Elise gets us to a great start by bragging about how she's become so much more humble since she's been here. Also, her grasp of irony is unparalleled! I don't know when that interview took place, but it's juxtaposed with her all but popping some champagne after not being eliminated. This rubs a couple of the other women the wrong way, especially Jennifer, who points out that Gina just got sent home without getting a chance to defend herself, so it's not really celebration time. Elise, meanwhile, is screaming, "I'm a killah!"
The morning, Ramsay gleefully announces that everyone's starting with a clean slate, because for the first time ever they're hosting a high school reunion, Culver City High class of '91. I'm not sure how the two are connected. Jamie starts talking about how much she loved high school, because she met all her best friends there, and she wishes she could go back. Hey, I loved high school too, but I don't think I've ever met anyone interesting who wants to go back to high school. Paul sure doesn't, because he points out that anyone who thinks that high school years are the best years of your life never went to college. Translation: He lost his virginity in college, not high school.
Anyway, the reunion committee members are going to be discussing the menu with Elizabeth and Paul. Carrie, feeling cocky simply because she sucked less yesterday, calls Elizabeth a space cadet. Will, meanwhile, has nothing but confidence in Paul, which is surprising, because Paul doesn't even wear a backwards baseball cap, so I'm not sure how much it is possible for Will to trust him.
So Paul and Elizabeth meet with the three committee members, who are somewhat aggressively banal in their wish to "recreate a luau" with maybe pork and scallops. One of the members declares she only eats fish, so it comes off as a big faux pas when Elizabeth asks how she feels about doing some surf 'n' turf. Paul says Elizabeth daydreams, and Elizabeth says she hasn't cooked a lot of Hawaiian but Asian is very similar. Oh. Oh, no. Oh, this isn't going to go well for the Red Team at all.
So the chefs head back down to the kitchen, where each team has forty-five minutes to create a tasting menu while the committee members go back to discussing who got fat and who went bald.
And Elizabeth reports to her team that they "definitely said they wanted Asian" and they discuss bacon-wrapped scallops, and Jennifer suggests sliced roasted pork tenderloin. Jamie suggests Asian noodles, which Elizabeth pooh-poohs in favor of lentils, which Jamie points out aren't really Asian. This leads Jamie to suspect Elizabeth didn't have the right information, or at least it does now that she's doing an interview afterwards with the benefit of hindsight.
Things are going much better with Paul's team; he's correctly told them that the women want Hawaiian, with pork, and also explains why Will's suggestion of surf 'n' turf won't work. Not that everything goes perfectly; Monterray is struggling to determine what goes with what, etc., but it's too early for anyone to be yelling at him.
In the Red kitchen, Carrie explains to us that she doesn't mind taking other people's suggestions, even though we watch her shoot down everything Jennifer suggests, both ingredient and presentation-wise for the tuna-avocado-whatever they're making. Jennifer resents being paired with the "flirty mimbo" -- isn't a "mimbo" a "male bimbo"? "I wasn't feelin' it," says Jennifer. And Elise drops a scallop, but they still have four to wrap bacon around, which is going to go over gangbusters.
Time's up, and Ramsay introduces the women to the chefs: Jenna, Diallo, and Lynn. He mentions the Hawaiian theme, and the Red Team does an admirable job of keeping their eyes from bugging out, as this is the first time they've heard the word "Hawaiian" spoken.
Appetizers are up first. "Are you kidding? They wanted Hawaiian? We're going to look like idiots going up there with these Japanese dishes," says Jamie, a little confused as to how people perceive them anyway, what with the yelling and the screaming and the soupy risotto and veal/filet mignon...shall I go on?
Natalie brings out ahi tuni and ono poke, on a toasted crustini. Diallo said it was the perfect bite, and Jenna likewise likes the consistency of the fish. Look, you're organizing a high-school reunion. People are going to be getting drunk and trying to hook up with their high school crushes twenty years down the road. No one's going to be standing there saying, "Jesus, Deaner, taste this fish! That motherfucker's consistent!"
