Note: I apologize for the lack of viewer commentary from JS, LT, and KK, due to the fact that we watched this on Sunday night in a bar near Oak Park where a dozen people from the High School Reunion cast were also in attendance, and somehow it just didn't seem like the ideal environment for shouting "Shut up, Nasnatcha!" at the TV.
Opening credits, with the cheesiest theme song ever. Look how far Natasha's come! Oh yeah, Ben's not turning back! Look at what Jason's done! Holly's not explaining! The way Dan B. and Dave used to be tonight! But now Patricia's got the chance to make Maurice right! Do or die! Chris can't take it back! Fear not, Summer! 'Cause here's Amy's chance to! Relive what Tim's been missing! The days Jeff was in high school! Can Nicole remember? Then come on, Sarah! Look how far Maya's come! Hold on, Dan P.! Okay, those aren't quite the lyrics.
It's morning of Day Five. Natasha jogs along the beach. Or maybe she's desperately racing around trying to find where they planted the night vision camera from last week's episode. At the house, Tim, Jason, Amy, and the other classmates are in the kitchen plotting something. "This is going to freak her out," says someone. Nicole explains in an interview: "We knew Holly had posed for Playboy, so somebody was going to walk into her room completely butt-naked and serve her breakfast." Jason and Tim walk upstairs with plates of fruit and find the door to Holly and Summer's room. Tim pulls off his bike shorts and walks in behind Jason bare-ass naked. Dear God. I don't think Tim had even hit puberty the last time I saw him in 1989. Uh, well, evidently he did. Jeez, Tim, did they keep you in the basement since '89, too? By now most of the other classmates have gathered outside the door and they're cracking their shit up, and Tim is walking towards Holly's bed, calling, "Fire!" Holly peeks out to see him holding a plate of food right over his wonderfulness. Tim explains that it's in honor of her Playboy appearance. Holly hides her head under the covers. What? She doesn't like the fruit? The mini-muffins? There are two, you know.
In an interview, Holly explains that people probably remember her in high school as being very formal, and determined, and conservative in her views. See? She had to pose in Playboy in order to be understood. Wait, what did her picture in Playboy look like again? Can you show it maybe a third time now? Thanks. Wow, you can really see her expression of dawning self-actualization there. Also her ass. "Looking back, I have no regrets about having done the Playboy Big Ten issue," she says. She says that her classmates were probably "shocked" when they saw her picture. In an interview, Jeff says -- like, with shock, I guess -- "She's hot!" Dave is interviewed saying that Holly is "the quiet wild girl." Natasha asks Dave who he likes. "Dave's got a crush on one of the girls!" she says, all sing-songy. God, she's regressing. Didn't she talk more like a grown, educated woman on Day One? Now it sounds like she collects unicorn stickers. Dave confesses that if he were to get a Hall Pass, he'd ask out Holly. "Whether or not I can bring out some sort of wildness in her…I'm going to try," he says. Because it's all about Holly's self-improvement.
Ben, Natasha, and Sarah are on the beach, talking about how Ben looks totally different. We see Ben's old photos again and see a baby-faced kid with a sort of bewildered expression look on his face. His big eyes seem to be saying, Pinewood Derby is cool! No, wait: girls are cool! No, wait… "I gave up on having game a long time ago," he says, so he decided to be a Nice Guy instead. "Ben is a nice guy," says Patricia. "Thank you, but nice guys finish last," says Ben. Oh, poor tall, white, wealthy twenty-something male with the chiseled features. In an interview, Natasha says that "Ben's cool" and she would have liked to have spent more time with him, "but it seemed like he was really nervous around me." Cut to a shot of Ben lying near Natasha on the beach with his baseball cap over his face, which to me doesn't say "nervous" so much as it does "trying to block out sun and sing-songy Natasha blather." Dan B. adds that Ben "was not very socially involved," and "looked like a little kid in his yearbook pictures." Now Ben wants respect! The respect that his manly cheekbones deserve!
