| Season 9 | Episode 1
It's Monday night, and I'm recapping a reality show. But that show is not The Bachelor, or The Bachelorette -- it's a show where people need to have a practical, demonstrable skill to win, and not just be willing to sleep with a stranger for three months' worth of fame. It's a beautiful day!
The show opens with the thinnest explanation of how the show works, by which I mean it just points out that the two finalists each try to open a door, but one leads to eternal fame and fortune and the other leads to the dishwashing station at a Taco Bell in southwest Missouri. There is a montage of clips of people receiving their Hell's Kitchen invitations, and reality TV convention dictates that they try to look completely at a loss as to what this piece of mail may be while studiously ignoring the fact that a camera crew is filming their reactions. A few people insist they will win, including a large bearded redhead who says he will dominate, but the crazy eyes suggest he thinks "dominate" might mean "kill, dismember and make love to drifters I pick up hitchhiking on the Interstate."
And now it is time for Opposite Montage, in which we see clips of Ramsay wannabes displaying the opposite of whichever characteristic the narrator tells us they will need to win: teamwork, intelligence, diplomacy, and then we shift into Literal Montage: humility (illustrated with a woman saying, "I'm sorry, chef" about 500 times and flagellating herself with whisk while Ramsay makes a face like he just saw a unicorn), passion, drive and an inquisitive nature ("Let me ask you a serious question: Do you take medication?").
I feel very lucky to be taking over Hell's Kitchen at this time, because apparently this season is the most volatile ever, and also the chefs want to win more than anybody has ever wanted to win anything, and Ramsay is at his most demanding ever, and there are also fire trucks and a kid rasping "Shut it down!" and what looks a riot and then I think there is a guy on a horse and a man on fire and one of the other cheftestants kills somebody with a trident.
9:18 A.M. Somewhere in Los Angeles. The Hell's Kitchen bus zips through traffic while maitre d' James asks everyone if they're excited to get to Hell's Kitchen. Jason, 29, of Chicago, the burly bearded redhead we saw earlier, says he's so excited to get cooking. He also has a huge lead in the On-Camera Sweatiness category of the show too. Natalie, 23, has brought her formidable cleavage from Harrodsburg, Kentucky, to tell us that she's a rock star in her own world, so coming here and being treated like a rock star isn't that much of a difference. But if you're just a rock star in your own world, doesn't that mean ...? Never mind. Do Kentucky proud, Natalie. Carrie, 31, from Dallas, tells us that she's the hottest chef from the hottest restaurant in Dallas, so she and Ramsay are going to have sex or be best friends or something. Will, 31, from New Jersey is the first guy to point out to us that they're not they're to be friends, and he's going to steamroll me. I didn't do anything! He also has the New Jersey accent that makes me assume it's a daily struggle not to bust out a "fuhgeddaboutit" the way Canadians say "eh."
| Season 9 | Episode 1
So the bus pulls up at the Orpheum Theatre, where the marquee promises "Live in Person: Hell's Kitchen Chefs!" but doesn't say if there will be Colosseum-style fights to the death. Nevertheless, this is enough to blow the mind of Gina, 34, from Cape May, New Jersey, who is all like WHAT, you guys! Someone named Amanda, we don't know where she's from, swears appropriately.
The cheftestants are sent right off to hair and makeup. Carrie is a pantry chef, Jason is a line cook, and both are overselling the craziness of what's going on, like it's a Hieronymus Bosch painting. Krupa, 30, from Queens, can't believe they're supposed to cook their signature dishes for everybody. I for one cannot think of anything crazier than the chef contestants on a cooking show cooking their signature dishes for people. Up is down! Black is white! They're lined up on a stage, in front of a table with covered platters. Monterray, 34, of Darby, seems a little freaked out by the chanting audience behind the curtain. Everyone's holding hands, and the curtain goes up ...
... revealing no one. There's no one in the audience. Well, there's someone, starting a sarcastic slow clap. Standing at the back is Ramsay, who lays into the chefs for expecting there to be a packed house, what with them all being nobodies right now. Their resumés mean nothing! "Yes, chef!" everyone yells, only they don't do it loud enough and have to do it again. "Unfuckingreal," he mutters, stalking off. "I felt like I was being berated," says Amanda, 26, of Sun City, Calif. Uh, "felt like"? Wasn't any "felt like" about it. Then she says she wanted to do a "we're not worthy" thing for whatever reason. I don't know. Maybe she's high? I'm just guessing here.
