Since the first thing we see is Oliver from The O.C. in his room, doing his homework, I should probably lead off by mentioning that I didn't watch The O.C. during Oliver's reign of suck, so I don't have any predetermined animosity towards Taylor Handley. I'm leaving it up to this show to build that up. So Oliver, or "Johnny," as we'll be calling him, is all prepped out, with a collared shirt and sweater, and his hair neatly slicked back. His Dad (Tim DeKay -- he won't be staying long, unfortunately) stumbles by with his tumbler full of Grandma's cough medicine. It's pouring rain outside, so you know some bad shit's gonna go down. Dad's a sad drunk, rather than a mean one, and he instructs his son to do something creative with his life -- be a poet or a trumpet player. Neruda gets quoted, and Johnny gently tries to nudge Dad out the door so he can go sleep it off. Rather than do that, Dad steps out into the hall, puts a gun into his mouth, and blows his brains out. Ironically enough, he never even met Greta.
"One year later..." If you're wondering what might have happened to Johnny in the intervening twelve months, allow Amy Winehouse's "Rehab" to wash away all nagging questions. Suddenly, we're in Palm Springs, where it's not raining anymore. Or ever again. Johnny's just moved there with his Mom and Mom's new husband Bob. He's also unbuttoned his shirt, mussed up his hair and taken up photography, which means he's ready to be the lead in a CW teen drama. Also: when did amateur photography replace an acoustic guitar as the hobby du jour for soulful teen dreams? Things are understandably strained between Johnny and Mom, what with Dead Dad, re-marriage, and the fact that Johnny's fresh out of rehab. Lucky for him, he's got a whole cul-de-sac full of odd neighbors to distract him, none odder than Liza, who conducts weird science experiments while dressed up in HazMat gear. She's so covered up, in fact, that we're all shocked when we discover that this mad scientist is, in fact, a GIRL! Johnny also notices, from his bedroom window, what appears to be a woman getting stabbed in the house door. And then someone throws a bloody rubber hand into his window with a "Meet me outside" note. This incorrigible lad is Cliff Wiatt (Zach from The O.C. -- again, don't remember him much, but: cute!), his neighbor, who liked to play pranks such as these with Eddie, the kid who used to live in the room Johnny now occupies. Cliff's popped collar reveals him to be a preppie, but he also appears to be lovably goofy and, though I'm not sure it's what the show intended, almost constantly hitting on Johnny in one way or another. He tells Johnny that Palm Springs is wicked boring, but it's good to have him here, because "this town is in desperate need of fresh blood."
, Johnny spots a girl in a white nightie running off towards the golf course. Late at night. She continues to run up and down the fairways, laughing and twirling, as free spirits often do. On TV shows. That are kind of stupid. Johnny can't resist this brazen display of mental illness, so he none-too-sneakily follows her. She eventually tackles him and demands to know who he is. And, here's the thing: this isn't a good show, but it's a watchable show, except for any and all scenes between this girl -- Greta -- and Johnny. She's seriously the most ridiculous character I've come across all season. So we'll keep this brief, as they meet cute and run through the sprinklers and dance like idiots, and predictably inane Kevin Williamson dialogue follows, and I end up focusing a lot on Johnny's wildly attractive mouth for most of it. She's a free spirit! He'd very much like to have sex with her! She runs away without telling him who she is!
Then the I Know Who Killed Me trailer, which manages to both give the entire movie away and still make no sense.
Meanwhile, back at the Wiatt Ranch, Cliff helps his mom prepare to show off her newly rhinoplastied face while Sharon Lawrence decides whether or not her character is actually from the South or not. Elsewhere, at the country club, the neighbors gossip about all and sundry, while Johnny obnoxiously takes photos around the pool, particularly of Greta sunning herself on a raft. He also meets Liza for real, via a most hackneyed "bump into, drop something, knock heads together as you both stoop to pick it up" sequence. Liza works at the country club, as does Michelle, who is the mayor's daughter, although not much hay gets made of that. Cliff shows up and "flirts" with her for a bit, before getting down to flirting properly with Johnny, in the guise of giving him the 411 on Greta. The gist is: chick's weird, dude, keep away. As if proving his point, Greta just shows up, bitchily deletes some photos of her off of Johnny's Soulful Camera and generally acts like she didn't perform the Dance of the Sprinkler Nymph in front of him last night. Johnny, of course, is beguiled. Ugh. Cliff, kind of pissed that his new boy toy is making eyes at Crazy over there, sourly notes that Johnny and Greta have met.
