Previously on High School Reunion: The first fourteen classmates met up in Maui; Ben went on a date with Natasha; Nicole confessed to having a longtime crush on Dan; Dan and Nicole went on a date; Dan kissed Nicole, Dan caressed Nicole's face, Dan kissed Nicole some more; Nicole told Dan she's really into him; Dan kissed Nicole yet again in slow-motion close-up; KK yelled, "I WANT TO PEEL MY SKIN OFF NOW!" at the TV.
Day Two. It's morning at the Hawaii Hideaway. Waves. Mist. A rainbow.
Wendola: A rainbow! Like a promise from God!
JS: That he'll never make another Dan Barbato.
LT: I want to believe. I do.
Ben is jogging on the beach; Jason's on the treadmill. Everyone else is just waking up. Nicole voice-overs that it's a little awkward this morning, having to be around Dan after their date. "It's strange, it's just like high school again," she says. Dan gazes into his cup of coffee, as if he's thinking, "Coffee, baby, I'm like, so glad I'm drinking you, seriously, coffee, I mean, we're cool, coffee, like, yeah, seriously." Nicole says that "it's so high school that Dan would go out with me, kiss me, and then not even say 'good morning,' you know?"
Natasha's in the bathroom when Patricia comes in, and right away Patricia asks, "If you could pick two people who wanted to hook up, or who are just kind of just hiding it right now, who would you pick?" Is that how gossips ask to borrow the dental floss? The hell? Natasha thinks that a couple of the "boys" want to hook up with Holly. They both wonder who Holly likes, and both think she must dig Dan. Patricia says that a lot of the younger girls at their school probably had a crush on Dan. KK: "No. Wrong. Troll." "He was the jock from Oak Park, real macho," says Patricia, "and now he's done some really interesting things." JS: "Like grow breasts." Natasha agrees with Patricia and says that Dan's "definitely the top choice here for the girls." She has this creepy me want alpha male look in her eyes. They start talking about how Dan and Nicole kissed on their date. "It was just, like, a little kiss," says Natasha. "I wonder if maybe Nicole always wanted to do that," says Patricia. "Did he kiss her back? Do you think that maybe Dan was just feeling 'in the moment' or something?" It's really cool how Patricia woke up fully groomed and apparently doesn't need to brush her teeth, which frees her up for all this expository dialogue. She doesn't even have to pee! When she goes to the bathroom, only gossip comes out!
"I'm not jealous of Dan and Nicole's kiss," Natasha says in an interview. "I don't think it was a really meaningful kiss." Back in the bathroom, she asks Patricia, "So would you hook up with someone?" Patricia acts like that's a unusual question. Well, since it's actually about Patricia, it kind of is.
Some of the other classmates hit the beach. Today Jeff is wearing enormous baggy swim pants, a mask, and a snorkle, and he duck-walks with the flippers. He's trying, people. Trying so hard for your love. Amy's in a bikini. I don’t think science has come up with an SPF high enough for her yet. As Nicole joins them, she voice-overs that she had high expectations coming to the reunion that "Dan could be the one." As she's laying out on her towel, Dan comes up. "He had a one-on-one conversation with me," she says in voice-over. That is, Dan says, "Here. Dude. Listen to this tune," and hands her a portable CD player. It's a Jack Johnson CD. Maybe he recorded a special subliminal track, like a continuous loop of "Dude, chill, seriously, like, be cool, you know, just, seriously, don't get, like, weird, you know?" Nicole babbles stupidly, trying to show her appreciation of the music and the tiny little booger of attention he's flicked in her direction. He's all, "Yeah, whatever." "If I had another hall pass," Nicole says in an interview, "it's really sick, but I'd probably ask him again."
Dan lies back under a beach shade and tucks his thick, hammy arms under his head. Natasha is on the beach lounge to him. Dan asks her if anything's ever said anything weird to her while she's been "getting down." Natasha says, "I've had people propose weird things to do…[for] some of them I've been like, 'Okay!' And some that I've been like, 'No way!'" She must have said "okay" to lying back in that bikini with her legs up so that the camera crew could get a really weird angle on her ass. Nicole watches Dan and Natasha. "I think Natasha is targeting Dan right now," she says in an interview. Natasha continues to sit with Dan and laughs a little laugh, you know, the kind of laugh where your face actually slaps against the knee of your companion and then you have to grab his inner thigh to lift yourself back up. Nicole stares across the beach, blinking stupidly while UV rays of scorn beat down on her.
