Seattle Grace is a hotbed of secrets. George gets himself a nasty case of syphilis and spends most of the episode trying to keep this fact from everyone, including the girl who gave it to him. Meredith is still not telling anyone about her poor Alzheimer-y mother in the home. The Chief is suffering from headaches and blurry vision and he knows this can only mean one thing: TUMOR!
The patients du jour are Burke's friend Bill, who somehow wound up with a wayward ovary pressing against his bladder; a mean drunk with a distended abdomen who may or may not have heart disease as well; and the Chief himself, who lets Derek operate on his vision-impairing tumor, even though it could render him blind and therefore jobless. Bill discovers that he's impotent, which makes the fact that his wife is about seven months pregnant a little disturbing, to say the least. The drunk ends up dying during a routine procedure and Cristina and Izzie figure out that he actually had heart disease and didn't die of drink like his bitter daughter thinks he did. And the Chief wakes up after his surgery to a scene of Derek and Meredith acting lovey-dovey right outside his hospital room. So, you know, good that he's not blind, but, um, bad for Derek and Meredith.
In the end, George tells his girl about the syph and finds out that Alex actually gave HER the syph, which means that, by extension, Alex gave George the syph. So, basically, Alex and George have slept together. Meredith tells Derek about her mother, and he reacts lovingly, which is a nice change for him. Unfortunately, our good opinion of him does a complete turnaround about ten minutes later when it comes to our attention that Derek has a wife named Addison and not only is she in Seattle, she's in Seattle at the very hospital they work for. And, needless to say, she ain't too happy.
Previously on If the Trailer's a Rockin', Two Doctor's are Doin' the Nasty on the World's Smallest Bed: George got a date, Cristina scheduled an appointment at the local abortion clinic, and Meredith learned Derek's favorite color and they scampered off to make sweet trailer park love in Derek's Silver Bullet on a hill.
As Meredith's VO talks about how secrets can't hide in science and medicine has a way of exposing the lies, we follow a trail of discarded clothes along the floor until they lead us to a pair of hairy, naked legs. The naughty bits at the top of the legs are hidden by a big-ass book entitled, "Rashes, Hives, and Skin Eruptions." Mmmm. Excellent book. Number two for three weeks running on the New York Times bestsellers list! I keep it to my bed. For those nights when I just really, really, REALLY need a good nightmare filled with pulsating ass boils and scaly, rash-covered genitals.
It turns out that George is the one reading the book and after Meredith's VO says something about trying to keep the secrets they all have from permeating the hospital, George looks directly down at his crotch and we are forced to realize that the rashes, hives, and skin eruptions he's reading about are very likely occurring in or around the general region of his Long Duk Dong. He looks severely disgusted with himself. And his dong.
Izzie starts rattling the doorknob, wanting to get in and take a shower. George is busy staring at his tallywhacker, however, and says he'll be out in a minute. Izzie nosily wants to know what he's doing in there. Well, Izzie, he's in the bathroom and the shower isn't on. I'd say he's taking a crap, but since that wouldn't prevent your nosy fucking ass from just barging in and jumping into the shower, I won't bother to try and inform you of George's current status. I hate it when people ask that question outside the bathroom door. What the fuck do you THINK I'm doing in here? Crocheting a new goddamn shower curtain? Mind your business!
But George just says that he's doing something private and Dirty Izzie immediately assumes that he's masturbating. She walks away all, "Ohhhhhh. Never mind! Have at it! Just... don't leave a stain on the floor, okay?" George is appalled and starts sputtering that he's not doing what she thinks he's doing... while standing in the middle of the bathroom with a gargantuan book covering his dingle. Izzie parks herself outside the door with a magazine and tells George that she'll just wait until he's finished, like, GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM, IZZIE. Even if he IS tossing off, do you really need to listen to it?
In Meredith's room, Derek rolls over in bed as Mere's phone rings. It's Ms. Henry from the nursing home and she seems to want to talk to Mere about something important, but Mere just says she has to go and hangs up. Derek wakes up and asks who was on the phone and Mere tells him it was a wrong number. George exits the bathroom (with his clothes on, THANK GOD) and Izzie giggles at him that it's normal to masturbate in the morning with your roommate hovering around outside the door. George again insists that he wasn't doing anything and that he doesn't need to because he has a girlfriend. Please. My ex Ruprecht and I would have sex practically every morning and he'd STILL find time in the day to beat off at least once, if not twice. Having a girlfriend means nothing to the masturbation monster that is man.
Izzie teases George that he has an imaginary girlfriend, but George insists she's real. And she lives in Niagara Falls. Izzie continues to mercilessly tease George until Meredith opens her door and enters the hell that is George's morning. She asks what's going on and they both say "nothing." George then limps off to his room and Izzie tells Meredith that he's freaked out because she caught him playing with "Little Jimmy and the twins." God. Does she call EVERY man's equipment that? Because that's really sad. George AGAIN says he has a girlfriend and finally makes it to the sanctuary of his room and slams the door. McDreamy comes out of Mere's room and buttons up his shirt as his cell phone rings. He looks at the call and then doesn't answer it. Mere's all, aren't you gonna get that? Could be the hospital. "It's not," says McDreamy cagily. "Breakfast?" Yes. I'd like a side of hash browns with my plate of Eggs McSmug, please. Mere's VO says, "That's the problem with secrets: like misery, they looooove company."
