Fallout Girl

S05E24

Against the steady drumbeat of Gossip Girl's nonstop avalanche of secrets from Blair's diary, the whole cast moves themselves into new positions and alignments. Nothing is true and everything is up for grabs and the shippers are melting down and the whole thing is just a glorious trainwreck on fire. I haven't been this proud since the time everybody on the show turned into Serena at the same time and she got etherized and kidnapped.

The big party at the end of the episode is for the Shepherd Divorce, which everybody knows was the same wedding six years ago that sent Nate into Serena's arms for a public boning, and eventually led to Serena killing a guy and running away to boarding school. Meanwhile, Chuck plans a big press conference for his father's return to the land of the living, and Lola is presented with her mother's half of the Rhodes estate.

In the end, Lola is pissed off enough by the latest Lily/Carol bullshit that she signs her money over to Ivy, on one condition: They use part of it to take Lily down. It's a nice landing place for both girls... Especially since Lily has icily annulled her marriage to Rufus and chosen Bart Bass for her husband! Maximum crazy for year!

Blair sends her minions out to make amends for every terrible thing she's ever said, but after she adds to this a plan to destroy Serena from the ground up, S has no choice but to co-opt the Plastics into a plan of her own. Seems Dan's the latest one to present Blair with a big Empire State Building ultimatum: Meet him at the Shepherd Divorce and be coerced into declaring her love, or it's over.

Serena's plan: To distract Blair from ever arriving, and fuck Dan on a very similar bar as she did Nate once upon a time. They've done enough to set up her desperation this year that it actually makes sense. And while she gets the deed done, Dan immediately figures out the whole plan -- and that Serena taped the whole thing, just in case she needed to further ruin everybody's lives at once.

But ironically, the distraction wasn't necessary: Blair had already made her choice, and run once again to be with Chuck. And so it is that she finds him at the press conference, being humiliated before the media by his father, who's reassuming control of Bass Industries. After a dorky, unbelievable conversation about how all of Chuck's problems are Blair's fault, of course, Chuck turns her down viciously, once again... But B doesn't go down that easily. Having been given control of Waldorf Designs, and given a major brush-off by Dan, she's now officially Powerful enough to woo Chuck properly without feeling like a pathetic robot, so she follows him to the Continent, leaving him jaw-dropped and impressed.

Which leaves Dan with an extra ticket to Rome -- and Georgina his excited recipient. Seems he wants to spend the summer with her writing a tell-all that will put Inside to shame. And back in America, Diana sends Nate a fresh clue to the identity of the real Gossip Girl, giving him that sheer, see-through semblance of a storyline with which he often excels.

And what about Serena? Ohhh, Serena. After pulling her most egregious Dark Phoenix monster bullshit yet -- and emotionally trounced when Dan answers her declarations of love with the fact that the Rufus annulment means he'll never have to see her again -- she goes absolutely apeshit, climbs onto a train, and starts her new job of fucking dudes for coke while she stares out the window in abject ennui.

So. Thoughts? For me, I've liked the back half of this season, especially once Blair turned back into a Blair-shaped object. I've been asking for Serena to go mental for five years now, so that was satisfying. I love Blair and Dan as a couple, but I'm not the writer of the show, so whatever. I'm not selfish or childish enough to judge on that criterion. And of course, the big news is that (last) season will have a new exec, again -- in this case, probably my favorite writer still on staff -- which is always a fun ride. Especially since it's only 11 episodes. I dunno. I don't think any shipper anywhere could possibly be satisfied with this, so Twitter is probably blowing the hell up, but that just makes me love it more. I couldn't be more excited or pleased with how things ended, personally. XOXO.

