Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 58
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 28
How Many of the Five Contestants Montykins Now Hates: All five!
So, Van's gone. That must be why it seems so quiet as everyone files back to the dorms. Dave is outraged that Tennille sold Van out to Gordon, although you'd think everyone would have noticed that Gordon sends home whoever he feels like regardless of who's nominated. Tennille and Dave are both outraged and stomp off while Kevin stays out of it. Meanwhile, Suzanne and Ariel are also stressing out.
The morning, the five remaining chefs line up in the dining room for the first individual challenge. It's about focusing on presentation, and the judging will be done by Gordon and the editorial staff of Bon Appetit magazine. They'll be ranking the dishes purely on presentation, then the top two will be tasted by Gordon and the Editor-in-Chief, Barbara Fairchild. Okay, cook!
Kevin decides to make a Caribbean sea bass. Suzanne has a calamari salad, which draws low-key disdain from Dave, who's making a rack of lamb. Ariel's got a prosciutto-wrapped John Dory. Tennille has an "Asian-inspired red snapper". I'm sorry, but when you put the word "Asian" that close to "red snapper", all I can think of is this video clip. Unfortunately, her fish looks terrible, so she's forced to cover it with vegetables and hope no one notices. In this presentation challenge. Good luck!
The editorial staff (all eight of them) give the dishes a good eyeballing. Dave locks up and can only describe his dish as "a pan-seared, um, red and yellow, um ..." Complete vapor lock. The dishes are ranked and Gordon announces the results. Tennille is fifth and Suzanne is fourth ("My dish was a piece of art. But whatever!"). Kevin is first, because Gordon firmly believes that announcing things in a random order enhances the drama. Ariel is second, and that means Dave is third and out of the running. Time for the tasting!
Kevin explains to us that "it comes down to which one tastes the best". That'll make a nice twist. The winner is ... both of them! Gordon Ramsay spits on your "rules"! Kevin and Ariel will be going to a photo shoot with Gordon and Barbara and their dishes will be featured in the magazine. They seem pretty happy about this, and why wouldn't they? And the punishment for the three losers is to go clean a stretch of road that Hell's Kitchen has adopted. Dave vows that "If I have to hear Tennille bitching, I'll lose my mind." Noted. Dave, Suzanne, and Tennille are sent upstairs to get their road-cleaning jumpsuits. Yes, they're orange. And they have to ride a prison bus to get to their road. Of course, they're the only three on it, so we're still keeping to the Hell's Kitchen Wasteful Transportation Ethos.
The road-cleaning chefs are not happy with their task, nor do they like each other. Meanwhile, Gordon welcomes Kevin and Ariel to a beachside hotel for their photoshoot. The losers have to clean the front steps of Hell's Kitchen itself so that when the winners come back, they walk right over the red carpet while Tennille's trying to steam-clean it. Tennille is taking this punishment really personally. She should be glad she was allowed outside for this one. Meanwhile, Dave appears to have injured his wrist while sweeping. The bad wrist, not the good wrist. The one in the plaster. As Dave lies on his bed, Kevin stops by to talk about how much damage he could be doing to his wrist and how he might be jinxed. Kevin thinks Dave should consider dropping out. He's clearly suggesting this because he thinks Dave has a chance of winning, but he's not doing it in a jokey, nudge-nudge way. He's seriously trying to convince Dave that he's just a concerned friend. Dave doesn't appear to be buying it, but it's hard to tell with Dave. He's a taciturn dude.
The day, or anyway a day, everyone's doing prep. Kevin plans to make a big deal out of doing everyone's job for them. That sounds pleasant for everyone. Chef Ramsay lines everyone up to talk about determination and also to insist on perfection. Then he demands high-fives, so you know he's ... serious? Is that what high fives mean now?
The menu for the night has the two winning dishes from the challenge, so there might be some sea bass and John Dory around the place. Whatever will they do without Van the Magic Fish Cook?
JP brings the first order into the kitchen with a muttered (and subtitled, because he says it in French) "Hurry up". Dave's on cold appetizers, Tennille's on hot appetizers, and Suzanne is on fish. Dave takes this opportunity to ask if there are any new cold apps he needs to know, and Tennille believes that he must be a [bleep] idiot. I agree that he should probably have asked that before the dinner service started. But since there aren't, he should be fine. Both the new dishes will be Suzanne's problem, I guess.