There are fourteen people in the house. And yet, we are told, there are still empty beds. Who will come and pass out on those?
For starters, Sarah Como, the Bitchy Girl. We see her bitchy yearbook picture, and a few homecoming dance and prom photos. Awww, look at her: she was the Bitch of the Ball. "In high school, I yelled a lot," says Sarah in an interview. "That's how I dealt with my frustrations and my anger. I just had no control." She says that she changed from the way she was in high school to the person she is now after the birth of her son a few years ago. She does look different; she's lost the bitch bangs. For some reason, Sarah doesn't get the cheesy fancy lei-and-tiki-drink welcome that the other classmates had. Instead, she shows up wandering around the outskirts of the Maui estate with a backpack; it's like she had to take a Greyhound bus out to Hawaii or something. She's nervous, and she says in voice-over that she wouldn't want to find out that all six hundred people in her graduating class hated her. Well, gosh, when you're worried about what people think of you, it really helps to appear on a reality show.
Sarah reaches the beach and calls out to Dan. "Are you from Oak Park? I should probably know who you are." Dan gets up and walks over, trying to figure out who she is. "Oh my God, Dan Barbato?" says Sarah. She's scrunching up her eyes and nose the way people do sometimes when they are trying to recognize someone. KK: "Is she trying to SMELL him?" Dan doesn't catch on to who she is until she tells him her last name: "Sarah. Sarah Como." They finally hug. Some of the other classmates show up, and she hugs them, too.
JS: They don't remember her. They so don't remember her.
KK: It's like her name is "Oh! Yeah! HEY!"
Amy recalls in an interview that "Sarah was very 'in your face.' I remember her screaming at some point in high school." KK: "I just remember her crying." Jeff says that Sarah is "loud, in a good way." Sarah sees Chris. "Sarah," she says. "Sarah Como." "Yeah!" says Chris, hugging her. LT: "Nope. Doesn't remember her." Dave puts a friendly arm around her and says that he's made an ass of himself about four hundred times in the last three days, so she shouldn't worry. "Oh, so I won't win the ass contest?" says Sarah. Back in her interview, Sarah says, "The worst thing that could happen during the reunion is if I got into a verbal or physical fight with someone." Like, what does she think people are going to do, swipe her Clicker curler?
On the porch, Sarah tells Dan, Natasha, and Dave about her life. They act interested, but they're also standing just far enough from her that they can shift into emergency let's-ignore-the-dumpy-chick protocol if necessary. She tells them that she's got a son, but she's a single mom, and she jokes that it was "the Immaculate Conception," which of course is the wrong religious reference, but we get the idea: blessed unto the Bitch a child is born.
Ominous music. Shots of empty rooms in the Maui house. Presumably this is meant to indicate that the Hall Pass bogeymen have struck. Jason finds a Hall Pass on his pillow. "Did you do this?" he asks Tim. Tim says no, and reads the Hall Pass over Jason's shoulder. "Dude! You get to go on a boat, man!" says Tim. Dude, a boat! Where it feels like you're floating! Except you really are! This kind of enthusiasm is why we used to let Tim ride in the car with us. Meanwhile, Dan has gotten a Hall Pass for the same thing. Dan walks into the living room and reads aloud the blah blah on the Hall Pass about "hitting the high seas" and seeing "the perfect sunset" for everyone's benefit, and then he struts around with a really stupid straw hat on and his Boobatos hanging out. Cut to Natasha looking intrigued. Cut to Nicole trying to stay poker-faced. "I would definitely want him to ask me right now," she says in an interview. "I know deep down inside he wants me."
JS: Why does "deep down inside" make me think of a wedgie right now?
KK: Because Natasha just turned around in those little COOCHIE SHORTS.
