So it was a good night in Hell's Kitchen. You can tell because Ramsay is smiling as he says "Get out of here" and doesn't add "Fuck off" like he usually does, which amounts to a goodnight kiss.
Back in the dorm, everyone has a good laugh at Jennifer's crush on Paul, which appears to somehow survive even as Paul's lifting of his jacket to massage his own nipple, whatever THAT'S supposed to be. Paul can't just say he's not into Jennifer but talks about how she's from Boston and how his dream girl would be a Jets fan. Well, there's something to be said for being polite, I suppose, but I suspect this has more to do with Paul being a coward.
There is some talk of the confidence the Black team is supposed to have after defeating a team of a bunch of other failed contestants. Yeah, I'm not sure how that's supposed to work either. The morning, Ramsay tells them, "Chefs become heroes when they're able to take an ingredient and turn it into something with incredible value, right?" This tortured, nonsensical premise is really just a lead-in to Ramsay talking about having an Alaskan white salmon fall from the sky -- and one does, plopping right onto the table in front of him, hopefully causing little pants-shitting. (Except for Elise, because I think it would do her some good.)
Ramsay talks about the price of the salmon versus how many portions it contains and the price of each portion translating into profit, a basic calculation that appears to go right over Elise's head, which to be fair is only about four feet off the ground. Anyway! The point of this challenge is to garner the highest price for their piece of Alaskan salmon, and they have thirty minutes to do it. Jennifer in particular seems to be lost, poaching the fish with the skin off, which Will tells us is a no-no.
So the dishes are plated, and Ramsay trots out his judges: the general manager of Nobu L.A., Justin Wyborn; the general manager of Providence, Donato Poto; and the maitre d' of Mr. Chow. The names of the restaurants if not the men themselves appear to spark some recognition in our contestants, who clap dutifully. Will says it's awesome to show these judges what he's about. He will be simmering his salmon in a broth of cigarette ash and baseball cap brim.
Will's up first. The judges are to estimate the price they'd expect to see each dish go for on a menu, and then they'll average that out. Will's pan-roasted his fish with a potato and garlic stew. Skin a little crispy, a little salty, but overall pretty good. The judges estimate the price of his dish to be $30, $28 and $28. It's a little fishy, if you'll pardon the expression, that the judges aren't writing these down in secret instead of the third judge getting a chance to hear what the first two guys say, but no one ever said Hell's Kitchen had to be fair. Average price is $28.67.
Elise serves up macaroni and cheese with her salmon, because what screams "expensive!" like macaroni and cheese? What, was she all out of French fries? When a judge asks why she served pasta with it, the best she can come up with is, "Because that's what I wanted to go with?" The judges, after complaining about the way she's sliced the salmon ("It looks like a dog chewed it," says Ramsay) and the overpowering flavor of the pasta: $27, $22 and $24 for an average price of $24.33. She pouts off.
Tommy is very excited about his pan-roasted salmon with the pomegranate anise ver blanc (and I am always mildly surprised when Tommy comes up with something like that) but the judges are less enthused. "I want to like this dish more than I did," says one. They give him an average of $25.33.
Paul brings up salmon with romanesca, which the judges all like and give him an average price of $29.67, so he edges out Will and gives him the chance to use a baseball metaphor in an interview, and let's all just assume he meant Little League.
Part of the reason they've hammered the Jennifer loves Paul storyline this episode is so that they can make a big deal about Jennifer now going up against Paul with her dish of poached salmon with oyster broth. Ramsay's a little surprised at the poaching, but she says she did it because everyone else was searing it, and she wanted to stand out. I'm just impressed that she's not sabotaging herself by warning the judges beforehand how much it's going to suck.
The judges all really like it, despite the lackluster presentation. The first two judges give prices of $29, which means the last one will have to price it at $32 for her to win, and we'll do it after the commercial break.
All that "tension" turns out to be utterly manufactured (in a surprise move for this show), because that judge comes in at $27, so Jennifer finishes behind Will, never mind Paul, with $28.33.
So Paul wins, earning himself a private helicopter trip with Ramsay and lunch at a fancy-schmancy restaurant. He gets to pick someone to join him. Jennifer, who is still inexplicably smitten with the guy for whom her crush is a major source of comic relief, hopes he picks her, but he goes with Tommy, who says the word "bromance," just in case you've been finding him less annoying lately. Paul jokes about not taking Elise because he'd be too tempted to push her out of the helicopter. Anyway, the losers have to polish the stemware and generally get the bar ready, as well as prepping Paul's dish for service tonight.
Much grumbling ensues among the glass polishers, broken up by Paul sauntering through the kitchen wearing a pink shirt, which causes much merriment among guys who are much too old to still be finding humor in gay panic. And then Will teases Jennifer some more, and Elise is outraged because she doesn't think the other two losers are as sufficiently outraged as she is. Also, Tommy brags about how hot he is, so he's not surprised Paul picked him. You know, I rarely hope for fatal helicopter accidents while I'm watching television, but I'm willing to make an exception in this case. Come on! Let's make it Hell's Kitchen: Blackhawk Down! I think everyone could get behind that! Well, maybe not Paul's and Tommy's famili-- no, everyone could get behind that.
