Oh, Balls

S09E04

Christina Yang is having sex with her boss, because that’s how they do it at the Mayo Clinic apparently. Remember that if you ever end up there and want to argue about the bill. But Yang kicks her boss to the curb once she realizes that he is using her to help build a case against her old timey co-worker and get him fired. But now that Yang has a friend, she won’t let him go so easily, so instead she helps bring him into a modern medical practice. Well, during one surgery anyway.

Richard -- the once and future Chief -- brought in Avery’s mom to consult on his patient’s elephantiasis of the nuts. Yes, just like in The Breakfast Club. Cue a whole lotta uncomfortable looks on the men’s faces and a slough of ball and nut jokes out of the mouth of Bailey who desperately needs a believable storyline this season. Instead the writers have her running around trying to steal everyone’s surgeries for some undisclosed reason and, when she does finally get one, she makes a steady stream of awkward scrotum jokes throughout.

In other depressing news, Arizona is being fitted for her prosthetic leg and is handling it just about as well as you would expect a bitter, depressed and angry woman to take it. Alex and Callie argue about who is more to blame for Arizona losing her leg. Luckily a nearly shamanic prosthetic fitter reminds her that she’s lucky to have people who love her. After a few moments of tough love and some heartfelt looks into the mirror, Arizona starts to shake her funk. The result is that she is nearly collegial to Alex and invites Callie to sit to her on the couch and watch some reality television.

Meanwhile, Derek Shepherd is reduced to teaching, so Meredith doesn’t want to tell him about her super awesome once in a lifetime tumor surgery. So she doesn’t, because they have a great relationship. Unfortunately of his interns spills the beans and he goes to hate-watch the surgery from the gallery. He tells Owen that Meredith is “bubble wrapping” him, but Owen didn’t get the invitation to the pity party and calls Derek out on his emotional frailty and the fact that he runs to his dumb tin can of a trailer every time he gets a feeling hurt. So that two-minute talk cures Shepherd and when Meredith finally tells him about her tumor, he gets a contact high and she gets a big old kiss.

In the breakroom, Avery and Kepner are still having lots of secret sex before Kepner can reclaim her virginity. It’s all the more awkward because Avery’s mom keeps trying to set Kepner up with nice boys. More awkward for Avery is that his mom is still sleeping with Dr. Webber. So eventually Avery calls out his boss, man-to-man, because that’s a thing that’s done… on television. Avery tells Webber “he’s watching him,” but eventually gives Webber his blessing.

Then Owen moves into Derek’s depression trailer.

Come back later for the full recap of this week’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy. 100% more balls jokes guaranteed.

Think you've got game? Prove it! Check out Games Without Pity, our new area featuring trivia, puzzle, card, strategy, action and word games -- all free to play and guaranteed to help pass the time until your show starts.

Between the time I first watched this episode when it aired on Thursday and when I started recapping it, we had a small hurricane in New York that cost lives, decimated the city, shut down the subways, bridges, and tunnels and wiped out power, satellite television, internet access, and cell phone reception for millions of people. At the height of the hurricane, the power at one of the city's hospitals went out. Then the back up generators went out. So in the middle of a massive Frankenstorm, nurses and doctors and other heroes carried patients from the NICU and PICU down nine flights of stairs, in the dark, while keeping them warm and breathing with manual respirators. This act of stalwart heroism is both tear-inducingly heartwarming and wildly inspiring. It was also something I could easily picture, thanks to years of watching Grey's Anatomy. Remember when Meredith and Alex saved the preemie they were transporting back to Seattle Grace? Or that other baby that was saved due to the heroic actions of the doctors and nurses? Moments like these shows that reality and the Grey's Anatomy fantasy are not that far apart. GREY'S ANATOMY IS REAL! That said, none of the newspaper reports noted whether or not the doctors all saved the babies and then went to bone interns in the break room, which would have taken the Grey's Anatomy similarities to a whole new level. Still, from now on I will have no choice but to believe that Grey's Anatomy is in fact a docu-drama.

So what happened in everyone's favorite docu-drama this week? Lots of sex of course! Mer and Der are going for it, as are Cristina Yang and her Minnesotan boss. Mer's voiceover of wisdom says what we are all thinking: QUESTIONABLE JUDGMENT, CRISTINA. Also, questionable taste. I am certain there are far more attractive men in Minnesota who would be way less judgey of Cristina's disinterest in smiling. I mean, isn't lack of smiling a hallmark of Minnesota Lutheranism? I speak as a survivor of Oregon Lutheran school. Anyway, Hey, Cristina: Ew. Mer and Der have a little coitus interruptus from an overeager intern who is certain she has discovered a rare disease, which makes Meredith roll her eyes because she is so old and jaded and wise now. For his part, Derek is getting ready to pass his wisdom down to the generation because he is going to start teaching since he still can't operate. The unstated implication is that CALLIE SUCKS. He and Arizona should have a chapter meeting of the We Hate Callie club, stat. I'll bring the cookies.

