Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 39
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 45
Times It Looked Like Gordon Ramsay Was Going to Fire Someone But Then Didn't! Surprise!: four or five
Previously: Giant crabs! Andrea and Ben both made unsatisfactory dishes, so Paula and Danny did better. Danny mumbled about the consensus of the team and then won. Ben said pomme fondant about a million times. Carol's potatoes were a complete failure. Pomme fondant pomme fondant pomme fondant. Chef Ramsay continued to hate Ben a lot, and the blue team lost. This made no difference to Chef Ramsay, who sent Carol home "in a shocking turn of events".
By the way, I was in a hot wing shack the other day and they had a restaurant trade magazine for some reason. I guess maybe they were thinking of sprucing the place up or investing in a new deep fryer. Anyway, there was an interview with Mr. Gordon Ramsay about his various business ventures. They asked him if the Hell's Kitchen winners actually got to be in charge of a restaurant and he said, essentially, "Of course not! They get a table to be in charge of if they're lucky. Then they can work their way up." Pretty much what we all assumed, then.
The chefs leave the kitchen as Chef Ramsay shakes his head in disappointment. Robert tells Ben he was only defending himself and wasn't trying to throw Ben under the bus. In an interview, Robert sings a different tune: "Ain't no friend of mine here. I don't need no friends. I will step on the back of their necks to get to the top anytime I feel it's necessary."
Full moon.
The morning, the chefs are lined up in front of Chef Ramsay. Paula is asked who the weakest chef on the red team is, and she says it's Andrea. Well, her only choices are herself, Andrea, and Giovanni. Asked the same question about the blue team, Danny says it's Ben. Ben is reduced to a stammering, disbelieving mess in an interview. Ben and Andrea are both asked to step forward, and Danny and Robert share gleeful looks. Ben and Andrea are asked why they should stay in Hell's Kitchen. This is kind of early in the episode for an elimination, isn't it?
Ben, why should you stay? "I have so much more to give and I'm a leader. Also I'm a strong cook." Andrea? "I have leadership qualities, talent, and fight." Chef Ramsay tells both of them to take off their jackets and the Elimination Music starts up. But they're part of the final six, so everyone takes their jackets off, and everyone's on Team Black now. Ben: "Chef, you scared the [bleep] out of me, chef." Do they have to say "Chef" at the beginning and ending of every sentence like they're in the military?
There is whooping and hollering as the chefs put on their new jackets.
The chefs line up in front of Chef Ramsay again. He tells them it's time for the first Individual Challenge. Robert: "It's on, baby. I'm ready to handle my business individually right now." Aww, yeah. Wait, what? What are you talking about? Anyway, the prize will be going with Gordon to San Francisco. Danny interviews that he wants to hang out with Chef Ramsay and get insight into how he got where he is. Well, judging from his books, he's insanely competitive and driven. So you might try that.
The challenge is this: each chef has the same fourteen ingredients with which to create a phenomenal dish. And they have to use all the ingredients. Andrea thinks this is a lot of ingredients to cram onto one plate. The ingredients include red wine, antipasta, mushrooms, rosemary, and chicken. As the chefs rush around, Chef Ramsay walks through the kitchen exhorting them to use inspiration. Andrea's using the rosemary as a skewer for sort of a shishkebab thing. Chef Ramsay suggests that Danny consider his presentation. Ben fumes about Danny ranking him last. and serve!
First up: Andrea with a rosemary-skewered chicken kebab served with a rosemary au jus and caper-tomato sauce. Chef Ramsay: "That's it?" Ben sneers that he's classically trained and that rosemary skewers are "Culinary School 101". Andrea interviews that she knew that putting the skewers on the plate was risky since it was just one episodes ago that she got yelled at for having crab shells on the plate. Chef Ramsay deems the dish "a lot better than it looks" and says that he just wanted more chicken.
Giovanni has made a pasta pomodoro, and Chef Ramsay likes it. Paula has made a "melange", which I think is chef talk for "I mixed all the ingredients together", and it is also nice. Robert made a chicken cacciatore, which Chef Ramsay thinks is a tiny bit dry but delicious. Danny roasted the chicken and it's fine.
Ben spends about an hour describing what he did with the chicken. It's complicated, and if he can't boil it down to one or two words, I don't see how I can be expected to. Chef Ramsay says it's delicious (which he said about most of the dishes) and praises Ben for cooking the drumstick unlike everyone else.
