Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 32
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 33
Stories Montykins Is Going To Tell You About Berlin: 1
Last week: The sight of 12-sided dice did my D&D-playing heart good.
The show tries to convince us that people are sad about Robert leaving. Or surprised. Or something. Dave and Van apparently expected Andy to go home instead, which is kind of odd, since Dave didn't even nominate him in the last episode. Remember? He just picked Van and Robert. Oh, and on the women's side, everyone hates Suzanne. Tennille shouts at us about how annoying she finds Suzanne.
The morning, the final nine gather in the dining room. Is that really a thing? The "final nine"? Well, never mind, because it's time for the Taste Test. I enjoy how unrepentantly formulaic this show can be sometimes. Andy tells us that he's a supertaster, and that he can "taste things other people can't". Like colors and emotions? [They Might Be Giants explain it nicely in their song "John Lee: Supertaster." - Zach]
Tennille sits out the Taste Test so the teams can be even. First up, Ariel vs. Van! Van thinks the whipped cream cheese is yogurt, but Ariel identifies it correctly. The venison is missed by both, with Ariel guessing "roast beef" and Van saying "tuna". And he's a fish cook? Both of them think the pecans are walnuts, but they both identify leeks, so it's 2-1 women.
up, Dave vs. Suzanne. They both get turkey and fail on zucchini. Neither of them know the quince, which is apparently on the menu they've been working with at Hell's Kitchen. Dave thinks the egg yolk is squash, but Suzanne guesses it. It's now 4-2 for the red team.
Kevin is up against Sabrina. Neither of them home in on iceberg lettuce, but they know what grapefruit tastes like. Oregano is also missed, with Kevin saying sage and Sabrina saying basil. Now, come on. I'm no professional chef, but I know what spices taste like. Kevin thinks the clams taste like spinach, which is even worse than Sabrina's guess of ahi tuna. Women 5-3.
Amanda vs. Andy! Kevin feels that Andy had better not make a mistake, which is rich coming from a guy that can't tell clams from spinach. First up, lychee. Andy nails it! Amanda thinks it's pineapple. Tennille tells us that Andy is "one of the most epicurious mamma-jammas I ever met in my life!" , avocado. Andy guesses at boiled coconut, which Van correctly finds baffling. Boiled coconut? Amanda gets it, so the women are still up 6-4. Andy has to get both of the two right while Amanda misses them both. Now it's ahi tuna. Andy thinks for an implausibly long time, followed by a commercial, followed by a replay of the thinking. Finally, Andy the Supertaster guesses salmon. Hey, it didn't come down to the final dish for once!
Andy defends his performance in relation to his team, which I think is fair. Each of the guys identified one out of four dishes. Except Andy only got three to work from, so his percentage was better. Anyway, the men's punishment is to clean some glasses and make some sorbet. Oh, and they also get to load boxes of fruit in from a truck. As the women go out to their limo, they are, as usual, extraordinarily poor sports about winning. People on this show are jerks.
Van appears to be in charge of deseeding the pomegranates, and I like his method. He's sliced the pomegranates in two, then he just holds the halves with the cut side downward and whacks the back of the pom with the flat side of a knife. Just thought I'd mention the fleeting glimpse of a cooking technique on this cooking show.
Gordon welcomes the women to a restaurant where they will be dining in the dark. Oh! I get to tell a story! See, I was in Berlin last year, and I ate at a place just like this. We were led into a pitch-black dining room by our waitress, who was blind. Then we fumbled around and enjoyed a lovely meal in complete darkness. At the place I went to, the menu was in kind of a code, so we knew whether we'd ordered beef or fish, but not exactly what was going to show up. That made the dining experience even more of an adventure, since we had to feel around to see if each course was meant to be eating with a spoon or a knife or what.
Anyway, you're here to hear about the show. They have night-vision cameras (like on that one episode of CSI) and we can see people being led in a line to their table. Ariel interviews (still in the dark, possibly from the kitchen) that it was extremely dark. It really is!
Back at the men's punishment, sous chef Scott dumps some fancy food in a blender and tries to make the guys drink their lunch. Some of them refuse on the grounds that "you're not supposed to drink duck", but Van seems into it.
The women are still in the dark. Suzanne asks Gordon a question that includes the phrase "the new Nouveau" and promptly gets mocked in an interview by Sabrina. She feels that Suzanne is being both a kiss-ass and a know-it-all. She seems in a better mood as the women return to the kitchen to mock the guys, who are cleaning glasses for the sorbet.
Full moon.
The chefs do prep. The women all hate Suzanne, especially Sabrina. Here's a tip for people planning on being on a reality show at some point (which the way things are going, will be like 65% of the population): if you spend most of your one-on-one interview confessional time talking about how much you hate someone, you're just going to come off as a huge jerk. Suzanne does not acquit herself very well either, interviewing about how "girls are so [bleep]ing catty." On the other hand, the four non-Suzanne women are all clustered together muttering "proximity warning!" when they see Suzanne coming toward them. Shut up, all of you.
Chef Ramsay lines the teams up to tell them that "for the first time ever" (that's a phrase he uses almost as much as "the most amazing") they'll have sorbet prepared tableside. Ariel is assigned to this for the women, while the men are told to just have it handled by whoever's not busy. Oh, that can't possibly go wrong! Anyway, Gordon's word for the night is "consistent".
Customers arrive! They order food! Andy's on garnish. Kevin tells the team that he's prepared to jump in if Andy can't hack it. Andy claims that he will indeed hack it.
