When Serena calls Ivy back from her Hamptons VITAMIN WATER hideaway to try and trick Bart with a low-level entrapment scheme, he finally gets annoyed enough to pull the trigger on his Nate blackmail, sending the boy to jail. The Captain -- who seems to get younger every time he shows up, or else it's just the oppression of having to look at Bart's face all season -- shows up and offers very little help, but a winning smile.
Eventually Bart kidnaps Blair for a second, demonstrating that he has the power of life and death over the three people -- along with Lily and Nate -- that Chuck loves most, and offers him a one-way ticket to Moscow. Also leaving town: Serena van der Woodsen, who has had enough of this town and, like she does every five minutes, is moving away to be alone and find herself and whatever.
One of Blair's oracular Audrey dreams provides her with two important pieces of information: One, that Bart is going to kill Chuck, and two, that the only thing that can save him is a complicated scheme involving every guest star this season -- Sage, Ivy and Georgina -- and a whole lot of old-man shaming, each scheme more ludicrous and useless than the last, as Bart manages to continually evade their dumb plans and turn them to his advantage. (Bart in fact spends much of the episode just traveling from child to child, wrecking their lives and acting gross. He is like the opposite of Serena, in terms of Being Places.)
Still mourning their tarmac farewell, Blair is astounded first by the news of Chuck's death, and then minutes later when Lonelyboy produces him (with a grandiose speech about how much he loves Chuck, no less). It's great, the whole sequence. Beautiful. Neither B nor Serena are prepared to forgive Dan his latest trespasses, and Bart disappears with Chuck immediately. After some amount of running around, she makes it up to the roof -- it was always going to be the roof -- just in time to see Chuck ... um, murder his dad.
In the end, it was a thrilling chapter, with lots of weird stylistic and musical choices to keep things moving: Dan hides the Good Serena Chapter in her stuff, as a last-ditch effort to brainwash her into overlooking the thousands of horrific things he constantly does, and you know that is going to work. Sage and Nate decide to save the Spectator by figuring out and disclosing Gossip Girl's identity, which apparently he could always do and just forgot. Chuck and Blair go on the lam...
I just wish there were a way Blair could protect herself from having to testify against the love of her life! Possibly using jewelry she already has on her person!
Week: Serena figures it out or does not figure it out (it will be the latter). Shippers will get what they always want, which is the end of the story, because they hate stories. Wm vdW turns on Ivy, of course. Jenny and Eric, but probably not Vanessa or Inspektor Pilot or Lola. Lily and Rufus and Eleanor, but probably not Harold or Roman. Kristen Bell and Gossip Girl, but probably not at the same time. Many tears, but probably also not very many surprises.
PREVIOUSLY
Serena was the victim of Dan Humphrey's 97th heel-turn, and yet still has the balls to act offended by the fact that he's a douchebag, or when people point out what a douchebag he is. Blair was the victim of Chuck Bass's 97th dating fatwa, and yet still has the balls to act shocked that he won't fuck her, or when people point out that his excuses for refusing to fuck her have now surpassed his all-time low point, where he pretended to be a crippled French amnesiac to avoid fucking her.
Chuck was the victim of his undead father's retaliations, and yet still has the balls to act like he's not begging for it, and be constantly amazed when the bear he's poking with a stick for no reason takes a swat at him. Nate was the continued victim of Bart's transparent manipulation because Nate is a moron who got his ethics from his flaky dad and his addictive personality from his flaky mom. Lily finally realized that her murderous ex-husband has no problem beating the shit out of her and/or killing her, so she left town entirely, even though that's still only technically worse than being married to Rufus.
After impersonating first Lola and then Serena and then trying to take over the lives of first CeCe and then Lily, Ivy has effectively become every character on the entire show, ending with Vanessa, which is why she just split up with everybody's dad on the entire show -- Rufus -- to run off with the other person who is everybody's dad on this entire show -- Dr. Wm vdW -- because in addition to being everybody but herself, she is also a sad-sackin' fucker of dads.
CHARADE
One last Audrey dream before the lights come up, I suppose. It's the orange-passing scene from Charade, where Audrey falls in love with Cary Grant over a game of Suck & Blow, so Chuck and Blair do that, and then she passes to the person, which is Bart Bass wearing glasses. He looks like Rusty Trawler with tuberculosis. I wanna march him over to the zoo and feed him to the yak.
Bart: "Didn't Charles tell you, Mrs. Bass? Any morning now, he could wake up dead. Dead, Mrs. Bass, like last week's news!"
Blair springs into action because her oddly straightforward dreams have never been wrong before.
THIS HOVEL
Dan, having finally found a check-cashing place for his VF windfall, has discovered the perfect apartment. Also, two things the show never bothered to tell us until this week: The sequel he's been selling piecemeal to the internet is called Inside Out, which is clever, and he's already sold the option, which is why he is flush.