Suzanne doesn't have two scallops ready, which she blames on Tennille not telling her about. They do get the order out, then Chef Ramsay is calling out multiple tickets. Tennille drops risotto and tells Suzanne when to drop some scallops. But when Ariel thinks the risotto is "mush", Tennille declares it "fine". I don't think risotto is something you want to bluff with on this show. And indeed, Chef Ramsay rejects it and demands new risotto. And then Suzanne has some scallops that are burnt on one side. Ah, scallops and risotto. The essence of Hell's Kitchen. Dave does okay with his tuna, but Tennille's replacement risotto is mushy. She claims that normally she's "the risotto wizard", which is quite a claim. Actually, I can't decide if that would be impressive or not.
Chef Ramsay wants to know who cooked the rice in prep. Kevin takes responsibility, and Chef Ramsay rounds everyone up to complain about the rice being "all bitty, mushy, grainy ... look! Underneath all that muck, that's supposed to be a risotto!" Dave's opinion is that Kevin ruined the rice, but that Tennille should have noticed it. Kevin is straightforward: "I [bleep]ed it up!" Ariel offers to start some more rice, and Suzanne locates a pan of rice that is fine for risotto. Chef Ramsay barely acknowledges this in favor of dumping on Tennille for using the bad rice. And Kevin for ruining it. Chef Ramsay is shocked that these people can't identify unusable rice. Tennille describes Chef Ramsay as being "on Kevin like white on risotto".
Tennille brings up a new pan containing two orders of risotto, and Chef Ramsay insists that she and Kevin rush up to the pass. Urgently! This time, he wants to curse at them about how good the risotto is. You can identify every grain! Do it like this! Bleep, bleep, bleep! And so on. So appetizers are going fine, and it's time for entrees.
Ariel is on meat and brings four chickens to the pass. Chef Ramsay is not happy, because one of the pieces is raw. RAWWWWW! "I won't serve pink chicken!" Ariel is frustrated with herself, and Kevin is a little sanctimonious with all his "I thought Ariel was a lot better than that."
An order of Dory, sea bass, and halibut allows us to see Kevin (on garnish) and Suzanne (fish) working together. There is raw fish, which leads to Kevin sneering about how "these girls just can't cook". I hate all these people, except possibly for Ariel and Dave. Chef Ramsay starts mumbling about how this is absolutely not possible.
Out in the kitchen, JP apologizes to a table about late food. I imagine that happens a lot.
An hour and a half in, only half the entrees have gone out. Ariel is late with some lamb, which means that Kevin's garnish might have to be redone. So she rushes it, and they're poorly cut. Kevin smirks a bit about how "it's just painful to watch". Chef Ramsay walks Ariel out of the kitchen and into the dining room so that he can yell at her in front of all the customers. Pure class, this guy. After they come back into the kitchen, Chef Ramsay runs off about fifteen [bleep]s before rounding up all the chefs and delivering an ultimatum: "Either you get it together right now or [bleep] off!"
Suzanne brings up some sea bass and Dave brings up what looks suspiciously like a dessert, all while we're supposedly waiting for Ariel to provide some lamb. Finally, the last table is done.
After the service, Chef Ramsay is very, very disappointed in everyone. He describes the evening as watching a giant soufflé collapse. I like the culinary simile there. Everyone is sent up to the dorms to think about what they've done, and also to come up with two people to nominate.
Kevin suggests they just do a vote and see how things go. Suzanne nominates Ariel and Tennille. Tennille is outraged that Suzanne would nominate her, just because Ramsay was shouting at her all night. Also, Suzanne feels she was a team player that night. "I was tight. Beautiful ... beautiful." Ariel nominates Kevin and Tennille for the risotto. Kevin is outraged! So the voting doesn't seem to be going well.
Down in the dining room, Chef Ramsay asks if they've come to a decision, and they all chorus "Yes, chef!" Well, we'll see. Chef Ramsay asks Kevin who the nominees are, and he puts forth Ariel for "inconsistencies, raw chicken, and lamb that wasn't quite up to par". His second nominee is Suzanne, for "raw fish, overcooked scallops, and she thought she had a good service tonight."
Suzanne, this is your fourth time. Why should you stay? "I was focused on solid techniques and standard of food and cooking things to perfection." Chef Ramsay applauds her focus, but wishes she had accomplished any of that. Ariel, what's your story? "I do believe that I am a better chef." Chef Ramsay thinks they both should go, but settles on Suzanne. Fine with me.
Suzanne claims that the experience has been very enlightening. I think what she learned is that she hates people, and that they hate her. There's a great shot of her lurking behind a doorway like she's Gollum spying on the Precious.
The final four are shooed away with dire warnings about bouncing back. All four of them give interviews about how great they are. week: Dave's wrist! Again! And two shocking surprises!
You can email Monty at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.
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