Chef Ramsay praises everybody's dishes and claims that it's hard to choose a winner among six such wonderful chefs. Does he think we've just forgotten the nine episodes of him calling these people incompetent idiots? The previouslies clearly showed him telling Ben he was awful. Anyway, he calls Ben and Danny forward. He likes Ben's chicken and Danny's sauce. Finally he congratulates Ben. "Finally, Ben gets to taste a little success!" enthuses Ben, who I hope will not be referring to Ben in the third person too often. We don't want a recurrence of J.
Chef Ramsay tells Ben he has thirty seconds to pick someone to go with them to San Francisco. He immediately picks Robert, who is pleased. Neither Ben nor Robert has ever been to San Francisco, which surprises me. I've been there a few times. That's where I picked up my extreme aversion to Cadbury Creme Eggs. Seriously, just typing the name makes me queasy. As you can imagine, this is a tough time of year for me to go into a drug store.
Chef Ramsay tells the other four chefs that it's Delivery Day, so when they hear the delivery truck's horn, they are to run outside and bring the stuff back in. Also, prep for service. Okay, break! Robert feels a little guilty about going to San Francisco instead of Danny, but not guilty enough to not go. Ben claims that he wishes everyone could go with him. Danny is a little sulky and mopes off. Paula comments, "None of you guys take losing very well." Ben interviews that he has no guilt about not taking Danny. He admits that he didn't taste Danny's dish, but didn't like the looks of it.
Ben and Danny pile onto the private jet, and this show is really eating up the fossil fuels this season what with the jets, helicopters, and Hummer limos. Robert interviews that he is thankful to Ben for bringing him, although he is careful to clarify that he is not gay. Does he do that all the time? Like, "Hey, thanks for the birthday present. I appreciate it, although I am not gay"?
A delivery truck announces its arrival with an air horn blast. I am informed that normally, the truck driver will actually get out of the cab, go inside with a manifest, and say something like "Your delivery's here." Or possibly "Will you sign this manifest?" or "Can I use the can?" In this case, though, the chefs have to stop prepping and rush out to the parking lot and carry boxes inside while the sous chefs shout at them. We see Giovanni drop a box of Aqua Panna water. Another box gives way while Giovanni's putting it down, but it looks like the bottom just gave out.
To San Francisco! Gordon, Ben, and Robert are riding a private trolley through the streets. They see Alcatraz and muse about how Giovanni is probably getting pretty fed up about now. So we cut back to the kitchen, where another delivery is ready. Giovanni has, in fact, gotten pretty fed up and announces that he is not running. Danny bounds forward with the exuberance of youth. And it appears that Giovanni is not only not running, he's not even going out to the parking lot, choosing instead to stay in the pantry and snack on something. When he finally makes it out to the truck, he snaps at Paula for asking where he's been. I'm on Paula's side here.
The San Francisco crew is at One Market, where they'll be sitting at a table inside the kitchen. Oh, it's one of those "Chef's Table" things. I heard about those while watching a show about Disney restaurants, I think. They'll be having wild nettle ravioli with fresh California snails on the bottom. Robert digs in and claims that it's delicious. I'll just take your word for that. Chef Ramsay congratulates Ben and Robert.
Back to the kitchen. All four chefs jog out to a van which contains twenty John Dory and thirty-six lobsters. This is traditionally where they should be carefully checking the merchandise before signing the manifest. They bring the boxes into the kitchen, where Sous Chef Scott encourages them to open everything up and check it carefully. We see Danny out at the van deciding that they get everything in the van with the exception of a single small box. Just then! The chefs in the kitchen discover that they've only got 34 lobsters. Uh oh! Two lobsters must have made a break for it! Go lobsters go! Sous Chef Gloria tells them they better get out to the parking lot and stop the driver before he leaves. Meanwhile, Danny is taking an invoice and thanking the driver. We see Danny and Giovanni running through the office park yelling for the van to stop.
They successfully stop the van, just as Andrea ascertains that they actually have 36 lobsters after all. Oops! Giovanni's out at the van, and the driver is on his cellphone. Giovanni's saying all the right sort of thing in this situation, like "I'm not leavin' this invoice the way it is; you gotta scratch it out and gimme credit for two lobsters." Yup. I like the way he's handling this. He has to pretend it's a regular restaurant here. Anyway, Andrea comes out and tells him they're not short lobsters after all. Giovanni is ticked off, and I think he probably has a right to be. Stomping back into the kitchen, he shouts at everyone about checking the delivery at the truck before bringing it all inside, and then Paula shouts at him about how he was the first one bringing stuff in and so on. Everyone's tired and angry, is what's going on here.
