Oh boy! A two-hour episode! And not two one-hour episodes crudely stuck together to make up for the fact that there wasn't an episode last week. Nope. Definitely a two-hour episode. Possibly with a dramatic cliffhanger in the middle for some reason. Let's do this!
Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 14 in the first half, 40 in the second
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 20 and 40
Total score: 114, which is surely a new record. We'll need another two-parter to beat that!
Say, do you think it's weird that Hell's Kitchen had a "French challenge" the same week that Top Chef did? And a few weeks earlier, both shows had a craps-themed challenge the same week? That's clearly coincidence (because doing it on purpose would be a lot of work), but it's a weird one.
It's been a couple of weeks, so Tennille starts things off by shouting at us in an interview. Great. We're back to that. Then (after a shot of the moon that is not a full moon for once), the blue team sits down with Suzanne to explain how Things are Going To Be. Kevin tells her that they don't like her and that she'd better shut up and do what she's told. Well, this is going to be a lovely experience for all concerned! Especially me! Oh, and Van piles on, warning Suzanne that they're a team and they never, ever throw people under the bus. Like that time Van threw Robert under the bus. Don't do anything like that. Although Kevin makes it clear that they'll have no problem throwing Suzanne under this hypothetical bus, which has to be having trouble getting traction at this point, what with all the people underneath it.
Dining room. Challenge time. Sous Chef Scott glowers at the chefs and introduces ... a giant television, which is lowered from the ceiling. Chef Ramsay is on the television, claiming to have flown overnight to Whistler, British Columbia. That's where the prize is, remember? A restaurant at the site of the 2010 Winter Olympics? Chef Ramsay talks about fresh, local ingredients (as he does) and explains that he's had fifteen ingredients from Whistler shipped down to Hell's Kitchen, and the teams will be making three entrees each, using each ingredient exactly once. Okay, break!
The chefs have two and a half hours, which is supposedly the time it will take Gordon and his special guests to get back there. The red team appears to be having communication problems as Ariel and Tennille are ignoring Sabrina. At one point, Ariel and Tennille agree that a rack of lamb will go well with cranberries, but Sabrina doesn't think it's lamb. She explains this to us in an interview that it's actually venison, because it's purple. Well, that's interesting. I learned something! The blue team is more direct about the way they shut out Suzanne, which at least saves time. There's a brief disagreement about skin on salmon, but nothing that takes up much screen time. Finally, the chefs plate their dishes exactly as Chef Ramsay enters the dining room. He's brought Sasha Cohen (Olympic silver medal in figure skating) and Jonny Mosely (Gold in moguls). Sabrina acts excited in an interview. It's time for the tasting.
First, Kevin introduces the blue team's caramelized salmon with pan-seared leg of lamb. Ariel's got grilled salmon with leeks. Jonny praises the skin on the blue team's salmon, and the blue team gets approval from both Olympians. 2-0 blue.
, Tennille and Dave bring up their dishes. Sabrina is practically vibrating with excitement that Tennile is going to call the venison lamb. She gets as far as "This is a magnificent lamb" before Chef Ramsay's eyes bug completely out of his head. She's on the ball enough to know that something has gone wrong, and tries to get out of it by saying "Initially, I thought this was lamb," but now Chef Ramsay knows she doesn't know what it is. She does successfully guess that it's venison, and Ariel tries to cover for her, explaining that they work with lamb every day and that Tennille must have just said "lamb" accidentally. Sabrina is appalled (in a delighted kind of way) that Ariel and Tennille got away with lying to Chef Ramsay's face like that. Anyway, Dave also has venison with some cranberry and beets. The red team gets approval from Sasha and Jonny, so now it's all tied up with the last dish to go, blah blah blah. Tennille makes me laugh with an interview: "You know I don't know what half of this [bleep] is! But irregardless, everything I put on a plate is gonna taste good!" I think it's okay to use "irregardless" as long as you're shouting about your own ignorance.