After the commercial, Dan says he's "still thinking" about who he's going to ask out on the Hall Pass date. In an interview, Patricia says, "I asked Natasha: 'Knowing that Dan has kissed someone else, do you really want to go on a date with him?' And she said yes." Patricia also mentions that Natasha has an on-again off-again relationship with someone back home. Well, enough about Patricia. Natasha is still wearing the shorts. She's playing pool in them, which is very distressing.
Wendola: I can see her area. Make it stop.
LT: Make her give those shorts back to Sarah Como's kid. God!
Nicole looks on and notes that "Natasha is putting out her little feelers." LT: "Uh, she's putting out something." Natasha is telling one of the other classmates about Dan and Jason's Hall Passes, and says, "We're going on a boat," and then she's all, "Whoops! Ha ha! I mean, four are going on a boat!" "I'm not friends with her at all," says Nicole, in an interview. Evidently, Natasha and her shorts do not care. "Dan's asking Natasha," says Dave. "I'm sure he's asking Natasha…" says Patricia. Slo-mo footage of Natasha going up the stairs in her Nastypants, practically straining against the fabric with each step. "…and she is going after what she wants." From the looks of it, what she wants is a yeast infection.
Jason is deciding who to ask on the Hall Pass. "I know who I'm going to ask," he tells Maurice. He walks across the living room and asks Patricia. Everyone is all, "Woooo!" In an interview, he says he just thinks he and Patricia would get along. Patricia says in her interview that she's flattered, and how could she say no? They're indoors, but Jason keeps his mirrored sunglasses on the whole time he's talking to Patricia for some reason. That's a little weird, but maybe he's trying to work the whole Hot Cop Fantasy angle.
Later, Sarah, Jeff, Chris, and Natasha are lying out on the beach. Nicole is on the grass by the beach in a lounge chair. Suddenly -- well, actually, slowly, in excruciating slow motion -- Dan comes jiggling down the path carrying a bouquet of white roses. Where'd he get the roses? Did they have a special trailer on the set just for Player Services? Will the producers provide similar amenities for the rest of the cast? Will they supply crackers for Dave to put in Chris's underwear? I wonder. Anyway, Nicole sits up and watches Dan walk by. "At first I thought he was really just trying to make me jealous," she says in an interview. Oh, no. I mean, oh, no.
Dan makes his way down to the beach and hands the roses to Natasha. "Cruise? Sunset? Drinks?" asks Dan. Seriously. Natasha smiles sweetly and nods. She admits in an interview that the roses made it "much more romantic." Chris complains that since Dan brought roses, it's getting to be a huge production to ask someone on a Hall Pass. "By the time I get my Hall Pass I'm going to have to like, lay out a red carpet, bring up a limo…" Yeah, like, can't a guy just ask a pre-selected girl out on an arranged date on a high-concept reality show anymore? God.
Dan admits that Nicole might be "a little disappointed." "But these things happen naturally," he says, with no irony whatsoever. Patricia: "It's so high school that Dan made out with Nicole and ignored her blah blah blah, but that's how he was in high school blah bibbety blah, and Nicole knew that, blather blah blah, and what makes her think he's changed blah blah." And how are you, Patricia?
Natasha walks back from the beach with the roses and stops by Nicole's lounge chair. She holds out the roses for Nicole to smell. She's all like, Can you smell the Dan? Can you? Nicole, the dumbass, leans up to sniff them. You know that some sick part of her loves it. Sniff the humiliation, Nicole, sniff it! In an interview she complains about how Natasha came up after the fact "and is, like, asking me how I feel about her going on a Hall Pass with Dan, with her roses in my face." Dude, Natasha's had her roses in everyone's face from the moment SHE PUT THOSE SHORTS ON.
Jeff and Maurice are hunting around in one of the bedrooms. "There he goes," says Jeff, pointing to the corner. "Wait, he's right by my feet!" says Maurice. "He's under this bed," says Jeff. "There he goes!" Maurice jumps over to the closet and looks inside. "Come here, buddy," says Jeff. "Whoa, there he goes!" Finally the camera catches a little brown mouse running down the hallway. JS: "Ohhh! I thought they were looking for Tim Gittings." Amy and Chris and Nicole come in to see what's happening. "HE'S IN THE SHOE!" yells Maurice, throwing a shoe out of the closet. He's kidding. Nicole screams and then gets upset. She thought that mouse was serious about her. She's dumb.
