I have noticed in the past that if I don't eat before watching Hell's Kitchen, I get increasingly irritable about all this delicious food being ruined by donkeys. So this time, I've made sure to eat a couple of microwave burritos. And I didn't undercook or overcook them, so I'm ahead of the contestants. Now, on with the carnage!
Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 47
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 54
Food That Looks Better Than Microwave Burritos: All of it!
Fran is angry about having been nominated for elimination last episode. And the episode before that. And the one before that. Benjamin plots against her, vowing that she'll be . Or it might just be a good guess.
Down in the kitchen, Gordon Ramsay prepares a chicken gorgonzola in a microwave. It looks pretty good. Certainly better than those burritos I just ate, which may have been made of dog food. Okay, here's what I've learned: if I eat lousy food just before watching, that also makes me mad. The contestants file into the kitchen and give it a taste. They all lavish it with praise, and then a disgusted Chef Ramsay tells them it was "frozen [bleep] food." Nice going, guys! The sound guys put in a sound effect reminiscent of a loser on The Price Is Right. Gordon mocks the chefs for praising the freshness and vibrancy of the food that was cooked months ago. And that leads us into the Blind Taste Test, at which Nilka is confident.
Out in the dining room, Gordon asks who has the best palate. Jay and Benjamin raise their hands, and Fran claims to have a good palate. This, if we are to believe the editing, prompts open mockery and laughter.
Round one is Fran vs. Autumn. Fran thinks the Brussel sprouts are white cabbage, and Autumn goes with "cabbage." The thing is pork tenderloin, which Autumn thinks is turkey and Fran thinks is roast beef. You have to think that Gordon just wants to get rid of both of them right now. Sweet potato is not carrots (Autumn) or parsnips (Fran). Autumn correctly identifies coconut, and Fran goes with potato. What? Man, that's just awful. I'm not saying I'm a supertaster or anything, but I know what coconut tastes like.
Round two: Holli vs. Ed. Ricotta cheese is not polenta, even though that's what both of them guess. In an interview, Autumn giggles, "Maybe it does taste like polenta. What do I know?" Well, if you're claiming to be a professional chef, you should know what food tastes like. This is awful. I can't even list the endless wrong guesses. Holli stumbles into trout (which Ed thought was canned tuna), so we're tied 1-1. In an interview, Ed explains that it's hard to guess food blindfolded and with earphones on, and I'm sure it is. But you guys are supposed to be experts in the field of making things taste good. You don't think Gordon Ramsay would kick this challenge's ass?
Benjamin vs. Jason. They both know what fennel tastes like, but not kidney beans, butter lettuce, or mussels. It seems like they're just guessing based on the texture. It's still 2-2.
Nilka vs. Jay. Jay thinks Kobe beef tastes like corned beef. Nilka says turkey. They both miss cashews. They both get cilantro. So going into the last item, it's all tied. The food is eggplant. Nilka says prunes. Jay gets it right, winning the challenge for his team and making him the only person to get even 50% correct.
The blue's team prize is to go to Sea World. Seriously. They'll be swimming with dolphins, which I guess is cool, but honestly, a day out at an aquatic-themed park is kind of a weird prize. Meanwhile, the red team's punishment is to rush out and bring in stuff from trucks occasionally. Holli complains about Fran losing them the challenge by not getting any right. As opposed to Holli's sterling 1-3 record.
The first delivery is bags of ice. The red team drags them inside and complains a lot. Benjamin tries to keep a positive attitude and says stupid catchphrases like "Team work don't seem work." Fran comments that they ought to have a dolly or something, which is a good idea. The truck is full of wine, and Benjamin checks the invoice first.
Sea World. Which is in San Diego, not Los Angeles. So I guess they flew the blue team down there and didn't mention it? What, San Diego's not classy enough to get mentioned? Or did they blow their private jet money already? Anyway, there are killer whale shenanigans.
Drama! JP waves the wine invoice at Benjamin to show him that it says "Gordon Ramsay at the London", not "Gordon Ramsay at Hell's Kitchen." It's been a few seasons since the Wrong Invoice Trick worked! So the red team has to drag the wine back out to the front door. Not the loading dock, for some reason. Meanwhile, in San Diego, Autumn is a little freaked out by having to kiss the giant toothy mouth on a dolphin.
A van pulls up at the kitchen, and the guy inside claims he has a delivery for Gordon Ramsay: packages for Mr. Red and Mr. Blue. When the blue team gets back, the packages get opened. This is how Gordon has decided to tell the teams that they're in charge of the menus tonight. He probably has a court date or something to be at.
The teams split up and start brainstorming. Benjamin wants to start with salads and waxes rhapsodic about sunchokes. Then he says other people have to contribute, and we learn that Nilka has not heard of most of the vegetables that Benjamin just listed. Benjamin's main goal right now is to get ideas up on the board. He suggests mussels marinara, and a barely interested Nilka asks "How do you make it?" Sigh.
Blue team. Jay explains that the goal is to keep the menu simple and easy to do. They all seem to be on the same page, and say "simple" a lot. The red team has problems, largely stemming from Benjamin not agreeing with anyone and retreating to a smug "I'm a professional" whenever he's challenged. Nilka suggests rice and Benjamin calls it "poor food." Classy.
