Dan's graduated to Actual Whore, sleeping with random fans to combat his homelessness. Georgina's troubled by the effect of this gross (but oh so Dan) behavior on his rep, and decides to set up a Tom Cruise-style audition line for appropriate girlfriends. That's right. Dan's on the hunt for a beard. Which, looking back, is kind of the story of this show. (Not to mention the nonstop Serena abuse, which has always been a hallmark as well.) Anyway, he ends up taking over Serena's room in Blair's house -- while meanwhile, Serena finally deletes their sex tape... After Georgina's already stolen a secret copy.
Serena and Steven decide to make sexual histories for each other, I guess for lack of anything to fight about now that Sage is acting decent. S gets some hilarious one-liners in about her own horrible decisions, but the bomb that's eventually dropped is something Steven doesn't even remember: He hooked up with Lily at a wedding, several decades before any of us were born.
Which comes out on the Spectator, after one of those patented conversations where somebody (Bart Bass in this case) tells Nate to do a bunch of stupid things, and then he does all the stupid things he was just told to do. Long story short every gets mad at everybody else, and there are horses, and then everything is fine again and all the couples get back together.
In addition to once again indirectly causing Blair to ignore her own interests and focus on the much more boring ones of her lover, Bart secretly has a (controlling?) interest in Nate's "business" now, thanks to the aforementioned stupid activities, and Ivy's latest nonsensical plan to cause nefarious trouble of a random sort somehow involves itself as well, when she tips off Gossip Girl about the time that Rufus fucked Lily the night before she married Bart the first time. Which is such hoary aged news that pretty much the entire show just shrugs about it. Even when Ivy is like, "Remember how you guys have a secret baby?" Rufus is all, "I don't want to think about the past!" Then they kiss and it is so, so gross.
Bart lays down an ultimatum that Lily can't be around Chuck anymore, since he keeps telling her true shit that makes Bart look awful because Bart is awful. Lily tells him to shove it, but I assume the thing that happens is he buys her something, because Lily is also awful. Meanwhile, Chuck figures out that Bart faked his death to -- and if you're even still with us after how exciting all that was, here's the thrilling kicker that will surely send you over the edge -- avoid federal indictment for violating the Sudanese oil embargo.
Week: It's just a straight hour, presented with minimal commercial interruption, of a PowerPoint presentation regarding the precedents and international historical record that led to the Executive Order (#) which brought the trade embargo and asset freeze against Sudan in November of 1997. Narrated by Ben Stein wearing a Bane mask.
PREVIOUSLY
Dan dicked Nate over to join Hamish Bowles in serving the UES over at VF and is now sleeping with people for a place to stay because he is disgusting, while speaking of disgusting, Ivy and Rufus have become a rat king of two over in DUMBO. Georgina found out about Serena's sex tape with Dan, which set her little Serena-Sex-Taping-loving mind a-twerk. Blair threw Dan over for Chuck, because she needs a goal at the end of the line and its name -- rather than "individuation," "self-esteem" or "dignity" -- will always be "Chuck." Oh, and a boxer named Dave once drove Bart Bass to meet a person named Lady Alexander who is probably Chuck's mom because everybody on this show is Chuck's mom.
EMPIRE
GG: "...You know what they say, If you can't take the heat, then move to Hell's Kitchen!"
Do they, though?
Nate, painfully and preciously sounding out each gleaming syllable, reads the profile Dan wrote about him for Vanity Fair -- aka the thing that Nate just missed printing about himself, if you can follow that logic -- and lies back in the arms of his child lover.
Nate: "Nate Archibald has the opposite of the Midas touch. Instead of everything he touches turning to gold, he turns all the gold he's been given to dust. Yep, that's some classic Dan writing. If only I could have printed this poorly written takedown in the magazine to which it alludes!"
Sage, verbatim: "Your friend's poor, right? I mean he's probably just jealous."
Out of the mouths of rough-looking babes. You just described Dan -- really, this entire show -- in one sentence. "You know who's right about the self-absorbed rich? Poor people. You know who can additionally go fuck themselves though?" That kind of math is how you get Republicans. But she's not done laying down truths:
Sage, verbatim: "You look really hot in the picture, who cares what it says?"
Nate, verbatim: "He saying that I'm singlehandedly destroying The Spectator."
Sage: "How can you tell?"