"Somebody's coming!" Dan yells. Everyone starts hurrying out of the house to see who it is. The person hasn't even made over the lawn yet, and everyone seems to know it's the newest classmate. Do they all have some weird Huskie radar? "It's a girl," says Natasha, with her alpha female sense of detection.
The new girl is Maya Pingle, the Homecoming Queen. "In high school, I was Homecoming Queen," she says in voice-over. They show a photo of her wearing her white graduation dress and carrying a dozen red roses.
KK: Hey, that photo's not from Homecoming.
Wendola: We all had to wear those stupid white dresses and carry roses.
LT: Wow! So I was Homecoming Queen, too?
JS: Oh my God! So was I!
Wendola: Holy shit! Me, too!
Anyway, back to Maya. "In high school, I was Homecoming Queen," she says. "I was Student Council president. I was part of yearbook and tons of activities." There are photos of her on the yearbook staff; riding horseback; ballet dancing; Spirit Club; fencing; playing harpsichord; carving ice sculptures; learning Esperanto; going to space camp; raising llamas. "I wouldn't say that I was necessarily part of the popular clique, but a lot of them were good friends of mine," she says. Uh, yeah, what she said. From what little I remember of her, at least. She doesn't look that different, except she sort of has J.Lo hair now. As she approaches the house, she squeals, "I see Miss Natasha!" Natasha runs out and hugs her. In an interview, Maya says that she's currently in a relationship but that she's definitely "keeping an open mind." Which sounds like she's going to a New Age seminar instead of on a reality show, but whatever.
Maya sees Dave and hugs him. Dave says in an interview that he was hoping she'd come to the reunion. Dan is interviewed saying that Maya was always interesting: "Like, she dances, she's got a lot of stuff going on." Maya hugs Jeff, who says, "I'm Steve." Heh. Maya greets Ben, and says that his name sounds familiar. Ben: "She's veryattractive." Jeff: "She's a dancer." KK: "We get it already." Sarah: "Sarah. My name's Sarah…Sarah Como."
Patricia says she hasn't had the chance to really talk to Jason and see if he's really as shy as he seems. "Maybe he's different one-on-one. We'll see," she says. Patricia helps Jason pick out clothes for the Hall Pass date. Aww, that's cute. Or else it's sort of creepy. We'll see. Natasha is in the bathroom putting on lipstick. This is, like, the third time in two episodes that they've shown her putting on makeup. Look, she's born with it and it's Maybelline, okay? Get over it. Natasha says, "I don't know what it is that makes me feel so comfortable with Dan." Um, the power trip? "With some people you just feel like you want to get closer to them and be with them," she says. Because you dig the power, babe. "I can't figure out why Natasha's pushing so hard to hook up with Dan when she has a boyfriend waiting at home," says Amy. Because Dan's a freaking POWER TOOL.
Natasha, Dan, Patricia, and Jason board the boat, and the cruise sets sail. Jason and Patricia look out over the water. Jason: "This is wonderful, wonderful! So romantic!" Patricia: "I love it! What more could we ask for?" This is usually the cue for the shark-mangled body to float up. They sit on deck and talk. "I went on a cruise to the Virgin Islands recently," says Jason. "Oh?" says Patricia. "This reminds me of it so much," says Jason. JS: "There was water there too! And a boat!" Patricia says in an interview that during a conversation she realized they had almost nothing in common. "He's a nice guy. He's a simple guy. And I may be a little too complex for his liking." Hello? He was a gymnast. Try getting off your high horse and jumping on his.
