Ramsay kicks the chefs out, and Amanda feels like shit, because she thinks Ramsay should be praising her every night, and instead she's on the chopping block. In the dorms, her teammates agree that Amanda is terrible and needs to step things up.
But tomorrow is another day, and Ramsay enjoys the energy the teams display as they bound into the dining room the morning. He greets them, and tells them he and James and Andi were discussing when they developed a love of cooking, giving Ramsay the chance to show pictures of himself as a teenage chef and soccer player (his hair a perfect floppy follicular wave on his head). Ray expresses surprise that this Scottish soccer player could have turned out to be such a hardass, which when you think about it is among the dumbest things ever said on this show.
Anyway, we're now going to see childhood photos of all the chefs, it appears, starting with Zach and Nedra, and then cycling through the gang, with Ray's the funniest mainly due to their being the greatest amount of time between present-day Ray and young Ray, whose hair is dark black and appears to be going for a '70s lounge-act look.
Then Ramsay shows a picture of a 15-year-old girl named Briana who's going to be celebrating her quinceañera tonight, which is a Latin American tradition celebrating when a girl becomes a woman.
The guest of honor comes in, preceded by mariachis because of course, and is accompanied by her mother and party-planning godmother, who then instruct the chefs to make "fun appetizers" and "lemony" and stuff that's "spicy but not too spicy." And the godmother says they "like to eat meat." Questions from the chefs drag out the fact that they like cheese and steak, and Zach seems to be of the opinion that Briana and her family should just shut up and let them cook.
Anyway, they've got to create two appetizers, one pasta dish, one chicken and one steak entrée, and they've got forty-five minutes to do it.
After the requisite montage of the chefs scrambling, it's time to compare dishes. Cold appetizers: Ja'Nel's mango, cucumber and jalapeno ceviche goes up against Jon's ceviche with lobster, halibut and crab in crispy shells. Briana likes it because she can "taste the lemony" and her godmother likes "the fried on the outside." They pick Blue's appetizer.
Hot appetizers: Cyndi's fried-cheese raviolis (thumbs up because it's "hot and melty") beats Barret's macaroni and cheese balls because he used hot sauce like an idiot. Point to the Red team.
Pasta dish: Nedra's grilled shrimp with herb marinade (is there a pasta in there) versus Ray's three-cheese homemade raviolis. The judges pick Blue two-to-one, and Ray tells us he's the "ravioli fucking king."
Anthony spins a story about preparing the dish he used to eat with his nana: Grilled chicken with refried pinto beans. Briana likes it, but thinks it could have used a little more flavor. Anthony swallows the insults that he clearly wants to let fly, but unloads on us: "Briana! You're fifteen! What do you know about the flavor of chicken?" Mary has made a butterfly chicken with lemon cream sauce and cauliflower puree. The judges make idiotic comments about how it's too soft and "a little too much lemon" and the judges give the edge to Red. The score's tied at two, leaving everything up to the steak.
Amanda versus Michael. She's made a grilled ribeye with some spicy chili peppers "but nothing overpowering." Not too spicy for Briana, who likes the flavor. Michael, you'll be surprised to learn, has a pretty high opinion of his dish, which isn't described for us but appears to be a steak with some kind of corn salsa and matchstick something-or-other. Ramsay thinks it appears raw, and Michael assures him it's not, but the damage is done, as Briana's family of culinary experts all complain about the dish being raw.
After Briana's family leaves, Ramsay crows about Red's total domination of the challenges, and then sends them off to Knott's Berry Farm. They run off giggling, and then Ramsay sighs at the thought of having to deal with these morons again. Unsurprisingly, they've got to prepare Hell's Kitchen for the quinceañera, under the guidance of godmom Josette.
So we cut back and forth between an extended commercial for the awesomeness of Knott's Berry Farm and the men decorating doll centerpieces with tulle. Ray snidely talks about how he never had to do anything like this in the marines, but I hope his task completion rate in the marines was a little better than the one-for-eight performance of the men in the challenges. At one of the carnival games of Knott's, sneaky editing makes it look like the women were picking off targets with the men's faces on them, and not that it was staged or anything.
Back at Hell's Kitchen, Josette is ordering the men around until Barret picks up a chair and pretends like he's going to throw it, proving yet again that there's no non-event that this show can't spin for a commercial bumper that makes it look like something actually happened.
The women return as the men are putting the finishing touches on the dining room and get in a few final taunts, and then everyone gets ready, with Amanda feeling a little squirrelly, feeling like she needs to have a good service.
Ramsay reminds them that this party is a once-in-a-lifetime event, and the appetizers need to go out like clockwork because there's a very important dance that happens afterwards. Zach assures Ramsay that he's "pushing it" tonight, and Ramsay deadpans to everyone else that Zach's pushing things.
