Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 52, which I think might be a new record
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 30
Contestant Quote of the Night: "Who sees something that needs to be done badly?"
Last week: A Sweet 16 birthday party, which meant the men rode around in go-karts. Matt acted like Matt, which annoyed Bobby, Ben, me, and everybody watching at home. Chef Ramsay shoved Rosann off her station. The women nominated Shayna, claiming that she was kind of slow, and Matt got put onto the women's team. Chef Ramsay insisted on Rosann stepping forward, then sent Shayna home. It's hard to have an opinion about that when Shayna had only started to get any camera time at all in the last two episodes.
As the contestants go back to the dorms, several of them are already getting out cigarettes. I don't want to make a big deal out of this, because I realize a lot of real-world chefs do smoke a lot (or as Bruce McCulloch once said, "These guys? Smoke.") but seriously, there is a lot of smoking going on in this show. These guys sure smoke. I think I'm just used to reality shows going to great lengths to protect me from the sight of people smoking. I have no idea what those blurs are to everyone's hand on America's Top Model!
And in addition to smoking, they yell. A lot. In this case, Matt is shouting at Ben and Bobby, as well as anyone in the general vicinity. He does not take kindly to being "put out there to dry". Ooh! I'm sorry, Matt; you're very close to the correct phrase, but I can't award you full credit. In fact, I have to deduct points for your interview, where you stab your finger petulantly at the camera, saying "I don't hide behind anyone. And Chef Ramsay knew that." Well, no, actually Chef Ramsay directly told you that you were hiding behind Bobby.
I think the key word here is "petulantly," which is a fun word. It describes every word or action taken by Matt these days, especially when he's complaining that the other men are picking on him. After shouting at everyone, Matt stomps off (petulantly), leaving Jen to comment that if he thinks the men are manipulative, he has no idea what he's in for with the women.
In Matt's room, there's a three-ring binder on his bed, so there's a chance he's going to study the menu in an attempt to do better in the kitchen. Although it looks like he's rummaging for snacks, so who knows? Corey adds a complaint that she doesn't think it's fair that the women got rid of their weakest chef and then get stuck with Matt. She has a point.
Hey, it's a full moon again! It seems like the moon has been full for a long time, doesn't it? I bet the werewolves are happy.
New day. Everyone's in the kitchen. Ben is not afraid of Matt. Chef Ramsay has cooked three dishes, which will be the subject of the traditional taste test. The first dish appears to be chicken covered in melty cheese on top of noodles of some sort. Presumably, the chefs will be expected to be a little more precise than that. Ah, it's Chicken Parmesan, and the contestants will be expected to identify which ingredient is missing. (For the viewers at home, the answer is "the chicken," because it's really soy protein). Even though the voiceover claims it's soy protein, we're shown a box of Zeph Faux Chik Strips that clearly says "meatless and soy-free." Further complicating things is the face that a brief Google search does not turn up anything suggesting that Zeph Faux Chik Strips even exists. Is this product placement from an alternate universe? We're through the looking glass here, people!
The chefs, not having Google to distract them, guess which ingredient is missing. Corey thinks it needs garlic. Louross throws out salt and pepper. Ben brags in an interview that he has the best palate in the world, and then mutters in the kitchen that it's processed chicken. Well, he's close. The dish is beef stew, in which the beef has secretly been switched with Blue Moon Farms all-vegetable steak strips, which also don't exist. If they did exist, the voiceover would have us believe they were soy-based, while the bag says "all-vegetable". This is highly suspicious. So what's missing? Louross again just guesses salt and pepper. Petrozza observes that the texture of the meat is odd, and Chef Ramsay is practically vibrating with excitement. Christina thinks the meat is overcooked, and Chef Ramsay thinks everyone's working too hard.
Dish three is sausage ravioli, but the sausage is "Tasty Ground meat-free patty-style sausage". Except that doesn't exist either. Stop messing with me! Either have product placement or don't; this product placement for fake products is just weird. All the chefs love the ravioli, and Petrozza specifically heaps praise on the filling.