Later that morning at the hospital, Cristina's in some hallway giving the abortion clinic people what for over the phone. She doesn't want to come in for a damn counseling session, and she knows all her options, and she's made her decision and she'll be there on the sixteenth. Click. Mere's VO says that secrets pile up so much that they take over everything. Burke saunters up and says that he paged her last night but she didn't respond. Cristina acidly responds that she wasn't on call. Burke looks bemused. "That's not why I paged you. You... could give me your home number... " Cristina gives him this look of barely repressed sympathy and sadness. "Um, Burke... uh, I gotta go... " She walks off, leaving a confused Burke in her wake.
Elsewhere, the Chief is rubbing his temple as he looks at someone's chart. He has to keep moving the chart up and down, so it's obvious there's something wrong with his eyes. Mere's VO finishes up, saying that finally, you're so full of secrets you feel like you're going to burst. The Chief passes George and the redheaded nurse as they talk about the good time they had last night, what with the exchange of the genital warts and everything. George asks if she's feeling okay and she says she's fine, now that she's gotten the chance to see him. Not really the answer he was looking for, but he'll take it. She asks how he is and he says he's fine... if a little itchy. Izzie "Buttinsky" Stevens interrupts them and says hi to them both, addressing George's girlfriend as "Olivia". Great. Now I can't refer to her as Nurse Itchy Crotch like I'd planned. Stupid Izzie.
Izzie congratulates George on his cute new girlfriend and realizes this means that this morning, he wasn't necessarily pulling his pudding in the bathroom. "Anytime you want to apologize... " he says. "Then, what were you doing in the bathroom for so long?" she asks. OH MY GOD, IZZIE. So, what? If he's not whacking off, he's planning a serial murder or something? What the fuck ELSE would he be doing in the bathroom? Christ on a Christmas Cruise at Sea! "I have to go," says George, walking off in shame.
Medicine Crüe Locker Room. George sneaks in and spies Alex trimming his nose hairs over in the corner. Ew. "I know I'm pretty to look at and all, George, but back up." Heh. George spills his guts about the "skin thing" he has going on. He thinks he knows what it is, but he can't get close enough to tell for sure. "Let's see it," says Alex, turning around. "It's kind of located in an, um, you know, private... " stammers George. "You're a doctor, George," snits Alex. "It's called a penis. You have a rash on your penis?" Hee. George nods. He seems to think twice about showing Alex his cash and prizes, but Alex just rolls his eyes and orders him to show him his "junk" so they can get this over with. George checks around and finally pulls the front of his pants down so Alex can take a look. Alex spends about three hours in front of George's nuts and bolts and finally comes up for air. "Dude, you've got syphilis." Oh, ewwwww. I've never had syphilis (surprising, considering some of my ex-boyfriends), but I tell you what, if you want to get yourself scared straight into a condom, and possibly a dental dam, and possibly full body armor before the time you have sex, just... type "syphilis" into Google image search and see what you come up with. I will never. Have sex. AGAIN.
"Nobody knows... " what kind of doctor would be allowed in the OR with Vamp nail polish and no surgical gloves.
After the credits, Alex, George, and Burke are attending to a man who presented with abdominal pain and blood in his urine. His pregnant wife oversees the situation as Burke seems to be checking out the man's bladder with a scope or something. The man on the table thanks Burke for handling this personally, knowing that urology is a little out of his field. Apparently, the man on the table and Burke were in the same frat at Tulane. Damn, Burke went to school in New Orleans? I KNEW there was a reason I liked him! "I could tell some stories... " says the man on the table. "Bill, you have a camera snaking up your mojo!" says Burke. "It's not the time to cross me." Heh. The wife asks if the situation is serious and Burke assures her that the test they're performing will tell them whether it is or not and that all she should worry about is growing his godson inside her belly. Burke sees something on the monitor and orders George to take a biopsy of the mass and tells Alex to schedule a CT scan. He tells his friends not to worry until they have to.
In another OR, Meredith and Bailey are assisting the Chief as Derek watches from the peanut gallery. They're working on a colon. The Chief goes to tie off his stitches, but he falters. He keeps clearing his throat, as if that'll help him tie the knot, but it doesn't. Something's definitely wrong with the man. Down in the Pit, Cristina and Izzie are checking out a man with a distended abdomen. His wife comments that she knew something was wrong with her husband when he started getting fat so fast. His daughter comments bitterly from her perch by the door that everybody told her dad something was wrong, but he wouldn't listen. Cristina says they have to admit her father for some tests and the daughter's all sarcastic and wanting to know how much it's going to cost "this time" and her mother steps in and meekly tries to get her to shut up.