Anyway, the three amigos take what is admittedly a breathtaking ride -- Tommy appears white-knuckled the entire time -- over the water and the L.A. skyline, culminating in a rooftop landing and a champagne toast. No fatalities thus far, which doesn't seem right, karmically speaking.
Back at Hell's Kitchen, Elise is shirking scaling duty, using the tried and true copout "I'm no good at it." Will seems frustrated by it, whereas Jennifer says she's used to Elise pulling this non-cooperative bullshit during punishments. For her part, Elise says she don't need to be smelling like fish, which decorum requires I leave alone.
Over to the Water Grill, Paul and Tommy grill with executive chef Amanda, and Paul pops a boner over how hot she is, despite the fact we don't hear her swear allegiance to New York-based sports teams. He is either very awkward at flirting, or the editing is really making it appear like he is (and the jarring record-scratch and cricket sound effects really are overkill). Paul's much cockier in an interview, telling us he has a place for Amanda to sit, and all I can say is thank GOD he only said his lap.
What was I saying about Paul being polite to Jennifer? That goes out the window when he and Tommy come back and Paul stands in the kitchen talking about how "smokin' hot" Amanda is. Jennifer looks unhappy, but the sad part is it looks like her crush isn't going away any time soon.
And before we know it, Hell's Kitchen is open for business, and Tito Jackson is in the house! Definitely my favorite Tito, after Puente. It's the first time one kitchen will be responsible for the dinner service. Jennifer figures it's time for her to step up and lead, but then she clams up on the appetizer station. Like even TOMMY is yelling at her to communicate more. He's caught off-guard when she runs some risotto up to the pass, so he scrambles to finish the accompanying capellini before Ramsay kills him. But when he takes it up, it's raw. "Start again, all of you!" Ramsay yells.
When Ramsay spits that no one cares tonight, we're treated to utter silence from the appetizer station. "There's your fight back," he sneers. Jennifer brings up risotto, and then Ramsay angrily brings it back, ordering everyone to taste it. Jennifer almost has a heart attack, but he's just fucking with 'em, because that is how risotto is SUPPOSED to taste, he tells them.
Still, Jennifer is having a tough time handling her shit, and her distrust (admittedly justified) of Elise isn't helping things. They bicker back and forth about Elise's scallops, which aren't ready when Jennifer needs them to go with her risotto, and by the time Elise's scallops are done, Jennifer's risotto is burned. Their sniping causes both and Tommy to scream at them about not fighting, and Will has to be the calm voice of reason, but he seems to blame Jennifer for wrecking the risotto.
They get it right -- with better communication -- on their second try. But disaster strikes when Ramsay decides to start pushing out entrees while there are still some tables getting appetizers. Elise dries out the two salmon dishes needed for a table, and then blames everyone else but her for the fact that she doesn't know how to cook Paul's dish. And despite Paul's and Ramsay's repeated entreaties for her to cook the salmon on its skin, she keeps flipping it over. Ramsay breaks his own rule about not sending out half a table's order, figuring good salmon is coming right along, but the minutes go by and thing we know, half the order went out fourteen minutes ago and Ramsay is sarcastically applauding Elise for saying she'll cook it skin side down.
The diners are getting antsy. One guy actually references the fact they're down to the final five, which you'd think would mean they'd have their food by now. Fortunately for Elise, the order has no fish. Ramsay suggests she sit down and put her lip gloss on. Paul and Will send out a perfect six-top of meat. Their competence is contrasted with Beavis and Butthead, aka Jennifer and Tommy, who keep messing up the appetizers. More undercooked capellini. And despite her staggering lack of success thus far with the fish, Elise is ignoring all of Tommy's suggestions, including such common-knowledge ones as searing on high heat, not medium. Her main reason for ignoring him appears to be that she doesn't want it to seem like it's Tommy to the rescue, so she doesn't even appear to recognize her own deficiency when her salmon sticks to the pan -- after she dismissed Tommy's suggestion to use a non-stick pan.
Anyway, an exasperated Ramsay says the salmon (remember, this is still the order due to a table that already had its other meat go out) better be perfect, or he's shutting everything down. Paul laments that Elise can't work on a team: "She's drowning and she smacks the hand that's trying to save her."
So Elise delivers the salmon. Ramsay brings it back. You can tell it's not a fakeout when he orders everyone to stick their fingers in it. That's how they'll know it's raw. You know what that means! Fuck off on out of there, guys. There's very little protest from the chefs as they stomp out. Ramsay gets to work in the kitchen with his sous-chefs, and then sends Andi to go fetch Will and Paul to bring them back in. You can only imagine the elation the two of them must feel. On the patio, Tommy feels slighted for not being asked back as well, apparently forgetting his uninspiring work on appetizers. "It's my fault," bemoans Jennifer. Elise stares at her. I presume she's confused because she doesn't know what "It's my fault" means, having never considered uttering the phrase herself.
