Okay, who was the marketing genius behind a double-whammy Grosse Pointe weekend? An episode on Friday night, another episode tonight...um, you know, I actually DO have a life, here. You think I WANT to spend my Sunday morning drinking Coke and eating leftover potato chips as I'm forced to sit in front of my computer and fondle the remote control? I mean, I like the show and all, but COME ON. I can tell you right now, I'm gonna take my own sweet time getting out the recap for tonight's show. One show per day. That's my limit. I mean it.
Okay...you know those WB promos where "Oh What a Night" plays as the nubile young thangs that grace the WB programming roster dance around and look all sexy an' stuff? Well, Buffy's in the middle of doing hers. The Barracuda comes up to some harried producer-type woman and bitches that the GP cast was supposed to go first. She listens as the woman tells her that they put SMG first because they had to get her back to BtVS. Hunter's disgusted with this response and shakes her hair extensions in wild abandon. Okay, so she doesn't do that, but I figured I had to mention the hair extensions because, well, they look pretty damn retarded.
Barracuda clip-clops over to Schmarce and says, "Crossover bitch," obviously referring to SMG. "If it weren't for me, she'd never even have a career." Schmarce looks as though she's heard this particular line of conversation before. As Hunter goes on to claim that BtVS was offered to her first but she turned it down because she didn't think it was a viable show idea, thus giving SMG her big break and relegating the Barracuda to the back-row ranks of B-list TV actresses with inflated egos and fragile self-esteems. Schmarce is all, "Whatever, psychobitch." "Oh, please," sneers Hunter, "look at those hair extensions." Schmarce sneaks a glance at Hunter. "Look. At. Yours," she says in a tone that suggests that not only are she and Hunter no longer friends, but also that Schmarce has taken a dip in the pool of enlightenment and now knows Hunter's true nature.
SMG wraps her segment and walks over to Hunter and Schmarce. "Oh my God, here she comes," spits Hunter. "Don't be nice." SMG comes up and what comes out of Hunter's mouth but, "Hi Sare." Yes. She says, "Sare." Like, she and SMG are such good buds that Hunter's in the group of people allowed to shorten SMG's name to one syllable. I don't think so. Turns out that Hunter needn't have worried about how nice or not she should be to SMG, because all of Buffy's attentions are centered on Schmarce. "I just wanted to tell you that...you're my hero," she shimmers at Schmarce. Yes. SMG actually shimmers. It would seem that SMG and Schmarce are in the same Ashtanga yoga class, and that SMG admires Schmarce's flexibility. I just bet she does. Hunter tries grabbing some SMG adoration for herself, only to be given the cold Buffy shoulder. Schmarce and SMG retreat to a couple of director's chairs to discuss their yoga class, bending over backwards, and the non-humanness of some Sri Lankan guy in the back row while the Barracuda stands nearby and wonders if there are any small woodland creatures around that she can torture in order to ease her pain.
After commercial, we learn that Rob's suffering from a severe case of writer's block. Kevin, whose job pretty much consists of running around like an idiot and trying to get actors to the set on time, steps up and suggests a Vertigo-inspired storyline involving Kim. He excitedly tells Rob the entire Vertigo plot as Rob looks decidedly disinterested. "You could do the same thing with Kim and Lynne on Grosse Pointe." "Yeah, yeah," Rob snidely remarks. "Maybe that worked in the fifties. Go grab me a turkey burger, will ya?" As Kev dejectedly walks away, Rob starts furiously typing.
And what do you think happens ? If you guessed, "Oh, I don't know, Brad and Lynne have a scene where Brad tries to get Lynne to look just like Kim and she puts on this red wig and they make out and Kevin sees the scene and gets really pissed at Rob for using his idea and then taking credit for it," well, then you'd be right on the money.
After the scene's over, Clueless is totally pissed that he's still kissing Marcy after all these years. He'd thought that with Kim dying and all, he'd get a chance to lock lips with someone else for a change. "Come on, man!" Johnny attacks Rob. "Can't you come up with something new?" "This storyline is in fact inspired by one of my all-time favorite movies: Alfred Hitchcock's Vertigo." Johnny, whose film-watching repertoire includes the entire Rambo series and anything with lots of gratuitous nudity, doesn't know what the hell he's talking about, and storms off. Kev, who's been standing nearby, just looks at Rob in disbelief. "Huh," says Rob. "It's no wonder Hitch called 'em sheep. Hey Kev, grab me a cappuccino, will ya?" It would appear that besides running around like an idiot and actor-wrangling, a major part of Kevin's job is to keep food and beverages constantly streaming into Rob's mouth. Kevin runs into Dave on the way to the cappuccino and says, "I can't believe Rob had the audacity to take credit for my Vertigo idea." "Good Lord, dude," says Dave. "Writers are like bloodsuckers." Then he walks away as Kev says, "Right on. And I just gave a pint." The hell? Dave says "Good Lord"? Since when the hell would he say something like that? Maybe this isn't really Dave at all. Maybe it's a pod person, here to infiltrate the human race with its alien seed. Maybe I should stop drinking all this Coke, I think it's making me crazy.