Meanwhile, George is racing to the lab to get the results of his blood test. He takes one look at the results and sighs when he realizes that they confirm that he has one hefty case of crotch rot. Izzie blows in and drops something off at the lab and then shoves her way into George's personal hell again. She RIPS the lab results out of his hand and reads them aloud. "Syphilis? That's not surgical. Who has syphilis?" God, she bugs the hell out of me in Season One. They're all a little annoying in Season One, which is the nature of characters you're just getting to know, but she is, by far, the one who bugs me the most. George grabs her and pulls her into an office and, Izzie practically shouts, "YOU HAVE SYPHILIS?" George shushes her and shuts the blinds and the door and tells Izzie that he doesn't know how this happened. "Of course you do," says Izzie. "Wow, Olivia must really be getting around." "She's not like that!" says George. "It's the new millennium, George," says Izzie. "The only people that aren't like that are the Amish. And, apparently, you." Hee. "Maybe I been sleeping around," says George. "Maybe I got ladies." HAHAHAHA. Izzie smirks at him. "Shut up!" says George.
He wonders what he's going to do and Izzie just tells him to knock it out with some penicillin, like everyone else does. But what is he going to do about Olivia? Izzie's all, well, not screwing her anymore might be a good idea. She then tells George that if Olivia gave it to him, he has to tell her. George hisses at Izzie that she has now trash-talked the woman he could... potentially like a whole lot THREE times. "Fine!" says Izzie. "She didn't give it to you! She was a virgin when you met." He still has to tell her so Olivia can get tested. "Oh, yeah?" says George. "How? How am I gonna tell her? 'Hey, Olivia! How you doing? By the way, I got the syph. How 'bout you?'" Hee. Izzie just laughs at him and George leaves, potentially to go soak his John Thomas in bleach.
Back with the Chief and his Surgery of Ineptitude, a nurse hands him a retractor, only to have him drop it on the floor. The nurse apologizes, but the Chief says it wasn't her fault. He steps back and tells Bailey to finish the surgery. Bailey's all, uh, t-t-thank you, C-C-Chief! I appreciate the--hey! Where ya goin'? The Chief removes his gloves and leaves the room. Mere shoots Dere a look and he returns it with a concerned look of his own.
Later, after the bleach-soaking, George and Alex are sending Bill through his CT scan as Alex expresses surprise that George actually even HAS sex. He wants to know who gave George cooties on the playground, but George isn't spilling. He asks if Alex has ever had something like this before and Alex says he never talks about his penis with other men. The CT technician looks over at George with his eyebrow raised and George is all, uh, I don't... either... normally. Kill me. Just then, George notices something on the scan and says that they'd better get Burke. They run out.
Izzie and Cristina enter the room of the man with the distended abdomen. His name is Franklin. They tell him that he has ascites, better known as fluid in the peritoneal cavity. The swelling is pressing against his lungs, which is why he's having trouble breathing. Cristina says it looks like a symptom of liver disease. "And it allll comes together," says the bitchy daughter from the corner of the room. Cristina asks if there's something they should know and the daughter shoots her father a look. "I drink a bit," he says. "That's the understatement of the year," she snaps. Her father tries to reprimand her, but she just says she's here for her mother, to make sure he doesn't pull any of his usual crap. Cristina and Izzie share a glance of, "What the hell is going on with this family, anyway?"
Alex informs Burke that there's a growth protruding into Bill's bladder. Burke doesn't think it's a tumor, though. "Kinda looks like an ovary," quips Alex. "That the flip answer you gonna give your patient, Dr. Karev?" snaps Burke. "This is one of my oldest friends, you might just want to take this seriously." Alex apologizes as George enters with the lab results. "You won't believe this," says George as he hands the results to Burke. He pages through them and looks up in surprise. "Bill has an ovary?" Bill smiles at Burke from his seat behind the soundproof glass and Burke fakes a smile back in his direction.
Izzie and Cristina tell Bailey about Mr. Franklin and how his daughter told them he's a heavy drinker. Bailey asks what the protocol is and they respond that they'll schedule a procedure to drain the fluid to relieve the pressure on his lungs. Bailey tells them to do the procedure themselves and they both practically drool all over the floor.
George and Alex troop down the stairs as they chat about Bill and his ovary. Olivia enters and passes between them and says hi to George but not to Alex. He notices, of course, because he is the center of the damn universe. "What am I, invisible?" Olivia just offers up a terse, "Alex." George tells Alex to go on ahead and he'll catch up with him later. Alex leaves and Olivia launches herself at George's face. He enjoys it for a bit but then finally pulls back from her and starts to stammer that he has to tell her something. She's all, what? Are you breaking up with me? He's all, no. NO NO NO. And then he dives headfirst into the deepest damn mess of a speech I've ever heard. He says he hasn't been with anyone else in a long time, but it's okay if she's been with someone, even if he hasn't, then he practically calls her a prostitute and finally winds the whole thing up by saying that he likes her a lot but... he has syphilis. She steps back from him like he's covered in baby shit and just runs up the stairs. "That could have gone better," he says with a furrow in his brow. Bet yer ass it could've gone better. Unless you were thinking that calling her a hooker was going to somehow distract her from noticing the syphilis statement.
