Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 20
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 33
Contestant Quote of the Night: "Stick your finger in there and touch everything."
Last week: The previouslies covered the entire season so far, which happens again tonight. Petrozza and Christina designed "every detail" of their new restaurants, which involved planning menus and design, and then having their signature dishes judged. Petrozza won, and he got to pick first from the returning chefs. Petrozza got Bobby and Ben, and Jen got Corey and Louross. That left Matt and Jen, with Petrozza to choose. Okay, go!
But first, I am going to editorialize a little. I don't normally get into the complicated producer-based conspiracy theories, but I'm just going to throw this one out there. You know how you sometimes have a contestant who drastically outlasts his or her competency level, and it seems like all they have going for them is a hard core of self-delusion? Like Matt this season: he should have been gone a few episodes earlier, but he keeps being dragged along. The standard theory is that the obnoxiously incompetent contestants are being kept around because drama equals ratings, but I have a different idea. I think someone thinks it's more fun when you get to the end of the season and the potential pool of sous chefs includes crazy people. Crazy people who hold grudges are even better. So when there's someone who might get eliminated around the middle of the season, I think it's possible that someone with the title "producer" might gently suggest they be strung along for a few extra weeks, just so they can come back in the finale and cause havoc.
It's just a theory.
Okay, now go! Petrozza interviews that Matt's a lunatic and Jen can be a bitch. I still think you go with Jen, because she can at least cook. Indeed, Petrozza selects Jen, because she's slightly less crazy than Matt. Naturally, she is oblivious to how she is viewed, interviewing "I definitely know that the reason I was picked second to last is because how strong of a leader I am and they don't wanna be outshined by me in their kitchen, but that's gonna happen anyway." Yikes! Christina interviews more rationally, "Thank god Petrozza picked Jen. I don't trust her, I don't like her, I don't want her on my team." She also thinks that Matt can be managed and has the potential to cook well.
It is ten hours until the service, and there's a barrage of braggadocio [Ed's note: Nice alliteration! -- LG]. Bobby thinks Petrozza's fun to work for, and Ben thinks it's a good team, even though he's never worked with Jen. Jen still thinks she's the most well-rounded and strongest chef around. On the other team, Matt interviews that he has no respect for Christina because "you gotta earn it." Then she strokes him a bit, talking up his risotto and telling him that it was an inspiration, and all of a sudden he looks like he's in love with her. Christina puts Corey on meat and Louross on apps, while Petrozza is more freeform. Apparently nothing is prepped, and Jen is appalled that nothing is written down. She describes his notes as "chicken scratches", although they look fine to me.
Six hours to go! Prep begins and the redesign of both restaurants is behind schedule. Christina is still complaining about the stripes she asked for. Petrozza's got bigger problems, because the booth upholsterer is supposedly missing.
Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Gordon Ramsay is nosing around and checking on things. So Jen decides this would be the perfect time to ask him for a letter of recommendation! Christina is shocked and delighted and rushes around to tell her entire team with an enormous smile. Ramsay walks away without answering (as far as we can tell) and Corey comments that she officially hates Jen. I guess I'm in charge of recording these things for posterity, so: Hello, alien overlords from the future! Corey hates Jen. Just so you know.
Speaking of crazy team members, Matt is saying random things that are supposed to be funny. It's the sort of free-form semi-joke that Michael Scott specializes in, where someone mentioning chutney means you have to adopt an Indian accent for several sentences. Finally, Christina actually grabs him by the shoulders and tries to get him to act normal. Meanwhile, Jen is kind of quiet and nonresponsive to Petrozza, although she does snap at Ben for calling her "sweetheart". In an interview, Ben describes Jen as "pissy". Petrozza goes with "pouting" and "bitch". It does look like she's getting madder and madder that it's not her in the final two.
We go to commercial with a barrage of hype for the finale (which, hello, I'm already watching) and a commercial bumper that involves confetti. And there's a commercial for the new Mummy movie. There's an abominable snowman in it! Yay!
Sorry. Didn't mean to express enthusiasm for something. I know that's not cool. Back to this turkey! Jen continues to be snotty. One hour to go, and Chef Ramsay is ready to review the dishes. Each team has prepared three appetizer, three main courses, and three desserts. But they're not all being listed. Phooey. Christina's got a trio of sliders as an appetizer, but they're all the same thing. Chef Ramsay thinks they need to be sexed up. One of her main courses is a New York Strip, and Chef Ramsay suggests slicing it up instead of serving it as one giant slab of meat. Her tropical sundae is "fantastic", but there are still notes. She seems worried about making dishes too complicated for her kitchen.
Petrozza goes through the same gauntlet. His lobster strudel appetizer might be overcooked, his filet mignon has stiff risotto, and his vanilla soufflé is perfect. Petrozza plans to implement all the changes. Chef Ramsay claims that Petrozza's menu is highly imaginative that will have great rewards if he pulls it off, while Christina is playing it safe and should sex things up a bit.