In other sexy time news, Cristina and her daddy issues are actually going at it in the boss' office, which I'm sure is done in the Mayo Clinic all the time. Note to self: wipe down all surfaces in medical facilities with disinfectant. As Cristina gets dressed she grouses about some old timey procedure her frenemy the old man doctor is about to perform. Her boss laughs as he zips up his pants (ew.) and says, "That's perfect!" Before Cristina can find out what that means exactly, the boss unzips his pleated pants and suggests they go again. (Double ew.) Back in Seattle Grace, Avery and Kepner are having one last go round before April reclaims her virginity, because why not, right? Horse is already out of the barn and it will be until you find it and put it back in and ...wow that came out sounding dirtier than I intended. Anyway, Kepner is planning on putting off reclaiming her virginity at least until her break is over.

Dr. Weber is wearing a tie and it's freaking everyone out. Hunt calls him on it and so does Bailey. You know who doesn't? Avery's mom. Weber has called her in for a consult and for now anyway it's not a consult in the break room, if you know what I mean, and I think you do because the only thing the break room at Seattle Grace is used for is hook ups. God forbid anyone try to sleep between shifts! Anyway, Avery's mom really likes Weber's tie, which is probably a euphemism for something, right? Right.

Alex is having a hissyfit at some computer equipment, but when Callie walks into the line of fire he directs his tantrum at her. He rudely and crassly demands to know when Robbins is coming back. Callie freezes and stares at him, but not just because he's being an insensitive dickhead, but because Arizona is in the building. She's getting fitted for her prosthetic today and the only way Callie could get her to come to the hospital is if she promised that no one would know she was there. Because Seattle Grace is so good at keeping secrets? Actually, so long as Robbins doesn't go anywhere near the break room she should be able to avoid all her co-workers. Alex carelessly promises not to say anything to Robbins, but he's not really listening to Callie and it's pretty clear he's going to go find Robbins.

Cut to Arizona looking forlorn and legless in the physical therapy/prosthetics fitting room. She has her bitch face on, so we know she is still unhappy about having her leg cut off in a plane crash and hasn't come to the more societally acceptable I-feel-lucky-considering-two-of-my-friends-are-dead phase or the I-will-be-an-inspiration-to-my-patients phase yet. Maybe by the end of the episode? Her prosthetist (sorry spellcheck, Shonda Rhimes says it's a word, so I'm going with it) comes in and introduces himself to Robbins. He (Ethan Embry) explains that they'll be working together for awhile and by that he means until one of them is dead or her leg grows back. Her dead-eyed stare says what we're all thinking, "Hahaha. Great joke, dude. Have you considered a career in stand up?" After checking out her gams and admiring the lack of scar tissue, he suggests they get to work. Arizona looks beyond thrilled at the prospect.

Meredith strolls through the halls of Seattle Grace loudly declaring, "Just stop having sex with him!" I'm sure no one will know she's talking to Cristina. Meanwhile Cristina is walking around the Mayo Clinic loudly conversing about how her slightly reptilian boss is her "sex friend" and her "best friend" is the "ancient guy." Good code names, surely no one in Minnesota will crack that code. Uncharacteristically, Meredith suggests that Cristina stop being sex friends with her boss (um, Meredith, you had sex with your boss for years until you married him, remember?) and instead just get drunk with the Ancient One. Cristina isn't convinced after all she's just trying to fit in at the Mayo Clinic. Note to self: Never go to Mayo Clinic.

Weber has a "big surprise" for Avery's mom. She coyly asks if she'll need to "use two hands" and COME ON, SHOW, gross. Weber winks and nods that two hands "won't be enough." She is just about to need some adult diapers when Weber opens the door and introduces her to his patient. Remember in The Breakfast Club when Judd Nelson's character is trying to freak everyone out with photos of a guy with elephantitus of the nuts? Well, that bit must have really stuck with Shonda, because sure enough, Katherine Avery really will need more than two hands to hold on to Weber's big surprise, which is, of course, a guy with inflated testicles. Katherine is unamused by Richard's double entendre that turned out not to be a come on at all. Yep, he just called his favorite urologist for a consult.