Georgina: "This hovel? But you're rich! That vile troglodyte Nikki Finke put your picture up to Harvey's, you should be looking for a soundproof room and a bidet and a guest bath."
(Bidets are discussed. Best to overlook that part.)
Dan: "Are you saying you want to live here? In my house? But what about your gay husband?"
Georgina: "Now that I'm magically and absurdly a famous talent manager, I can't live in Brooklyn anymore. Philip can have it, with his Daddy & Me classes and his freedom to have a baby. And gay sex."
Dan: "Whatever. I'll take this hovel."
Lady: "Great, except you need a reference for the co-op board."
Dan: "And all my rich friends are dead and/or hate me because I am awful. Hmm."
EMPIRE
Chuck uses his Windows 8 (TM) phone with Live Tiles (R) so the information you need most is always readily available to have a conference with a creepy recording of Kelly Rutherford.
Chuck: "Lily, thanks for your psychic memory powers that gave me all of Bart's offshore accounts from the Rainbow Woman, but I need the PINs! Remember them!"
Lily: "Too drunk, sorry."
Chuck: "Well, if your ludicrous photographic memory turns up anything else..."
Lily: "Charles, you know that I love you and that our lives are in danger and I take that seriously, but I have to get a quote 'bamboo oat body smoother' now. Good luck not dying, my darling."
Chuck: "I like her, but that lady's priorities..."
Blair: "And tonight's gala would have been the perfect opportunity to prove those illegal Sudanese oil deals. I mean, really any time would be good because he is going to kill all of us, but tonight would mean doing it with flair. Oh! And I just remembered my dream! It was from a movie called Charade!"
Chuck: "This could be helpful. Tell us more."
Blair: "Well, what about like a 'charade'? We can bluff with that info and get him to implicate himself, then record it on our phones. A thing at least one person has tried in literally every episode of this entire show, and not once has it worked."
Chuck: "Then he would kill Lily even harder than he's already going to."
Blair: "But she's not the only person who had those Rainbow Woman documents."
Chuck: "So you're saying we should get Ivy murdered, too? Yeah, I think Lily would be cool with that."
POINTLESS SAGE SCENE
Sage: "I'm Sage! I'm on this show kind of!"
Nate: "I'm Nate! I have to go talk to Bart now!"
(And so it goes.)
PRADA
Serena: "Listen, I need an apartment and a job in LA. I am getting the fuck out of New York. A thing I have tried in literally every episode of this entire show, and not once has it worked."
Phone Person: "Sure, I'll set you up with a house and job in the competitive film industry. With your lack of qualifications and bloodbath of a work history it should be a snap."
Serena: "Okay and that needs to happen by tomorrow."
PP: "No problem!"
Blair: "Why are there diaphanous scarves and purses inside of purses everywhere? Are you moving?"
Serena: "When have I ever tried that? Don't be silly."
Blair: "I'm going to assume this is some kind of post-Humphrey purge instead of using what I know about you, my lifelong best friend, to connect the dots. Listen, do you want to be part of a dangerous undercover scheme that will get us all killed?"
Serena: "Tell me more. But start at the beginning because I don't actually give a shit about you guys and I never really pay attention."
(And so it goes.)
Serena: "Oh, making Ivy a human sacrifice? I'm in. Didn't really need all the boring backstory as it turns out."
Blair: "But it could be really difficult to get her here, considering she's on the run from Bart Bass and her phone is disconnected and also we all hate her and we're constantly trying to fuck up her life..."
Serena: "No, I bet she's at the most obvious place she always goes when she's on the run. VITAMIN WATER estates, her Hamptons hideaway."
VITAMIN WATER
Serena: "Ivy! Hey girl! It's Serena!"
Ivy: "I know who this is, bitch. I have caller ID money now."
Serena: "Is it the '90s already? Anyway, can we have lunch right now at the Oak Room?"
Ivy: "Is this a trap?"
Serena: "No way, friendo!"
Ivy: "Cool. See you in five seconds."
Ivy: "Dear Wm vdW, I'm going into the city so your daughter can fuck me up. Love, your teenage piece of ass you don't actually care about, who is still just this desperate to be loved by like one Rhodes Woman, even though the best one already loved me so much she cut everybody else out of her will, and now I have more money than anyone has ever had. Please do not tell her that we are fucking, because she will try to kill me, which I know because it is obvious, and also because that's how Lola died."
OAK RM (EXT)
Nate: "Bart, I stole Chuck's phone for you. See, using this Windows 8 (TM) technology with Live Tiles (R) we can readily see all the information we need to know about his life. He had breakfast! He has a meeting later! It's all here on these Live Tiles (R). But listen, are you as bored as I am?"
Bart, verbatim: "My ennui is of no concern to you. I will not be caught off-guard by Chuck's antics while I'm being feted at tonight's event."
Nate: "When you talk like that, it is clear you are a villain. Speaking of subtlety, this one Live Tile (R) just says, Bart Takedown Conference with Ivy Dickens. Hmm, that seems like a clue. Doesn't it? Doesn't that seem like a clue?"
