It's the aftermath of Ramsay's decision to send a woman from Red Team over to help the imbeciles on Blue, which, as has been pointed out, is a no-win situation for the men. Win, and the addition to the team gets the credit. Continue to lose, and it just means they're so hopeless, even with the new help they can't cook risotto and scallops. Paul wants to adopt a position of Bros and a Ho Before the Rest of the Hos, because he's tired of getting his ass kicked.
Meanwhile, the women have come to an understanding that maybe splitting up Carrie and Elise isn't the worst idea in the world, since they're always at each other's throats. There is much talk of that mythical reality-show trope, the opportunity to "step up." There is a little bit of whining about breaking up the team, and Natalie's the one to point out that ultimately they're all competing against each other anyway; she's ready to volunteer, but in the end Carrie volunteers to go, since she enjoys working with men and also accelerating the spread of diabetes in Texas with sugary mashed potatoes, so this is going to be her chance to shine.
With that decided, everyone goes off to a "peaceful slumber," and by just the fact that it's being pointed out, you know shit's going to go down. Like the kid with the electric guitar last week, only now it's a bunch of clowns. I don't mean the Blue Team, I mean a literal bunch of clowns, who pull up in a Beetle with a wind-up key on the back, and unending stores of big shoes and whimsy.
None of the cheftestants are amused to be woken up by this horror show. Some are angry, and some are actually scared. And if clowns weren't enough, we're also going to be subjected to Carrie looking tired and wearing no makeup. Will also blearily stumbles around, wondering where he put his J.A. Henckel knives.
Chef What's-his-name greets them in the kitchen by telling them that since they cook like a bunch of clowns, they may as well be woken up by a bunch of clowns. "What a stunning metaphor. My mind has been blown," Tommy tells us, deadpan. Heh. Yeah, the "woken up" part doesn't really apply, does it?
Anyway, today's challenge involves a truckload of naan bread that the cheftestants have to unload. After they're done, a chipper Chef Ramsay jogs in to see them. He wants to know who's volunteering to join the men, and Carrie says she will, and for whatever capricious reason Ramsay tells her no, and sends Natalie over. She's excited, because this is her chance to "step up" (of course), and Ramsay wants to know what she's going to bring to the Blue Team, and she says something about organizational skills.
Will's still got his dink in a twist because never in his career has something like this happened, and all I can figure is that if his career is so amazing then he should go back to it, since he probably never jetted off to Palm Springs for the day as a result of his career either. "I do not want anybody that was not on our team originally on our team now," he says, but does not elaborate. If you weren't one of the randomly selected penis-havers assigned to the same team as me just a few days ago? DEAD TO ME.
Anyway, here's the challenge: the clowns come marching back in - "I don't do clowns," Will says (yeah, you don't do entrees yet, either) -- and behind them are fifty kids and babies and mommies (no daddies?) and the first team to feed their diners, starting with pasta and quesadillas, wins.
Jonathan gets a little teary-eyed because he misses his four babies (and -- well, I was going to make another meth lab joke here, but I won't). Once the quesadillas and pasta are out, then it's time to make fifty paninis for the women, using the naan bread.
The teams get to work, with Will offering his unique style of pep talk: "This is bullshit! Pick it up!" Elise is taking charge in the Red Kitchen.
The teams are neck-and-neck when Jamie burns a quesadilla, and she makes a skeptical Elizabeth deliver it to Ramsay anyway. He proceeds to turn the air blue, prompting one shocked mom to cover her child's pristine ears. Uh, it's Hell's Kitchen. That's on you, Mommy.
Natalie's coordinating things, and Jonathan gives her (to us) a lot of credit for getting everybody communicating. The kids are all served, and now the teams move on to feeding the women, but Carrie and Elise are bickering in the kitchen. To Carrie, Elise is a "little yip-yip dog" while to Elise, Carrie is a "chicken with her head cut off." Elise also seems to be wearing on some of the other members of Red Team too.
And then, with two tickets left for the Blue Team, they somehow manage to serve up a chicken panini with no chicken in it. They recover, though, and wind up winning with mere seconds to spare, and there is much rejoicing and hugging in the Blue Kitchen, with Will magnanimously welcoming Natalie over to their side, apparently forgiving her for having a vagina. "I really wanted to go to the Blue Team. I really did," whines Carrie. Will gives credit where credit is due, and calls Natalie a rock star.
