Look. I realize I should have had this goddamn recap done ages ago, but it was the goddamn holidays and then my goddamn computer busted and then my goddamn cell phone got turned off, which I realize has NOTHING to do with the recap, but it still pisses me off, and then Hank4 and Sandman had the goddamn nerve to give me a goddamn DVD player for Christmas and my ass has been permanently tattooed to the sofa for days.
I even finished this bloody thing on Tuesday night and then, because my brain had apparently left the building, accidentally LOST SEVENTY-FIVE PERCENT OF THE WORK I HAD DONE. Hello? Do I or do I NOT work for a goddamn Internet company? You'd think I'd figure out fucking Microsoft Outlook.
All this and I'M NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO DRINK. Hank4 and I have made a pact to see if we could get through the ENTIRE month of January without drinking.
Let's just say there's an emergency six-pack of Amstel Light in the fridge AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT.
That being said...
As the show starts, some lackey cracks the marker and the scene begins. Becky and Stone are driving along in a car with Becky draped around Stone's neck. Stone asks Becky if she's tired, and Becky says she's just thinking about their future together and how glad she is that she decided not to go to Oslo. "I have my muse and his name is Stone Anders." Oh, please. "This day started out so bad," says Stone. "First, I fail a drug test. Then...a math test --"
Stone gets cut off at this point by the incongruous event of Becky farting. And this is no minor-league pooter, people. She actually lifts one cheek up off the seat and lets rip with a home run of an ass-blaster that would make a pro wrestler proud. I'm guessing this is NOT part of the scene because Quentin can barely breathe, let alone concentrate on his lines. He's practically gasping for air and begging for a gas mask when he delivers his line, "But getting you back makes everything right again."
"CUT!" yells the director. Quentin hurriedly rolls the window down. "I think Hunter just did!" Heh.
Hunter pretends that she doesn't know what Quentin is talking about. "What're you talking about?" Clever. "That A-bomb you just let loose," wheezes Quentin, dreaming of pine-scented air fresheners. Q's last quip elicits many giggles from the cast and crew who are milling about. Hairless realizes that he's suddenly got an audience and continues down the offensive emissions road. "That's a whole lot of gas for such a little lady," Quentin says, relishing his new role as a bodily functions-centric comedian.
Hunter gets pissy with Hairless for using her accidental release to fuel his lame comedic moment and pulls angrily on his "hair." "Not the hair!" he shrieks. "What hair?" Hunter retorts. Hairless shoves Hunter away from him and Hunter, ever the opportunist, sees a chance for a little revenge. "You'll regret that!" she shouts. "I doubt that!" Q replies. Hunter looks around at the crew. "Ow!" she whines. "My rotator cuff!"
(A small word on rotator cuff injuries: My mother has one and they're no laughing matter. She has a torn rotator cuff and she got hers from FALLING DOWN A FLIGHT OF FUCKING STAIRS. A small shove in the shoulder by a man who could probably get his ass kicked by a kindergarten bully does not a rotator cuff injury make, dear Hunter. A bruised ego is much more likely -- but then, bruised egos aren't exactly profitable, now are they?)
Credits, baby. On to the credits.
The day, Hunter and Rob are walking out of the soundstage, and Hunter's getting all pissy with Rob about Hairless. Methinks this episode is going to be a "Hunter's getting all pissy with everybody" episode. I can feel it in my toes. Or my ass. Or maybe it's just somewhere deep down in my soul. Or something like that.
It would seem that Hunter's tired of being the show's personal punching bag. "Quentin practically assaulted me," she bitches. Rob responds that maybe Quentin overreacted but that Hunter should really keep her hands off of Hairless's, erm, "hair." Hunter says that she can't trust Hairless anymore and that he's a freak. "He needs to be put on medication," she spits. "I think he already is," Rob grumbles. Then Rob tells Hunter that she and Hairless are just going to have to learn to get along. Hunter stamps her Prada slingback in fury and states that she'll just have to take matters into her own hands. The power of her threat is diminished greatly when Dickless races by on a scooter and makes a really loud farting noise with his mouth. Rob moves off as Hunter considers moving to Siberia, where people fart all the time, but the distances between them are so great that no one's around to hear it.
Elsewhere on the lot, Schmarcy skitters up to Rob in a panic. "Are you breaking up me and Johnny?" she freaks. "I mean, 'Kim' and 'Brad'? You promised you wouldn't." God. Rob replies that he's just bringing in the Dustin character to spice things up a bit. Schmarce argues that Kim is a one-man woman, and that it might not be a good idea to mess with that at the moment. Oh, what-fucking-ever on this repulsive storyline. Can we drop it? Please? When-oh-when is Schmarce gonna end this pathetic obsession with a man who never passes a mirror without cocking an eyebrow and going, "Hey there beautiful, how's it hangin'?" I swear my poor television will simply not stand for any more rotten eggs being thrown at it in frustration at this crap-ass Schmarce story.