Well, it's another two hours of Hell's Kitchen this week. And week. So here's how I guess it's shaking out: this week, they cut to eight. Then July 6, they cut to six, then it's four on July 13, cut to the final two on July 20, and the finale on the 27th, leading into this new Masterchef USA show. Seems a little rushed to me.
Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 27
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 34
How to Cook Crab Cakes: "When it's brown, it's cooked; when it's black, it's [bleep]!"
Benjamin hugs his old blue team compatriots and is theatrically mopey about being on the red side. He makes a couple of jokes about killing himself, and I wish he wouldn't tease like that.
Roll call. Someone will be having their 50th wedding anniversary at Hell's Kitchen, because what better way to celebrate a half century of marriage than waiting forever for undercooked risotto? Gordon introduces the couple to the chefs, and things get a bit condescending. Oh, old people! You're adorable. Anyway, Gordon had them bring the menu from their wedding reception so that his team can update it. That's a cute idea, I guess. So they'll be riffing off of Chicken Kiev, Steak Diane, and something that sounds like "travel mundine". I guess they'll repeat that last one.
Oh! By spying on the chefs' notes, it appears that "travel mundine" is actually "Trout Almondine." So there you go.
On the red side, Nilka is off to a bad start when she admits that she doesn't know what Steak Diane is. But her flambé is big and dramatic, which makes it look sort of like she knows what she's doing. The blue side is distinguished by Jay bragging in detail about all the awesome things he's going to do to the trout and by Autumn fretting about Salvatore's plans for meatballs for the Chicken Kiev.
Benjamin is leading the red side, asking when each dish will be ready. Everyone is smiling and there's tinkly piano music to demonstrate their equanimity. Meanwhile, the blue side gets crashing dissonant chords as they get down to the deadline and their chicken isn't cooked. Autumn insists that they can't serve raw chicken, but Salvatore insists it's cooked. Well, we'll see.
First dish: Nilka vs. Ed in the Battle of the Steak Diane. Nilka talks about the crab in the reduction, but Gordon was looking for something "in tune with the classic", which means cream, cognac and mustard. Nilka admits that she doesn't really know Steak Diane, although the married couple seems to like it okay. Ed's is slightly more Diane-like, and the blue team wins.
Chicken Kiev time. Holli and Autumn bring the dishes up, although Autumn is decidedly worried about whether the chicken is cooked. She puts on a pretty convincing smile, though. The blue dish is a pair of chicken meatballs, which Autumn claims is an inside-out Chicken Kiev. Gordon is not impressed with the concept and asks whose idea it was. Salvatore admits that it was his. And one of the balls is pink (oh, grow up!) so obviously they lose. Holli's is fine and they win, tying the challenge.
Trout Almondine. Benjamin vs. Jay. Benjamin's is deemed "mild" and "very good". Jay's gets no description. The two diners split between the dishes. So Gordon will break the tie, which seems like sort of an obvious move. After a million hours of stalling, he gives the edge to the red team. Because he wants to pretend that his brilliant idea of sticking Benjamin on the team fixed their leadership problem.
There's yet another costume involved as the red team receives bowling shirts for their '50s-themed reward. The blue team will be blowing up balloons and putting up decorations. Nilka claims that having Benjamin means that they now have LeBron James on their team. Okay, first of all, Benjamin is a little too scrawny to pull that off. And second, LeBron hasn't won anything yet.
Up in the patio, Jay tells Salvatore that he cost the team the win, and that he shouldn't propose chicken meatballs if he doesn't know how to make them. Then it's time to start decorating the dining room, Ed takes charge of the dance floor assembly. He does appear to know what he's doing. As the red scene walks through the dining room, Nilka brags about how great the red team is. Yeah, they won a narrow victory because Salvatore undercooked some chicken. Whoopee. Then they get in convertibles and go out to a carhop of some sort. The sort with rollerskating, miniskirted waitresses. It's kind of awful. Then the waitresses make the chefs dance in a line with them and it gets a real Hooters vibe.
Back at the dining room, Autumn is bossing everyone around, telling them how to tie off balloons and do various other simple tasks. Then it's cake time! Ed and Jay both claim they don't know how to cut cakes. Just shut up and do it already. Meanwhile, the red team is trying to enjoy their novelty oversized margaritas when they're interrupted by the waitresses insisting that they have a hula hoop contest. Siobhan is the only one who's any good at it, and I cannot believe I have to tell you which chef is good at hula-hooping. This is stupid. As is the terrible makeup on the waitresses. What an awful reward. "You win! Um... there's a theme restaurant down the street. Gordon won't be there. Enjoy!"
Back to the restaurant! The cake is going all right, and 100 tiny boxes of party favors need to be made. The red team strolls past, yapping up a storm, and goes to sleep upstairs.
The day, we learn that the night's menu will consist of "classic dishes from the couple's wedding reception," plus Benjamin's Trout Almondine. So that tells us that the challenge's version of Steak Diane and Chicken Kiev were not acceptable for service.
During the prep, Benjamin gathers the red team around the menu so they can discuss who's going to be doing what and make sure they have a game plan. Fran interviews that it's such a comfort having Benjamin there, because he's helping so much and he's so good at leading and if you ask me, the rest of the red team might as well just give up now. They appear to have forgotten that this is an individual competition and that admitting that they needed Benjamin is the same thing as saying "Benjamin, and not any of us, should win."