Everyone's back in the dorms. Ben and Robert come back and Ben starts telling everybody about every detail of the trip, including "a place called Fisherman's Wharf". Oh, I know that place. That's where I, as an eight-year-old boy ate myself silly on Cadbury Creme Eggs. Did you know that an eight-year-old boy will just keep eating candy for as long as he can, until he throws up into the San Francisco Bay? And then he won't be able to even look at the things he spent hours gobbling? It's true! And while I admit that my little story is irrelevant, it's more interesting than Ben's minute-by-minute travelogue.
Full moon. Second time this episode. Do they just wait until the actual night of the full moon and then get three hours of Moon Footage to sprinkle throughout the series?
The chefs are all in one kitchen doing prep. We see some naked Beef Wellingtons. The evening's recipe will also feature Ben's stuffed chicken from the challenge. Chef Ramsay lines up everyone before the service and gives them a standard Pep Threaten about being phenomenal teammates. So no peeing in the other guy's soup!
Customers are let in! It's on! The first order is in, and there's a good, solid "Yes, chef!" Giovanni opens an oven door and Chef Ramsay is immediately on top of him to stop opening and closing the door. When there's only one team, he has no one to distract him! Robert's scallops are overcooked, because they're too small. Chef Ramsay catches Andrea putting potatoes in a cold pan in an attempt to get ahead of things, and then yells at her for throwing them away.
Paula's Caesar salads and risotto pass muster. Good for her! But now Giovanni's got some of the stuffed chicken and it's undercooked. That's rough for him, because he can't open the door to check on them or he'll get yelled at again. Chef Ramsay shouts at Giovanni for a while then calls out another order: "On order. Six covers, table twenty. Entree: Two wellingtons, two chickens, one lamb, one dory. Wellington medium, Yes?". He asks Andrea to call the order back to him, and she doesn't answer. Ooh, he hates that. Finally, she admits that she doesn't know what's going. Robert explains in an interview: "On garnish, you gotta be thirty seconds before everyone else. If she's not checking the tickets for us, we're screwed." Makes perfect sense to me. Thanks, Robert!
Chef Ramsay despairs and asks Giovanni to tell Andrea what's on order. He tries: "Two wellingtons, one medium, one medium rare. Lamb medium. Um. I'm sorry. Lamb medium rare..." Giovanni trails off as the whole kitchen starts shouting random orders. I think most of them are correct, but they all start at different times and it's fairly cacophonous. Chef Ramsay looks disgusted as he repeats the order: "Two wellingtons, two chicken, one lamb, one [bleep] dory. One wellington's medium, the rest is [bleep] normal." He sounds a little like Christian Bale here. Not the Growly Batman Christian Bale or the Awkward Velvet Goldmine Christian Bale, but the Very Angry Caught On Tape Christian Bale. Incidentally, note that "Normal" is not "Medium". I think that's neat. Then he asks Andrea what's going and she says "I have no idea, chef." What?
Chef Ramsay tells her to [bleep] off and points her out of the kitchen into the dining room. He makes her use the front door, in front of all the customers. Andrea mutters, "Get that [bleep] camera out of my face." Well, you can see why she would.
Extra Exclusive Helping: If Gordon Ramsay were on death row, what would he have? Well, first he would like to make it clear that he's not going to go to jail. But his answer is that he wants his mum's Mac and Cheese. So there you go. You won't get this kind of inside information on the Internet! Well, except here, I guess.
We come back from commercial and there are some repeated [bleep]s. JP gives Andrea a little pep talk, telling her that Gordon wants her to fight back. She looks pretty wiped out. She goes back in and Chef Ramsay asks her again what's on. She says, "Two chicken, two lamb, one wellington, one dory," which isn't actually correct, but Gordon doesn't seem to notice.
Now it's Robert's turn. He's got bacon on the same pan as the john dory, but it goes with the scallops. Chef Ramsay claims that someone might be allergic to bacon, which sounds like a terrible way to live. Robert admits that Chef Ramsay is right ("Of course I'm [bleep] right!" is the obvious answer) and starts over.
