Last week: There was less cooking than usual. The National League defeated the American League, 3-1. Alex Rodriguez didn't play. The joke I'm doing here is that I'm describing the All-Star Game as though I thought it was an episode of Hell's Kitchen. A little free comedy for you at the top of the recap. I'll give you a moment to enjoy it. Okay, that's enough. Let's move on.
Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 35
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 36
Unexplained Celebrity Guests:1
Gordon pretends to be proud of the top six and tells them to [bleep] off upstairs. Everyone is pretty smug in interviews, and they're all ranking themselves pretty highly. Since Nilka pretty much eliminated herself in the middle of the last episode, there's no awkward recriminations to deal with, and we press right on to the morning's roll call.
The challenge is to make dishes that both taste and look good. Shouldn't they be doing that all the time? Well, this time the focus (ha!) is on the visuals, because the dishes will be photographed. Benjamin brags a bit about how great his presentation is and immediately sets something on fire accidentally. Autumn works with this huge chunk of tuna. Ed hits us with a barrage of clichés. Jay makes a "salad" in which each element is individually positioned on the plate and nothing is touching anything else.
When the food is ready, everyone's food gets photographed and everyone but Holli is confident. Then they have to walk down the entrance hall with those video screens showing the dishes. Jay asserts that he is 99.2% confident of winning. And now it's time for another random swerve: the challenge will be judged a bunch of culinary students. And I bet Ramsay wishes he could start the season over again with the students.
The students start ranking the dishes while the chefs run back to the kitchen to remake the food. The top two dishes rated by the students will be tasted by Gordon. And the ratings are in! Holli is last, and she agrees with that. Jay is , and he is theatrically shocked that not everyone agrees with him about how great he is. We heard some students looking at his dish and wondering what it was supposed to be, which is probably a bad sign. Then comes Jason and Autumn, which means that Benjamin and Ed are the top two. And Gordon brings in Tanya Steele, the Editor-in-Chief of epicurious.com to help him judge the taste. Ed's dish is a pan-seared striped bass and Benjamin has a pan-seared halibut. Benjamin included all the elements of Hollandaise, but not actually in sauce form. That's always fun. Tanya picks Ben, and Gordon gets rid of the culinary students. Ben's reward is to be on Epicurious, which he pretends to be pleased about in an interview. Although he starts be telling us he's been in Bon Appetit and The New York Times already. Also he's getting one of those spa rewards with the haircut and facial and all that. And the losers will be cleaning the dining room while JP annoys them.
Jay is fuming about being fifth and Jason is being sympathetic while also reminding him he only got fifth. Everyone complains endlessly about cleaning the dining room, because people on reality shows are appalled at the idea of cleaning up after themselves. Ben, it turns out, is not really getting a spa treatment; he's just getting a haircut in the context of the Epicurious photo shoot. He's a little whiny about getting his eyebrows tweezed. We are led to believe that JP is incredibly annoying, but all he's doing is saying things like "polish the wood ." Jay and Holli are joking about sex, but it's not clear that Jay is joking. Ben's still a little weird-looking, but the haircut has helped.
Ben returns and wisely doesn't talk to the losers about how great he is. They mostly praise his makeover. The day, Ben's winning dish is on the menu and has bumped something involving lobster. He tries to show everyone how to make his dish and it immediately becomes clear that it was more complicated than most of the dishes they make on this show. Everyone's complaining about it, but it seems to me that only one of them will actually have to make it. And it would only be fair for that person to be Ben, right?
Before the dinner service, Chef Ramsay tells everyone that he's going to be looking for a leader. And they're also going to have a VIP guest at the chef's table. Ben assures us that he is confident, but not cocky. And he doesn't badmouth anyone else, which is a nice change from the usual pattern of interviews on this show.
The first order comes in and everyone forgets to shout "Yes, Chef!" Ed's on fish and starts with raw John Dory. I love when Chef Ramsay shouts "Stop panicking!" at people. Jason has some pasta with insufficient seasoning and then doesn't answer when Chef Ramsay asks how long it will be. This draws another rant about the importance of communication. Look, I may not be able to cook, but I assure you I can make the kind of noise that Chef Ramsay wants to hear in a kitchen.
