I hate the official titles for these episodes. Who's going to be interested in "15 Chefs Compete"? No one, that's who. Tivo has another title for this one, which is even worse: "A chef argues with Ramsay." Feh.
Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 55
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 50
Best Quote by Salvatore: "Chef, they going to think I'm a man-whore."
The chefs all trudge upstairs to talk about their experiences. The red team (that's the women, who lost last episode) is particularly glum. Autumn starts in on explaining what they need to do better, and it appears that her primary recommendation is "Do what Autumn says." Siobhan tells us that she won't put up with that. Fran tells Autumn she's not a team player. As you remember, Fran decided Autumn wasn't a team player at approximately the moment that Autumn nominated Fran for elimination. What a coincidence!
Over in the blue team's huddle, Andrew is talking about how he's not intimidated by Chef Ramsay. And he doesn't even think the food in Hell's Kitchen is that good. Meanwhile, everyone knows that Mikey (silly finhawk) is going to be one of the first to go once they lose. I'm glad to see that the men appear to understand that they only won on a technicality. The real winners last week were the few chefs that were allowed to stay in the kitchen and finish the dinner service.
Then everyone goes to sleep. And they're awoken at 5:00 AM by Sous Chefs Scott and Andi with an amplified alarm clock. I think there's a chance that they keep waking the chefs up in the middle of the night because Ramsay has jet lag from flying to Los Angeles, so he doesn't want anyone else to be able to sleep, either. Anyway! They line up in the dining room and receive their challenge.
The chefs will work in pairs, and each pair will cook eggs four ways: poached, soft-boiled, sunny-side-up, and scrambled. You're lucky they're not making deviled eggs, because I would go on a huge digression about how great my deviled egg recipe is. As it is, I'm keeping the digression reasonably short.
Because the women have an odd number, Siobhan will be working on her own. And they're off! They have five minutes. Wait, you can cook four different kinds of egg in five minutes? I must be amazingly inefficient. Autumn calls for Siobhan to come work with her and Fran. Autumn and Fran are working together? This is the worst feud ever.
There is a frenzy of cooking. Scott recommends that nobody burn themselves. Autumn makes some of Siobhan's eggs for her so she just has to do poached. Scott is a busybody and makes Salvatore cook his eggs longer.
Nilka and Maria have four perfect eggs. Salvatore and Mikey have overcooked their scrambled egg, and they do not blame Scott to Chef Ramsay's face. Mikey's two eggs are fine. Siobhan doesn't know how long she cooked her soft-boiled egg, and she admits that she got help. She phrases it as "My teammates helped me," presumably hoping that the display of teamwork will mean that she doesn't get in trouble for not following the instructions to work alone. When Gordon frowns at her, she claims that she wanted to work alone, but "there was pressure from my team." Well, so much for the teamwork angle. Then she blames Autumn specifically. Finally she admits that she only did the poached egg. In an interview, she claims that she was forced to accept the help. Oh, come on. I didn't see her arguing. She's in tears. Gordon does like her poached egg, though.
Ed and Jay appear to do well, except for their scrambled. We're tied 5-5 at the moment. Autumn and Fran step forward and it turns out that their poached egg was done by Siobhan. Ramsay is not impressed. After a couple more rounds, the women are up 10-8, then Jason and Ben get two out of three acceptable, so it all comes down to the last egg. It always comes down to the last egg. So... is Ben's soft-boiled egg good enough to break the tie? Yes. The men win!
The reward is "A beautiful! Stunning! Helicopter tour of L.A." I like that Gordon is trying to mix in other adjectives than "amazing". Salvatore is delighted in his probably-fake Italian accent. The women will be gutting and filleting tuna as their punishment.
Siobhan is sobbing on the way to the dorms. She tells people to stop consoling her, because she just wants to cry it out and then she'll be fine. And while she does that in her bunk, Nilka and Autumn talk about how quickly Siobhan threw them under the bus. When Siobhan comes out, Autumn tries to apologize, but doesn't quite make it: "I'm sorry... if you're upset." Nice try.
Meanwhile, Gordon and the men take a helicopter ride. They seem excited.
When the tuna arrives for the women, it's enormous and wet. Jamie thinks she had to carry 75% of the weight while the other five carried the last 25%.
The helicopter lands somewhere (it might be the top of the building where they shoot this) and the men have champagne.
Autumn cuts into the fish, but Maria is distressed that she didn't take the skin off first. They fight. Meanwhile, the men are all smiles and laughs on the roof with Gordon. And Salvatore talks a lot about how many women he's had sex with.
The day, the women are doing prep. Siobhan is unsure what consistency to make the potatoes, and Autumn assures her that it doesn't have to be perfect. You know, I'm not absolutely sure that's Gordon Ramsay's philosophy in a kitchen. On Siobhan's other side, Fran starts poking at the potatoes. Then Nilka tries to get Siobhan off the potatoes so she can do it herself.
