The day I graduated from Oak Park-River Forest High School in 1989, I felt empty inside somehow. Standing out on the football field in my white graduation dress, holding my dozen roses, I felt nothing but regret. I shook my fist at the school. "Damn you, Class of '92." I said. "I'll talk shit about you guys someday. Maybe I'll even be paid to do it." So when the TWoP folks approached me about recapping this show, it just felt...like, it just felt right, you know? Because you almost never...oh, God, sorry, I'm crying a little. Sorry. Oh, God. Okay. But like, you almost never get a second chance. There, I said it.
Disclaimer: Many of the opinions expressed in the following recap are not necessarily those of the recapper but of her friends from high school: Jessie Spano, Class of '89; Lisa Turtle, Class of '90; and two very helpful acquaintances, Kelly Kapowski and Tori Scott, both from the Class of '92. These are their real names, by the way. You can look them up on Google and everything. Anyway, to set the scene, Jessie and Lisa and I are watching this together, and then later Kelly and Tori join us. We begin drinking. The show starts. "And now," says that WB announcer, "The High School Reunion begins."
JS: Oh my God.
LT: I'm peeing myself already.
First there's a ton of teaser footage mixed in with old snapshots and yearbook photos. Holy crap, there's that Tim kid. There's that Natasha girl; I knew her sister. There's...other people…who look...familiar...sort of. There's someone's butt. This is weird.
More teasers: apparently, at some point Ben will eat strawberries with Natasha. Nicole will hate Summer's voice. Jeff will hurt. Dan will be puffy. Sarah will scream, "Asshole!" and get bleeped out. There will be splashes. There will be sorrows. There will be Speedos.
"What would you do," says a voice-over, "if you could go back in time, and relive high school all over again?"
Wendola: I'd kill myself.
LT: I'd have one of those big greasy cookies from the North Caf.
JS: I'd show that Dan B. dude how he looks now and freak his shit out.
I guess for the purposes of the show, the options here appear to be: 1) pursuing your old crush and giving him or her a sleazy, oily massage; 2) challenging the bully who tormented you to a cathartic, homoerotic boxing match; 3) asking your high school sweetheart to marry you, presumably after sufficient body oiling and/or punching; or 4) showing your naked ass one way or another. So far, it seems like everyone will at least manage to show ass. The OPRF school motto is "Those Things That Are Best," and I guess that includes ass.
The opening credits roll. Already I know I'm going to have trouble keeping all these nicknames straight.
JS: Okay, we've got Popular Girl! Nerd! Pipsqueak! Shy Girl!
Wendola: Gossip! Bully! Dopey! Ringo! Spanky! Sporty! Tito!
LT: The Cop! The Indian! The Construction Worker!
JS: I'm tired already.
"Hi, I'm Mike Richards," says Mike Richards, with the no-nonsense, let's-just- make-it-known-right-now-that-I'm-a-complete-tool intonation favored by many reality show hosts. He's standing at the front entrance of some kind of institutional building that, um, I don't recognize. "For most people, high school's a turning point in their lives…" he says. He gestures stiffly toward the building.
LT: Wait. That's not our high school, is it? That's not Oak Park!
Wendola: Maybe it's Mike Richards's high school?
JS: Is that why he's so emotional?
Mike Richards goes inside the building and walks down a hallway lined with lockers. "Going to your high school reunion," he says, "can be like going back to high school all over again."
JS: Or like going to a completely different high school. The hell?
LT: Is that supposed to be our high school?
Wendola: He just said, "Oak Park-River Forest High School in Chicago."
JS: Dude, that's NOT Oak Park.
Wendola: I know!
LT: I think I just saw a palm tree. THAT'S NOT OAK PARK!
Mike Richards continues to stroll around the "OPRF campus" and tells us that a group of "classmates" from "the class of '92" will show up for "a class reunion" on the Hawaiian island of Maui. Supposedly none of these folks know what to expect or who else will be showing up.
Time to introduce the classmates. They show this cheesy mock-up of a yearbook cover with the Huskie Dog mascot and "1992" printed on it. That is so not the OPRF yearbook. I don't think that's even a huskie on the cover. It's like a Pomeranian or something.