We're still waiting for the first entree to leave the kitchen. Giovanni's chicken doesn't look right, and Chef Ramsay tells Ben to have a word with him. Gordon: "Take all the garnish back. Do whatever you wish with it." Like what? Distribute it to the poor? Make a small model of Devil's Tower? Chef Ramsay announces that "the special is not very special. Thanks to [bleep]-face there. Hurry up, Giovanni!" Giovanni: "Yeah. But I'm not a [bleep]-face, chef!"
Shock! Horror! The music freaks out! Someone has spoken back to Chef Ramsay! Ramsay asks if Giovanni is pissed, and then insists that he, Chef Ramsay, is far more pissed. He gets in Giovanni's face and shouts at him. He shrieks "Donkey!" at him, which implies that Gordon Ramsay thinks "Donkey!" is more extreme than "[bleep]-face." Giovanni keeps his cool pretty well here, while Chef Ramsay shouts at him an inch from his face. He just says "Yes, chef" or "No, chef" and eventually Chef Ramsay lets him go back to his station.
Chef Ramsay sends Ben to work on the meat station with Giovanni. Giovanni takes the beef wellingtons while Ben will be doing the chicken special. That he invented. But Chef Ramsay immediately catches Ben reslicing the chicken, which Ben says is because the chicken wasn't completely cooked. This, says Chef Ramsay, will make the chicken dry. And it's Ben's turn in the barrel. The camera gets a good shot of what Ramsay is talking about as the delicious chicken juices drip onto the counter.
Later, Giovanni is late with some entrees, which causes Andrea to have garnishes ready early, and Chef Ramsay shouts at all of them for having poor communication. He's correct. Danny and Paula, meanwhile, are out of the line of fire as they've been for pretty much the whole series. Just sayin'. Anyway, Giovanni is stammering a lot and causing Robert to have to start his john dory over several times. Finally, Chef Ramsay calls over Andrea, Robert, and Giovanni for some individualized abuse. They're sent back to work as a team, and almost immediately Giovanni burns Robert's hand with a hot pan.
Robert goes off to see the medic and we're told it's a second-degree burn to his fingertips. It seems that Giovanni put a 500-degree sheet pan in the refrigerator. What? Who would do that? Why? Giovanni says he was trying to cool it down. Robert comes back to the kitchen and doesn't answer Giovanni's apology. And now various pans are catching fire and Chef Ramsay walks out of the kitchen muttering "[bleep] off, the lot of you."
Crescent moon. What? Crescent moon? Oh, so that's how it's going to be, is it? Night one: full. Night two: full. Night three: crescent. Sure, why not?
After the dinner service, the chefs are lined up in front of Chef Ramsay, who declares that he is not happy. Andrea, Robert, and Giovanni get special abuse. Paula gets praise for being "solid and consistent", so she's to pick out two for elimination. On the way to the dorms, Giovanni apologizes to Robert again. But Robert is still angry about having a "sizzle plate" in the refrigerator. Paula lectures the team about how bad they were.
Back to the dining room. Paula's first nominee is Giovanni for tonight's performance and not being a solid force in challenges. The second nominee is Andrea for struggling with communication. That's fair. Andrea, why should you stay? "I've given everything I've had." Really? Giovanni, how about you? "I'm much better than what I've shown." Well, I hope so.
Chef Ramsay takes a moment to remind Robert that he also did very poorly. And the person who's leaving is... Giovanni. He apologizes again to Robert for burning him, and then voiceovers about his experiences. And then he leaves.
Andrea turns to rejoin the team, but Chef Ramsay stops her. Then he tells her to "[bleep] off back in line," which is what she was doing anyway. So we're down to the top five, and many of them still stink. Ben interviews that he's close to winning.
It's still a crescent moon. And at 2:14 am, Gordon Ramsay calls the dorms and insists that everyone get down to the dining room immediately. Ramsay claims that he's been in his office for the last hour. Sure he has. Anyway, you were saying? "It just doesn't. Make. Sense. How can the final six be so [bleep]?" Well, my theory is that they were chosen on the basis of dysfunctional personality traits and photogenic cheekbones instead of actual cooking skill. But Ramsay is going to do something he's never done before: he's shutting down Hell's Kitchen.
week: the doors might open again if the chefs can prove themselves. And there are ambulances! The most unpredictable Hell's Kitchen ever! Which isn't saying much!
Monty has a blog devoted to Movie Novelizations, cleverly entitled Monty on Movie Novelizations. You can email him at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.
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