Since Greta would drive anyone to drink, Johnny decides to hit up an AA meeting in town. There he meets a drag queen, played by Beverly Leslie from Will & Grace, who is dressed in a sensible cream-colored pantsuit that he no doubt uses for his "Barbra: The Brolin Years" cabaret. Beverly Leslie is full of plain-spoken Southern wisdom, and he tells Johnny, essentially, to hang in there. On his way home, Johnny spots Greta on the patio of a café, and they embark upon a scene that rivals any Dawson/Joey debate on soul mates for sheer irritation. She says she only works in "moments" (she's elusive! And not looking for a commitment!), so Johnny's better off leaving her alone. She then embarks upon a little verbal questionnaire, involving evolution (she's smart! Or at least smart enough to know how to pronounce "evolution"!), Titanic (she name-drops "Leo and Kate"! So we...don't get confused!), and virginity (Johnny is one!). But, oh! Johnny turns the tables, saying Greta's questions for him said even more about her. So blah, blah, blah, he totally has her number now that he knows she's got a weird hangup about Titanic. It's the worst kind of Williamson tripe and it depresses me that he still needs his teens to be overly analytical monsters of smug who display no actual human emotion or desire beyond self-satisfaction. On a completely related note, nobody has sex in this entire episode. I was promised a sexy summer soap!
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At home, Johnny gets weird about his mom and Bob getting all handsy on the lanai, so instead he heads on over to Cliff's to help him plant rose bushes. Cliff's popped-collar polo is pink today, and he permanently looks about half a second away from shoving his tongue down Johnny's throat. Anyway. We learn more about Eddie, via Cliff: he dated Greta, but she "led him on, screwed with his head." And he didn't move away, he died. But that's all Cliff wants to say. Meanwhile, Liza begins "experimenting" with things like mascara and lip gloss, because she knows who's exec-producing her show and she figures it's only a matter of time until the mousy tomboy has to go all girly. Greta trespasses into Johnny's backyard and they "flirt" some more, in the pool. After she tries to pop-psych him some more about being "haunted," Johnny admits that his dad killed himself. Which should totally score him some tail, but of course it doesn't. Greta just looks at him like she understands him.
At the country club mixer or whatever the hell, Johnny meets up with Cliff and Michelle. Beverly Leslie, waiting tables sans-drag, happens by and hushes that Johnny should be wary of Cliff because "he's shifty." Liza shows up all girlied-out, but she's swiftly box-blocked by an oblivious Michelle. Greta also shows up, and she runs into Cliff, who darkly tells her to be careful of Johnny, who is "no dummy." Greta looks genuinely upset by even talking to Cliff, and tells him to leave her alone. "Of course," Cliff menaces. "That was the deal." So after 45 minutes of me spinning secret tales of Cliff putting the moves on Johnny, he now starts making faces like he's a serial killer? Not sure how I feel about that, although Michael Cassidy is magnetic either way. Greta finds Johnny, and talk turns to Eddie, which totally ruins her mood, so she runs off. Later on, at home, he and Mom have it out about her getting married so soon after Dad died, including some bonus info from Johnny, intimating that Mom was seeing other men. Many other men.
Outside his house, Cliff finds himself locked out, and while he's outside he comes across a pug owned by one of his old lady neightbors. Cliff sweet-talks the pup into approaching him, then up and kicks it! Kicks the dog! Okay, 1) weak kick dude. That's a teeny dog, you should have gotten some distance out of that punt. But also, 2) Cliff's a baaaaaad man.
Then: Damien Rice sings us out the rest of the way. "The Blower's Daughter" is a gorgeous song and all, but I'm not sure reminding me of Closer is going to make your show look all that great in comparison, sir. Anyway, as we montage, Greta cries her eyeliner out amid the golf course sprinklers. She really gets into it, too, like falling prostrate on that ground and wailing and heaving her bosom -- hey, nobody's watching, honey. Put 'em away until they can do you some good. Johnny mopes in his room and pines over the pics of Greta on his Soulful Camera. Cliff lies down on his bed and looks guilty. Or sad. Or psychotic. He no longer looks like he wants to jump Johnny's bones, though, and that's what's important. His doorbell rings, and it's Greta, who's still a total mess. "I hate you," she tells him. "I know," he says, in a way that might indicate he hates himself as well. And then she breaks down sobbing on his shoulder. But do they do it? No, they do not. Because soapy summer teen dramas don't need sex! They need soulful, sober photographers falling asleep to their dead dad's Pablo Neruda. Where have you been?
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