The Chief's Office of Stabbing Eye Pain. Derek enters and observes that the man dropped a retractor. The Chief spills that a few weeks ago, he was operating and the vision in his right eye became blurry. Well, it's come back again. He had it checked out, but the examination was normal. "But you know what a decline in my visual acuity can mean," the Chief tells Derek. "I'll set up some tests," Derek responds. The Chief asks him to keep it a secret and Derek agrees.
Later, in the cafeteria, George and Alex pass Olivia as they walk toward their table and George wonders if Olivia is talking about him. Alex says that she absolutely is. He goes on to say that syphilis is the best thing that ever happened to George. "In their eyes, you're a player." Yeah. A player who's not going to be getting LAID any time soon. "Hey, syph-boy!" Cristina greets him. George looks at Izzie. "You told her?" "Just Cristina," says Izzie, as if telling "just Cristina" is going to stop this from spreading like, well, syphilis, all over the hospital. To prove my point, Meredith drops down to George and says, "Hey, George. How're you feeling? Sorry about the syphilis." George is stunned. "Everyone in this hospital knows?" "Knows you're a player," says Alex. "You're disturbed," says George. "True," says Alex. Hee. So true. Alex goes on to say that everybody's got secrets and George should be glad his is out in the open. Cristina challenges Alex to tell them HIS secret. "Show me yours, I'll show you mine," says Alex. Mature. Burke passes just then and Cristina kind of tilts her head his way and then smoothly brings it back to the table so that no one notices what she just did.
Alex supposes that Cristina has some pretty kinky skeletons in her closets and Cristina tells him that the contents of her closets are none of his damn business. Izzie declares that she has no secrets because her life is boring. Would that be the secret about your former modeling career? Or the secret about your trailer park mother and her addiction to phone psychics? Mere says to her plate that everybody's got something to hide. She looks up and everyone's staring at her. Heh.
Burke enters Bill's room and tells him that he doesn't have a tumor. But he does have DNA from two different embryos that merged in the womb at the very early stages of development. In Bill's case, this means that he has a condition that produced gonadal hermaphroditism. Gesundheit. Bill's scared. "In English?" says Burke. "The mass in your bladder is an ovary." Bill's like, the huh? Burke says they're going to have an excellent gynecological surgeon remove it for him. Bill's still freaked out. Burke just assures him that it's a quirk of nature. Bill wants to know if he's still a man and if he'll have any sexual problems. Burke tells him he's a man's man, a Kappa man and then asks if they've been having any problems in the bedroom. "Was it my very pregnant wife that gave it away?" Bill quips. They both laugh and Burke tells him he won't miss the ovary when it's gone.
Ew. A needle. Alex is readying a shot of penicillin for George. "Are you sure you know what you're doing?" asks George. No, George. HE'S ONLY A DOCTOR. Alex just tells him it's a damn shot and that George is lucky he's even helping him out with this. "I've seen more of you than I ever wanted to. I'll be fighting nightmares for a week." George bends over the table and drops his pants so Alex can shoot him in the ass. The curtains open and it's Meredith. "Meredith! Go away!" George tries to shoo her out. "Oh, George," she clucks, "I thought you could use some moral support." Heh. George is all, NO! NO MORAL SUPPORT. NAKED BUTT! NAKED BUTT! Meredith just clucks some more at him, telling him it's not a big deal. "And you have a cute butt." Yeah, fat lot of good your cute butt comment does him NOW, Meredith. Alex whispers that he has a cute butt too, wanna see? "Oh, get out!" Mere snaps at him. "You're doing it wrong." George listens to all of this with his ass hanging out in the wind. Meredith moves in to take Alex's place with the needle and George is all, ALEX, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?? NAKED BUTT NAKED BUTT!!
Alex leaves and Izzie swoops in, asking what they're doing. "Breaking George's spirit!" grumps George as he attempts to close the curtains. "We're curing George's syph," says Mere as she delivers the shot. "I don't like needles!" gasps George. "Good thing you became a doctor," says Mere. She orders him to drop the other side of his pants so she can deliver the other shot. Cristina enters and shouts at Izzie from the other side of the curtain that Franklin's procedure's been schedule for after lunch. Then she too swoops in, all, oh! What're we doing? "We are saving George from a future of festering sores and insanity," says Izzie. "Oh, cute butt!" says Cristina. "Told you," says Meredith to George. "It is cute," says Izzie. "Like a baby's!" Oh, that is NOT what a guy wants to hear. Meredith delivers the final shot to George's ass and he pulls up his pants and says, "You know, I have spent hours, days, years, imagining myself half-naked in a room with three women. The reality is SO much better." He scrambles out as they all grin at his retreating backside. "I think he's gonna cry!" says Cristina. They all collapse in laughter.
