Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 32
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 20
Quotes from The Muppet Movie stylishly laced into this recap: 1
We pick up exactly where we were at the end of last episode, with everybody on the red team hating Suzanne. Up in the dorms she basically begs for forgiveness, and the best Ariel can do in response is to tell her to act nicer to her teammates. See, it means more when Ariel complains about Suzanne, because she hasn't shouted at me for nine episodes like Tennille has.
Challenge time! Chef Ramsay talks about how great the French are and then assigns each team to make four crepes: breakfast, lunch, dinner and dessert. Oh, man, I could go for a crepe right now. I was in line for a crepe a couple of days ago, but it was taking too long so I went somewhere else and now crepes are all I can think about. [I think that's why the Soviet Union failed: long crepe lines. - Zach] Gordon tries to take my mind off it by briefly conversing with JP (or as Van has inexplicably decided to call him, "Whistle-britches") in French. But when Gordon starts making a demonstration crepe, it's like he's trying to kill me. It looks pretty tasty, is what I'm saying.
The chefs have 20 minutes. They're off! Since there are four chefs on each team, everyone gets to work on their own crepe. Suzanne tries to be a good team player, which means she's running around getting people cutting boards and stuff. Sabrina is not impressed: "She's such a kiss-ass!" Oh, and the exceedingly classy "gag me!" hand gesture. Ariel is also not impressed.
On the blue side, we see a cavalcade of failed crepes. It looks like they're not spreading it evenly or something. Don't ask me. I never claimed to be a great chef. The same problem is happening on the red side. There's a general lack of actual crepes happening. And then the time is up! And JP will be helping Chef Ramsay rate the winner, because he's Belgian, which is almost like being French. Well, Ramsay calls it "seventh best". Anyway, let's go.
First, breakfast. Van has his take on bacon and eggs, which seems pretty straightforward. It also seems like an omelet. But he used quail eggs, presumably to make it more fine-dining-y. Chef Ramsay likes the idea, but describes the crepe as "spongy". Van's take: "Denied, scumbag!" Ariel has a smoked salmon crepe with some honey in it. The winner is Ariel! 1-0 Women.
Lunch time. Tennille's got pepperjack, bacon, and shrimp. Ramsay and JP find it very spicy, and Tennille makes fun of them in an interview: "Man, I never seen two grown-ass men so scared of spice before in my life! Come on! Get a grip!" Andy's got a fancy version of ham and cheese. Andy wins, so we're tied 1-1.
Dinner. Suzanne and Kevin. Kevin's got a huge crepe with a lot of seafood in it. Suzanne talks a lot about her crepe and what she thinks about the general philosophy of crepe-making. Tennille continues to entertain me this week: "You sauteed meat and onions! And put it inside a crepe! Just say that!" Both of them win, so (surprise!) it's tied 2-2, and it all comes down to the last one.
Dessert. The dramatic music sting goes out of control when Gordon and JP look at Dave's crepe. And when we finally get to see it (after the commercial break), I can understand why. It's like a bowl of crepe. It's like crepe soup. Chef Ramsay thinks it looks like diarrhea. That's a problem. He won't even eat it. So what does Sabrina have? "Poached pears and chocolate ganache infused with cinnamon, and then a little Grand Marnier just to give that chocolate a little kick." That sounds really, really good. And Chef Ramsay says it's delicious. The women win.
The service will have some French additions, including escargots, frogs' legs (all I can see are millions of frogs on tiny crutches!), and crepes. The men will prep both kitchens while the women go to a French restaurant for lunch.
In the dorm, Dave explains what went wrong: "My problem was I couldn't make the crepe!" Well, it's concise. The women do not do the usual over-the-top woofing as they go past the men on their way to the reward; it's just a low-key "Bye, guys!" sort of thing.
The women arrive at what I guess is the French restaurant, although it's got Mexican architecture. They sit in the front row of a theater and watch a mime. And then he starts talking and says he'll be teaching them the language of pantomime. And then they're having a mime-fight. I'm not going to explain that, either. That's what it was. A mime-fight.
The women finish their mime raining and go off to lunch. Gordon is not there, but they appear to enjoy themselves anyway. They have foie gras while the men are having head cheese. Andy appears to really like the head cheese. Dave won't even taste it, and also almost throws up while trying the beef tongue.
Timeskip! The women are back and suited up. Heather (remember Heather? She's a sous chef this season? Was the winner a few seasons back?) runs down the new additions to the menu. That's the frogs and snails.
Suddenly! Andy is slicing potatoes and shouts for a medic. There's a lot of blood, and it appears that he has sliced off the tips of three of his fingers. So off he goes to the hospital, and this show is surprisingly dangerous for the competitors. Dave doesn't think Andy will be coming back tonight, and Van thinks the team is cursed.
Chef Ramsa lines up the team for the usual pregame fooforaw. There are little Eiffel Towers scattered around the dining room to represent the French angle. Andy comes back form the hospital, but he doesn't know the new menu. That sounds like a challenge. Apparently Andy is supposed to be doing the risotto, because Dave is doing it for him and telling him when to bring it up.