Meanwhile, Natasha and Dan are trying to figure out why they were never together in high school. Natasha: "I mean, I dated one of your best friends." Dan: "You know, it's better that we're coming at each other like this, because in high school, I wouldn't have been ready." Natasha: "Wow, we are so good together that we can articulately and even narratively express our feelings for one other." They look at the sunset and marvel at the beauty of the light that shines out of their asses. They start canoodling, and dancing, and Dan starts caressing and even sort of prodding her face. Natasha is interviewed on the boat. "Dan and I are just getting closer and closer…I'm torn about this situation, because I really like Dan, but I have a boyfriend at home." JS: "What, did they wait for Dan to go pee so they could make Natasha talk to the camera?" Natasha: "I'm trying to be good…but it's hard, it's hard here!" The interview must have gone on awhile, because we noticed that during the last part of it the sun got lower and lower. Man, Dan must have been taking a dump if it was that long.
At the house, Nicole is sitting around talking with Sarah about Dan. "God, I had this idea that he was, like, this great guy," says Nicole. Sarah's nodding. "He's different now." It's hard to tell if Sarah is just humoring Nicole or what, but they decide that Dan's "weird." The Sisterhood Of The Oblivious recognizes that weird is one of the more common intimacy problems men experience. Nicole says in an interview that she'd heard Natasha has a serious boyfriend, a live-in boyfriend, and yet, she and Dan have been constantly together since Day Two. Back on the boat, Dan is picking up Natasha and spinning her around; he's nuzzling her, he's licking her ear, there's some scary gyrating going on against the railing of the boat deck, and at one point it looks like they might flip overboard. LT: "Well, Dan could double as a life raft." Natasha says in voice-over that she's really confused about what she wants to do with Dan, since she has her boyfriend at home. "I'm trying to be good; I'm trying to resist, like, kissing." It's true that there is almost no kissing among the frottage and neck-snarfing and dry-humping.
Back at the house, the rest of the classmates are sitting around in the living room, trying to play a game. Ben proposes a drinking game "with about twenty-seven rules." Everyone is assigned a number, and then someone throws out a question and everyone picks the number of the person who is most likely to have done…the…thing in question. And then, I think, the person who was picked gets to drink if they haven't done the…whatever…but if they have, then the person who voted for them drinks, and maybe they drink too? Huh? Why are there numbers? Leave it to money people to take a game like "I Never" and fuck it all up. Everyone's confused, but they decide to try a sample round. Ben's question is, "Most likely to have given or received [head] in an OPRF bathroom." Ew, the bathrooms? I'm glad I knew theatre department people. Ahem. Everyone wants to vote for Dave. "I might have a loud mouth, but I'm not a whore," he says.
On the boat, Jason tries to kiss Patricia. Patricia pulls back. Oh, man. They got the whole thing: the awkward move in, the recoil, the staring off in opposite directions. Natasha and Dan supposedly see it too as they come up the stairs from the lower deck. From the looks of it, it seems like the conversation was starting to lag and Jason decided to try kissing Patricia as soon as her head sort of lolled close enough to his in boredom. "I was surprised Jason tried to kiss me," she said. "I think he thought that maybe if he tried to kiss me it would make things better, but actually, it made it worse." Oh, yeah, nothing like rubbing salt in the gaping wound that was a private, all-expenses paid sunset cruise of the coast of Maui.
Patricia says that Jason didn't interest her. We see footage from the date. He tried to put a grape in her mouth. He performed a handstand off the side of a pole. You mean that doesn't spell relationship fulfillment to a single female media analyst? Okay, then. In the car he tries to save face: "That was amazing…to have an opportunity to view the sunset…that's what it's all about, really, to be quite frank with you." It's true that there are no sunsets in Oak Park, ever. Patricia asks him if that means he couldn't have seen the sunset by himself, or if she made the sunset memorable. You can tell she's being a little sarcastic, and that he doesn't quite know how to handle it. At the end of the date, he says in an interview that he "made a connection" with Patricia, but I think he knows better.
Dan and Natasha return to the house and walk into the living room, where the classmates are still trying to play drinking games. Someone asks them how the date went. "It was pretty dope," says Natasha. "DOPE"? No. Smack. Smack her. God. Nicole looks on and suddenly lapses into another Slo-Mo Trance Of Even Slower Comprehension as she sees Dan and Natasha slowly waaaaallllking with their aaaaarrrrmmmms around each other and touching each other's ffffaaaaaaaaaces. "I don't know. It's weird," she says -- incisively -- in an interview. "This is not how it was supposed to go at all…I'm glad I got to see how he really is…" Slow Nicole. "He's definitely not somebody that I would be interested in…" Slow. "I don't think I want him to be my husband." Uh. That's a start.