Later on, Mere gets another call from the woman at her mom's nursing home. Mere apologizes for hanging up on her earlier and asks what she was calling about. Tonight's their monthly family dinner and Meredith has yet to make an appearance at any of their family functions. Mere blames her lack of attendance on being a surgical intern. Ms. Henry thinks it's important that she attend, and Mere says she'll try to be there. She hangs up and walks off as Derek and the Chief approach. Derek tells him that he's cleared some time in the MRI and the Chief says they should totally get going. His secretary walks up and tells him that there's a problem. "What now?" he asks in annoyance.
In Mr. Franklin's room, Cristina informs him that they've given him a local anesthetic, but that he might feel some pressure. She instructs Izzie to grab his skin, and then she plunges a needle into his stomach and makes sure to reach the peritoneal cavity. She pulls the plunger on the needle and there's blood in the fluid. Izzie's concerned. Cristina assures Franklin that she's done this procedure millions of times and there's nothing to worry about. They continue the procedure and hook the line up to a draining tube and everything seems to be going just fine. "Now all we have to do is wait," she says.
Derek and the Chief are looking at a nice cross-section of the Chief's brain on a screen. Derek points out something on the image and says that it's a tumor pressing against his optic nerve. It's operable, though, so that's good. Unfortunately, one of the risks of surgery is that the Chief could lose his sight. "Just what I need," grumps the Chief, "a syphilis outbreak and a tumor." Hey, add some flooding and locusts and you're halfway to the Passover Plagues, buddy! The Chief measures a look at Derek and says that now's his chance to prove how good he really is. Derek says he'll put a team together and the Chief wants only his people on the crew and he still wants to keep this all under wraps. "The vultures will be circling soon enough." "Aren't I one of the vultures?" Derek quips. "Why do you think I want to keep an eye on you?" says the Chief. They're going to do the surgery tonight.
Meredith stumbles in as the Chief leaves and mentions that Derek paged her. What, in the twenty seconds it took for the Chief to leave? Derek tells her that he needs her help on something for the Chief. "Can you keep a secret?" he asks. "Better than you think," she answers.
Back with Cristina and Izzie and the endless bags of goo. Cristina wonders aloud just how much fluid the human body can hold and Izzie shushes her. Izzie starts talking to Franklin, but he doesn't respond. She asks him if he's sleeping and he still doesn't respond. She feels at his neck for a pulse and there isn't one, even though his heart monitor is still beeping steadily. Not sure if that's a continuity error or if we're just supposed to fanwank that he isn't actually hooked up to a monitor. Whatever. Cristina hits the code blue button and she and Izzie attempt to revive the man as the resuscitation team pours into the room.
Commercials.
Franklin apparently died during the break, because Cristina and Izzie are discussing why a man would just die like that, without warning. Izzie mentions the blood when the line first went in and worries that the death is their fault. Cristina says they performed a textbook procedure. They check in with Bailey and she gruffly informs them that she checked their chart and they did everything by the book. Izzie thinks they must have missed something, but Bailey assures her that Franklin's death wasn't their fault. Cristina asks when the autopsy is going to be performed and Bailey says there isn't going to be one because the mother and daughter don't want it. Cristina and Izzie are all, but an autopsy would tell us what really happened to him. Bailey's all, they don't want an autopsy. They're all, but we wanna know what was really wrong with him. Bailey's all, THEY DON'T WANT AN AUTOPSY. Now let it GO, you control freaks! She leaves and Cristina and Izzie look at the mother and daughter, sitting across the way.
Derek runs up to Bailey and Meredith and says, "How goes our special super secret silent sunset surgery?" Bailey looks over at Meredith with an expression of, who the fuck IS this guy and Derek goes, "I've been practicing that!" Hee. "You have too much time on your hands," snits Bailey. Double hee. She turns to Mere and tells her to tell the Chief that she'll be there, just let her know where and when. Aw. She loves the Chief! She passes Derek and makes a rude face at him, and he looks over at Meredith like, what's HER problem? They both giggle. Extremely cute moment between all of them, really. Mere asks if he's nervous, and he rattles off all the reasons why he should be nervous (possibly ending a man's career, his mentor's career, nonetheless) and just says, "Oh, no, I'm not nervous."
Uncomfortable with a conversation that's not revolving around her or her sad little love life, Meredith says, "So, just for the record... you'd tell me if I need to get tested, right?" Derek hisses, "You think I have syphilis?" Meredith doesn't think that, but they've never made any rules about monogamy or anything. I mean, hell, they've been screwing for weeks now and she just saw his home for the first time, like, a day ago! She yammers something at him about not blaming him if he was seeing other people and Derek stops in his tracks. "When would I have time to go out and get syphilis?" He's got a point. Meredith really needs to get with the program and remember what I told her about being Derek's extracurricular activity. He's either at the hospital or in her pants, so I'm thinking that if he does have syphilis, then he got it from HER.