The somewhat good-natured Patient du Jour assures them that he doesn't have basketballs in his pants and he's not just happy to see them. Katherine gets her mom jeans on and scolds him for letting it get so bad before seeing a doctor. He claims he saw doctors before and they prescribed pills, but it's only gotten really severe in the last few months. His friend, who is a girl, claims that he's using severely painful enormously inflated balls as an excuse to avoid his ten-year high school reunion. Um, dude, didn't anyone tell you that those aren't mandatory. They aren't jury duty or military service. If you don't want to go, just don't go, elephantitus of the nuts or not. Katherine promises him he'll be able to go to the reunion with 98% less scrotum. He should definitely put "Now with 98% less scrotum!" on his OKCupid profile.

Today's Minnesota-based Patient du Jour is a heart patient who is in the hands of Cristina's Ancient One best friend. Obviously he has an outdated and invasive procedure planned while Cristina has less invasive and more technology-driven operation in mind. Luckily their relationship has improved to the point that Cristina can tease him about his age and out-datedness mercilessly ("You're a national landmark, like the Grand Canyon, only slightly older!") and he just laughs it off.

Meanwhile, turns out Meredith's intern (the once and future Mac from Veronica Mars) was right about the super rare tumor. The patient doesn't take the news particularly well, though, and starts sobbing like a little girl instead of the stalwart security guard they were expecting. Meredith assures him that they can take the tumor out. Elsewhere in the hospital, Derek is teaching the other interns how to put in central lines. They aren't especially excited by the prospect. Sure hope Derek's oh-captain-my-captain teaching method will inspire them to greatness.

Back in Minnesota, Cristina's reptilian boss/ sex friend, Parker, wants to know if she tried to convince the Ancient One to use a less invasive procedure. She assures him she did, but the Ancient One could not be convinced and Cristina's okay with it because his old school procedure has fewer potential side effects. Parker scoffs and tells her to "enjoy it while she can, which is vague but he won't elaborate, not even for his sex friend who could sue him for sexual harassment in an instant. ("He told me I had to fit in if I wanted to get off of probation.")

Katherine Avery and Weber are holding hands in the x-ray room, and Katherine reminds Weber that she doesn't want Jackson to know about their "continued adventures." Bailey interrupts their conversation and asks to get in on the testicular reduction surgery, but Weber says no, because he wants Kepner on board. Bailey shoots him one of her trademark infringing "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Weber?" looks, but Weber won't back down. He's taken Kepner under his wing and wants her unlicensed hands in on the surgery. He hopes Bailey understands. She doesn't.

Back in the training room, Smash Williams finds yet another kind, understanding, and strong mentor in the form of Derek Shepherd. When Smash struggles to find the fake vein while he's attempting to put in a central line in the dummy torso, Shepherd yells, "Clear Eyes, Full Heart, Can't Lose!" and Smash makes the touchdown. In related news, I miss Friday Night Lights.

Since Bailey can't get in on Weber's and Avery's surgery, she tries to steal Meredith's incredibly complex tumor surgery. Meredith isn't having it at all, though. Over in awkward conversation land, Katherine Avery is talking Kepner through the male anatomy. When Kepner balks at the site of testicles the size of basketballs, Katherine tells her to relax and suggests that in her professional opinion, Kepner needs to get laid and prep for year's medical boards, preferably at the same time. Luckily she knows just the gynecologist to do it. She promises to give Kepner his number, but not before extolling the virtues of a great sex life using some powerful flower blossoming imagery that makes Kepner blanch and maybe gag a little thinking about Weber and her sex friend's mom getting it on. Speaking of the other Avery, Weber invites Jackson to scrub in on the nut surgery because they need a plastics guy to make a "skin flap." I assume that's the technical term? Jackson is cool with it, even though it's with his mom and Weber.

By LuluBates

Back in the prosthetics lab, Arizona is unhappily being fitted for her fake leg. Callie comes in to see if she's done and Arizona takes out all her aggravation and frustration and anger on her, full on yelling at her for not checking her voicemail. Callie quickly retreats. Meanwhile, Meredith is on the phone with Cristina who is still in Minnesota (we know this because it's snowing outside her window) telling her about the tumor she's about to remove. Meredith doesn't want to tell Derek about it, because she doesn't want to rub her awesome surgery in his face both because it's wildly unsanitary but also because he's being a good sport about teaching. Also because secrets are always good for keeping the magic alive in a marriage. Anyway, something Meredith says gets Cristina staring off into the middle distance Dr. House-style and having a realization about something. She hangs up quickly, freeing Meredith to lie to Derek when he asks her about breaking the news to her intern that she was wrong about the tumor.