The classmates are sitting outside playing cards when Jeff notices something across the patio. What made him look up? Did he catch a glimpse of the Plot Contrivance Elves scurrying about, or what? At any rate, they left two sets of boxing gloves, boxing headgear, and some mouthguards. The guys are very excited and clown around with the gloves and headgear. Dave puts headgear on and lets Sarah sock him in the head repeatedly. Bop! "Oof!" Bop! "Oof!" Bop! "Oof!" I think I would enjoy watching a continuous loop of that clip for about three hours. Ben explains in an interview that some the guys wanted to throw some punches, release some aggression, and act on subconscious gay impulses in a socially acceptable masculine context. Well, he maybe didn't say all of those things. "We've got to find out who's got a grudge against who," says Jason. It should be noted that the first time I watched this, I misheard Jason and thought he said "crush on" instead of "grudge against," and -- well, it still made perfect sense. But it's not a Hall Pass; it's a Kick Ass Pass. Ooh, Ben's going on it with Dave! Ben and Daaaaaavve.
Ben says that he couldn't stand Dave in high school. "If I'd met him in a dark alley, I would have taken a swing at him," he says. He says that they were on the golf team together, and "one time in the van, he just turned around and [sic] spit on me." Oh, lighten up, Ben -- that was just a little harmless GOLF rough play. Dan B. says that "Ben's a pretty docile guy, but put some headgear and some gloves on him and I think he's ready to roll." There's a makeshift boxing ring set up in the yard behind the house. "Thith is going to be thome funny [expletive deleted], lemme thell you that now," says Dave through his mouthguard. Expletive deleted because you can't say "thit" on television.
Jason plays referee; he knows what to say and everything. Patricia hits some dumb island gong thingy, and the fight begins. Ben totally whales on Dave, but Dave is really quick. The rest of the classmates watch, fascinated. Maybe slightly turned on. It's okay, people: violence is hot! Ben hits Dave near the back of the head, and Jason has to step in. In an interview, Ben says Dave's "a pretty intense guy." "I was definitely a little more upset there, and I wasn't going to take it out on myself," says Dave. "The eye of the tiger!" shouts Dan Barbato from ringside. That's right, Dan! It's the cream of the fight, too! What the hell does that shit mean, anyway? Finally, Dave takes a huge swing that somehow hits Ben through the ropes and out of the ring. Or something. I mean, there's this swing that makes contact with Ben's head, and then there's this shot of him falling through the ropes, but I swear, even with the slow-motion feature on my TiVo, I can't tell you how this happened. It's like Ben gets sucked out through the ropes or something. It's weird. Ominous music plays. What, it's over? Oh, fuck this shit. Where's Mr. T?
After the commercials, they show what happened in real time, and although the camera angle makes it look like Dave could have hit Ben out of the ring, it also sort of looks as if Ben just decided, "Holy shit, I'm done!" and dove out. Still, they treat it as a T.K.O. and declare Dave the winner. In an interview, JockDan says he hadn't thought Ben could "hold a candle" to Dave, but it took a lot of guts to get into the ring. Dave calls over to Ben. "Ben, I don't know what that was about," he says, "but thank you." See, I think he's talking about Ben leaping out of the ring, but the whole scene is edited so that it seems like Dave is thanking Ben for allowing him this soul-challenging violent enactment of the hostility of his own psyche or something. Oh, whatever. Ben says in voice-over that he's a little less concerned about outcomes. "I think I've earned Dave's respect," he says. Dave and Ben high-five each other, and the classmates cheer. In an interview, Maya says, "Ben's come a long way and I think he's getting in his groove." "Maybe Ben did have a grudge against me," says Dave, "but it's nice to be able to get into the ring with him and in good fun." There are good feelings all around. Shiny happy manly feelings.