"Besides, we're practically a condom ad!" he smiles at her. "But no more glow-in-the-dark ones," she smiles back. Oh, ew. Does anyone really USE those? I mean, anyone NOT in a John Ritter movie? Derek suddenly declares that, um, maybe they should make some rules. Mere visibly glows at this declaration and agrees that they should. They're about two inches from making out in front of everyone, so they wisely move apart. And Derek makes another declaration. He likes the glow-in-the-dark condoms. Mere chortles at him, "I bet you do!" Hee. They are quite adorable when he's not treating her like crap and she's not acting like a doormat. As they separate, Derek's cell phone rings again and again, he looks at it and then deletes the call. Gee. Wonder who THAT could be?
Meanwhile, Bill's busy getting his ovary removed as Burke, Alex, and George look on. The gynecological surgeon doing the operation suddenly hesitates and makes a noise. Burke asks if there's a problem and the doctor asks if it's true that Bill's wife is pregnant. Burke says it is. The doctor tells him that Bill has a blind vas deferens. "Bill is sterile?" says Burke. "And always has been," says the doctor. "Then who got his wife pregnant?" asks George. Everyone kind of looks around and there's a pause. "Oh," says George, getting the picture. "Oh," says Burke. "Sucks to be Bill right now," says Alex, bringing it all into perspective.
After the surgery, Burke is walking ahead of Alex and George as they discuss Bill and how Burke's going to tell him his wife's pregnant with another man's baby. And they're doing this as if Burke isn't a foot in front of them and hearing every word. Alex thinks Burke isn't going to tell, because Burke is a man and men stick together and UGGGAH UGGGAH UGGGAH, because Alex is a fucking caveman. George thinks Burke is going to tell because he has to because all surgeons must be inherently truthful or they grow horns and a tail and speak in tongues, because George is a pussy. Burke finally has enough and turns and says, "I don't remember asking for your opinions, so keep them to yourselves." They both apologize and everyone continues walking. "You're such a gossip!" George says to Alex, smacking him on the shoulder. Heh.
Cristina and Izzie are trying to convince the Franklins to do an autopsy. Mrs. Franklin's on the fence, but Bitchy Alice puts the kibosh on it. "But don't you want to know for certain what killed him?" Cristina asks. "My father was a mean drunk who couldn't hold a job," says Bitchy Alice. "That's what killed him." Izzie tells them that an autopsy might give them closure, and again Mrs. Franklin's wavering in that direction because she says her husband's death was so sudden. Bitchy Alice is all, sudden? He's been killing himself for years! Enough already! No autopsy! Her mom seems to want to remember her husband as a good but flawed man, but there's no way Alice is letting him off that easy. She wants them to get out of this mess with whatever shred of dignity they have left. For the millionth time, NO AUTOPSY.
There's totally going to be an autopsy, y'all.
The Medicine Crüe Hallway of Insecurities. Meredith is listening as Izzie tries to goad Cristina into performing an unauthorized autopsy on Franklin. Izzie seems to think that an autopsy will clear their names. She also seems to be able to read minds because she thinks Mrs. Franklin was secretly sending her the message that she actually WANTS the autopsy. Cristina delivers a screwed-up expression of "Are you fucking serious?" to Izzie. Izzie just reminds Cristina that interns who kill patients get hung with the moniker of "007: License to Kill". "Okay, I'm in," Cristina finally says. Meredith is SO not involved with this. "Meredith, this is Fight Club. Nobody talks about it," says Cristina. She goes on to say that they'll have to do the autopsy when Bailey isn't around. Meredith slyly lets on that Bailey has something from seven to eleven that night, so they'll be the last thing on her mind. Cristina and Izzie are all, the whuh? Who? What? What're you talking about? "Oh, I can't tell you that," says Meredith, sliding off the gurney. "That's Fight Club too." She runs off. Cristina glares at Izzie. "If I'm missing out on a real patient because of this," says Cristina, "they're gonna call me 007 because I've killed YOU."
Derek enters the Chief's Super Secret Surgery Room. The Chief asks Derek and Bailey if they're still under the radar and they confirm that they are. He tries to direct his own surgery, but finally, Derek just good-naturedly makes a comment about how doctors make the worst patients and tells the Chief to suck on some happy gas. He leans down and whispers in the Chief's ear, "I got you covered." Aw. The Chief goes under and we fade to commercials.
"We stole a body," says Izzie as she and Cristina stand over Franklin's corpse. "We're body snatchers. What if somebody from the morgue comes looking for Franklin?" Oh, she is NOT getting cold feet now, is she? It was HER damn idea! Cristina's all, uh, A) it's the middle of the night and B) he's dead; people stop looking for you when you're dead. They get into position for the autopsy, but neither one of them knows how to start. Cristina pulls out a big-ass textbook. "You brought a TEXTBOOK?" Izzie gasps. "Uh, if we're gonna DO this, we're gonna DO IT RIGHT," snaps Cristina. She places the book at his head and starts to cut. Izzie's still fretting. "It's not like we can kill him TWICE," grits Cristina. She continues to cut and Izzie suddenly wants to handle the blade. "You'll GET your TURN," Cristina hisses at her. Izzie = annoying.