First up: Jeff Kowalczyk, the Class Clown. Jeff says, "I wanted to have sex with every girl in high school. I would have sex with anyone who would have sex with me. Unfortunately, there wasn't a lot of sex for me." Old photos of Jeff show him wearing a number of outfits that help explain why. Aww. He admits that he really wants to hook up. He's the first one at the "reunion," which takes place on the lawn of the Maui estate where they'll be staying.
: Holly Herckis, the Shy Girl. She says "My classmates probably thought I was stuck-up and arrogant." I can't confirm or refute this. She does look like a snot in her old photos, but she was from the Class of '93, so she's not in my yearbook. I also do not own the Playboy college issue in which she appeared, but the camera pans very carefully over the page so we can see for ourselves whether she is stuck up. I don't know what she's posing to; it's either a motorcycle or a dentist's chair. Whatever she's doing, it doesn't require pants. Instead of the crude black bar graphic over her tits, the show's producers have superimposed a tasteful (and I might say even festive) little banner. Holly thinks her Playboy shoot might have shocked folks from high school. Holly's the second one to show up at the lawn-party shindig, and when she walks in Jeff hugs her, um, enthusiastically. Holly's like, "The hell?" Yep, he's seen her in Playboy, all right. We can tell even before he mentions it. Then Holly says, "You're gonna kill me, but I have no clue who you are." Jeff looks shocked.
Wendola: Well, duh. She wasn't even in the same class with him.
JS: Um, Jeff? Even though it looks like the girls in Playboy are staring right at you, they actually can't see you.
Then comes Chris Eads, the Misfit. "I was a little bit of a drifter," he says. "I didn't really know who I was." Most of his photos show him playing tennis or holding tennis racquets. Oh, I see; he was one of those alienated tennis teens. I remember those kids. There was a huge problem at OPRF with tennis gangs wandering aimlessly around by the Tasty Dog parking lot, listlessly lobbing balls, hitting serve after reckless serve over fences, and if you tossed a ball back for them they'd give you this look like, "Yeah, right. Just pretend you care." I understand completely. When Chris shows up Holly, once again, has no clue who he is. LT: "Duh. '93!"
up: Patricia Burton, the Gossip. She seems nice, and she's very pretty, and now she's got a successful job as a career analyst, and nobody I know from OPRF seems to really remember her, but we all remembered her yearbook photo for some reason. We all knew that hair.
The one to arrive is Tim Gittings, the Artist. Okay, so this guy I knew. He was a drama department kid and we were in a play together my senior year. I wasn't really a theatre person, but I hung around with some of them, and Tim was just one of those freshman kids who managed to be laid-back enough that the older kids let him hang out with them. Like, if they were all going somewhere, and the car was really crowded, letting him come along and having him crawl in on everyone's laps in the back seat would actually be kind of cute instead of annoying. You remember kids like that, right? That was Tim. In my yearbook he wrote, "Maybe you'll be able to see me in a play if I'm ever in another!" Um, yeah.
Ben Reb, the Nerd, shows up. Did not know him. But I knew nerds, and Ben? You are not a nerd. OPRF had a considerable menagerie of role-game-playing, army-camouflage-wearing, fake-British-accent-parroting, mumble-to-yourself-as-you-walk-down-the-hall-with-your-Monty-Python-Ministry-of-Silly-Walks-walk, carrying-your-notebook-of-wizard-drawings nerds, and I seriously doubt Ben was among them. That is all.
Amy Clayton, the Chubby Cheerleader, walks in . She might have an older sister that was in my class, but I'm not sure. She was chubby! Now she's not! She looks great! Whatever.
I looked in the '89 yearbook for info on Jason Goodman, Pipsqueak No More, but there wasn't even a page number to his name. Weird. Well, he's hot now.
Summer Zandrew, the Flirt: it's worth noting that in Tim's bio segment, she was in several pictures with him. "In high school, I definitely did flirt," she says, as we see photos of her in several flirty poses -- flirting to the left! flirting to the right! and so on. When she shows up at the reunion, Tim's jaw drops in amazement, and I'm guessing it's because she's another one not from the class of '92 (she was in '93), and Tim probably didn't expect that she'd be there. They hug. In a separate interview, Tim says that he has "a lot of good feelings and a lot of regrets" about Summer, and that she's "the one that got away."