Chef Ramsay explains the gimmick and decides Petrozza was closest to being right. But not close enough! Everyone is a loser! Thus endeth the Humiliation Round. Now we're doing a blindfolded taste test, which I always enjoy. The teams are uneven and Jen is told to sit out, which she complains about in an interview.
First Three Items: Rosann vs. Petrozza. Rosann thinks it's white meat pork, but Petrozza accurately identifies the "dry-ass chicken". Rosann recognizes the sweet potato, while Petrozza thinks it's a turnip. Third: Rosann knows what a nectarine tastes like, but Petrozza thinks it's pineapple. No! 2-1 to what Ramsay is still called "the girls", even though Matt's now on the team.
Round Two: Corey vs. Louross. Neither of them get the meat loaf or watercress, so it's down to turnips. Corey: turnip! Louross: Salsify! I think that's what he said, anyway. That's what it sounded like, and the Internet says that salsify is a plant with white fleshy roots that are cooked and eaten, so it sounds turniplike. I'm going with "salsify". Anyway, he's wrong. 3-1, women.
Round three: Christina vs. Bobby. Shrimp? Nope. Radish? Christina gets it, but Bobby thinks it's a parsnip. How about chopped truffle? Christina knows it immediately and asks for more, but Bobby thinks it's a mushroom. Okay, come on now. The men have gotten one right out of nine tries. Jen is astonished that someone wouldn't know truffles a mile away, and I have to admit, I'm a little shocked myself. Anyway, it's 5-1.
Round four: we're supposed to be excited that Matt is going against Ben here, but it seems to me that even if Matt misses them all and Ben gets them all right, the women will still win. But no! They'll be tasting something (looks like a clam chowder) made by Chef Ramsay and trying to identify as many of the ten ingredients as they can, going back and forth. The women are worried about Matt, which makes sense. Ben starts with clams, which tends to support my "clam chowder" theory. Matt comes back with potatoes. Ben? Cream. Matt: Thyme. Ben: Celery. Matt: Onions. All correct so far, so it's 7-3, with four ingredients left. Ben will have to name every ingredient correctly and have Matt not hit one. Go! Ben says parsley, which is correct. At this point, I think they're just listing what goes into a clam chowder. Chef Ramsay goes over the math, although I think he's off by one. And then it's down to Matt, who guesses carrot. He's right! Blindfolds off! And hugs for Matt!
The punishment for the men is to clean the dorms top to bottom. The red team gets to go to... the patio. Really? That's one of the "most amazing rewards"? A massage in the patio? You can call it a "spa day" all you want, but it doesn't sound that great to me. The red team seems pretty enthused about it, though. Oh, and then there's a service tonight.
The blue team does not enjoy cooking. Matt claims to be a metrosexual. Sous chef Scott calls up and makes Ben bring the women iced tea. He does not do it particularly gracefully, telling Matt that he looks like an idiot. I'm not saying he's wrong, you understand.
Down in the kitchen, the teams prep for service. Somebody calls Petrozza "Trozzy". Matt starts poaching quails eggs and rabbiting on about redemption. I resist the urge for an Angel joke. Chef Ramsay gathers everyone together and exhorts the men to pull it together, and then abuses Jean-Philippe a little: "Get off the sun bed and open Hell's Kitchen, please!" It's on!
Before the orders come in, Chef Ramsay reminds Rosann that he's still watching her and harasses Ben about responding. Rosann's on fish, and Chef Ramsay doesn't like the first scallops. The second try works, though. On the blue side, Louross's eggs are not ready for Bobby's fish, and there is the expected amount of yelling and blaming. So the red team is on entrees when the blue team is still on appetizers. Jen says not to start a dish and Chef Ramsay jumps down her throat: "Look at me. Don't dare start pulling tables away." She complains about this in an interview, but I don't think that will do any good. Then we see her sullenly refusing to respond to anyone.
