This episode is "5 Chefs Compete, Part 1 of 3"!? It's going to take THREE episodes to eliminate a chef this time? Good lord!
Ramsay dismisses the remaining five chefs, with Susan breathing a sigh of relief since she thought she was going home. Don't worry -- you'll be with us another two weeks. I mean, I realize that's not two weeks of Susan's time, but there's only so much of her self-regard I can stand. And now she's quizzing Ja'Nel on why Ja'Nel hates her, even though Ja'Nel insists she's just talking about little nitpicky things. Jon is lamenting being the only man among the women, mainly because the women are referring to "estrogen" and "periods" and "chocolate" instead of how much they want to have sex with Jon, apparently. There is discussion of south-of-the-border grooming habits, but it is not sexy enough for Jon. If this is the kind of filler we have to sit through for three episodes, it's going to be a long summer.
The morning, Ramsay says there's one more thing to go through before he awards the black jackets, and plays them a video. It starts with Cyndi's sister and her mom and her dog, talking about missing her and how proud they are. It completely breaks Cyndi up in the moment and during the talking head. It's sweet. Jon almost starts crying too and then his sister and mom show up for encouragement. And Ja'Nel's sister and mom are there now too. Susan's little brother is on the video and so is Mary's brother. "Wasn't that wonderful?" asks Ramsay, taking a break from his regular routine of cursing the living fuck out of these contestants. We go to commercial with the cliffhanger being just what the challenge will be...
...and it turns out the challenge is (not surprisingly) to see their family, who are all there behind a curtain in the dining room. It gets a little dusty in the room as all the cheftestants hug their family members. Even Mary is not annoying as she squeaks about seeing her mom and her husband. Her husband isn't there, though, because he's in school. But he's sent a letter about how much he misses her and how proud he is and how much he supports her. Mary speaks movingly about how he's her best friend and whatever.
I cannot beLIEVE how choked up I get with Jon over how he misses his best friend's kid's first day of school. Good CHRIST, what is wrong with me? Apparently the kid's dad died when the kid was one. "He's already been through a lot," says Jon. "This entire journey, really, is dedicated to Hayden."
Cyndi's family is proud of her for making the top five, and I'm going to LOSE it again. Ja'Nel's mom looks EXACTLY like Ja'Nel only older. Like if Ja'Nel went missing for twenty-five years and the police used aging software to depict what she might look like, it would be her mom. I really like Ja'Nel. I hope she wins. She gets a little choked up with her mom, and then has to apologize for cursing.
Susan is holding hands with her mother and brother and then Ramsay interrupts the family reunions to assemble the chefs -- their families behind them -- and reminds them that there are only four jackets for five contestants. And then he says that as he's watching them with their families, he thinks any one of them can win and that's why he's going to give out five black jackets.
And there is much jubilation. Ramsay is like a cult leader at this point. Pretty much all of the chefs are crying and the black jackets are marched out, and they're awarded to (in order) Jon, Ja'Nel, Cyndi, Susan and Mary. "How special do those jackets feel?" asks Ramsay, before telling them to say goodbye to their families because their individual challenge is coming up. Jon in particular is feeling cocky after getting his black jacket, predicting he'll be working in Vegas: "Come up and see me sometime."
The final five chefs assemble -- in their black jackets -- in the dining room, and now Susan is wearing glasses... probably because the black frames match, but they work for her. Ramsay says the winner of the upcoming challenge will get to spend the afternoon with his or her family, something they're all excited about. But the challenge is a real pressure cooker, says Ramsay, and Susan uses "literally" correctly as five pressure cookers are wheeled out. You guys recorded this before the Boston thing, right? Apparently no one but Mary has even used a pressure cooker before. Ramsay says he wants to see who can create a five-star dish from an inexpensive cut of meat, which are laid out in the pressure cookers themselves.
Cyndi picks her pressure cooker: pork roast. Jon gets lamb leg. Susan gets pork belly. She's also wearing her hair down, and I hate to admit how much I'm digging that. Maybe it's the glasses and her proper use of "literally" that's getting me excited. Ja'Nel gets goat ribs -- people eat those? -- and Mary gets beef short ribs, which she says she was hoping for.
They've got forty-five minutes to cook and they get to work. Jon is thinking "old French rustic style," and Susan is saying something about fennel while Mary's talking about beef bourguignon. Ja'Nel's working with okra, and Cyndi's going to incorporate some squash.
Mary's doing her tongue-hanging-out thing. "She's just totally letting it fly today," says Cyndi. Are you guys sure you want to stretch this out over three episodes? There is more "drama" over how many times Susan has lifted the lid on her pressure cooker -- a real no-no, and she does it six times. Meanwhile, Jon is complaining about the steam rising from the steamer that Mary is using for her potatoes. And then he burns his lamb. "I'm totally freaking the fuck out," he says. Cyndi's surprised he burned the meat. "Jon's starting to crumble under pressure," she tells us. Jon works to salvage the dish, and Susan helps him out with a fresh cooker that isn't covered in Burnt Jon Protein.
The last few minutes tick away while the judges fret over plating and last-minute touches. Susan is more confident than Cyndi over how their respective dishes have turned out, and then it's time for the judging.