Meanwhile, Elise is talking about how they need to figure out where the weak links are, and Jamie snaps at Carrie for wandering around like the littlest hobo and getting in people's way instead of just picking a station and sticking with it.
In the debriefing, Jonathan says if he'd known it was that easy to bring in a beautiful woman in to get everyone talking, he would have just made Tommy wear a dress. Uh, I'm just theorizing here, but ... Jonathon's spent time in prison, hasn't he? Apparently Blue Team's prize is so awesome that Ramsay can't tell them right now, not in front of Red Team, so Blue Team scuttles off to go change into something more comfortable.
Then he asks Red Team if they lost their lucky charm in Natalie, and Elise blames Carrie for everything that happened, and Carrie defends herself (unconvincingly) and Jamie tells them both to shut up. Their punishment, big surprise, is to clean up the dining room that's littered with banana peels and crayons left behind by the army of hungry toddlers. Some woman named Amanda -- who I refuse to believe was on the show last week because I remember her not at all -- can't believe she's on a team that can't put its differences aside to avoid getting their asses kicked.
Over the course of lunch, the women who were all "awww!" at the arrival of the children have now decided that children are nasty, disgusting and gross, and Elise says her three-year-old was never this messy. Well, are there fifty of him? No? Then it's not the same. Carrie's vacuuming the floor, but something starts rattling around in the cleaner and she doesn't know how to fix it so she basically says "fuck it" and keeps on going, much to the consternation of her teammates. A somewhat sympathetic Krupa points out that once you get someone on your radar, it's hard not to criticize everything they do.
"While the Red Team goes medieval on Carrie," says the narrator, and you're thinking that that's pretty hilarious until discovering it's really just an awkward segue into the men's trip to a Medieval Times restaurant.
So they gnaw on giant turkey legs and learn how to sword fight, and the thrill of this is utterly lost on me, especially since none of the men mention the cleavage of the serving wenches like you'd expect them to. Maybe we should be glad for that. Back at Hell's Kitchen, the women have finished cleaning the kitchen and have been assigned the task of setting up playground equipment for tomorrow night's family night. And, like Krupa said, anything Carrie says is taken as stupid. Jennifer gripes about the fact that Carrie and Elizabeth and Krupa put together the basketball net while everyone else was working on the swing set. Well, doesn't it all have to be put together? And isn't more than two people working on one piece of equipment redundant anyway? Krupa's right; there's nothing Carrie can do at this point that her teammates aren't going to criticize.
Anyway, the men get back, drunk and horny and waving their toy swords and shields around. Tommy actually instructs the "wenches" to bring him a flagon of mead when they're done, while Paul looks genuinely excited about the prospect of playing on the playground equipment later. No, it's for actual kids, not kid-sized chefs, Paul.
It's really amusing how the men have gone from vehemently opposing the addition of a woman to hanging off Natalie's every word. And while she outlines the organization tips (lists, etc.) that the women have used to be sharper in the dinner services, Elise is leading Jamie and Jennifer in a discussion of "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Carrie?" As Elise is all, "All she did was heat up the béchamel sauce," Carrie, who was listening in, stomps over and tries to point out that she was helping others, including Jamie, and then the two of them get into a Don't-Give-Me-Attitude-off. "I didn't say a fucking word! So you shouldn't be giving me any attitude!" Jamie snaps at Carrie. The rest of the team seems to have come to the conclusion that Carrie is short a few chromosomes.
So prep work begins for the nightly service, with Blue Team communicating well, and Red Team barely saying two words to each other. Krupa thinks this is positive. "What better way to avoid a drama than not talking?" she says.
It's Family Night, the most popular night at Hell's Kitchen for some reason. (Are parents that eager to bring their children to watch a Brit scream obscenities at sweaty short-order cooks?). Gina and Chino have been dressed up to help out maître'd James, and a kids' menu has been added: chicken tenders, burgers and spaghetti. Well, there's some culinary innovation right there. Also, each table will be served a complementary margherita pizza. "Margherita" is Italian for "Where are all the toppings?"