PREVIOUSLY

At some point I'm not exactly clear on just yet, Serena submitted a page of Blair's diary to the real Gossip Girl, with the hopes of sinking the blossoming Dair and/or putting Chair back together. Between the setting of the bomb and its explosion, however, Blair and Serena had a really sweet scene together that seemed it might have solved Serena's season-long problem with being a crazy person. Bart returned to eff up Lily and Rufus's effed-up marriage. Oh, and way back before the show started, Serena and Nate did it at the Shepherd Wedding, which spun Serena out into a pants-free killing spree that ended with her sending herself to boarding school. Tonight -- brilliantly! -- the Shepherds are getting divorced.

In the real world, of course, our loss was Smash's gain. I've bitched nonstop about the show for the last two years, of course, but I must say that everything I didn't like over here will be a great boon over there. Safran's a stand-up guy, and I'll miss his particular viewpoint. The silver lining is that -- for GG's final, 11-episode season, the exec will be Sara Goodman, who I very much adore. To wit: Georgina takes down Poppy Lifton's Ponzi scheme, loses the love of Jesus and Lily sends Serena to Gotye jail! Jenny orders a Halloween assassination hit on Eric's boyfriend! Jenny and the drug-shrug! That fake psychiatrist lady is brainwashed into giving Lily fake cancer! Nate and Raina vogue, stoned, while Eric and Damian's relationship goes from creepy to creepier! And those are just the pretty good ones; she also wrote these highlights of the series-as-a-whole: Dan fingerbangs Cousin Peepers on Queller's desk, and she makes him call her Serena! Serena and her best buddy Inspector Chevalier solve the mystery of Henry Prince! And then -- in addition to tonight's finale episode -- the gold-star High Achiever Award-Winner of the last two seasons overall: The Night Of 1000 Serenas, where Juliet roofies her and kidnaps her! Anyway, that's what is going on behind the scenes, and I couldn't be happier: Two shows will be coming back in the fall with a shitload of firepower behind them, and I think it'll be great.

PLACES TO LIVE

Serena's making movie deals, but Blair won't talk to her houseguest. Speaking of how it's your house and you should get to decide who lives there, Chuck learns that apparently Nate has invited Lola to come live with them and doesn't think that's a terrible idea -- which it is -- because he is busy having stars in his eyes because Bart is alive. Over in DUMBO, Rufus is being ignored by Lily, and Lily is just finding out back at PRADA that Bart is alive. She pours vodka directly into her teacup and slurps it a tiny bit.

DIARY OF A MAD BLAIR WOMAN

Serena: "I didn't send her that shit, I just scanned your diary into my laptop to see how technology works, and then she stole it."
Blair: "That does make more sense, but you're still in big trouble. I stole Dan's phone because he can only access the Internet through his phone, but you also put stuff about my bitch mother in there, and GG is continually releasing pages like timed landmines throughout every part of my life."
Serena: "Well, Dan's a pretentious writer, surely he understands that private diary thoughts are not worth fucking about with. Haven't you read Harriet the Spy, or seen Girls?"
Blair: "You know as well as I do that nobody under forty in New York will admit to watching that show."
Serena: "I will do what I can to fix it. And by that I mean, I will be ineffectual in most ways."

Blair: "Dorota! Make a list of every bitchy thing I ever journaled!"
Dorota: "This be full-time project."

NOLA

Lola: "I'm so excited! I'm going on tour with Wicked!"
Nate: "I was going to keep you as a pet. Sad face."
Lola: "It's also about getting theatrical experience, though. So this is a non-factor, right?"
Nate: "Technically yes, but this face of mine has gone into full pout mode."

WALDORF

Eleanor: "Blair darling, why is our maid carrying your entire set of Tiffany-blue heart-locketed journals going back to when you were just a tiny little asshole? And more importantly, why are you dressed like White Trash Barbie?"
Blair: "There is no explanation for the latter. To the former, I can only say that probably the horrible things I think and say could very well impact your business. Since it's been a couple months since I last endangered your livelihood, and all."

By Jacob Clifton

WALDORF

"My mother considers herself an arbiter of Parisian style, but the only French she's intimate with are ... fries."

