A suspicious person would wonder if Montykins specifically timed his vacation so that he'd be out of town the week that the finale of this lackluster season aired. I am that sort of person, so I'm definitely thinking he planned this. Especially when he found out it was two hours. Note to self: Check the calendar more closely when approving vacation time in the future. Anyway, you're stuck with me for the night, so let's get take a deep breath and get on with padding!
Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 13
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 35
The Amount Angel Cares Who Actually Wins This Thing: 0
The remaining chefs are leaving the restaurant after last week's meet-up with their families. They all want a smoke, even Kevin, who doesn't smoke. They all feel inspired after seeing their loved ones, and now they think they have what it takes to make it to the end. Apparently, they never thought this before, only now that they've gotten the best surprise ever. And might I ask, how is it a surprise if you've ever seen this show before? They ALWAYS bring the family members in at the end.
The morning, at the crack of dawn, Dave's smoking instead of sleeping because he's really nervous. Healthy! They all interview that they can't wait for the final two. Let's not count our chickens, Ariel. Downstairs Gordon reminds them for the millionth time about the job in Whistler. He presents three domes that each have a flag from a different nation tucked underneath them. Each chef gets to pick a platter and come up with a dish based on that nation's cuisine. Ariel gets China. Dave gets India and he's panicking because he's never cooked Indian food. Kevin gets Mexico and thinks it's a gimme. But Dave shouldn't have been too worried because some producer even pulled spices and foods from each nation and put them on segregated shelves. Could this be easier? They get 45 minutes to cook something, Dave really has some struggles, he's not even sure if he's allowed to use beef or pork. He thinks that he vaguely remembers something about not eating cows in India, but that's where his knowledge base ends.
After they've stressed and rushed their plates to the pass, Gordon informs them that he's brought in three amazing chefs to do taste test. Vikas Khanna, an Indian chef, Thomas Ortega, who merits no special introduction, and Eddie Wong, who runs Mr. Chow. I've seen him make noodles on TV before. It's mesmerizing. Ariel gets nervous (just like Dave a few weeks ago) and can't even tell the chefs what she cooked. Through her mumbling I'm able to ascertain that she made noodles that have leeches and plums? Maybe? The guest judges aren't really fans. Kevin made an orange and cumin pork tenderloin with a chocolate mole sauce... but he forgot to put the sauce on the plate. Ariel is unabashedly smiling.
After the break, Thomas says that it is missing the sauce. Eddie and Vikas like it OK, though. This is TV, after all; they can't let this be a total landslide. Dave presents his dish with the caveat that he's never cooked Indian food before. It's a bean puree and a pork tenderloin. Vikas tell him that pork isn't big in India because of the Muslim population. Gordon seems to be trying not to actually laugh at him. Thomas thinks the spices are OK and Eddie says it is good. Vikas actually likes his lentils and flavors, all things considered. Dave wins. All of the chefs are cooking their signature dishes for him. He also wins some shiny cookware. The losers are prepping for dinner and polishing silverware. It's one of the nicer punishments they've had. At least this one doesn't involve cleaning up purposefully spilled milk. While the chefs return to their apartment they walk past Kevin's tasty mole on the way upstairs and sample it. Dave agrees that it might have helped him win.
While Kevin and Ariel are working doing their prep, Dave's family comes in and sits to him for his specially prepared lunch. Dave gets to hang in the kitchens while the pro chefs are cooking. The food looks amazing, but we don't get to see enough of it. And only like a second of Eddie Wong and his noodles. Damn. That might have made this two hours a little less painful. Instead, we get to watch the others ironing. Riveting. Truly. Kevin says he's more fired up because he lost. And it doesn't matter if he lost the challenge, because he's going to win the whole thing. He may be right. He's definitely got a better shot than Ariel, at this point.