Then comes Dan Barbato, the Player. (It's at this point that Kelly and Tori joined us and had a few things to say.) In Dan's bio segment, he says, "In high school, people thought I was a stud."
KK: No! In high school, we thought he was a troll!
TS: A freaking troll! He was a DIRTBAG! Always!
KK: TROLL! GOD!
TS: That's all. TROLL!
Dan confesses that his way of breaking up with a girl in high school was to just start going out with another girl. Somehow, I can see that. When he shows up at the reunion, Summer says, "Wow, nobody had to look you up in the yearbook!" Somehow, I can see that, too.
Nicole Redmond, the Tall Girl, is .
TS: Who's she? She was in our class?
KK: I don't know. But I guess she was tall.
TS: I don't remember her being tall.
KK: She just said she was tall in high school.
TS: Yeah, but I don't even remember her HEAD being around anywhere sticking out of the crowd.
KK: Whatever. BARBATO'S A TROLL!
In high school, Nicole was tall and had a crush on Dan Barbato. Now she is tall and has a crush on Dan Barbato. She says that Dan has no idea who she is, but she says, "If I do see him at the high school reunion, I will come home married to Dan Barbato."
TS: She must have been so tall she hit her head somewhere.
KK: [whispers] Troll.
Maurice, the Loner, shows up. We actually already saw him in one of the pictures in Summer's bio segment, which should tell you something right there. In an interview, Summer says that she and Tim and Maurice had sort of a "love triangle." The only other thing I know is that Maurice was at OPRF after flunking out of Fenwick, which is a private prep school in Oak Park.
Natasha, the Popular Girl, says she had it "very easy" in high school. "I had a lot of friends, dated a lot of different boys." KK: "Including, uh, Dan Barbato." Now Natasha is working as a cocktail waitress and trying to be an actress. "I don't want to be considered a loser," she says. In separate interviews, all the guys talk about how beautiful she is. Tim says he never remembered anything in chemistry class because she was in it with him. JS: "Um, I think he never remembered anything because of the WEED." Dan said he "admired her from afar" in high school. KK: "Wait, what?" Ben says he would have loved to have asked Natasha out.
up: Dave Goodman, the Bully.
KK: Auggh!!! SUCH! An! ASSHOLE!
TS: He is LATENT. So gay.
"I always had fun at someone else's expense," says Dave. "Who didn't make fun of somebody in high school?" From his bio segment we learn that Dave spent a lot of time making fun of people, and also hurling baseballs with a certain severely face-contorting rage. TS: "Gay rage! I'm telling you." In an interview that took place before the reunion, Chris says that he'd least like to see Dave Goodman. "Because I hate him," he says. Ben says that Dave once spat on him "in the van," which I'm assuming means during a team-related trip when they all did sports together. Dave snorts that "they were nerds" -- by "they," I guess he means Ben and Chris (KK: "Yeah, those two hung out together") -- and he proceeds to tell a story about how he put crackers in Chris's underwear, "and he sweated 'em into a mulch." The way Dave seems to really cherish that memory of Chris, underwear, and sweat makes me think that Tori has a point.
When Dave rears his pinchy little head at the reunion, the camera cuts over to Chris. Oh, fuck, thinks Chris. "[Dave]'s just as bad as he was in high school," he says in an interview. "Maybe even worse."
Everyone stands around and drinks foofy tropical drinks and contributes their thoughts about the reunion. Patricia: "Blah blah blah such good vibes and energy!" Summer: "Everyone seems really happy blah blah bibbety blah!" Chris: "Yadda yadda want to form lasting relationships with people!" Dan: "I'm definitely interested getting to know the ladies here!" Everybody: "TROLL!!" Nicole: "I'm thinking that by the end of two weeks, I'll definitely be Mrs. Barbato!" Wow. She made that joke before. It's a joke, right? RIGHT?
We pause for commercials, drinking, freaking the hell out, and troll anecdotes.
