In honor of the 200th episode of the series (and the hospital desperately needing money), the Board throws a gala fundraiser with a circus theme. None of the docs really want to go, but Jackson tells them that the department that earns the most money gets 10% of the take, so it becomes a grand competition. At the same time, it becomes the first opportunity to test out Cristina's "let's date other people" terrible idea when a pretty girl starts flirting with Owen, and Cristina's charming of a rich dude proves incredibly successful. The pretty girl flirting with Owen turns out to be a doc from Seattle Pres, who is trying to steal a couple of donors for herself but she winds up with a big old crush on Owen and he seems charmed by her awkward ways. At the end of the night Cristina gets a check and a proposition from her rich dude, but she laughs off the second part while gleefully taking his money. She then goes to ask Owen for a drink, but Lady Doc has shown up to ask him out herself and Cristina reluctantly steps aside so that he can make a go of it.
Arizona arrives at the gala looking like a million bucks, but when Callie sees her, the gaze she gives her wife is so icy that Arizona flees to the hospital where she can cry in a supply closet while Callie tries to ply money out of people by pretending that Arizona is dead. April runs back to the hospital for something and finds Arizona, so eventually she comes back with a couple of bottles of champagne so that Arizona doesn't have to cry alone. They get drunk and have a really sweet bonding evening where Arizona admits how horrible she feels but how nice it was to have Lauren be so into her, and April kinda admits that she totally still has feelings for Jackson. Jackson, meanwhile, is running things at the event and until Princess mentions it to him, he has no idea that his girlfriend is seething because he didn't invite her. Princess is at the gala with Alex, who seemed to fall apart before their evening even started when some junkies were brought into the ER after a car accident, so she winds up being the one trying to solicit donations while Alex gets drunk. She later catches him trying to draw blood, and he admits that one of the junkies sounded a lot like his dad who he hasn't seen in 20 years, so he wants to do a paternity test. When the results come back, he starts to tell her that he doesn't want to know after all, but before he can say that she blurts out that it is, in fact, his deadbeat father.
Callie tells Cristina that Mere and Derek are both bored out of their minds at home, so they've started to turn everything into a competition. This means that they start doing the same thing at the gala, but Derek fights dirty and brings Lil' B over right when he is due for a feeding, so Mere has to go take care of that instead of flirting with donors. When Jackson gets up to give a speech and welcome everyone, one of the aerialists on stage to him suddenly loses her grip on one of her silks and begins to tumble to the floor. The party planner runs up to try and catch her and gets smooshed in the fall, while the performer winds up with her broken shin bone protruding through her leg. Mere happily goes back to the hospital and jumps in on a surgery, and when Derek finds her, he winds up assisting. Afterwards they reminisce about the last time there was a big dance at the hospital and Mere's panties wound up pinned to the wall, and then decide to stay and do a bit more work now that they are all older and functional and happy and all that stuff.
While all of those functional adults were at the party, the interns were left to run things and Smash and Steph are in charge of the ER. Steph keeps freaking out that the work is over their heads, but Smash tells her to take advantage of the situation since they will get to do things they normally wouldn't be allowed to handle on their own. He does a risky cardio procedure and then assists Cristina when she comes back to do a follow-up surgery, but is shocked when she compliments him on being a shark just like she used to be as an intern. He goes to check on Steph later and she admits that while she had been pissed to not go to the party, she is over the moon now that she got to do all sorts of cool things. The two are so pumped that Smash gets totally caught up and grabs her in a kiss, and of course Jackson walks in at that moment. She runs after Jackson and manages to convince him that she didn't want the kiss, and is shocked when Jackson forgives her and they move forward. He's probably just in a really good mood from all the money they made -- after the accident the party kind of died but he realized that he should just bring the potential donors over to witness the aerialist's surgery from the gallery to really impress the cash out of them. And it works!