Nate: "Because of words. He's actually saying that, I didn't like infer it. I mean, the metaphor was a tricky moment, but I stuck the landing."
Once again, The Spectator is in serious financial trouble -- due to its lack of a business plan or business model or being an actual, quantifiable thing -- and Nate is going to have to go to the bank to talk to a banker about banking.
Sage, realistically: "Can I go? To the bank?"
Nate: "No, you have to have brunch with Serena so she'll keep letting us date."
THE CITY SOMEWHERE
Georgina: "Blah blah Huffpo blah blah Dwight Garner blah blah even Gossip Girl plugged it, which makes no sense at all."
Dan, for real he says this: "Are they talking about how the use of real names makes this my In Cold Blood? I mean, do they like the writing? Are they making any comparisons to historical literary figures?"
Georgina, trust: "Perez Hilton."
In case you were wondering whether the show was playing it cagey about the absolute shittiness of Dan Humphrey.
Dan: "Well, in any case I have been fucking a lot of dumb girls. And being homeless."
Georgina: "You need to fuck a higher class of idiot. So I'm suddenly Blair and also your procurer in this episode, because I stopped making sense two seasons ago."
"From now on, you're only going to be seen with girls who have Ivy League pedigrees. Or at the very least, Vassar. She needs to have cover girl looks and at least three mentions in Page Six in the last six months... I've already set up the interviews."
Well, I suppose he did always treat Serena like a beard. At least in the way that Nice Guys always do, because Nice Guys can't keep their shit on their side of the line and just explode it onto you and then get pissed when you don't act like their Imaginary You. (A situation which can lead to having your memory wiped and getting raped by Frodo, in the worst case scenario.) This really wouldn't be any different from any relationship he's ever had -- except with Blair, to be fair -- in that he doesn't actually give a shit about the girls he dates because he doesn't think that women are actually people. Good sleuthin', G. This should work.
UWS
Steven: "This is the guy my daughter's dating? Oy."
Serena: "I haven't read that article. One, because I hate Dan Humphrey. Two, because I have trouble with the written word."
Steven: "Let me summarize. Last girlfriend was a madam. Before that, he dated con artists -- with an s because that's how you show a plural -- and then also he was a prostitute through most of high school and does gay stuff with at least two other dudes on this show. And also you, which is like that whole thing of you're sleeping with everybody they slept with and that's why there's no footprints on the beach or whatever."
Serena: "When you say it like that he almost seems interesting, but please stop judging my lifestyle. This show is one constant generation-spanning orgy. And I am looking at you when I say that, Gramps."
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Serena: "When you say it like that he almost seems interesting, but please stop judging my lifestyle. This show is one constant generation-spanning orgy. And I am looking at you when I say that, Gramps."
Sage, once again literally: "Dad, can he come to the horse show with us?"
I'm out.
DUMBO
Ivy: "This loft is full of boxes from your old life with Lily. Can I unpack them for you? I have a history of worming my way into people's lives and going through their shit, you may as well know that about me."
Rufus: "I am too busy having lost my entire fucking mind to worry about 'things.' Do whatever you want."
He goes off to this "art gallery" they won't shut up about. I hope it's a cardboard box in the park that he's decorating with little Blair Witch people. "Oh, Possum Corpse Vanessa, you say the most pretentious things. Let me just apply a bit more lipstick to your possum corpse lips... There, perfect."
Ivy: "Oh, a waffle iron. Oh, a letter from Lily about that time Rufus fucked her on the night of her wedding to Bart Bass, which would never in a million years exist because Lily is not retarded. Oh, another waffle iron. Oh, an entire lacquered box full of chokers. Oh, an entire box of lady's rollneck cardigans. Oh, Rufus's dignity. Wondered where that went. Oh and hey, Lisa Loeb! Wash that greasy hair, please."
Lisa Loeb: "I only hear what I want to."
UWS
Steven: "Why didn't you tell me you fucked Sage's boyfriend?"
Serena: "Is that a thing? What part of we have all fucked each other do you not understand?"
Steven: "I guess it's true, I knew you rolled hardcore. I've had my share of St. Jude's boys too. The life of a pharmaceutical executive with mostly gay friends is, as you can imagine, often filmed in Technicolor. But see, my shit is not about to be in a magazine."
Serena: "Ah."
Steven: "Would the author of these happen to be a massive cunt with a huge grudge against you? Maybe we should make a list of the people we've slept with, that's sure to ruin our entire relationship."