On the blue team, Louross makes a salad that Chef Ramsay really likes. On the red team, Rosann has made a piece of fish that is not acceptable. In the course of calling everyone over to feel it, Chef Ramsay calls Jen "Stroppy Face" and tells her she's given up. Then there's a lot of bleeps, most of which were Gordon, and the phrase "raw, stone-cold langoustine!" a few times. Chef Ramsay is not happy with the way everyone is just trudging back to their stations. It was mostly Rosann and Jen getting the abuse there, while Matt, Corey, and Christina were just bystanders.
Now it's the blue team's turn. Ben's got some pink chicken, which prompts a lecture about how no one's making eye contact or communicating. Ben: "Chef, I'm not used to the brigade system. It takes a little time to get adapted to it. And... that's it." He kind of trails off as he realizes that Chef Ramsay is staring at him with a mixture of disbelief and contempt. And I don't think it's the usual contempt, either. I think this is the genuine article.
Chef Ramsay's response, which we see interspersed with some gloating from Matt, goes like this: "D'you know what? Hey. You are so [bleep] sad. Hey. Every time I ask you something, you give me the limpest excuse, d'you know that? [Ben: "I'm just being honest."] Yeah, I know that. I'm being [bleep] honest with you. You're one of the most [bleep] saddest I've ever met in the [bleep] kitchen. 'It takes a little time.' 'I can't get used to this.' Sounds like a [bleep] weirdo on Dr. Phil. I'm about to snap with you. LOOK AT ME!" He's "about" to snap?
On the red team, Christina is told that her beef is perfectly cooked, and I love her response of "Yes, chef." Not "thank you," you'll note. Just "yes". Like, "I know that and agree." It's very nice. In an interview, she is of course beside herself with delight. But she plays it cool in the kitchen. Then, after I've said all these nice things about her, she goes ahead and says "Thank you" and gets yelled at and told not to start peeing her [bleep] knickers. See? Just shout "Yes, chef." It's easier.
Oh dear. On the red side, we're told that more than half of the diners have their entrees. And on the blue side, people are eating granola bars they snuck in. The smart ones are, anyway. The unprepared diners are worrying that they'll run out of bread. Chef Ramsay calls Petrozza over to complain about the state of his station. It's messy, all right. And on the blue side, it's time for Chef Ramsay to call Matt over, make him taste something, and... compliment his risotto. And then Matt, walking on a cloud, thanks Chef Ramsay, doesn't even notice that he's told to [bleep] the thank-you, and gloats all the way back to his station. He tells Christina that Chef Ramsay said it was the best risotto he'd ever tasted (no, he said "best risotto of the night") and then, in an interview, starts to thank his wife, his best friend, Chef Ramsay, the sous chefs, and everyone else he's ever met for making him what he is today. So it turns out that I also can't stand Matt when he's happy.
Back on the blue side, Ben tries to draw a semantic distinction where "I have that Wellington" means both "I have both of the Wellingtons you asked for" and "There is nothing ready on that ticket yet." It turns out that Chef Ramsay is not impressed with this, nor is he pleased to be told that it will be six minutes for a well-done beef Wellington. Ben complains in an interview, and then we see him ask Petrozza, "Where's the mise-en-place for the lamb, because I'm going to be three short." I say "What?!" exactly at the same time as Chef Ramsay, who sees all and hears all. The ticket for that lamb says 6:30. The current time is 7:57. That's insane. Chef Ramsay doesn't like hearing this.
You know who does like hearing this? Matt likes hearing this. Matt likes hearing this very much indeed. He smirks to Jen, "Damn, Jen, and I was the problem over there." See, he's obviously right to be smug and reveling in his old team's failure. And yet, I still want him to shut up. It's hardly fair, is it?
Back to the red team: Rosann's fish is raw. Jen didn't hear an order and can't be bothered to look around or raise her voice, so she sounds fairly disgruntled and uninterested. More shouting. More bleeping. Chef Ramsay says over and over again that he's had enough, pausing only to dump a tray of food over (onto Jen's station, who says in an interview that she won't put up with that). Chef Ramsay gets in Rosann's and Jen's faces.