We're already on entrees! And Autumn, who is on desserts, is trying to help out, but Benjamin isn't letting her know what needs to be done. And there are so few chefs left that Chef Ramsay knows everything that's going on, so he correctly calls out Ben for not communicating to Autumn where she should be assisting people. As soon as Chef Ramsay turns away, Holli asks Ben if he needs anything, and he just mutters, "Get out of my [bleep] way." And Ben screws up a couple of orders, then trips and goes flying. He's back up immediately, assuring everyone that he's fine, but Chef Ramsay offers the rarely-heard suggestion that he slow down a little. Autumn is smirking, and I think she can be forgiven for a bit of a smirk.
Ed is still providing uncooked John Dory and halibut. Actually, Chef Ramsay says that it's "not uncooked; RAW!" It's hard to tell, since Chef Ramsay has a tendency to call everything either "raw," "perfect," or "burnt," but I think this one might actually be completely raw. Autumn tells Ed he's got fourteen "all day" after this, and he's not too proud to let her help. But his replacement fish is still raw, apparently./p>
The voiceover tries to claim that this is all because of Ben's halibut dish, but apparently everything on the plate other than the halibut itself has been fine. So it's just a matter of Ed not cooking the fish right. And Jay is getting screwed, because every single halibut requires seven other things. Ed continues to flounder (more free comedy!) and has 38 halibut at once. Ben steps in to help out while Chef Ramsay shouts about how the other people at the table have finished their duck and one is going to give birth. The Ben-assisted halibut is still raw. Holli starts to sear halibut to help out, and Ben complains about Autumn not doing anything. Jay gets some upcoming orders wrong, but I think that's understandable occasionally. Ben gets some beef rejected because it was ready before acceptable halibut finally showed up. Chef Ramsay shouts at Benjamin about being a good cook but not a good leader. This is because Ben doesn't like talking to people when he's cooking, which isn't the Ramsay Way. Ben brings up some food, but it's not for the table Chef Ramsay wants right now. It's for the table after that. Jay, Ed and Benjamin all get individually shouted at.
Ed brings some scallops up to the pass and they're clearly burned. We see Jason come up to the pass, and Chef Ramsay wordlessly shows him the pan, and Jason just says "[Bleep]" and walks away. I liked that moment. As you can imagine, Chef Ramsay is angry. He yells at Ed, Jay and Ben before telling Ed and Ben to get out. Yeah, I don't think any of this is Jay's fault. It's mostly Ed repeatedly screwing up. And, I guess, Ben's "lack of communication".
Jason's on fish. Autumn's on meat. Holli's on appetizers. Ed knows he'll be up for elimination. Alert boy, that Ed.
Jason's scallops are fine. Things seem to be going fine now. Jay is more relaxed. And it's time for the VIP guests: Whoopi Goldberg? That's weird, isn't it? Am I wrong about that? Anyway, Whoopi's table has ordered four risottos, which is exactly what I'd do if I were at Hell's Kitchen. You really want to know if those risottos are good, don't you? And all the food from this point comes out smoothly. We don't even see a token screwup. Dinner service is completed!
The chefs line up for the traditional post-service "I'm so disappointed in all of you" speech by Gordon Ramsay. Ed and Benjamin come in for personal abuse. Everybody is sent upstairs to decide on two chefs who do not deserve to continue. Ramsay says something about "all your history here," and everyone uses that as an excuse not to just follow the simple rule of Hell's Kitchen: If you're thrown out of the kitchen, you're up for elimination.
So Benjamin thinks Autumn should go because she "squeaks by" in both the kitchen and the prep. Jay also piles on Autumn because she was nominated a lot, and Holli also likes that argument. Autumn doesn't argue strongly on her own behalf. Jay says he can't decide between Ed and Jason. Why Jason? Oh, right, his "temper". None of this matters, guys. Just nominate Ben and Ed and let Gordon Ramsay axe whoever he feels like.
It's nomination time. Autumn, who is the first nominee? "My team is nominating me, chef." Why? "Based on the sheer number of times I've been nominated." A fair description. And the second nominee? Ed, because "he's had several difficult services in a row." Autumn and Ed, step forward. Ed, why are you better than Autumn? "I can multitask much better." Autumn, same question. "I've been a lot more consistent on the line, even with team members who didn't want to work with me."
Gordon screws with Autumn before telling her she's getting better. Then he cuts Ed, which can't come as a surprise. Gordon tells the chefs that he's not impressed with anyone, and we're out. You know, it really undercuts this show's ability to pretend it's about great chefs competing for a big prize when we're constantly being told how inadequate everyone is.
Watch the episode below, read up on the second episode of the night here and discuss them both in our forums. Then see why we'd never eat there!
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You can email Monty at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.