Robyn has just been eliminated so we get a little happy Caribbean kettledrum music going on while Dana tells us that it's normally depressing to walk out of the elimination ceremony (even though you survived?) but this time everyone was excited because Robyn was the one eliminated.
The morning, Ramsay cooks up a little comfort food for them: chicken parmesan. We watch him go through all the steps, while the genius contestants tell us that Ramsay has something up his sleeve. Can't put anything past this crew! They've figured out that when their jackets are on and the cameras are rolling, then they're part of a cooking game show! And sure enough, Ramsay says it's time for Hell's Kitchen Cooking School, and they're going to be teaching others to make the dish (and here's hoping Clemenza can keep from telling his student that his own chicken parm makes Ramsay's taste like shit, as he does here).
Dana is excited, because she's a chef instructor who teaches people how to cook. And then in come the students: Kamie Crawford, 18, Miss Teen USA 2010. Despite the fact she's clearly since been supplanted, she's still wearing the sash proclaiming that "accomplishment." Or is it like being President, in that you keep the title for life? Everywhere you go, people refer to you as Miss Teen USA until the day you die? Oh, I see, it's a bunch of Miss Teen USA. Here's 2008, Stevi Perry, 21; 2007, Hilary Cruzy, 22 (WHO ARE YOU DOUBLE-HAND WAVING TO); Teen USA 2006, Katie Blair, 23; and 2005, Allie Laforce, 22. Justin makes horndog comments while also making sure he's not talking about actually having sex with him, like it's even an option for him.
The Miss Teen USAs stand across from the chefs, who are not allowed to touch any ingredients (or the Miss Teen USAs). Some basic lessons have to be imparted, like how to chop an onion, and how they're tongs, not thongs. Barbie, paired up with Hilary, fall far behind, because Hilary is the one who has never chopped an onion before. Hilary can't believe there isn't a machine to do that. There is, Hilary. It's called a KNIFE.
The dishes are plated, and Ramsay's going to judge each of them to decide who came the closest. Christina and Katie make big-breast jokes when the dishes are placed side-by-side. Ramsay says the chicken is cooked perfectly, but there could have been more sauce and less mozzarella. Katie is "super-stoked."
Justin and Kamie's dish has "impact" with delicious sauce, but it's slightly too thick. Dana and Allie visually match up well, but says there's too much mozzarella. Dana shouts at us that there's no such thing. Then we get to Barbie and Hilary, whose dish seems to be the best so far. But they've saved the stout Italian for last, of course, and then of COURSE they play some corny accordion music for us. "I think I have marinara sauce flowing through my fucking veins," Clemenza tells us. If so, then he's going to need heart surgery, because his sauce is too thick, says Ramsay. It's very chunky. Clemenza disagrees, but not to Ramsay's face.
Ramsay says it's tough to pick, and he wants to try Hilary's and Allie's dishes again -- so it's down to Barbie and Dana. After retasting them, he goes with Hilary (and Barbie). "I know I'm a good leader," says Barbie. Hilary seems to confuse this with winning Hell's Kitchen, and says this is going on her resumé. Well, there's probably plenty of space.
Barbie gets to pick one of the other contestants to join her on her prize of a fancy lunch and driving around in Ramsay's new Maserati, while the other contestants have to prep for tomorrow night's Italian night. She picks Justin, and Clemenza at least tells us he'd rather do prep than spend the day with Barbie. Justin is surprised to be picked, but he thinks he and Barbie have bonded. They head off on their trip, but it turns out that Ramsay's not letting any one of these chowderheads drive his car. He's provided a chauffeur for the trip to Ado Ristorante, where Chef Antonio Murè serves them food that he seems to promise will give them orgasms. "As Barbie and Justin reach the climax of their Italian lunch..." Shut up, narrator.
Back in Hell's Kitchen, Clemenza is getting annoyed because Dana and Christina are not as good as he is at rolling dough and making pasta. "WE'RE NEVER GOING TO FINISH MAKING THIS PASTA," Dana yells at us. Meanwhile, Barbie and Justin are kayaking through the Venice canals.
So needless to say, the three losers are in no mood to hear about the prize when Justin and Barbie get back. Justin, in what I think is actually a pretty nice gesture, decides to make supper for the three prep cooks, but because he makes pasta -- and they're sick of having had to roll pasta for the past six hours -- Dana and Christina shit on it outright. Clemenza at least tries it before spitting it out and saying it needs to be cooked more. Everyone goes to bed early.
The day, more prep work, and it's the first time this season that the entire restaurant will be served out of one kitchen, so there's a lot to be done. Clemenza -- Mr. Italiano, Dana reminds us -- decides for some reason to pound the chicken breasts flatter, and the result is much like what happens when you put a penny in one of those machines that makes a stretched-out souvenir coin. Dana rats him out to Chef Scott, who then starts tearing into Clemenza, who seems unconcerned and says he'll kick ass in dinner service, and that's what matters. Scott tells them to get rid of the ridiculously large breasts and they're going to have to bread some more.
The kitchen opens, and in addition to the chicken parm, there's also crab capellini, butternut squash risotto and filet of beef with cavatelli pasta.
