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Like every episode ever done where a show imagines, "What if black was white and white was black?" the characters all start out as opposites of who they really are but by the end seem on their way to falling into the lives we already know. Meredith shoots tequila. And... scene.
Okay, okay, I'll give you some details. Meredith goes to bed thinking about how people say that life works out the way it is supposed to, and that causes her to have a crazy dream about what her life would be like if her mom was still alive, Chief of Surgery, and married to Richard -- who got together with Ellis so far back in Meredith's life that Mere's last name is Webber and she calls him, "Dad." Mere wears pink and is perky and wants to go into cardio, and seems to have a decent relationship with Ellis. Oh, and she just got engaged to a Buddy-Holly-glasses-wearing version of Alex, who is the peppy Chief Resident. Her Person is April, and everyone is scared of Cristina and they all make a lot of mean cracks about how she somehow managed to drive Burke out of the state when their relationship ended. It sounds like April had a thing for Alex but she assures Mere she's happy for her about the engagement.
As for the rest of the staff: Derek and Addison are still married, and she is about to have a baby. Everyone thinks that they are the picture of a perfect marriage. But Derek hasn't published or run any clinical trials, and his nickname among the residents is, "McDreary." His hair is much more limp than usual, so we know it's fitting. As they day goes on we realize that the two of them are miserable together and that Derek spends all of his nights sleeping alone in his trailer on the land where he wants to build a house one day. Callie is in cardio and is married to none other than Owen, and they have three kids. He is having massive PTSD issues but somehow has managed to convince Callie that he's getting over them. When he flips out and punches his fist into a window, Cristina bandages him up and it turns out she's been doing this for a while, but keeping it secret. He doesn't want Callie to know because she'll leave him and take the kids because she's scared he will hurt them, but Cristina wisely points out that he should probably be nervous about that, too. It's the only real emotion we see from her as otherwise she seems to be an angry, unpleasant loner. Callie winds up on a case with Arizona and they fight about the kid's treatment and seem to hate each other but when everything winds up working out, they seem to have a little spark as they hug and talk about going out for a celebratory drink sometime.
Bailey is nothing like the Bailey we know now but is instead the meek "Mandy" Bailey that we've seen in her first-year flashbacks. She has a surgery that Ellis steals out from under her -- Ellis just won her third Harper Avery and wants to do her fancy award-winning procedure on Bailey's patient. What she doesn't realize is that the guy has complications that mean the procedure isn't ideal, but Bailey is too meek to tell Ellis this herself. She tells Alex instead, but he doesn't pass it along and when Ellis realizes the problem (mid-surgery, with a gallery full of journalists watching), she gets so angry about being made to look dumb in front of the press that she fires Bailey. Or rather, she has Richard fire Bailey.
Oh, and the shooting never happened, so Charles is alive and well and working at the hospital, but instead of pining after Reed, he seems to have the hots for April. (Who is still a virgin in this universe.) (Or so we think.) Jackson is working the ER when a convulsing junkie is brought in mid-overdose, who turns out to be Lexie. Or "Lucy Ball," as she calls herself. Lexie admits to Jackson that she has a half-sister who works there but they have never met and she won't tell Jackson who it is. Instead, she swipes Jackson's security badge and uses it to steal a bunch of drugs before she sneaks out. The problem with doing a bunch more drugs after you've just OD'd is that it's probably going to happen again; it does, and a nice stranger rushes her back to the ER. That good-looking stranger turns out to be Mark.
In an effort to impress her mother after Ellis lays a huge guilt trip on Mere for not focusing enough on surgery, Meredith uses her position as the Chief's daughter to get in on a case with Cristina. Cristina is livid and tries to get her thrown back off, but as she bursts into Alex's office to yell at him about it she finds Alex and April passionately making out and trying to rip off each others' clothes. Cristina winds up doing the procedure with Meredith and the two bicker the entire time; when a complication arises they disagree on what to do and Cristina finally just takes over, sticks her hands in the guy's chest when Mere isn't looking, and fixes the problem. In the locker room afterward, with tensions running high among all of the residents, Mere insults her and makes a comment about Burke, so Cristina shoots back at her the fact that her man and her bestie are hooking up. Alex decides to go cry in the elevator and that's where the freshly-fired Bailey finds him while she's on her way out. The experience seems to have given her a new perspective and she pretty much tells him to suck it up and do what he needs to do to get his life in order. We know that Mandy has just started transforming into Miranda.
Mere goes to Richard, crying and humiliated about the Alex/April thing, and he is trying to comfort her when her mom comes by and tells her that she heard what happened. Mere is shocked until she realizes that Ellis is referring to what happened in the surgery, and after Ellis starts to lecture her Mere finally gets fed up from all of the pressure she's feeling and starts unleashing what is clearly years of pent-up rage towards her mom. Ellis goes crying to Richard later about how she only wants the best for Mere and doesn't know how to talk to her, and he says he'll take care of it. But when he goes to do so, Mere yells at him that she's not letting him make nice on her mom's behalf yet again. She yells that Ellis wants to make everyone around her ordinary, and she has definitely done that to Richard.