Bailey is the only one who didn't go to the party and instead is spending a thankless evening dealing with an increasingly sick and angry Richard and a slightly racist, ornery, jerky patient who she just had to inform has cancer too advanced for treatment. When she tries to force a treatment on Richard he gets so agitated that he pushes her across the room in his effort to get her away from him while Mr. Offensive is the opposite, needling her that she's not doing enough to try and help him get better. She finally get sick of seeing her mentor give up while this other jerk keeps fighting when there's nothing left to do, so she decides to make them roommates so that they can drive each other nuts, but also maybe rub off on each other a little bit. And eventually, Mr. Offensive realizes that getting set up with end-of-life care might not be a bad thing, while Richard realizes that maybe he's being a little too rash and he should make a wee bit of effort to try and not die.
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This week, Grey's Anatomy is celebrating an impressive milestone. With this episode, one Ms. Lauren S will have written 146 recaps of the show. And so in honor of that, they are throwing a party…what's that? You think this big, flashy hour is celebrating Grey's 200th episode? That's more of a milestone, you say? Oh fine, whatever. Mere and Derek get all dolled up while Mere reminds us that surgery expensive and sometimes you've got to go raise some more dough. She then starts to quote The Muppet Show to remind us that her mind these days is filled with kid stuff, and it's starting to make her a bit crazy. They get ready to leave but first she has to help Zola get her shoes on since Zola won't do it for Derek.
Avery and Owen arrive at the party venue and Owen frets over the spotlights and red carpet, since the whole point is that they don't have money to spend so they are trying to get more. Avery assures Owen that he knows this world and that they need to charm serious people with serious money so this night will be sophisticated and conservative. When they walk in, however, they are both stunned to see a full, over-the-top, glamorous circus theme. Jackson immediately goes and grabs the party planner, who is in a yellow dress that looks like Tweety Bird decided to create his own interpretation of Michelle William's famous Oscar dress, to demand to know what she did. This is as if any organization (especially the Harper Avery Foundation, where Jackson presumably learned so much about this world) would ever throw a seriously high-level gala such as this and then leave it all to the party planner without seeing a single design plan or budget and then would only get to the venue as it was starting, with guests already in attendance. I guarantee that, like suggesting dating other people, this is not something that happens anywhere other than the teevee. Tweety, for her part, isn't troubled by his reaction at all and just says that hospitals make people think of death and disease, whereas this party should be sexy and fun and make them open their wallets. Jackson seems like he still doubts her a little bit.
Mere has stopped in at the hospital to check on Richard, and Bailey sounds desperate as she explains that he's basically wasting away and yet he refuses to do anything to help himself. Mere suggests that maybe they let him waste for a while, and Bailey gets all mad at her, assuming she's offended about what he said last week. The thing is, Mere heard every awful thing in the world from her mother, so she's pretty much offense-proof at this point but she suggests that Richard might need to hit rock bottom before coming back. She then leaves to go raise some funds; Bailey seems to think that Mere's ideas are all ridiculous and instead she orders some new treatment for Richard. I'm not sure what it is, but the nurse points out that Richard is going to hate it, about which Bailey gives exactly zero shits.
Since Bailey will be the only grownup at the hospital, the interns are going to be more or less in charge -- everyone, be really careful with cars, knives, pencils, baseball bats, illegal drugs, or anything else that might cause you to need to go to broke Sloan Grey Memorial. Leah is going to be in pediatrics and begs to trade places with Smash or Stephanie in the ER, but they both laugh her off. Well, Stephanie glares her off since she's mad that Jackson didn't invite her to the gala. Then April comes up and warns them to call an adult if they wind up in over their heads. Alex walks through, already in a tux for the party, and gives them some instructions for one of his patients. Just then Nicole leads in a team of paramedics with three guys who crashed a car into a tree while high, because my warning came too late for them. The one in the lead, "Jake Doe," as Nicole dubbed him, calls Alex "Sinatra" before passing out cold. Alex looks at his arm and realizes that they are on heroin, and looks more troubled and disgusted than usual at the group of them.