Eleanor, awesomely: "Well. The reflections of an overprivileged and under-attentive thirteen-year-old have no bearing on the business I'm in town for."
Blair: "We can talk more about that, but my minions have arrived."

Dorota hands out diaries to the Plastics, and they do minion-y things. Haven't missed those ladies, not one bit.

VDW/W

Serena: "Dan, hi. I'm really sorry about what I did but I am fixing it."
Dan: "What you did? Oh boy. What is it this time?"
Serena: "Who cares, just don't read Gossip Girl, okay? As an act of your higher moral character."
Dan: "Okay, I'm going to go read Gossip Girl now. Duh."

And what is her plan? Oh, it's real simple.

Serena: "Dear Gossip Girl (whose email address is simply Gossip Girl), I will do anything to keep you from posting more of this shit. Signed, Faustus."

DUMBO

Rufus: "Hey Dan, have you given any thought to my problems?"
Dan: "No, to the extent that I have no idea what you are talking about."
Rufus: "I'm talking about my bigamist wife who pays for all our food, clothing and shelter. She's going to need an annulment, and I'm starting to think that my constant emotional abuse and complete lack of a personality or charisma might end up being a bad thing."

PRADA

Bart: "So where does all this leave us? And why are you dressed like Eighties Trash Barbie?"
Lily: "To the second question, there is no answer. To the first, I'm interested to see what your take is. I have become quite the negotiator since you died."
Bart: "Well, first I want to thank you for adopting Chuck, which everybody including the recapper forgot about. That was a cool move."
Lily: "He's the only person on this show I like, so it wasn't really a question. But it's funny that we're now legally married and legally share a son."
Bart: "Isn't it? Hey, what if I just move in here and be normal and stuff?"
Lily: "I'll need to see your portfolio first."
Bart: "I mean, things are going great with Rufus, right?"
Lily: "Lol."

By Jacob Clifton

WALDORF

Blair has an awesome grid of apology gestures, from flowers to donations to personal visits, arranged for every person, designer and restaurant that she might have pissed off. The minions run down each of her poison pen victims, and she assigns multiple tasks for each person.

Blair, verbatim: "Skip MOMA, Tim Burton isn't art. I stand by that statement."

You and me both, lady. GG interrupts with a Dan/Chuck-related blast that seems to be a very big deal -- the Minions' jaws drop as one -- and she sends the gals out to do their damage control. For Penelope, though, Blair has a new task that wets her lips and eyes: Find all of Serena's secrets, and detonate the biggest one. We're going nuclear.

THE MISSING D

But what is the blast? While Chuck administrates his hotel stuff and gets everybody ready for Bart Bass's press conference, we finally see it.

"This new romance with Dan is fun, but is cultural stimulation enough? What if I never love anyone more than I love Chuck?"

Even GG notes the present-tense on that last verb; it does not escape the subjects of her ponderings either. So I guess now Dan knows that at some point in time, for at least as long as it took to write this paragraph, Blair indulged her natural prerogatives to juggle strong emotions toward multiple people, like we all do, and engage in healthy introspection about her own feelings, which we all could stand to do more of.

Let the weekly game of "Let's Make Blair's Decisions For Her!" begin. God knows she doesn't deserve agency in her own life, right?

DUMBO

Blair: "Dan! Hey! How is going, little guy? You're looking nice after last week's debacle..."
Dan: "Rrrgh."
Blair: "You saw Gossip Girl, I take it."
Dan: "I bought a new phone because I thought I lost mine. You'll be reimbursing me."
Blair: "Look. That was written before our ill-fated hotel sex, and thus completely changed in the wake of our drunken elevator makeout later in that episode. It's old news, buddy."
Dan: "But I still need you to tell me that you love me, in precisely the words I am ordering you to do so."
Blair: "Honey, let's just move on."
Dan: "And still you resist saying exactly what I want you to say, when I have given you a direct order! I'll remind you that my emotional terrorism ultimatum comes with a trip to Rome attached..."
Blair: "Fine, I'll leave you hanging until the big party at the end of the episode, which brilliantly bookends the Shepherd symbolism as two boundaries of both our relationships with Serena. Don't do anything world-wrecking and horrible between then and now, okay?"
Dan: "They call me Lonelyboy for a reason, lady."