For the Red Team, Carrie presents their "own spin" on tuna tartare, with avocado and chilis and wontons. The women don't hate it, but they're not sure about the guacamole with the fish. Worse for Red Team is that as soon as one of the committee members opens her mouth, Carrie interrupts and babbles, trying to be agreeable and flexible on correcting the dish, but annoying. Ramsay politely tells her to wait until the women have finished offering their constructive criticism. In the kitchen, the Red Team mutter that they want Carrie to shut the fuck up. It's not really close even without Carrie's yammering, and the women unanimously pick Blue Team's appetizer. Carrie, for her part, can't believe she got beaten by a crustini. Part of Carrie's problem is that, you know, she thinks she got beaten by a crustini.
Entrees! Krupa brings up a nut-crusted pork loin with lentils and blanched bok choy. She sounds defeated even as she presents the Hawaiian bok choy-lentil dish. Jenna likes it, but she's all, "How is this Hawaiian?" and Ramsay seconds that emotion. Krupa just glumly clears her throat, while the rest of the team exchange glances.
Monterray's pork tenderloin with the mango-pineapple chutney is the wild-card, according to Paul. Ramsay looks at the small portion and wonders if Monterray's putting the women on a diet. Monterray lamely says he wanted something that was "light and fulfilling." But the women love it and think the portion size is perfect. Point for the Blue Team, clinching the challenge. Monterray returns to the kitchen to backslapping and grins, while Ramsay jokes that the secret to bringing out Monterray's cooking is to put three women in front of him.
So now the only question is whether the Blue Team can make it a clean sweep. They bring out the fish. Elise's looks great -- barbecue-seared scallops with guava chipotle sauce and bacon lardons. Diallo's all, "Did you say bacon?" and Elise blithely explains that yes, the bacon is in the sauce, and so Diallo passes. Ramsay reminds Elizabeth that Diallo's pescatarian. "Did you forget?" No good answer to THAT question. Yes, you're an idiot. No, you don't give a shit. She stammers out no answer, and Ramsay buries his head in his hands.
"I was under the impression we could mix them," she finally says, so we flashback to when she ASKED if they could mix them, and was told that no, they couldn't. Oh, the cruelty of the sinisterly-tinged flashback! "Elizabeth gave us the wrong ingredients, the wrong theme. Everything is wrong," says Jamie. And to top it all off, the women don't even like what's been given: too barbecuey, with undercooked scallops. Too barbecuey? That doesn't make any sense! NO SUCH THING AS TOO BARBECUEY! Take it back, Culver City High class of '91!
Anyway, this is a cinch for the Blue Team, with Will's great-looking banana-leaf-wrapped steamed opah (also known as Hawaiian moonfish) with a coconut-chili-lime maha sauce. The women declare it amazing and delish and gorgeous, and they love it so much they start flirting with Will. "I still think about it afterwards. I feel it in my mouth," says Jenna. I mean, come ON.
Elise is now wondering if Elizabeth was actually wearing earplugs during the meeting, while Paul is excited that not only did they get a clean sweep, but he LED them to that clean sweep. And the prize: "You'll be spending the day on a magnificent super-yacht." Four levels, including a Jacuzzi, and a fully stocked bar. Monterray says it feels like fireworks are going off inside him.
As for the women, they have to decorate the restaurant in a Hawaiian theme for the reunion. Hawaiian theme, hey? I guess that means Elizabeth's going to want to stock up on gongs and paper fans.
Elise natters at Elizabeth while the women clean the kitchen, with Elizabeth saying the women definitely said "Asian." "I know that 100 per cent," she says, despite, you know, Blue Team making Hawaiian dishes and the baffled women pointing out Red Team's lack of Hawaiian food. Oh, and also? She figured the bacon was OK because they suggested pork as an entrée. Elizabeth is in utter denial as she explains that the women lost because their dishes weren't good enough, and not because she brought back the wrong information. I mean, that's just staggeringly dumb. That's like smoking-while-gassing-up-your-car dumb.
Meanwhile, the Blue Team is on a boat, with captain's hats and waterproof digital cameras. "This is what it feels like to be better than everybody else," says Tommy, when all they really had to do was pay attention to a few committee members.
The Red Team's decorating, but "as usual," according to Carrie, Elise isn't doing much helping, but talking an awful lot. Jennifer says Elise is really good at pretending to help.