Mere is getting ready to leave when she finds Cristina working on "Lucy Ball" in the ER and Mere asserts that they have to crack her chest after her heart stops and all seems lost. After a lot of work the two of them get it beating again, and they seem to have a moment of understanding. They then go to Joe's, where Cristina teaches Mere how to do a tequila shot. After they have a brief bonding moment Cristina heads home, and Mere is left sitting to Derek, who is dejected after just being informed by Addison that Mark is the father of her baby. The two decide to just be a boy and a girl in a bar doing shots for one evening and the rest, as they say, is history.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Adoption people will tell you that it was meant to be with the baby you adopt, according to Mere's VO. We see her kissing Zola, who is in her PJ's while VO Mere muses that she likes that idea but she thinks everything else in life seems to be the result of just a random series of events. She starts to wonder all of the "What ifs" that start off a show's Weird Parallel Universe Episode that I'm convinced takes place if you leave something on the air long enough. Cristina and Owen both look miserable, both wide awake at night, in bed, as far from each other as they can get without falling off of the edge. The Chief is having an equally tragic evening as he finds a confused Adele in the kitchen and gently leads her back to bed. Callie and Arizona are much happier than that, cuddled up together, sound asleep, while Mere wonders if she'd never have found her true love if she'd chosen a different path for herself. She wonders about her upbringing; about her mom and what might have been if she hadn't gotten sick; about what her life would have been like with a good dad. She puts Zola down to bed, smiles at her sleeping, perfectly-coiffed husband, and falls asleep with all of these questions tumbling around in her head. I don't know about you, but I'm sure that if things had gone differently that would be the end of that and this show would never have reason to exist. That's totally going to be the point of this hour, right?
The morning, Mere wakes up in the same clothes and with her hair in the same waves as the night before. Once she gets downstairs, however, she's got her hair as straight as a pin and is wearing a bubblegum-pink button-up shirt underneath a cardigan in the same shade. I'm just going to say it: she's a little long in the tooth for this whole look. I think we're supposed to find her bright and cheery and fresh but it's somehow making her skin look a little bit rough. And this is not a knock on Ellen Pompeo, who I think has been looking amazing these past couple of seasons -- better than in the entire series until now, in fact. It's just that this look is that horrible. It's like if I tried to wear something in dusty rose after growing out my bangs. The effect would be that I'd look like I had consumption. Someone had been calling her from downstairs and that someone turns out to be... Ellis. Who is alive and alert and asks Mere if she wants a ride to work or is going with her father. Just then, Richard walks up and gives his "darling" Ellis a kiss good morning, chiming in that he heard his name. So in this strange, pink, backwards Seattle -- Elttaes, if you will -- Richard and Ellis got together early enough that Mere actually calls him "Dad." As Ellis leaves she reminds them to be on time so they don't set a bad example.
At the hospital, the docs all gather around a table for a staff meeting, and the first major change we notice is that Addison is there, very pregnant, and still married to Derek; the two of them smile and laugh as he helps her sit down. Bailey has the long braided hairdo we saw in her first year flashbacks.
Callie rushes down the hall pushing blonde twin toddlers in a stroller while their older sister walks alongside; Callie tells the girl to sit and wait while she goes in to the meeting. She doesn't like this much but she does like when her daddy Owen shows up. Hmm, I didn't guess that little twist in Elttaes. They have a mildly tense conversation because he's shocked that she has them there for a meeting, while Callie points out that if Ellis is going to schedule a meeting before daycare opens, she has no choice. The two then sweep into Ellis' office and join the others.
Bailey doesn't just have her first-year braids, she has her first-year nerves even though she is an attending. Ellis launches right in, saying she thinks they can absorb Seattle Presbyterian just like they did Mercy West. Won't this city be down to one fictional hospital? What will people across town do? And what is this fictional hospital inside a fictional show going to be called? Elttaes Grace Mercy West Presbyterian? I suppose then it's good there will just be one hospital in town since no one will be able to remember that entire name. Addie then pipes up to congratulate Ellis on her third Harper Avery, and Ellis is very bad at acting modest or shy. After letting them fawn all over her she does admit that there will be press there to talk to her that day. She then goes around the table asking the doctors what they have going on. When Derek says his one surgery, she mocks him for not having more than that and then reminds everyone, "If you're not innovating, be generating!" Derek gives a very tight smile. Elttaes Callie is head of cardio, and she has Cristina doing a solo procedure while she handles a kid with an artificial lung who is waiting for a transplant. Arizona pipes up to state for the record that she doesn't agree with this method of treatment and the two bicker a while until Ellis sides with Callie declares it's great because it is innovative, which should be an example to Derek. Hmm, I wonder if somehow the adversarial relationship between the two women might come around and evolve into something else? That would be surprising.
Bailey is so meek that when it is her turn she talks into the table and needs to be told to speak up. Callie and Owen's daughter starts to act up outside so he runs out to get her and Bailey tells Ellis she is performing a whipple -- which just so happens to be the procedure for which Ellis won a Harper Avery. After having Bailey answer a couple of questions, Ellis tells her she's taking it. Bailey is shocked but Ellis ignores her, which isn't the hardest thing to do even when you're not a she-beast of a Chief. As Addie gives her schedule for the day, Richard tries to assure Bailey that this isn't personal, and Ellis probably just wants to take her mind off all of the hoopla surrounding her award. Sure. And Michael Phelps wanted to swim a few cool-down laps instead of going to another Olympics medal ceremony.