EMPIRE

Lola: "Hey, Nate! I just met with the people so now I'm here to talk to you about whatever..."
Wm vdW: "Daughter! Here is all of your jailbird mom's money."
Lola: "That is a lot of money, you guys. I guess I can do whatever I want now."
Nate: "Yeah, like move in with me and live here and not live out your dreams."
Lola: "It's going to take me a second to figure out how to Vanessa this shit all up. However, I am pleasantly surprised that you didn't keep this money for yourself, Dad."
Wm vdW: "Rest assured I'm working some kind of angle."

THE TWO MR. LILYS

Bart: "Rufus. You're looking underdoggy today."
Rufus: "That's just my natural thing. Sign these annulment papers, please."
Bart: "So Lily's made up her mind?"
Rufus: "Don't be silly. This isn't up to her."
Bart: "I've changed a lot in the time I've been dead. I'm going to still leave it up to Lily, though. Since she's a person."
Rufus: "You're going to have to translate that into Humphrey."
Bart: "Fine, I'll sign it. But more than likely I have something even worse up my sleeve."

VAN DER WALDORF

Serena: "Blair, I just got screwed out of working on another movie with David Mamet! And it says on Gossip Girl that I never even read The Beautiful & Damned, which is totally untrue! It's the only book I've ever read! How dare you journal that?"
Blair: "I didn't. I wrote it today and faxed it to Gossip Girl to fuck with you."
Serena: "What the hell?"

"I will never love Chuck again after what he did tonight. He's a monster, and deserves to be alone forever."

Blair: "So are you happy now? Now that I'm as lonely and miserable as you are?"
Serena: "I am not to blame for everything bad in your life! The fact is that you spent this season juggling Chuck and Louis. Why steal Dan too?"
Blair: "You don't steal boys. You should know this by now, and you probably would if you'd grown up even one little bit since high school."
Serena: "Ouch! Well, you're still in love with Chuck. Deal with that."
Blair: "That sentence does to me what the word irrelevant does to you. And I just remembered this is my house and you only live here because we're friends, so guess what."
Serena: "Can I remind you that I knew what was in these diaries the entire time, and still loved and supported you? Even knowing that you weren't really into Dan. And now you're kicking me out? Just for ruining your life?"

JAIL

Carol: "Being on the inside has made me a different person. Prepare for me to act normal and caring. We'll start with, what a nice surprise that your father didn't doublecross us like I assumed he would, or like I keep doing to him. I'm glad you have all this money! We don't use money in here. Just cigarettes."
Lola: "I can't wait to get you a great lawyer."
Carol: "The firm of Abrams & Weil has taken my case! Based on reading about me in the New York Social Diary, I guess my relationship to the Lily and Bart situation is finally getting momma some traction..."
Lola: "Wait. Did you say Abrams? That's what people always call me, softly and under their breath, when I act the fool."
Carol: "In any case, move in with Nate. I don't really care about anything anymore."

Lola: Dear Lily, we need to talk about some things. I'm worried your sister has gone crazy. She's acting way too much like a mom right now and it's freaking me out.

EMPIRE

Bart: "Allow me to reiterate that I am proud of you, son. Even though you're wearing more purple than ever."
Chuck: "And how are things going with you and Rufus's ridiculous pissing contest?"
Bart: "She's a Powerful Woman, Charles. Which reminds me, how is life under Blair's constant fickle flakiness treating you these days?"
Chuck: "Somewhere between getting shot and having amnesia and importing a French whore to be my girlfriend, that got messed up. I didn't rape anybody, but I did break some housewares and went through a Fight Club period."
Bart: "And then she married a prince, and now she's with Dan Humphrey? That is a fucking laugh. Get in there, little man."

