Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 32
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 38
Number of times Gordon said something was going to be the "most amazing" whatever: Two or three
Previously: Scallop-shucking. Robert got screwed on the challenge. Lacey took a nice long nap. Ji's ankle got jacked up. Various types of food were overcooked, undercooked, and cooked correctly. Dinner service got finished, and the men won. Lacey and Colleen got nominated, but Ji couldn't compete anymore. Colleen has a target on her forehead. The end!
Back in the dorms, Andrea is furious that they lost Ji and are stuck with people who aren't anywhere near as good. Andrea's calculation is that 50% of Ji is worth 110% of "some of us here." She gets in Lacey's face about how lucky she is (although I personally think Gordon will be sending Colleen home before he gets around to Lacey), and Lacey accuses her of having turned on her "bitch switch." Lacey appears to still think that team unity is the important thing, while Andrea wants to shout at the useless members of the team in hopes of getting them to at least not spend the entire day in bed. Andrea, Coi, and LA team up on Lacey until she asks them if they think Lacey should go quit right now. If not, then Lacey kindly requests that they STFU.
Everyone falls asleep at 3:00 (we're told) and is then woken up at 6:00 by Scott and Gloria banging on cowbells and shouting "get up!" Giovanni is sleeping on the couch, which means either they didn't have enough beds, or one of his roommates snores. Or maybe he snores. Everyone is harassed out the door and into SUVs. They are driven to "an undisclosed location," where Scott asks if anyone has a heart condition or is afraid of heights. No? Good! Every has to put on black jumpsuits and hardhats and get a barf bag. Because they're going to a big assembly-line meat-processing plant.
In the refrigerated room, Scott shows them a side of beef and points out the various cuts while they stand there and shiver. Lacey interviews that it was very cold, while Colleen interviews that she's from Nebraska and that her mother was a butcher. That could come in handy, I guess, if the challenge is to have your parents come in and do your work for you. Anyway, then everyone goes back to Hell's Kitchen.
Back in the dining room, Gordon has a couple of plastic cows. Scott and Gloria uncover tables with cuts of meat on it, and the challenge is on! Part one is identifying cuts, and the second part is identifying where on the cow the food came from. So the first person puts labels on all eight cuts. Ben goes first for the men and gets one wrong. Giovanni, who worked in a steak house, fixes the mistake. Andrea has two wrong for the women, but Paula corrects them. So now the labels are being applied to the side of the plastic cows, and it's kind of like a competitive version of Good Eats.
Seth brags a bit about how meat is "one of my fortes" and how he could get six or seven of the eight correct without even looking. In fact, he has seven wrong. Out of eight. Incidentally, these are not obscure cuts of meat. These are things like "rib-eye" and "brisket." And "short ribs." The fact that Andrea and Ben couldn't even identify the cuts while looking at them is a little worrying. I'm no chef, but I know what a filet mignon looks like. Lacey has a chance to win after Seth's impressively terrible performance, but first we go to commercials on a specialized bumper that shows the Hell's Kitchen logo being branded onto a cow.
In this AT&T Wireless ad with the rollover minutes and the garage sale, I think the mother is crazy. If they need to save money, wouldn't it make sense to sell off the unused minutes the way the son is doing?
So we're back. Lacey looks worried, and Robert has time to get his changes in. There are still six wrong for the men. Seriously? You guys don't know where the flank steak comes from? Lacey finally rings her bell, and now they have six wrong. Chef Ramsay thinks they should at least be able to figure out where the "bottom round" is. Ben roars in and finally fixes the men's cow, so they win. Charlie claims they're a force to be reckoned with, but that was a really awful performance. Slightly better than the women, though.
The reward (in which Gordon uses the phrase "most amazing" twice) will involve wine-tasting and a steakhouse. And a private jet. Seth believes that he will go "big pimpin'." Robert shows off his wedding shoes to the women, who awwww! all over them. Robert interviews that his wedding was supposed to be the night, but that they put it off for him to be on Hell's Kitchen.