The guests arrive, and then Briana makes a grand entrance, and then the chefs get to work. Amanda has some difficulty with a tuna appetizer -- she can't slice it properly. She starts over, and sharpens a knife. Kinda surprised that that hasn't been used yet to try to make it look like murder will be committed.
And apparently the Red and Blue teams are splitting up the duties on the head table? That makes a certain amount of sense in terms of the competition, I suppose. Blue gets their appetizers out first, while Red is still waiting on Amanda, but her second attempt at tuna passes muster. "The quinceañara is off to a reasonable start," says the narrator. Damning with faint praise tonight!
Blue's on point tonight, with Anthony and Jon so moved by their success that they're hugging. They finish up their appetizers while Red still has two tickets left, and then Amanda's tuna is sent back again. She blames Nedra's searing job. Not once, but twice. She's made an enemy for life, right there.
In the dining room, people are still waiting for their food. Briana's looking glum and Josette stomps over to remind everyone that they're waiting on the food so they can do the first dance, and then Nedra and Amanda bump and Nedra drops some food on the floor. "This is an absolute joke," thunders Ramsay. You know, I can't feel a ton of sympathy or think for one second that the chefs are ruining this girl's celebration, mainly because I doubt that if the traditions were that important they wouldn't hold it on a reality show where the head chef screams obscenities at contestants in the background, and there is a very real possibility that guests won't get served.
Post-commercial, we need everything recapped again (I really hate the way this show thinks we're drooling idiots who can't remember anything beyond a commercial break). Nedra throws up her hands and says if Amanda doesn't want help, she won't help, and now Amanda appears to have set fire to a pan. So things could be going better.
So the dire consequences appear to be that ... the first waltz is just going on ahead anyway. It must be nice for the dancing teenagers to have the backdrop of Ramsay screaming at the Red kitchen about how he can't believe they screwed up the easiest fucking appetizers, and Amanda offers an ill-advised, "I'm more embarrassed than you are, trust me." Ramsay tells her to fuck off, a couple of times. He pulls the Red team into the Blue kitchen so he can yell at Red in front of Blue and then to stress the importance of doing entrees properly. Anthony's worried that Ramsay's in a mood now, thanks to Red. But it's not Red's fault that Barret serves up crunchy linguini and Zach's not serving enough garnish. But they get it right on their try.
Then Nedra serves up some dry chicken, and she similarly bounces back on her team. The top table is now done, and the entrees now start going out to the rest of the tables. But in Blue, Zach still isn't cooking enough potatoes for garnish. Ramsay yells at him. "Fucking relax, dude!" Zach tells us. He's ... seen this show before, right?
Red and Blue are down to their last ticket at the same time. And then Barret leaves a charred piece of skewer in a dish. "I'm going to slap myself in the face for the two years because of this pasta," Barret tells us. We'll have to set that aside, as Barret's try is fine, and Blue's last ticket goes out. In Red, Cyndi serves up raw ribeye, so that last table has to wait a little longer.
In the post-mortem, Ramsay reminds them that it was a special event: "Especially painful," he clarifies. He says the losing team is Red, and also Blue, because they were embarrassing tonight.
The teams retire to the dorms to work out who's going up for elimination. Initial talk in Blue are Zach and Barret, while Amanda and Cyndi are suggested in Red, as is Nedra.
When they come back in to the dining room, where Ramsay lays into them again for fucking up the party.
For Blue: Barret, for his pasta performance, and Zach holding up entrees by not firing up enough potatoes. For Red: Amanda on appetizers, and -- a little more difficult, according to Ja'Nel -- Cyndi, because of the ribeyes that came back raw.
The nominated chefs step forward. Cyndi says she should stay because tonight was her worst performance. Once you figure out what she means, it doesn't sound so dumb, not like when Ramsay asks if she gives a shit and she says, "I give a huge shit."
Amanda says she's never given up from Day 1. Ramsay asks her what one does when one is "in the weeds" like that. Amanda correctly answers "take control," which Ramsay reminds her she didn't do tonight.
Zach says he should stay because he's passionate, and unsaid goes the assumption that it would be bullshit to be sent home for not cooking enough potatoes each time tonight.
Barret: "This is what I do, I have such passion for it." I'm not quite sure of his math when he says that if you knock him down a hundred times he gets back up a hundred and one, but never mind.
Ramsay unnecessarily says he's not happy, and wants to send all of them home. He selects Amanda, and I was expecting at least one fakeout, but he makes Amanda surrender her jacket. And then Ramsay says again that tonight was an embarrassment, which is why he's not done. But this show is, at least for this week.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He can't wait to know who won't actually be eliminated at the start of week's show but is put on double-secret probation or something! Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.