Everyone's still mingling out on the lawn at the Maui estate when Mike Richards shows up again. "Hi, I'm Mike Richards," says Mike Richards. "I know you guys haven't seen each other for awhile, it's like, ten years, right?" Everyone looks around at each other like, "Uh, does he need us to answer this?" Mike Richards goes on with the provocative questions: "Is this a little weird right now?" he asks. "Am I a complete tool or what?" He tells the group that there's going to be "some fun games" and "exotic field trips." Then he holds up a laminated orange card thingy that says "HALL PASS." "Remember these from high school? These were a good thing!" Everyone seems very excited.
LT: Uh, getting to go the bathroom is a good thing, but it's not that great.
Wendola: Well, they just had all those daiquiris.
Mike Richards explains that the hall pass enables them to do some kind of fancy Maui-wowie activity, and they can pick whomever they want to come with them. The classmates ooh and aah, and several of them actually hop up and down a little. Maybe they do have to pee. Then it's time for everyone to check out the house. The place is huge, with at least two pools out on the patio, and it's pretty sweet, although by the time you see the bedrooms you can tell that there's a lot of that slightly lame timeshare décor and it's not all that lavish. The classmates are sleeping two or three or more to a bedroom, and each bed has a enlargement of the classmate's yearbook photo hanging above it. Everyone figures out their room assignments. Dave and Dan are rooming together. According to Dan, that's a recipe for trouble. Dave stands in their bedroom and announces, "This will be the palace for naked ass!" Already with the naked ass stuff.
Ben and Chris see that they're rooming together, and when Ben walks in, he sees that there's a Hall Pass propped up on his pillow. "I didn't get a hall pass. I want a hall pass!" says Chris. The Hall Pass is for Ben and a classmate of his choice to go snorkeling in a nearby cove, followed by a candlelit dinner.
Nicole gets a hall pass, too. She reads it: "To dine by the sea, followed by a romantic moonlit stroll along the beach." And then drink piña coladas and get caught in the rain! Yeah, like that shit's not going to give her ideas. "Oh! Gosh!" she says.
Elsewhere in the house, Tim is playing his harmonica.
JS: Oh my GOD. So did he bring his BOWL along, too?!
Wendola: I'm so glad you remember this stuff.
JS: For Christ's sake, GO BACK TO SCOVILLE PARK and play that thing there.
Summer walks into Tim's room, having heard that sweet old Slacker Siren Call. In an interview, Summer confesses that "Tim was the first guy I was just...ga-ga over. Tim Gittings broke my heart, and I don't think I ever forgave him for that." Summer and Tim lie around, and she asks him why he never asked her to prom. Tim says he didn't think she wanted to go. "I totally wanted to go! I got all pissed off the day you told me you weren't going to go!" she says. In an interview, Tim says that he hopes he and Summer can spend the two weeks talking about their past. Back in their room, Summer's all, "So you weren't trying to break my heart?" and Tim's all, "No way." "That's an interesting way to remember things," says Summer. Whatever. Everyone I know was always wanting to slack off on prom because it cost eighty-five bucks.
Later, everyone is hanging out in the kitchen. Chris has written up a Hall Pass of his own, and Summer reads it out loud: "You will engage in risqué sexually-related activity!" Heh. Okay, I don't know if this is true, but according to one local source, Chris supposedly directs porn now in addition to being a tennis instructor, so maybe it makes sense that he so quickly understands the inherent porno quality of a situation like this. Meanwhile, Nicole and Ben figure out that they have to use their Hall Passes that night.
In an interview, Ben says that he'll ask Natasha, since he's always had a crush on her. He says he's nervous, and that it's a little overwhelming having to ask right away. "I have absolutely no game plan," he says. KK: "Ben's STILL a dork." Ben and Dan are hanging out at the pool when Natasha shows up. Ben voice-overs that he hopes he doesn't have to ask out Natasha in front of all the other classmates. Natasha sits by the edge of the pool for a little while before she slips off the pareo and top she has over her suit and slips into the pool. Notice how the raunchy guitar soundtrack gets cranked up just a notch as she takes off her top. I have a bad feeling they're going to do that a lot.