Blue Team! Drinking champagne in a hot tub and talking about how they got each others' backs, and Natalie talks about all the respect she commands from the men, demonstrated by Paul taking a picture of her ass as she gets out of the hot tub. And back at Hell's Kitchen, after the Blue Team has returned and gloated in front of the Red Team, a drunk Natalie poses for cheesecake photos for the men while standing in the fountain. She's very proud of herself and appreciates the horndog comments they make, since they miss their wives and girlfriends. This is what she says; this is too depressing to even make fun of.
The morning, the Blue Team is a little tired and green around the gills, while the Red Team struggles to make a massive three-layer luau cake. Carrie has somehow come to the conclusion that no one else gives a shit except for her, and Elise calls her out on that nonsense. (Despite her own big mouth being a badge of honor for Elise, she's of the opinion that other people shouldn't have one.) Last episode was -- comparatively speaking -- relatively free of the Carrie-Elise bickering, but it's come back full-force, with a lot of "bitch!" being thrown around, and then Elise and Carrie get right up in each other's faces, right before the commercial break, so we have to wait to see how Carrie reacts to being called a "triflin'-ass bitch."
Unfortunately, despite the tantalizing promise of violence, Carrie's the one to break the standoff, and not a single hair gets pulled. Jamie points out the irony in getting ready to host a high school reunion, with two of the women acting like they're in high school. Given that this is how they act EVERY SINGLE DAY, I'm not exactly sure just how much irony we're talking about here. Anyway, the cake looks like a glowing green piece of garbage, so Carrie volunteers to plaster it with flowers so it doesn't look so fucking gross. It can look like a flower-covered glowing green piece of garbage.
Only when Ramsay comes in for his pre-service pep rally, his praise for the well-decorated restaurant gives way to confusion and disgust when he sees the flower-bedecked monstrosity of a three-layer cake that looks more like a DayGlo Dr. Suess sombrero that someone vomited and shit on. The Blue Team is openly laughing at the thing, too, and Ramsay, strangely not apoplectic, says they're definitely not serving it. He orders Scott to take it away.
Even James comes in for some minor Ramsay pique when he prepares to open Hell's kitchen wearing a giant white lei. "You look ridiculous," Ramsay tells him, looking really unhappy about it.
The high school reunion crowd streams into Hell's Kitchen, and Will threatens to "rock the bitch." Jennifer's a little worried, because they're serving Blue dishes (yeah, that were made once, yesterday) so the men know them better. Indeed, Blue seems to be cruising while Red looks disorganized and confused. Carrie delivers a couple of salads too early for Krupa's potstickers, and an angry Ramsay makes them start over when Krupa can't deliver in time.
Blue Team has moved onto entrees, but Paul's first fish entrée is cold and raw in the middle, so Ramsay slams it on the counter. Well, at least its splatter index looks pretty good! "I'm struggling, Paul! I don't expect that from you! Not TONIGHT!" yells Ramsay. He's got a restaurant full of cougars looking to relive their high school years, so he doesn't want anything fucking it up.
The Blue Team starts over, but the Red Team's not finished getting out their appetizers. Ramsay demands to know who's going to lead them, and eventually Elise volunteers, because it means she gets to yell at people. They finish up the appetizers, and things seem to be going better.
Monterray, having finished up with apps, decides to jump in and help out on the garnish station, earning Ramsay's ire for putting the broccolini in cold oil in a cold pan. That's going to make it all greasy, Ramsay yells at him, and then Ramsay gets even more pissed off when Monterray throws it in the garbage.
Red side: Carrie's working quickly, but cutting corners to do so, pissing off Ramsay by putting old rice in with the fresh rice. She says she'll start over. "Dump that pan and start over!" yells Elise, because a good way to lead is to show your boss that you can yell some instructions at someone after they've already said they're going to do what you are now yelling at them. "She wants to cut corners, and you wonder why I'm pissed off," Ramsay says to Elise, who innocently says, "No, chef," because someone being pissed off at Carrie does not fill her with wonder at all. "Another name for your restaurant: Chez Leftovers," says Ramsay, and Carrie meekly has to take it.
On the Blue side, Paul brings up a second raw snapper, and Ramsay is extra-special nuclear pissed off because it's supposed to go to the committee's table. He orders Paul off the fish and puts Monterray and Jonathon on instead.
