Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 37
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 32
Crazy befuddled reaction shots from Giovanni: I didn't count them. But I think it was about 35,635
After Charlie got sent home (last episode, remember?), Seth gloats in an interview that he's still here. And remember last episode, when all the women piled on Lacey for not going home? That's what happens to Seth here. Giovanni goes to some effort to express to Seth that he doesn't care for him. This appears to be because Seth openly nominated Giovanni because he wanted to get rid of the stronger chefs. Seth mocks Giovanni a little, saying, "I know, you're a three-star Michelin already. Dude, cooking steaks. Wow." I enjoy that, because it shows that Seth really has read Gordon Ramsay's books. The man is obsessed with Michelin stars.
Then, for no apparent reason, Robert does a Chef Ramsay impersonation. It's mostly based on physical movements and hand gestures, which are accurately observed. The accent's not very good, though. Still, I enjoy the change of pace.
Now, back to the foolishness. The chefs assemble in the dining room and Chef Ramsay demands that Carol tell him who the strongest chef on the red team is. She pauses for a moment and goes with "Myself or Andrea," because she's not sure if this is the sort of trap where you get yelled at for not having enough confidence to say it's you or the sort of trap where you get yelled at for not respecting your teammates. Chef Ramsay asks the blue team as a whole who's the strongest on their side, and there's another pause. Finally, Danny figures he'll go ahead and say it's him. Might as well. In an interview, Ben is dismissive of anyone who would say they're the best.
The challenge is supposedly about teamwork, and it will involve serving breakfast. Right now! The red team picks roles (pancakes, eggs, hash browns) quickly and, as far as I can tell, without drama. On the blue team, Seth wants to tell everyone about this special scrambled egg technique he knows that Chef Ramsay uses. Giovanni is goggle-eyed with disbelief, and sensibly decides that if Seth is so hot on eggs, he can go ahead and be the egg guy.
A bunch of kids in football jerseys and cheerleader outfits roar into the dining room and there is a brief cheer. There do not appear to be any Toros in the atmosphere. The women are cooking for the 50 cheerleaders and the men are cooking for the football players. The football players get their own chant going, which is "Whose house?/Blue's house!" I'm sure Run-DMC would be proud to know how thoroughly they've infiltrated mainstream society. Anyway, whoever gets all their kids served first will win.
The men would like us to be reminded that they've won all the challenges so far. And while they send food out, it becomes clear that the kids will be chanting things the whole time. That could get annoying, but Colleen, for one, is into it. She's standing in the kitchen and chanting along, which gets on her teammates' nerves. Apparently, they'd like her to be paying attention to the kitchen. Colleen takes a moment to whisper to us in an interview that she can still fit into her cheerleading outfit. Hey, good for you. Chef Ramsay would like her to get the [bleep]ing hash browns on.
The men work like a machine until Chef Ramsay notices some sloppy hash browns and shouts at Robert for awhile. Robert thinks this a bit unfair, since Jay is the one plating the sloppy hash browns. The women are behind, and Coi gets mocked for pancakes which remind Gordon of "rubber knickers." See, he's "Chef Ramsay" most of the time, but for that bit, he's "Gordon."
The men slow down, and it's apparently because Seth isn't cooking scrambled eggs fast enough. Both teams are at forty people served and we see JP high-five a football player. That was weird. There's a flurry of cooking and shouting and both kitchens are on their last ticket. We go to commercial on a pancake with the Hell's Kitchen logo on it. Very nice. And the women win.
The cheerleaders cheer for the women, which is what you'd expect. Colleen does a little cheering of her own in an interview, and the subtitles are careful to point out that she spells out "V-C-I-T-O-R-Y." She's S-M-R-T!
Robert gets on Seth for not having enough scrambled eggs made ahead of time, and Seth interviews that it was a team failure. Because if it was one person's failure that made them lose, that would mean they weren't a team anymore. Well, okay then.
Before the children leave, they all insist on getting Gordon's autograph. He eventually extricates himself, but not before answering "Yes" to one young man's question of "Are you the best cook in the world?"
The men's punishment is to clean the dining room and both kitchens, and then do the prep for both kitchens for the service tonight. The women's reward is described as "Beverly Hills-style camping," which will involve lounging about poolside. As they scurry back to the dorms, Lacey falls down out of pure glee. They also enthuse about how it wasn't a waste of time shaving their legs.
