumor is that he kissed Summer on her Hall Pass date. "That is absolutely not true," says Dan B. "Why would somebody start a rumor like that?" says Mike Richards, with his best guidance-counselor indignant tone. "Somebody's trying to get something going on…somebody's shoveling some dirt," says Dan B. The camera focuses on Nicole. Now Nicole's very authoritative take on the whole situation is that "Dan's more into Natasha than Natasha's into Dan." She is continuing her very important research in Dan-ology.
Last to take the "hot seat" is Ben. Mike Richards reads the question: "Are you really a millionaire?" Cut to Ben rubbing his chin thoughtfully. Cut to the other classmates watching Ben rubbing his chin thoughtfully. Cut to Maya sitting among the other classmates and watching on her own while the other classmates continue to collectively watch Ben rub his chin thoughtfully. Cut to the part of Ben rubbing his chin thoughtfully that we initially missed while watching the footage of Maya singled out watching among the rest of the classmates, who, as a whole, watch Ben rub his chin thoughtfully. The techno music builds up. Have we seen the same two-second moment from fifteen different angles yet? You know? That moment? When Ben was rubbing his chin thoughtfully? Have we? Yes? YES? "Yes, I really am a millionaire," says Ben. Everyone applauds. Ben gives a "right on" hand signal while rolling his eyes a little. Maya says it's attractive how humble Ben is about his millionaire status. Natasha says in an interview, "Wow, Ben's a millionaire -- I should pay more attention, try to grab hold of him or something." She's kidding. At least, we think she's kidding. It's hard to tell. Let's hope she's kidding, but using her acting skills to make it seem like she's serious.
Later on, Holly calls out to Summer, "There's something big on your bed." You know, if someone told me that, I would never in a thousand years think that would be a good thing, but in Summer's case it is -- it's a present from the same secret admirer who left her a note the night before. It's a big, blank handmade book. Holly brings it into the kitchen and reads aloud the note that came with it: "This book has empty pages / your art and thoughts could fill it / hope and dreams could make it thick / love and dreams complete it." Aww. That's sweet. Especially the "make it thick" part. Nobody knows who the secret admirer is. "Summer thinks that Tim or Maurice gave her the note, because those are the only two guys who haven't gotten Hall Passes yet…but then we remembered that Chris Eads also hasn't been given a Hall Pass yet." Yeah, it's hard to remember that Chris Eads is even around.
Natasha, Patricia, and Maya get ready for the cocktail party. They line up liquor on the dresser and light candles. "It's all about ambience," Patricia explains, arranging some flowers. Ooh, their room looks nice, like you almost forget that just outside the door there's the rest of the beach house, and the patio, and the swimming pools, and, um, ALL OF HAWAII. "We're curious to see who's going to come, and what kind of compliments they're going to bring for us, and what's going to transpire," says Patricia. "Curious"? How much speculation could you possibly need for a party where you've invited only NINE people and you've TOLD THEM WHAT TO SAY? Dan Barbato and JockDan sit around talking about which compliments they'll give. How sad is it that they actually have to think about this? Dan B. says his first compliment will be, "You look so good I'd like to put you on a plate and sop you up with a biscuit!" Well, that explains a lot about Dan Barbato. Amy walks by the living room, and the guys ask her if she's coming to the party. "We're not invited," she says matter-of-factly. The guys begin to arrive at the party shirtless and wearing beach towels, and Natasha, Patricia, and Maya put flower leis on them. The girls coo excessively and act like they haven't seen these guys nonstop for the last eight days.
JockDan's compliment to Maya is, "That smile is knocking me down." Jason, on the other hand, can only come up with "you look very nice." Ben takes the cake by telling Maya, "You are so beautiful that I understand every reason why you were Homecoming Queen."
KK: Whoa, BEN has man boobs, too.
JS: No, those are pecs. Oh…wait. He DOES! Ohhh!
LT: I think it's okay if he has man boobs.
Wendola: We are such man-boob hypocrites.
KK: It's not the boobs, it's the man.
The drinks are mixed; glasses are raised; the girls giggle and hover around the guys like Tonkinese hookers. The party gets even more exciting when the camera people do that quick zoom-in-and-out action: Martini glass! Up close! Far away! Up close again! Whoa! So nothing's happening? We thought so. Close-up on Natasha pouring some vodka in a martini shaker.
LT: They make such a big deal and then they serve Smirnoff?
JS: If this was a FOX show they'd have Absolut.
LT: If this was on ABC they'd have Ketel One.
JS: What about HBO?
LT: Oh, HBO would be Belvidere.
JS: Ooh, good call.
After awhile Natasha starts asking, "Do you think the girls aren't going to come? Do you think they're protesting the party?" She thinks they're "lame" for not coming. Downstairs, Summer, Holly, and Chris sit around in the kitchen while Nicole bitches about how Patricia and Natasha knew the party would "cause some drama." Sarah's walking around the kitchen. Amy's vanished, having retreated back to the quiet, sane alternate universe in which she exists. Chris, the only guy who refused to go to the party, said the cocktail party idea "seemed to be a ploy to divide the 'in crowd' from the 'out crowd.'" Back upstairs, Natasha is griping that since the party is just upstairs, "it's not like we're asking anyone to take a taxi." No, you're just asking them to leave the comfort of THE REST OF THE HUGE FUCKING HOUSE. Maybe they can't even find the party, what with THAT HUGE FUCKING HOUSE WITH ABOUT TWENTY SWIMMING POOLS. Natasha says that the others are "lame" about a dozen more times. Why do they not come and worship Patrashamaya, The Three-Headed Goddess Of Compliments? The three go downstairs, and Natasha whines at the non-partygoers (and Tim, who seems to have ditched out early) to come upstairs for awhile. I'll give twenty bucks to anyone who asks Natasha for directions and a map.
Everyone goes upstairs. Nicole says, "I'm not going to stay." Natasha asks Summer, "Did you get an invitation?" Summer says something like, "Oh, I forgot what time the party was at." I might give her ten bucks for saying that. Nicole just stands there on the balcony looking sulky, and Maurice asks her if she's having a martini. "No," she says loudly. "I'm having issues here." Screw that -- I would have poured myself as many drinks as I could spill. In an interview, Patricia chimes in again with her Social Determinism theory that it's the "outgoing people" who are having a good time, and the shy, "not as popular, maybe less personable" people deserve their misery, and therefore don't merit any screen time beyond heavily edited sequences of them slouching around and lying dejectedly on beds and mopily trimming their leg hair. Or something like that. In an interview, Summer says that it was either naïve on Natasha and Patricia's part to exclude people from the party, or else they knew what would happen and didn't care. "Either way -- neither of those are all that cool," she says. "I think there's going to be a division because of that." Slow-motion footage of Natasha looking in Summer's direction: Bitch, step off. Slo-mo of Summer looking slowly back in Natasha's direction: Bitch said what?