Ramsay stomps up to the stage and tells everyone that he's looking for someone to be a star because the winner will get a quarter-million-salary and be the head chef in a New York restaurant. Both aspects of the prize earn applause from the cheftestants. Jonathon, whose drawl relieves him of the necessity for him to tell us he's from down south, says he's absolutely ready to handle the big time. There is also another eye-bulging clip from Jason, but six minutes in and I've already long grown tired of him.
The restaurant? BLT Steak. Everyone applauds. Elizabeth, 27, a line cook, says BLT Steak is "amazing." She's from New York, and she couldn't have wished for a more perfect scenario. Ramsay orders everyone to get their asses back to Hell's Kitchen to make him the best dish they can.
| Season 9 | Episode 1
Pinball credits. I'm just going to list the names and we'll worry about details as they come up in the show: Paul. Chino. Jason. Natalie. Tommy. Gina. Jonathon. Krupa. Monterray. Elizabeth. Brendan. Jennifer. Steven. Amanda. Jamie. Carrie. Elise. Will. All the cheftestants are trapped in a pinball machine from hell while Ramsay plays it. Everyone here is lucky they can cook, because none of these people would have made it on Hell's Acting Class.
The cheftestants have 45 minutes to make their signature dishes, and Elise, 26, a line cook from Pittsburgh, mildly gets into it with Monterray because, as she tells us, she is "definitely not afraid to fight back," which is such a refreshing change from the usual reality show contestant who usually informs the audience they'll roll over for anybody. "They better watch themselves!" she says, while Monterray tells us he would elbow his mom for $250,000. Will says being a cook and being on a cooking show that he applied to be on is "a little surreal at first" but it comes down to "same shit, different toilet. Same baloney, different bread." I hope one day he opens a restaurant called Same Shit, Different Toilet. Brendan, 31, from Hoboken, insists that his aura ensures that when he walks in a room, all eyes are on him, and his competitors will definitely be intimidated by him. He's obviously speaking ironically. The only question is whether he knows he is or not.
So: dishes are ready, and Ramsay explains that this is actually the first team challenge: men versus women. First up is Carrie, the pantry chef (that's a real thing? I don't know what that is. When it said "pantry chef" before I thought it was supposed to be "pastry chef") vs. Will the sous-chef.
Carrie made a chicken-fried ribeye, with Yukon gold mashed and white truffle cream gravy. It looks like half of a KFC Double Down on a pile of dog vomit. "I actually have a little sugah in there," she says. Ramsay's all, "who in the what now?" so Carrie blames the sugar on her mom instead of trying to sell it. "I don't know who in their right mind would put sugar in their mashed potatoes," Gina tells us. Carrie tells Ramsay to just try it, and tells us he'll love it because it's fucking delicious. "It's like an orgasm in your mouth, come on," she tells us. Dig in, Ramsay! It looks like dog puke and it tastes like a blowjob! He tries it, and spits instead of swallows. He calls it disgusting.
So it's Will's turn, but not before Ramsay asks him what his heritage is. Italian Jewish. "My friends call me the pizza bagel," says Will. Those aren't your friends, Will. He's made sheep's milk ricotta gnudi. "That is delicious," says Ramsay, awarding a point to the sweaty pizza bagel.
| Season 9 | Episode 1
up: Amanda, with an eggplant rollatini with creamy polenta, vs. Brendan with salmon with a basil cream sauce. Amanda's is seasoned perfectly, he tells her. As for Brendan? "This came from Harvey's restaurant where you were a cook," says Brendan, rather smarmily. He tells us he did a lot of research to show Ramsay he'll go the extra mile. Ramsay praises it, awards them both a point. If Ramsay notices the severe apple-polishing, he doesn't say anything about it.
two: Jennifer, from Boston, with "Jenny's pork," and we don't hear anything more about it other than it's got her "special marinade." Served with green beans and sweet potato, looks like. Ramsay chews thoughtfully. "It's not bad. The pork's moist, tasty." Jonathon is from Memphis. "What the fuck is that on a plate," says Ramsay, looking down at what appears to be orange squares, strawberry salad with nuts and pineapple and apple? "I call this the punch-drunk chicken," Jonathon tells Ramsay. I guess there's chicken in there somewhere too. Jonathon tells us that because he's got the Southern flavor, he puts a lot of flavor in the food, and if Ramsay doesn't like it, he's full of shit. Ramsay looks like he's not sure where to begin, but finally picks up the pineapple -- oh, there's the chicken. Hiding under the canned pineapple. Canned pineapple? asks Ramsay. "Limited time today," says Jonathon. Well, you weren't required to grow the pineapple, Sawyer. Ramsay says 45 minutes is plenty of time. He can't believe Jonathon's serving him canned fucking pineapple. "You can fuck off now. Serious," says Ramsay, who offers to pay for Jonathon's ticket home. Then he says "forget it" and everyone reacts like he shot Jonathon, and we go to commercial.