Mere arrives at the party and finds Cristina and Callie, and as they make conversation Callie tells Cristina that Mere and Derek are clearly bored while on leave and that all their pent-up surgical energy is making them turn everything into a competition. Mere denies it but then points out that she put on Zola's shoes that evening and the fever with which she tells the story shows that Callie is totally right. Cristina just looks sad and appalled at the spectacle in front of her, and Mere admits that she really needs to get back to work. Callie is in a decent mood but when she finds out Bailey isn't coming -- I guess when your main patient is the former Chief of Surgery, you aren't forced to leave him and go fundraise with the rest of the riff raff – she tries to leave immediately so that she doesn't have to be anywhere near her estranged wife. But Jackson runs by just at that moment and pauses long enough to say that the department that earns the most money will get 10% of the night's take. Mere realizes that this puts Derek at an advantage because he's good at schmoozing and on cue, Cristina points out that he is in fact literally juggling for a group of rich and obviously charmed potential donors.
One moneybags walks up to Callie, whom he recognized from her TED talk, and gushes about how starstruck he is. Callie is completely shocked but happy, at least until she looks up and sees Arizona looking super fine in a strapless gown across the room. Callie's face falls and Arizona sees it; her shoulders drop, and when Callie looks away she slinks out of the event. Callie has lost all track of what her fan is saying until he calls her an inspiration and adds, "If I lost my wife in a plane crash…" it takes Callie a moment to absorb what he said and he sees that and asks for confirmation that Callie's wife passed away. When Callie realizes that Arizona has gone, she grossly decides to go with it and tells the poor dude that it's been really hard for her.
Owen is regaling some rich dude with a crazy trauma story and seems to be doing well with the being charming and interesting, since the guy says he's going to drop off a donation. As he turns to go part with his money, a pretty woman named Emma emerges from behind and seems quite taken with Owen. They bond over the creepiness of clowns and she has the flirting ratcheted up to 11 already. Owen seems unsure about the whole thing but when he looks over and sees Cristina grab the hand of some guy in a tuxedo, Owen takes Emma to the bar to get a drink.
Derek walks up to Mere as her conversation ends with a donor and he accuses her of being all sparkly-eyed and flirting. Oh, the competition is ON then, and Mere snarks that he should just go back to juggling. Derek, King of Charm, warns her, "You just brought a knife to a gun fight."
April goes to the supply closet for the all-important champagne-cooling blankets and finds Arizona crying there, though she tries to pretend she's also just looking for supplies. April can't help but look pitying but she is kind enough to pretend she believes Arizona, and she then grabs what she needs and leaves. Once she's gone, though, Arizona breaks down.
Stephanie and Shane are going over all of the things that are very wrong with Jake Doe including the fact that he's at risk of everyone's favorite dramatic condition - cardiac tamponade. Alex pops in to check on his patient from earlier, who has been discharged, and then nonchalantly asks after the junkies. Smash assures him that the interns have it all under control, but Stephanie is teetering on the edge of a meltdown. Smash finally points out to her that they've been preparing for this all year, and she should enjoy that now they have a night to shine and put all of their newly acquired surgical skills to use. Stephanie is not so sure about that but eventually, when Shane challenges her, she starts screaming instructions out to everyone, as leaderly as she can. The staff is all just kind of surprised so Smash yells at them too and adds, "Lock and load!" He then grins that he's finally had the chance to live out a glorious clichéd medical moment like he's always dreamed.
Derek decides to take the competition to a whole new level by running across the street and picking up adorable Lil' B; when Mere sees him she's appalled at his shenanigans but there's not much she can do since, as Derek points out, the baby is hungry so she has to take him and deal with that.
Cristina is teaching a master class in flirting as she holds on to her rich dude's wrist and tells him all sorts of stuff about his health by just his pulse. She then compliments his watch but as the guy starts to tell a cool story about how his father came to own it, she sees Owen and Emma and cuts him off to go get a drink. She walks right up in between the two at the bar and after Owen introduces them she shoos Emma away to go check out the magician across the room. Emma is baffled but does it, and when she goes Cristina warns Owen that Emma's shoes are clearly from an outlet and he needs to pick a richer mark like an old lady clad in Chanel and standing nearby. Let's date others, indeed. As she takes her drink back to her own Richie Rich, Emma smiles at Owen from across the room in her discount footwear.
