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It may not have been entirely intentional, but that was one of the funniest episodes this show's ever done. Kudos to everybody for getting through it with a mostly straight face. And hurrah for the return of Lily, who says nothing better than anybody I can think of.
Dan, attempting to find and quash his book's secret publisher, accidentally prods his old mentor Noah Shapiro into outing him through a patently ridiculous scheme involving plagiarism, dinner parties, and an agent with unbelievable amounts of free time on her hands. Once the jig is up and he gets an advance copy, though, he starts getting into it.
Otherwise, Dan is up everybody's ass as usual: He won't leave Blair alone about finding out who her babydaddy is, and he won't stop trying to make Chuck feel things. He buys him a puppy and pretty much offers him a blowjob for some reason, making Nate jealous, but in the end when Blair reveals the royal father of her baby -- or is he? -- Chuck finally breaks down in tears, cuddling his puppy in bed. It is bonkers. The dog's name is Monkey, which is a treat for people who have suffered through the books, but the sheer bullshittiness of the moment is a treat for everybody.
Really, though, Dan should have been all up in Nate's Koolaid this week, of all weeks, because without Dan's obsessive micromanaging of everybody's life, Nate ends up in some sort of muckraking social networking sex cult with Elizabeth Hurley where he does gotcha WASPing and steals people's phones and who knows what all. As far as ludicrous plotlines go, this would normally come out on top, but honestly with this episode it's all equal amounts of crazy and nonsensical.
Serena, not satisfied with having kidnapped the fake Cousin Charlie back to the UES, tempts her with various Serena Machinations -- a dress, some champagne -- into living in the now-freed Lily's house... But not before some second-guessing puts Max back on Ivy's trail. Going off the bounced check from last week, Aunt Carol flies up to get rid of her faux daughter, but a well-meaning pep talk from Blair gets Ivy to turn the tables on Carol with lines like, "Everything sparkles here!" Anyway, she's inherited the Serena-Jenny-Serena bedroom at PRADA, and Aunt Carol skulks off into the darkness with or without trust fund access reinstated. It's pretty bananas.
On the good side, though, you have Louis's joy at his impending fatherhood, and a pretty solid and sweet, sad scene between Chuck and Blair when she gives him the news. Excellent acting all around, as usual, and a pretty complicated situation that gets the best out of both players. But in an hour of violently wheeling, bizarre motivations and witty-sounding non sequiturs at every turn, it shines even more beautifully.
week: Dan's book comes out, causing everybody to go wildly insane. Oh, and of course he made Nate gay in the book and implied that he had sex with Blair the night of their big kiss. Of course Dan did that.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Serena dragged Ivy back to the UES, still under the impression that she was actually Cousin Charlie. Dan found out that Chuck slept with Blair the night of the bar mitzvah, and that Blair was pregnant; he also got Chuck's help with his literary problems and got obsessed with making him feel feelings. And, last year, Lily went under house arrest for nine months because she forged an affidavit alleging that a private-school professor slept with her daughter. They got rid of half their children, and everybody was super bitchy to her because everybody is super bitchy.
CHEZ WALDORF
"They say the only way to conquer your fear is to face what you fear the most," Gossip Girl explains, while everybody gets ready for their day. "You must walk into the belly of the beast, and risk the possibility of failure. But try to hide from the fear, and you risk it swallowing you whole..." Blair's results are put into a very professional envelope and ready for pickup, Serena and Ivy arrive in town, and Nate is feeling very fancy about his new made-up job, which he believes is realistic in the same way that Serena always thinks her made-up jobs are real.
Meanwhile, Blair is not interested in her results, because she's reading about Grace Kelly some more. Reader Joseph V. pointed out that horrible Beatrice's big plans are similar to what went down in the 1950's with Prince Rainier. Antoinette, the Baroness of Massy, tried to usurp her brother by spreading rumors that his girlfriend was infertile; this ended up causing a breakup and he married Grace Kelly, who thence kicked the Baroness out altogether. I was so busy looking into the succession rules that I didn't even think to look for real stuff, but the Grace Kelly of it all makes this important. Plus, hopefully it means that we'll get to see Blair deliver a global smackdown to Beatrice before all's said and done, which would be satisfying on absolutely every level.
Blair: "Go away, I'm preparing for my interview with Hello! magazine!"
Dorota: "[Broken English about paternity doctor result on telephone available.]"
Blair: "Hang up or I'll tell the reporter you're undocumented!"
Ah, but Dorota isn't on the phone with the office, she's on the phone with Daniel Humphrey, life coach and control freak. In a truly, truly outrageous alliance of equals, Dorota and Dan have teamed up to hound Blair to the grave about this paternity thing. Surprise, Dan's up in everybody's shit yet again.
Downstairs, Dorota welcomes Serena (and semi-welcomes Ivy) back to the UES. Ivy's got the Fear her own self, due to being a fraud on top of being Pretend Cousin Peepers who fucked everything up anyway last year, but of course Serena will hear none of it: "That is not the look of a girl in an Empire State Of Mind!" she giggles, lest we forget for one second Alicia Keys' embarrassing grammatical ignorance.