Patricia tells us she heard that Hall Passes had been distributed that morning! No shit! Really? Well, who else knows? Everyone? Oh. Even the show's producers? Yeah? Oh. And this is gossip? You suck, Patricia. It turns out that Jeff and Holly got the Hall Passes. Jeff confesses in an interview that he'd probably have the best time with Patricia. He's shown getting dressed; he says he wants to "class it up" for the occasion. "I hope Patricia says yes…because she's really the one that I probably never knew and I'd get to know now…she's cool as hell." He's wearing a shirt and tie, and explains that it's because "it's probably fifty-fifty whether or not she says yes, so I figured this would make it maybe sixty-forty." He walks down to the living room; everyone's all, "Woooo…" Patricia's at the kitchen counter, and he goes up and says, "I was hoping that maybe, um, if you're interested, you will, um" -- he reads the Hall Pass -- "go on a hike through the rainforest to a tropical oasis, and maybe dress for a hike, but don't forget our swimsuits?" Patricia gives him a funny look. In an interview, he says, "If she doesn't say yes, I'll probably just bury myself in, like, ten bottles, and pass out by noon." Self-deprecation is like some kind of Jedi power with Jeff. Finally Patricia says she'd love to go. Everyone applauds. "All right," says Jeff. "You want to make breakfast for me or something?" Everyone laughs. Heh. That's funny. Patricia tells him to go get ready. Jeff does a victory lap around the living room and high-fives everyone. Heh. That's enough.
Holly has decided to pick names out of a hat for her Hall Pass. "Fate brought me to Hawaii; let fate choose my companion," she says. Actually, Holly, boobs brought you to Hawaii, so let those…oh, never mind. Dave says he's not going to let the hat-pick happen. "I'm going to see to it somehow that I get taken on her date," he says. He gets dressed up, too, and gets a flower to present to Holly, and gets ready to make a big entrance to the living room a la Jeff. "I don't think Dave was copy-catting me," says Jeff. "I think he saw that it worked, and I'm probably going to get hot with Patricia, [note: he's kidding] and he was thinking the same thing." Dave walks up to Holly and starts making the same speech that Jeff made. Everyone's like, "The hell?" including Holly, but she says yes. More applause. It's like they're all some kind of support group for the dating-impaired. They sit together on the couch. Holly says she's sort of embarrassed. Dave says he's embarrassed and all sweaty from being nervous. "I think I've got to go upstairs and be by myself for awhile," he says. I think he wants you to think exactly what you think that means. Patricia says that Dave really likes Holly and was "very, very impressed by the whole Playboy scenario." "I think he is very excited to go on a date with a Playboy model," says Patricia. I admire how she can keep a completely sweet face as she says that.
Holly and Dave and Patricia and Jeff get into The Minivan Of Exotic Escape and ride out to some tropical forest locale. Dave leans over Patricia's shoulder, and Jeff makes that "back off my woman, ass!" remark that we heard in the previews. They go hiking through the rainforest. The date's all about Holly and Dave. Patricia is just there to inform us that "I think Dave's really attracted to Holly, and I think Holly finds Dave very entertaining." And Jeff's pretty much around just for more one-liners like, "I'm going to be the meat in their sandwich of love!" Patricia and Jeff: the power couple of reality-show narrative. Holly and Dave hike their way to loooove. There's pretty scenery. Oh, and another rainbow! Presumably not a gay rainbow. You can't get more hetero than a date with a Playboy model.
Back at the house, Ben and Maya are hanging out. In an interview, she says, "You know, I think a lot of people think Ben's made this huge transition, but I feel like he was the same person in high school, and people didn't really know that. They just didn't give him the chance." I think that's the first completely non-bullshit observation that's been made on this show. Meanwhile, on the Hall Pass date, the two couples make it to a big waterfall. Dave and Jeff jump off a ledge to a pool below the falls. Patricia jumps in, too, but Holly says she doesn't want to; she has that handy Shy Girl stereotype and all that. "Holly didn't jump off the cliff because I think she was nervous about her top coming off," says Patricia, and it's all she can do to keep from adding, "Maybe, you know, she would have been more comfortable if Hugh Hefner had been there with his checkbook." "God help whoever can take her top off," says Dave. "Because she's hiding some fun under there!" He snickers. Aww, I'm glad he's still a little bit of a shitpig. Oh, and just for fun, count the number of times the shots of Holly start with her chest and pan up to her face.