Okay, so about this private jet. Unusually for a "jet," it appears to have propellers. As opposed to the more common "jet engines." Would you like to know what I think? I think this is not a "jet" at all. This does not stop them from using the phrase "private jet" one hundred million times. Also, I think someone called it "crispy," which is a whole different thing.
Meanwhile, the women are in charge of taking sides of beef from the truck to the kitchen. LA and Andrea in particular seem shocked and astonished (yes, both at once!) that they have to deal with big hunks of meat like this. It does look pretty heavy, and they get it to the kitchen. Lacey doesn't do a great job, but she hangs in there, although she's grabbing her back. By the way, who designed this restaurant? They're carrying the meat in through the front door and straight down the middle of the dining room. Isn't there usually a back door? You know, for deliveries?
We're told that the women are in "utter hell," and I just pray that wasn't "udder" hell. Meanwhile, the men are at Sunstone Winery, getting a tour. Back to the women, who are butchering the sides of beef. At this point, I would like to point out that the word "butchering" is frequently misused. Butchers, in fact, are amazingly precise and use incredibly sharp tools. A properly butchered steak is clean and neat. And delicious. However, when people say something was "butchered," they usually mean it was hacked at inexpertly. And that kind of bugs me.
Speaking of things that bug me: LA is complaining that she has blood on her apron. Yes, well, that's what the apron is there for.
At the steakhouse, the men are eating gigantic steaks while Gordon enthuses about how the steaks aren't trying to impress anyone. It's just simple food, prepared well. Back to the women, where Scott tells them to eat some beef tongue, kidneys, heart, and liver. He gives them some barf bags, which I'd hoped would be unnecessary.
Oh, but I hope wrong! Lacey says she won't be able to do it. Coi tells her to shut up and eat. LA interviews that she's one of those people who can't even hear someone else gagging without starting to gag herself. So we see Lacey throwing up into a bag. This means that LA throws up. Sitting to LA's right, Andrea throws up. The people who have not vomited start plugging their ears to not hear the uncomfortably wet sounds that are coming from Andrea. Andrea comes back to the table and gives a heartfelt speech about how awful and humiliating this is and how they all have to pull together as a team. It's a good visual, because all the gagging has resulted in tears running down her face. Coi interviews that she now wants to win for Andrea, who goes off to do more vomiting. It's a complete and total barf-o-rama.
When the men return to see the women still cutting up the beef, somebody shouts "Holy cow!" which is kind of obvious, but I'll allow it. Seth smugly interviews that "winners get rewards and losers play with meat." That would ring more true if you hadn't gotten seven out of eight wrong, Seth. Here's how I see it: Ben did most of the work identifying the cuts of meat, then Giovanni finished that off. Then the rest of you did nothing useful at all, until it was Ben's turn again, and he correctly placed all of the cuts. Ben and Giovanni won. The rest of you jokers came along for the ride. So shut it.
I do not believe he will really shut it.
Day turns to night (featuring the ubiquitous full moon, five days after we last saw one), and it's time for dinner service. Tonight, it's a steakhouse with two seatings. First, one team cooks while the other team serves, then they swap places. The men prep while Andrea gives her team a pep talk. Then the women prep.
The men choose to cook first. Robert dedicates the night to his fiancee. The plan is for each team to feed as many diners as possible. Jean-Philippe panics at Lacey and Paula not getting tickets in. As Chef Ramsay calls out the order, he smoothly tells Charlie to uncross his arms, and then proceeds to get in Charlie's face about the late shrimp for the Caesar salad. Also because Charlie's towel is on fire. Charlie mumbles something about doing his best, and as sous chef Scott walks by, he snaps, "If that's your best, you might want to rethink your best a little bit." Okay, he didn't really snap it. It's got too many words to efficiently snap.