In the locker room, April is gasping over Mere's ring finger, which shows the fruit of her engagement the night before. Mere asks if she is okay and says she knew it would be hard for her but April assures her it's fine. It seems that there was never a shooting in Elttaes, because Charles is alive and well and seems to be pining after April now though she's not interested. Mere tells April that she's the first person to know after Mere's parents because April is her "person." April assures Mere -- maybe a little too much -- that she is thrilled, and says that maybe they will become the Shepherds. Mere starts to tell April the story of how he asked, but they are interrupted when the door opens and "Ruby Blue" starts playing. In Elttaes, Cristina's song is the very song that accompanied her burst fallopian tube from her ectopic pregnancy in Seattle. This Cristina also has flat-ironed hair, in addition to some bangs. Oh, and the resident scrubs here are grey, and the women have special girly-cut scrubs with more of a scoop neck rather than just wearing the same ones as the guys. Who knew Ellis would be so fond of distinguishing the genders? Jackson tries to wish Cristina good morning and she bites his head off; Cristina warns him not to feed the animals. So, it's Cristina with the attitude we know and love but without the humanity she has gained from her friendship with Mere.
But if Cristina is just a more concentrated version of her Seattle self, Alex is instead his complete and utter opposite. He walks in wearing a purple polo shirt and some Buddy Holly glasses and proceeds to be the team cheerleader. In a way it's his job since he appears to be Chief Resident, but peppy team leader Alex is almost frightening. April tells them she's on "Good" Shepherd's service that day (for now we have to guess who that is) while Charles is delighted that he's on "Bad" Shepherd's service and can use this as an awkward entry to try to flirt some more with April. As the others leave, Alex asks Dr. Webber (!!) if she can stay behind and once he and Meredith are alone, they start making out in earnest. They are all gooey about their engagement but Alex is especially interested in hearing how Ellis reacted and seems thrilled when Mere assures him that she was happy and she loves him. Oh lordy, as she lifts her hand we see that she's wearing a pink watch, too. It's like she's taking style tips from Barbie. The two flirt about how he was a jerk before he met her, but she knew there was a good guy inside. I'm sure that in Elttaes, he's not got a self-destructive streak buried deep inside like he does in the real world.
As the meeting breaks up, the Shepherds kiss each other goodbye, and Owen takes the kids to daycare. Once Callie and Addie are alone in all their long, gorgeous, wavy-haired (seriously, I didn't realize I missed Callie's really long hair until she showed up looking exceptional here) and red-lipped glory, Addie comments on how good Owen is with the kids and asks how he's doing. Callie isn't entirely convincing as she tells Addie that he's okay, and, "I think we're past it." Ladies and gentlemen, I present a textbook case of someone trying to lie to herself. Addie agrees that it's hard to come back and points out that they have no idea what happened "over there" so we know this Owen was a soldier in Iraq and still has PTSD. He also has a buddy named Teddy who has been helping him cope via Skype, and Callie doesn't question that Teddy is of course a dude. She tells Addie that there hasn't been another "episode" since "that one." We don't know if Owen choked her or what, but it sounds bad and Callie tries way too hard to assure Addie that they are over. Addie is too caught up in her own problems to notice just how hard Callie is gritting her teeth and Callie excitedly talks to her about the baby, and how she and Derek will be fine, because they are the perfect couple! As she walks away, Addie's face falls. So, as Joe Reid so aptly pointed out, red lipstick is a symbol of emotional troubles and self-denial.
Richard is talking to Derek, trying to assure him that what Ellis meant by cutting him off at the knees during the meeting is just that she wants him to use his full potential. And she has Richard to serve as her PR lackey, smoothing all of her rough edges with her underlings. Mere walks up as Richard reminds Derek that he used to talk about doing a clinical trial, but Derek grumps that he has no time with a baby on the way. Richard tries to press that he should think about it, and then walks away. After some uncomfortable moments waiting for the elevator, where Meredith brightly says hello and he actually just grunts back at her, he declares the elevator to be broken and leaves. She gripes about him being an ass and walks off the other way. We know the elevator is just HEARTbroken because it hasn't had the chance to host the emotional hills and valleys of the Saga of Derek and Meredith.
Jackson is working the ER with Owen, and they are called into action when a dreadlocked, heavily tattooed, female cokehead is brought in mid-OD, unconscious and convulsing. They need to shock her to get her heart working and then move her on to the bed, and when the camera pans to her face -- featuring multiple piercings -- we are all shocked to see that this is Lexie.
Mere walks up to talk to her mom and sees her holding court in front of the press, telling them that they will get to see her use the Grey Technique during a surgery later, which will be better than some boring interview. Mere beams with pride and then asks Ellis if she could scrub in and see the magic firsthand. But while Ellis loves the adoration of her colleagues and public, she seems to have no use for it in her daughter and thinks that if her focus is cardio (!!) she needs to be doing a cardio surgery. She brings up that Cristina is doing a solo surgery and Mere defends that it came in overnight or else she would have gotten it. With quite a bite in her voice Ellis reminds Mere that she was "busy" getting engaged instead but now that that is over, what does she want to do? You know, now that her pesky personal life is out of the way. She pointedly asks Mere if she should ask Callie to give her the surgery and Mere immediately assures her she can get Cristina's surgery all on her own, which is just what her mother was trying to have happen all along.