Bart: "You just signed your death warrant, Pretty."
OAK RM (INT)
Ivy is disgusted, if not exactly surprised, to see Serena has been joined by Chuck, Blair and Nate at the bar of the Oak Room.
Ivy: "You mean this isn't a girl time lunch? I feel dumb."
Blair: "Prepare to feel a whole lot dumber, bitch."
Spoke too soon. The thing about not going to college is you might make mistakes about history, such as thinking there was at some point a medieval war between the Byzantine Army and dragons:
Blair, verbatim: "We need you to be the goat. Don't tell me you've never studied medieval warfare! When the Byzantines wanted to lure a dragon from its cave, they tied a goat to a stick."
Chuck, helpfully: "It's a metaphor."
Ivy: "Oh, is it? Because it sounds like retarded nonsense."
Blair: "Anyway, we need you to help us trick Bart Bass into murdering all of us. We won't be safe until that happens."
Ivy: "Okay, I'm in."
Kind of awesomely, Serena puts her Amazon strength into snatching Ivy's phone and forcing her to answer it, just as Bart's calling.
Ivy: "Hey, Bart! I'm at the Oak Room. Come murder me on my phone so I can record it."
Bart: "Sounds good! Psych, this plan was idiotic."
The cops bust in and arrest Nate for his frauds, causing Gossip Girl to toss around some puns and Blair to make a fascinating "dismayed" face.
By the way, everybody looks fantastic but especially Blair looks fantastic this week. Oh yeah, and Georgina is wearing Thunderdome clothes, with actual spikes coming out of the shoulders like a Fallout 3 Raider, while Ivy opts for a Vampire Lady look complete with Urban Decay purply-black lipstick like you might have seen in one of Lily's many childhood eras. Everybody looks bonks and it's so, so great.
SOME STREET SOMEWHERE
Chuck: "Like this stupid day wasn't complicated enough, now we gotta get Pretty out of jail."
Blair: "Now, it is Nate who is the goat."
Ivy: "Am I the only one who didn't study Byzantine warfare?"
No, you stupid idiot! None of them know what they are talking about! There's no such goddamn thing as dragons! What a time for a callback, on this show that can't remember shit that happened last week you're gonna keep going with this dragon goat bullshit? Ugh.
Serena: "One thing I don't recommend is leaving Nate in jail just to mess with Bart. That kid is too pretty and too, too naïve."
Chuck: "Nate's my favorite person. Don't worry about it. I'll go meet with Bart now."
Blair: "Serena, you go with Chuck. He needs a bodyguard for this, and you've got like a foot and fifty pounds on him."
Ivy: "And I'll just be crawling back into the sewers..."
Blair: "No, you're coming with me back to my house. We still might be able to bluff him, despite him already figuring out this plan and outsmarting us in the middle of it, five minutes ago."
PRADA
Bart Bass: "Come over here, closer to the fire."
Dan: "My liege. Any dark errands for me?"
Bart Bass: "None. Nathaniel has done well, since he has nothing else to do. But I sense you are here to ask me for a dark boon?"
Dan: "I found an apartment, after spending this entire season homeless..."
Bart Bass: "-- I can offer you counsel, in the dark arts. I can offer you victims, on whom to express your vile desires. But I cannot offer worldly funds. It never ends well. And I already have your soul."
Dan: "No, like I just need a reference for the co-op board. And since you're New York Realtor Man of The Year, I thought..."
Bart: "Oh yeah, no problem. Sorry. Listen, do you want to write a profile on me about this event? It would be the perfect way to draw you into my hellish configuration."
Dan: "You've got yourself a deal."
Serena: "Hey, Pops. Hey, Douchelyboy."
Dan: "Serena, hold still! I have to say some nonsensical shit about how destroying your life proves how much I love you and only you. And sometimes your best friend."
Serena: "You're chumming around with my evilest stepfather now? Congratulations, you're one step closer to cornering the market on my daddy issues. But for now, peace out."
Dan: "But but but..."
Serena: "I said peace out, motherfucker."
BASSES
Charles: "Bart, when you chased Lily out of the country I said nothing. When you faked your death and threw infinite mommies at my head to drive me crazy, I still felt kind of bad for you. But putting my best slampiece in jail? I'm here to deal."
Bart: "Okay, fine. Move to Moscow."
Charles, verbatim: "Moscow? As in Russia?"
Bart: "Yes, 'as in Russia.' You fucking jerk."
WALDORF
Ivy: "If you want to go fight dragons -- which you think are a real thing -- don't let me stop you. I have come over to your side and now realize I can never be with my own boyfriend until somebody pushes that motherfucker Bart off a roof."
Blair: "Are you honestly comparing your boyfriend situation to my epic love?"
Ivy: "Every time you think I'm as pathetic as it gets, I go and do something like this. It is I who should be fed to the yak. And probably will be, by Dr. vdDubs."