Ben finally gets up the nerve to seek out Natasha in the kitchen and ask her "to catch dinner" with him. She says yes. She's a little giggly. She actually looks like she's on the verge of cracking her shit up, but it seems like it might be just because this whole Hall Pass thing seems really loony and not because she thinks Ben is a dork. As she talks to him she eats a banana, and thank God she has the sense to not bite directly into it. Natasha confesses in an interview that Ben never really made an impression on her and that she probably wouldn't have dated him even if he had, because she was pretty preoccupied with being popular. Well, she gets points for being honest, I guess. That, plus the banana thing.
It's 1:42 PM at the house. Dan and Dave are strutting around barking dumb shit like, "All Hall Passes check in with Dan and Dave!" In an interview, Nicole talks about how intimidating the Hall Pass is. At lunchtime, or the post-lunchtime, pre-pool party cocktail hour, or whatever, Nicole hovers around Dan. In her interview, she says that in high school that she'd go to any party "where there was a Dan Barbato sighting." Like it was ever hard to spot his huge pasty face.
The classmates hang out in the pool and drink bottled water. All this flesh was brought to you courtesy of Aquafina Spring Water, apparently. Dave and Dan stand around in the pool, and Dave says to the camera, "You don't see the horns growing out of my head yet, do you?" KK: "No, but he has them all right." Dave says in an interview that "it was great to see Dan Barbato. We were very close in high school." TS: That is BULLSHIT. Dave just kissed Dan's ass because he was popular." In his interview, Dan says that Dave "seriously, in high school, was a nut."
Back in the pool, Dave opens his mouth and says various assy things like, "All I can care about is...myself." Chris glares from across the pool. Dave picks up something small, like a bottle cap or maybe his capacity for normal human interaction, and hurls it across the pool area. Remember, this asshat used to pitch baseball. Jeff gets hit in the back. "That bastard!" says Jeff. "I'm bleeding!" he exaggerates. Dave laughs and laughs and says that it's going to leave "a chocolate starfish mark" on his back. Again with the ass stuff. Chris talks in an interview about how Dave is "still a jerk and an idiot. Everything he's done is stupid and idiotic...I mean, that's not even high school. That's like, sixth grade." In the pool, Dave calls over to Nicole in a sing-song voice: "Hall Pass girl! Hall Pass girl!" "You think that's funny, huh?" says Nicole. She seems to get that he's not flirting but just being a prick instead. TS: "I bet he'll tell her he'd like to shove his nose up her ass. He liked to say that. The hell? What does that even MEAN?" ["You know, it's not often that I feel relieved at having gone to all-girls' school, but…damn. Shut up, Davewad." -- Sars]
Later on, Nicole and Dan are alone in the pool. Nicole voice-overs that she's never asked anyone out on a date before, so she's nervous. "I'm just going to try and work the casual," she says. Nicole sits at one end of the pool. Dan stares into the distance. Nicole sits at another end of the pool. Dan drinks some water. Nicole sits at a strategic forty-seven-degree angle across from Dan in the pool. Nicole treads water at the northeast corner of the pool and practices principles of feng shui. Dan looks at a plane passing overhead. Dan totally knows what's going on, but he just lounges around quietly like some Zen master or something. Finally Nicole asks him out. He says yes. "I was extremely relieved," says Nicole. "Dan is going to be my future husband anyway, so I think I might as well go out on a date with him." Uh-oh. She's mentioned this "future husband" thing too many times now to be a joke. Oh, no. No no no.
Ben and Natasha get ready for their date in a slightly unsettling soft-focus, often slow-motion sequence, complete with a creepy song with even creepier lyrics: How'd Natasha got to be so beautiful? How'd Ben get to be so big and tall? Well, that's not how they go exactly, but still. Auggghh. Stop it. These people are almost thirty. Natasha says in her interview that she's a little nervous because she's never really talked to Ben. "It's like a blind date almost -- like, a date with a stranger." Natasha walks in slow motion down the stairs, and she and Ben walk in slow motion out the door.
Some of the other classmates talk about Ben in the kitchen. Chris notes that Ben totally shot up in height and has this confidence that he didn't have before. "He was fairly introverted throughout high school," says Maurice. "I heard he's a millionaire," says Chris. Everyone's like, "Oh?" "He kind of played it off when I asked him about it," says Chris. In an interview, Amy says she's not surprised, because Ben's a smart guy. "He's still Ben, but just happens to have a lot of money." Oh, God. We already have a reality show for this.