Alex is supposed to be doing the whipple procedure with Bailey and he goes and starts rah-rahing about how stoked she must be. She mumbles a response and finally he hears her admit that it was taken away from them. Alex calls her "Mandy" as he chides her, much to her chagrin. Apparently he has tried to coach her before to not let people walk all over her, but it seems that hasn't really stuck. However, when he finds out that Ellis is the one now doing the surgery, he changes his tune and excitedly tries to figure out how they can get on the case to assist. He asks if Mandy remembers their saying, and when she says no he asserts, "We create our own destiny." She doesn't seem to excited at the prospect.
When Lexie finally wakes up, she's dismayed to see that she's in a hospital and just had to have her heart restarted. When Jackson asks for a name she thinks he's going to turn her in, and he tells her that he just needs a way to keep her urine samples straight from everyone else's. She decides to be funny and tells him her name is "Lucille Ball." Jackson promises to get her all worked up and on her way. She then asks where she is and when she hears it is Elttaes grace, she gives a groaning, painful laugh. Hey, it's the reaction I'd probably have, though I imagine for a different reason since Elttaes Grace is supposedly the number one hospital in the country.
"Good" Shepherd, it turns out, is Addison -- it's not totally surprising given Derek's main method of communication appears to be monosyllabic grunting. April is trying to deliver a baby but things are going wrong, and Addie rushes in to help. She then calls for them to prepare for an emergency c-section, and has someone page Derek.
Callie and Arizona are dealing with their own emergency -- their young patient has blood all over his clothes and Arizona is freaked out. The kid actually seems totally fine, but it turns out something went wrong and Arizona had to unhook him from his artificial lung. Callie's not bothered and says they'll just go back in and hook him back up, but Arizona thinks that is too dangerous, and the two start to argue again which is super appropriate in front of the kid's mother. But Callie then notices his stats and points out to Arizona that they are crazy good, better than they've been in his life. They run a quick test and his lung function seems amazing, and Callie finally admits to the mom that he might not need a transplant now. His mom dissolves into a happy freakout and hugs Callie, and an ecstatic Arizona then hugs her too, joking that she might love her. It all seems totally natural on Arizona's part and just a happy reaction to a kid's life getting exponentially better, but during the hug Callie has a funny look on her face like she might have twinges of Feelings She Doesn't Understand.
Bailey's patient is confused and not really happy to hear that Bailey is no longer doing his surgery. She tries to stutter through an explanation but is getting nowhere and Alex finally steps in and tells him it's a huge upgrade for the Chief of Surgery to do his procedure, like going from a dependable Honda Civic to a Jaguar. I once saw a man driving down the freeway with flames shooting out of the bottom of his Jaguar, so for me personally this isn't the most confidence-inspiring example. Ellis then swoops in to introduce herself and fast-talks through lots of medical jargon as she tells him what is happening. This includes the fact that instead of using his jugular vein to create a graft like Bailey was going to do, she's going to use something else that will cause less scarring. She tells them it's nice to meet them, and swoops back out, leaving them gaping and no clearer than before about what is going on. Alex manages to catch Ellis at the door and asks if he can scrub in; she tells him she'd be happy to have him. After Ellis leaves, Bailey is looking at the guy's chart and seems very worried about something, so she excuses herself.
Cristina has been called down as the cardio consult to talk to Lexille, and she tells her that due to the massive amounts of coke she's done, she now needs a pacemaker. She then helpfully gives her a brochure that describes the procedure, and leaves. Jackson assumes that Lexille's got no health insurance and asks if there's anyone he can call to help her out, which is just a way for us to learn that her parents are both dead. He asks her how they died -- so he can get some medical history -- and she says her mom died from a stomach issue while her dad killed herself. I am not a Thatcher fan, but that's sad. Though not entirely unbelievable. She then chuckles kind of sadistically and admits she has a half-sister who actually works at the hospital. When Jackson finally realizes she's not kidding he asks her who it is but she won't tell him; she explains that they have never met and she's pretty sure her sister wouldn't (or shouldn't) want to meet her.
Derek and Charles arrive at the OR in response to Addie's page and find that she's delivering a baby with a massive tumor in its neck. Charles exclaims out loud so of course the mom hears and starts to panic about not being able to see her baby. April tries to assure her that she's got an amazing team of doctors, and they hand the baby over so that they can get to work.
Bad Shepherd is looking at films when Addie arrives and he berates her for taking too long; she explains, exhausted (seemingly both from just performing emergency surgery and fighting all the time with her husband) that she had to make sure the mom didn't bleed out before she left. I'd consider that a good thing. In addition to the women having odd girly scrubs, everyone has scrub caps with a funny little puff on top and contrasting trim. It makes it even harder to take Derek and his martyrdom seriously. He's super antagonistic as they talk about the baby's surgery and Addie finally sighs that she's sorry he now has to spend the day with his wife. Maturely, he walks away, and she just calls after him that it's a beautiful day to save lives. See, in Elttaes, that's not his catchphrase, but rather something else for him to grunt at.