Serena: "We have CeCe lying for you to Aunt Carol, and I'm sure Lily will similarly enjoy keeping a secret from your mom, so it's fine. Good thing your mother is horrible, and also not your actual mother because you are imaginary."
Peeps: "Since I can't talk about how ludicrous it is for me to even be here because I'm not related to you in any way, let's talk instead about how damaging my performance of Cousin Peepers was last year, and how probably Blair will murder me if she ever comes downstairs."
Serena, verbatim: "Please, this place is a mecca for psychotic freaks. Everyone goes off the rails at some point around here. It's practically a rite of passage on the Upper East Side. It's our version of a bar mitzvah."
You know how else going off the rails is like a bar mitzvah? How you could get knocked up at one.
EMPIRE STATE OF IMPOTENCE
Dan, not satisfied with controlling Blair's uterus by remote servant labor, has also decided to take responsibility for Chuck's emotional state. Since Chuck cannot feel -- having fallen to hysteria after handing Blair off to Prince Louis without so much as a Bill of Lading -- Dan would like to make him feel. By any means necessary.
Chuck: "I didn't even enjoy raping that editorial assistant to help you with your mysterious publishing fantasy storyline, and now you have brought a dog into the Empire. This is the sort of thing one would like to discuss with Nate first, being that he'll end up having to care for the animal."
Dan: "Chuck, you felt nothing after Field Of Dreams, so I'm taking it to the level. If that movie can't make you feel, then maybe this little guy can!"
Field Of Dreams, the Costner movie about a dude getting closure with his now-dead and always-distant father? The one where the ghost of the father haunts his son in a charming baseball-related fashion? So right, and so wrong, and so very Dan. You wanna make Chuck cry? Show him a movie where the sexual deviant gets his comeuppance. Show him a movie where a person is accountable for like one thing, and he'll shake himself to pieces. But Field Of Dreams? That's just for making you hate white people.
Chuck: "The only thing this mongrel makes me feel is disgust!"
Dan: "I know, but this mongrel is only trying to help! ...Or were you talking about the dog?"
Chuck: "Take it back to the pound, or I will!"
Dan: "I am too busy for that! I will be rudely dropping this problem in your lap and then running off to my other mentor besides Jay McInerney, Noah Shapiro that nobody watching this show would even remember. Surely he can navigate the complex world of publishing on my behalf."
Chuck, verbatim: "I have some kneepads in the bedroom if you need them."
Dan, verbatim: "I think simple conversation will do the trick, but thank you."
Chuck: "No, I just meant in general."
Nate: "Speaking of me, hello! Dan, why are you here? Did we have a date?"
Dan: "No, I was here climbing up Chuck's soul for no good reason."
Nate: "Why is there a dog?"
Chuck: "Ummm..."
Nate: "Just kidding, I don't have the attention span. Look! A doggie!"
Dan & Chuck: "Weren't you going to do something today or something?"
Nate: "Right, I have to go to my very important job at that pretend Daily Beast."
Chuck: "You know that job is imaginary, right?"
Nate: "Look! A doggie!"
PETIT DÉJEUNER, CHEZ WALDORF
Serena & Ivy: "Look at this amazing breakfast!"
Dorota: "Like any of you bitches eat."
Blair: "Hey, why is Cousin Peepers here again? Planning on stumbling into my room in the middle of another psychotic break? I won't call you Serena, lady. I won't do it."
Serena: "Don't be silly! I was just jealous that Chuck got a pet."
Ivy: "Blair, I love your house. It's just like Cruel Intentions."
Serena, verbatim: "You should have seen the place I found Charlie living! Squalor is too nice a word."
Ivy, awesomely: Hates Serena a little bit, because what a jerk.
Louis Is: In Cologne, for a charity event, and will return tonight.
Meanwhile: Blair needs to find out who the father of her child is, give an interview to Hello! magazine to retain their Royal Wedding uptick, finish the Grace Kelly bio, and feel herself slowly being ground to a fine paste under the jackbooted smothering of Humphrey Friendship.
Blair, additionally: "Possibly find a new maid. An employee with one child is annoying. Two is grounds for termination."
Serena: "Oh my gosh, Dorota! Is that your name? You're just like family. I am so excited about your new pregnancy! Remember how condescending we all were last time?"
Dorota: "Best part of pregnant is knowing who father is unlike some Miss Blairs know. Am only glad Miss Lily on house arrest for no visit hospital this time. Babies no need ostrich wallet, only Dorota's peasant milk and firm hand."
Rufus: Will be fucking that up too, before we even get one funny house-arrest C plot. I guess that wouldn't really be fun without Eric anyway, though.
Blair: "Not to sound too Gossip Girl, but I'm sorry to 'éclair and run,' ladies."
Serena: "Does this mean you're not going to the Jenny Packham show tonight? We were finally invited to model together!"
Blair: "Nice callback to how this show used to work, but no. I have 99 problems."
Dorota: "First you put hand under boot of Mr. Humphrey and do what he say without question. Is to be friends with Mr. Humphrey."
Blair: "Uh, no. I'm going shopping in complete denial. Have we met?"