Callie is really starting to get into her dead wife story, and is giving a tragic recounting of the fake funeral and Sofia's fake reaction to Mommy not coming home again. April is tucking the champagne in under the cooling blankets and is thoroughly disgusted when she overhears what is going on. It seems to be working for Callie, though, as someone listens to her and then decides to make a donation. However, an older woman who was listening in comes over and commiserates with Callie since she is a widow as well, who has slept with her cat on the couch for ten years since she can't bear to be in her marital bed alone. Callie seems to maybe rethink widowhood, just for a moment, at this confession. April is so grossed out that she picks up two of the bottles of champers and leaves.
Gene has summoned Bailey back to his room and she finds him with a game of chess set up and ready to go because he thinks her mind is closed off and that the game will kick-start it so that she can figure out some cure for him. He then adds that he thought she'd want to play black because, "You know…" and when Bailey insists there is nothing they can do, he brings up Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King, Jr. and starts to bait Bailey by telling her, "You people are supposed to be tougher than this." It takes all of her self-control to tell him calmly that they are done, and she'll send up a counselor to talk to him. Gene finally loses his shit, guessing that she's giving up because he offends her. Bailey denies this but when she mentions his "moving on" he practically begins foaming at the mouth as he yells that he's not "moving on" or "passing away" or anything else gentle like that – he's going to die. He then yells at Bailey to get off of her ass and do something. Well, I know that racial slurs and yelling have always made me want to help someone, so this is surely a good plan on his part.
Sure enough, Jake Doe winds up needing a needle to the heart to drain fluids and Stephanie is in a complete panic that Smash wants to take care of it himself. She wants to call one of the docs but before she can do anything, Smash begins the procedure.
April arrives with the two bottles and plastic cups and while Arizona tells her she doesn't have to do this, April insists she doesn't mind and pours them drinks. Arizona finally admits that she can't stand the way people are staring at her, and when April tries to deny that it's happening Arizona basically laughs her off and points out that April is staring as much as anyone, and Arizona can tell just what she is thinking. April is curious what Arizona thinks that is, so Arizona finally says, "You know… Jesus!" April is completely exasperated that everyone thinks she can't empathize because she goes to church and insists that she can, all too well, with a "cheater." So she does still have conflicted feelings for Jackson, then. She realizes what she just said and apologizes, horrified that she called Arizona a cheater but Arizona sadly points out that it's true. Arizona then quietly adds that Lauren stared at her too, but in a way that felt good. When she asks April if she understands, April looks to be in almost physical pain because she knows this all too well. PSA: If you are painfully in love with one person, you probably shouldn't accept a proposal from another. Just a suggestion. A nugget for contemplation, if you will.
Owen wanders upstairs at the party where he finds Emma charming a group of donors with Owen's very own story, right down to his promise that he's got even more interesting ones that aren't appropriate for telling at this venue. Owen calls her on it and she admits that she's a doctor from Seattle Pres, and since her hospital won't take her advice to hold their own fundraising gala (is that the only way to get money in Seattle these days?) she decided to pop in and just borrow this one for a little while. Owen seems more charmed than annoyed, but then points out that he doesn't understand why she spent so much time talking to him if she was trying to get money. Oh, Owen. Have you really been out of the game that long? Emma reacts basically the same way I do and finally goes, "Look at you." Owen is shocked to his ginger roots that this cute discount-shoe-wearing lady might actually like him. Hmm, date other people, you say?