Ben and Natasha snorkle. Heh heh -- that sounds dirty.
Dave and Dan, The Tooly Twosome, sit around with Jeff and snark that Natasha probably wishes she were out with some other guy. Dan says in his interview, "When Ben got to take Natasha out on his little date, it was fine with me. To be completely honest, I don't think he has a shot with her."
Nicole gets all dolled up in a strapless red dress, and she looks really nice, except somehow the way she walks sort of ruins the effect -- like, whoa, watch it, Lurchy. She walks into the kitchen, and all the other classmates yell, "Woo!" Everyone tells Nicole she looks nice, and tells Dan to treat her like a lady. She says in an interview, "I think we're going to take this time to get to know each other, and then in a week, a week and a half...he'll propose." With a straight face she says this. So help me God. Help her.
During their car ride, Dan pulls all sorts of things out of his ass like, "Yeah, seriously, we're going to have fun tonight" and "I'm glad you gave me little card [the Hall Pass]; like, seriously." He ever so casually asks her if she thought about asking anybody else or what. Nicole laughs nervously when she says no. Dan's all, "Seriously, it's great catching up with you." Oh, yeah, like she's going to reminisce about all the good times with him, like, "Remember when I used to walk backwards through the hallway holding up that compact mirror looking at you?" Dan notes that they didn't talk much in high school. Nicole says that they never had a class together. And if she knew that, you know that has to mean she had a secret binder with a laminated copy of his class schedule and a map of the school with heart stickers over all the classrooms where he'd be and little notes to herself like, "Memo: change last name to 'Bedmond' to get A-Period Homeroom with D.B."
Ben and Natasha have dinner on the beach. It's nice, except for the fact that they have to sit on these damn rocks, and when they're seated the makeshift table goes up to their chins somehow. Natasha asks him who he dated in high school. "Nobody," says Ben. "You just had to ask the girls," says Natasha. In her interview Natasha says, "I know that he was very, very, shy but I just kind of imagined that he would still have been going to the dances, and going out."
LT: God! I can't believe he didn't want to see the decorations in the Student Center!
Wendola: I know! One time at King of Hearts they took these balloons and made an arch. A heart arch.
JS: Why would he want to miss out on that?
The rest of the classmates back at Regression Ranch decide to hit the beach near sunset. Maurice and Jeff show up in Speedos. "I feel like a French couple," says Jeff. Heh heh. The women are freaked out at Jeff, because his Speedo is extra tiny and he makes a point of sticking his belly out. "He's a mess! A complete mess!" says Patricia. Jeff says in his interview that he considered working out before coming on the show, but he hasn't in years, not since P.E. in high school. (And I can tell you that at OPRF there were classes like square dancing, for fuck's sake, so that half the time you could get away with not even sweating.) "So my belly comes out and my chest caves in," he says, "but I've got nothing to hide." Holly's says, "Get in the water, Jeff, please." Oh, shut up, Miss Airbrush. Jeff runs into the ocean and comes out showing considerably more ass cheek than when he went in. He turns his suit into a thong and follows the women around and freaks them out. I had advance warning that this stuff was going to be funny, and I have to admit that it is.
Yet more sunset beach footage, this time altered to look like home-movie clips. The waves rush in. People smile. Patricia walks over to Jeff and gently pulls up his Speedo so his butt crack doesn't show.
Wendola: Aww. Now that's the Huskie Spirit of Community right there.
LT: It's why they had those Human Relations Awards.
JS: They really need to give one to Patricia now.