PRADA

Lily: "Lola, if you need any money for Carol's defense..."
Lola: "I have shitloads of money. And her lawyers are working for free anyway."
Vanya: "Mrs. Humphrey, I have unrelated legal matter for you."

It's the annulment papers, signed, which means Bart took Rufus at his word, which is ridiculously stupid. Lily tells Lola to leave so she can go freak out, having lost -- as far as she knows -- her Bart Bass lifeline, but of course Lola sneaks a peek at the envelope: It's from Abrams & Weil, and since she doesn't know this is about the bigamy stuff she presumably presumes that Lily is pulling some shit on her mom.

By Jacob Clifton

PRADA

Lola: "As long as everybody else is merrily marching into hell, I might as well be a part of it. Let's fuck everything up for everybody, shall we?"

EMPIRE

Blair: "Hey, Chuck. Heard any good jokes lately?"
Chuck: "B, I'm more mature than that. What do I care about some shit you wrote in your diary a year ago? We've had some really intense and honest conversations since then."
Blair: "Exactly! Thank you. Nobody seems to get that, even though it's obvious."
Chuck: "Oh, I'm not done. Are we back in love? Have you dumped Dan yet? Because I'm moving on with my life otherwise."
Blair: "Um. I have not broken up with Dan. At this time."
Chuck: "Then this isn't exactly an ultimatum, is it?"

Dan text: This is what an ultimatum looks like. If you don't show up at the Shepherd Divorce Party and say the exact words in the exact order that I've been whining about for weeks now, I will take somebody's virginity at the top of the Empire State Building.

PENELOPE LOOKS

Absolutely stunning. She's headed out for the Shepherd Party, either because Blair fired her from Serena Recon duty or because that's part of her cover story, but either way it doesn't matter, because Serena buys her out from under Blair with an offer she can't refuse: Serena, Penny and the rest of the Minions are going to take Blair the fuck out.

It won't give S a home, but then she doesn't need one anymore. Just a cave with a cauldron and Internet access. As much as I was sorta dreading how this would all go down, I admit I'm impressed. They so quickly rerouted this storyline from "one small detail about Dair" to "everything everybody did" that it couldn't be less about Dan, just as I hoped. And the issue of blame, too, is instantly gone now that everyone's nuclear all of a sudden. We are all sons of bitches now. Serena Plan!

EMPIRE

Bart: "Hey, I just happened to pick up your engagement ring that you got killed for. I was there buying Lily a present to celebrate our annulment."
Lily: "Hey guys! I'm here to complicate everything."
Chuck: "Cool, I will just Gollum about this engagement ring for a while."
Minion: "And I will take a picture of you doing that. Serena Plan!"

WALDORF

Eleanor: "Despite my best efforts, and those of this show for the past two years, you have turned out pretty awesome at the last second."
Blair: "We are headed for a reckoning!"
Eleanor: "You think you're Jane Austen again, huh?"
Blair: "I'm growing out of drama, for real. It's a legit question, though. I like Dan for so many reasons, like he doesn't hit me or sell me for things. And then I also like Chuck, who hasn't done those things either. It's a morass! A reckoning, I say again, is nigh!"
Eleanor: "Which kind of love is better? Perfect In-Your-Head Love, or Mindless Self-Destructive Passion Love? Dawson or Pacey? Angel or Spike?"
Blair: "If only they were a single entity, or I made better choices. If only I'd never seen The Philadelphia Story."

Eleanor: "You are a Powerful Woman. You forgot it, but we didn't. How would you like to be my CEO at Waldorf Designs?"
Blair: "Wait, for real? Because I believe in fashion, you know that I do."
Eleanor: "Then I'm retiring, and you can just hire a great designer as your first job."