Alex makes his way back to the party, but just to sit at the bar and drink glumly while his girlfriend attempts to raise funds on his behalf. Cristina comes up and orders another whiskey soda, and when the bartender points out snidely that it's her fifth, she explains to Alex that she's not drinking but these are to ply the money out of Richie Rich. She's in her element and exclaims happily that this reminds her of when they would steal surgeries and play dirty as interns. Mere then walks up with a blue hospital hoodie zipped up over her gown to hide the spit-up that is now all over it. Cristina just shakes her head in pity that Mere is making the competition so easy. I feel like the old thrill of competition combined with Ms. Nine West is going to make a bored Cristina start to create some more competition of her own to spice things up -- we'll see if this instinct is correct or not as we move forward. (Dear Nine West: I totally wear and love your shoes. But I also don't have millions of dollars to fund a hospital. Love, Lauren.)
Callie is getting more and more fidgety as the widow talks about her late husband and is desperately thankful when Jackson gets up to give a welcome speech. As he's talking, the two aerialists on either side of the stage keep doing their graceful thing until one loses her grip and starts to gracefully tumble down along her silk to the ground far below. Tweety runs up underneath her, arms up as if to catch her, but just winds up smooshed and unconscious underneath. The doctors rush the stage as the performer stands up and while Callie calls to her that she needs to sit in case she is injured, the girl takes a step and calls out that she thinks she's okay. No sooner are the words out of her mouth than there is a nauseating snap and her bone protrudes out of her shin and stabs herself in the foot. Man, I managed to avoid that when it really happened during last year's NCAA tournament and the clip made its way all over the internet in its bloody glory, but I was staring right at the screen when this happened and I will say that knowing it was fake and suspecting something like that was coming didn't make it any easier. I then spent the commercial break stroking my cats, bringing my blood pressure down and calming my gag reflex at the visual.
While waiting for the ambulances, Callie sort of shoves the bone back into place -- I can't tell you any more than that since by this time I was intently staring at a fascinating spot on the wall and taking notes by sound. Cristina and Mere are attending to Tweety -- Cristina is thrilled that they all look like awesome badasses in front of the would-be donors -- when Cristina gets a panicked call from Stephanie about Smash going rogue. Cristina leaves to go take care of it and when she calls to Alex what is going on he seems overly invested in finding out which junkie is tamponading.
Having made it through a bottle of champagne each, Arizona and April are having a loopy good time in the closet. April is waxing poetic about someone who sees her for who she is and accepts what she's done, figuring that's everything, but Arizona isn't sure if she's talking about Jesus or Matthew. That's a very valid question, but it never gets answered because Leah reports to them, responding to a page, and the girls ask her to go to the party and pick up more booze and snacks. Leah is utterly offended that she'd be send on an errand -- at a party to which she was not invited, no less -- but the girls take no notice of her mood and thank her profusely. They then calm down long enough for Arizona to ask if April thinks that Callie will ever forgive her; without missing a beat April slurs that she probably won't seeing as how she's telling everyone at the party that Arizona is dead. For the millionth time, however, wouldn't there be people there that were actually aware of the crash and knew that Arizona was in fact very much alive? I guess it's no matter to Callie as long as she can squeeze dough out of the ones she cries to and can get some super passive-aggressive revenge at the same time.
Owen leaves to go to the hospital with Callie and her patient but when Jackson tries to leave too, Owen points out that he's still got money to raise, so he best get back to schmoozing. Mere then escorts Tweety to an ambulance but explains to the paramedic that she's not coming along since she's still on leave. Jackson then calls to her, saying they need all hands on deck. I can't tell at all if he means "in the OR" or "at the party" but either way, Mere stares longingly at the rig holding an unconscious patient who needs surgery and seems to be contemplating if she's just going to go along, already.