Anyway, Chino brings in his first order, written illegibly with no indication as to what the side orders are supposed to be. "Piss off, Chino," says Ramsay. Yeah, I can see why Family Night is so popular. On the plus side, Chino uses the always-fun word "discombobulated."
Gina apparently delivers an order that is at once both readable and cookable, so Red Team goes to work. Elise is on the pizza station, and she's determined to win, you guys. She wants to get them off to a roaring start, and her first pizza is complimented by Ramsay. They get that out before Chino even gets his first order in, but he finally does, and Blue Team hunkers down.
Meanwhile, Krupa makes a delicious risotto, but then this Amanda person spills some sauce on the stove, sending up a big cloud of steam, and Elise stands there giving her the most hilarious "are you kidding me?" raised eyebrows.
Blue Team: Tommy overcooks some chicken tenders, and Ramsay says he knows they're just children, but that doesn't mean they should have to eat something with the texture of a kid's flip-flop.
Red Team: Jennifer's not at all looking forward to working the meat station with Carrie, which means she seems kind of zoned out when Ramsay calls over the order for the first entrée order of the night. Then they manage to serve up a burger and a beef Wellington that aren't actually on the ticket. "This is embarrassing!" Ramsay screams at Jennifer. I enjoy the way Ramsay is teaching all these impressionably moppets that it's endearing and highly lucrative to be loud and obnoxious in restaurants.
Jennifer is mortified to even be a part of this, and she blames her part in the mistake on Carrie's mere presence. Anyway, it's a chance for the Blue Team to catch up. Will's decided that because Tommy messed up the fingers, he's going to have to direct Tommy a little bit more. This involves a lot of raised voices but, refreshingly, Tommy's actually grateful for the direction and calls it much-needed help.
The Blue Team start firing out the entrees. This Amanda person undercooks the sea bass, leading to a lot of finger-pointing and yelling, and Ramsay has to tell everyone to shut up. Things are souring for Natalie over on the Blue Side, because she undercooks some Wellingtons. Fortunately for her and Blue, this Amanda person has not only messed up the sea bass, but she totally forgot about an order of cod. "It's Family Night. Disaster Night!" says Ramsay. Elise threatens this Amanda person with the chopping block if she doesn't get it together, while Jennifer tells us that she was like a deer in the headlights, shutting down by the second. Seriously, this Amanda person completely folds, and apologizes a billion times to the point that Ramsay is all, "This Amanda person! Fight back. For god's sake, woman! Get some dignity!" Need some dignity? Get Luanne van Houten to draw it for you!
Now Ramsay has to go over and yell at Natalie to wake up, because they're still waiting on her Wellingtons. When she finally produces them, Ramsay tells her they're good, and she beams.
So the Blue diners are chowing down while the Red diners are waiting and waiting, with the kids all adorably dressed up. And then Elise yells at Carrie because she's standing there with her hands on her hips instead of cooking something. So Carrie cooks a lamb. Well, she doesn't so much cook it as place it in the general vicinity of a pan before plating it and sending it Ramsay's way, and then he sees it and hits the roof and Carrie doesn't help her cause by acting all surprised, "It's raw?" Ramsay throws the raw lamb around (you can practically hear it bleating) and swears.
And then the most wonderful thing happens: Ramsay tells Gina to bring the Red Squad 'round to every table to apologize to all of their diners in the hopes that their experience at Hell's Kitchen hasn't put them off food altogether.
Maître'd James plays it up by acting like he's starring in some sort of video urging donations to help starving children in Africa. Elise calls it humiliating. "Yes, we're a team, but you can only do so much when you have a broken leg."
On their way back into the kitchen, Carrie is in the midst of apologizing, when Ramsay tells them the group apology is the first useful thing they've done all evening -- as well as the last: he orders them out of the kitchen, and he berates them as they file out, telling them to hang their heads in shame, telling them they certainly don't care about the children. "You absolutely sucked! Piss off! Embarrassing! And on Family Night!" In the dining room, some moppet mimics him, all "Shut it down!"