When we come back, Jonathon has declined the early exit from the show, but Ramsay's so pissed at the canned pineapple that he refuses to even taste the dish and awards the women a point, tying the signature dish challenge at two-all.
Up : Krupa, with -- in response to Ramsay asking, "What in the hell is that there" -- a traditionally Gudjarati dish of stuffed naan. It looks like the green sauce has dried up somewhat, and doesn't look too appetizing, if not exactly like four shits on a plate, which is I think what Ramsay says here. At least he tries it, but says the spices are "raw" and "bland." "My dear Krupa, that is crappa," he says. I bet if had been good he would have called her "Supa Krupa!" Krupa, identified as a private chef, cries and tells us he thought she was a joke. She insists she's better than this.
| Season 9 | Episode 1
Then there's Paul, with an eggplant involtini, with crab and mascarpone and ragout. Ramsay likes it, calls him a natural chef. "Slam dunk," Paul tells us.
Jamie, 24, from Bradenton, Fla.. Ramsay seems impressed she's already a sous-chef, but she knows how good she is. She's serving up lamb lollipops with red onion confiture. He tries it, and tells her she's overcooked the lamb. "If you're going to have the balls to call yourself a sous-chef, learn to cook lamb properly first," he tells her. She croaks out a barely audible "yes, chef." Steven, a sauté chef from Ridge, N.Y., has made seared diver scallops with wild mushroom risotto. He tells us he's been cooking for thirty years, so no one else has a chance at this thing. Ramsay's eyeing his dish skeptically, and he pokes at the scallops, saying they look like dinosaur toenails. Steven tries to tell him it's got good flavor, but Ramsay bags on both of them. No points! "Stop fucking around," he tells them.
We start to rush through the matchups, with Elise's pesto seared scallops with sautéed escarole earning a point over Hatboro, Pa., executive chef Chino's Korean barbecue beef because his miso is too strong. Three-all.
Monterray nails the sea bass, while Natalie makes perfect lamb chops. A point for each. Elizabeth's pan roasted quail is going up against Brewster, N.Y.'s Tommy and toasted coconut crab cake. Ramsay's a little more interested in his tattoos. He's got designs all around his neck, plus "Rock and Roll" tattooed just under his hairline on his forehead. "So now I'm supposed to take you serious," says Ramsay, and Tommy says he'd appreciate that. Ramsay does manage to see past the tattoos and says there's finesse in the crab cake, and awards a point to each of them.
So it's tied for the last two dishes: Gina's pan-roasted pistachio scallops up against Jason's pork tacos. I WANT BOTH THOSE THINGS. Ramsay says the scallops taste nice although she burned the top of them. As for the tacos, Ramsay wants to know why he'd make tacos on a day like today. "Because they taste delicious," says Jason. Ramsay limes 'em good, and munches away. He deliberates for a moment, but based on an interview we already saw with Gina being slightly indignant about Ramsay complaining about the scallops being a bit burned, it doesn't take a genius to predict that the men get this one, which they do. "It looks a mess, but it tastes delicious," says Ramsay.
The men will be treated to a feast in downtown L.A. with last year's winner, Nona, while the women will be cleaning both kitchens and preparing for tonight's opening.
| Season 9 | Episode 1
Too bad for the women, because they're missing out on pearls of wisdom from Nona, who advises the men to fight every day. Hope y'all are taking notes! "This is for your life. It's not just fun and games," says Nona, who may be overstating it a tad. The men toast the women, for scrubbing up the pots and pans.
"The kitchen looks like a fucking tornado went through it!" gripes Gina. Or perhaps eighteen chefs just prepared a meal there? Either or. Elise bitches about the fact that she's cleaning despite earning a point. She may be unclear on the whole "team" concept. She bitches about Krupa and Carrie sinking their team.
Anyway, the kitchens are ready, and the men and women are crisply attired in their blue and red colors respectively, and receiving their J.A. Henckels knife sets. "Those Henckel knives are the bomb!" says the 44-year-old Steven, not afraid to toss around the ancient slang. I bet he thinks he impresses his kids' friends with how hip and with-it he is. I hope to be him in 10 years.
So: Krupa's determined to do better for tonight's opening than she did in the signature dish challenge. She plans to shoot herself if she fails again, which will be compelling television if nothing else. With the chopping and simmering and boiling well underway, Jason starts feeling dizzy and breathing heavily and staggers out of the kitchen to sit on the floor and be administered oxygen.