Seattle Grace is once again showing off it's rampant professionalism by staging viewings of the Elephant Man. Meredith shoos off a group of interns ogling the man and his nuts, but only so the attendings can come gawk. The men are horrified at the sight of such private part punishment, but Avery is even more horrified at the sight of his mother laughing and touching Weber's arm. Meredith cruelly rubs their happiness in his face until Avery tells her to go to hell and storms off. Speaking of storming, Cristina has stormed off from her boss' (see? demotion) to the hospital to try and talk the Ancient One into trying a new procedure. He thinks she's just trying to annoy him when he already has a perfectly reasonable plan in place to treat his patient. He doesn't know that Cristina is trying to save his job! He insists that he is perfectly capable of threading a catheter into a patient's heart, so Cristina double dog dares him to prove that he can.

Elephant Man is getting prepped for surgery when he finally admits that he might be avoiding his high school reunion because a girl he likes will be there. As Katherine and Weber swap "aww young love" eye rolls, his friend yells at him to ironically get some balls and just ask the woman out already. Bailey is still trolling the halls for surgeries, and Kepner finally takes her up on it. She can't be handling some other man's balls in front of her ersatz boyfriend and his mother. Too awkward!

Meanwhile, Meredith's patient is making a break for it. He overheard her intern bragging about the once-in-a-lifetime tumor operation and he got spooked enough to run into the parking lot in his peekaboo hospital gown. Meredith runs after him, which in and of itself is a pretty frightening sight. Girl was not meant to jog. Guess that means she won't be starring in a Personal Best reboot any time soon. Meredith shows her maturity as a doctor by talking the guy down. She knows it is scary, but she can do it! She can remove a tumor that has spread all over his body. He nods, because Dr. Meredith is so very convincing and apparently he has never watched this show before. Always be skeptical when they say they can do it!

Callie is back at the hospital after her Super Big Gulp of Wine. Oh, wait, maybe it's the day and Robbins just has another prosthetic fitting? Anyway, Alex stops Callie in the hall and wants to know how the fitting went, because he is worried that he screwed up the surgery and Robbins' prosthetic won't fit properly and it will be all his fault. Wait, so Alex cut off Robbins' leg? Do they really only have one orthopedic surgeon on staff and then they start picking from the pediatric pool? Anyway, Callie assures him that Robbins doesn't even know that he was the one who cut off her leg and sadly, cynically smiles that Arizona completely blames her for everything.

Speaking of Arizona, she is back (still?) in the prosthetics lab but now has a leg attached. The doctor tells her not to rush the process, because she's the one who will suffer if they rush it. She yells at him when he tries to get her on her feet and he steps back and gives her some unsolicited advice about how lucky she is to have people in her corner who care. She needs helps, she can't do it alone, and she needs to realize that. She snipes at him some more and he leaves her alone to sulk. Tough love from the Leg Whisperer!

Ruh-roh, Shepherd's students ask him if they can skip the lecture because they all want to go watch Dr. Grey remove a rare tumor. Shepherd laughs that Meredith is doing no such thing, but they assure him that his Post-It wife is in the operating room right now removing an incredibly rare and complicated tumor. Awkward! Also awkward is Cristina's boss rushing into the OR demanding to know what Cristina said to the Ancient One to get him to switch procedures and try the more minimally invasive one. He could get in a lot of trouble, not for sleeping with an underling, but for telling her about the desire to get rid of the Ancient One. Cristina pretends that she didn't say anything and is just as surprised as him that the Ancient One made the call. Parker sighs but then thinks it will be a good thing, because when the Ancient One screws up, the Board can fire him. Cristina looks panicked at her bad decision-making.

In the operating room, Meredith is yelling at her intern for bragging to her friends in front of the patient. Up in the viewing room Hunt is catching some zzzs, because he has nothing else to do on set and may as well be well-rested. Apparently Shepherd put the interns into time out or something, because he comes to the gallery alone, disturbing Hunt's nap. He whines that Meredith is "bubble wrapping" him, but Hunt won't hear it. He thinks Derek needs to be bubble wrapped because whenever things get emotionally rocky, he bails and runs off to the Tin Can of Sadness in the woods. Hunt thinks Meredith is protecting him from the world, but also trying to insure some personal stability for her family by keeping him insulated. Shepherd blinks a few times that Hunt had so many lines all in a row. Hunt laughs that the speech was actually meant for Cristina, but it worked her so he just blurted it out. Shepherd nods understandingly.