Penelope, suddenly: "Hey guys, what's going on?"
Eleanor: "You are being rude, asshole."
Penelope: "Well, just to delay, I should tell you that Serena is wearing a very similar outfit to the Shepherd Divorce. Serena Plan!"

SHEPHERD

Dan: "I am woozy! You sure do know a lot of drinking games."
Serena: "Baby, by the time this night's over I'll have committed another murder. Serena Plan!"
Dan: "I should drunk-text Blair while I can still spell."
Serena: "No! It'll ruin the romance of her showing up some time in the future, like you demanded she do or else."
Gossip Girl: "Here is a picture of Chuck Golluming out about his engagement ring."
Serena: "That is crazy."
Dan: "Maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion and without context, like always."
Serena: "Or else they are going to get married and you'll look like an asshole."

By Jacob Clifton

SHEPHERD

Eleanor: "Still here, bitch?"
Penelope: "Where's Blair?"
Eleanor: "She left through Serena's room to avoid you. She's a Powerful Woman, you idiot. She can spot a Serena Plan a mile away, especially when it depends on Being Places."
Penelope: "Serena does tend to underestimate other people's ability to do that."

INSIDE

Penelope texts Serena with the bad news, that Blair's on her way just as Dan childishly demanded, so Serena shifts her game into Ultra Hardcore Mode.

Serena: "Can you unzip my dress? When you show a little skin it reminds boys of being naked, and then they think of sex."
Dan: "Not subtle, but not wrong either. [Babble.] Anyway, I can't imagine that she would do something like agree to marry Chuck without telling me first."
Serena: "True, but I'm going to disagree on a technicality. We're like best friends, right? So listen when I tell you that Blair is a bitch and I've been watching her mistreat you all season."
Dan: "That's one way to contextualize things, I guess. But Blair isn't really that person..."
Serena: "She is exactly that person. We've both been thinking she'd changed, but -- at least for you -- that's because you've gotten her confused with Clair from Inside. Maybe she has too. The important thing is that you're a hipster boy who falls in love with your fantasies about women and not the women themselves."
Dan: "True enough."
Serena: "Hey, I should know. And anyway, I guess I'm feeling the champagne and the nudity right now, because it's making me say that Blair's scheming ass probably only ever dated you because she knew that I was still in love with you."
Dan: "Right words, wrong lady. Or is it?"

EMPIRE

Lily: "Bart, I don't mean to keep you from your press conference but I wanted to talk to you about annulment papers. I admit they were kind of a shock."
Sneaky Bart: "I mean, I assumed Rufus was on the up-and-up when he brought them to me, so I signed them. Your happiness being so important to me, who respects you."
Lily: "That sly motherfucker. Let me tell you a thing or two about Rufus Hum..."
Rufus: "-- It is I! Rufus Humphrey! All-time hypocrite! How dare you two share a drink before a big event!"
Bart: "Heh. My work here is done. I just wish I could watch you guys fight about this, but I have to go rise from the dead now."

Lily: "So you snuck around and got him to agree to end our marriage? And for what, like we're doing so hot? We haven't spoken in weeks, you make me feel like an asshole as like your primary preoccupation, and now you're making decisions for me like this?"
Rufus: "I just worried he would manipulate you into staying married to him, so I decided to solve things the Humphrey Way."
Lily: "Surprise! He signed the papers. Which I am now tearing up."

I had this irrational desire that she would ball them up and shove them in Rufus's mouth and he would choke on them. How weird. What's even weirder is, it seems like this is exactly how Bart wanted things to go down: Like Solomon cutting the baby in half, only Bart Bass is himself the baby. That takes confidence, my friend.

SCARY MONTAGE

Bart takes the podium, after a sweet introduction from his son; Dan and Serena fuck on the bar at the Shepherd divorce; Blair's in a car -- going where? -- to tell her final choice who she wants. Who will it be? I hope we don't have to wait too...

Ah. Blair arrives -- at the press conference! -- just in time to see Bart assume control of Bass Industries, and watch Chuck's whole lovely face just fall apart. Goodness.

