Day 12 of this foolishness.
So remember how chilling the Scythe was in the last scenes of the last episode, where he moved with a preternaturally predatory grace and then took off his helmet to reveal an incongruously young face?
That effect lasts until the 1:35 mark in this episode, when The Scythe is revealed to be a petulant brat. He checks in with Ilaria and finds out that he only has two items on the to-do list: Nab the virus and cure, then bring back Hatake alive. (There is actually a third item – "terminate all other personnel" – but one suspects the Scythe would do that whether or not he was asked to.)
Down in "Montana," Sarah and Alan zzzzzzzzz. These two are useless. Let's move on. Julia is checking out Hatake's rapidly-healing wounds as he frets about Miksa's safety. Speaking of: Miksa is back and after someone asks, "Did you find the others?" the look on his face is, "I really wish I hadn't."
scene, where we see that oh my gosh, Peter is TINY. Like he's basically a very muscular hobbit to Alan. And this hobbit is a little worked up seeing all the bits and pieces of his former colleagues, so let's just assume that other emotional reunions and conversations – such as, "Hey, brother, I know we have our issues, but thanks" or "Hi, Julia, sorry about the disturbing analogue to rape in the shower. We good?" or "Oh my God, I was the missing link leading an army and now I'm back to be a crossfitting hobbit. WHY DID YOU CURE ME?" – let's just assume those happened some other time.
Down in Montana, Julia and Sarah have a girl-to-girl chat that can be summed up as "Hooray, immortality!" It is an odd stance to take, especially for Julia since she ran into the lunatic who said flat-out that immortality was just an endless series of losses, but on the plus side, we do find out Hatake was originally born in 1501.
Hey, it's Balleseros! He's bossing around Anana's village and they're fine with that, since his evacuation/evasion strategies are likely to keep them from getting killed. Tulok is not thrilled with how everyone falls into line, but Anana swoons, "He's a born leader with tactical skills we need." Tulok notes, "I don't think it's his tactics you're admiring." Anana gets defensive because, you guys, she can totally fix him.
Back at the base, Miksa sees the Scythe and his lady-flunkies go tromping across his screen. Big, big, HUGE mistake to take off the helmet. They could have just gone with a much more physically graceful actor/stuntperson and kept the audience much more terrified by remembering that the faceless monster is really an angel-faced boy. Instead, we have Dorko Malfoy clomping all over the security feeds. Hatake gives us background on this eleventh-hour villain, but it's really not relevant to anything and the whole point to the scene is to see that the Scythe and his two backup ladies are watching Miksa, Hatake and Alan via another security feed. Also, we learn that there's someone in a cryo chamber, and that the Scythe is Sutton's son. Which is no surprise, really, as "batshit homicidal maniac" is transmitted on the x-chromosome.
And now, one of the most forehead-smacking moments in a series that is, arguably, one endless series of "Huh?" moments: Hatake – who knows that the Ilaria Corporation can hijack the base at any point and had done so under Sutter, and who knows that the Scythe is a homicidal maniac – decides to hold a conversation under a security camera wherein he reveals that Narvik is still on the base, as is the cure. And then Alan is all, "Great! Let me stand under this security camera, because 12 days of oppressive security measures and the knowledge that a shady corporation run by immortals can bork any system is NOTHING in the face of my need to tell all the non-white, non-male people in this room what to do." Ugh. I hate everyone right now. Even Julia and Miksa, because they're just standing there all, "Hurp durp, no way that people who broke into the base won't be watching our every move."
Tulok and Balleseros have the "Stay away from my sister" conversation, where Tulok actually name-checks the "I can change him!" sentiment. I feel so vindicated!
Oh, phew – it turns out Alan and Hatake were planning on having the Scythe and the Scythettes eavesdrop all along. I'm guessing that Hatake has known Dorko Malfoy long enough to know that he's not terribly bright (or that he's arrogant), so he was like, "Guys! We can totally prank this kid." Anyway, we learn about Alan's clever tactic in one of the more bizarre one-on-one conversations this show has fostered, one between Miksa and Julia. The latter would like to consider the former a sibling. Miksa delivers a curt burn with, "I already have [a sister]."