Blair likes plans, and there's no way this works out. If it's Louis's child, that's it. She can't even fantasize about the road(s) not taken. And if it's Chuck's, then she's fucked in a whole other way. Maybe a great way, maybe a sick way, but there's pros and cons everywhere you look. And then there's Dan. And if history has anything to teach us, it's that she could probably fool him into thinking the baby's his, if she wanted that, which she also kind of does. But she doesn't know that yet.
Serena: "See, Blair let you stay here despite your psychotic break and creepy attempt to carve my head into a Halloween mask for your own perverse enjoyment. Now we'll talk to my mom, and she'll do whatever I say too. This is actually how my life works."
Ivy: "Oh right, I remember why I hate you now."
NOAH SHAPIRO
Noah: "You worthless animal. You wrote a book? It's getting published? What the fuck is wrong with the world today. I assumed you'd eventually end up in a murder-suicide with Vanessa Abrams, or the Marilyn Monroe in Nate's political career, or something."
Dan: "I'm the kind of guy who describes his own work as 'scathing satire.'"
Noah: "So you know it's at Simon & Schuster, and that their phone number is in the phone book?"
Dan: "These are the things I know. I don't know what to do with that info. Turns out I don't really want this book quashed because I thirst for success and in fact have been lying about it this entire time. But I don't know that yet. Really, what I want is validation. As usual."
Noah: "Let them publish it. You're a talentless freak who lives up your own asshole. At best you'll get one shot. Better to let it drown now, while you're still a teenager, before you actually start your career. This is my agent Alessandra."
Dan: "Alessandra, hello. Glad you have time to endlessly potter around Noah's office like this. You must be a really good agent. Anyway, Noah, if you are telling me to passively sit here and let this book be published -- despite my loud protestations to the contrary and my complete ability to deal with this problem immediately if I actually wanted to -- then that's what I'll do. I am a hipster who can't handle the concept of actually asking for anything."
Noah: "That little bastard. I am gonna Humphrey his ass so hard he won't know what hit him."
PRADA MARFA
Rufus: "It's so hard having a pretend job producing some emo band!"
Lily: "It's so hard doing nothing all day except what I always do every day anyway!"
Rufus: "I'm just glad we got rid of most of our children."
Carol: "Hey, Lily. Have you talked to Cousin Peepers? She bounced a trust fund check in LA and I know it's actually Ivy that did that, so I'm using you to track down my partner in fraud."
Lily: "I'll ask Serena if she's seen her, she'll be home in a second. Momma's lonely and looking to decimate some self-esteem if at all possible. I haven't driven a child to suicide since we kicked two of our children out of the entire show, and Chuck's always so self-destructive it's no fun."
Carol: "Can I fly up and see you? I have no way of knowing Serena's brought my fake daughter back with her from LA, so there's literally no reason for me to do that."
Lily: "I don't like you and you're totally sketchy, but I guess I'm lonely enough. Are you feeling vulnerable and like being stuck in a gilded cage with me would push you over the edge? Because I could use the practice."
Carol: "Always. Plus your functioning relationship with our mother galls me to the bone. See you tonight!"
MEANWHILE
Dan: "Hey Blair, did you obey my instructions to the letter?"
Blair: "Yes. I am lying."
Dan: "I know you're lying, because I located you on GPS and have stalked you to this boutique. I'm getting really angry about your disobedience, in a passive-aggressive and controlling fashion that masquerades as friendship."
Blair: "I am so lost that I am actually grateful to you, as usual. I've never felt so close to Serena."
Gossip Girl: "Somebody is pregnant! And I know who it is, maybe."
SPECTATOR
Nate shows up to work and Diana Payne wants to fuck him in her office and he gets a bad feeling about once again being a whore, so -- and I am not exaggerating or confabulating this -- she abruptly fires the entire staff so that they can fuck on every surface, like any level-headed businesswoman would, and it's so goddamn stupid. I'm not saying it's unrealistic, of course. Just stupid.
FAMOUS CENTRAL PARK WEST OB-GYN
Dan: "Open that envelope! I'm projecting my own fears of success and failure and embarrassment about a made-up silly problem onto your very serious and personal life-altering transition, so I am going to act about as crazy as you usually do."
Blair: "Well, I am stuck between the nightmare that I think I might want and the fantasy life I've always dreamed of, so there's no reason for me to think about becoming a Powerful Woman or even think of dating you right now, at this point in the story. Please, tell me what to do and boss me around and act insufferable so I don't have to think or act of my own accord."
Dan: "I'm happy we are friends. I hope the baby is Louis's, I guess. Whatever would make you happy. The important thing is that I harass you into doing something you're not emotionally prepared to do yet."
Blair, verbatim: "You're right. I'll open it, immediately after my interview with Hello! magazine. I can't face the press if I've just heard unsettling news. I need to look like Grace Kelly, not Grace Coddington."
Iconoclast! Talking shit about Grace Coddington is like talking shit about a three-legged puppy. I mean, I guess it's okay to be realistic about how crazy she looks now because she was a great model and everything, but it still seems like a cheap shot. Like how we all have to pretend Sophia Loren's still got it. But I guess Blair's just on edge. I guess having Dan Humphrey up your ass all day will do that to a person.