Will figures they can't sit there and harp about Jason possibly dying, because they still have a service to put on. And here comes the... fire department? Like a full-on fire truck instead of an ambulance? Dude's not THAT big. Anyway, Ramsay announces to the teams that Jason's been taken to hospital for a few days' bed rest and will not be returning to Hell's Kitchen. Monterray's concerned that they're already down a man, but Paul's confident that eight men are better than nine women. Well, eight men would likely get paid more than nine women, but that's not the same thing, Paul.
Ramsay tells James to open the Kitchen. The restaurant's been redesigned to put a balcony above the kitchen, all the better to see just how much chef sweat is going in the food.
First order, for the blue team: risotto, squab, scallops, spaghetti. Everybody says, "Yes, chef," except for Chino, who says, "Excuse me, chef, can you repeat that?" "Can I repeat that? Yeah, I'll repeat that: Fuck yourself. 'Can I repeat that?' Is he fucking stupid?" says Ramsay. Chino looks pissed at himself for being kinda dumb.
| Season 9 | Episode 1
Ramsay can't deliver the order to the red team over Elise yapping away, so he orders "big mouth" to deliver it herself, which she does: scallop, two risotto, for appetizers.
Ramsay lays into Monterray for delivering the garnish well before the dishes are ready, while Carrie's scallops are ready before Elise's risotto is. "It's extremely frustrating because I was doing my part!" whines Carrie.
And now the risotto is ready, only it looks like watery Minute Rice, and Ramsay ain't taking that shit out there. So Krupa's on it, and Elise is indignant about being replaced by someone she only just met today. She says she can kick Krupa's ass with a blindfold and a broken arm.
Blue side: Steven gets lambasted because delivers food for the second ticket before he's finished making food for the second ticket, over Will's protests. "We don't have the time to sit here and do shit twice," Will tells us. The blue diners finally get their first appetizers, while Krupa brings up the risotto. Ramsay angrily asks who made it before saying it's delicious. Then Krupa squeals and dances and Ramsay shits all over her, telling her to make ten more like it and then all the other dishes before she pulls something like that. "Don't start peeing your knickers now," he says.
Fred Lynn, Baseball Legend, gives his seal of approval to the risotto, as the red diners are finally starting to receive their food. But Chino delivers some subpar fish entrée to the pass, and Ramsay bellows that it's burned and throws it out. "I burned the miso cod. And I should know that shit too, because I'm Asian," Chino tells us. Heh. Jonathon also tells us that Chino really fucked up the cod. It was like roof tar, apparently. It was no canned pineapple, that's for sure. Chino's sent to the sidelines to peel garlic, or whatever.
Krupa tells us the girls made a pact not to lose tonight. Oh, well, you made a pact. She delivers a perfect Wellington, and entrees start leaving the kitchen. Baseball legend Fred Lynn approves again. Not exactly teeming with even C-list celebrities this episode, are we?
Steven brings up some scallops to Ramsay, who then gets in an argument with him over whether the "springy" scallops are ready. Ramsay calls them rubbery, and Steven's punishment is to go sit to Chino and eat the scallops. He merrily stuffs his face. "I think they're perfect," he tells us. "You can't teach an old dog new tricks," says Paul. So Tommy takes over the fish station, and Ramsay's scallops go from rubbery to "boiled bits of shit." He's benched too, and Ramsay even sends over some sauvignon blanc to go with the raw ceviche scallops.
| Season 9 | Episode 1
So Brendan's practically tenting his fingers all Mr. Burns evil at the fact that blue team members are dropping left and right, since he figures he'll roll right over everybody. "This competition is mine, and it's only a matter of time." Ramsay's also not too busy to yell at all the benched chefs that they fucked up the fish station. Steven tries to point out he jumped up to help at the fish station, and Ramsay says he wish Steven had just jumped in the oven instead, as it would have made his life easier.
Carrie's not having a ton of success with her scallops, but not so bad that her food is getting thrown in the garbage. There are shots of annoyed diners checking their watches, and pretending like they're not actually there in the hopes of landing at least a teensy bit of television time. I mean, if you've seen this show, you know that sometimes it takes a while for food to get out there.
Anyway, while the three stooges drink wine and eat scallops, Jonathon rocks on the beef Wellington (which he tells us he's never cooked before), but now Monterray is now not ready with the garnish, so Ramsay sends the protein back.
Elise muscles in on Carrie for the fish to impress Ramsay, which works, if the reaction she was going for was, "What in the fuck is she doing?" He sends her to the red chef's table.