Blair: "Are we seriously talking about you and Rufus Humphrey right now?"
Ivy: "No, something even dumber. But I have said too much."
Blair: "That was true from the moment you creaked open that cemetery gate you call a mouth. Look, just sit on this couch dressed like the bitch from Once Upon A Time until I get back, okay?"
JAIL
Sage: "Yeah. I'm here again, in this scene. This show's just gonna keep humiliating you right up 'til the end."
Nate: "I guess Bart figured out what I was obviously doing."
Sage: "As in every episode, this is my cue to say how cute your mug shot looks. Yeah, I'm so played out I even repeat my personality quirks verbatim."
Nate: "I just wish my rich, powerful family could help."
Sage: "Well, I opted not to go that route. But I did call your horrible junkie father instead."
The Captain: "Please don't punch me. I promise not to kidnap you again."
Why you look so good, The Captain? I don't remember you looking this good. Either I'm getting older or you're getting younger. Or else just having to deal with looking at Bart Bass all the time is making regular dads look hot, even if they are just simply human beings. Which explains why Rufus isn't benefiting from the effect.
TOWNCAR
Blair: "[Some fairly horrible, unnecessary things.]"
Driver: Somehow does not backhand her.
Bart: Hops into the jump seat. It's a kidnap!
Blair: "Wait, what is going on?"
Bart: "Why is everybody so goddamn stupid today? The hell do you think is going on?"
ATELIER (EXT)
Charles: "Did you kidnap Blair? People are always doing that, it's so dumb."
Bart: "Actually I just dropped her off upstairs, she's fine. The point is that I can kill her and I will kill her. I got your Lily, I got your Blair, I got your Nate. You ready to play yet?"
Charles: "Basses have worse luck with common form of transit than the Kennedy family. Fine. Put me on your jet to Moscow that is clearly going to blow the fuck up."
ARCHIBALDS
Captain: "So you know how Bart Bass controls everything, including the justice system? Yeah, that's still going on. Sorry."
Nate: "I don't even care, I totally did commit fraud."
Captain: "Bullshit, for real? But integrity is like your only thing. Surely there was a complex circumstance that would have led to..."
Nate: "No, Bart just looked me in the eye and told me to do it, so I did it. Integrity is not my only thing, it's not even my first thing. My first thing is that I am a highly suggestible idiot."
ATELIER
Blair: "Car service, my town car has been absconded by a ruthless billionaire. Please send another."
Car Service: "Um, you're already on the way to the private Bass airfield, getting ready to board an exploding plane to Moscow."
Blair: "Wait, you can't tell the difference between me and Chuck either? Isn't it so weird being confused about that? Well, I better flag down a taxi if I'm going to rush to the airport and offer -- for the billionth time in a row -- to throw away my entire life and personality and dreams and loved ones in order to make Chuck stop crying, even though Chuck is never going to stop crying and isn't even that into me."
PRADA
Dan: "Bart, why are you reading the Nice Serena Chapter? I'm amazed."
Bart: "No, what's amazing is that I am finding the time to do all of this shit everywhere."
Dan: "So my plan -- Do you want to hear this? Do you give a shit? Does anybody give a shit? No? Okay -- so my plan is to make Serena hate me, and then she will be in love with me."
Bart: "The Empire is indebted to you. Lord Vader will be very pleased."
Dan: "The important thing is that I wish you were my Daddy. I always have. It's because you are awful."
Bart: "Serena's moving to LA, by the way. So your actions are meaningless and only further my own evil agenda. Which speaking of, I have like six other scenes to be in simultaneous to this one, so..."
Poof! Smoke. Acrid, greasy.
THE TARMAC
Chuck: "Nope, I'm going to Moscow. No matter how pathetic you act."
Blair: "That's a bet I will happily take, bro."
Chuck: "Let's phone it in, what do you say."
Blair: "Hey, we got practice at this point."
They phone it the fuck in. It is embarrassing and schmaltzy and stupid. Dragons attack and she's like, "Where's our goat? Dang, I left it at the house. Back before I was kidnapped for about a hot minute."
Then Chuck gets on the plane, which explodes, and he dies.
THE END.
Blair: "I have bounced back! Saying goodbye to Chuck Bass always makes me seem like I have a personality. So listen, I have gathered all of you -- Sage, Ivy, Georgina -- because you are horrible and good at doing horrible things."
Serena: "Two questions. Where am I, and why."
Blair: "Because even though you are incompetent at everything, we need you in the big scam scene. 'Playing' dumb."
Serena: "Got it."
Sage: "I am super obnoxious."
Ivy: "I have less than one single reason for being here, or on this show."
Georgina: "I'm whatever is required for the plot."
Ivy: "Please don't feed me to a dragon, which is a thing that you believe to be real, but... Didn't we just try this like five minutes ago? Literally, this morning we did this? And the end result was merely that Nate -- the only guy that every one of us has fucked except Georgina -- went to jail?"