Okay, last dish. Van and Sabrina. Sabrina has lamb with mushrooms and artichokes. Van has grilled shrimp and braised ... something. He can't remember what it is, and Sabrina whispers "Kale" to him. Nice work, Sabrina! Jonny likes the blue dish and so does Sasha, so the blue team wins. So the red team's punishment is to go to a local farm, milk some cows, and clean out a pig pen. While wearing stereotypical farm clothes. It's related to the idea of "local ingredients" somehow. And meanwhile, the blue team is going to go eat at Mark Peele's restaurant. Oh, and Gordon brought them back souvenir Whistler stocking caps.
At Campanile, Mark Peele makes some grilled cheese sandwiches. We're told they're "voluptuous and sexy". I'm not sure that's possible, but a good grilled cheese sandwich can be pretty tasty. Meanwhile, Tennille shouts at us about how unpleasant she found farm life. Ariel does not like the pig pen, because she once got attacked by a large pig at a county fair. I can relate to that, because I once got mugged by a goat in a petting zoo. It knocked me down and stole my handful of food pellets that I was going to give to a different goat. That goat was a jerk. Anyway, Tennille complains about the smell of the farm, which I guess is fair. Unless week's punishment involves a slaughterhouse.
The teams return to Hell's Kitchen and gets some sleep. The moon is still a crescent, but it might be slightly different from the night. At least it didn't become full overnight.
The morning, Chef Ramsay announces that his menu is no more. Each team will do its own menu, with three appetizers, three entrees, and three desserts. He also adds that each person should have input, which I assume means we'll see Suzanne getting shut out completely. Off they go!
The blue team starts pitching, with Suzanne holding the pen. That's good thinking, because she can wield a lot of influence without having to talk if she's the one who decides what gets written down. Tennille suggests a sushi plate with "a decomposed sushi roll". Well, I'm not sure that -- wait, decomposed? It's unusual, I'll give her that! Sabrina manages to shoot down that idea, and Ariel objects to the thing Tennille says because it has the word "okra" in it.
In the blue meeting, Dave wants to stuff a chicken breast with goat cheese, which everyone thinks sounds pretty good. Even Suzanne's ideas get a good reception. It's going pretty smoothly, as opposed to the red side, where Ariel has decided that Tennille is crazy. When Tennille offers a blackened halibut, Ariel acts like she's never heard those two words before. She says "Blackened ... halibut?" like she's sounding out the words for the first time. In an interview, Tennille points out that Sabrina didn't have any ideas of her own, but just dumped on hers. Ah, just like a recapper. Zing! Wait, did I just zing myself?
The blue team's menu is done (and they declare themselves "stoked") and they head down the stairs. Meanwhile, none of the red team likes their menu.
Down in the kitchen, Chef Ramsay has no objection to the blue menu. When he asks the red team if they're happy with their menu, Sabrina complains about a salad, and Tennille promptly complains in an interview about being thrown under a bus. Chef Ramsay doesn't like the menu much, saying it doesn't have food he'd order, but he leaves them to it. So the red team is squabbling and the blue team is happy. Dave's tasted their dishes and reports that it all tastes good. Well, that should help.
The voice-over explains that the diners will all choose which menu to order off of, which seems like it would be a problem for the team with the most appetizing menu. Oh, and Sabrina contributed nothing to the red team's menu. Noted.
The first orders come in, and they're pretty strongly for the blue team. The red side does eventually get an order. Oh, and since tables can be split between kitchens, the two teams need to work together to sync up their dishes. But it turns out that Tennille has no idea how to cook her dish, and her Swiss Char is seasoned arbitrarily. On the blue side, Van brings up the wrong number of scallops, which prompts some condescension from Chef Ramsay: "Van! Two threes is what?" Unfortunately, Van appears completely unfamiliar with this manner of speech, and even when Chef Ramsay rephrases it to "two times three", Van is completely befuddled.
The red side's appetizers are sent back because the center of the pork ravioli is frozen. Meanwhile, Van is apparently burning scallops. And Ariel's replacement ravioli is also cold in the center. This generates some shouting, as you would expect. Chef Ramsay explains: "I've never made the same mistake three times. Never. Never never never never never." That's six "never"s.