In another OR, four doctors peer over a man's private parts while Bailey makes crude fart and ball jokes. When no one laughs, Bailey assures them that she didn't bully Kepner into giving up the surgery, but no one cares. Jackson is just being a pouty little baby about his mom dating his once-boss and Weber and Katherine are just trying to pretend that their relationship is under still wraps. Also, they may be slightly more professional then the weird version of Bailey that we are getting for this episode. Remember when Miranda Bailey was awesome? Not some sex-crazed break room denizen who makes fart jokes in the operating room after trying to steal surgeries from her less tenured coworkers? Remember?

By LuluBates

Jackson interrupts their ogling and demands to speak to Weber man to man. His mother says no and tries to put him in time out, but Weber encourages her to let Jackson play grown up. Avery tells Weber it is okay for him to date his mom even though he doesn't like it all. Then they get in a territorial pissing contest like two worked up Shih Tzus with Weber telling Jackson that he doesn't want a piece of him and Jackson telling Weber he's watching him and walks off. Bailey, who witnessed the whole thing, gets in one last inappropriate joke when she tells Weber that his interaction with Jackson took some pretty big balls. Ba-dum-BUMP. Thank you ladies and gentlemen, tip your servers on the way out.

Derek asks Meredith about her day and specifically about her tumor. She balks, but after Derek promises that he won't grow a beard and run off to the woods, she tells him about her tumor-iffic day. Derek gets so excited that he kisses her right in the middle of the hospital without even bothering to reserve the break room. Scandalous!

Robbins is finally back from her prosthetic fitting and is sitting on the couch while Callie puts their invisible baby to bed. Callie's about to head off to sleep in Mark's apartment, when Callie stops her, pats the couch, and says that American Bake-off is starting. Callie pauses and then tentatively goes to sit to her wife on the couch. She should send Alex an Edible Arrangement for helping Robbins see the light! Speaking of lights, Kepner and Jackson are turning the lights in the break room off again. One last go round before Kepner's a virgin again! I think that's how it works, right? Have surreptitious sex 12 times and then you're a virgin? I'll have to look up the exact methodology on Wikipedia. Over in Minnesota, Cristina and the Ancient One are having a drink at a bar.

The Ancient One knows that they are trying to kick him out of the hospital. He shows Cristina the gold watch they gave him as a retirement present four years ago that he wears to screw with them. When he orders an old fashioned from the bartender, Cristina cracks up laughing and joins him. At least she's having fun. Hunt on the other hand, has realized that Cristina isn't coming back to Seattle any time soon and is in the grow-a-beard-and-move-to-Derek's-trailer stage of grief. Hang out there too long, Hunt, and you'll be well on your way to a Unabomber plotline.

You can follow LuluBates a.k.a. Melissa Locker on Twitter @woolyknickers if you're into that sort of thing

By LuluBates

Cristina's boss stops her on the way out of the hospital, smiling that the procedure went "gangbusters." She chides him for looking disappointed that the surgery went so well and reminds him that the Ancient One is a historic treasure, but there's not a hint of a joke in her voice and you can tell she means it this time. Parker shrugs and points out that she's out of surgery early so maybe she wants to have some inappropriate sexual relations in the HR director's office? Cristina cuts him off, because she's having drinks with a friend.

Back at Seattle Grace, Alex's wisdom has given Arizona some clarity. She stands in her prosthetic leg and stares at herself in the mirror. When the Leg Whisperer finally returns to his patient, she almost smiles as she tells him where it hurts. He smiles that he'll see what he can do about that. Back in the intern's practical lab, Smash Williams is finally able to do a central line, thanks to Derek's excellent teaching skills. Shepherd smiles beatifically at his new career path.

Katherine and Weber give the Elephant Man the news that he is going to have to find an all new nickname, because he is healed. They nudge him to go tell the girl of his dreams that he loves her. That's when he admits that he's actually in love with his friend, but doesn't know how to tell her. Weber gives him the fatherly wisdom that they just surgically removed the only thing he had to be embarrassed about. Um, Weber, he could have a lot of things to be embarrassed about. For example, he could have extremely stinky feet or eat noodles with his hands or like the Counting Crows. When his friend returns to his hospital room, he kicks Weber and Katherine out so he can tell his friend that he loves her. Instead of giving them any privacy, they watch from the hallway and lay odds on the likelihood of getting invited to the wedding. This is Seattle Grace after all and they have a reputation to maintain.