Blair: "Look, just follow through on this ridiculous plan of mine where we record Bart Bass on our phones while making spoooooky noises. I promise it will work."
One thing Blair does not say, though, is how she has enough room to spread out and do this stupid plan because Chuck just got on a plane to Moscow -- which is in Russia, I don't know if you know that -- and will be dead in a few seconds at most.
NYMOTY
These various ladies come waltzing into the Man Of The Year gala, lookin' fly and takin' names. It goes on for a while, this entrance, and that's for one reason only: To make it seem like this is actually happening. When the Several Serenas did this, the Juliet year, it was pretty awesome. But now it's just like the Island of Misfit Toys. Why these particular bitches, on this particular night? Because anybody that would make sense being a part of this plan has already deserted the show for greener pastures. (And because Nelly Yuki is Gossip Girl.)
But who are they, these Revengers? Georgina is the Hulk because you just never know, and because she is angry all the time even when you can't tell. Ivy Dickens is Black Widow because why are you here and why won't you stop talking like that. Serena is Thor for one million reasons, obviously. Or Pepper Potts, since clearly Blair is Iron Man. Captain America will forever be Nate Archibald, and Carter Baizen is already in real life the very sexy Bucky Barnes. Chuck can be Dr. Strange because he's so weird and because he has doings with the Elder Gods of yore, like, all the time. (And also: An alcoholic.)
Dan is Ant-Man, because Ant-Man hit a lady like one time and that's all anybody knows about Ant-Man, so he's this poster child for lady-hating. Just like Dan. Oh, and she was a WASP, just like the Rhodes Women that Humphreys hate the best. (J/K she was like an actual wasp. La Vespa. See? It all makes sense.)
Who's left? Crossbow Guy, which Sage can totally be Crossbow Guy because just like Sage is horrible, his face is horrible. Jeremy Renner is the banana peel of the internet. You're going along just fine, lookin' at things, lookin' at Tumblr, checkin' on your tweets, and then WHOOPS! You just saw Jeremy Renner's face, you are fucked.
Serena: "Bart! Congratz. Listen, Lily wanted me to tell you that she's sorry she can't be here, but hopefully you'll be in jail before she comes back so you can attack her physically again."
Bart: "I don't care. I fuck demons. I fuck the Red Priestess until shadow creatures come out of her nethers. I don't need your mom for that."
Serena: "Whoa, check out that slideshow! It's that incredibly important and damning photograph somebody gave Chuck where you're ... walking into a building."
Bart: "And as usual, I will now go ass-crazy about it even though it is a banal photograph containing no actual information."
He doesn't get too far, though.
Georgina: "Program for the evening? It really sets off your skull face and made-from-real-human-skin complexion."
Bart: "Well, thank you. It's actually kinda hard to look this much like a dead person given unnatural life."
Georgina: "You'll especially enjoy the double-page spread that is just pictures of horses."
Bart: "And as usual, I will now go ass-crazy about the existence of horses. Man, why did I ever commission that oil painting of a horse I murdered? I don't know who you are, but I am very mad at you. Who else has seen this banal program containing no information?"
Georgina: "Nobody! Actually everybody."
Bart: "Good one."
Georgina: "You should have seen me back when this show was good. I was like, actually Loki. Like, from mythology."
This whole time, Sage keeps dialing Bart from Bruce Caplan's phone, which somehow she has gotten ahold of. You know, the phone of the guy that drowned to death. Sage, she'll just be headin' down into international waters, full fathom five. Strap on a snorkel. Grab a dead dude's phone. Stick that mother in a jar of rice 'til it dries out, call you up on it.
MOTY
Serena is talking to some guy, and the "oh hell no" face he makes when Dan walks up is priceless. Like even rando extras know it's about to get bullshitty.
Serena: "Surprise, surprise. Here for Daddy Trout, your new boyfriend and mentor?"
Dan: "Yeah, but also to spout more mindless nonsense about how you suck and that means I'm awesome for loving you."
Serena: "Keep it coming, idiot."
Dan: "Well, one thing that's stupid is your plan of running away to LA."
Serena, verbatim: "You can just as easily write despicable things about me from afar!"
From afar, she says. Serena, Serena Serena SERENA.
Dan: "Despicable things from afar or from anear, they are only a fraction of the nonstop creepy unending obsessive writing I do about you."
Serena: "Yeah, you wrote like one pussy thing about me one time? The rest of it is Sabrina in Inside, who was a turbo slut on drugs, and Serena in Inside Out, who is if possible even more of a goddamn mess..."
Dan: "But you are a goddamn mess, Serena. You're the worst person I've ever met in my entire life. Why won't you love me for constantly saying these things?"
Serena: "What's stupid is how you don't understand that even me moving to LA is still all about you. That's what's stupid. That's what is truly stupid, about our entire storyline this season."