The Chief's surgery seemed to go on without incident, because when we catch up to Derek in the OR, he's already closed up the man's scalp with staples and he's saying that they're all done here. He commends everyone on jobs well done and leaves. Meredith and Bailey remain behind to wrap up. Mere wonders if the Chief's optic nerve will be damaged, and Bailey says that, if it is, when he wakes up, he'll be blind forever. She then tells Meredith to page Cristina and Izzie; she wants them to cover Mere's patients so she can stay and monitor the chief. Mere tries to cover for the girls, saying that they're swamped, but Bailey's like, with what? They don't really DO anything around here, so how can they be swamped? Mere says they had to check on some labs and Bailey removes her mask. "Oh, you are LYING. I know you're lying. You know how I know? 'Cause you a bad liar! I hate a bad liar jus--" Suddenly, she stops and looks down at the Chief's body. She knows exactly where Cristina and Izzie are. Nice job, Meredith. You can keep your sick mother a secret from even your closest friends, but an illegal autopsy's too much for you? You need to brush up on your lying skills, girl.
Speaking of lying, Burke's confronting Bill's wife with the truth. "Your whole relationship is a lie!" Bill's wife justifies her actions by saying that they're happy and they've wanted a child for a long time. "Why do you want to take this away from him?" Burke wants to know if Bill knows she's been cheating on him and says that he has a right to know that the baby she's carrying isn't his. She begs him to let this go. He tells her to tell Bill the truth. She says she's not going to ruin her life just because Burke thinks what she's done is wrong. "Your life?" he hisses at her. "What about Bill's life? What about this child's life?" "What Bill doesn't know won't hurt him," she says. Spoken like a woman who's been cheating on her husband and is pregnant by another man. Burke just steps back and gives her a withering look. "Fine. Maybe his friend won't tell him the truth, but I'm also his doctor, and his doctor is not going to lie to him." Awwww, yeah, Pres!
Mere's outside the Chief's recovery room, talking to that lady from her mother's home again. She's apologizing for not being able to be there at the function, but something came up. Ms. Henry says she's just sorry that she couldn't be there for her mother. "Ms. Henry," says Meredith, obviously sick of this woman, "if my mother were lucid, she would understand. She's a surgeon. She's done this countless times. And, besides, she doesn't even know who I am, anyway, so... " "Today she did," says Ms Henry, dropping a poo bomb all over Meredith's nice shiny hair. "What?" says Meredith, stunned. "Your mother's been asking when her daughter Meredith gets off from work." Meredith is at a loss. Derek walks up and gently gooses her. She flinches and hangs up on Ms. Henry without saying goodbye. Derek looks at her phone and says, "Lot of secret phone calls today." Please tell me you're including YOUR OWN secret phone calls in that "lot", you asshole. Meredith seems to consider how much she should tell him. "Yeah, it's my mother," she says. "She isn't traveling. She isn't writing a book. She isn't anything. I've been lying to everyone." Derek looks at her in surprise and asks her why. Meredith takes a deep breath. "She has Alzheimer's." Derek asks how advanced it is, and Meredith says that it's pretty far gone. "She's in a home, and I'm the only one who even knows she's sick. I just don't know what to do anymore, you know?" Derek looks at her with an expression of sweet concern. He touches the side of her face and brushes back her hair and we switch to the Chief's point of view, seeing this little act of affection from his hospital bed. Guess he's not blind, huh?
Back with the Scissor Sisters and the Illegal Autopsy of Possibly Alcoholic Patients, Izzie and Cristina are still digging around in Franklin's body cavity when Bailey enters. "Don't EVEN tell me you're doing what I think you're doing!" Well, if you think they're performing an illegal autopsy, then you're right. If, however, you think they're making a delicious trifle with lady fingers and amaretto and fresh, juicy berries, and whipped cream with just a hint of sugar, then you're wrong. Izzie's all, ummmm. Cristina's all, ummmm. Bailey's all, WHERE'S MY TRIFLE? Also, not only did you go against the family's wishes, you broke the law! You could be arrested for assault!
"Do you like jail?" she hollers at them. "The hospital could be sued! I could lose my license, my job! I like my job! Did you think about any of this before you started cutting open a poor man's body?" Before either of the girls can answer, Bailey practically throws herself over the table. "I could seriously kick both your asses right now!" Hee. I love when she goes on a rant. "Well? Do you have anything to say?" Izzie just reaches over and grabs a hunk of meat out of the scale. "Look at his heart," she says, holding the heart up high. "It's HUUUUGE!" says Bailey. Izzie says it weighs over 600 grams and there's some sort of grainy material in it. They want to run some tests. Bailey's all, OH NOW YOU WANT TO RUN SOME TESTS? Cristina thinks that, at this point, it couldn't hurt. "Ohhhhh," says Bailey, licking her lips in fury, "I hate both of you right now." Tee hee hee.