There's a quick black-and-white montage of the fallen contestants, and then Gordon gives them a pep talk. I actually expected a lengthy recap of the season, so just this 30 second thing isn't so terrible. Gordon tells the final three that during dinner service they'll get the chance to run the hot plate, just like they do every season. And FYI announcer dude, I highly doubt the Hell's Kitchen is a "hot spot" in Los Angeles. Free food might attract starving people and wannabe actors, but that's about it. The doors open and appetizers seem to be going fairly smoothly. It always amazes me that when there are 16 people they can't get through a dinner service, but with only three they can succeed. I guess because they've had more time to adapt, but you'd think with all those hands they'd be able to get it together.
Kevin is first up at the pass. He says he's been doing it anyway, in his cocksure way, but now he's going to do it better. Sous Chef Scott does some fish sabotage by swapping out two different kinds of seafood. Kevin catches it right away. Ariel sends overcooked lamb. Then sends lamb with the bones not properly cut off. Kevin suspects that she's doing it on purpose, but it looks like general incompetence to me. I'm not entirely sure she's talented enough to sabotage Kevin on purpose. She finally gets her meals out and Kevin gets a "good job" from Gordon.
Dave takes over the kitchen and he goes insane. He starts screaming at everyone, including Heather and chef Scott. Scott basically tells him to chill the hell out. And that helps a bit. But then He misses that they've swapped spinach and asparagus. Gordon pulls him aside and reminds him that he needs to taste things. Then not a minute later (at least in TV edited time), there's another sabotaged tuna dish that's wrong. Again, Gordon's not happy, but tells Dave to calm down. He might use a bit of profanity to get his point across, but it actually seems like he's being nice here. Then Dave finally notices that the tuna is cold and that salt is missing in certain items, and he gets some good comments from Gordon.
Ariel's up, she seems loud enough, but she doesn't notice parsnip puree isn't mashed potatoes. And she tasted it. And she still didn't notice it. Distracted or stressed can be fixed, lack of palate can't. She does notice that Scott swapped the garnish on some fish, but then she yells out a ton of orders at once and Kevin is confused. Ariel blames Kevin, but Gordon has to step in and get things going properly. She manages to get through it, but not as smoothly as either of the guys.
Gordon says they all had their ups and downs, so it is hard for him to make a choice. He tells them he wants each of them to tell him who deserves to go home. He dispatches them so they have time to think about it. Dave feels lost about this. Ariel asks Kevin if he messed up the scallops on purpose. He doesn't cop to it, but Dave thinks maybe Kevin didn't try his hardest. I'd actually believe that Kevin was capable of sabotaging Ariel, but I just don't think he really cares enough. He seems pretty confident that he can beat both of them with one hand tied behind his back... oh wait, that's what Dave is doing. Still Kevin seems to think Ariel's incompetent enough on her own.
Back in Hell's Kitchen, Gordon says he can see any of them running his restaurant. Yeah, I don't buy it. Kevin doesn't think Ariel's up to the task since she's been in the bottom a couple of times. Ariel thinks that Kevin didn't have her back so he should go home. Dave makes a constipated face and then says that he felt lost during the service when Ariel was running the pass, so she should be eliminated. Gordon says this pointless exercise didn't help him at all. Gee, there's a shocker. He asks why they should be in the final. Kevin says he can accomplish anything he puts his mind to. Ariel says she's grown a lot and feels like she can be a good leader. Dave thinks that he's led himself throughout the competition and that the kitchen won't run him. Two fancy banner screens fall down with the HK logo on them. The first person advancing is Dave, and his face is larger than life. Kevin is , which means that Ariel's gone. No big surprise. Gordon tells her that she's got ambition that he appreciates. He lets her keep her jacket as a reminder of everything that she's accomplished. Well, that's thoughtful, I guess.