Dan: "Flatterer! Just stand still while I heap yet more horrible abuse on your soul!"
Serena: "No, I have to go be my singularly unhelpful self with Blair's thing. Maybe make some weather with my hair or whatever goes on with that whole deal. There's a hammer, I know that..."
BLAIR'S THING
Bart: "No big deal, but could you get somebody to murder like every early-twenties girl in this entire place? They're conspiring against me in a way that embarrasses us all."
Caterer: "I'm just a caterer, though."
Bart: "I'm Bart Bass. Look at my skull face. Look into my skellington eyeballs. It's them or you."
This is my favorite one. Ivy wanders up with a tray of drinks and, instead of napkins, plenty of copies of the Very Important Envelope.
Ivy: "Cocktail, sir? We have a lovely Sudanese vodka..."
Bart: "Oh my God, what are you even doing on this show? And why do you have all these copies of the Very Important Envelope?"
Ivy: "To freak you out! One of them may even contain copies of the Boring Documents!"
Bart: "Seriously? I do not have time for this elaborate shit!"
I like Season Five of Buffy, it's my second favorite, but goddamn did I hate it when they did this same thing on that finale. "Oh, all these random things from random episodes? Oh, like this hammer that suddenly we're saying can kill God? Oh, and like a necklace or something? WHAT A PLAN! It's so fucking deep if you think about it, I mean wow, can you guys believe how tightly plotted this shit was? If we keep saying it, maybe you'll believe that shit!"
Like, wouldn't it be cooler -- and frankly easier, for everyone -- if you actually just did it? If you actually just did the thing you say you're doing, instead of pretending to do the thing? It doesn't take any more time to tell a good story than a shitty one, if you think about it. Just a bit more effort.
"Here's what we'll do to stretch out the Chair story this season into interminability. We'll get like five or six props -- doesn't matter what, who even cares, like, it could be a lady that turns out to be a horse that turns out to be a painting or a photograph that turns out to be an envelope that turns out to also be a painting -- and make them the focal point of each episode, so it seems like they're moving forward even though we're just throwing shit at the wall. But then, in the two-part finale, we'll gather all those objects together -- and it still won't make any sense! But those idiots we hate, our viewers, will be like, Ahh, I remember there was an envelope. Amazing. Won't that be hateful of us?"
Blair: "Bart, here's that little girl whose horse -- and then father -- you murdered."
Uncle Bart: "Really? I don't recognize her."
Iman: "Uncle Bart, fuck yourself."
Uncle Bart: "Luckily I commissioned an oil painting of your father after I had him stuffed, too. They are all in my secret lair, the paintings and also the dead things you loved."
Blair: "Fancy a chat? And, Iman, please tell security I am about to get kidnapped, just like every other season."
Bart: "Wait, is this Season Six's attempt at a Christmas episode? Like I'm Scrooge and you bitches are..."
Blair: "That was part of my alleged inspiration, yes."
Bart: "God, this show got stupid while I was dead."
Actually I liked this line: "You know, I've always felt that Scrooge was unfairly maligned. He simply expected people to act like adults."
In other news, Chuck is dead. No, really: It is on the news. Blair's acting is incredible, as she stares past Bart at the TV and then at Bart and then the TV and the noises in her head are getting louder and louder and her anime tear ducts are getting sadder and doe-ier and you are just about shaking with horror for her, and you think maybe she's going to launch herself right at his skellington eyeballs, but she doesn't move. She doesn't blink. Just falls quietly into a million, billion pieces.
THE EVENT!
Hottie: "Good evening. My name is Jason Pomeranc, and I'm the chairman and founder of Thompson Hotels. I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome you all to New York Real Estate's MOTY..."
Bart giggles in poor Blair's face, and heads up toward the podium. Serena joins her, struggling to put together what the words and shapes on the TV mean. What the faces are saying. One of the news guys is like, "What's funny is how this show's been doing for real for three years what people keep accusing Vampire Diaries of doing this season, even though actually that show is doing the job this show used to, and brilliantly. That's what's fucking funny. That's the real ass-ache."
Hottie: "To truly introduce him properly, it's my honor to present the number one chronicler of Manhattan's elite*... Mr. Daniel Humphrey."
*(Was that the Gossip Girl cameo?)
Daniel, verbatim: "I would like to introduce an icon of New York real estate and a pillar of our community. He is the center of the Bass family and he's a personal inspiration to me. Please welcome..."
I'm not gonna lie. I burst into tears, I had to hit pause and watch this a few times. Well played. But I guess it was always going to happen that I would be undone, first and last, by Charlie Trout. Of all the things this show had to say, about class and about sex and about privilege and about money, Charlie Trout was the only one they never once fucked up. Came close with Jenny, but even that was one of the more movingly honest stories they ever did, so it works out. It was even worth bringing Bart back for him, I think. I never stopped believing in him. I will never stop.
Daniel: "...Charles Bass. Thank you."