On the blue side, Dave overextends his elbow (on his good arm) while handing a heavy pan across a counter, and apparently gets some kind of nerve twinge that goes all the way up to his shoulder. Off he goes to see the medic, and now no one knows what's happening and if someone needs to work his station. In the back, Dave is in a great deal of pain, then sucks it up and gets back into the kitchen. That guy's awesome.
Both teams are on entrees, but Sabrina's slowing down her team. Shout shout shout. On the blue side, Van splashes some sauce on the pass and doesn't wipe it up. Shout, shout, shout. Van defends himself and then gets shouted at some more. Tennille does a little sweeping, and Sabrina is theatrically shocked that she has time to do that in the middle of service. Van brings raw halibut up to the pass. Considering that his name has "Fish Cook" underneath it, that's hard to believe.
Now everyone in the blue team is cooking over Van's shoulder, and it's still not cooked. Chef Ramsay has a little tantrum and hits the offending halibut so hard it explodes. On the red side, Sabrina's halibut is raw in the center, and Chef Ramsay calls it "rarer than a sushi bar" a few times. Finally, Chef Ramsay calls Sabrina and Van to the pass and shouts at them to switch it off. It gets switched off.
After the service, both teams are lined up in the kitchen to be told that no one won. Each team is told to come up with one name for elimination. On the blue team, Van thinks that Suzanne should go up, even though he screwed up the most. That's bullshit, if you ask me. On the red side, Sabrina tries to claim that Tennille's garnish was what was slowing them down.
Down in the dining room! Sabrina tells Chef Ramsay that she's the nominee "based on my services". Dave puts forward "Van, based on tonight's performance only." He is quick to add that "the weakest chef on the blue team is Suzanne." Chef Ramsay shakes that off and brings forward Van and Sabrina so he can shout at them about raw halibut. Van interrupts him and insists that he's not a loser and that he's not throwing in the towel. Sabrina also talks about still having some stuff to offer. Sabrina is sent home.
Everyone files back up to the dorms. And that's the end of the, um, first half of the episode. But first we enjoy these previews of the , er, half of the episode. Chef Ramsay is going to do something he's never done before! Dramatic music sting!
Man, they're not even trying to make me believe this is all one episode, what with the Previouslies and opening credits. So here we are again, with the chefs trudging up to the dorms and complaining.
Okay, remember those two crescent moons we just saw? In what were presumably the two nights? We now see a full moon. Honestly, people. Just hire a continuity person. They're not that expensive. Anyway, the morning there are boxes on the dorm's living room table, and everyone gets black jackets. Because we're at the Top Six, and everyone's on the same team. Van vows that it's going to be "Man Eat Man". Hey, this ain't that kind of party.
When the contestants come down to the kitchen, Chef Ramsay is cooking (yes! Actually cooking!) a fillet of beef, which he has them taste. It's apparently pretty good. And now it's time for the challenge, which prompts Van to crow in an interview that he just knew there'd be a twist. Yeah, what are the odds that there'd be a challenge, just like the ten other times you've stood there the morning after a dinner service. Nice going, Nostradamus. Anyway, the challenge is for the chefs to recreate the dish. And to make it more fun, they'll be paired up by Chef Ramsay. So Van will work with Ariel, Tennille will work with Kevin, and Suzanne gets Dave. Incidentally, Tennille desperately wanted Kevin, and not Suzanne. She should have been hoping for Dave, but I guess they really don't g
et much opportunity to see who kicks ass in the other kitchen.
Ah. But the actual dish they'll be trying to replicate is not the beef. Which makes sense, because they actually got to see that dish get made. Instead, it's something which we're told has "fish, garnish, puree, and sauce". There's only one sample dish, and people fall upon it immediately. Dave grabs a piece of each ingredient so he can do an autopsy, which is exactly what Gordon does on Kitchen Nightmares. He never just eats a dish; he dissects it and examines each element before putting it in his mouth.
Ariel and Van aren't sure what kind of fish is involved, but Van (the professional Fish Cook) thinks it might possibly be sea bass. Kevin decides that it's turbot, based on his Cape Cod upbringing. Dave and Suzanne are conferring, and Suzanne decides it's not halibut but turbot. Finally, everyone settles on turbot. Which is correct!