This Amanda person is freaking out, figuring Ramsay's going to call her out, but it's obvious the team is going to throw Carrie to the Ramsay wolf. Carrie tries to talk to Elise, who is in no mood to even be aware that Carrie exists in the same universe. "She can talk up on the chopping block, that's when she can fucking talk"" says Elise, who then proceeds to ask Carrie if she's on medication, and accusing her of fucking up the rhythm of the whole kitchen. Much screaming ensues -- and then we go to commercial! What the balls!
It's two hours into Family Night, and the Red diners sit there glumly, but the Blue Team is pumping out enough food for everyone, and they close out the night. Ramsay tells them to hold their heads high. "I love my team. I just couldn't help smiling all over inside," says Natalie.
Elsewhere, Elise is screeching that this falls on the meat station. And by "meat station," she means Carrie, not Jennifer. Carrie admits she got frazzled and fucked up with the raw lamb. "'I fucked up with the raw lamb?' How about 'I fucked up the entire night?'" says Elise. "I do deserve to be here! I'm not ready to leave Hell's Kitchen! I'm ready to fight!" Carrie tells us.
They file out into the dining room to face the music, and Ramsay wants to know what happened to the crackerjack team they used to be. Elise says a bunch of stuff that settles on "Carrie." Ramsay asks Jennifer, who gives vague answers about being unfocused, until he tells her what a luxury it is to have two people on a station, at which point she says she wishes she had been alone, and blames Carrie. Ramsay says that despite them all jumping on the Carrie bandwagon, no one stepped up to the plate tonight. He asks if anyone else has anything to say, and Jamie talks about how people need to adjust their attitudes. Krupa agrees, but it's a useless thing to say, because everyone agrees that attitudes need to be adjusted, but no one ever thinks it's their own attitude that needs adjusting. "Who has the problem with their ego?" asks Ramsay, and Krupa talks about the tension between Elise and Carrie.
This naturally puts Krupa in Elise's crosshairs, so now suddenly the defeat is Krupa's fault too, according to Elise, and Krupa's all, "you see what I mean?" "This confirms why no entrees left your kitchen," says Ramsay. He doesn't ask who they're putting forth for elimination, and tells Jennifer to step forward (she swears), and once we get past the commercial break, he (big shock) tells Carrie to step forward as well. Elise can barely contain her smile. Then Ramsay tells this Amanda person to join them.
Carrie does her best to fake tears while she tells Ramsay, "I love cooking. It's my passion, it's in my heart." She says she's going to prove to him she's good enough, and he asks why her team wants her gone, and Carrie says she doesn't know what Elise has against her, and then this Amanda person pipes up that it isn't just Elise. Elise is LOVING this.
As for this Amanda person, she says she's not in denial, unlike Amanda, about her crap performance tonight. She says she can do better, and he's seen her do better. He tells her she didn't fight back but threw the towel in.
And Jennifer? She says she's one of the hardest workers in the kitchen, which makes Ramsay wonder why she didn't take charge, and Jennifer passive-aggressively says she thought her partner could handle one task out of seven, prompting a "don't throw me under the bus!"/"we're not throwing you under the bus, you suck!" discussion between the three potential losers.
Ramsay decides -- not really surprisingly -- that it's time for this Amanda person to go. Carrie appears to suck more, but for television purposes, she's already fought more and (potentially) banged more guys than this Amanda person has, so she'll stay. "Good night and good luck," Ramsay tells this Amanda person as she leaves, and Elise calls out, "Love you, this Amanda person!" and this Amanda person doesn't even turn around but flashes a peace sign over her shoulder, which is good, because it takes care of any lingering sympathy you might have for her. "I'm so completely and utterly embarrassed and disappointed with myself," says this Amanda person, adding that it sucks that one of her heroes told her she's not worthy.
Ramsay tells the rest of the cooks that the lesson to them is that when you screw up, no matter how big or little, you fight back and show him you belong there. "Never, ever give up. Got it?" They say they got it, and he tells them to get out. Elise wants to puke, while Carrie crows that she's not going to let anyone stab her in the back. Will, meanwhile, says that as low as the women feel right now, he wants to drive them lower.
Ramsay leaves the dining room. "This Amanda person lost the will to cook on the line tonight. I lost the will to keep her here," he says, and this Amanda person's face burns up while she goes gentle into that good night.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter, who he wouldn't in a million years bring to Hell's Kitchen. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.
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