Do I even have to talk about how Patricia and Jeff get along? Patricia says about Jeff, "I think that we can definitely be friends." Because nobody scores with the Gossip Cyborg. "I'm always gonna keep Patricia in the rotation," says Jeff. "I'm going to make it through all [the women] by the time this is done."
There's a sunset, which can only mean one thing: Dan and Natasha. Well, I guess that's two things. Or four, if you count the man boobs. Actually, there are too many creepy things to count when it comes to Dan and Natasha. They walk on the beach. Dan wants a kiss. Natasha won't kiss. Oh no she won't oh okay yes she will but just a little kiss tee hee hee! They talk very loudly and purposefully about how they hardly ever talked in high school at all; no, no, not even a little; well, okay, a little, but it's not like they were in the same clique. Oh, wait: yes they were. Well, sort of. Maybe. They look at each other in wonder. How could they have basked in the same glow of self-entitlement and not noticed each other until now? Wow. "I haven't decided what I'm going to tell my boyfriend about the reunion," Natasha says in voice-over. Uh, yeah. Hey! Tell him that it was an Amish high school reunion! Yeah! And that you're Amish! And since you can't watch TV, you threw his out.
Day Six. Host Mike Richards walks into the house. Oh, no -- why's he here again? I'm really confused about his role on the show. I think if he'd been at OPRF, he would've been a driver's ed teacher. He's exactly the kind of guy who would have insisted that you take the stupid driving simulators seriously. Those guys were such dicks. Everyone in the house is still sleeping, but Mike Richards goes up to the gong and prepares to bang it. "I hate to do this, I really do," he smirks. No you don't, tool. You hate it like you hated stomping that little passenger-side brake all the time. Screech! Ha ha! Ass. He bangs the gong. Everyone gets up reluctantly and gathers outside on the patio. Mike Richards tells them they're going to split up into two groups, a guys' group and a girls' group. Natasha squeals in excitement at this news. Like, maybe she thinks they're going to get one of those You're Almost A Woman Now talks. It turns out that the girls are going snorkeling and the guys are going deep-sea fishing. Everyone runs up to their rooms to get ready. There's an exceptionally cheesy video sequence in which the women are shown getting ready. They put on bikinis; they rub on suntan lotion! They pull little t-shirts on! They pull them up! And then down again! Play the video backwards and forwards! Hot Snorkeling Babes III on VHS! Order now!
Out on the boat, the women sit around talking about the guys. "It wasn't a good day for Jason," explains Maya in an interview. "It got out that there were two, maybe three girls that he tried to kiss already." Cut to the girls talking and discovering that the number of them who've been macked on by Jason is actually more like four or five. Patricia confesses, "It made me feel that our date wasn't as sincere as he made it to be." Oh my God, like, he would have done a handstand off a pole for anyone? The girls snipe about how he looks better when he keeps his mouth shut, and he tries to act too much like a stud. "I thought that maybe Jason and I would have a chance," says a disgusted Patricia. Oh, bullshit. But I guess bullshit is technically gossip, too.