The classmates in the living room are still trying to play Truth Or Dare With Quarterly Tax Code Revisions, or whatever the hell Ben's game is. Natasha admits in an interview that it was "kind of confusing." We see Dave trying to take charge. "Okay. A guy and a girl will go upstairs…and the girl will put the guy's outfit on, and the guy will put the girl's outfit on…and then they'll come out and do a fashion show." Man, cross-dressing has never sounded so freaking boring and stupid. I think RuPaul just looked down at his high heels and muttered, "Aw, fuck this shit." All the classmates exchange "uh, no" looks. "No one was really biting," Natasha tells us. thing, Sarah is getting all contentious with Dave: "You just want to see girls' boobs, and when we say you do it --" "Oh, you think I won't do it," snaps Dave. Sarah stands up and pulls her tank top up. She glares. Her big white bra glares even more. Then she yanks her top down so hard that it goes all askew so The Bra Of Doom is still visible and snarling at everyone. "Okay? I'm done! You're up!" Everyone looks uncomfortable. I guess Sarah was trying to be ballsy but she, uh, dropped the ball.
According to Natasha, Sarah apparently wanted to play the cross-dressing game, but Dave ignored her and she got kind of offended. Dave is trying to call Sarah on that shit by telling her, "You've got a couple of thorns in your side." Well, she's got a couple of something, but we're trying to get past that. "Dave, I just offered to play your little game, and you [bleeped expletive] blew me off, and now you're going to say I've got a thorn in my side?" Dave says that he doesn't want to talk about it and he's not going to get himself all riled up over this [bleeped expletive]. "Dave, go [bleep] off," says Sarah. "Did I just get the F-off?" says Dave. Man, Dave psyched out the bleeps! "Yeah, you did," says Sarah. Yet more uncomfortable looks from everyone. Chris speaks up in an interview: "Ten years ago, everybody would have assumed that it was probably Dave Goodman's fault. But during that moment I think that everyone was siding with Dave." A little while later, Dave is telling everyone, "I think she feels cheated. She flashed me; I didn't flash back." There's a slow-motion replay of The Flash. This time they crank up the contrast on the video so that it looks like The Bra unleashes a blinding atomic reaction complete with its own sound effect: Whooosh! HellBra!
Sarah shouts from the patio that Dave should talk about it with her instead of the rest of the group. "What's there to talk about?" Dave calls back. "I'll talk to you if you come over here. I'm not going to talk across the house." Dave goes out reluctantly. First, they argue about whether there's an argument. They argue that there's no argument except for the argument the other one started, so they shouldn't go around accusing the other one of being argumentative. Yeah. Then Sarah says: "I offered to go play the switching-clothes game." Dave: "Fine! But I wanted everybody to be into it!" I think maybe at this point it occurs to them both how completely fucking stupid this sounds, so they take a different tack. They play Guy Who Keeps Trying to Raise His Voice To Make A Point vs. Girl Who Keeps Passive-Aggressively Telling Him To Calm Down. This gets them nowhere and Dave wants to drop it, and Sarah insists that there's nothing to drop, and suddenly they've agreed all along, and everything is just fucking peachy, and no problem, and Sarah's so cool about it all that she'll just shuffle off to cry. LT: "Man, I know why they brought her here now. She's got the suitcase of tears."