I mean, I don't want Dan or Chuck to be unhappy, exactly, but everything is happening in such a scummy way that the surprise -- Blair seems to have actually chosen Chuck -- is buried under a lot of different feelings. You know? The trick to moving your chess pieces around is to do so much, so quickly and simultaneously, and with so much meaning behind every move, that you stop even seeing it as chesspiece-moving. I was thinking at the beginning of the episode that it would really benefit from a Sixties-style splitscreen situation, which was in vogue for a while with TV directors and then went away again, but I feel like I'm going nuts just because it's all happening: What if it was really all happening?

By Jacob Clifton

SCARY MONTAGE

Ah. Blair arrives -- at the press conference! -- just in time to see Bart assume control of Bass Industries, and watch Chuck's whole lovely face just fall apart. Goodness.

UPSTAIRS @ EMPIRE

Chuck: "So you took away my business? This is our new family partnership?"
Bart: "I am making the right call. My death meant a child inherited my company."
Chuck: "Which is thriving, thanks to me. And no thanks to your widow, or the Thorpes."
Bart: "I'm going to awkwardly make this about Blair somehow now."
Chuck: "Give it a shot."

Swing and a miss, but it's a soap opera so it makes sense to do this, but his final point actually is valid to the discussion:

Bart: "Not to mention going nearly bankrupt buying out her marriage from the Grimaldis. The engagement ring was just the final test, and you took it."
Chuck: "You handed it to me and encouraged me to make gestures. And I didn't even make the gestures! She dropped by twice today in the middle of her other storyline, that's it! I was too busy being a good son and not even waiting for this obvious other shoe to drop!"
Bart: "That was dumb, wasn't it. I'm the worst."

Bart very carefully rescinds every approving statement and loving thing he's done and said since returning from the dead -- for which he no longer thanks Chuck -- and even makes fun of the Empire before he's done. Final score, Chuck is still a boy and not a man, and only a Real Man can run Bass Industries.

Dan: "No seriously, you are super gross."
Serena: "...I know."

EMPIRE ROOFTOP

And the shocks keep coming! Man, this is twisty.

Blair: "Hey, Chuck. Sorry about your dad's latest bullshit."
Chuck: "I don't need your pity, Waldorf."
Blair: "No, see, I came here to tell you that I'm in love with you. I choose you."
Chuck: "That's the problem. I lost my life, again, because I choose you. I always put you first, and you always bet against me. Prince Louis, Dan Fucking Humphrey..."
Blair: "No, but I get it now! I'm Powerful now! I have Waldorf Designs, we can run that..."
Chuck: "The only reason Waldorf Designs exists is because I gave up my future to save it."
Blair: "So I would guess you have a vested interest, then..."
Chuck: "No. Every word out of my dad's mouth has defined the person I am. It's just how I roll. Serena's daddy issues are nothing -- nothing -- compared to mine."
Blair: "We can have a life."
Chuck: "That's not a life. That's Mr. Blair Waldorf. And I'm Chuck Bass."

Good Lord. I mean, it's well set up, it's all tracking in a neat way, but dang. Seems like somebody's been watching the show, all of a sudden. Interesting, isn't it? You can't help but, with a finale, see where all the pieces are going to fit. And at this point, with both presumed season-ending couples in a hell of their own devising... I mean, what if everybody just spontaneously turned back into people at this point? How great would that be?

A WEEK LATER

Chuck: "I am going to partner up with Uncle Jack and take Bart out at the knees. It's a deal with the devil, but I know we can get back what he stole."
Nate: "What a fun storyline! What will I be up to?"
Lola: "I'm still going on tour. So I guess it's just you and The Spectator."
Nate: "Aw, man. Still?"
Lola: "Also, in keeping with how I am the worst, I have donated Carol's half of the Rhodes estate to..."

PRADA

Lily: "Thanks for getting an annulment, Rufus. I am really happy to not be married to you anymore."
Rufus: "I have no convictions, so okay."

