| Season 11 | Episode 1/2 | Aired on 03.12.2013
"After ten electrifying years, Hell's Kitchen is breaking all the rules," we're told, as though there's some sort of governing authority with an official rulebook. The promos do their best to make it seem like this year's crop of foul-mouth foodies actually risk their lives to compete. Also, there's a puppet. None of the promos have to do with cooking skill, unfortunately. "But to win, they'll have to survive the most punishing Hell's Kitchen EVER." Also, there will be paintball.
Seven AM., LAX. The new chefs arrive. Barret, 35, a head chef, used to be in Rancid, apparently. Susan, 29, a "culinary student," may not have any experience, but she doesn't "do mediocre" and she doesn't "do failure" so winning Hell's Kitchen is the only option. Nedra, 24, kitchen manager is going to "knock the competition clean out the box." Ray, 51, executive chef, talks about old school versus new school, and you guess which one his old ass belongs to. Zach, 34, head line cook, in his hipster-chef costume of beard, glasses and po' boy cap, yells, "Let's doooo it!"
We meet more of the contestants as the Hell's Kitchen bus takes the gang through L.A. Jessica, 25, chef tournant, just wants to make a good first impression on Chef Ramsay (cue pretty-girl pose and harp sting). Anthony, 27, line chef, is super-excited to see Hell's Kitchen.
So everyone is confused when the bus heads into the left-hand airport return lane. Dan, 27 -- his ears stuck on from a Mr. Potato Head set -- wants to know what the fuck is going on. It's always fun when this show is padded out with the contestants explaining they were wondering what's going on. Then a Ramsay video comes on the bus's television, telling them that L.A. is not their final destination. He wants them to come to him right now, and he's in -- the camera pulls back -- Las Vegas. Everyone in the bus goes berserk, especially Jacqueline, 27, a roundsman. I don't even know what half these job titles are! Their plane -- or let's be real, stock footage of a plane -- lifts off from L.A. and takes us into the opening credits, which is some sort of Transformer Terminator nightmare hellscape pitting the contestants against rampaging kitchen equipment turned into maniacal robots, the last of which is, naturally, Ramsay.
Vegas! The cheftestants are greeted by showgirls, and Anthony and Dan in particular seem to think the dancers are there to have sex with them. I presume we'll see footage of these two down on the strip later collecting escort cards? They take a double-decker bus through Vegas and take in the sights. Nedra apparently is already pissed at this "crazy bitch Gina," who is a full-blooded Sicilian who demands her competition respect her, or something.
| Season 11 | Episode 1/2 | Aired on 03.12.2013
After what feels like hours, the cheftestants are taken to an auditorium where they seem surprised to be greeted by cheering fans, despite the fact this happens pretty much every season now. Ramsay arrives, and the cheftestants introduce themselves. Apparently there's more than ever before, and more than just Americans -- there's a Mexican who figures if he could make it past Immigration, Ramsay should be a breeze. And now one of the women is doing pushups and I'm not sure what's going on.
Thankfully the always lovely Chef Andi comes out, leader of the women's team, followed by new guy Chef James, to oversee the men. Ramsay announces this year's winner will oversee the brand-new Gordon Ramsay Pub and Grill at Caesar's Palace, plus a salary of $250,000.
But wait, there's more! The signature-dish challenge is happening in front of this live audience. This news seems to excite some of the cheftestants and terrify others. They've all got forty-five minutes to come up with something that represents them on a plate. "And as they say in Vegas, 'Good fucking luck,"" Ramsay tells them. I don't remember that on too many tourism brochures, actually. It's more of a subtextual thing, I suppose.
The cheftestants trip all over themselves in the crowded kitchens but they all get their dishes completed in the time frame. First up are executive chef Danielle from Atlanta and head chef Barret from Long Island. Barret has a Mohawk and -- much to Ramsay's amusement -- a Hell's Kitchen pitchfork and HK shaved into the side of his head. He's made a porkloin roulade with fresh spinach, oyster and shiitake mushrooms, and roasted garlic potato and shallots. Ramsay balks at the apparently excessive garlic. "No wonder you're fucking hair's standing up," he says, to applause from the audience.