Dan: "Well, you're not the only person I'm manipulating and Abramsing right now, so you go do whatever pointless shit you're doing today that doesn't concern me -- unlike this personal trauma that doesn't concern me in any way -- and I will meet you back at your house, at a time I will specify, so that I can watch sternly as you open this envelope, like I'm one of your gay dads and not your obvious love interest."
Blair: "That sounds totally normal. Hey, your hair looks like a muppet because you have become weirdly tiny. Burn!"
PRADA
Lily: "God damn I am drunk."
Serena: "Isn't it so exciting about my made-up job that fulfills literally countless contradictory plot requirements?"
Lily: "Honey, I'm so glad to see a human being not wearing a leather wrist-cuff and choker that I will actually give you this one. By the way, did you see crazy Cousin Peepers in LA? Her mom's looking for her and naturally called me, who can't leave this apartment and has no reason to be in contact with either of them anyway."
Serena: "I am not ready to segue into that whole deal, so can I feel you out first?"
Lily: "Well, on the one hand I fucking hate your aunt, but on the other hand I have developed a sense of ethics and parenting, and I don't want to lie to a fellow mother."
Serena: "Peepers is a grown woman with an independent access to her trust fund and limitless potential to do something meaningful or something. Like myself."
Ivy, eavesdropping: "That is nice of her to say, considering we don't actually know each other at all."
Lily: "Peepers is also a crazy bitch that tried to get your brother to fuck her while calling her by your name, though. And I've just now retrained Rufus to stop combing through our garbage cans for 'clues' all the time."
Ivy: "That is less nice to hear. I better skip town instead of grifting this nice family that endlessly talks shit behind my back, and their own, all the time."
Ivy vanishes and Serena's lightly steamed and Lily completely forgets to mention the very important fact that Carol is right now flying to NYC for literally no reason at all.
HELLO!
Lady: "Prince Louis said he loves the importance of family in your life, one of the many things he has imagined to love about you. When are going to get knocked up? That's a sensible question to ask, months before your wedding, right?"
Blair: "You can't know this, but you're only asking because it's required of the plot to heap pressure on me about my secret pregnancy. As for the answer, I'm befuddled."
Lady: "Well, what he said is that you don't want kids yet and he's not ready to be a father."
Blair: "Well. Fuck it."
SHAPIRO'S OFFICE
Dan: "Alessandra, hi. Imagine meeting you here, in one of your client's offices, alone, hours after you showed up. Are you sure you're actually an agent and not like a psychiatric patient?"
Alessandra: "In my case, it's kind of both. Allow me to draw a veil of conspiracy around your entire life, courtesy of Noah Shapiro. You are now, for all intents and purposes, in the Shpatrix."
Dan: "Okay, have you seen Noah?"
Alessandra: "No, I have no idea where he is. Instead of work, I just like to hang around in his office by myself and reveal his manuscripts to children and strangers. Like this one! Just picked up by Simon & Schuster. Inside."
Dan: "It is a scathing satire of the Upper East Side lifestyle?"
Alessandra: "That is actually its subtitle. Inside: A Scathing & Brilliant Satire Of The Upper East Side Lifestyle By One Who Has Lived It But Is Still Untainted Deep Within His Heart Because He Is Better Than Everybody."
Dan: "Since you asked, my hair looks so fucked up because I have lost about a hundred pounds and currently look like the ghost of a consumptive dandy."
Alessandra: "I didn't ask, but okay. I like it, very Jeff Buckley. Hang on, I have to take a pretend phone call! Sure, the author of Inside will be dining at Club A Steakhouse with various hangers-on, thanks for confirming. Now, did you overhear that? Sometimes grownups do shit like this."
Gossip Girl, verbatim: "Poor Lonelyboy. You just learned the true meaning of publish or perish."
Nope!
EXT PRADA
Ivy: "Hey Max, you are the best thing on this entire show and leaving you for no reason whatsoever was kind of a bad call. I admit that now. I am currently at [address] but will soon be joining you in Portland. Please text in reply to this voicemail, then come looking for me."
Serena: "Peepers! Why are you getting in this cab?"
Ivy: "Your mom called me a hosebeast and I think she's maybe right."
The Tiny Gerbil In Serena's Mind: Spins so fast it throws sparks.
Serena: "Okay, but could you return these Jenny Packham tickets by hand for no real reason?"
Ivy: "Sure, I will do that for no reason."
Serena, smirking: "I am going to Humphrey you real good. Me and my Serena Schemes!"
SPECTATOR
Payne: "Disaster! Andre Leon Talley is still a minor cultural blip despite being a huge and obvious joke!"
Nate: "I know the feeling."
Payne: "He is the '90s harshest indictment. Anyway, can I interest you in a complex scam or something?"
Nate: "You know how you hired me to fuck you and do zero work for this imaginary business?"
Payne: "I am aware. Also, your mouth is moving and words are coming out."
Nate: "Well, here's the thing. I would like to feel legit. If I'm going to do pretend work for this pretend office, I need at least plausible deniability that it's real. Haven't you ever seen The Rachel Zoe Project? A life without meaning is by definition meaningless."