Dave goes back in the house. "What happened?" someone asks. "I didn't --" Dave shrugs. Sarah is walking off toward the beach by herself. "Did you make her cry?" Summer asks. "Yeah, I…uh…" Dave shakes his head. "You know what, you guys? Go ahead. Gossip up." He stomps off somewhere. Sarah slams the back gate. She sits on the sand and cries. Dan comes out wearing this really weird newsboy hat. Sarah's like, "Leave me alone," but Dan sits down. "Do not let that kid get to you," he says, and tries to offer up some insightful blah blah about Dave. "I don't want to hear it!" Sarah sobs. "Right now, I'm pissed about being here. I'm pissed about not knowing what my [bleeped expletive] role is…I didn’t know these [bleeped expletive] in high school; why the [bleeped expletive] am I here?" JS: "Uh, for the tears, okay? Um, good job, I guess." She says it pisses her off that someone like stupid-ass Dave would piss her off. She's pissed because she's sitting out on the beach crying. She's just in an infinite regress of pissiness, isn't she? "I'm just the [bleeped expletive] low-life ass who just walked in." Dan says that's not true, and then finally he sort of gives up and leaves her alone sitting with her legs at an unfortunate angle in relation to the camera.
Back at the house Dave sits with the other classmates. "We can reconcile…" Jason suggests. "…nothing." Dave says. Everyone busts out laughing. It's apparently Cruel Laughter, because it instantly transforms basic acoustic principles and manages to be even louder on the beach where Sarah is crying and can echo out into the night.
After the commercial, Maya gives a polite analysis of the situation, saying it must have been a result "the shock of just putting yourself in a different environment, with different people, and not being super-confident." Translation: Sarah's the low-life ass who just walked in. Sarah's sitting apart from everyone on one of the lounge chairs, just to make a point: "Hi guys! Yeah, you're looking! I [bleeped expletive] see you! Whatever." Nicole goes over and joins her. "If that's what they want to see," says Sarah, "then bring it on, because I can be a bitch." Dave comes over and says he thinks they should start over. "Just come back in, and enjoy the company. Don't feel weird," he says. "Will you make me a drink?" asks Sarah. "I'll do anything you want…whatever makes you comfortable," says Dave. KK: "Dave! If you've matured, I'm going to be really mad." Cut to Sarah's interview, where she says she's worried about regressing back to being eighteen at the reunion. "I think I have an understanding of what my best parts are, and the areas that are not my most likeable," she says, "And I'm trying to work to change those." Yeah, start with not FLASHING those areas.
Everyone's waiting for the third new person to show up. They know it has to be a guy, because the last empty bed is in a guys' room. "He's here," Dan B. says to Natasha and the others. He knows who it is. What, does he get some weird tingle whenever another jock shows up? We see a tall guy with dark hair come up to the door. Time for the intro sequence to Dan P., The Jock. "I'm Dan. Back in high school, I was a jock." They show the photos. Yep, he was a jock. He walks into the house and provokes jock-ish braying from Dan B. and Dave and Jason. Amy says in her interview that JockDan's arrival was sort of different, since he was already friends with a lot of the guys. "I think a lot of the girls were really happy to see him, because he's very good-looking." Cut to Nicole, Patricia, and Amy smiling. Natasha says that "he's still very handsome." "He's good-looking!" Nicole says, looking excited and just a little kookoopants. "He's got a very nice body," says Sarah. "Sarah…Sarah Como," she says to JockDan for about the fiftieth time that day. Patricia says that she thinks JockDan is hotter than Dan Barbato; Summer lisps flirtily about JockDan; Chris complains that JockDan will probably steal all the girls; WE GET IT already. Patricia asks Natasha if she thinks JockDan is cuter than Dan Barbato. "I don't think so," says Natasha. Cough. Sputter. Whatever, Nastypants.
Nicole and Amy watch Dan B. and Natasha strolling around, trying to figure out whether they're "together" or what. They gossip some more about how Natasha has a live-in boyfriend. "Interesting relationship," says Amy. "Whatever," says Nicole. "I'm just going to stay away from her." Dan and Natasha walk down to the beach. Cut to grainy, black-and-white NightStalkCam catching footage of Dan and Natasha frolicking on the beach, unaware they're being filmed. Voice-over of Dan saying, "Every time that I've been intimate with Natasha, we had to steal those moments." Natasha: "Blah blah I'm really confused I have my boyfriend at home blah blah." The StalkCam catches them kissing. There's romantic footage of the waves rushing in. The waves! A metaphor for sweeping passion! Crabs skitter along the sand. The crabs! A metaphor for…oh, never mind.