Dan and Nicole's date. Dan looks at the sunset and says it's "like a canvas that just keeps changing." Whatever, troll. Dan and Nicole clink their wine glasses together; Dan blathers something about having a good time, but also apparently he's kept asking Nicole why she asked him out on the Hall Pass. Nicole takes a deep breath. "Okay." Oh, no. She laughs nervously. "Uh, let me…" Oh, no. "Take your time," says Dan. He takes a sip from his Blue Hawaii. Jesus, he's drinking Chardonnay and a mixed drink at the same time. Oh, no. TS: "Oh, YES." Nicole says that she "just knew" she'd wanted to ask him right away. "When I saw you...I just knew." In voice-over: "I don't think Dan knows the extent of how much I worshipped him, or how much I stalked him in high school...and I don't know, you know, the nice way to tell him." Oh, no. Dan thinks that her swift decision to ask him out "is cool, you, know, like it was cool, like, when you said, you know?" He blathers on like that for awhile and then decides to stall for more time by talking about how, like, it was cool with the way she asked him out, you know, how it was, like cool, it chilled, yeah. And then just shuts up. Heh. Oh, no. What else can you do after that but drink a lot and let a creepy song play on the soundtrack. Nicole's the girl for Dan! Nicole's the girl for Dan! Gotta make him see! Oh, no.
We see the rest of Ben and Natasha's date, which can now be called How To Go On A Date With A Virtual Stranger And Admit That You Had A Huge Crush On Them In High School Without Making It Totally Creepy. Tips: 1) Drink only wine. 2) Don't be Nicole.
Back at the house, Maurice and Tim are in the hot tub. "I love you," Maurice says, grabbing Tim and kissing him. Tim slaps him. "You bitch," says Maurice. "You don't have a Hall Pass!" says Tim. Yep. Drama people never change. Dave repeatedly dunks Summer and flings her violently around the pool like he's the Crocodile Hunter. Summer just squeals. Jeff gets completely naked and belly-flops in the pool. Tradition of Excellence, people.
Maurice and Dave do the dishes and Maurice talks to him about how much of a jerk he was to everyone -- friends, acquaintances, teachers, girls, the elderly, puppies, kittens, whoever. Dave says in an interview that maybe if someone is still mad at him from ten years ago, he'd talk to them or something, "but I resolved it for myself ten years ago." Whatever. Dave's a shithead, he's an assface, he's Honey Bunches of Dick cereal.
Nicole and Dan walk on the beach. Dan talks about the date in an interview: "It was very cool, we were very chilled." They continue a little farther down the beach, and between Dan's drinking and Nicole's lurching and drinking and the waves coming in, it's, well, pretty action-packed. Finally they stop and Dan kisses her several times. The camera goes up their noses, practically, and there's one slo-mo shot of their lips disengaging from each other, but, you know, I've seen far worse kissing. Nicole admits in the interview that she was surprised by the kiss. Oh, no. Nicole tells him, "I'm really into you." Dan tries to reflect that shit. "Seriously. Seriously we had fun." They hug. "It was cool," says Dan. "Very cool," says Nicole. They walk back, and Dan says that he's glad she chose him -- "seriously." Okay, a little bit after this Dan says that he believes "in communication," and I agree, except it would really help if he learned more ADJECTIVES. Seriously.
In the car, Dan tries to tell her that it's just the first night of the reunion, and they don't know what's going to happen yet. "You've got to understand that," says Dan. "You understand that?" "Yeah," says Nicole. She doesn't understand. Dan tries to explain that maybe in two days someone might ask him out. "Yeah," says Nicole. Dan thinks she understands. "But that would freak me out," says Nicole. Nicole doesn't understand. Dan says "seriously." Nicole says, "Yeah yeah yeah I get it," like she understands. "But what if you have a great time with someone else?" she asks him. "Right! That's what I'm saying!" says Dan. Nicole understands! "I understand it," says Nicole. "But I don't like it." She doesn't understand. "So you understand," says Dan. She nods. She so does not understand.
They're shown walking back into the house with just enough of the slooooow video motion to sufficiently convey the fucked-up-edness of the situation. Nicole's voice-over: "Dan doesn't know the extent of how I felt about him. I don't kiss many people. I don't." Slooooowww walking. Dan: "She did say she had a crush on me. But I told her really clearly that I didn't want this to be, like, a pressure situation." Slower and slower still, Dan and Nicole walk The March Of The Fucked into the living room, where they join the rest of the classmates. "I'm really confused about the whole thing," Nicole says. "Maybe Dan is not the person I thought he was." Nicole looks around slooowwly. "I feel like I'm back in high school," she says. Slow Nicole. Slow.