...At which point it goes to hell. Because he has had it, after a long day of being blown up, Chuck can't do much more than just stand at the podium screaming about his dad kills everybody and has murdered everybody and tried to kill him and murder him and is a bad dad and blah blah blah. Like, you should say, "I was nearly the victim of a murder plot this afternoon intended to preserve the secrecy of certain transactions with the Sudanese government which break federal law." The one time that boring shit would actually help, because people would be like, "This is a very unsensational psychotic break, maybe he's telling the truth." When you start in all like, "The CIA knows that I know about the aliens!" like this, nobody can hear you or care.
Anyway, security takes Chuck away, in what I think is the fifteenth stupid plan Bart has easily -- easily -- overcome in this episode, which again: You had to engineer such dipshit plans in order for him to overcome them? You had to make the characters even stupider than usual, so he'd have something on them? You couldn't just write a brilliant scheme and then an even more brilliant solution? Not in the wheelhouse this season, huh. That's fine. That's cool, bro. I just remember a time when the shittiness of a Serena Plan actually proved a point, rather than simply making it easier for everybody to call it a day.
Bart: "Sorry about that outburst! As many of you know, my son is a drug addicted bisexual rapist, just like my brother. I'll be sending him straight to the Ostroff Memorial Pedowitz Institute, in case anybody wonders why he suddenly vanished today."
Bart showers Dan with some of that Bass fatherly disapproval he's been horny for since Season One, and it tastes good. So good, in fact, that he has the balls to look over at Blair and be like, "Hey girl, I did that for you. I changed one word of a speech, all for you."
Blair: "I mean, you're clearly still the worst. But thanks for doing that amazing move of changing one word of a speech. That was real heroic of you."
Dan: "I know, baby. Now tell Serena, okay? Wait, where is she?"
Blair: "I don't fucking know, my OTP just came back from the dead. You deal with yours. You deal with your business."
Dan: "PS, she's moving to LA. And yeah, I just did that in the same super shitty way Bart did to me earlier. I regret nothing."
Blair: "Speaking as a woman with zero sense of self who only exists to serve her man, I can already tell this is somehow all about you."
Bart: "Anyway, random white guys, thanks for celebrating me."
Captain: "Bart! I am here! How dare you prosecute my son for the crimes he actually did?"
Bart: "You're an idiot."
Captain: "Let me buy your interest in the magazine or whatever it is, and then magically he won't have committed fraud."
Bart: "Fine. One hundred billion million kazillion dollars."
Captain: "Uh..."
Bart: "Then I guess your dad really doesn't love you, Nate. YOU BOTH JUST GOT BARTED."
GIRL TALK
Serena: "Today has been fucking trying, no? But nice one, finding happiness and all that."
Blair: "Were you really going to split town without telling me? Because the last time you did that, my dad turned gay and I got bulimia."
Serena: "I don't actually care about anything or anybody, though. I just gotta get outta here. Beyond this Goblin City full of Goblins and Humphreys, which is the Scottish word for Goblins."
Blair: "Season One finale you kept me from getting on a helicopter by saying that the scandal always blows over. I'm sure that holds true even in this completely unrelated, not-at-all-parallel circumstance."
Serena: "Hee, hee! You thought you were pregnant from two different gay guys! But you weren't! And I wasn't either!"
Blair: "I'm glad we're in a place where we can joke about me being pregnant with Chuck's baby and then it turns out I'm not. Anyway, just think about it."
Serena: "Places to Be, baby. If I don't leave now, California could be in a completely different place by the time I get there."
UPSTAIRS ON THE ROOF
Bart: "Stop hitting Ignore on calls from Blair and talk to me, son. Why do you keep pulling this shit?"
Chuck: "Well, at this point I have to. You added the fourth person I love in all the world, myself. Admittedly a minor player in this game, since I don't love myself very much, but still. You just went from an Orange to a Red when you blew me up."
Bart: "Look, I'm sorry I keep trying to kill you. And all of your friends. And all of your moms."
MOTY
Georgina: "Ivy, Sage, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
Ivy & Sage: "For once, yes. Because we are also super gross."
Georgina: "I meant we should form a gang! I was going to quit talent agenting anyway, let's start a business where we get paid to be utterly ineffectual while dressed like various nightmares."
Blair: "Bitches, stop. Where is Chuck? He won't answer his phone and I'm afraid he blew up again."
Georgina: "I blew every security guard in this whole place, which is why I can tell you that he hasn't left via any of the usual exits, such as doors. Have you checked the roof? Because it's always the roof with that guy."
EMPIRE
Nate: "[Whine.]"
Captain: "[Still unable to understand the concept of taking responsibility for your actions.]"
Sage: (Still Sage. Still Sagein' up the place, like she does, and driving off the Captain like she would.)
Sage: "Hey, you know what might save your company that somebody else owns?"
Nate: "No, obviously."
Sage: "Let's just expose Gossip Girl!"