Thirty minutes in, Ben has three desserts ready. What? Before the appetizers have even gone? I think that's crazy. So does Chef Ramsay, who throws away the brownie and the cheesecakes. Ben interviews: "It was my mistake for not exactly knowing Chef Ramsay's terminology, but [bleep] me if the words 'pick' and 'up' don't mean 'give you the desserts.'" Well, did Chef Ramsay say that? Hang on. Tivo will get to the bottom of this!
Okay, I've gone back and checked. He did, in fact, say "desserts pickup." I don't think he meant "make some desserts right now," though. That doesn't stop Chef Ramsay from shoving Ben out the door and telling him to go upstairs and lie down. Ben comes right back in as the voiceover guy makes some strained pun about "brownie points."
Somebody sends back a salad for having too much anchovy. Lacey tells Chef Ramsay, who says that's what they ordered. Lacey agrees with him, and the thing you know, he's calling her a "jumped-up bitch" and she's trying not to cry. Nothing much comes of it.
Giovanni and Robert are called on the carpet for some steak that is too rare. Giovanni, who is a steak house chef, comes in for some special abuse as more steaks come back. Giovanni interviews that it's awful, and I agree.
One table has somehow been forgotten. JP tells Lacey to tell the kitchen to fix it. Lacey's complaining tone gets a little high-pitched. So when Jean-Philippe mocks her, he goes even higher and, frankly, sounds a lot like Beaker. The Muppet. JP tells Chef Ramsay that it's because Lacey forgot the table. Chef Ramsay dismisses her with a wave of his hand, and she mutters, "Yeah, [bleep] off with me, I know." I liked that response a lot, actually.
When Chef Ramsay calls out the order, Giovanni says they're down to one filet. Ramsay shouts at him and sends Seth to cut more steaks. Seth interviews about this in an outrageously fake British accent. I half expect him to say "Crikey, guv'nor!" He actually does say "bugger orff." Seth needs Charlie to take the fat off the tenderloin, and we soon see a huge pile of trimmings to be discarded. Seth hides it in a refrigerator, and we see Chef Ramsay go to take a look at it. He calls the entire blue team over to look at the wasted meat and to yell at Seth for ruining the most expensive cut. He throws the entire wad of meat at Seth and we go to commercial.
Gordon and Seth have a little discussion about how this was Seth's first time butchering a filet, and you remember what I was saying earlier about how "butchering" is supposed to be clean and efficient, but sometimes it's used to mean "sloppy and wasteful"? This conversation uses both meanings.
A new set of orders comes in (or is called out or something) and when Giovanni says a New York strip will be four minutes, Chef Ramsay shuts down the men's team. They had two hours. Robert interviews that he embarrassed himself, his family, and his girlfriend.
Now the women will cook while the men serve. The voiceover claims that "the tables have turned," which is yet another cheap pun. As the men greet customers, Andrea walks up to the pass and shouts "C'mon, guys, we need orders! The ladies are ready to kick your... butts." Yeah, just shout into the dining room. Why not, right?
Charlie does not appear to be good at waiting tables. He sends Ben over to one table to ask if Charlie has taken their order yet, because he (Charlie) cannot remember. Did you follow that? If you didn't and are now completely befuddled, you are in the same state of mind as Charlie. Ben rolls his eyes in an interview, as well he might.
Colleen brings two salads (one with shrimp) to Chef Ramsay, but he says he asked for four salads (two and two). She argues with him, then interviews that he's not very nice. He feels that she is [bleeping] pathetic. The order that comes in is for four salads: three shrimp, one plain. Chef Ramsay screws with Colleen a little, making her repeat the order for him. And then again. And again. And on the fourth time, which he told her would be the last time, she blanks on it. He can't believe it and goes for a little walk. Lacey interviews that Colleen deserves to go home more than she does. Colleen mutters, "I have no idea what's . He's been making me yell." Look, I'm not entirely without sympathy here. But if you can't cook and yell at the same time, Hell's Kitchen is not going to work out for you.