Despite being called out last week by chef, and despite often screwing up prep and despite not being able to keep orders straight, this is supposed to be Clemenza's time to shine. He produces two beautiful flatbreads, and Ramsay wants to know how he can be such a disorganized mess yet still produce such great food. Barbie's risottos on the same order are delicious, so the chefs are off to a good start.
And then on the order, Clemenza AGAIN can't repeat the order back right after Ramsay reads it, and Ramsay accuses him of having checked out. Then he says Barbie has switched off after she follows up her great risottos with a shitty one, and then sends another unsalted, undercooked risotto up to the pass, making Ramsay even angrier. Clemenza tries to help make the one, and then argues with Barbie when she wants him to send it up. He finally does, and Ramsay brings it back, dumps it on the counter for being overcooked. He calls it an insult to Italy, which is pretty bad when you consider it's a country that was run by Silvio Berlusconi three times.
Ramsay tells Barbie that if she serves up another risotto like that, she should just do everyone a favor and fuck right on off without being told. Her fourth attempt passes muster, though, and the service seems to smooth out from there, and they move on to entrees for some, while Clemenza and Barbie continue on the remaining appetizers. Dana's on meat, and she's cooking what looks like an entire cow's worth of beef. She winds up burning a couple (not ones that she served up, mind you), and Ramsay gives her a pep talk that either keeps her going or almost makes her breakdown completely. But she pulls her shit together and the filets she serves are good.
But now it's Christina's turn to screw up, on garnish, burning her underseasoned greens. She does better on her second attempt, with Ramsay mocking her for taking so long to figure out it's a good idea to taste what you're cooking.
Amusingly, when they're down to the last table of appetizers, Ramsay bets Barbie and Clemenza a hundred dollars that they won't get the last order right. It's a sucker bet to make, since Ramsay could essentially just award himself a hundred dollars. Fortunately (or not, since Ramsay is pissed off to actually win the bet) Barbie produces a two-much-capellini, not-enough-crab order that makes it an easy call for Ramsay, who begs Barbie to go home, and then sets up kicking kitchen equipment. I feel bad for the two poor young women sitting there at their table, waiting forever for their order. Probably been looking forward to this for months. And here they sit, an hour and a half into dinner service, capellini-less. Well, at least they get to hear Ramsay foaming at the mouth.
Fortunately their attempt is more successful (but now the poor women barely have enough time to eat their appetizers before the entrees are out).
After the dining room is cleared, Ramsay tells them how bitterly disappointed he is (and surprised) that the night went so poorly, and was on the verge of being an embarrassment. He sends them off to the dorms to nominate one person for elimination. Christina's disappointed in herself, enough that she seems practically ready to nominate herself. Clemenza thinks Barbie should go, as does Dana. Justin's torn, because he's tired of mopping up after Clemenza.
When the voting starts, Barbie and Clemenza vote for each other and then start arguing with each other to the extent that you kinda wish they BOTH could go home, especially since Clemenza seems to have forgotten that he was independently screwing up long before he helped Barbie suck at risotto. Justin says a lot of the anti-Barbie criticism is just petty stuff, while Clemenza's a full-on disaster.
Back in the dining room, Ramsay gets a few more digs in on how much they sucked, and he probably would have given them the gears a little bit more had he known that they weren't going to come up with a final nomination. With Dana looking to knock off Barbie, I guess that means either Justin or Christina voted for Clemenza and the other one couldn't decide? Whatever happened, Ramsay, as you may imagine, isn't happy. He asks if anyone has a "pair of [bleep]" to tell the truth.
Dana tells Ramsay they couldn't decide between Clemenza or Barbie, so Ramsay makes them both step forward to say why they should get to stay.
Barbie says she hasn't lost her passion, and she stayed in despite Ramsay showing her the door. Ramsay sneers that she's got no inspiration or leadership qualities, and nothing was correct in her station. He says, despite her claims to the contrary, that she's given up.
As for Clemenza, Ramsay reminds him that this is his seventh time up for elimination, and since they've only had fourteen services, that's a pretty dismal record. Cleemenza says he's done some good, but acknowledges tonight was an embarrassment. But he never quits.
And then Clemenza and Barbie go after each other, and then plead their cases to Ramsay again, and then, after what seems like an eternity, Ramsay picks Clemenza, which doesn't seem a big shock after we're reminded of his fifty per cent nomination rate.
Clemenza strolls out during the hall of shame, saying he's a little embarrassed for getting kicked out on Italian night, although you could argue he's lucky to have made it that far.
The final four trudge back to the dorms, where they find champagne on ice waiting for them, and a note from Ramsay, some bullshit about the best being yet to come. And after they toast each other, someone crosses in front of the camera, and everyone reacts like there's a murderer at loose in the dorms. That seems, sadly, slightly implausible, but we'll find out week who Ramsay threw back in. I bet it turns out to be a meaningless stunt that winds up having no actual impact on the competition!
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. Arrivederci, Clemenza. Don't let the moozadell hit you on your way out the door. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel[at]gmail.com.