Two and a half hours in (at 8:33), we're told that no food is coming out of either kitchen. But food is being returned to the blue kitchen, which seems ominous. It also seems odd, since we never saw any blue entrees leave the kitchen. However, these beef Wellingtons, which were requested well done, are apparently bloody all over. Shout, shout. Kick, kick. Ben decides to keep his head down and keep cooking, which of course does not please Chef Ramsay, who instructs Ben, "Switch it off. You're not sending any more [bleep] out of here. You've sent enough." Ben tries to brass it out: "Are we done? Because if we're not, I'm gonna complete my station tonight, chef." "SHUT IT DOWN! TURN IT OFF! YOU [BLEEP]!" Matt sniggers.
The customers leave, and the chefs are all lined up in the kitchen. By the way, the kitchen is completely clean at this point. So there must be at least some time between the end of service and this portion of the festivities. That's the sort of thing you notice when you freeze-frame a lot. Chef Ramsay insults both kitchens for awhile and takes a moment to praise Matt. His risotto is now "the best risotto to ever go out of Hell's Kitchen." The losing team, as usual, is the men. Each individual will be selecting a nominee.
Up in the dorms, Matt claims to be very humble about the compliment he won't stop talking about. Ben has a plan: "I'm nominatin' myself, because I ain't sellin' the three of you guys out. Who you puttin' up, Bob?" Okay, let's break that down. It's obvious that Ben is the person that Ramsay really, really wants to fire. But Ben has tried to phrase this so the other men will nominate themselves instead of just all taking a step back and letting Ben hang. He's dropping a lot of "g"s, he's countrifying his dialect, he's using more "ain't"s and "Bob"s than usual, and he's just generally doing everything he can to sound like a friendly, all-for-one, country boy. In an interview, Louross emphasizes that he is not nominating himself. Of course he isn't!
In Ben and Bobby's room, Ben characterizes Louross's reluctance to volunteer to step in front of the bullet meant for Ben as a failure to "man up". Bobby suggests that Ben should nominate Louross, then. Ben loves that idea and calls Petrozza into the room. This is a crazy, stupid idea. Petrozza doesn't even think Ben's serious. Ben tries to build a case based on Louross's failure in challenges (which I can't be bothered to check up on, although Louross did do poorly tonight), but Petrozza points out that Louross didn't do anything wrong in the service. Bobby thinks the safe thing to do is to nominate each other, so all four of them are up there. Ben loves this plan, but Petrozza doesn't seem sold. And why should he be?
In the dining room (which is cleaned up with new tablecloths and settings), the men's team lines up. There's a clock visible in the kitchen, but even with the awesome power of HDTV, I can't make out what time it is. But that's okay, because it's time for the nominations! And I can't get too excited, because I think it's obvious that Ben is going home. Even if no one nominates him, Ben is going home, right?
Louross nominates Ben, and emphasizes that he does not fake the funk. Ben nominates Louross. Bobby nominates Petrozza. Petrozza hems and haws through some commercials and finally nominates himself, claiming that he can't pick any of his teammates because they work too hard. He totally co-opted Ben's "look like the bigger man" plan! And Ramsay buys it, telling him that his level of maturity stands out and that he's the most gracious man on the team. Yes, Petrozza truly is Spartacus.
Anyway, Ben's leaving. There's no "defend yourself" part; just the inevitable end.
Now that the red team has five and the blue team only three, Chef Ramsay asks for a volunteer to go over. We won't find out who until week. The contestants are dismissed, and Petrozza is told that he's a gentleman. "Thank you, chef," he answers. "It means a lot, coming from you." He appears to be sincere, but that would be pretty good as sarcasm.
week: Who goes to the blue team? Corey thinks it should be Jen. Jen thinks Corey is a manipulative-ass bitch. I think the power of TiVo has told me who switches teams. And somebody allegedly cuts off their finger and loses the tip in the pancetta.
Montykins is really starting to wonder if any of these clowns has ever seen the inside of a kitchen before. He watches a lot of movies, which he writes about on Monty on Movies. You can email him at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.