On the blue side, Jay is convinced of his own awesomeness and bragging about how great he is. And then he cuts himself pretty badly, and there's blood everywhere. He goes back to the medic, and he's feeling light-headed. That's no good. Benjamin stops by in the back pantry to check on him, but Jay insists that he's fine.
Chef Ramsay lines everybody up to insists that Sal and Marcy must have a perfect anniversary. And the Steak Diane is going to be served tableside by Nilka and Ed, which I believe means that each team has only four people in the kitchen. JP demonstrates the technique of the fancy flambé, and Ramsay stops by to make fun of his jacket.
People arrive, as do Sal and Marcy. The red team gets the host table and immediately falls behind when Siobhan's salad takes a little too long to get put in a bowl. And with that out of the way, appetizers start moving. There are a lot of crab cakes, which Autumn apparently did well. And there's some irrelevant cake drama, since it's on a table in the center of the dining room and is tilting dangerously whenever anyone walks past. Ed and Jay fix it.
Finally, someone screws up. Benjamin has some crab cakes that are cold in the middle. Chef Ramsay shouts at him about putting more oil in the pan, and his replacement crab cakes are burnt. Shout, shout, shout. The rest of the red team is a little smug in interviews as they talk about how easy crab cakes are and how they would certainly never make the mistake of cooking something poorly like that.
With that out of the way, the red team is on entrees. Nilka wheels the cart out to the host table. Ed appears to be starting his at the same time, which I don't approve of. Guests of honor first. Chef Ramsay shouts at Nilka to hurry up, and we see that she served her food successfully and at the right time. Well, okay. Might have been nice to see her actually do it. Over on the blue side, Jason and Salvatore are having some communication trouble over at the garnish station. Salvatore is not telling people they can slice things, and he doesn't have the parsnip puree for the duck. He looks completely lost out there.
Holli brings up some duck on the red side, and there are various problems with it. It's mostly undercooked, although there's also some overcooked chicken. Out in the dining room, Nilka is trying to work while JP is in her face demanding to know where the Dijon mustard and Cognac are from. She doesn't want to be charming and chat with the customers.
Fran has some problems with garnish and gets thrown off the station and replaced by Benjamin. Chef Ramsay has a string of about ten [bleep]s in a row as he also catches Fran waving a hot pan around. Over on the blue side, Salvatore learns that the response to "Where's the garnish for the two chicken?" is not "Two chicken, chef?" Soon, Chef Ramsay is in despair, moaning, "Oh, now it's on fire." And then he kicks the garbage can and the wacky editors shake the camera. Hilarious?
Both teams are finishing their entrees amid drama about duck-slicing. Siobhan is pleased that all their food went out and none of it came back. Jay thinks the blue team finished first but that Salvatore stunk. Everyone comes out to toast the happy couple, and then all the customers are gone. It's time for the kitchen line-up!
Chef Ramsay complains about: Fran not draining potatoes, Salvatore's general lousiness, and Holli messing up the duck and chicken that one time. He's based his decision on "how difficult it was to get food out," so the red team loses. As a team, they'll pick two nominees, which should obviously be Fran and Holli.
Up in the patio, Fran suggests Holli and Ben. Ben disagrees and points out that Fran had more problems. She acts the martyr in an interview, completely ignoring the fact that we just saw Gordon call her out as having had a bad service. Nilka nominates Siobbhan and Fran, but refuses to defend it. Siobhan wants Holli and Fran.
Once there are nominees, the blue team asks for details. Jason is shocked (shocked!) that Holli could be on the list. He believes that Holli isn't the worst cook on the team, and now Nilka and Benjamin are doubting their choice, so they go back to tell Siobhan she's no good. Benjamin condescendingly tells Siobhan that she doesn't have the skills, and she points out in an interview that he's cooked with them for one service. Anyway, she didn't have a bad service, but Benjamin has decided that's not what matters.
With the decision now in doubt, the red team lines up in the dining room. Chef Ramsay asks Holli for the first nominee. It's Fran, because things came out a little slow. Second nominee? The musical stalling gets so oppressive that even Gordon, who presumably is not normally subject to the dramatic editing, demands a second time to know who it is. It's Siobhan. Why? "We were talking about who would be the worst cooks in the kitchen." Gordon looks skeptical. "So she didn't have a terrible service but you wanted to nominate her." Benjamin puts in his oar and pontificates about Siobhan's supposed lack of technical experience and passion for food.
Siobhan, why should you stay? "I have so much passion and so much heart." She also denies being over her head. Fran thinks she is. Fran, why should you stay? "I get stronger every time you yell at me." Gordon thinks she's peaked. Anyway, his decision is: "Fran! Get back in line! Siobhan! Take... yourself back to the red team. Yes, you did lose, but there is one chef who had the worst service. Salvatore! C'mere! Out of seven services, you've had one good one." So long, Salvatore. Incidentally, this was not a particularly shocking twist.
Benjamin is a little fed up with his team, suggesting that the garbage can would be a better cook than Fran and Siobhan. Classy guy, that Benjamin.
Check back soon for Part 2 of the double episode, then watch the episode here, discuss it in our forums, and see why we'd never eat here!
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Monty's daily blog is Mysterious Exhortations. You can email Monty at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.