Salads are being sent back for raw shrimp. Meanwhile in the dining room, Charlie is spilling bacon bits all over customers. With thirty minutes left in the service, steaks are starting to leave the kitchen, and Andrea is apparently doing a good job. Ben brings back a medium rare steak that the customer supposedly wants fired up to a medium. Chef Ramsay will have none of that. It's strange how he only does that when the contestants are the servers. I've never seen him tell JP that the customer was wrong.
Seth interviews that maybe he was bringing back steaks that didn't have anything wrong with them. Chef Ramsay seems to be suspicious of him. And as Andrea is momentarily confused about an order, the women run out of time.
The chefs are lined up in the kitchen. Chef Ramsay tells them they're being graded (he says "examined") on their performance in the dining room, their cooking ability, and the feedback from the customers. The men's worst waiter was Charlie. The women's was Lacey. But that doesn't really matter, because the team that served the most entrees was ... but first, a commercial!
Wait, the couple in this cellphone commercial have been married 38 years and have had eleven bulldogs all named Steve? That means that either they've had more than one Steve at a time, or their average lifetime was under four years.
Okay, we're back. The women won. LA interviews that she kind of wanted to lose so they could cut some dead weight. The men are sent off to pick two nominees. Some people want Charlie. Charlie wants Giovanni. Seth also wants Giovanni because, he interviews, if he gets rid of the strongest person, then he'll be the strongest person. Great plan there, Gilligan. People tell Giovanni to his face that they're nominating him because he's the strongest competition, and he gets very angry and Italian, which is represented by the phrase "youse guys."
Back in the kitchen, the men line up in front of Chef Ramsay. J says the first nominee is Seth, who gives one of those Degrassi-style "psssh!" noises. It's because Seth doesn't have the kitchen experience. Second up is Charlie for his front-of-house performance, but while J is saying this, Seth interrupts him and asks if they could go down the line, because he's not sure J is allowed to speak for everybody. J innocently raises his eyebrows and says, "The chef asked me." Then he smirks a little as he adds, "So keep your mouth shut." Awesome. Seth keeps babbling about how he wants to make sure everyone's in agreement with J. Well, obviously the thing to do now is for everyone to back up J and make Seth look like a delusional nutball.
Chef Ramsay isn't going to bother with that, and just calls Charlie and Seth forward. Charlie, why should you stay? Essentially, "because I can cook and I have more experience than Seth." Let's go word-for-word on Seth's nonsense: "Oh, I think Charlie's comment is a great comment that I do not have as much experience as him and I believe that that is where you would come into play and, uh, paint a canvas for me [this is where Chef Ramsay points at himself incredulously] and teach me what I need to know for the rest of my life. I absolutely am floored by this experience, Chef. I'm learning more and more each day; I cannot believe how much I'm learning. I'd absolutely love the opportunity to stay here. I'm absolutely loving being yelled at, I, I, " and that's enough, I think. He goes on for a few more sentences before Ramsay tells him to shut up, but you get the idea.
And the person who goes home is... Charlie! Because Chef Ramsay doesn't "feel it." Charlie feels that he made the wrong decision. Chef Ramsay tells Seth that he was "that close." Seth interviews like a jackass. Lacey interviews that she's still here. The end!
time: cheerleaders! Robert imitates Chef Ramsay. Danny and Ben shout at each other. There is some good sauce and some bad salad. The most controversial Hell's Kitchen yet! Supposedly.
Montykins thinks its weird that his Tivo lets him order pizza online while he watches a show about cooking. Monty also has a blog devoted to Movie Novelizations, cleverly entitled Monty on Movie Novelizations. You can email him at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.
Would you dare to tuck into a plate served up by a HK chef? We wouldn't. Find out why with our Hell's Kitchen: 10 Reasons We Wouldn't Be Caught Dead Eating There gallery.