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By Keckler

Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 21
Best Ramsay Insult of the Night: "You're standing there acting like a jumped-up little cavewoman!"

Best Example of Ramsay Just Being Awesome: "I can't stop the CHURCH!"

Best Contestant Quotes about Melissa:

"If Melissa were on my team, a very dark side of me would come out." --Rock

"That bitch is crazy -- I showed her exactly how to make this simple-ass, dumb-ass dish." --Rock

"And she's not going to stop talking, and I may have to strangle her with some chiffon." --Bonnie

Just when I thought this show couldn't get any more fantabulously horrible, we get this Melissa-packed, hate-filled night.

Back in their rooms after the nights' service, Rock tries to tell Josh why he nominated him to go home but Josh just disagrees with him. It's fairly amicable. On the other hand, Bonnie whines to her girls how no one patted her on the back or supported her after service. I'm not quite sure what her deal is here because if you all recall, Ramsay singled her out as the worst of her team, so just what back-patting does she think she's due? Melissa reminds her it's a "fucking competition" and then tells us that Bonnie is a "failure waiting to happen." After asking for back pats, Bonnie wonders aloud to her team if she even deserves to be there. Make up your mind, donkey! Meanwhile, Melissa strokes her Amber Waves of Annoying. If I were her, I'd spend more time spackling that acne volcano on her chin than fussing with her hair. Seriously, we were starting to wonder if it was a sudden wart.

morning on location at Bristol Farms, Chef Ramsay informs the teams that they will be cooking for a "weddin'" reception. Why would you ever choose to have your reception at a place that has "hell" in the name? Imagine the invitations. Man, I hope they aren't Catholic. Each team will have to create one appetizer, one fish entrée, and one meat entrée. They have $100 and thirty minutes to spend and shop. Hmm, this looks oh so very familiar. Melissa decides to "take the lead" or, as we like to call it, get bossier than God, and pushes her team to do a duck entrée. Melissa tells us she took the lead because her team has needed that from her time and time again. When the teams check out -- to the sounds of a "O, Fortuna"-esque chorus -- the girls are just under their budget and the boys are over by nearly $40. After some argument, the boys finally figure it all out.

Back in the kitchen, the Blue Team rocks it, so we're just going to leave them alone for the duration. However, the Red Team seriously loses it and it's entirely Melissa's freaking fault. She starts off by calmly instructing, "If anyone has a question, just ask me because that's what Chef has been doing." Julia's deadpan reaction makes me love her even more, "Oh, yeah -- that's been helping us." Julia asks Bonnie a question about cooking the duck, and even though Bonnie totally answers her correctly, Melissa SHOVES her aside and tells Julia, "Ask me if you have any questions." Bonnie has stomped off but Julia asks, "What is your problem, Melissa?" "You're supposed to ask me, not Bonnie," Melissa informs her. Yep. This is ONLY the beginning. So, later on, Julia had taken the duck out of the oven to keep it from burning. What does Melissa do? She puts it back IN the oven and blathers, "All the food has to be hot okay? I'm assuming that you all had a little bit of knowledge of how to cook, otherwise you shouldn't be here." In the back, Rock is whispering, "Argue! Argue! Hell's Bitches! Hell's Bitches! Yes!" He rocks my television world. Okay, now Melissa has discovered that the duck is overdone and tells Julia that. "I know, you made it overdone," Julia tells her. "I didn't make it overdone -- your job, your station," Melissa has the gall to tell her. Julia tells her not to even try it.