Serena: "Can we spend an inordinately long amount of time explaining to the audience and each other what sex actually is?"
Steven: "Check out this gamechanger."
Serena: "[Throws majorly awesome shade Georgina's way. I hate that we never get to see her being a bitch to people, it's beautiful.]"
Georgina: "Serena, I need to commandeer your phone for this conversation. Can't have any secret surveillance going down, not to mention I'm going to swipe your sex tape off your phone so smoothly Jacob didn't even see me do it* the first time."
Serena: "No prob. It's like unutterably sad that I even still have it."
*(What, like I'm gonna pick up on Georgina making a sneaky face? She has like ten faces tops. All are sneaky.)
SPECTATOR
Nate: "[Money things.]"
Bart: "I have appeared! Listen, bummer about that mean profile..."
Nate: "I can't believe you just walked in here unmolested. On this show, of all places. But either way, I don't mind the Dan thing. We're all journalists here, or whatever we are."
Bart: "Your innocence is delectable. Let's talk money."
Nate: "Money? I love talking about money. You go first."
HO PARTY
Serena: "So did you write a chapter about me?"
Dan: "It is all that I do, Sabrina."
Serena: "Seriously, douchebag. What did you write and when will it come out?"
Dan, verbatim: "Well that would ruin all the fun!"
Serena: "Jesus Christ. You can't be bitchy and resentful toward both me and Blair at the same time. You gotta pick. Now for the real, did you write about that time I fucked you on that bar at the Campbell Apartment?"
Dan: "No, I left that part out. For no reason at all."
Serena: "Whew!"
Dan: "But I will be writing about this conversation, because you are coming off desperate."
Serena: (Looks around at the multitude of hos. Bounces.)
You know what, it's also much more fun watching Dan being bitchy. I've never liked the guy, so this is actually a step up in that he's fun to watch and not just immensely disappointing.
SPECTATOR
Nate: "So all you're saying is that you want to back my concern and then I will write nice things about you and Lily? The way everything works, all the time? Hmm."
Bart: "Yeah, look how much old sad Gen-Xers were excited to read your story on Rufus Humphrey. I figure old people are the new young people. Once they learn how to use the internet, your magazine or whatever will be the new Huffington Post for old bored white people."
Nate: "First it's fluff pieces, it's writing bad things about Chuck. I know how this works and I am not interested in being your rentboy. That was another time in my life. Get out. I have a business to destroy."
Bart: "Cool. Before I leave, one more terrible suggestion that you're going to do just because you're Nate and you immediately do whatever people say no matter how dumb it is. I want you to artificially inflate your revenue in order to get bank funding, okay?"
Nate: "Absolutely I will do that because you told me to."
Nate, immediately: "And while I'm at it... Ivy, get over here. I have an idea for how to ruin all of our lives. I am having them at a furious rate."
EMPIRE
Lily: "How come you're not answering my calls?"
Chuck: "Blah blah burying the hatchet with my father involves not talking to either of you."
Blair: "I got tix for the horse show! Oh, hey Lily."
Lily: "Well, I am coming to that for sure."
Lady loves herself a horse show.
Chuck: "Okay fine. But don't invite Bart. It would ruin my curious plan I am lying about and just made up."
SPECTATOR
Ivy: "I'm here, Nate. What's your terrible stupid idea?"
Nate: "I guess it involves you coming all the way here from DUMBO so that we can immediately go back to DUMBO."
Ivy: "The fun! It has already started."
DUMBO
Nate: "Sure are a lot of boxes in here! Full of private stuff. Your favorite kind of stuff. So listen, I know you released that story about Rufus suing Dan that you made up. Then I thought, maybe you were the one that let GG know about the Lily/Rufus hookup."
Ivy: "[Still desperately trying to make her storyline make sense by yelling about how Lily is a bitch.] Essentially, I am poor and don't understand the concept of bygones and have no reason whatsoever to be on this show."
Nate: "I've been making that work for six seasons now."
Idea: The only thing I love as much as Nate Archibald or Hamish Bowles, but in real life, is Gwyneth Paltrow, and the only thing I love as much as GOOP does not exist. My suggestion, then, is that Nate convert The Spectator to a lifestyle newsletter. Best places to buy hash, best way to scam free penthouse apartments for a just few downlow handjobs a month, the best places to pick up old withered ladies, the best gifts to bring your dad in prison besides a sock in the mouth.