"Redemption! Spelled P-A-U-L!" crows Paul, and the rest of the service goes smoothly. And in what can only be a happy ending, Tito Jackson gets his food.
After everything's wrapped up, Ramsay reminds the assembled chefs that last night, with the same five chefs, was the best service they'd had, but this was not at all the same team. He tells them to fuck off and leave him alone. Four of the five turn to go, but Tommy stays behind, demanding to know why he didn't come back in. Ramsay angrily tells him to fuck off, or he'll stick Tommy's head in the oven and talk to him through the burner. I'd recap that for free! "Do it!" challenges Tommy, and we go to commercial, like we're going to see anything other than more Ramsay swearing when we get back.
Actually, back from commercial, we don't get even that. "Please don't rub any more salt in the wound," says Ramsay, and Tommy skulks out of the kitchen.
In the dorm, the chefs quickly agree that Jennifer and Elise should be sent up for elimination. Elise herself even agrees, but it seems to be mainly because she's not worried about her chances against Jennifer. Still, she then asks to talk to Will privately. "Oh, here we go," mutters Jennifer.
Elise pulls Will aside to tell ask him for a favor: to defend her to the end, since she's a better chef than Jennifer and deserves better than fifth place. She promises to have his back in return. Will tells us in an interview that he's going to tell it like he sees it, but his nodding and fist-bumping with Elise conveys a slightly less honest approach. And then Elise pulls Paul aside to ask him the same thing, even throwing in to Paul that she knows he's a better chef than she is.
Back in the group, Jennifer knows exactly what Elise is up to. Too bad she doesn't respond with anything more than mimicking Elise. "After all she's put us through, Will and Paul are smart enough not to fall for Elise's shit," Jennifer tells us.
So: back to the kitchen, where Jennifer and Elise are indeed put on the chopping block. Ramsay orders them to step forward. Ramsay tells Jennifer that it was her worst performance, so why should she stay? Jennifer talks about her cooking and her organization while acknowledging her lack of communication. Ramsay wants to know how she'll command a team if she can't talk to the person right to her.
As for Elise, she says SHE should stay because she's "just getting started" and a good communicator in the kitchen, raising Tommy's eyebrows. Then she argues with Jennifer about whether she argued with anyone tonight. Ramsay interrupts the endless bickering to talk about the big problem he has. "I have a chef who can't shut the fuck up, and a chef who can't talk."
So he asks Paul who the weakest chef is. Paul groans. He hems and haws, and Jennifer and Elise turn to look at him. When we come back from commercial, Will puts his hand up to say that solely based on cooking, he thinks Elise is a stronger cook than Jennifer. "Are you fucking serious?" asks a surprised Jennifer. With Will having already spoken up, Ramsay asks Paul if he has balls enough to give an answer, and Paul likewise says Elise. "You are fucking kidding me," says Jennifer, and Paul protests he's just being honest. "You better HOPE I fucking go home," she snaps at him, which is something I'm sure he agrees with. Crush officially over! And then apparently Ramsay asks Tommy if he has a penis, and Tommy grabs his crotch. He says Elise is the weaker cook. "Finally, someone who's fucking honest," says Jennifer.
Jennifer says they're all scared of Elise, but there's not much left for Ramsay to do but bring the axe down on her. Elise runs back to the group and gives Will a hug.
"The heart is amazing. The palate is extraordinary. I just don't think you're ready to run a team. You're a lady, and you don't like fighting," says Ramsay, whereupon Jennifer turns around to basically call everyone out, since she's got a better palate and is a better cook than Elise. "You didn't show it in the challenge!" taunts Elise. Except ... she DID do better in the challenge than Elise, who truly has a spectacularly selective memory. Will and Paul are all "be cool!" to Elise, and Jennifer surrenders her jacket. "Keep your head up, Jennifer!" calls out Elise as Jennifer walks out. In response, Jennifer says "Fuck you" and flips her the bird without even looking over her shoulder. "I guess she don't like me no more," says Paul.
Outside, Jennifer says they're all lucky she's gone, because she would have kicked all their asses. That has to be my favorite sentiment of an eliminated contestant on any reality show. Jennifer: you were there. We saw you emphatically not kick any of their asses. Where would you be doing this promised ass-kicking if not on the show from which you were just eliminated?
Back in Hell's Kitchen, the guys look a little glum at the fact that by eliminating Jennifer, they still have Elise on their team. Paul says if he's being played, it's going to come back to bite her on the ass. Elise actually refers to her scheming as a brilliant moment. "We all have them, just not as good as meeeee!" she sing-songs. Will says he was just being honest and that Elise is a better cook.
Ramsay: "Jennifer finally found her voice in Hell's Kitchen. Unfortunately, it was when she was being eliminated."
Two hours week, y'all! One way or the other, Elise will be off our screens after that.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He wishes someone would take Elise out, with terminal finality. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.