Elizabeth, looking to redeem herself after being an idiot yesterday, delivers some perfect snapper to Ramsay. This is while James is apologizing to the committee table, sitting there with sad, snapper-free Blue plates. Monterray's pissed because Jonathon is stepping back "like a stray dog with its tail between its legs" so he does his best -- which means bringing up yet another raw snapper. Ramsay gathers everyone around to feel the rawness, and Monterray starts to stomp off in disgust, which only pisses Ramsay off more. "Where's your respect? Get out!" he yells. The team starts to file out, except for Jonathon, who asks if a couple can stay, to try to get something done. "Piss off," an exasperated Ramsay tells him.
Jonathon says it's the second time he's been kicked out of a kitchen: "That really hurts my fuckin' feelings," he says, which is sort of amusing in its profane wussiness.
Ramsay tells the Red Team they're going to have to clean up after Blue Team, so they get that little boost from knowing that their competition got kicked out, and the entrees start getting pumped out in short order.
The Blue Team's on the patio, with Jonathon telling Monterray it's time for him to go, with Monterray countering that Jonathon isn't exactly displaying the skills to pay the bills himself. Monterray's sitting on a weight machine, figuring now's as good a time as any to blast his quads or whatever the hell.
Back in the restaurant, the meals have been served, so Ramsay parades the Red Team out for applause from the guests, and out come the hula dancers. Elise says the hula dancing looked cool, and notes that you can even do it with love handles, and she catches herself. "I'm just saying," she finishes, rather cutely. There's also flame-juggling. "That's our challenge," Elizabeth jokes to Carrie, who giggles because everyone's friends again in the afterglow of victory.
Meanwhile, Jonathon and Monterray are still bickering (the rest of the team seethes silently), with Jonathon annoyed because Monterray kept yammering after he left. "Where I come from, a bitch move like that, you wouldn't last five minutes in my neighborhood," he says. Anyone else feel a little uncomfortable when the Southerner explains that the black guy wouldn't last five minutes in his neighborhood?
Anyway, Jonathon stomps back in, calling out Monterray for waiting until he walked away to say anything (which is not true) and wants to know if Monterray now wants to back it up. Monterray points out that he said it to his face, too, because he's a "grown-ass man." (sigh) Doesn't it go without saying yet that if you call yourself "grown-ass" that you're not really one? The rest of the team sit silently and let Monterray and Jonathon self-destruct.
When the teams reassemble in the restaurant, their nominees are Monterray and Paul, for fish-station-related mischief. Ramsay calls the two of them forward, bringing Jonathon up for good measure.
"Paul, that was one of the worst dinner services I've ever witnessed," Ramsay tells him, and Paul says he's sick to his stomach over what happened, since he ruined someone's twenty-year reunion, and he gets increasingly vociferous about how he won't ever disintegrate again, and Ramsay orders him back in line, but it may have been just to shut him up.
As for the other two? Jonathon says he's a better chef than Monterray because he communicates better. Monterray says he's got more experience...oh, and he's got better knife skills. Judging from the Blue Team members shaking their heads, they want Monterray gone. Jonathon takes exception to the "knife skills" comment, saying he hasn't cut himself once. "It's hard to cut yourself when you're just marinating meat all day, playing with meat," says Monterray. Monterray's taking on water pretty badly at this point, and Ramsay doesn't waste a whole lot of time putting Monterray out of his misery. Monterray shakes his hand, and Ramsay says he appreciates the effort, and the Blue Team even sends Monterray out with a little applause, so that was nice. He still thinks Jonathon should have been eliminated. "If I'd have known that staying in the background and not cooking anything was the key to staying in Hell's Kitchen, I'd have been did that from the start." Hee! I'm going to say, "I'd have been did that" a lot more from now on.
To the survivors, Ramsay tells them it doesn't matter what they did before Hell's Kitchen, just what they do inside it. He dismisses them with a relatively tame "Get out of here" and offers a weak "Monterray flunked the test" epitaph to tie in to the high school theme.
episode looks AMAZING, however. Unfortunately, I'll be in Prince Edward Island on vacation. See you soon...
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He actually avoided ordering risotto in a restaurant tonight because of how often it gets screwed up on this show. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.
Like all %#$&ing things Gordon Ramsay? check out our review of Gordon's Great Escape.