Meredith goes to check on the Chief. "Meredith?" he says in a low voice. "He's an attending. You're an intern." "You saw us?" she squeaks. "You can see!" She ignores the fact that he just caught her in a romantic moment with her inappropriate boyfriend and steps over to check out his eyes. "I'm going to tell you what your mother would say if she were here," says the Chief. "You're making a mistake. A big one." Meredith says she's not making a mistake.
Bailey, Cristina and Izzie are giving the news to Bitchy Alice and her mother. Bitchy Alice is royally pissed that they went ahead and did an autopsy anyway. "We're gonna get an attorney," she snits. "We know what killed him," offers Cristina. "He had a blood condition known as hemochromatosis. The disease causes an excess amount of iron to build up in the body and that's what caused the heart failure. Not the paracentesis." Bitchy Alice is confused. She thought her father was always sick because of the drinking. "And you never let him forget it," says her mother. "Or me." Izzie pipes up that the disease is genetic, so there's a chance that Alice could have it. A simple blood test would clear up the question. If she has it, they may have caught it in time to treat it before it becomes critical. "Dr. Stevens and Dr. Yang may have saved your life," says Bailey with a glare in their direction. "If you could just... sign this consent form for the autopsy... " Bailey slides over the form and Mrs. Franklin immediately signs it. Izzie and Cristina share a little smile.
"The thing people forget," says Mere's VO, "is how good it can feel when you finally set secrets free." George looks on as Burke tells Bill about his wife's infidelity. "Whether good or bad," continues the VO, "at least they're out in the open, like it or not." Later, down in the Medicine Crüe Locker Room, George is hunched over on a bench, contemplating his red and itchy dirty parts. Olivia enters and George starts to apologize for his horrific reading of "How to Tell your Girl you Gots da Syph." Olivia cuts him off and tells him that when they started dating, she was already kind of seeing someone else. She wasn't sure how much she'd like him, so she kept this other guy around as an alternate. When she realized how much she liked George, she broke it off. George is still stuck on the whole "other guy" portion of her story. "Who's the other guy?" Olivia just kind of looks up and behind George. He turns and the only person behind him is Alex. George laughs. "You and Alex?" Olivia just purses her lips. George loses his sense of humor. "YOU AND ALEX?!" George is up and at Alex's throat in a flash. "YOU GAVE ME SYPHILIS?!"
He starts beating the shit out of Alex, but all the girls pull them apart. Cristina holds off George and Mere tries to hold off Alex, although, really, she weighs about as much as an arm tattoo, so I really fail to see how she's strong enough to hold him back. Izzie gets between everyone and tells Alex to back off. Alex just rubs his tagged nose and glares at George as Cristina tries to put his weapons of fury away. "Once your secrets are out in the open," says Mere's VO as we see McDreamy sitting in the lobby, waiting for her, "you don't have to hide behind them anymore." She walks up to him and they commiserate about the long day they've had and how there's a steak and a bottle of wine out there with Mere's name on them. "This is why I keep you around," she grins at him. "So we need to talk," says Derek. "Wine first, talk later," says Mere. Okay, Mere. But just remember that later when you bitch at Derek for never telling you anything; he was just ABOUT to tell you something BIG and you wanted to get DRUNK first. "You trying to get me drunk so you can take advantage of me?" quips McDreamy. She laughs and says she thinks she likes this rules thing they're trying out.
They put on their coats and he fixes her collar. In the distance, we see a tall woman stop and turn to look at them. She's placed directly between them, you know, so we immediately notice that she's COMING BETWEEN THEM. Derek picks up his bag and they turn to exit and he stops and sees the woman. She's a gorgeous redhead dressed all in black and she has quite a snarly expression on her face. She swaggers directly over to them. Derek turns to Meredith. "Meredith, I am so sorry." "The problem with secrets is," continues the VO, "even when you think you're in control... " Snarly McRedhead steps up and swings her hip into her hand like it's a gun and her hand's the holster. "Addison," says Derek with a hint of animosity. "What are you doing here?" "Well, you'd know," she sneers, "if you'd bothered to return any one of my phone calls." She turns to Meredith. "Hi. I'm Addison Shepherd." ["Yeah she is! Woo!" -- Joe R] She holds out her hand and Meredith takes it. "Shepherd?" is all she can manage. Addison releases her hand and points a snarky finger at Meredith's chest. "And you must be the woman who's been screwing my husband." The camera swoops in and closes in on Meredith's stunned and hurt expression. D'oh!
Ladies and gentlemen, this concludes our special Season One programming. Please tune in shortly for all sorts of bitchy goodness in Season Two and, hopefully, in Season Three!