I recently picked up Poppy Lifton's book Crimes Vs. Fashion, and was inspired by her journey from Page Six "It" girl to convicted Ponzi schemer and Bible-fund robber to fashion and health guru. After spending several years in a supermax women's prison learning makeup tips and macrobiotic cooking from a centuries-old Tibetan monk, Poppy has returned to the Upper East Side older, wiser, and I think much stronger. I was so inspired by her fictional plan to build satellites in Africa for some unexplained reason that I actually just handed my iPhone to a child last week outside a Broadway opening. I didn't immediately recognize the kid in question as Jaden Smith, but...
NOOP. Think about it.
Nate: "But listen, old people don't read Gossip Girl. You should do what Bart blatantly told me to tell you to do, and publish your poison pen bullshit on my reputable fanzine or catalog or app."
Ivy: "I thought young people don't read Gossip Girl. Who the hell reads Gossip Girl?"
HORSES HORSES HORSES
Lily, verbatim: "...But why would you insist on keeping your attendance at an equestrian event a secret?"
The new lie is that Chuck is thinking of buying this horse farm, and he doesn't want Bart to know he's doing it until he's sure about the deal. Lily is ever so proud of this plan.
Lily: "I know the place quite well. I actually put my horses there when we first moved back out east. And... I mean, I could show you around? I promise, not a word of this to your father."
Heartbreaking, really.
SERENA, EPICALLY
"...And then there was Ben, [with whom] -- contrary to some forged documents -- I didn't sleep [...] when I was fifteen. Not until after he got out of prison. And that was the last guy I was with before you."
Steven: "That was a year and a half ago? Not even one random hookup, between the jailbird and me?"
Serena: "Not counting for coke, no. Is that so hard to believe?"
Sage: "Good news! Nate is also going to the horse show. We can talk about how we've all fucked each other, it'll be good family fun."
Serena: "Are you sure you want me to come along?"
Sage: "Yeah, you've proven an effective ally against my dad. Which is really super healthy."
Serena: "Yes! I am the best stepmother of the universe!"
HORSES
Lily, again verbatim: "Bart dear, I know you're going to be devastated, but I was thinking we should cancel our dinner with the Kranzlers this evening."
Her cover story is that she doesn't feel like it, and will be going to the spa for a facial instead. Sometimes you go with what feels right.
Bart: "Hey, do you want me to go yell at Chuck at all? Since I know you're with him."
Lily: "No, I'm over the fact that Gossip Girl reported that I acted like a huge whore with the grossest person in New York. I'm all, Whatever! And it wasn't him anyway, he told me so. And before you ask unnecessarily, yes I believe him."
Nobody: "You know what, now that I think about it, it's probably the insane con artist with a huge grudge against Lily that is now sleeping with Rufus and has access to all his shit."
Lily tries to drag Chuck off for a mother/daughter exploration of the grounds and endless recitation of her ridiculous childhood that has never made sense in terms of either time or space, but Blair jumps in with a quick Princess Anne horse joke that never lands and in the end doesn't work anyway, so Lily runs off with old Chuck.
Sage: "Nate, you remember my dad. He punched you for fucking an underage girl?"
Serena: "Yes, and then I talked such bullshit that everybody got over it."
Steven: "You want to be best friends now?"
Nate: "Yes, let's be best friends. Oh, we can talk about doing it with Serena! That's how this show usually operates."
Announcer: "Sheikh Hassan's daughter is just leaving the field. Avoid the steaming divot!"
Chuck: "Lily, I have to go talk to that little girl for a second."
Lily: "Nothing odd about that, no sir."
Chuck: "Can I buy your horse? Just kidding, I gotta yell at you about your dad for a minute."
HO PARTY
Georgina: "Pick your ho, Humphrey. I don't have all day."
Dan: "This just isn't me! I respect women, just as long as they do exactly what I say at all times!"
Georgina: "Give me a goddamn break."
WEIRD SEGUE
Weird because I think there's an actual, intentional comparison here between Dan literally shopping for poon and Chuck discussing the buying of horses with various people. That sounds like too much credit, though.
Chuck: "[Random Bruce Wayne talk.]"
Iman: "That's so funny you would say all those words, because Lady Alexander was my childhood horse and Bart bought her from me instead of sending her to the glue factory and then randomly had a painting painted of her and then also bought a million other horses from my father, a Sheik."