Ben decides to take control of the team, which he does by telling everyone how hard he worked and how many places he helped out. Danny thinks Ben should have been on eggs the whole time. Ben thinks that he helped Danny out specifically, but Danny characterizes that more as "helping me plate pancakes one time." And then Ben's festering resentment at Danny's belief in himself stops festering and erupts into a shouting, fingerpointing, [bleep]ing mess. Ben: "You couldn't cook my [bleep]!" I hope that's not going to be one of the challenges. Danny's defense is "Where you been?" which he repeats so many times, he must think it means something. My best guess is that either Danny thinks Ben must not have been around to see the Awesomeness of Danny or Danny thinks Ben has been barely in the kitchen.
Giovanni tries to settle things down so the other team doesn't see the fighting, but Ben eventually stomps out. The editors would have us believe that he throws a chair, but it is an obvious falsehood. Danny interviews that Ben's reaction is understandable because he, Danny, can be a cocky jerk. That's fair.
As the men start cleaning, the women load into a limousine and go to the Beverly Wilshire Four Seasons, where they hang out by a suspiciously empty pool. Robert interviews that Ben and Danny are both being jerks, but that he's more unhappy with Ben. "Who is he to make other people feel small?" he asks rhetorically. Okay, now I'd like to take up the issue of the punishment/reward transitions. They like to have a shot in one splitscreen with a similar thing happening in the other. For example, right now, we see Ben using a spray bottle to clean a, um, kitchen thing. I think it's the garbage hole in the counter. And speaking of garbage holes -- I'm sorry. That was crass. What I meant to say was that they juxtapose that shot with a hotel employee spraying something on one of the women. And it's a good transition. I'm told it's probably scented water, but I think that sounds weird. Do you think the men would have gotten the scented water reward if they had won? Or is it just coincidence that the men's reward involves hanging out with Gordon Ramsay? (To be fair, the men did get a spa reward last season. So I'm really just making trouble.)
The women return as the men are trying to finish the prep, and they do some trash talking. The women call the men bitches, and then the men call the women bitches. If you like, you can decide which team is being more sexist. I think I've already done my speech about how I think the word "bitch" is interesting because of how its meaning changes based on who it's applied to.
Someone, possibly Andrea, is seen putting on a wig. She's already got hair; she's just adding a bit more to the ponytail area. I don't understand. Anyway, the women get down to the kitchen and have to do some of the prep, which was supposed to be the men's job. Where's the tomato-butter sauce, Ben?
Chef Ramsay lines up the teams for a pre-service pep talk. "If we stay united and bonded, we'll get through as a team. If we become fragmented, we'll disintegrate rapidly." Well, I'm sure we don't want that. Wait, do you think he's talking about the tomato-butter sauce? Cooking is complicated. No time to parse it further, though. It's time!
Customers file in at 6:05 pm. By the way, I apparently missed Olympic skater Lloyd Eisler and his wife Original Buffy Kristy Swanson in the crowd last week. Neat! The men get off to a rough start because Giovanni, who is supposed to be cooking pasta, hasn't got his water boiling yet. On the red team, Chef Ramsay catches Coi cooking spaghetti before it's been ordered and yells at her a bit. Coi and Giovanni are both repentant. Seth's scallops are uncooked, but he just gives a goofy smile and eats them when Chef Ramsay tells him to.
Andrea comes over to the men's side and asks for the tomato-butter sauce. Chef Ramsay is first angry that she's on the wrong side, and then furious when Ben admits that the prep wasn't finished. On the red side, Coi has some spaghetti which is dry, underseasoned, and undercooked. More yelling. There's still no food going out. The customers complain to the servers about how slow the food is, but come on. You can see the cameras; you know the score.
Ben brings some tomato-butter sauce over to the women's side, but it is not up to scratch (I know this will shock you, but apparently it tastes like [bleep]). Ben interviews that he took a gamble and didn't taste it. Back in the kitchen, Ben asks Danny, of all people, to make the sauce for him. Danny is committed to getting it done. Andrea is seen ordering people around and getting things done.
