So: one jacket to rule them all, one jacket to find them. One jacket to bring them all and in the darkness bind them. The five surviving chefs celebrate while Elise tells us all what an amazing accomplishment she just accomplished, and Will naively hopes that all the shit that went down in the Red Kitchen dies now that the Red Kitchen is gone. He says this like it was the Red Kitchen's fault, like it's the haunted Overlook Hotel. It's tempting to think that Ramsay could easily start murdering people with an axe, I'll admit. Anyway, while the cheftestants drink champagne, everyone pledges profanity-laced allegiance to a no-bullshit-from-here-on-in approach, which will last until the challenge, I imagine.
The morning, the Black Five show up in their new jackets -- which are really white jackets with black trim -- and Ramsay tells them their challenge is all about presentation. They're going to be working with "ugly" food, like meatloaf -- foods that require a lot of work to look good. There are five plates scattered around Hell's Kitchen with ugly dishes labeled on them, and they're all going to have to run to get them for some reason. Is this more entertaining than just randomly drawing the dishes out of a hat? Even with the "wacky" carnival music, I say no. Anyway, Elise is pleased to get eggplant parmesan, and she apparently elbowed Paul and risked him getting a spinal cord injury by falling down the stairs.
They have fifty minutes, and I'm briefly concerned that this is going to be a 24-style real-time episode. They get to cooking, and Paul is pissed that Elise has so many plates going. This, to him, makes her a pain in the ass. He may not be wrong, but you'd think that reason is far down Elise's lengthy list.
Time's up! Ramsay's brought an "esteemed" panel of judges, but not so esteemed that anyone's going to know who they are. They are: Lesley Bargar Suter, the "dine editor" of L.A. Magazine, like shut up, L.A. Magazine masthead; Susie Heller, cookbook author (she's worked with Julia Child, Ramsay tells us. Too bad you couldn't get her!); Valerie Aikman-Smith, food stylist, like that's a real job; Deborah Jones, award-winning food photographer, ditto; Eric Greenspan, executive chef and owner of The Foundry on Melrose. I couldn't think of a mean-spirited thing to say about him. Everyone claps politely.
Tommy's first up, delicately carrying his chicken and dumplings. Everyone will be judged on presentation and then on taste, with a perfect score being 100. Tommy has the chicken and dumplings sitting in broth with roasted red onions petalled out to resemble water lilies. The judges all love the presentation, but the dumplings are undercooked. He scores 44 on presentation, but just 30 on taste.
Paul's with his tuna casserole, in a brown ring on the plate. One of the judges likes it, comparing it to a crab cake, but another says it looks like cat food. The taste of the tuna is a little heavy, says one of the judges. Yeah, you hate to taste the tuna in a tuna casserole. A judge asks if he used fresh or canned tuna -- it was canned, which is a no-no, of course. Paul doesn't really defend himself, but I'm wondering if there was fresh tuna available. I think by this point Paul would know well enough to use it. Anyway, just 33 on presentation, and only 27 on taste.
Then there's Jennifer's lasagna, which she tells the judges is ironic because she hates lasagna, and I would be completely thrilled to know that the chef hates what I'm about to eat. Elise does her impression of Jennifer saying this, and she apparently thinks Jennifer sounds like Red Foxx. Anyway, it's all dressed up with peppers on top. One judge says she likes the color, but it's confusing because she doesn't know what she's looking at. And the judges aren't thrilled with the taste. She gets 28 on presentation, and 24 on taste. "These judges seriously ripped me apart," Jennifer tells us, in case any of us missed it.
In stark contrast to Jennifer's sweaty self-esteem sabotage, Elise is quite confident the judges will love her eggplant parmesan, what with her being god's gift to cuisine. "The dish you're about to enjoy is called 'Tower of Eggplant Parmesan,'" Elise tells the judges. Jennifer rolls her eyes. Look, telling the judges you hate what you just cooked them isn't for everybody, Jennifer. It's grilled and piled high and the judges love the look, and they all praise the taste as well. She gets 42 for presentation, 44 for taste.
So it's down to Will's meatloaf, one of the most comforting foods in the world, he says. He made bacon-wrapped meatloaf, and that ... is really all I need to hear. The sauce is fresh morel and ketchup jus. One of the judges says the sauce doesn't look great, but they all seem to love the taste. He gets 38 for presentation, meaning he'll need to be almost perfect on taste, and he does just that: 49 on taste.
His prize is a "phenomenal dining experience" at some of L.A.'s most unique restaurants, but since Ramsay says it's no fun to dine alone, Will gets to choose one of his chefs to join him. He says he'll do the honorable thing (and nothing makes a deed more honorable than telling everyone that what you're doing is honorable) and take Elise, since she finished second. This makes her giddy. In an interview, Paul begrudgingly says it was the right thing to do -- but he himself would not have taken Elise. Ramsay tells them there's a chauffer-driven Rolls Royce Phantom out there, which makes Elise say -- I think -- "Ballers!" as she high-fives Will, who is doing his best to not appear like a big clumsy white guy who doesn't know how to high-five undorkily.