The prep begins. Jay is confident that their menu should be easy to pull off. And as any viewer of Kitchen Nightmares can tell you, Gordon Ramsay likes fresh local ingredients, prepared simply. Also, I just thought of a great way to game this challenge. You make your menu sound awful. Then everyone in the restaurant will order off the other team's menu, and they'll crash and burn!
Chef Ramsay whooshes into the kitchen to sample the dishes. He spits out Benjamin's arugula and sunchoke. He has a lot of suggestions for the red team, although he emphasizes that it's advice that they don't have to take. He loves all the desserts, which are all by Holli. Good for her.
It's the blue team's turn. This one salad gets this review: "If I was a [bleep] rabbit, I'd be [bleep] wetting myself. That's a joke." I think he means the salad is a joke, but I don't understand the rabbit part. He hates everything, describing it as bland and too easy. He hates the fruit compote, which is really just a few berries in a glass with cream on top. So the blue team is doing practically a whole tear-down on the menu while the red team just needed to add a couple of ingredients to a couple of dishes.
Service! Each customer will be choosing what menu to order from, which means that the two kitchens will have to synchronize orders to keep tables happy. Ed gets in trouble immediately for slicing duck before he's supposed to. However, appetizers somehow get out to the customers. And Benjamin gets some undercooked shrimp and undercooked pasta sent back. Then he shuts down and refuses to talk to anyone as he redoes the food. Chef Ramsay spots Benjamin not talking, so he intervenes. Benjamin reluctantly allows Nilka to help plate, and then immediately shoves her out of the way. Eventually, Benjamin realizes that he's allowed to tell his teammates "No, I do not want help," and that counts as talking to them.
The red team's menu is not very popular, apparently. This is worrying for Chef Ramsay. Holli has trouble getting Nilka to bring her food to the pass at the right time, and Chef Ramsay takes exception to Holli's politeness. He doesn't like "Are you coming?" He would prefer that Holli bring her food up, then drag Nilka up after her. Jay is in the weeds on the fish station, which I think is probably because he's got a lot of orders. We see a shot of a table with two red dishes (which have been served) and two blue dishes (which have not)
Fran loses some chicken somehow. She's not carving off enough meat and leaving way too much on the bone. "You're robbing the customers of their portions!" shouts Chef Ramsay. And on the blue side, it's Autumn's turn to get yelled at for raw pork. She refires it and absorbs some abuse until Ramsay throws her out of the kitchen. She's being sent to the dining to explain why the pork is late. That last sentence had four [bleep]s in it. She goes out to the table and apologizes quickly.
Red team. Nilka had a problem with the grilled asparagus (the marks weren't coming out right) so she decided to cook them some other way instead. Steamed, I assume. Chef Ramsay compares this to cafeteria food. Then over on the blue side, Chef Ramsay hates Jason's bacon, which flusters him for a few key seconds while everyone's waiting for the puree for the pork.
Fran is enraged by her entire team and claims that no one told her to have beef ready in one minute. She's mad at Holli for reminding her, she's mad at her team for not talking, and she's mad at anyone who talks to her. And the beef gets rejected when it does get to the pass. Autumn needs three minutes on some meat and Chef Ramsay accuses her of being too casual. Ed swaps in for the meat station while Autumn runs off to the dessert station. Fran has some more undercooked beef, and Chef Ramsay walks into the pantry calling for her to follow her.
Fran and Chef Ramsay have a little heart-to-heart in the pantry. Fran claims that the problem is that no one will talk to her. They'll talk to each other, but not her. Chef Ramsay does not care about all of that: "But what's wrong with you?" He shows her all the raw chicken she's been bringing up. He accuses her of giving up, which she denies. Although she totally should give up at this point.
The red team's desserts go great and we're reminded that Holli had a good night. Both teams finish service.
Both teams are declared the loser, because Gordon Ramsay has his own weird idea of competition. They are each supposed to select one nominee, so you'd think it would be Fran and Autumn, with Fran going home, right? Let's find out!
The blue team piles on Autumn, who thinks Jason did worse than her. Ed thinks Jason isn't as good as he thinks he is. On the red team, Fran complains about the team's communication, and Nilka has had enough. "How much communication do you need? Do you want me to put something up to your ear and say 'Fran, this is the goddamn order!'?" Nilka feels that Fran's problem is not communication but execution. Nilka starts complaining about not being involved in the menu, which was mostly Benjamin's deal.
Down in the dining room. Jason nominates Autumn for having a bad night. Holli nominates Fran for having a rough dinner service. Fran and Autumn step forward. Autumn, why should you stay? "I put out a lot of food that was good." Also she wants to be better. Fran? "I am as good as anyone else in that kitchen." She further complains about the lack of communication, and once again Nilka has had enough: "Maybe I shoulda told you how to cut that damn chicken off the bone. Then you wouldn't be standing up there." Fran and Nilka argue for a bit while Fran pretends she's not reacting.
Chef Ramsay has both of them take off their jackets. He throws Fran out, finally. Then he sends Autumn back to the red team after a lot of stalling and misdirection.
Check back soon for Part 2 of the double episode, then watch clips here, discuss it in our forums, and see why we'd never eat here!
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Monty's daily blog is Mysterious Exhortations. You can email Monty at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.