We're at the midway point and get to see a little recap of the season and a preview of the finals. I guess that's for people who are just tuning in. I, however, am not, so let's get on with this damned show, OK? The boys are both very excited to make it to the last competition. They have 30 minutes to prep before the limo comes to get them. They don't know where they're going -- my guess would be Whistler. Nope, they're going to the rooftop of a hotel in downtown LA. Chef Ramsey's all pumped up on the roof and is wearing a t-shirt. He takes them over to the ledge, and I briefly wonder if he's going to push the loser over the side. Sadly no, but that would make this show much more interesting. "Your risotto was terrible, and you can't cook scallops! Remove your jacket and take a flying leap!" That would be more incentive for these people not to suck so much. Instead, we look over and there is a sea of extras at a Hollywood-esque looking premiere. They have to go down (presumably to the hotel kitchen) and make a dish worthy of their head chef position. They get 45 minutes. Kevin makes a petite clambake with poached lobster and corn pudding. Dave is cooking a rack of venison with a sour cream and chive parsnip puree. At least no one is making risotto. The onlookers see the action via massive screens. Seriously, the giant screen budget for this show must be out of control.
The people are clapping and screaming for Kevin. Two woman shout out that they love Dave. Now I'm not 100 percent sure, but usually these types of shows are done filming before the episodes ever start airing, so since they don't appear to be either of the family members we met earlier, they'd have no idea who Dave is. I hope they got paid for this. Or at least enjoy their three seconds of fame. Anyway, Gordon says there's a panel of experts judging the two dishes. Alain Gayot, food critic, takes a taste of both of them. He picks Dave's dish. I hope there's new silverware for each of these people, but it doesn't really look like there's much room on this teeny table. Jamie Maw steps up out of the audience, he also picks Dave. Kevin starts interviewing in the third person about how Kevin is in the hole right now. Tanya Steel from Epicurious comes up, she's impressed by both but she picks Kevin. Of course, because Gordon would never let this be decided without letting all of the guest judges get a taste and screen time. That's not exciting TV. Warren Geraghty, chef from Canada, unsurprisingly picks Kevin to even things out. Colman Andrews contributing editor of the now defunct Gourmet magazine, is the deciding vote and selects Dave's venison. Dave's "super-stoked."
In Hell's Kitchen, the crews are busily transforming the restaurant. Do they not get to do that thing where they decide on décor? Did I miss that? Or does that come later? I love it when they try and make the production crew come up with a water feature or something equally nuts in a 24-hour period. Kevin will be working with Heather on the red side, Dave's got Scott on the blue side. Hope Scott doesn't have it out for Dave after Dave screamed at him during the last challenge. Gordon takes them out front to see the special deliveries. They open up the truck and it is some of the former chefs. Shocker. What a motley crew this is. Dave gets to pick first since he won last night. Dave picks Ariel, figuring that she must be able to cook since she placed third. I wouldn't necessarily think those two things go together. Kevin excitedly takes a very smiley Van. Bromance! Dave takes big Robert. I'd be wary, since he could pass out during service. Kevin picks Amanda because his menu is fish-heavy, but he hasn't worked with her ditzy ass before. Suzanne fully expects to be picked last, but she's not because Dave takes her for his team. Sabrina is the last member of Kevin's team.
Back in the kitchen they have to prep their menus. Kevin's got a lot of complicated ingredients. Dave keeps it pretty simple and uncomplicated. Robert says that he looked over and thinks that all of Kevin's dishes could be on the cover of Gourmet magazine... well, not anymore. He doesn't care what Kevin's actually cooking, he just wants to eat it. Given his size, I'm guessing he's not super-particular about what he eats in general. He thinks that Dave's in a lot of trouble. The final menus are three apps, three entrees and three desserts. Kevin's features an app of caramelized scallops, an entree of coffee cured beef tenderloin and a trio of crème brulee. As usual, we've got no clue what the other dishes are, especially since Kevin said his menu was very fish-heavy. I think I saw him making some lobster or shrimp... hard to tell, I was distracted by the heavy cream he was pouring over it. Maybe Robert wasn't so wrong. Dave's menu has a wild mushroom risotto, a roasted loin of venison and a dark chocolate mousse. Gordon warns that Kevin's could be too complicated and Dave's could be simple. Its all about the execution.
Right before service starts, Gordon pulls them aside and says that there's something that has been bothering him. Is it Dave's big ugly cast? Nope. I'm wrong again. He says they don't look the part of head chef, he gives them new jackets so they command respect. Dave's ready, cast and all. Van says that the one-armed bandit is going down. He is far more enthused about this than I am.