So whatever it was that Bailey ordered for Richard involves putting on some kind of oxygen-type mask with elaborate head straps. She arrives at his room to see him and a nurse engaged in an all-out wrestling match over whether or not he's going to put it on and I must say he really looks to death with sunken eyes and huge dark bags underneath. Bailey can't stand it and yells at Richard that she's got a jackass patient down the hall who is fighting like crazy for his life when there is nothing they can do, but here is Richard with a million options and he won't actually try any of them. Richard picks up a little device I know well from my own hospital stays, which is basically three plastic compartments with a ball at the bottom of each, and the balls go from lightest to heaviest. There's a flexible tube coming off of the bottom and you suck in your breath through that tube and try to lift all of the balls to the top of their respective compartments. The purpose of the exercise is to strengthen your lungs, and I can attest that it's quite hard at first if they've had any trauma but it really does work. While Bailey stares at him, pleading, he lifts it up as if he's going to use it but then heaves it across the room like a toddler having a tantrum. That pisses Bailey off to no end, so she grabs the mask and marches over to try and shove it onto his face. He finds enough strength to push her away, and she gets knocked into a chair. While she flexes her hand and regains her composure, he grimaces in pain from the effort of yelling and pushing, and she finally leaves.
Once Cristina and Smash are in the OR working, she tells him that he pulled off a pretty risky move, and while he defends that he had no choice she points out that he could have called earlier but he didn't and now here he is assisting her while Stephanie mans the ER. Smash continues to defend himself, not realizing that she's giving him a compliment until she points it out explicitly and calls him a shark, adding that all good surgeons are sharks who do whatever it takes to get what they want. She adds that sharks also don't apologize. An alarm starts to ring and Cristina tells Smash they can put the guy back on bypass which would undo everything they've done so far, but that way they can easily find what is bleeding. The other option is to just take a guess and put in a stitch and hope that it works. She asks Smash what she should do and he points out that sharks don't swim backwards (he also adds that if they do, they will die, but my extensive ten seconds of Google research doesn't uncover that little tidbit – if they stop swimming they will sink, but nowhere did that say that it would lead to death) (I guess unless one of them has a death wish like Mere after the ferry boat crash lo so many years ago and just decides to give up…), so away they go with the guesswork. What they don't see is a very worried Alex watching from above.
After a commercial break to add tension, Cristina finishes up while Alex stares intently at the monitor. Her stitch worked, they are awesome, and she then tells Smash, "That'll do, Sharkey. That'll do," as if he is prized, surgical, adorable talking livestock.
Jackson is doing a lot of wandering around, looking annoyed and/or confused at this party. He's puzzled by Leah stealing snacks, but doesn't stop her. Derek comes up looking for Mere and Jackson reports that she did actually go back to the hospital with the paramedics. Jackson then finds Princess and asks after Alex, but she's pissed because she has no idea where he is. She rants that Stephanie should be glad rather than mad that she wasn't invited because Princess would rather be at work blah blah blah grass is always greenercakes. Jackson is shocked to learn that Stephanie is mad, and even more shocked to hear that she bought a dress in hopes that he'd invite her to this little to-do. As has happened between couples forever, and will surely continue to be until the end of time, he's baffled because she didn't say anything, and Princess has to point out that it wouldn't have meant as much as if he had the idea on his own. This sounds ludicrous… and yet I've totally gotten annoyed at someone because of this before. I'm not proud of it, but there it is. Guys, we do occasionally wish you were mind readers. Also: if there is a black-tie event, assume that your lady wants to be invited. That's generally going to be a sound assumption. And if not, you still look great for asking and she'll correct you. The party has sort of imploded ever since the accident and Jackson is despairing as the attendees continue to leave in droves, but then he remembers that his hospital is right down the street and this gives him an idea.
Despite having said she was done working with him, when Gene calls for Bailey she shuffles over to his doorway to ask what's up. Gene finally softens a little and after mentioning that his buddies stopped inviting him to play chess at the park because he was an asshole, tells Bailey that he said a lot of what he did just to get a rise out of her. He then admits that he's scared and alone, as all good television curmudgeons are wont to do before an hour episode is over. Bailey just shakes her head like she can't handle any more of this patient nonsense.
Derek finds Mere happily slicing up Tweety in the OR, but she calls to him that he's better at charming donors so she's happy to let him have that job and she'll do this instead. Derek reminds her that they had a deal that both of them wouldn't work, so Mere just invites him to come down and hold the retractor for her. Instead of acting indignant, Derek giddily tells her he's going to go change. They really are two junkies who have been jonesing for a hit.