On the red side, Sabrina's risotto is deemed tasteless. Chef Ramsay brings Dave's risotto over from the other side and shows it to Sabrina, claiming that "it's black and white". Really, it's dark green and light green. Chef Ramsay tells her that if she had any sense, she'd taste Dave's, then he yanks it away before she can. Anyway, her risotto is fine. So that was fun.
Back on the blue side, Andy's crepes are not suitable. Kevin thinks this is ridiculous: "It's crepes, man. Fold it, fold it, flip, flip, package it, and you're done!" So Kevin takes over the crepes for Andy.
Timeskip! The red team is moving on to entrees, and they're communicating nicely. Chef Ramsay notices Tennille, Suzanne and Ariel all agreeing that the ticket (for two salmon, one halibut, one lamb) is three minutes out, and he is pleased. When they're one minute out, everybody's calling it out. But then! Suzanne says she actually needs six more minutes. Nooooo! So everybody backs up and there's still a lot of communication. But then! Suzanne says "Hold on. Let me be real with you." I don't like the sound of that. Now she needs eight minutes. No, wait. It's six. Yeah. Six. Well, five now. It's the oven's fault. Or something.
Blue team. Dave has to make two risotto for Andy while also setting up a lamb and a steak. The music is reminiscent of a circus. Van calls it: "Dave's got one arm, but that fool can cook." We see Dave begging someone to give him tongs, but he can't wait the two seconds and grabs them himself. He appears to get everything done acceptably. Well done!
On the red side, Suzanne slices her lamb a minute and a half before the duck is ready. I have no idea if that's a bad thing, but I'm guessing it is. It's definitely a bad thing that she doesn't cop to it the first time Chef Ramsay asks. Chef Ramsay wails to the heavens about "all the goodness running out of the lamb!" So Suzanne's in trouble. Got that?
Also in trouble: Andy. He's even having trouble making the salads. There's too much dressing or something. Dave describes Andy as dangling off the edge of a cliff by a dandelion, which I think is a Beetle Bailey reference. Then Andy complains about his dexterity, and you know the only reason he knows that word is because he used to play D&D. Of course, the only reason I know he used to play D&D is that I still do.
Back on the red side, Suzanne's got the wrong assortment of normal and medium lambs. She gets shouted at for a bit until she fixes it. But she's not the only one in the hot seat, because Sabrina's frog's legs are insufficiently coated in garlic. Tennille cheerfully tells us that everything on her right stunk it up.
Meanwhile on the Andy show, Andy's crepes are lousy so Kevin takes over for him. Chef Ramsay finally notices that Andy isn't doing anything and throws him out of the kitchen. In an interview, Andy claims that Chef Ramsay "just yells to yell." Well, yes. You should have watched the show before going on it. He also alleges that Chef Ramsay is a douchenozzle. Andy, you see, is a paragon of class and taste, which you can tell because he's the sort of person who uses the word "douchenozzle".
So a furious Chef Ramsay comes over to the red side and shouts about some lamb that's well done instead of being rare. He makes everybody touch the lamb and then throws Sabrina and Suzanne out of the kitchen. Tennille and Ariel are all alone in the kitchen and Heather chips in. Good for her.
Both kitchens somehow get to their last tables. Tennille and Ariel are justifiably relieved. After the service, Chef Ramsay acts disappointed and points out that having three chefs thrown out has never happened before. Yeah, but that's just because he randomly threw Sabrina out. Anyway, the teams are to work together and come up with two people to nominate.
In the dorms, Andy tries to argue that he doesn't want to go up. Well, I'm sure he doesn't. And Suzanne makes excuses for her overcooking and Sabrina admits that she didn't season enough. The sensible choice is clearly Andy and whoever got yelled at the most from the red team, which is Suzanne. Everyone pretty much agrees with that. Suzanne thinks she's a good chef and a team player, but the rest of her team disagrees. Everyone on both teams talks about how much they hate Suzanne while she sits alone in another room smoking. Kevin points out that if they send Suzanne and Andy, Andy might go home. But if they pair Suzanne with someone else, who knows? Well, I do: Ramsay's already shown that he'll send home whoever he feels like, regardless if they've been nominated. My advice: don't get cute. Anyway, Kevin just wants to put up two women to protect Andy.
Down in the dining room. Ariel says that the first nominee is Suzanne, for bringing the pace of the kitchen down. And the second nominee is Andy because of inconsistencies in service. Clearly. They step forward. Suzanne, why should you stay? "I do know how to cook meat." Chef Ramsay cuts her off and asks Ariel and Tennille if they'd be better off without Suzanne. They claim they would be. Andy, why should you stay? "I had an injury and that really [bleep]ed me up tonight." Unfortunately, Dave has been working with one hand and doing great.
Andy is sent home. But then! Sabrina is told to step forward and stand to Suzanne. Chef Ramsay says that he wants the old Sabrina and the old Suzanne back. Then he has Suzanne take her jacket off ... and join the blue team. The blue team doesn't look thrilled by this turn of events. Sabrina is sent back into line. Tennille does an interview with some odd interpretive dancing. We're done.
week: surprise guests!
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