Danny sends over some sauce that is deemed acceptable. Gordon tells Ben that the attempt was [bleep] disgusting. Danny deadpans in an interview, "I just seem to rock everything I touch." Ah. The old Midas curse. Well, not "Midas." I guess. Medusa?
One of the men's Caesar salads gets sent back for having something in it. A lettuce stem? Is that a thing? It's something that doesn't go in a Caesar salad, anyway. J interviews, "J feels like a jackass." Good! Oh, and the voiceover says it's the butt of the lettuce. Heh heh. "Butt."
The men have served most of their appetizers and move on to entrees. Ben, you're up! Bring the lamb! No, they are all too thin. Robert interviews that it looked like a piece of carpaccio on a bone. Meanwhile, LA is getting vexed with Colleen's habit of popping cooked food back in the oven to "keep it warm." Also, LA does not like Colleen bugging her.
Now, Danny's on garnishes. Chef Ramsay shouts for them, and I learn that "mashed potato" counts as a garnish. That's good, because I had been wondering how much work "throwing some parsley on it" could possibly be. Danny's a little slow and commits the cardinal sin of not answering when Chef Ramsay asks how long it will be. All Ramsay wants is a lot of communication. Okay, now back to the red team. LA tells Colleen that the Beef Wellingtons are "Well. Medium Well...Medium." Colleen brings the Wellingtons up to the pass and identifies them as "Well, Medium Well, Two Mediums." Chef Ramsay stops her. He wanted three, but she brought four. They were supposed to be Medium, Medium Well, and Well Done. She identifies the Medium, the Medium Well, and the Well Done one, and then gets beaten down about the extra one.
Chef Ramsay calls out some new orders to the men (which include appetizers for some reason), but Seth is busy muttering "bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon" to Giovanni. Chef Ramsay dares him to say what was just called out, which he of course cannot. And then! Chef Ramsay sees Seth wipe his face and a pan with the same cloth. Oh, this will not stand!
Meanwhile in the dining room, Jean-Philippe has to send back some spaghetti for being undercooked and not having lobster. Nice going, Coi! And there are more returns. We see Coi drop a plate, and Chef Ramsay has had enough. In a flurry of [bleep]s, both teams are declared the losers. Each team is sent back to the dorm to think about what they've done.
In the Red Team's discussions, Andrea declares that she and Lacey did well, and they share a high five. Coi admits that she did very poorly and puts herself up since "everybody else did better than me." For the men, Giovanni suggests Seth and Ben. Ben is frankly dumbfounded that anyone would suggest that he's not awesome. Danny agrees with Giovanni, and for some reason that does not convince Ben that he did a bad job. He thinks he heard Danny's name more often. There's some talk about J's salad mishap.
Both teams are lined up in front of Chef Ramsay, and it turns out that the thing that most grates on him is the butt of lettuce. A steak, you can cook again. But a butt of lettuce? That's the sort of thing that ruins reputations! Okay, Danny, who's up? Seth "for obvious reasons" and Ben because "we just feel he hasn't been able to perform for the dinner services." Lacey, who do you have? Colleen, "based on her overall performance" and ... herself! Chef Ramsay tries to lead Lacey into naming Coi, and Lacey admits that she thinks she did better than Coi tonight. Coi thinks it was her worst performance.
Okay, Lacey, Colleen, Seth, and Ben, step forward. Now say things about how hard you work and how much you're learning. Great. Okay, "Ben ... get back in line." Zing! A little of the ol' Seacrest action from Gordon Ramsay. Anyway, the person actually leaving is Seth. Good.
Chef Ramsay moves Lacey to the men's team. Lacey interviews, "And the bitches rejoice! No more Lacey!" Well, they do rejoice a little.
week: Somebody wants to quit. J can't identify some food! Chef Ramsay yells at Andrea and Robert. It's a Hell's Kitchen you'll have to see to believe! Wait, doesn't that imply you don't trust me?
Montykins has never had risotto. Or Beef Wellington. That's going to change eventually, although this show makes him think they must be practically impossible to cook right. Monty also has a blog devoted to Movie Novelizations, cleverly entitled Monty on Movie Novelizations. You can email him at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.
There's something in my salad! Check out our Hell's Kitchen: 10 Reasons We Wouldn't Be Caught Dead Eating There gallery.