Payne: "So if firing my entire staff right before launch wasn't enough of a ridiculous plot twist for you, I'm going to have to endanger my career and reputation by pretending you're an actual person? This is your negotiating strategy? Whining?"
Nate: "I would appreciate it. Or else I will run off to the many internships my mother has arranged with the talking creatures of the forest."
Payne: "How would you like to interview that Congressman you already know, at the Jenny Packham show? He's going to be there, along with whatever Twitter is."
Nate: "Isn't this like every storyline where Serena is used for her connections and eventually figures out that painfully obvious fact?"
Payne: "Yes. Except in this case, it's actually a valid business model. But hey, I hear Olivia Palermo is looking for a job..."
Nate: "No! Anything but her. I will gladly interview some guy at some party."
Payne: "Great. Now get on your knees and earn that paycheck."
Nate: "The only words that ever mean anything to me."
WALDORF
Blair: "Stop starin' at me, envelope! I better check Gossip Girl. Oh, it says here Chuck handed some dog to some guy. I guess that's fuckin' news these days."
Dan, texting: "Blair, I can you and feel you not opening that envelope. I have eyes and ears everywhere. I am the patron saint of your vagina. Do what I say."
Packham Tix: "Blair, use us! Love us! Big party at the end of the episode and you are invited, along with the entire cast! Do not think! Do not obey! Do not treat us like whatever Chuck was doing on Gossip Girl!"
Blair: "You got it, Jenny Packham tickets. Dorota! Time to pretend!"
Dorota: "But Miss Blair, you have pregnant and fiancé come from Cologne for charity and to dinner at him with food. Plus Mr. Humphrey to ride your ass about absurd envelope."
Blair: "Mention that name again, and you'll be exiled to work the rest of your days in someplace horrible, like the Upper West Side. You know what happens to housekeepers there?"
Dorota, terrified: "The Zabar's zombies..."
Heh.
Results Envelope: "But Blair! Open me! Be not afraid! Sorry about the pressure from Humphrey, but it's really not about him at all! And he will hound you to the ends of the earth unless you open me anyway! Time stands still for no woman, no matter how powerful she would like to one day be?"
Blair: Rips that mother into like a million pieces. How dare you, Envelope.
PACKHAM SHOW
Ivy: "Hey, I'm here to return Serena van der Woodsen's tickets by hand. Don't ask why. I sure didn't."
Lady: "Sure, just put on this dress and feel the mighty power of a Rhodes Woman controlling your every move through artifice and avarice."
Ivy: "That... Is a very pretty dress."
Her crazy Cousin Peepers eyes turn into dollar signs and pimp chalices courtesy of Jacob the Jeweler, and she drops all of her luggage, the better to put a bunch of Rhodes baggage on her back forever. Have some champers, Peepers! It's not contraindicated because you were never really on medication! Feel the chiffon, the exquisite beading, slipping and sliding sensuously against your soul. Max who? Max why? Roll around like a hound dog, its scent all over you. Live your dreams... says the note from Serena, slipped into the décolletage.
Ivy: "Why is Serena like this? And what are my dreams? For now, they are this dress and some matching shoes and a life chock-full of lies and crazy."
The Scourge Of The Rhodes Women Curse: "Another one bites the dust! Mwahahaha! I'll have you in the Ostroff Center by November at this rate!"
Gossip Girl, and it's pretty legit: "How about it, Charlie? One last Cinderella moment before you turn back into a bumpkin..."
PRADA
Rufus: "Did you miss me? I was gone for forty-five minutes!"
Lily: "I can literally see two of you. Hand me that bottle, Momma wants to do a kegstand."
Rufus: "Actually, I was thinking that since I've been working for weeks to get you a sudden random early release without your knowledge..."
Lily: "-- Total Humphrey move..."
Rufus: "...That I'd come let you know that your ankle bracelet has been deactivated for the last hour, and you are totally cleared of any wrongdoing in the destruction of that entire family."
Lily: "Wow, if only my expensive team of lawyers had asked politely."
Lily, verbatim: "An actual event? Where I don't have to tend the bar myself?"
Rufus: "Maybe even a shower?"
Lily: "Well, I guess I can stop pretending to read Crime & Punishment. Hurrah!"
Rufus: "You don't ever have to read a book again. Now get dressed, and we'll go to the Jenny Packham show. You know my love of couture and social outings."
Lily: "Great! I hope everybody's super bitchy to me some more. Wait, speaking of, what about Aunt Carol? She's still flying from Miami, just like hours ago."
Rufus: "She can come too! I'm sure she loves fashion shows as much as she loves stealing from her own daughter. We'll make it a family event!"
Gossip Girl: "Like I even have to say it, but Cousin Peepers is in for a world of trouble. Or would be, if she hadn't been upgraded to series regular and thus obviously is in no danger whatsoever. Listen, whatever gets Max here fastest."
EMPIRE
Dan: "Noah Shapiro's stolen my book! My anonymity becomes his own!"
Chuck: "Just like you wanted. What's the problem?"
Dan: "Argh! It's not what I wanted at all! I wanted to get credit for it, but without seeming like I wanted it! Aren't you paying attention at all?"