Over on the fishing boat, Dave throws water on Jeff; guys hoot; Tim, Dave, and Jeff moon the camera. Aaarrr! It's Man Boat! In an interview, Jeff says that they decided that whoever catches the biggest fish would get Maya. "Why not -- she's new, she's still prize status…the other girls are a little worn out." I really hate to say it, but Jeff could probably recite entire passages from Mein Kampf and still sound charming and not at all offensive. The guys all fish, and eventually, Ben hooks a big marlin on his line. That reminds me -- did you know that Ernest Hemingway went to OPRF? Ass. Anyway. Chris confesses that once they hooked a fish, "the testosterone level was pumping pretty high." Ben sits with the pole between his legs, yanking and pulling, and all the guys are grunting, and Ben's sweating, and Dave's toweling him off. There's more virility than you can shake the biggest stick in the world at. "Work it, man!" shouts Maurice, standing steadfastly behind him. "You can do it!" calls Dan Barbato, standing at his side. "Pussy," mutters Ernest Hemingway from beyond the grave. Finally Ben manages to reel in the marlin. All the guys are impressed. Ben's The Dork Man Of The Sea experience wins everyone's respect. "Ben's a stud," says Dave. "Faggots," says Hemingway. "All of 'em."
The Chick Cruise returns to shore, and the women classmates walk back to the house. Summer returns to her room and finds an envelope on her bed. "Open it!" says Holly. It's a plain white card that says, "Of all the seasons of the year, my favorite is Summer…" You know, when you really think about it, the note isn't really saying all that much. I mean, pretty much all you can say in response is, "Uh…yeah. Dig that crazy CALENDAR." ["Plus, how many times must she have heard variations on that creaky line by this point in her life?" -- Sars] But Holly and Natasha start squealing that Summer's got a love note, and Summer says that it looks like Maurice's handwriting. Or Tim's. "But neither of them would do that," she says. Maya says she hopes it's not a joke. "I've got a feeling I'm going to be really really freaked out. We'll see," says Summer.
Hooting and cheering, the guys bring in the dead marlin. Assorted reaction shots from the girls: Ooh! It's so big! So long! Nicole looks like she maybe wants to date it. The guys have a great time flinging the fish on the floor and hearing it thud. Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day; give a bunch of men a really huge fucking fish and they'll be annoying for at least three hours. Now it's time for the women to be impressed with Ben. They want to see Ben's blistered hands. Cut to various interview clips from the girls. Natasha: "Ooh! Ben!" Amy: "Ahh! Ben!" Maya: "Wow, Ben."
Dan Barbato is trolling around the upstairs of the house -- oh, I mean, "strolling" -- when he comes across a Hall Pass on Dave's bed. He brings it down to Dave, who's up to his elbows in fish. I won't make a crude joke here if Dave won't, okay? Good. Dave knows right away that he'll ask Holly. He goes into her room and asks her. Holly says she'll go if he takes ten million showers to get the fish guts off. Ooh, good call, Holly. I'd have started with telling him to take off the mirrored sunglasses and stupid hat that he's wearing indoors at night, but maybe he'll remember to take those off when he showers anyway. Dave goes down the hall and brags to Dan Barbato, who's wearing only a towel. Look, I know you people really dig the "Man Boobatos" nickname, but to be honest, I have nothing against a guy with a nice rack. In fact, I think that whenever Dan is filmed, the camera should linger on them and then pan up to his face, just like in all of Holly's bikini shots. I think it's only fair to the ladies.
In the kitchen, Patricia and JockDan and the other classmates are asking Ben if he's got something going on with Maya. Oh, God -- they're not quitting with this whole Ben Becomes A Man subplot, are they? Let's review: boxing; shy flirting with Maya; catching huge fish; more Maya; running of the bulls; Maya; wounded in combat in Italy; Maya. God. He and Maya sit out in the yard and talk. Like Natasha, Maya asks him what the hell he even did in high school, but somehow manages not to be patronizing. And then Ben and Maya wind up together in the hammock. Aww. And then thugs with big knives rush up from the beach and Ben disarms them and wrestles them to the ground. And then everyone is super-impressed.