Another perfect Wellington from Jonathon, but they're waiting on garnish, and now Brendan's aura is burning the potatoes. "I've never in my whole career ever been stopped by fucking side items," says Jonathon. Sure, well, roadkill squirrel goes with anything. Paul takes some time out to yell at his teammates for not being as awesome as he is.
So now diners are walking out of the restaurant. Ramsay pulls the stooges up from the chef's table to yell at them and point out that not a single entrée has left the kitchen, and he shows them the pans piling up. Steven offers to wash them. "I'm talking about the customers! Not the fucking pans!" yells Ramsay. And then he says "Fuck off" at somebody.
"At that point it was a train wreck on us," Brendan tells us, whatever that's supposed to mean. And despite Carrie's pep rally cry of "Let's not disappoint the customers!" Ramsay shuts it down.
Teams are lined up. "This for me has been the most disappointing opening ever," Ramsay tells them. He tells Carrie that the scallops weren't so much the problem as things not being timed right. Carrie throws Elise under the bus, which Elise takes exception to, and then they bicker while Ramsay rubs his face in angry despair.
| Season 9 | Episode 1
As for the blue team, Jonathon and Paul stood there with their pants down getting fucked. Ramsay basically asks Brendan if he gives a shit, and Brendan oozes insincerity as he says they'll try not to let the customers down time. "I'm really happy for Paul, that he actually learned how to cook protein," he says, prompting Paul to invite him to fight right now.
So the teams are both losers, but the blue team, having sent out zero entrees successfully, is the bigger loser, so they've now got to figure out which two people to let stand for elimination. They sit around in silence for a minute before Paul decides to challenge Brendan to a fight again, while Brendan makes fun of him for acting like a tough guy and calls him a "breadcrumb dumpling." Chefs have the best insults! You're a gnocchi! Yeah? Well, you're limp watercress! Will figures Paul and Jonathon should be out of the discussion, but he thinks Steven should be up for it. Steven protests this, since he at least got some appetizers out. Paul suggests Brendan and Chino, since nothing on their side got out. "This fucking sucks," says Tommy, while Will picks his fingernails and lets the cigarette dangle from his mouth while he says, "It's what we signed up for, guys,:
So: the men come back out, having reached consensus. First nomination: Steven. "The different methods he used failed," says Jonathon. Second nominee: Monterray. "I've never had sides stop an entrée from going out, and it was really fucked up. It pissed me off a little bit," says Jonathon. Ramsay calls them worthy nominees, but he's got a third one who should be nominated, but we've got through a commercial break first.
When we get back, Ramsay adds Chino to the chopping block, and tells them to step forward.
Monterray says he should stay because he knows he can do better than Steven: "He tried to step up to the plate and he really didn't do what he said he was gonna do." Neither did you, points out Ramsay. "Yes, chef, I know," says Monterray, who adds some nonsense and trying his best.
Chino admits to overextending himself, and Ramsay points out that Chino spent more time peeling garlic than cooking, and he's looking for an executive chef, not a prep cook. Chino wisely doesn't point out that Ramsay was the one who sent him to peel the garlic.
Anyway, Steven thinks Monterray should go, because he and Chino at least got some appetizers out. "Honestly, all three of you sucked," says Ramsay, who then says his decision is Chino and Monterray. Both of them step forward, but it's a fakeout, and Ramsay sends them back into the line, and brings Steven forward.
| Season 9 | Episode 1
"Steven, jacket off, your time is done. Short and sweet. Thank you. Sorry, but I can't go through that again." Steven walks through the doors and towards the light. He says it's embarrassing being the first one kicked off. Probably partly because if he figured if he were going home already, he'd have worn something more than the wifebeater under his chef's jacket. Something with a little more body hair coverage? "It is what is, it's done. Nice guys always finish last, that's probably me," he says.
Ramsay tells the rest of them that Hell's Kitchen is a series of test, and so far they've got a failing grade. "Get a grip. Fast. Got it?" he tells them. "Yes, chef," they say. "Fuck off," he tells them, and the battered, defeated crew trudge off. Monterray tells us he's gotta bring his A-plus-plus-plus game from now on, Krupa's pleased with herself but says she's going to get better, and Brendan persists in his delusion that chef=gangster by saying it's time for him and Paul to go to the mattresses and eliminate Paul sooner rather than later. I'd like to point out to the wannabe that you go to the mattresses with your family and you go to war with your enemy.
Ramsay takes us out by saying he realized early on that Steven had as much chance of being executive chef at BLT Steakhouse as Ramsay has of winning a gold medal in figure skating.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He urges Jason to write down that recipe for pork tacos before he croaks. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.