Chuck, verbatim: "There's nothing more boring than a sense of morality, Humphrey."
Dan: "That's totally not what this..."
Chuck, verbatim: "-- But since you seem to be so afflicted with it, you have two options. Either you go tell Simon & Schuster, and the world, that Noah Shapiro is a credit-stealing liar, or you stay quiet forever and simply let it go. Whatever you decide, do it already. I might not be able to feel anything, but at least I'm not paralyzed."
Gossip Girl: "For serious, Lonelyboy. Get your shit together."
I think that of all the things that tie Blair and Dan together, it's this sense of being afraid of caught wanting that's the most interesting, because it's what can keep them apart. It was a huge aspect of her thing with Chuck, from the very beginning -- four words, eight letters -- and even though she's stuck in different loop, for this episode, it's still part of her relationship with Dan: You want the chauffeur to want you and you need the chauffeur to do 90% of the work before you even show up at the party, you know? Or else you're the girl who hit on the chauffeur. She's had the rug pulled out enough times that there is no amount of not-saying that will keep it foolproof, so she shoves it under the rug altogether, so to speak.
There are all kinds of calculated risks you can pull with a person like this, because you know they won't say it which means you're not a coward for not being the one to say it, but the downside is that when you absolutely need them to say it, they still won't say it. Which is why each dynamic with the three suitors is so different: She's not afraid or ashamed to want her Prince -- that's what he's there for, and he likes her on that same level -- and Chuck's never been one to operate entirely out of fear-of-embarrassment so his locks mostly required different keys, but with Dan you have the makings of a serious tragedy, because if he can't say it and she can't say it, then everybody is making decisions based on fake and fearful information, and some of them might be gamechangers.
AT THE PACKHAM SHOW
They are taking everybody's phones because Andre Leon Talley heard of Twitter or something, which will bear fruit in a couple ways down the line. Ivy's checking in when Blair arrives and snots at one of the PR people about how she's back in as a model, meaning that rather than Blair and Serena modeling, it's going to be Blair and Ivy. She does this at such a time that Ivy's phone goes unlabeled into the bin with the rest. I wonder if that will have consequences?
Meanwhile, Diana tells Nate to go interview the Congressmans about his trip to Mykonos while she films it with her phone, so you already know how that's going to go. Having the benefit of not being Nate, I mean, and thus capable of figuring out basic shit.
BACKSTAGE
"Jenny Packham wanted this to be a deconstructed fashion show, so instead of a runway, you'll be walking through the party with escorts -- either a professional model, or a special guest, like yourself." Not enough time in the world to deal with that sentence, but then fashion, like any art, throws words around pretty indiscriminately within the context of itself.
Blair: "If you have any eligible Rockefellers or Whitneys, Charlie will take one of those. I myself am fine with a model, or a witty gay."
"Not enough time in the world to deal with that sentence, but then that's how straight privilege works: Only and ever throwing around words like that in the context of itself." -- A "witty" "gay" who hates both of those labels, adjective and noun, with an equal seething.
Blair: "Speaking of you, why are you hear?"
Ivy: "No idea. I feel a little like Alice in Wonderland."
Blair: "Well, Manhattan will do that to a girl. You'll be happy to know it never wears off."
Ivy: "But seriously, this is my last UES thing. Carol wants me gone."
Blair: "Aren't you a grown-ass adult?"
Ivy: "Not to mention, not actually her daughter. I'm afraid she'll blackmail me, not Rhodes Woman me."
Blair: "My mother drove me to bulimia. As a mother, I am fucking things up right and left. Your mother seems to be a lunatic, and I believe in attacking Rhodes Women on principle alone. Grow up and blackmail her ass right back."
Ivy: "You're a lot cooler to people you hate than the people you love. I miss Jenny."
Blair: "Me too. Now get out there and model, bitch! Love you! Hope you fail! You look dazzling! Enjoy the Ostroff Center! Hope you succeed! You deserve nothing!"
Lady, verbatim: "Blair, you'll be escorted by Simon Doonan."
Blair: "Uh, fairly sure I said 'witty gay,' not 'bitter leprechaun wannabe.' Why not just throw fucking Michael Kors at me and he can make the same joke at my expense eleven times without regard to whether it applies or makes basic sense?"
Lady: "He's already escorting Hadley Nagel."
Blair: "Yeesh."
SPECTATOR ATTACK
Nate: "Fellows! Let us talk of restaurants."
Congressman & Congresswife: "Restaurants! They are for food."
Nate, relaxing as though born to it: "I am a journalist."
Payne, filming with her phone: "I too am a journalist."
Congressman & Congresswife: "We are happily married."
Nate: "How did you enjoy your romantic sunbathing trip to Mykonos? I couldn't see your face, madame, but that ass was crunk."
Congresswife: "How dare you, Congressman! Why you told me you were in Athens!"
Nate: "You mean you are unfaithful, Congressman? How could I know that?"
Congressman & Congresswife: "We are getting a divorce!"
Nate: "I am the very hand of destruction! I wish I had my puppy here."
Congressman, verbatim: "And here I thought you were the nice one in your family."