Garbish time. Everyone says it's calamari. The puree is probably parsnips, says Dave, Suzanne, and Kevin. Tennille tells us (in her usual shout) that she doesn't even know what a parsnip is. Look, it isn't that hard: just don't admit ignorance in front of the cameras. You think Gordon Ramsay is going to hire someone who can't identify a parsnip? Ariel convinces Van to go with celery root.
Now it's time to work on the sauce. Dave knows they're missing a sweet citrussy flavor, and is very confident once he cuts open a passion fruit. Ariel and Van have Star Fruit there, and Kevin and Tennille have grapefruit. So that's the ingredient identification phase. Now it's time to actually cook the thing. And with about forty seconds to go, Van drops his fish on the floor and has to start over. Doom!
Now, the judging. Van and Ariel's dish looks almost exactly like Chef Ramsay's. Other than that, we don't learn much while Chef Ramsay tastes it. It turns out the puree was white onion. Kevin and Tennille forgot to put the calamari into the dish. Oops! It's down to the fruit choice between Van/Ariel and Dave/Suzanne. And the winner is Dave and Suzanne. In a very telling moment, after Chef Ramsay announces that the fruit was passion fruit, Suzanne smugly mutters "Yes it was." Dave tries to whisper "Shhhh!" (which isn't that easy, because every "Shhhh!" sounds like a whisper) and Suzanne just rocks back on her heels and repeats "Yes it was." That's why people don't like you, Suzanne.
The reward for Dave and Suzanne is to go to Gordon's Los Angeles restaurant and meet Christine, the season four winner. The four losers are in charge of prep and also decorating the dining room for "Couples Night". There will be a truck full of roses and champagne. Van interviews that Dave hates Suzanne but that they're going on a date. Then he adds that they are sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. I assume he then giggles to himself about how unutterably clever he thinks he is. Shut it, Van.
Suzanne and Dave take a limo to their prize and use the time to chat with Gordon Ramsay. Meanwhile, Tennille is a big, pouty jerk about having to do her punishment. That's boring, so let's go to the reward. The kitchen is enormous. Suzanne's first question for Christine is "Were you the know-it-all on your season?" Yes, she was. Suzanne's primary recommendation is that they keep an eye out for wacky twists that Ramsay might throw at them. Good advice. Also, learn to cook a damn scallop.
Dave and Suzanne rejoin the rest of the chefs at the end of prep and no one will talk to them. Dave claims to get motivation from being in a black jacket, because he no longer needs to be a team player. I'm sure that attitude will work out great in a kitchen! Maybe it's just that Dave's usual attitude looks a lot like being sulky.
Chef Ramsay rounds everyone up in the kitchen and claims that Couples Night will involve "the most amazing tableside menu", which will include a salad for two and a porterhouse for two. Kevin's in the dining room. The first orders come in. Off we go!
Suzanne is on hot appetizers and Kevin is doing the tableside salads, and they have to hit the table at the same time. Unfortunately, Kevin goes out before they discover that Suzanne didn't make enough portions. Kevin stalls as long as he can at the table, waxing rhapsodic (that's a thing you can do to fill time. Look it up!) about how fresh the vegetables are, but eventually he has to give up. Suzanne finally makes the right amount and that first table is done. The table has fish involved, and Suzanne appears to be doing a good job making sure she knows when Van starts the scallops. But! Van also starts the sea bass, which is that table's entree! They haven't even had their appetizers yet! Oh, calamity! And now Van is hunched over his pan and we see a drop of sweat drop gracefully off his nose, presumably to land in the pan of scallops below. Chef Ramsay notices this as well, and things do not go well for Van. His excuse is that it's hot, and I'm sure it is, but that doesn't really get Chef Ramsay off his back. Van despairs in an interview.
We're on entrees and appetizers. There's a special note: "Please be careful, lamb medium". Tennille is on meat, and she's the center of the communication, getting Van to focus and making sure that Ariel is on time with her. And her lamb is deemed "perfectly cooked". Although Tennille intershouts (shouterviews? Shoutfessionals?) that as soon as something goes wrong, she knows that Chef Ramsay will be right back on top of her.