Bart: "How are you doing with all this?"
Lily: "I look forward to being the trophy rather than the tropher."

God's in his heaven, and everything is right with the world. Now all we need is for Rufus to go on a long drive with an ice cream sandwich, and things will be perfect.

By Jacob Clifton

A WEEK LATER

PRADA

Lily: "Thanks for getting an annulment, Rufus. I am really happy to not be married to you anymore."
Rufus: "I have no convictions, so okay."

Bart: "How are you doing with all this?"
Lily: "I look forward to being the trophy rather than the tropher."

God's in his heaven, and everything is right with the world. Now all we need is for Rufus to go on a long drive with an ice cream sandwich, and things will be perfect.

DUMBO

Serena: "Hey, I guess I've been wandering the streets for the last week. Can I use your shower?"
Dan: "I am too busy deleting every email Blair's sent me this week and packing for Rome, to even give you a proper dressing-down."
Serena: "We were both there! We both chose to do each other!"
Dan: "I was feeling sorry for myself, you were trying to destroy your best friend. Both gross reasons, but to compare is not to equate. As far as I'm concerned, our parents' divorce means I never have to see you again. Farewell."
Serena: "But I love you!"
Dan: "I said Farewell!"

Serena, outside: "Mysterious person, we must scheme. I have lost everything, even more so than this season has already set up -- pretty delicately, in hindsight, insofar as my desperation came off as more than just a plot device by the end -- and I am ready to go twice as crazy."

CHARLIES

MONTAGE

Jack and Chuck are counting cards in some casino, maybe in Monaco? So that's a sensible plan, I guess. Jack's a card-counter.

Over at the Empire, Diana sends Nate a thumb drive with footage of the real Gossip Girl stealing Serena's laptop at the India Sex Party, and it would seem to be ... A?

MOST DELICIOUSLY

Dan has done a full face-heel: He's joined in a towncar by Miss Georgina Sparks herself for some crackling dialogue and a free trip to Rome.

Georgina: "You're lucky you're on my free pass list, otherwise Phillip might've put up a fuss..."
Daniel: "This invitation isn't about seduction, Georgina, it's about scandal."
Georgina: "Can't a girl have both?"
Daniel: "I need your photographic memory and your passion for social upheaval to help me write the book about the Upper East Side. The book I should've written from the beginning."
Georgina: "Nothing like a scorned lover to scorch the earth. I can hardly wait."

Dan: "You always seem like the only person who understands what show we're on."

AND SERENA?

Well, she's back on the train... And fucking randoms for coke! Trainwreck on a train, holla! His name's Steve, but she don't care, she just wants to party. I'd watch your ass, Steve. You probably won't live for long.

BASS BOYS

Back at the casino, Jack produces... Blair? Looking glamorous as all hell.

Blair: "You fought for me all year. I've come to fight for you."
Dealer: "You all in?"
Blair: "You bet your ass. And I'll bet mine."

I buy in. I buy it all. Serena going full-on Leaving Las Vegas, Blair determining she can have her company and her Chuck too, Lily and Bart, and even Dan's new twist toward notoriety. It seems inevitable -- and not, for once, because the plot requires that people act stupid to justify the story. Blair making choices is a good thing, even if I don't love the choices she's making. It seems authentic to me, anyway. And if it pisses off shippers, which I am sure it will, so much the better. So Blair sits, and bets on them again, and Chuck stares, and she graces him with the sweetest smile on Planet Earth, and I'll see you in a few months. XOXO.

JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, True Blood, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.

By Jacob Clifton

Dan: "You always seem like the only person who understands what show we're on."

AND SERENA?

BASS BOYS

Back at the casino, Jack produces... Blair? Looking glamorous as all hell.

Blair: "You fought for me all year. I've come to fight for you."
Dealer: "You all in?"
Blair: "You bet your ass. And I'll bet mine."