Chuck: "[Still not putting it together.]"
Bart, suddenly: "I have appeared!"
Iman: "Uncle Bart! I was just telling your son about your weird predilection for having famous portraits done of horses."
RHODES HARD & PUT AWAY WET
Sage: "Who is that astonishingly beautiful WASP over there?"
Serena: "That's my mom. Let's go meet her."
Sage: "Can I call her Grandma?"
Serena: "Well, it would kill her, but... No. Gotta say no."
Lily: "Serena, who's this? Your much older mentor?"
Serena: "No, this is my stepdaughter-to-be."
Lily: "Bitch, she's older than you are. What the hell."
Serena: "Think it through..."
Lily: "...So you must be dating a much older, rich guy. Got it. Well done, sweetie."
Lily: "Did you ever think maybe you have a Daddy Complex? And that I am to blame?"
Serena: "No, you jackass. That never once occurred to me."
Nate and Steven continue to bro out, reaching heretofore unknown -- "Wait, so you really played basketball at Duke?" -- levels of flesh-crawling weirdness.
Serena: "Nate, get off him. Jesus."
Steven: "Well, we are in love."
Lily: "Holy shit. You're that Steven Spence?"
Steven: "Do I know you?"
Lily: "Your dick does, jerk."
Somehow in the very instant this is going down, the Spectator sends out a blast about how Serena and Lily are both such whores that their sexual Venn Diagrams have finally crossed. How could this happen, considering Nate is one of the people involved? The answer eludes us all, but most especially Nate Archibald, under which we can I think safely file this one without further inquiry.
FILE IT UNDER NOOP
Steven: "Well, there goes our bromance."
Lily: "Uh, why are you yelling at Nate?"
Steven: "Is he your kid too?"
Lily: "That may well have happened at some point. Now, let's get back to you and me."
Serena: "What is even going on?"
Steven: "Oh, I remember. You were Lily Mueller then [Yessss! You think that was Klaus with a K or Claus with a C?] and I had just hurt my knee skiing in Verbier, so I was all drugged up, and then we were both at the Bancroft wedding in an Irish castle and we fucked in the dungeon."
(Yeah for real that is what happened.)
Lily: "Oh you were high when we fucked? That's a relief, I just thought you were being rude when I ran into you at all those social events we're always going to."
Serena, quick when it suits her: "And yet somehow you never put together he was the same guy that was famously dating your famous daughter until just now at this horse show?"
Lily: "No, I knew. I'm just a bitch."
Bart: "Why are you here looking at horses, Chuck?"
Chuck: "What, I like horses. Big deal."
Bart: "Are you playing Lily somehow?"
Chuck: "Uh, you're the one that's having everybody followed again, which almost causes a divorce every time you do it. And sometimes gets people murdered, and sometimes you have to dress up all the Charlies as prostitutes for some reason."
Bart: "Stop liking animals. You're such a little pussy, just like your mother."
Chuck: "Which one."
SNATE
Sage: "What the hell, bro?"
Nate: "I got a list of everybody Lily ever fucked from an unnamed source, and just ran it without looking at the nam... You know what, I'm going to keep that part of the explanation to myself."
Sage: "My dad was really warming up to you. I just don't even get why you're after Lily. You're like the only person she hasn't accidentally fucked over on this entire show, including Chuck who is the only one she even likes."
Nate: "I don't have anything against Lily! Just success."
LET'S JUST TOSS BLAIR IN THERE TOO
Blair: "What's the haps? And where have I been this whole time? Although thank God, since I'm even more poorly written than usual in this episode."
Chuck: "The Sheik is dead, my dad's a dick, and that little girl doesn't know shit."
Blair: "A little girl I can terrorize? Be right back."
Blair: "LITTLE GIRL. HELP CHUCK OR ELSE."
Iman: "Um, with what? He just threatened me with rape under the guise of asking horse questions, nothing I can't handle but certainly not something I can help him with."
Blair: "[Shitty racist joke.] Uncle Bart had your horses killed, okay? He doesn't give a shit. Now help Chuck."
Iman: "Okay, if I 'help' him, which you still haven't explained, will you stop bugging me? That look in your eyes gives a girl a chill."
UWS
Steven: "So about that sex..."