Van puts up some raw fish, which means that everyone has to stop and feel it. Chef Ramsay is despairing and goes to sit down in a corner where Van can't hurt him anymore. Then he gives Van one of his "pep talks" that just boils down to a bunch of threats. When Chef Ramsay returns to the kitchen, he discovers a pan where Ariel appears to be burning some lettuce. Lettuce? Ariel tells us (not Ramsay, because he's in no mood to listen to people) that she set the pan down and didn't realize the burner was on. Finally, Chef Ramsay and Sous Chef Scott walk out through the dining room, cursing up a storm in an exceedingly staged and preplanned way. The music is excited by how dramatic this move is.
While Chef Ramsay's gone, Tennille does a good job of trying to rally everyone together and keep pushing food out. Ariel, however, wants to take a minute or so to calm down and does not work well with Tennille demanding a specific time. Tennille is charging forward and not pausing. As Tennille explains in an, um, explainterview, "Tension runs real high in a kitchen. You can snap, you can curse. Just have my [bleep] at the window all the time." I believe that is Chef Ramsay's philosophy to a T.
Now the chefs are doing the plating themselves, because Chef Ramsay and Sous Chef Scott have gone off for a pout. And Sous Chef Heather barely even exists. Kevin's doing a good job supervising the plating, but as soon as he goes back out to the dining room to do the salads, Suzanne drops the ball. She just says she doesn't know how to do it and tells Van to do it. She explains to us that she thinks this is a trap and it's "better just not to do anything at all". Oh, nice philosophy. She refuses to put it out because she doesn't know if it's right. Van has no such problem. Out goes the food. Enjoy! Unfortunately, Van immediately screws the kitchen by not answering when everyone wants to know if the ticket will be ready in two minutes.
Chef Ramsay and Scott come back to the kitchen and tells everyone to stop. Kevin is pulled back in from the dining room. Chef Ramsay tells them how he's never done that before, and I am reminded how much he loves talking about how something is the first time EVAH! in Hell's Kitchen. He tells Suzanne, Van, and Ariel to [bleep] off. Tennille, Dave, and Kevin will be finishing the service on their own. Van is furious, because he is a man, you see, and feels like he has been treated like a little girl and a bitch. Work out your psychosexual issues on your own time, man. I'm just here for the cooking show. After ranting at Suzanne and Ariel for a bit about how much he dislikes being shouted at, he stomps down the hall. He adds that he is losing it, and that he is done.
Last table! Is it good? It is! And as they shove the desserts out, Chef Ramsay pulls Tennille aside to tell her "That's the best I've ever seen anybody cook meat." Daaaaaaamn! She holds herself together and just says "Thank you, chef" to his face, but there's a certain amount of gloating in private. As well there might be!
After the service, Tennille, Dave, and Kevin are lined up in the kitchen. None of them will be going home, and they are told to come up with two names out of the three that were thrown out. Up in the dorms, Tennille and Kevin confront Suzanne with her refusal to plate. And Van had a bad night and Ariel had a problem with lettuce. Dave thinks he should strategically put up Ariel even though he feels that Suzanne and Van are the weakest. Now it becomes a discussion of who Ramsay wants to see. They appear to decide on Suzanne and Ariel.
Down in the dining room, Dave nominates Suzanne for refusing to help push food out and Ariel for The Lettuce-Burning Incident. Chef Ramsay interrogates Tennille about whether those are the weakest two chefs, and she can tell which way the wind is blowing, so she says that Suzanne and Van should be up. So Chef Ramsay has all three of them step forward. Ariel, why should you stay? "I want so badly to stay here." Suzanne? "I have a great palate." Van? "I hate this. I hate it!" Going home? Not Ariel. Van. Go home, Van!
Gordon appears to kind of like Van, although he thinks he's too jumpy. He also praises Tennille for nominating Van, which makes Dave vow to take her out. time: we'll see a sight we've never seen before, which is Chef Ramsay in disbelief. Wait, don't we see that every week? Plus on most episodes of Kitchen Nightmares?
Monty recently watched Aguirre, the Wrath of God and Big Fan (starring Patton Oswalt!) at Monty on Movies. You can email Monty at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.