That is totally what this storyline is going to be about. Like if a Serena storyline and a Dan storyline had a self-loathing, aimlessly entitled baby with class issues. That is awesome! Nate spots Diana with her phone, manages to look surprised by any of this, and she's like, "I am incorrigible!"
HUMPHREY IN THE HOUSE
Rufus & Lily arrive, and once again Rufus has moved the goalposts: "No phones? I like this party already." Yeah, and week he'll be like, "Man, I'm just glad it's outside Manhattan and the hermetic existence of the wealthy," and then the week after that he'll be saying, "I don't mind these parties, I just wish people wouldn't talk about TV so much and just be real for once," and then before you know it he'll hardly be better than anybody at all. But he'll still feel like his old self.
Bitches: "Lily van der Bassphrey is here? Let's git her!"
Rufus: "Are those bitches being bitches to you? How unexpected."
Lily: "You know what, it's enough to be here and drunk with you. House arrest has finally broken my spirit and I have lost my sense of shame or social hierarchy."
Jamie Johnson: "Lily, I am okay with saying hi to you. I am Walking the Walk."
Lily: "I am desperately lonely and a social outcast, so I feel okay about you too. But don't let me keep you from telling Nate exactly how fucked he will be if he turns on our pack of wolves and documents our ridiculous lifestyles as an insider."
(Dan: "Or me. You are kind of the point of things right now, turns out. Kinda brilliant, actually.")
Jamie Johnson: "I'm actually doing okay these days. Occupy the Upper East Side!"
Aw, it was nice to see him. Good egg. Meanwhile, Serena has called to tell Lily that Ivy is at the party or something, but there are no cell phones because of Andre Leon Talley, so they are surprised to see Cousin Peepers roaming the party in a gorgeous gown.
Ivy: "Lily, welcome to the outside. I bet you feel just like that young man whose life you ruined, when he was finally free to walk the streets and sleep with the formerly underage."
Lily: "Cousin Peepers, your mom is standing over there, looking haggard as usual with her eyes bugging out. She may be packing."
Chris Benz: "Why is everybody calling me The Sucklord? I am famous!"
MY GOD THE ROMANCE
Dan: "Simon Doonan, you're probably the only person diminutive enough that I could take, even in my weakened state. Please loan me Blair for a second so I can make sure she's following my life instructions to the letter. I'm just so concerned, you see, about her welfare."
Doonan: Splits to write another offensively awful series of his hit autobiographical series about being a faggy anachronistic stereotype, cling to fame some more, and check on his pot of gold.
Some cute old gay dude in the background spends literally ten minutes discussing Blair's ass in her gown.
Blair: "Why do you have this envelope I tore up and tossed in the trash? Are you seriously this insufferable? Are you turning into Vanessa Abrams? Do I need a restraining order?"
Dan: "Guess, yes, yes, and wouldn't help. Apparently Dorota has mastered the use of Scotch tape due to breaking vases in your house or some such clever-sounding nonsense. While on that topic of ill-considered dialogue, I also want to assure you that she did not read the results, despite that being a literal impossibility, while she was separately taping the letter and the envelope together and then placing the letter into the envelope and then handing it over to me, your jailhouse hack."
Yet another extra spends a while discussing Blair's ass. Every time Dan and Blair advance through the crowd for their crouch-and-bitch, some dude in a nice suit stares at her ass and holds forth. It's awesome and unreal. I like to imagine the conversation being, like, "What a dress! It's Jenny Packham, you know." And the other person being like, "Yeah, we're at a Jenny Packham show, so..."
Blair, verbatim: "Don't you have your own life to ruin?"
Dan: "I am meddling and insufferable enough that I've got time to spare. Also, I am lying to myself about my entire reasons for stalking Noah Shapiro, so trust me when I say I will get to that dinner on time. No need to worry about me."
Blair: "I wasn't. I just want you to leave and stop bugging me and climbing into my clothes with me and judging my every move like I'm Serena."
Dan: "It is how Humphreys show love."
Blair: "It is also exactly how Chucks show a pattern of abuse, apparently. Feminism is less of an ideology and more of a buffet, when you know nothing of its history or wider implications and prefer shipper self-dealing to actually creating change in the world around you."
Dan: "You can't hide from this forever! I said so!"
Blair: "Why not? Apparently, fatherhood holds no appeal for Louis, and Chuck will always be Chuck. If anything, I'm not hiding. I'm facing the truth. It doesn't matter what test results say. I'm in this completely alone. It doesn't matter about the implications for Chuck or Louis."
Dan: "But like, don't you want to know?"
Blair: "The only thing I want is to finish this fashion show, sans outer-borough escort."
Dan: "You're right, it's your problem. Just kidding! Allow me to physically invade your space and force you to take this envelope, out of love and concern."
Blair: "Step away from me, please."
Dan: "No! I can't! I care too much. Take this envelope and open it or I swear to fucking God."
Blair: "Seriously, get out of my space."
Dan: "Never!"
Blair shoves Dan across the room, into yet another waiter with a tray, and then somehow this makes her look bad, again. Shame on you, Blair! It's not like he broke a window or something. Stop overreacting! you'll be saying he raped a bunch of people or sold you for a hotel, despite none of those things actually occurring.