The current head chef of Araxi is among the bigwigs from up north judging the guys on their performance tonight. Orders start pouring in, and they start reading off the tickets. Amanda says that Kevin makes her nervous and she really wants to do a good job for him. So what does she do? Gives him undercooked scallops. Repeatedly. So that he has to make her and Van swap places. Robert claims that he's going to bring the pain, which leads to a footage of him sort of wiggling and plodding around. I didn't need that. Thanks. Dave's got the first apps out. Sabrina interviews that they are heading to the "pooper" fast. Oh how I missed Sabrina's colloquial little turns of phrase.
Gordon stands around and gives a play by play to the cameras. I kind of miss when he just rails into people. Dave's almost done with apps, but they are very low on mushrooms. Which leads to a ridiculous fight where Robert acts like a baby because Dave was trying to cover his ass and put out a decent product at the same time. Seriously, I just want to punch Robert's smug face. Is that so wrong? If they bring him back again for anything I am DONE with this show for good. I swear. Kevin's diners aren't all that happy with his crunchy risotto. HOW DO THEY NOT KNOW HOW TO COOK RISOTTO???? It's on Amanda. He's regretting that decision to pick her now. Van's going to micromanage her. Van says he's getting Gordon flashbacks from Kevin, and we're treated to Gordon riding Van's ass all season.
Dave's already on to entrees. But Ariel overcooks some venison, which only holds them up for a couple minutes. Kevin gets the Araxi ticket and tells them not to screw it up. Kevin calls out different temperatures and confuses Amanda, which is not hard to do. Even Gordon seems to take note of Kevin's mixed messages. Amanda gets more flustered, and then something seems to be on fire in Amanda's pan. Not a good sign. Still, it's not that far behind, since it is 8:45. That actually seems to be a quick turn around by Hell's Kitchen standards. Kevin was about to lose it, and then decided to go over and actually help everyone, which is actually kind of a decent thing to do.
Dave's got four tables left, and Kevin's got six. Of course, Ariel starts sending out some undercooked food. Which gets Gordon mad. This slip-up ties up both teams. But then it is all quickly resolved. Dave finishes first and hugs everyone, Kevin finishes closely behind and is happy.
Back upstairs, Dave is smoking thinking he wasn't quite as strong. Kevin seems to think that this was even more stressful than waiting for his baby to be born. They get a phone call to go down to Gordon's office. Gordon says that he's proud of both of them, and that the feedback from the customers made this the closest decision EVER on Hell's Kitchen. Isn't it that way every season? He has them both step up to their doors for the prolonged door opening sequence. I notice that while Dave's one hand is broken, his other hand is all beaten to hell as well. Is he just prone to cutting/burning himself? Or is this just a fluke? I can't get a good enough look at Kevin's hands to see if this is just par for the Hell's Kitchen course.
After the break we see the families downstairs sending up their well wishes and generally screaming excitedly in anticipation. The door finally opens and Dave walks through. Interesting. I actually thought it would be Kevin. Though it really did seem like an even match. Good for the clumsy little one-armed bandit. Gordon grabs Kevin and gives him a big headlock/hug. Kevin's kid looks confused and sad. Dave does his interviews in full-on tears. I wonder if he has time for his arm to heal before he has to start his new job. Gordon claims that he admired his ability to work through the pain. And thankfully we don't have to watch Dave doubling over every time he hits his arm. There's champagne and confetti and the usual celebratory nonsense. And some really, really fake green-screen fireworks.
Over the credits there are outtakes from the season interspersed with the finale party. They include some arm-wrestling and kids torturing JP and Robert being stupid. Then there's Gordon saying, "I ain't nobody's bitch" over and over. And that's it. Have fun in Whistler, Dave. Good luck with the Olympics that we heard mentioned about a million times. And hope that the folks find more interesting people for season. Oh, and please, if you care about me at all, do NOT bring Robert back. OK?
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see how vlogger Sean Crespo thought the season finale of HK would play out in No Prior Knowledge!