Kev gets a phone call from Quentin, which interrupts his Rob Rage. Hairless informs Kev that he and Coco, who's sitting beside him in his Rover, will be there in approximately twenty minutes. Kev tells him to hurry up. Hairless responds that everyone should chill because they had a mall to open, and that takes time. "Lotta fans to meet. Lotta boobies to sign." Coco rolls her eyes at him as Q ends the call. "I told you we'd be late! Why'd you have to try on all those Gap tees?" she shouts at him. "No two larges are alike," Q responds. Word. It's a well-known fact that you can gather up eight pairs of Gap pants, all the same size, lock yourself into the dressing room, and not find a single pair that fits properly, let alone two pairs that actually fit the SAME. During one particular Gap shopping experience, the sizes in my dressing room ranged from small to extra-large for the t-shirts and from six to nine in the pants. I'm a six, people. I have been a six for about a year. Try telling that to the Gap. Goddamn fleece-wearing, khaki-sporting, "Hi, how are you?"-spouting-as-soon-as-you-walk-in-the-goddamn-door, bad-size having BASTARDS.
Anyway, Hairless looks directly at the spazzing-off Coco and tells her to relax, that he'll get her there. Unfortunately, when he's looking at her directly, he's NOT looking at the road, as Coco's scream of "QUENTIN LOOK OUT!" informs us. Hairless has hit a sweet little old lady. Well, we don't know yet if she's sweet or not, but she's definitely old. Hairless claims that he didn't hit her, she hit him, jumping out at him like a jackrabbit. Yeah, octogenarians are known for their speed and agility. Coco yells at Hairless to help the lady, but since the lady in question has neither large breasts nor a propensity for taking off her clothes, Q isn't really all that interested. Coco forces him to get out of the car anyway, and they both rush to the woman's aid. "Did you see what happened?" the woman says, her dark glasses askew. "I was crossing the street when some car came out of the blue and just ran me right over!" Quentin can't believe his good fortune -- old AND blind? Ehhhxcellent. He fixes her glasses and says, "That's horrible." Wow, Quentin. I knew you were a sleaze, but a lying sleaze? Say hello to the plankton, Q, you've sunk to an all-time-low.
Cut to Kevin entering the soundstage with Joan the Scary Network Executive in tow. He walks over to Rob and hands him his triple tall latte. Joan tells Rob that she loves the Vertigo twist, that it's the perfect solution. She then says that they have a new mantra at the WB. "Oh, please don't say 'reality,'" Rob says, wincing. "Stunt casting," Joan informs him, handing him a sheet with the names of all the stars they'd like to see make an appearance on Grosse Pointe. "And the donuts are...?" she queries. Rob points her in the direction of the food area, and she walks away. Kevin, who once again has been lurking nearby, approaches Rob and starts to talk to him about this whole Vertigo storyline-stealing thing that Rob's done, but Rob cuts him off by reading from the list of celebrities. "Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz, Julia Roberts...are they insane?" he says, laughing. "Um, not Julia, from what I hear," stutters Kevin. Heh. "Okay, yeah, Madonna?" Rob continues. "I'm sure she'd love to guest star on Grosse Pointe." "Yeah, right," says Kevin, chortling stupidly. "She's the new home-ec teacher who teaches the girls how to make bras out of ice cream cones." Rob glares at him. "Thanks, Kevin. That's just what I need right now." Rob goes on to say that you need to be friends with celebrities like these in order to pull in favors. And this is where Kevin opens his big fucking mouth yet again. "Marcy does yoga with Sarah Michelle Gellar," he unwisely states. "You serious?" says Rob as he gets that look on his face again, the look that says he's up to absolutely no good and requires some carbo-laden nourishment to facilitate his evil plan. "Go get me a cranberry muffin," he instructs Kevin, pursing his lips in heinous concentration.