Arizona and April have reached the stage of their drinking that requires them to sit on the floor and prop themselves up with the shelving but both of them happily slur about how fun it was and how much they needed an evening like this. April, emboldened by drink, then asks Arizona excitedly if she can try on her leg. After a shocked moment, Arizona begins to laugh and they both almost slide completely to the floor in giggles.
Owen is assisting Callie in screwing the aerialist's leg back together and while she works she admits that the real widow wound up donating money, but Callie realizes what she did was kind of disgusting. Owen just agrees, and while he concedes that relationship problems aren't easy, he warns her that she needs to stop telling people that Arizona is dead. My only thought is, can that widow demand her check back if and when she finds out that Arizona is very much alive? No one seems too worried about it, though. At that moment, Jackson leads a lot of visitors in tuxedos into the gallery and begins to explain what the surgeons are doing. Apparently the woman's husband gave Jackson permission to bring everyone in since his wife believes that the show must go on, which is silly and yet I find it totally endearing. Jackson gets all sappy and corny by telling everyone that he showed them the circus earlier, but this is the real show, super sincere blah blah fixing people blah, and he just asks that they consider forking over some cash before they leave. Down below, Callie and Owen nod all sagely while they work over Jackson's inspirational words, and I have to take a deep breath from the laughing I did at just how remarkably cheeseball this all is. But of course, this makes the lead donor ask, "How much do you need?" because he is just so wowed by it all. Enough so that they can miraculously raise Callie's wife from the dead, sir.
Princess finds Alex in a darkened exam room with a needle poised on his arm, and cracks meanly that she usually has good radar for this kind of shit. Of course, drugs are a joke that Alex will never take lightly, but he does finally open up to her and admit that he suspects his dad might be Jake Doe, but he can't be sure since he hasn't seen the guy in 20 years. Something about the way he called Alex "Sinatra" struck a chord, so Alex is now thinking about doing a paternity test, hence the blood draw, though he adds that he doesn't want it to be him and he thought he could go the rest of his life very happily without seeing the guy again. Princess tells him that he should do it, because surely he will then find out that it's not his dad and then Alex's angst will be gone. She then lightly chastises him for not talking to her about it in the first place, as she begins to draw the blood for him. What Princess doesn't know, however, is that they don't cast James Remar in a role if he's just going to spend the better part of the hour as an unconscious, anonymous street junkie.
Post-surgery, Mere and Derek look as giddy as two interns who have just done it in an on-call room. In fact, Derek is reminiscing about the last big dance they had at the hospital, when Mere's panties wound up on a bulletin board. They both grin at the memory and start to flirt some more, and then he grabs her as if they might reenact some of their saucy days of yore.
Bailey has come up with a solution for both of her troublesome patients and that is… to make them roommates. Neither of them is especially thrilled to meet the other, but Gene at least cracks an inappropriate joke about how Richard looks like he's about to die. Bailey then hands Richard the brochures for the end-of-life care and tells them that since they are in the same boat, she thought they could be Death Buddies. Gene just cracks some more jokes while Richard tries to kill him with a sunken-eyed glare.
Smash finds Stephanie in the ER cleaning up a bunch of bloody blankets and when he asked her how things went, she acts down for only a moment before bursting out gleefully how awesome it was, and listing all the cool procedures she got to perform. She concedes that Smash was right, they are rock stars. Smash corrects that they are sharks, so she happily calls them "rock sharks" and Smash is so charmed and caught up in the moment that he grabs her in a kiss. It goes on for a couple of moments, and naturally Jackson walks in on them. They break apart, but no one says anything while Jackson looks back and forth and finally he just says, "Okay, then," and leaves. Stephanie finally finds her voice to call his name, and glares at Smash.