Mere finds Richard and tells him that she has to steal a surgery from Cristina; he matter-of-factly points out that she is stealing surgeries from people all the time. Mere complains that Ellis doesn't want her watching her surgery and Richard responds with a story, ever the good PR rep. He reminds Meredith about a time when she crashed her bike, and how her mom made her get back on and then she learned to ride it. He tells her that Ellis just wants her to succeed. I've been with someone for whom you are always apologizing or rationalizing and it's exhausting. Richard has to be feeling some strain at this point in his life, even if from the outside he seems calm as a cucumber and like a relaxed, supportive dad. He offers Mere a spot in his own surgery but although she loves the idea (see, she's interested in a variety of things other than cardio -- almost as if she should have pursued general surgery!) she figures she better not, and then takes a moment to rest her head on his shoulder.
Cristina is in the cafeteria, practicing sutures on a banana during lunch. All of the other residents are gathered a couple of tables away, staring and gossiping about how she never eats with anyone else but that's what she gets for sleeping with an attending. Jackson makes a crack about April's virginity but Mere sticks up for her and shuts him up, and the conversation goes back to Cristina and Burke. No one really knows what happens, but Meredith jokes that whatever happened was so bad, Burke wound up leaving the state. Alex jokes that this is why he doesn't mess with "crazy chicks," not realizing that his real-life self seems to go for nothing but. They bring up Izzie and when Jackson asks who that is, explain how she dated a patient and then stole a heart for him. But in Elttaes, Mere then turned Izzie in to Ellis and got her fired. Jackson asks who else didn't make it from their class and Alex mentions George, who failed his intern exams and was never heard from again. So, at least presumably George is still alive in Elttaes, and I like to hope he's happy. Mere finally screws up her courage, and stands up so she can get back on her bike.
Bailey is wearing an awful turtleneck in shades of green which makes her look just like a turtle about to hide its face away from the rest of the world. She's telling Callie all about why Ellis' surgical plan won't work due to problems with the guy's vein. She seems too scared to talk to Ellis, though, and just wants assurance from Callie that Ellis will read the patient's chart before cutting him open. Callie is less interested in Bailey's problem than in who Arizona is eating lunch with, and Bailey tells her that the random lady is a cardio surgeon. Callie muses that she liked ortho but when Bailey asks her why she didn't pursue it, Callie points out that you don't have a choice when Ellis Grey tells you that you are good at cardio. Man, to enter Elttaes you obviously have to turn in your spine to Ellis at the door. Mere then walks up -- turns out she wasn't going to go face Cristina so much as she was going to whine to Callie that she should do the surgery since Cristina has already done this particular procedure more times than she has. Callie knows this and isn't inclined to budge until Meredith plays the Mommy Card. Since we've just established that Callie does all of Ellis' bidding, she tells Mere that she and Cristina can do the surgery together. Once Meredith leaves, she admits that she'll do whatever Ellis wants and that by sharing the surgery, she at least doesn't have to kick Cristina off the case because Cristina scares her.
Lexille is stuffing medical supplies into her bag, about to bolt, when Jackson catches her and does the worst Ricky Ricardo impression in all of history. He implores her that if she doesn't have this pacemaker put in, she'll die. He offers to explain the procedure to her but she recites all of the details from the brochure and explains while he gapes that she has a photographic memory. He thinks this is an awesome reason for her to go to med school, and she laughs in his face. He presses her, insisting that this could be her glorious second chance -- to become a doctor, meet her sister, and gain a new family, and all that starts with fixing her heart. Instead of mocking him she starts to cry and leans in to him, and he really awkwardly tries to hug her with the least amount of actual physical contact possible.
Cristina is eating her banana when she walks by the surgical board and sees that her surgery is now assigned to both Yang and Webber; infuriated, she storms away.
She storms right into Alex's office, already yelling at him as she opens the door, demanding to know why Mere is now assisting. Her voice trails off, though, when she sees Alex and April engaged in some heavy making out and groping. She just chuckles to herself and saunters out as they watch her in horror.
Alex runs after her as he pulls on his shirt, begging her not to tell anyone. He's forgotten his glasses and without those but with the desperation in his voice, this is the Alex we know. Cristina just wants to use it to get her surgery back, and she doesn't flinch when Alex tries to threaten that he'll make sure she never gets time in an OR again. She knows she holds all the cards, and she orders Alex to take Mere off of her surgery. Alex tells her that it was Callie's decision, so she turns and goes to find her instead.
As the Shepherds work on the baby, Addison tells Derek she wants him to meet with someone from a preschool. Derek gets pissed, but it's not because of the ludicrous notion of having to get your baby into school before they are born (oh yes, I am fully aware that this is totally a real thing, by the way, as I've had friends go through it -- I just find it nuts that this is the world we live in) but because he's Derek, and he's an ass, and he doesn't want to do anything family-related much less talk about it in front of colleagues. She blows up at him that they have to talk now because he's never home, spending every night in his trailer on the land where she's convinced he's never really going to build a house. So, it's just as uncomfortable to be a scrub nurse in Elttaes as it is in Seattle, having to witness ugly personal clashes while you work. When something goes wrong with the baby they yell at each other some more, and Addie finally tells him to focus on his part of the surgery and she'll take care of hers.