Danielle made a parmesan-encrusted chicken breast with grilled asparagus and a lemon beurre blanc. Ramsay tells her the asparagus looks burnt. But will it still make your urine smell funny (and maybe burnt)? He shits over the preparation of the chicken too. No points for either side.
Up : Nedra from Detroit and sous chef Sebastian from Brooklyn. Sebastian doesn't seem to want to bring his dish up, so Ramsay goes with Nedra first. Instead of just showing him the goddamn dish, she asks for time to pray before Ramsay busts her balls.
EVENTUALLY, we learn that she made double-grilled potatoes with a rosemary-glazed lamb. Ramsay tells her it's cooked perfectly. As for Sebastian, he's made shrimp and salmon corn dogs. (The audience titters, because what?) Ramsay's unimpressed, and he makes Nedra taste it. She makes a big show of gagging and spitting it out. Good thing she doesn't have a vested interest in her competitor's dish tasting like shit or anything. Ramsay tells Sebastian he was right to try to bolt out the door rather than bring that dish up. One point for the women.
| Season 11 | Episode 1/2 | Aired on 03.12.2013
up: Susan from Orange County and lead cook Jeremy from L.A. He made a stuffed steak with smoked gouda, and things get off to a bad start when he doesn't even seem to know if the steak he just made is a ribeye or not. "So you're a lead cook and you haven't got a fucking clue what you're cooking," says Ramsay. He holds up five fingers to Susan to make sure she isn't in fact blind, since he can see from here that her lamb is raw. "Are you seriously trying to kill me?" he asks. Oooh! Is there a Ramsay-assassination subplot this season?
After the commercial break, we come back to find out if Susan is actually trying to kill Ramsay. It turns out the answer is no, and he also spits out her couscous with currants and toasted pine nuts, because it's overcooked. "Is this funny for you?" he asks. I suppose it's Susan's fault that she's on a show to find a great chef and SHE'S NOT ACTUALLY A CHEF, yet but whatever. No points awarded.
Executive chefs Ja'nel from Houston and Ray from Boston are up . She made Thai grilled prawns with a spicy Asian pesto. He whines that there are just two prawns, wondering if they're on a budget or a diet. She -- at his prompting -- passes it off as an appetizer. At any rate, he says she nailed it. As for Ray -- the oldest chef in Hell's Kitchen, we learn -- his orange mess on a plate is a stuffed veal cutlet with prosciutto and gruyere cheese, topped with a homemade piece of something I don't know what he said. Ramsay says it's cooked to perfection, and the competition has just gone up a level. Both teams get a point.
Line cook Gina from the Bronx takes on head cook Dan from Westchester, N.Y. She made penne with meatballs and stuffed braciole with Italian sausage. He asks if she picked it up at a buffet, because it's bland and the penne's undercooked. Meanwhile, Dan's plate looks like someone threw up on it, according to Ramsay. It's supposed to be eggs benedict with a champagne hollandaise sauce, sourdough bread, heirloom potatoes and sautéed spinach. Ramsay says it's fitting it was made in Vegas, because whoever eats it is sure to get the craps.
Time to speed things up a bit. Executive chef Amanda from Orange County and chef de cuisine Jon from York, Pa., both get points. Head chef Cyndi from Queens takes on executive chef Michael from Plains, Pa. Both dishes are good, but Michael gets the edge. The score is tied at three.
Chef tournant Jessica from NYC squares off against line chef Anthony from New Orleans. She made a pan-seared wahoo with vegetable succotash and a lemon-thyme vinaigrette. Ramsay wants to know why she cooked a wahoo for him if she works at a steakhouse, but he still says the dish is lovely. Anthony has made a New Orleans barbecue scallop po'boy -- Ramsay makes fun of his plating (he's got the side in a separate dish), and then he calls the dish disgusting, with raw scallops. "You just embarrassed New Orleans cuisine." Point to the women.
| Season 11 | Episode 1/2 | Aired on 03.12.2013
Boston line cook Christian versus Mary the butcher from Belchertown, Mass. She's got a high-pitched voice that makes Ramsay plug his ears. She's made a pan-seared duck breast with a red wine and orange reduction. The duck is still raw in the middle. "You certainly butchered your dish," he tells her. Why do I feel some of his judgments are based more on whether he can come up with a nice slam than the actual dish? Christian has made some sort of sautéed eggplant pasta. Ramsay tells him it looks a mess, but it's got flavor, and the men get a point.