Tennille complains about Suzanne's scallops being too dark, and then also complains about Suzanne ignoring her. Wasn't it just a couple of episodes ago that Suzanne was telling Tennille how to cook scallops and Tennille was complaining that chefs shouldn't do that? Suzanne presumably gets a certain amount of pleasure out of Chef Ramsay's declaration "nice color on the scallops there!" She also gets vocal, in-our-face pleasure out of it. There's a lot of gloating on this show.
On the men's side, Kevin's risotto is also deemed "very nice" and it's time for the sorbets for both teams. Ariel takes a cart out to a table and is able to take her time a little and make pleasant conversation. Kevin runs the blue sorbets out while Van covers his station. Van's first risotto is bland. Doom! He re-seasons it and sends it out to the disappointment of some diners. But the diners just complain to Kevin, not the waiter, so it never gets back to Chef Ramsay.
Now it's time for entrees! Amanda's on garnish, which she feels is the toughest station because it's involved in everything and it's closest to the pass, which means it's the easiest station for Gordon to yell at. Plus, she had a problem with this pasta dish. That's better than Andy, though, who seems to be answering "I don't know" to an awful lot of questions. He thinks the problem is that no one remembers what they're supposed to be doing, but surely he should know what dishes are coming, right? Chef Ramsay shouts at the blue team a bit about not seeming to be paying attention.
Now Sabrina (meat station) and Suzanne (fish station) have to work together, but Sabrina needs four more minutes when Suzanne's ready to go to the pass. When the food finally leaves the pass, it's sent back for being raw. Sabrina feels that it's Suzanne's fault for rushing her, and her mood is not improved by Chef Ramsay throwing her out of the kitchen to eat her raw lamb and think about what she's done.
Tennille is swapped onto the meat station and tells Chef Ramsay that the time for the dish is three minutes. Suzanne tries to overrule her and say two minutes, but Tennille will have none of that: "Listen. I just gave him three minutes firm. Now it's two minutes and forty-five seconds." For a fleeting seconds, I like Tennille, but then we go to another of those interviews where she shouts everything for no reason.
Sabrina is called back from exile and admits that the lamb was undercooked.
Suddenly, the men are close to finishing their dinner service. Andy reports that they're about three orders of mashed potatoes short, but they might possibly make it. Andy starts portioning the potatoes veeeeery carefully. On the women's side, Suzanne is a minute late with some sea bass, then has to admit that it's not ready in time and that she killed the table. There's a big flurry of curses from everyone, although you'd think there should be some kind of reward for not just throwing the raw fish on a plate the way these guys tend to do. Tennille shouts an interview about how Suzanne "SUNK! THE! SHIP!"
The red team redoes that table while the blue team panics about Andy running out of mashed potatoes on the last couple tables. Sous chef Scott shouts at them while Dave tries to make more quickly. Chef Ramsay finds out what's going on and sends Andy out into the dining room to apologize to the tables. Ramsay is also not happy about some uncooked halibut, which Suanne is quick to disavow all knowledge of, saying "I didn't even work that, chef!" See, she asked Amanda to cover it for her. And now she's throwing Amanda under a bus. A bus named Gordon Ramsay! Amanda is ticked off about that, and I can see her point.
Gordon shifts into Drama mode, moaning about how it isn't possible that the chefs could be this bad. Yeah, yeah. It's not possible this week, it wasn't possible last week, and it won't be possible week. So there's more shouting.
Blue side: Dave believes he has created four portions of mashed potato, which means that Chef Ramsay likes him. Andy is standing around glumly, which Chef Ramsay doesn't like. However, both teams successfully send out all their orders. Service completed!
After the service, Chef Ramsay feels that "both teams are equally weak", but that the blue team is the winner. Then he switches gears to tell the red team that the blue team whipped their asses. Tennille is sent upstairs with the task of deciding which two people to nominate. Obviously she'll be sending Suzanne. I knew that even before she shouted it at me. Suzanne is soon defending herself in front of the entire team against charges of non-team-memberly conduct and also bus-under-throwing. Tennille makes a good point when she tells Suzanne that whenever Chef Ramsay asks if food is ready, Suzanne always answers "I am, chef!" even if the rest of the order isn't. Tennille says that the correct answer is "Chef, we'll be ready in two minutes!" She's right, too. Anyway, Tennille really wishes she could just send Suzanne instead of picking a second nominee.
Back down to the dining room! Tennille's first nominee is Suzanne, for a lack of teamwork and arrogance. Her second nominee is Sabrina, who hasn't stepped into the role she needs to. They step forward and Gordon arbitrarily adds Amanda to the chopping block lineup. Suzanne, why should you stay? "I give my full every day". Also she thinks this is personal. Tennille firmly denies that she's being spiteful. Although she definitely is being spiteful. Chef Ramsay listens to Tennille a bit, then shakes his head and pinches the bridge of his nose to get through it. Sabrina, you're up! "I believe I should stay in Hell's kitchen because I am a team player." She claims that the only reason she did poorly is that she kept having to cut new lamb to keep up with Suzanne. Suzanne protests, and then Tennille protests about Suzanne's protests, and Gordon tells them all to shut up. Amanda also defends herself, but not very interestingly. Finally, Suzanne is sent ... back in line! Drama! Amanda... is sent out of Hell's Kitchen.
Tennille shouts at us again. And we're done!
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see how vlogger Sean Crespo thinks the season finale of HK will play out in No Prior Knowledge!
You can email Monty at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.