Oh, wait … it turns out that it's Alan who thinks the centuries-old Scythe is an idiot, while Hatake is all, "No, wait, he's had a few hundred years to learn a few things." Of course Alan's not going to listen to Hatake. Why start now? Hatake elegantly insults Alan: "I've met many men like you. They are only able to see what is happening now, not what is coming over the horizon." Alan does not take well to being told he's not that special by an ageless know-it-all.
Hatake mentions that he's labored over many lifetimes to give humanity "the greatest gift" and Alan starts posturing over how immortality is not his gift to give. So Hatake is all, "No, you idiot, I meant a universal cure and freedom from disease and suffering." (Oh, Hatake, you sweet idealist. Don't you know the anti-vaxxer crew would turn down any cure?) Alan is all, "Look, maybe disease is what keeps us sane, if Gunnar and Sutton are examples of what physically healthy immortality is," but before the debate can proceed, a biohazard klaxon rings. This is evidently an agreed-upon distraction, and now the Bickersons are free to go retrieve the Narvik virus. Or "go retrieve the virus," since they're apparently aware of being watched.
Alan and Hatake head outside to retrieve a canister and are promptly apprehended by a Scythette and the Scythe.
The minute he opens his mouth, The Scythe turns into Dorko Malfoy, and boy is he in full gaucherie here. Pouting lines like, "You will answer to the board for my mother!" and "You will hand over the virus!" and … they just land in the snow with a thud, quite possibly because Hiroyuki Sanada is pretty much acting everyone else off the screen just by standing still. Then Hatake manages to wipe out one of the Scythettes in a pre-made snow trap.
There's a meetup in one of the corridors, where the vote is 3-1 to hide and wait out the Scythe. Alan is the only one dissenting with Hatake, Miksa and Julia. Of course he is.
Dorko Malfoy and his remaining Scythette name-check the Willis Hypothesis without bothering to explain what it is, and they review the Sutton choke-out tape for clues as to why she walked into her death. This is how they realize that Hatake has a daughter, but they're not sure who it is.
And now, Alan, Hatake, Miksa and Julia are trapped in an elevator. Of course they are. The lights go out and they sit in darkness.
Sarah's just hidden the virus in a security-coded refrigerator. She and Peter then have a conversation whereergfhjdltuyhrsdfgszxxzzzzzzz. Sorry – I dozed off again. Even upon gaining immortality, Sarah is incredibly dull.
The lights kick on in the elevator again as it reboots … and Julia is missing. Naturally, Alan and Hatake differ on how best to handle a situation in which a centuries-old psychopath is holding the world's walking cure-all hostage. Naturally, Alan discounts the advice of the 500-year-old man who may actually know a thing or two about handling Dorko Malfoy.
Then the first creepy thing in the episode happens: An empty biohazard container comes rattling down the stairs into the "Montana" living room. Alan picks it up, opens it and pulls out a bloodstained piece of paper. He reads, "To the trainer Hiroshi …" then hands over the paper. Then Alan realizes why the paper's so bloody – because it was wrapped around a woman's severed finger.
Alan has something of an anxiety attack. Hatake gets up from the couch, obviously intending to go kick some ass, but he runs into the human wall known as Miksa, who tells him, "You once told me that to react in anger is to act against yourself." Hatake's all, "Wait until you have a family of your own –" and Miksa is all, "So what am I, chopped liver?" Hatake sighs all, "Point TAKEN," and Miksa glares for a bit. Anyway, we finally find out what's in the note – "She has nine more fingers, but I only have one more mother. Proceed directly to Isolation. The longer you wait, the less of your daughter will be left."
Am I the only jerk here who assumes that Julia can just re-grow her fingers?