The final pairing -- surprise, surprise, we have a tie -- pits head line cook Zach from Philly against roundsman Jacqueline from Florence, N.J. Zach has made a grilled pork chop with mustard greens. Ramsay says the dish tastes nice but the protein is slightly dry. Jacqueline has a roasted magret duck breast with sweet potato roasty and caramelized Brussels sprouts and a currant au jus. Ramsay says it's seasoned beautifully and presented nice. It's a close one, and he's happy that they've finished better than they started. It hasn't been so long that this show has been on that any of us think this is being revealed before another commercial break, right?
And then Ramsay declares the women to be the winning team, and a riot practically breaks out in the audience. Hooray for women! Their reward: they will be VIP guests in Vegas. "You are in a night full of surprises," Ramsay says, while the men will not be flying back to Hell's Kitchen or riding in a limo. They're riding a school bus. Ha! Nice. "I've been assured that the last time they checked, it should make it," says Ramsay, adding that there may be a problem with the air conditioning. The idea is to possibly kill a couple of the men on the way back, right?
The men board the bus despondently, while we watch the women enjoy a luxury suite that features an ice sculpture and sushi on the body of a woman, which only ever seems like a totally sanitary, non-sexist and not creepy way to serve sushi. If any of the women have reservations about this, we don't see it.
Meanwhile, an hour into the bus ride, it's so hot that Zach is considering saving his own sweat to drink it. I suppose he'd wring out his ever-present cap and top it off with beard squeezin's, huh? And while the men are focused on not dying, Sebastian decides to hold court on how they all have to work together and not let egos get in their way. You know, the guy who decides he's going to set himself apart by taking a leadership role that no one else wants him to have. Everyone appears to hate Sebastian for this, and eventually they're not shy about telling him so.
| Season 11 | Episode 1/2 | Aired on 03.12.2013
It's dark at this point, and the bus pulls off the freeway, and the show really wants to persuade us that maybe one or more of the men are going to die out here, and back from commercial we learn that -- it's just a bathroom break?
Meanwhile, the women are getting tickets to a Celine Dion concert and meeting her and pretending that this isn't a worse punishment than the men received. Seriously, do they all like her? Not one person wants to break Celine Dion's balls?
They still arrive at Hell's Kitchen before the men get back, by about forty minutes, on the other side of midnight. Anthony whines about the women getting VIP treatment while he rode a bus. He's familiar with the concepts of "winning" versus "losing," right?
And while people get down to studying the menu, Gina pulls out -- no lie -- an Italian chef puppet named "Alfredo Al Dente" and proceeds to piss off her entire team. "Bitch, who brings a puppet in Hell's Kitchen?" Nedra asks. Age-old question! And suddenly Nedra is about to murder Gina? I guess? Goddamn, dial it back on the manufactured cliffhanger commercial breaks, guys.
Nedra tells Gina she's a little cuckoo, but Gina's opinion is that she is not cuckoo. Well, you both make a good case! And then apparently it takes the 49-year-old Gina a million years to get up from bed. She might be weighed down by all her eye makeup. Eventually she makes it, and the teams assemble in their reds and blues and receive their knife sets.
The teams get to work prepping for tonight's dinner service, but Gina appears to be hallucinating? "I'm feeling like I can't function," she tells Andi, who takes Gina backstage and yells for a medic. There is zero sympathy from her teammates, and their collective opinion seems to be, "Gina's screwing us so bad right now." Goddammit, Hell's Kitchen, I just survived Tierra on The Bachelor. I DON'T NEED ANOTHER TIERRA.
To be continued: In five minutes! That's right. It's not a two-hour season premiere, but two premiere hours!