As for the rest of them, it's laundry day -- washboards, clotheslines, the whole thing. Elise and Will get ready to go out, with Will explaining that he hopes doing something nice will be good for morale. I posit that murdering Elise would be good for morale, but I assume that's against the rules (and certainly the spirit) of the show.
So they pull up at Spago, owned of course by Wolfgang Puck, and then they sit down and have some sort of crazily presented layered-beets thing, and ... I'm sorry, but is Will REALLY not going to take off his goddamn baseball hat? He's in a nice restaurant, eating good food (in the presence of Mr. Puck himself), and he's going to leave his stupid backwards baseball cap on? His SWEAT-STAINED backwards baseball cap? What is WRONG with him? He has hair, we see it in the credits! I can't even speak, this makes me so angry. And it makes me sad when I see a woman out for dinner with her husband or boyfriend, and the occasion is not sufficiently special enough for him to remove his Yankees cap for ninety goddamn minutes. I mean, how far away are from seeing wedding pictures with guys in baseball hats?
Anyway, the losers are doing laundry and complaining about it, with Jennifer befuddled by Tommy's particular brand of crack-fuelled enthusiasm. And Elise and Hat Sweat have moved on to The Foundry, where Eric Greenspan has made them a special dish and Will STILL hasn't removed his gross hat. Anyway, Will and Elise have a conversation about leaving the drama behind, with Will not outright blaming Elise for anything, and Elise not outright admitting to anything. She also tells us that she doesn't have to explain herself to anyone.
Anyway, the tour of L.A.'s most unique restaurants appears to stop at two restaurants, because now we're back at Hell's Kitchen and Ramsay is sitting in Hell's Study and calling the dorm to tell Elise that he wants everyone in their black jackets in the kitchen urgently. When they get down there, he tells them that tomorrow night they're competing as a team against a team made up of black jacket-wearers from seasons. "Awesome," says Will, nodding.
Ramsay brings out the ringers: Ben, who finished fourth in Season 5 and who appears to have lost some weight since then. Jennifer says she had a crush on him. Then there's Tennille, who finished fourth in Season 6. "I remember Tennille. She's a strong woman, she's tough as nails. I want to be just like her." Try to guess who says that. From Season 8: Trev, who finished fourth. Also from Season 8: Jillian of the tattooed eyebrows, who finished third. Grinning, Ramsay tells them to brace themselves for the one: Van, who finished sixth in Season 6. "Yeah, baby! Game time! Game time!" he screams as he comes galumphing through the doors.
Ramsay welcomes them all back, and then there is some sad attempt at trash-talking, which Ramsay instigates by saying the returning chefs are here to kick their asses. Elise says she hopes they brought their sunglasses, because they're about to shine. Tennille snaps back that she just brought bodybags (because she's going to murder each and every one of them). Paul tells us that each of the returning competitors has something to prove because they didn't make it to the end.
Ramsay lays out the rules: the teams will be serving a dinner of their own design, which they have one hour to come up with, starting now. The teams break off to plan, with the returning chefs swaggering a bit much for a team which features no one who finished higher than third. Especially Van, who finished worst than any of his opponents will.
Anyway, the vets seem relatively harmonious as they design the menu, and then we go over to the current chefs, which has Elise writing down appetizer suggestions but getting snitty when she feels like the menu is being dominated by any one person (which she seems to feel when anyone else gets a word in edgewise).
Eventually, Jennifer has to stand up and scream at her to shut up, which is as effective as you imagine it will be, and then Will gets all "Hulk smash!" and shakes a chair and yells that this is exactly what he was talking about when he said he didn't want the Red Team's bullshit coming over here. "You HAD to have been the problem," he tells Elise. "I'm not the problem because I'm still here," says Elise, who is apparently completely unfamiliar with how competitive reality shows often work. Will angrily tries to take the marker so he can write "Elise's Menu" at the top of the page. Tommy amicably says he's happy to make an Elise-designed menu but he's going to vote for her to go if they lose.
Will's not quite so on board with that idea. He decides he's going home right there, and stomps out, a heartbroken Jennifer all "Oh no, Will! Don't go!" It's kind of amusing, and a disgusted Elise tells her to quit with the theatrics. She doesn't mind seeing Will go, because it's less competition.
"There's just something Elise that lights my fuse, but I came here to win. I've gotta stay focused on the prize," he says, adding that if that entails removing himself from the situation, then that's what he'll do.
Meanwhile, on the vets' side, it's all sunshine, lollipops and rainbows, with a menu they all seem happy with, as opposed to the current chefs' menu, drenched in blood and bile, with Elise quizzing Paul on whether he actually likes the menu or if it's just fine, and Jennifer going to go throw up while Tommy is nowhere to be found.