Bailey walks in to the scrub room where Alex is getting ready for Ellis' surgery, and she asks him for a favor. He's clearly not in the mood, having just been caught with his pants (almost) down, but Bailey has built up her courage and forges ahead, explaining that the veins Ellis wants to use for this surgery aren't suitable for grafting. Alex is appalled that she's just bringing this up now, and tells her that this isn't his patient so he won't be the one to tell Ellis Grey she's wrong. Bailey just whisper-asks for confirmation that she read the chart, clinging to that notion like a lifeline though she obviously knows it's not going to save her. Alex tells her Ellis knows what she is doing, but Bailey just calls after him to tell her. Unfortunately for Bailey, we all know that is never happening.
Jackson runs after Cristina, hounding her because she hasn't yet put in Lexille's pacemaker. She just ignores him and finds Owen, demanding to know where Callie is. Jackson decides to try tattling on her for not doing the procedure but Cristina maintains she's not giving up her fancy surgery, "to put a pacemaker in a junkie." Owen is growing increasingly frustrated with their arguing and when Cristina tries to order him to pass a message to Callie, he hauls back and sends his fist through a window in front of all of the ER staff and patients. Cristina just silently follows him into the exam room whose window he just destroyed and grabs some bandages, starting to patch him up. She tells him he's not going to need stitches this time (so this is not her first rodeo, it seems) and tells him she thought he was getting better, or is he going to hit another intern? Ah, so that is Elttaes' equivalent of the Choking Incident. Owen just asks her why she doesn't go ahead and report him, and they have a deep, soul-searching long stare at each other before she tells him it's because she is a doctor. That makes no sense, but fine. Owen asks her rather pathetically not to tell Callie, which seems to be Cristina's last straw: she tells him he can finish up, and leaves for her surgery.
The gallery for Ellis' OR is chock-full of reporters wielding cameras, and as she and Alex work she asks him where he and Mere might want to have the wedding. When he tentatively says they love the idea of a destination wedding in Hawaii she laughs in his face, points out that she could never leave the hospital to do that, and then announces that she'll book a particular club for them and it will be lovely. This is a woman who has literally never once not gotten her way. Alex pathetically exclaims that will be great. She then gets a good look at the veins and as Bailey warned Alex, they are totally unusable. But this kind of thing doesn't happen to Ellis Grey -- she demands angrily if Alex knew about this and he doesn't hesitate before lying that he didn't. She then looks at her audience in the gallery before adjusting her surgical plan. With a voice that cuts like a razor, she orders someone to page Bailey.
Callie -- having not learned her lesson in this universe about keeping an eye on her residents -- is reading a magazine while Mere and Cristina snipe at each other over the patient about the best way to do the surgery. Cristina wants to do one way because it's cooler, while Mere wants to do something less invasive. Callie snaps at them to pull themselves together and finally they each ask for a blade to start.
Owen, his hand bandaged, walks up to Avery and demands where he has been; the nervous step back Avery takes before answering says that he might have been the one at the receiving end of Owen's PTSD rage before. He says that he's taking Lexille to get her pacemaker. Owen informs him that someone stole a bunch of drugs and that they did it with his ID badge; Avery looks down, finds it missing, and sprints off to Lexille's bed. When he pulls open the curtain she is of course gone, and he can only mar his pretty features with a scowl.
Once Bailey is in the OR, Ellis reads her the riot act while Bailey quietly stammers answers in return, asking if Ellis read the chart. Ellis snaps that she did but that the cart didn't say that the patient was in this bad a shape. Bailey quietly says that was why she had chosen to use the jugular in the procedure. Alex just stares intently at his work rather than at the women. Ellis is so mad she almost has cartoon steam whistling out of her ears. As Alex works he then gets hit with a spray of blood and admits he might have nicked the carotid artery -- yet another thing going wrong in front of the press. Ellis is beside herself and tells them that they are trying to kill her.
After their surgery is over, Addie asks Derek if he got all of the baby's tumor and he nearly bites her head off at what seems like a rather reasonable question. She explains that she's asking just so she knows what to tell the mom, and Derek condescendingly replies that he'll go ahead and talk to the mom himself. She asks him about the preschool but instead of answering he announces that he's going to stay late to work on his clinical trial idea. It's very obviously just something he realizes will let him avoid his wife and she calls him on it, but then passive aggressively says that maybe he'll find her more interesting when the baby arrives. He mocks her for thinking that the baby will improve things between the two of them and she finally demands to know if he even wanted the baby, and if he loves her. He claims he did want the baby but can't lift his gaze from the floor to look her in the eye as he claims to love her. She knows a bad lie when she hears one. He uses the great cop-out line that he "can't do this," and storms out, and we see that Charles has had a front-row view of the whole argument from the other side of the window.