That means we need to sit through closing credits, then previously-on scenes and opening kitchen-transformer credits again, because Fox knows we'll put up with this shit. FINALLY we get back to the show, where the medic is asking Gina if she knows who and where she is. Gina's mysterious ailment appears to be that she just doesn't want to be in a kitchen. So no, she's not dying. She's just a delicate flower who doesn't feel like working right now.
| Season 11 | Episode 1/2 | Aired on 03.12.2013
Her teammates are prepping, Nedra deciding they'll pull it together. Gina, back in the dorm, pours herself some tea and... does her makeup?
In Blue kitchen, Jeremy's inexperience is shining through, according to Ray. The lack of Gina doesn't seem to be a hindrance in Red, and then Gina eventually makes her way back in. She asks Jacqueline what she missed. "What'd you miss? You missed everything!" is the response. Can't argue with that.
Ramsay assembles the troops for his pep talk: "I'm not looking for perfection," he says. Inspiring. However, Ramsay is guaranteeing a complete service tonight. Then there is a staged kerfuffle with the returning Jean-Philippe, trying to sneak in through the restaurant behind Ramsay, who pretends to be pissed off at J.P., who pretends to be arriving a day later than he promised. But whatever's going on here, it doesn't resolve itself just yet, and Ramsay opens Hell's Kitchen. He's adding an appetizer of ale-steamed mussels, to be served by Amanda in Red and Christian in Blue, and the J.P. sketch continues with Ramsay chewing J.P. out for being late with the order tickets. I'm not sure what they're leading up to with this, but we won't find out tonight.
Anyway, Gina, still completely out of it, gets to work fucking up the scallops, according to her team, meaning that when an angry-sounding Ramsay demands to know who cooked them, it turns out they're perfect. Meanwhile, the Blue team doesn't even realize that when Ramsay shouts out an order, they're supposed to shout "Yes, chef." And for all his bluster on the bus, Sebastian can't cook risotto. Zach, however, is killing it on the scallops. Out on the floor, Christian is tired of waiting for his teammates and decides to just serve up the mussels willy-nilly. It's total anarchy!
Gina serves up cold, overcooked scallops but refuses to step off scallops and blames Nedra's risotto preparation. But her attempt is no better, and Ramsay boots her out of the kitchen. She heads back to the dorm where she puts on or takes off more makeup and adopts the "this is everybody's fault but mine" attitude. "Those little bitches, they better watch out. There's going to be war," says Gina. Tough talk from someone who came down with a severe case of fuckinglazyitis this morning. Seriously, it takes a lot of nerve to stay up all night bugging your studying teammates with your terrible puppet routine, then blow off morning prep, and STILL think you didn't deserve to get the boot.
| Season 11 | Episode 1/2 | Aired on 03.12.2013
The men try again to get the first ticket of appetizers out, which they do, and I guess one successful order means they're "on a roll." Zach's beautiful scallops (again) are wasted because Sebastian fucks up again, and then angers Ramsay by calling Zach "Zachy-Wacky." He gets tossed, and then he makes it so much worse by electing to just head back in and gets thrown out again.
Meanwhile, Christian has decided that he's just going to serve mussels to anyone who is still waiting for their food, whether they ordered mussels of not. Welcome to the most free-musselly season of Hell's Kitchen EVER!
Danielle is struggling to remember the tickets that are being called out, and Susan amusingly wonders if she's the head chef of a hotdog stand.
In Blue, the loss of Sebastian seems to improve things for the men, who move on to entrees, but Michael's lamb is not nearly as impressive -- or even edible -- as he thinks it is. At least he can slice them; Jessica takes fully three and a half minutes to cut hers (you'll never believe this, but Nedra calls her a bitch). However, when she gets them up the pass, they're cooked perfectly. "Girl can cook some meat," says Cyndi. Respec'!
In Blue, Barret has refired his Wellington but Michael's not done with the lamb yet. Eventually Barret decides "fuck this" and brings the Wellingtons up, forcing Michael to hustle up the lamb, which doesn't have enough meat on the bone. Oh, and the Wellingtons are overdone, too, so don't break your arm patting yourself on the back, Barret. Sebastian picks probably the worst time possible to stick his face back in and ask to come back, and Ramsay throws the three of them out of the kitchen, warning Sebastian that if he comes back again, he'll be leaving by the front door.