Ramsay announces his guest judges: one is the James Beard award-winning owner of Osteria Mozza, Chef Nancy Silverton. The cheftestants applaud, Mary saying Silverton's books were always on the shelf of a place she used to work. judge is another James Beard award-winner, this time in culinary journalism: she's the "dine editor" of Los Angeles magazine, Lesley Bargar Suter. "These ladies know everything there is to know about culinary and food," says Cyndi.
Ramsay explains the judges will be assessing the dishes on one to five stars, and the chef with the highest total wins.
Susan's up first and she says she still has some "doubters and naysayers" in Hell's Kitchen, so she wants to prove them wrong with her pork belly and fennel and leek slaw with crispy pork belly skin on top. Silverton says the fat hasn't really been rendered -- flashback to Susan lifting the lid many times -- and Suter likes the slaw, but it could be shaved a little thinner. They each (including Ramsay) give the dish three stars, for a total of nine.
Jon brings up his lamb leg, which he says he made "a little more traditional, like French" with rutabaga and fingerling potatoes. Silverton praises the color and the caramelization, but says he would have benefited from a little more time in the pressure cooker, because it's still a little tough. Also, a little too much butter and the "moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips" phrase is invoked. Suter also says it needed more time in the pressure cooker, and Jon gets four stars from Ramsay and three from the other two for a total of ten.
Cyndi brings up her pork roast with acorn squash puree and fig compote. Silverton says the flavors all work, but she's put off with the color and Suter agrees. Ramsay agrees the presentation suffers. He gives three stars, while the other two give two stars apiece. Cyndi is devastated, particularly because Susan got nine stars.
Ja'Nel is with her goat ribs and crispy okra and rustic smashed sweet potato. "It's better than great," says Silverton. Again, Suter agrees and Ramsay thinks it's great. Suter awards four stars, with the other two giving five apiece for a total of fourteen and a very tough act to follow for Mary.
Her beef bourguignon is served up with fresh pasta, which the judges praise as ambitious and brave. The judges love it and after a commercial break, we find out that Mary gets five stars from each judge. She almost starts to cry, knowing what she's won, and Ramsay tells her she and her family will dine at WP24. Ja'Nel is "horrendously disappointed" in herself.
Mary hustles off for the limo ride and Ramsay says the rest of them are in for some dirty work: "I volunteered all four of your services as the maintenance crew for TreePeople. You'll be digging in hillsides, slashing brush, shoveling mulch and giving back to the community," he explains.
But that's not all: Today is recycling day, so they'll be hopping in the Dumpsters, separating the trash from the recyclables. They all put on jumpsuits and Susan yaps about how she's so much sexier in her jumpsuit than the rest of them are.
Meanwhile, Mary meets up with her mother and brother for dinner. It's been over a year since she's seen her brother, she tells us, and at the restaurant they toast to family.
Elsewhere, the losers meet up with the TreePeople dude, who stars barking orders at them and they get to work. This is great, because obviously people who watch a cooking competition want to watch several long minutes of people shoveling mulch.
Mary shows her family to work with chopsticks, and explains her family is a "Velveeta and Wonder Bread" family, like way to sell them out on national television. Remember, this is part one of three! We have so much time to fill!
Ugh, and now Susan is freaked out by a bug or some fucking thing, and the TreePeople guy dismisses them, happy that they at least got some of the work done. They head back for the recycling chore, where chef Andi explains the separation of organic and non-organic waste. Ja'Nel curiously pins the disgust factor at a very specific 572,000 times the most disgusting thing you've ever smelled. Then she shrieks upon discovering maggots on the meat. There are several minutes of maggot-related shenanigans, before we go to commercial with a pitchfork made of maggots. Maggots! #maggots
So where we were before the commercial break? Mary enjoying time with her family, and Ja'Nel freaking out about maggots. We do not advance at all. "The faster we can get done, this fucking torture will be behind us, and we can move forward," Ja'Nel says, and then they find "Nedra's head thing" (per Susan), a bandanna in the trash.
Mary returns, pleased to discover that spending time with her family was much more enjoyable than Dumpster-diving. Susan, meanwhile, is discovering that even her jumpsuit-sexiness has its limits, and that limit is handling maggot-encrusted garbage.
Finally Andi ends their misery, Jon lamenting "hippie recycling bastards." The chefs shower and get ready for bed, which means they're about to be summoned to the dining room by Ramsay, half-ready for bed or not. Like Susan, towel wrapped around her head. "At least it's evidence that I've washed myself," she says.
Ramsay says tomorrow night's dinner service will be the most challenging service they've ever had here or in their whole culinary career. They'll be working as one team in one kitchen and there will be another team in the other kitchen, made up of some of the strongest chefs he's ever known. "I need to know how each and every one of you are when you're up against serious competition," he says, and asks if they'd like to meet their competition. Of course they do...
...but that will wait until week.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. Please, take as long as possible to drag out the season. He's going to live forever. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.
Think you've got game? Prove it! Check out Games Without Pity, our new area featuring trivia, puzzle, card, strategy, action and word games -- all free to play and guaranteed to help pass the time until your show starts.