Serena: "I'm sorry, but it's gonna take me more than a car ride to forget the fact that you slept with my mother."
Steven: "Um, really?"
Serena: "No. Of course not."
EMPIRE
Iman: "Apparently they just let little girls wander into the penthouse here."
Chuck: "Baby, they have express orders to do just that whenever the opportunity presents itself."
Iman: "Anyway, as has been obvious since at least the beginning of this episode, the reason your dad bought all those horses is because the US has an embargo against the Sudan and you can't buy oil directly."
Chuck: "Explain in excruciating detail. This is the kind of thing your average Gossip Girl viewer really wants to hear all about."
THE BANK
Fake Banker, or "Fanker," In Bart Bass's Employ: "Gosh, these artificially inflated numbers seem much more inflated than last time."
Nate: "I did some artificial inflating of them. Bart Bass told me to."
Fanker: "Spoiler alert, secretly he also told me to do this."
Nate: "Do what?"
Fanker: "Approve your loan or whatever was going on."
Nate: "Hurrah!"
And so it is -- cheeks rosy, eyes glossy -- that Mr. Man finally heads home for a much-needed little nap.
Fanker: "I did exactly what you said."
Bart: "Everybody always does, for no real reason."
Fanker: "So you're cosigning this loan even though you know he's terrible at his job, yes?"
Bart: "I need a whatever-the-Spectator-is for when whatever is going on starts to go on."
Fanker: "Now will you be paying in cash, or horses?"
PRADA
Lily: "Yeah, so on the one hand I lied to you. But on the other hand you had us followed."
Bart: "Yeah, but as usual I was right to do that, because you are always sketchy at all times."
Lily: "Charles loves you! And I love him!"
Bart: "Sorry but you can't hang out with him anymore until he is destroyed utterly."
Lily: "You bastard! HE IS MY ONLY CHILD!"
EMPIRE
Blair: "So wait, explain this Sudan thing to me one m
NOPE
Jean-Pierre: "Prettiest Minion reporting in. Your mother is about to come over here and fuck up your life. You have a month to turn shit around."
Blair: "But I'm just so concerned about this Sud
STILL NO
Nate: "Thanks for letting me slide on this deal where I published a news article about what a whore you are, Lily. That's really unrealistic and I'm really grateful."
Lily: "Bitch, you know I been drinkin'."
Nate: "Still, I appreciate it."
Sage, appearing: "I guess since everybody has forgiven everybody else, and I didn't really give a shit in the first place, I can forgive you too."
Nate: "Whatever, I can already barely remember what happened in this episode. Let's have us some NAMBLA sex."
DUMBO
Rufus: "Let's just get rid of all this stuff. We're poor and this loft is so tiny and we need money for the meth Jacob has decided we're on."
Ivy: "Even this box of waffle irons? Even all these incriminating photos of Lily having sex with the entire grunge movement? Even Lisa Loeb?"
Lisa Loeb: "I'm only hearing negative, guys."
SEX TAPE
Serena: "Oh shit, is this sex tape still on this phone that I gave Georgina? I guess I better erase it. It's just super sad that I have it at this point, even after my coke whore phase and coming back from the dead and Dan being absolutely miserable to me in every episode."
Georgina: "Phillip, get in here and bring some popcorn and an afghan because Momma is very excited. I haven't seen a sex tape of Serena's since that time we had a threesome and killed a guy, and I plan to masturbate myself to exhaustion."
WALDORF
Blair: "Oh my God, Humphrey. Why the fuck are you in my house?"
Dan: "I realized I don't want to sleep with any more sad young literary girls, which made me feel good. But then I realized I wouldn't have any women to mistreat, and that made me sad. And now I am here."
Blair: "Well, you can have Serena's room. That'll fuckin' show her. Hope you don't mind sharing a bathroom."
WEEK
Oh, who cares. This season's been pretty fun so far, I'm not hating exactly, but honestly at this point who knows what's going on. episode is the halfway point, so it'll probably be pretty plotty, which in the last three seasons has become the new measure of excellence -- how much shit goes down in a given episode -- so by that standard it'll rock regardless. And then overall, you're looking at what, six episodes to get Blair and Dan back together so they can break up and finally get Dan and Serena back together and Blair and Chuck married in the finale. Not exactly differential equations, that math.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife and Homeland for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, his novel The Urges, and a novelette, "The Commonplace Book," appeared this month on Tor.com.