Cristina walks into the lobby in her scrubs to find Richie Rich waiting for her, and he hands over a check which, she notes delightedly, has many more zeroes on it than she was expecting. Richie grins at her, and then suggests they leave, presumably to go somewhere where they can unburden themselves of their clothing. Cristina is shocked, and though Richie insists that she was totally flirting for real (and she clearly fooled Owen into thinking that too), she tells him coyly (yet honestly) that it was truly all about the money. This doesn't deter him; he asks her if she feels bad at all and when she tells him no, he admits he finds that even hotter. She dances away and when he suggests she sleep with him for free, she just gaily waves the check at him as she leaves.
Stephanie grabs her own hoodie and runs over to the event venue with it on over her scrubs, giving her the look of being approximately 12 years old as she tries to beg forgiveness from her much older boyfriend. He cuts her off and pulls a Murtaugh, and that he figures this is just her way of getting back at him because she was mad he didn't invite her to the gala. She admits she was mad but then pleads that Smash kissed her out of nowhere, and she didn't want it. I mean, she didn't want to be rude and pull away immediately, it seems, but she so for reals didn't want it. After a moment, though, and much to her surprise, Jackson accepts her explanation. He then adds that the party was work and no one wanted to be there, and that in the future she has to actually use her words like a big girl if they are going to make the relationship work. After they stare a long time she whines once more that she didn't want Smash to kiss her, she wants Jackson to do it. So, he does.
Gene is gazing at the brochures and mocking the picture of a rabbit in a meadow but Richard finally mumbles that it could be worse, he could die right here and have the hospital be the last thing he sees. As they both realize that's a pretty crappy way to go, Gene finally concedes that the place has a pretty lawn, and if it's got to go it would be nice to do it outside. He then makes an inappropriate crack about the crappy hospital food while Richard picks up his Breathing Doothingy (that's the official name); he seems to steel himself and then raises the tube to his lips and takes in a difficult breath. Outside in the hall, Bailey struggles to keep her tears in check as she realizes he's finally going to try to live -- even if it's just to get out being trapped in a room with Gene.
Cristina puts her sexy dress back on and runs into Owen, and she laughs as she tells him she doesn't blame him for not wanting to date other people because people are gross. They have a laugh, and she invites him to not waste their both looking great and to have a drink across the street. At that very same moment, though, Ms. Discount Heels walks in and says hi. She doesn't see Cristina, who offers her own hello, and Emma assumes that she's interrupting. Owen looks too happily surprised to see her for Cristina's sake, and Emma admits that she had an excuse all worked out as to why she came over but now it's gone. Cristina realizes that this is exactly what she was trying to make Owen try, so she excuses herself and heads home, but once she walks out the door her shoulders slump and she looks like she is fighting nausea at the reality of the situation.
Alex is standing outside Jake Doe's room when Princess walks up with the results. Alex begins to say that he doesn't want to know after all, but Princess had already built up steam and at the same time, she blurts out that Jake is actually Alex's dad. She then cries out that she jumped the gun and she's sorry, but the damage is done and Alex storms off, kicking a trash can as he goes. I think that's a record, even for this show, for how little time a couple is allowed to be happy before they have a Big Serious Misunderstanding. Mere starts her VO which this time is lifted from The Bugs Bunny Show, yet another, on-with-the-show, this-is-it-type ditty.
Leah pours April and Arizona into a taxi, and April calls shotgun since she worries she'd be sick in the back. The cabbie rolls down the window when she admits she might be sick in the front, instead of kicking her out as any real-life cabbie would do if someone admitted they were about to barf. But I'm not saying I have real-life experience with a situation like that, no siree. Leah sticks her head in the cab and seriously tells Arizona that she's about to take her exams and become a second-year resident so she wants the respect she deserves, but Arizona just tells her she's adorable, shuts the door on her gown, and they drive off as a defeated, respect-free Leah watches them go.
At the same time, an ambulance pulls up and when the Shepherds see it, the share a glance and decide not to wake the kids and instead to get in some more work. Everything goes to slo-mo as Mere walks up and greets a patient.
Lauren S is a writer who lives and works in Atlanta and has never had her underwear pinned to a bulletin board. She wants everyone to know: "The views expressed in my recaps and anything else I might write on TWoP are my own and do not necessarily reflect the views of my employer."