Christina shows Chef Ramsay her dining room. It looks fine to me, although I realize it will not matter at all. There's soft focus and tinkly piano so you know it's supposed to be classy. Chef Ramsay likes how comfortable the chairs are and appears to quite like the dining room in general. Petrozza's side is described by Ramsay as "rustic", "nice", and "comfortable". Sure, whatever floats your boat. So both dining rooms are fine, then. Glad we established that.
It's time for the pre-service haranguing. "Not the first ticket, not the second ticket, every ticket." Then Petrozza and Christina try to hype up their staffs. Bobby and Louross seem the most excited. Each side has thirteen tables with fifty diners. Matt is quiet, claiming that he's focusing. Bobby exhorts everyone to "man up", but Jen would prefer to "woman up". I would think that would be fine, but Bobby doesn't appreciate it. Petrozza shakes hands with Jen, wishing her good luck. That's nice. Petrozza seems awfully sincere, doesn't he?
And now we're off! For real, this time. Christina calls out her first table, and Louross is really, really excited. He tips his head back to shout "Yes, chef!" as loud as he can, and he's totally into this. See, I think there's a chance he's realized that this is how people are going to remember him, so he might as well do a good job. Or he's just naturally enthusiastic, I guess. That's also possible. Either way, he's not moping around. Petrozza also has his first dish, and I discover that it's funny when highly focused people shout the word "strudel" a lot. "Strudel" is a funny word. Strudel strudel strudel.
Off to the side of the kitchens, Chef Ramsay talks to the camera about how things are going. I was just thinking that I bet it's stressful for Christina and Petrozza, who have to run the kitchen but don't get to cook anything. But what about poor Gordon? Not only doesn't he not get to cook, he doesn't even get to shout at people all night! Also, there's a guy who looks like Agent Smith from The Matrix. I think he's security or something. Gordon wants to see if the energy stays this high.
Well, I guess I was wrong about Chef Ramsay staying out of the way, because he's back inside the kitchen, commenting on Christina's sliders (they look "appetizing") and muttering "come on come on come on" a lot. Meanwhile, Petrozza wants Bobby to deliver the appetizers "quick, fast, and in a hurry". The apps come, but they're cold. So Petrozza has Jen put some foil on the plate and reheat it. Now he's freaked out and begging everyone to test everything before he gets it. Chef Ramsay is delighted and does another of those side-of-kitchen mutter-views where he praises Petrozza for catching the mistakes and being on top of his brigade. Appetizers start showing up properly and Bobby is back to being a four-star general. Sheesh.
Christina gets frustrated because Louross is falling behind on salads and sends Matt to help out. It does not look like Matt is much help, because he's asking constant questions about every single step, so now Louross is managing Matt and even less work is getting done. Christina interviews, "No offense, but -- salad is easy." I'm not sure she's wrong about that. Meanwhile, Petrozza is shocked to hear from Jen that they're out of cheese for the frisee salad. I don't know what that is (it's pronounced like the Frisée in "Bichon Frisée"), but it involves bleu cheese, which they're out of. Jen explains that the station wasn't prepped, which, of course, was not her fault. And now Bobby's about to run out of strudel! This seems like it's probably down to Petrozza's lack of organization. Chef Ramsay harasses Petrozza, who has nothing to say for himself. Ramsay threatens to shut things down, which seems extreme.
So what does Petrozza do, knowing that he's running out of two of his three appetizers? He gets Bobby to come up with something else with the ingredients he still has! So now they have lobster risotto, which the customers seem to like. But Christina's on entrees. That would be good news, if the customers weren't describing them as "luke-warmish". Petrozza has a rare lapse into Schadenfreude, interviewing that Christina's customers returning their food is good news for him. Chef Ramsay is magically over Christina's shoulder (I wonder if he's the angel or the devil?) telling her to feel the steaks. Refire! Corey interviews that this will back them up and gets Matt to make the garnish. Matt gets things done and before you know it, everything's back on track. Jean-Philippe makes sure that the customer with the luke-warmish steak is now happy.
Back to Petrozza. We see empty tables while Petrozza carefully arranges tiny green things on a plate. Chef Ramsay shouts at him to get his brigade to help, and he finally asks for help. And that's much faster! Back to Christina: Matt's monkfish is raw. Matt mutters, "How the [bleep] did it get raw?" I don't think things get raw. I think they start that way. Chef Ramsay praises her for catching it, and she interviews that "The fish came up raw. Raw raw raw." That's the spirit! Raw raw raw, sis boom baw!