Nate: "Oh my God, you're right. I totally forgot that we've known who Gossip Girl is since last season. How the fuck did I forget that?"
Sage: "You've had a lot going on."
Nate: "Yeah. Lotta bullshit."
I mean, I know they didn't really. It was just security footage of a magical all-seeing blogger, wearing a cat-burglar costume, stealing herself in the form of a laptop computer back from Serena, in the coatroom of a traveling sex carnival that Nate's boss was running, under a second, anagrammatic identity, to help Chuck's father pretend that he was dead, to escape federal charges stemming from trading horses for embargoed oil and commissioning oil portraits of them.
All that checks out, sure. But even still, I feel confident knowing that somehow, we will not ever see the process that goes from that, to figuring out who Gossip Girl is. It will just happen. You know that it will just happen because that's how this show works. Maybe like one act, I'll give you one act for them to go through the motions and have the big reveal be right before commercial. But that's all I'm betting, and that's at best.
MOTY
Blair runs around, looking terrific, trying to figure out how to get to the roof. Riveting. She straps on her Iron Man armor and is able to see through the ceiling, up to the roof, where DOCTOR STRANGE is facing off against OLDMAN SKULLFACE, a former Nazi scientist who now has a skull for a face.
PRADA LOBBY
The W.A.S.P.: "FFS, Dan. I know I have my magical troll-god hammer in one of these purses containing infinite purses and scarves, hang on..."
Ant-Dan: "I'm just here to tell you all the awful things I keep telling you!"
The W.A.S.P.: "Fuck it. Do you hear me? Fuck it!"
Ant-Dan: "No, not fuck it. Because I am getting an apartment in this building to stalk you and so I can come over any time I like, in my stocking feet if I feel like it, to talk shit to you."
The W.A.S.P.: "LA, though! I'd be willing to be a nine in LA over a ten here, to get away from you."
Ant-Dan: "First of all, you're an eight at best. That's called 'negging.' And second of all, let me illustrate to you what a fucked up stupid monster you are. You always do this, you idiot. You stupid idiot whore. You went to Spain, you went to fuckin' Poughkeepsie, you went to boarding school, to Santorini, you flash your tits, you steal horses. You always end up back here, under Lily's cold thumb and the unrelenting jackboot of my expectations."
Serena: "Why would I stay here when it literally flayed the soul out of your body?"
Dan: "Everything that you wanted, I have done. You cowered before me, and I was frightening. I have reordered time, I have turned the world upside down, and I have done it all for you! I am exhausted from living up to your expectations of me. Isn't that generous?"
Ant-Dan punches The W.A.S.P. eleven times in the abdomen. He drinks a potion and becomes HUGE and then drinks a potion and becomes TINY. It is SCIENCE.
Serena: "Fine, I believe you that you love me or whatever. Still takin' off. My other superhero boyfriend is Ryan Reynolds, I have no reason to stay."
(While TINY, Ant-Dan sneaks his Nice Chapter into her luggage, like a TINY DICK.)
Dan: "Turn back, Serena. Turn back before it's too late!"
ROOF
Chuck: "Let's talk about it for a really long time instead of me getting the fuck off this roof away from the man who wants to kill me and outweighs me by possibly an entire hundred pounds."
Bart: "Fine. Just take everything Dan has been saying about Serena, and cross-apply. I'm awful to you because I love you, and I thought blowing up a plane with you inside it would finally make you a man."
Fisticuffs. Hidden chest hair. The whole episode veers in a very strange direction, where the music sounds like a carnival or Teletubbies and the camera's on mollies and everybody's just kind of slip-slidin' around and Blair shows up just in time to see Chuck -- HILARIOUSLY ENOUGH -- punch his father so hard that he goes sailing through the air like motherfucking Crouching Tiger and ends up hanging off the roof.
Bart: "I ask for so little! Just let me rule you, and you can have everything that you want..."
Chuck: "Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here..."
Bart: "-- Just fear me, love me, do as I say. And I will be your slave."
Chuck: "No! For my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom as great!"
Blair and Chuck stare at him for a while, just hanging over Lincoln Square. She thinks about powering up, doesn't. He thinks about eldritch magic, doesn't bother. Oldman Skullface, you just got SKRANNNNGed. Chilly down, motherfucker.
Bart: "I love you! I would never hurt you! I am your father and you are awesome! I really respect you right now!"
Until he drops.
Bart, falling through the air: "Jayyyyyyyy kayyyyyyy you are a faaaaaaag!"
And then he is dead.
WEEK
Blair tosses her interests overboard one last time, going on the lam with her lover and eventually submitting to a fake wedding at Bethesda Terrace, which used to be a Serena thing but is now just whatever, while everybody else gets ready for the end of the episode and Kristen Bell and the big reveal and the time jump into the future, and everybody comes home. Except Vanessa.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife and Homeland for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, his novel The Urges, and a novelette, "The Commonplace Book," appeared this month on Tor.com.