An hour into service, and the men haven't sent a single entrée out to the dining room. In Red, Danielle is struggling to get the garnish (kale) out to the pass. Susan complains that she's spending more time babysitting Danielle than she is worrying about her own garnish. Oh, so that's why her garnish sucks enough to prompt Ramsay to throw her out. Danielle lasts just long enough to be confused over how much kale she needs for the redo, and Ramsay tosses her bewildered tearful ass out, too.
In Blue, Jeremy is making kale, at least whatever kale he's not dropping on to the open flame of the burner, and stammering his way through a misunderstanding of what the order is. He gets thrown out.
| Season 11 | Episode 1/2 | Aired on 03.12.2013
Ramsay decides to send the Red entrée out without garnish, hoping it'll catch up before the diner even notices, a strategy that doesn't work when the diner -- THIS isn't staged at all -- comes up to the pass to ask where her garnish is (because when you're in a restaurant, you don't ask your server where your food is -- you march into the kitchen and say "what's up?"). Jacqueline gets thrown out for taking too long to find her water bottle, so she can hydrate.
Who else is getting kicked out? Dan and Jon! There are only four left in Blue. Wait, three: Ray sticks his finger into the risotto to test it, right in front of Ramsay. So it's down to three, no -- two, no one: Zach. Wait, Zach has left the kitchen to go puke. He even throws up in the talking-head portion.
He eventually pulls himself together and gets back into the kitchen, with Ramsay assisting. The booted chefs are complaining about the totally unfair reasons they've been kicked out. Danielle continues to whine about having never worked in a brigade system before, and finds zero sympathy from the others. She amusingly demands a show of hands to see who here has worked in a brigade system before, and almost everyone has. It doesn't seem to be the result she was expecting.
Meanwhile, Team Red and Team Zach are finishing up dinner service. "Chef Zach is the man tonight!" proclaims Chef Zach. That's great, but if this cooking thing doesn't work out, he could probably join TV on the Radio.
At the debriefing, Ramsay tells them it was a difficult service. Can't have been that difficult to choose the winners, which is obviously Red, but he praises Zach's commitment. Blue's got to pick two for elimination. Zach -- not at all letting things go to his head -- pronounces the guilty parties will be "penalized to the utmost." During deliberations, Zach and Jeremy argue with other, Jeremy under the impression that the only reason his name is being bounced around for elimination because he couldn't repeat an order back to Ramsay. Jeremy's all bluster and mouth, that's for sure, and complains that Zach just threw him under a bus. I'd be a little more convinced if Jeremy, you know, KNEW WHAT CUT OF MEAT HE USED FOR HIS SIGNATURE DISH.
And when they reassemble in the dining room, Zach announces Jeremy is the first nominee, because making a mistake is one thing, but arrogance and refusal to listen to corrections are big problems. Jeremy only admits to being frustrated and lashing out, which doesn't placate Ramsay.
| Season 11 | Episode 1/2 | Aired on 03.12.2013
The second nominee is Sebastian, because there's a time and a place to play, and there's no need for the "Zachy-Wacky" stuff when they're trying to be serious. Ramsay asks Sebastian why he came here to screw around. Sebastian acknowledges that his attitude is something he needs to correct. Ramsay asks Jeremy why he should stay, and Jeremy talks about striving to get better, and then doesn't make his case any better when he starts mildly arguing with Ramsay over whether he was arguing.
But Ramsay demands Sebastian's jacket. "It's a kitchen, not a place for comedians," Ramsay tells us. Showing he learned his lesson, Sebastian tells us, Hell's Kitchen is "no joke." The teams file out. Nedra hopes to have a chance to kick Gina out, and plans to use four votes (two hands and her two massive breasts) to do so. Zach says he can't keep carrying the team on his back. Seems to me he just barely survived, but he appears to be under the illusion he led Blue to victory. Ramsay tells us Sebastian tried to be funny, but it was his cooking that was the joke. Well, to be fair, how was Sebastian expected to know he'd have to cook risotto on this show?
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. New rule: If Ramsay asks you what you made for your signature dish, and you DON'T KNOW, you go home. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.