Chef Ramsay shouts at Matt a bit, and Matt goes sour. He mutters "Shut up already", and it kind of looks like Ramsay is going to go over there and take him apart. Then Matt claims, "It tastes [bleeping] good, that's what counts." Really? Your raw monkfish is delicious, is it? Anyway, Chef Ramsay is looking to Christina to do something about this, as Matt travels down the rabbit hole of delusion. Now Matt says, "Shut the [bleep] up, you ain't stealing my thunder." Matt has thunder now? Louross is theatrically shocked at this and tries to pep Matt up. It does not work, and now Matt is telling Louross, Gordon Ramsay, and pretty much the entire world to "Shut up." That's about enough for Gordon, and he calls Matt over to [bleep] at him a bit. He does not throw him out of the kitchen, though; he just tells him to shut up and cook.
In the other kitchen, Petrozza is waiting on one onion ring from Jen. She sasses him a bit and then gives him a floppy, limp ring. Petrozza looks like all the fight has gone out of him, just walking around with a hangdog look (he does a really good hangdog look; I think his face is built for it) and asking Jen despairingly for a crispy onion ring. In an interview, he despairs further, lifting his hands to he heavens and crying out for onion rings. The rest of the table (six orders!) is getting cold, and Chef Ramsay explains to Petrozza that his kitchen has "one awkward bitch" in it. Petrozza talks to Jen, but goes with "Shut up and cook the food" instead of "Get the [bleep] out of my kitchen." Chef Ramsay thinks Jen is sabotaging Petrozza. I know that's a traditional theory, but I'm not sure I buy it. Some seasons, sure, but this group has never been that great at finishing a dinner service to begin with. Anyway, the onion rings finally show up.
Two hours into the final dinner service, Petrozza has served entrees to 10 of his 13 tables. Christina has served 8. Matt provides uncooked monkfish, and is told in no uncertain terms to "Fix it. Now!" I think Christina has a good voice for shouting at people and telling them to get it right. It's very piercing. Christina interviews, "You need to shape up or get the [bleep] out of my kitchen." What, me? What did I do? Chef Ramsay threatens Matt with expulsion, and Matt's still muttering, "Shut the [bleep] up and let me cook." Gordon as much as tells Christina that if she doesn't throw Matt out, he will.
There are commercials. What will Christina do? Well, she will micromanage Matt a little, telling him to cook two thin tail pieces, presumably because they'll cook faster. Matt interviews defensively that the fish was not raw, well maybe a little bit of it was raw. He refers to the crevice, pronouncing it "CREE-viss". Is it shallow of me to mock someone's pronunciation? Oh, it is? Well, that's a shame, because that's what I'm doing. And I stand by it!
Matt has some good fish (finally) and at least seems to be cursing at the food now instead of the other chefs. Suddenly they're almost done, and Christina tells Matt he's two perfect risottos away from being done. Then there's some dessert-related shouting, and both kitchens finish their services. Christina and Petrozza share a relieved handshake, which is nice to see.
After the service, Chef Ramsay has the two brigades applaud themselves. Then he tells them again about how one of them will become the Executive Chef for the London West Hollywood and sends Petrozza and Christina upstairs to the dorms. They both hug and thank their teams, and it looks sincere. Up in the dorms, they're consumed by exhaustion and impatience.
The winner will be determined by comment cards and Chef Ramsay. There are misty water-colored flashbacks. The final two go to Gordon's office, and Christina is talking the whole time. She's not really saying anything, though. It's just nervous chatter. In Gordon's office, he tells them the decision has been agony. They both have strengths. They're worthy finalists. He's watched them grow (over the three weeks or so that they record the show). Christina and Petrozza each step up to a door. They'll each turn a handle, and the door that opens will determine the winner. And the winner is --
Christina's parents are here. Petrozza's girlfriend and father (these are different people) are here. Petrozza came here to win. Christina thinks it's go time. Open on the count of three. One. Two. Three. They open the doors. And the winner is--
Hey, it's some commercials! There's a new ad for Hellboy 2, which I think looks incredible. I'm so excited about that movie. Okay, anyway. We come back from commercials, redo some of the delaying, and show the last minute of the show again. That gives me a chance to make fun of the phrase "Open the door to your dream." This is a cooking reality show, not a Terry Gilliam movie. Okay, enough stalling. The winner is (after the longest music sting ever)--
Christina! I'm surprised. And I find that I'm pleased. I liked her, and I think the role she'll actually play at Gordon's restaurant will be better suited for somebody just out of culinary school, you know?
Petrozza has no hard feelings and talks about all the beautiful people he's met. Gordon interviews that Christina had the best potential and that he thinks long-term. Yeah, I like Christina, but I think there's a chance that he was thinking a cute blonde would sell better than a schlumpy guy. I love Petrozza, but let's face it, he's schlumpy.
week: Nothing!
Montykins is pretty hungry now. You'd think he would have learned to eat before the show. Monty also watches a lot of movies, which he writes about on Monty on Movies. You can email him at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.