Things seem a little less tense in the Black Team's kitchen in the morning (I'm going to call them that, and call the vets the Vets, even though the Vets are actually wearing all black) as everyone prepares, but it seems like a walking-on-eggshells situation. Ben from the Vets explains that the advantage for them is they can just focus on the food since they're not concerned with anyone getting eliminated. He doesn't know that another advantage they have is not having Elise on their team. For their part, Paul says he's not going to pretend they're all BFFs with Elise now, but they have to pull it together. He just doesn't want to see another blowup.
Hell's Kitchen is open for business! Will and Tommy are leading the Black team on appetizers, which also means that Will is leading Tommy, who is, according to Elise, Will's "little bitch boy."
Over in the Vets, Trev tells us he's more confident, and more calm, cool and collected. But we get some tuba oompa-oompaing underneath clips of him running around decidedly uncalm. Then he sends out a salad too early. Not a huge deal.
The Black team, however, does well on appetizers and has moved on to entrées. Elise seems to be constantly asking Paul if her meat looks OK, which to Paul indicates that she doesn't know what she's doing. However, Ramsay's pleased with her entrees. Not so much in the Vets' kitchen, where Tennille serves up some cold fish. Then she serves up overcooked tuna. In Black, Paul brings up some overcooked lobster. And so now it's Elise's turn to talk about how Paul talks a good game but doesn't deliver, while she's been a leader since Day 1. And there's a lot of bickering between Elise and Paul over how much time he needs to get his dishes up to the pass.
The Vets seem to be getting it together now, while Paul's holding things up with his lobster. "I'm looking for a leader, not a line cook!" Ramsay yells at him, which prompts him to start pushing back at Elise. Then Van yells a bunch of stuff at us and says "Woo!" which may make for some amusing television, but it doesn't actually help cook his lamb, which he fucks up. He doesn't seem super-concerned about it. He should be, because David Krumholtz of Numbthreeers is in the dining room! You don't fuck up lamb for David Krumholtz!
Chef calls both teams to the pass to show them that both teams have just three tickets left, sending them into a tizzy as they race to finish first. But then Jennifer serves up some ice-cold bok choy, so Will takes it upon himself to look after the refire.
The teams finish at roughly the same time, and Ramsay gathers them again to tell them they've all proved worthy of the black jacket. He's got some serious thinking to do.
After the dining room has cleared out, Ramsay addresses the assembled chefs, telling them again they did a great job. So he's gone through the customer comment cards, which contain one question that will determine the winner. Is it "Marry/Fuck/Kill/Make Head Chef at BLT"? No, it's, "Would you return?" Ramsay tells us one kitchen's customers had an 80 percent "Yes" response, while the other's was at 96 percent.
After the commercial, we learn that the winning team is the current chefs, which sends them hugging and high-fiving each other. Not so many "woo"s from Van, who is a little bummed because he had a second chance and still didn't get to shine, but he doesn't mind letting the other team have their victory, because he's an executive chef now. "I'm an executive now!" he says.
Still, Ramsay's happy about the Vets, and he sends them off in a good mood. Unfortunately, though, he still has to get the current chefs to go back to the dorm to come up with two people to put forward for elimination. Elise says, "Whaaaaat?" because I guess she thought that all five of them would get to win this season now.
p>They head back to the dorm to hash it out. Tommy suggests Paul and Jennifer. Paul and Will wants to send Elise up because of the way she made menu selection a nightmare. A shouting match ensues between Elise and Paul, and then everyone scatters. "Fuck that bitch, bro," mutters Will.Then, weirdly, Jennifer, saying she feels like this is her last night there, pulls Paul aside to tell him he's adorable and that she's had a crush on him since they got there, and he politely rebuffs her by reminding her that she's from Boston and he's from New York, and then they hug and it's all cool.
Anyway, they gather back in the dining room for the elimination, and the first nominee is Jennifer, because she had food sent back, and the other nominee is Elise, amusingly announced by Elise herself. "Because I'm overly abrasive," she deadpans.
Jennifer talks about how she's a better leader than Elise, but that notion is shot down by Ramsay who says she's a little TOO quiet for him. Elise starts yammering on about how she's up there because everyone is intimidated by her, and Will has to yell for her to get over herself.
Anyway, Ramsay tells Jennifer to take off her jacket -- because it's filthy, and she needs to have it washed before she cooks again. He also fakes out Elise, which means that this is a non-elimination episode and we have to see all these clowns again week. Particularly chagrined is Jennifer. Not so much because Elise is still around, but because she's still there after confessing her love to Paul. I'm trying to think of something that might be more embarrassing to hitting on a guy on a television show. Maybe literally shit one's pants? That comes close.
>
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He always takes his baseball cap off at Spago. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.