It's time for the service. Chef Ramsay allegedly surprises the teams with the news that they'll be doing tuna tartare tableside. Isn't this the sort of thing you have to know before prep starts? And ideally as far back as when you were slicing up the tuna? The people working tableside will be Fran and Scott, which probably means that Gordon thinks they're good chefs and wants to keep them out of the way for a few episodes. Chef Ramsay asks Salvatore to name the desserts, and he can't name even one. Out of the kitchen! Get out! And study a menu. That's not as much fun as throwing someone out before the service even starts.
In a seemingly irrelevant moment, we see Autumn pouring salt into a pot of water while listening to her talk about how "the last thing we want to do is lose." Then Chef Ramsay tastes the water and makes everyone taste it. It's gross and salty. He demands to know who did it, and Autumn says she seasoned the water "originally" but that someone else must have added salt after her. Maria, in an interview, is not impressed. Nothing comes of it. Open the kitchen!
Jay is sent upstairs to get Salvatore. As he comes back, the first order comes in. Salvatore manages to say the desserts. The women's water isn't boiling yet. And it's time for Mikey's risotto! It is... undercooked. Chef Ramsay tells Scott to go serve that table more tuna tartare.
Siobhan is on risotto for the women. And as if that weren't enough bad news, she's getting help from Autumn. Chef Ramsay spots Autumn seasoning the risotto over Siobhan's shoulder and orders her to order Autumn to get up out of her business. Nilka tells them to knock it off and just cook.
Fran has trouble finding the right table. I think we're supposed to be laughing at her, but this isn't really her gig, you know? People in the kitchen don't always know where table 30 is. I'm not that offended by it.
Back to Mikey's risotto. After 43 minutes, it gets out of the kitchen. But the customers declare it undercooked and send it back. Mikey's cohorts despair. Chef Ramsay shouts at him. It's [bleep] ahoy in the kitchen! Benjamin tells Mikey to relax and not rush. Over on the red side, they're on entrees, but Nilka is late with the garnish. She stops answering the other chefs, and that's never good.
Salvatore brings Lamb Wellington, and it's done correctly. Nice to see. But Jason's chicken isn't ready. He tries cooking it faster, but that never works. He takes Chef's Ramsay's abuse well and starts another chicken. Well handled.
On the red side, Jamie's salmon has some sort of problem and there's a communication breakdown. On the blue side, Andrew's talking up a storm, but he's not talking to anyone. He might be talking to the garnishes he's working on. When he asks Jay to bring up some garnish, it doesn't go well. The mashed potatoes look like soup. Chef Ramsay shouts at Andrew and explains, as you would to a small child, how to make mashed potatoes. I would actually appreciate that, because my mashed potatoes never come out right. But we don't see enough of the explanation for me to make use of it, and now Andrew is disagreeing with Chef Ramsay. He doesn't like being told he can't cook risotto in a sauté pan. He tells Chef Ramsay this, and promptly gets thrown out of the kitchen. But first, Chef Ramsay gets in his face and tells him he's a joke. He's not shouting here, so I think there's a chance he's legitimately angry.
Andrew is in the dining room, because he wasn't sent back to the dorms. He starts to walk out the front door, but JP stops him. "He's just testing you," explains JP. Andrew doesn't want to go get yelled at again. He decides he doesn't need this, so he takes off his shoes (I'm not going to explain that. So there!) and leaves. Scott gets called in from the dining room to cover for him.
Then both teams suddenly complete the dinner service! So that's two episodes in a row, which is an improvement on last season. Chef Ramsay lines everyone up. He complains about Jason's chicken, Mikey's risotto, Nilka's garnish and Jamie's general cooking. Nobody wins. Each team is to come to a consensus on the one person from their team that should go home. Will they have the sense to limit their choices to the people that Chef Ramsay explicitly criticized? Let's find out!
Jay thinks Jason should go. So does Benjamin. Jason mocks the very idea that he could be nominated. He suggests Salvatore, as does Mikey. Mikey interviews that he was surprised that no one nominated him. And he appears to have the sense not to suggest it. The women, meanwhile, start to lean on Nilka. But Maria makes a good case for Autumn, who couldn't salt the water properly.
Down in the dining room, the women say that they have a decision. Maria announces that Autumn is their nomination, for the salty water. And what else? Siobhan says she's not a team player. Okay. Benjamin puts Jason forward for the men because "he's not a team player, and he makes it difficult for us to work with him." Chef Ramsay seems skeptical that Jason is the worst cook on the blue team, but all the men assure him he is.
Autumn, why should you stay? "I have the skills and the talent." She thinks it's personal. The red team admits she's not the worst cook. Fran was the first to admit it, incidentally. So who, Chef Ramsay demands, is the worst cook? They reluctantly decide on Jamie, who Chef Ramsay swaps with Autumn. Autumn's back in line. Now, Jamie, why should you stay? "I have so much heart." Jason, same question. "I messed up with the chicken, there's no doubt about that. But I keep pushing."
And the person who's going is... Mikey! I advise future contestants to keep in mind the fact that Gordon Ramsay does not care who you nominate. At all.
So Mikey's gone. And he doesn't regret his Hell's Kitchen tattoo. He should.
Maria regrets nominating Autumn. Jamie is ticked off at Maria for calling her the worst cook.
week: Panic in the kitchen!
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Monty's daily blog is Mysterious Exhortations. You can email Monty at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.