And now, the scene where Anana expresses her feelings through shouting and throwing snowballs at Tulok, because she has never had a feeling that did not need to be expressed forcefully and at great volume. She is p-i-s-s-e-d that Tulok told Balleseros to back off, because evidently Balleseros has backed off several hundred miles into an unknown location.
Down in "Montana," Miksa shares his new plan: Divert the halothane gas in the venting ducts to knock out the Scythe and Scythette. Where was this plan when it was vectors scrambling through the ducts? Speaking of … Peter volunteers to scramble around in there manually closing vents, on account of how well he knows the network. Oh, attempt at dark humor, you are adorable.
On the way up the stairs to launch into this idiot venture, Miksa decides to air out his sibling jealousy issues with Hatake, who is all, " … Five hundred years and nobody gets me. I need to steal more children and start over." Kidding! We're never going to find out why those children were stolen.
Then he pulls himself together and says, "You've been a good son. I wish I could have been a better father."
When Julia comes to in the isolation chamber, she notices that she's down a figure and up an explosive collar that can go off at any moment. Dorko Malfoy snots, "Your father? He's quite fond of separating people from their heads. I figured I'd return the favor."
Sarah attempts to talk to Miksasdfdgdzzzzzzzzzz.
Peter and Alan are up in the ductwork, rehashing unhappy childhood memories, when Alan finds the Julia collage that Peter pasted to the inside of a vent when he was in the throes of infection. Peter shrugs, "I was, uh, infected. I don't remember this." Alan cocks an eyebrow and the moment gets awkward.
Meanwhile, down in "Montana," both Miksa and the virus vials are now missing.
Cut to Miksa walking right up to a security camera, pulling the containers into clear view, and saying, "I have what you want." He is admirably direct.
More Alan and Peter bickering. They do manage to open a vent, the better to release the halothane gas, and we see Hatake pause and look contemplative, but it's not clear whether he actually follows through on the halothane.
The scene has Hatake walking in and greeting Dorko Malfoy. He says, "Let Julia go, and you can do with me as you please. I will not fight you." Dorko monologues just like his late mother. Hatake still manages to retain some dignity in the face of this ridiculousness, even as he drops to his knees on Dorko's orders to beg for Julia's life. "Please, let my daughter live."
Alas, Dorko Malfoy has other plans. In one isolation chamber stands the collared Julia. And in the other, a similarly-collared Miksa. "What I want is for you to make a choice. One lives and one dies, it's completely up to you," Dorko Malfoy says. Hatake says he refuses to choose, and Dorko Malfoy gets pissy, launches everyone's timers and says that if Hatake doesn't choose, he'll kill them both. Hatake still refuses to choose.
Miksa says, "Stop! You don't have to choose. There is no decision to make. I love Father, I always will, and I forgive you." And then he sets off the collar himself. We see Miksa's headless body slump to the ground.
Dorko Malfoy is a little surprised by this, and Hatake takes that moment to give into his rage and tackle him. And then the brothers Farragut come in, and Alan takes a crowbar to Dorko Malfoy to make sure he won't get up, while Hatake lunges for the doohickey that turns off Julia's collar. Then he flings himself at the blood-spattered window to look down at Miksa's body and sob, "Daniel."
Dorko Malfoy quips, "Doesn't it make you feel powerful?" and Alan says incredulously, "No! But this does!" and whangs the snotty little immortal right in the talk-hole with a crowbar. But before anyone can bathe in the warm glow of relief and/or sadness, a feed pops up on the security cameras and we see the last Scythette opening up a cryochamber we saw earlier. Julia gasps, "Mom?" and that's the episode.
RIP, Miksa. You deserved better from these toolboxes who will not even bother to mourn you before they move on to the Julia-centric drama.
Lisa Schmeiser is an Oakland-adjacent reporter, editor and blogger. She regularly tweets here, blathers about comics here, and posts the oddball personal piece of writing here.