Callie is still flipping through her magazine but looks up long enough to yell at her charges that they have three minutes left before this poor, unsuspecting patient's organs start dying. The girls bicker some more until Cristina finishes up something or other and they can put him back on bypass. Then Meredith notices that he's got a leak somewhere, and can't believe Cristina when she says she will find it by feel. Meredith -- proving that she's spent too long relying on her mom to bail her out of tough situations -- whines to Callie who finally admits that Mere's suggested method is safer, so that's what they should do. Cristina reluctantly takes her hands out of the guy's chest and Mere starts to fiddle slowly with her instruments, which gives Cristina a split second to shove her hands back inside and, while Meredith shrieks, to find the leak and take care of it.
Even though he was the one who walked away from the conversation earlier, Derek is now looking for Addie and is acting so entitled about it that he walks up to Ellis and demands to know if she has seen her. He has underestimated his opponent. She shoots back that she just saw "Good" Shepherd and that she threatened to quit. When Derek tries to say there are two sides to every story she informs him she doesn't care, and that he has been nothing but a disappointment. There is a nurse sitting behind the desk, directly in between the two of them -- you know she's at her computer, head down, furiously instant messaging a friend all, "YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT IS HAPPENING IN FRONT OF ME!" I am no fan of Ellis in general but I do love seeing someone firmly put Derek in his place. She tells him that the residents have an unflattering nickname for him, he's basically a waste of space since he doesn't teach or publish, and that if it comes down to a choice between Shepherds he's totally not going to be the winner.
Charles walks in to the locker room and tells the gang that they don't want to be the Shepherds, after all. Meredith ignores him -- this seems to happen a lot to the poor guy -- because she's too busy indignantly recounting what Cristina pulled in the OR. Cristina then walks in just in time to hear April say she's dangerous but rather than blow up, she smiles and informs them how well her patient is now doing. Mere tells her she had no business doing what she did, and the two start to argue again about who was right, with Meredith pointing out that Callie sided with her about the technique. Man, her mom really has made her a gutless wonder who runs and hides behind what authority figures think is best. Cristina basically calls Callie Ellis' puppet, so Mere decides to get personal and tells Cristina that they'd be working under Burke if she hadn't driven him away. Everyone seems uncomfortable at this low blow but Alex looks at April, knowing it's potentially about to get a lot worse. Cristina figures if they are going to get personal, Mere should ask Alex and April what they were busy doing in his office earlier. Mere doesn't get it at first until Cristina smiles and raises her eyebrows. Mere whips around to them and Alex tries to deny it all, but April crumbles to dust and starts sobbing and apologizing. Poor Charles is disgusted that his virginal crush has turned out to be a dirty girl, while Mere is crushed that her fiancé is a dirty cheat. Cristina just smiles at Alex, reveling in her revenge.
Arizona and Callie are looking in at their patient, who is doing so awesomely he's been taken off of the transplant list. Arizona readily admits that Callie was right to use the artificial lung and gushes, "You're amazing!" I still feel nothing more coming from Arizona than friendly congratulations, but Callie stutters as she tentatively suggests that they should celebrate. Arizona agrees, and Callie is still rather aflutter when a nurse brings her kids over. Callie then says they will do it sometime, and leads her brood away. I think we're supposed to believe that both of them are feeling stirrings of Something More, but so far I really only see it from a bewildered Callie.
Mere is sobbing uncontrollably into Richard's shoulder and can barely even speak, she is so upset. Ellis walks in and announces, businesslike, that she heard what happened. Mere is momentarily stunned and seems hopeful that she might be about to receive some motherly sympathy, but that hope is quickly dashed when Ellis tells her that she should be upset and humiliated. Even Richard yelps in indignation at that suggestion. Ellis just plows ahead and as she tells Meredith that she should never let Cristina or anyone else show her up, the truth dawns that this is about the surgery, not about her personal heartbreak. Something in Meredith snaps, and she finally has a comeback for her mother, saying that she should never have been in the OR for that surgery in the first place, but that Ellis basically pushed her in there. She picks up steam as she growls that Ellis isn't upset that Meredith embarrassed herself, but rather because she embarrassed Ellis. She then storms away in a pent-up-for-too-many-years rage.
Ellis closes the door as Richard tries out his spine and yells, "What is wrong with you?" Instead of talking about what just happened, Ellis starts by ordering him to fire Bailey immediately. He's shocked, but she starts to cry as she says that Bailey made a fool of her. So Meredith was totally spot-on that the first thing Ellis is worried about is being embarrassed herself. As she cries about looking like a failure, Richard starts to comfort her, with just a hint of resignation in his voice. Ellis continues to wail about how stupid she was made to look in front of an audience while he dutifully assures her that like always, she made it work and the patient is fine. With a smile he adds that she can't control everything, even if she wants to. It's certainly not for lack of trying, though. Then, as a secondary though, Ellis asks if Mere is okay and then moans that she just wants her to be happy but doesn't know how to talk to her, blah blah blah bad mother woe is me blah. Richard assures her that he knows Ellis cares and that everything will be okay.
