All right, people, listen up. Your regular recapper, Regina, couldn't be with us today. I am your substitute recapper, Gwen. Please comport yourselves as you know Regina would want you to while she's out having her VCR exorcised. Thank you.
In his office, Rob's asking an older, cheaper woman if she's ready to read. She's wearing a tight salmon-pink t-shirt, matching snake-print pants, and a FUCKED UP fake pearl choker with some big black cameo thing hot-glued in the middle. She's ready. She stands, turning her back to Rob to mentally prepare herself. Turning back around, she says in a sultry, old-school-bombshell way, "Knock, knock. It's time to lock up. Sorry." Rob jumps up, says "Great!" and thanks her for coming in.
Out in the hall full of other auditioners, Hunter runs up in a nasty red tank top and asks the woman how she did. Pearl Necklace says she nailed it. "Great, Mom!" squeals Hunter. Then her mother reconsiders, wondering if she was too heavy on the "knock, knock." Hunter goes into Rob's office to find out.
Rob says Hunter's mom is too hot to play a custodian. Hunter tells him to schedule her at six AM, when she won't be hot. Rob isn't convinced. Hunter busts out the tears. "Please, Rob" she quavers. "She's all I have." Yeah, that and your grody necklace from Avon. What -- is it genetic?
Back in the hall, Hunter quickly wipes her eyes before informing her mom that she got the part. "If I can stay sober for ninety days, I can do anything!" Mommie Skankiest avers. The two of them clasp hands joyfully.
After the credits, Dave and Johnny dig in at the craft services cart. Tori2 runs up and asks Johnny to guess who's hosting the WB Beach Party special. Johnny doesn't, uh, know. I'm having dj vu. Will there be sushi? Tori2 is hosting. She points out that she and Johnny will get to spend a whole day at the beach together. Johnny wants to know who else is going. Will there be karaoke? Tori2 informs us all that Johnny and Courtney will play volleyball against "the girls from Popular." Johnny's indignant over the idea of himself "playing against chicks." Dave shows him the silver lining, saying, "In bikinis!" He's wearing a flesh-colored undershirt and also showing us what he's been doing at the gym lately. The guys high-five each other as Tori2 smiles in her cropped "Spirit of '76" top that's a little too Schoolhouse Rocky for me. Oh, hey, speaking of -- here's a little ditty for Tori2, sung to the tune of "The Nervous System":
Hunter and her mother strut into the room, in blue camouflage and see-through black respectively. Hunter's mom stops Rob to shake his hand and tell him, "Mr. Fields, your script is so brilliant. I'm amazed that a heterosexual man such as yourself has such an innate understanding of the female psyche." Rob thanks her, remarking that he loves women. Hunter hauls her mom to the reading table.
Quentin joins Dave and Johnny, asking who the "slam piece" is. Johnny informs him that it's Hunter's mom. "No way. She's a babe," says Quentin, who's kept his hand in his belt-buckle area throughout this exchange as if he's holding back a tiny monster.
At the table, Courtney and Tori2 compliment Hunter's mom. Hunter happily explains the deal they made -- her mother stayed sober for ninety days, so Hunter got her the part. Courtney says that sometimes all a person needs is a goal. "My brother Lance got sober when Dad said he'd pay for him to get his teeth capped," she confides. Hunter doesn't care. She tells her friends that her mother's an aesthetician. Courtney asks Tori2 what an aesthetician is. "Oh, she waxes unwanted and unsightly hair," Tori2 helpfully explains.
Rob calls everyone to attention and tells them all that Hope has left to "pursue other opportunities." Eyebrows rise all around, but no one seems curious or anything. "Which one was Hope?" a mature, conservatively dressed woman asks Johnny. "The dykey lady who followed Rob around," he says. At least, I think that's what he says. That's it for Hope, then. I'm guessing last week's cleavage was too little, too late? Or was it a blaze of glory, maybe? Rob introduces Johnny's companion as Lila Van Guilden, who will play the part of Ms. Gander, the substitute teacher. Quentin seems disappointed, but joins in the polite applause. Then Rob announces the "very special guest, Helena Sarkissien, also known as Hunter's mom, who will be playing Custodian MacGraw." Everyone claps and hoots for Helena, who is wearing another funky necklace. This one has long, dangly silver things. I wonder if maybe it's meant to distract us from her neck. Yes, my eye is drawn to her cleavage, just like it's supposed to be. It works in the same way that a colorful neckerchief draws attention from a large woman's body and up to her pretty face. Let us never forget the Optical Illusion Dressing Philosophy we learned in the eighties.
Ms. Van Guilden and Quentin read through their scene, in which Substitute Teacher Gander tries to seduce Stone. Rob prompts the teacher to remove her jacket. Van Guilden's a perfectly nice-looking woman, but her bosom has less volume than that of Helena the Slam Piece, and her hair has less shag and fewer highlights. Because of this, Johnny and Dave giggle like fourteen-year-olds. Rob reads up to the almost-kiss between Teacher and Stone, and the subsequent knock at the door. Dave and Johnny gesture lewdly. "Knock, knock," recites Helena. Hunter mouths the rest of the part along with her, proud of her mom.