Holly and Dave leave for their date. "I just want to take the proper steps to make sure that she knows the way I'm thinking about her," says Dave. In this interview, he's wearing a robe. Well, that's a step. They're shown in the minivan on the way to their date, and Holly says in voice-over that she did not know Dave in high school. We know. You weren't in the same class, Holly. You were in some kooky oblivious Shy Girl trance, and only the flash of a Playboy photographer's camera could make you snap out of it. We KNOW. Holly admits that she thinks Dave is kind of funny. They get out of the car, and they're walking down the hallway of some resort spa. Like, it's called "Resort Spa." "Why are we here?" says Holly. "We're going to give each other massages," says Dave. Oh. Of course. A casual, first-solo-date massage. Because Playboy models don't need to chat over coffee like real people do.
Back at the house, all the classmates without plots start completely dicking around and roughhousing. Natasha and someone else hold Jeff by the legs while Sarah pokes him. "This house is, like, so high school," says Chris in an interview. Jeff yells, "DO YOU EVER SHUT THE HELL UP?" at Sarah, and Sarah chases him down the stairs. Uh, guys? Jeff pulls Sarah into the pool with him. Chris holds Summer down and tickles her. Maya laughs hysterically. Summer and Patricia pummel Chris with pillows. Excuse me, guys? Dan Barbato streaks on the beach. Summer grabs his clothes. JockDan grabs Summer, and she screeches. There's shrieking! Squealing! Chasing! Grab-assing! There's -- okay, people? Is this the Hawaiian Pure Cane Sugar product placement part of the show? Like are you eating that shit raw?
Holly and Dave go into The Cabana o' Creepy Massage. "We were both really nervous," says Holly. Holly lies down on the table with her robe pulled back, and Dan pushes his greasy hand around on her back. Word to the person on the boards who noticed a price tag on the bottom of the massage oil bottle: yep, it's Pier 1, all right. "Resort Spa," my ass. The raunchiest music ever plays. We're talking major Horns Of Tumescence here. When the massage is over, Holly sits up, and Dave apparently gets a peek inside her robe. Ewww. Hey, so can you give me a massage now? No, really -- go ahead. I won't actually have to be there for it, seeing as how I'm so creeped out that I'VE JUST CRAWLED OUT OF MY OWN SKIN.
It's still Hyper School Reunion back at the house. Summer and Patricia are throwing water on each other and flailing around. Sarah is in the hot tub fully clothed, screaming, "Don't get naaaaaaakeeed!!!" at naked Jeff, who jumps in the pool. Barbato is passed out on the couch in just his shorts, snoring loudly, and Tim, Ben, and Summer decide to try to take off his pants. "So that he'd just wake up by himself wondering why he was naked in the living room." Um, would he really wonder at this point? Would anyone? Summer explains, "Ben had his hands under his butt and Tim got the seat of his pants, but I had no idea that Dan didn't even have underwear on!" They get Barbato's pants open and pulled down a little ways, but then they realize, oh my God -- he's all pixilated under there! "At that point, we just lost it, and we just ran away." The rest of the classmates gather around, pointing at sleeping, blurry-dicked Dan.
The remainder of Dave and Holly's date is a night picnic on the beach, because nothing tops off a good oily massage like a bunch of sand. "It was just beautiful," says Holly, who is wearing yet another flower in her hair. I think she must have her own personal Hair Flower Wrangler for this show. Dave and Holly sit under a tent, drinking champagne. "I'm, like, just about cracking a joke. Being funny. Being silly. Keeping it light," says Dave, and yet his intense stare says, love me Playboy lady let me live in your cleavage forever. Holly says in an interview that she's heard about the way he was in high school, and she can see how he might have said hurtful things and been a complete and utter ass-headed dickmonkey son of a bitch on a shitstick. Well, that's approximately what she said. But she says she thinks he's changed: "Underneath, I think he's a really caring guy." He continues to stare intensely: Must bury face in funbags please Mommy please. He tells her she's gorgeous. "Stop staring," Holly says finally. A cheesy song plays: Holly's all that Dave wants! Holly's all that Dave needs! Dave says in a confessional that he'd like her to "be his girl" when they get home. "That's all I can hope for," he says. "The rest is in her hands." Her hands, huh? Well, good for Dave to remember that Holly has a pair of those, too.