Owen catches up to Cristina in the hallway and thanks her for her help, but she realizes this is just another plea for silence and tells him point-blank that he needs to tell Callie that he needs help. He replies that she'll leave and he'll lose his kids since Callie is afraid he'll hurt one of them. Cristina simply asks, "Aren't you?" Callie then walks up with all the kids and when she notices his hand, he claims a junkie patient pushed him into a tray of instruments. And Callie believes him because she wants to. This is all ignoring, by the way, the fact that there were at least 20 people who saw what happened. There is no way that in this gossip mill of a hospital, that wouldn't get around to Callie, especially given that he's got a history of outbursts. He shouldn't be just trying to keep Cristina quiet, he should be paying off the whole ER. The little family starts to leave, and Owen smiles at Cristina but she just walks off.
There's not a ton of time to think about it because a man walks in carrying an unconscious Lexille, and he explains that she was just lying in the street. As the camera pulls back, we see that McSteamy is her knight in lavender dress shirt.
Mark keeps trying to help as they do compressions but Jackson hollers at him to go away, not impressed by Mark's assuring them that he is a doctor. They keep shocking her and once they finally get her heartbeat back, Mark finally sighs and relaxes. He then asks a nurse where he can find Dr. Shepherd, but she blandly asks him which one. That is the question, isn't it?
Meredith is about to leave when Richard walks up, but before he can say anything she orders him to stop cleaning up the messes left in Ellis' wake. Mere maintains that she can't do anything right for her mom, and she won't let Richard interrupt to dispute this. She tells him she's figured out why: she wants everyone around her to be ordinary so that she herself can be extraordinary. Mere in Pink is pretty perceptive -- she didn't have to try to kill herself to start to figure things out. Richard tries to stop Meredith but Meredith just informs him that Ellis has made Richard a small person, and she won't let her do that to Mere as well. Truth spoken, she turns and leaves.
Addie is sitting on a sofa in the lounge, and she's been crying. Derek walks in and even though she won't look at him, he tries to talk to her and to convince her that he knows he's been a jerk, and that he really does want this baby. She finally tries to smile, though doesn't really succeed, as Derek hopefully says that maybe the baby will change things after all and make Addison happier. That's rather... pointed -- even though he claims he knows he's messed up, he obviously finds this to be Addison's problem. Though I suppose it is, because she admits in a sad voice that this isn't Derek's baby. And on cue, Mark walks in wearing no shirt. Okay, to be fair, it's because he's trying to get Lexille's blood out of it. When he sees the two Shepherds in front of him, he comments on the awkwardness of the situation. At least, I think that's what he says since my DVR decided to glitch and mash up his voice like Max Headroom.
Cristina and Jackson are still working on Lexille, who keeps on flatlining. Mere sees this as she leaves and goes and reads the chart as Cristina yells for epi and Jackson tells her it's over. Mere immediately tells Cristina they should crack her chest. Cristina thinks this might be crazy but when Meredith points out that she's going to die anyway, Cristina realizes that this might be the best last chance she's got. Meredith gets a gown on, and the two set to work together.
Bailey gets on the elevator with her sad, standard-issue, I Just Got Fired Box O'Stuff in her arms. Alex is standing inside, facing the back wall and sniveling about how he had a good thing and screwed it up, adding that he had a chance to be a better person but screwed that up too, like he does every time. It's one pretty amazing pity party, and as he whines, "What is wrong with me?" Bailey just asks drily, she just lost her job, but does he see her crying? Something in her tone says that she might have lost her job, but she just found Miranda. She reminds Alex what he said to her earlier: we create our own destiny. She declares that is what she's doing, and it's what he should do too. And then she saunters out with a newfound confidence in her step while he stays and cries.
Jackson is still trying to tell the girls that Lexille is gone, but in unison they tell him to shut up, and keep shocking her heart. Finally, she lets out a breath and they realize they have her back. Mere tells us via voiceover that our lives are gifts.
In celebration, the two go across the street to the bar and Cristina has no idea that two love stories are just starting: Mere and Cristina, and Mere and tequila. She shows a timid Meredith how to do a tequila shot, salt, lime and all. Mere says she's good with just the one, but we know that won't last. In a throwback to a conversation had in Seattle long ago, she then asks Mere after a moment if they are going to have to do that thing where they each say something, and someone cries, and they have A Moment. Mere is repulsed by the idea, to Cristina's relief. But then after a moment, Meredith does admit that things aren't turning out the way she thought they would, and she doesn't seem to recognize her life now. Instead of punching her for breaking their 5-second-old agreement, Cristina actually agrees with her.
Mere VOs that -- GASP -- some things will work out as if they were destined to happen. To illustrate, Mere and Cristina start affectingly insulting each other while ordering each other to get some sleep. After Cristina leaves, Meredith turns to her other side and who do you think is there drowning his sorrows? None other than Derek or, as Meredith is finally pressed to admit: McDreary. Look, that name could be appropriate in both versions of this world much of the time. But he's drunk and pathetic and charming now, and the two start to flirt; after regarding him for a moment Meredith suggests that for one (fateful, as we know) night, why doesn't he just be a guy in a bar, and she'll be a girl in a bar... who drinks tequila. He has the bartender pour her another shot and they clink a toast as Meredith finishes up that it's almost as if some things in life are meant to be.
p>Lauren S is a writer and gal-about-town who lives and works in Atlanta and who likes her tequila in margarita form. She wants everyone to know: "The views expressed in my recaps and anything else I might write on TWoP are my own and do not necessarily reflect the views of my employer."