SPECTATOR AFTERMATH
Nate: "Why did you just use me to destroy a marriage? I haven't figured that part out yet somehow."
Payne, verbatim, for the cheap seats: "The truth is, I'm not interested in interviews with New York's elite. I want their secrets and scandals."
Nate: "Um, Gossip Girl is your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Manhattan's elite."
Payne: "I'm coming for her too."
Does anybody else hate that? It's been five years and I gotta say it. "Source into" may be grammatically okay, but it's uncool usage-wise and it sounds dumb. Every week it's like Kristen Bell is pinching my leg just a little when she says that. Not enough to hurt, and immediately forgotten, but still kind of a dick move in the same way as "to boldly go." I am not that kind of flack and I don't complain about that kind of thing unless there's a reason, but I thought I should at least register one complaint before I go back to bitching about "concrete jungle where dreams are made of" like usual.
Nate: "Thing is, she doesn't start shit..."
Patently: Untrue.
Nate: "...Plus, if you use that footage, you'll be blacklisted."
Payne: "That's true, she does have the benefit of anonymity. Not to mention her weirdly exclusive focus on a bunch of children."
Nate: "What you should have done is stolen their phones and committed outright felonies."
Payne: "Brilliant! Grab the phones and meet me somewhere backstage."
Nate: "I don't see a problem with that. All I ever wanted was to be useful."
(He makes sure not to steal Blair's phone, or Dan's, but has no way of knowing that the unmarked phone is Ivy's.)
HONOR AMONG THIEVES
Carol: "Are you fucking kidding me? Impersonating an actual person?"
Ivy: "Look, Blair Waldorf has given me some wise counsel about fucking you over."
Carol: "Well, yes. Obviously Blair Waldorf possesses the keys to success."
Ivy: "What are you going to say? Policeman, this is the actress that I hired to impersonate my daughter so she could go off her pretend medications in an elaborate scheme to undermine my own parental responsibility and thus get access to my daughter's trust fund. Please arrest her for taking part in my fraud. How's that gonna work? It didn't even really make sense the first time around."
Carol: "I don't even get why you would want to associate with Rhodes Women anyway. We are the worst."
Ivy, verbatim: "I came from nothing. Everything here sparkles. And that family that you can't stand has been kinder to me than my own family ever was. I'm not walking away from that. And if you try to take me down, Carol, you're coming with me."
Dan: "Baby, I love you. I'm sorry, you know how I get when I'm being passive-aggressive and controlling. Won't you take me back so that I can micromanage your existence again? I have missed that so much, baby."
Blair: "No, it's completely my fault as usual. I hate myself."
Dan: "Truth is, I think I've been using you to avoid facing some problems of my own. I promised to hold your hand, but maybe I've been forcing it."
Blair, verbatim: "I turned to you, Dan, because I knew you were the only one who'd protect me from my own worst instincts."
Let's ... hear that again, shall we?
Blair: "I turned to you, Dan, because I knew you were the only one who'd protect me from my own worst instincts."
Dan, not even going near the Serena bullshit of that: "Look, when Georgina showed up with my fake Russian baby, I fell instantly in love with him. No matter which of your adulterous fornications produced the child now growing in your womb, either of your boyfriends will do the same. Or if you show up on my doorstep like every other episode this season so far, I will also love that little boy or girl. What I'm saying is that I want your baby inside me."
Blair: "Okay, but since my entire life is really just an excuse to avoid your own, what happens when I open this envelope? How will you decide whether to let Noah Shapiro take the problem off your hands, or grasp desperately at the fame and glory out of nowhere that this ludicrous publishing deal represents?"
Dan: "The fact that you're even asking that proves you don't know me at all."
Blair opens the envelope, backed against a tree, and she shivers. Sad, a little scared, mostly like the world just got heavier. Oh, girl. Either way it was going to suck. You were right.
EMPIRE
Blair comes to the Empire, where Chuck is sitting in some very moody light and is not at all interested in talking to her. In fact, he accuses her of being a plant by Humphrey to get him to feel something, which shows that he's learning how a Humphrey operates. Finally, she just sucks it up and speaks: "I'm pregnant. It's Louis'." His face falls without moving and she steps forward; he raises one hand off the bar, like a rattler, so she stops moving.
"I didn't want you to find out from someone else, and wonder if the baby was yours..."
"That's very considerate," Chuck hisses, which: There's your answer. She throws her shoulders back and goes for breezy. "Yes, well. If I know anything about Chuck Bass, it's that fatherhood isn't part of the lifestyle." He won't say it, so she goes on looking. He's not really quite ready to let her go, so he just sends off a weak little twist, like a kitten batting at your hand: "...You must have been very relieved when you realized you weren't carrying my offspring. That certainly would have derailed your fairy tale."
Which is another answer, entirely. The opposite answer. The one she kind of wanted when she walked in. I cannot say enough good things about the acting in this scene, but the writing's also there. Like Blair, just unbelievably so: "This fairy tale is... Complicated."
Ah, now I get the thing with the dog: She saw him handing the dog off and assumed, as we were probably meant to assume, that he was getting rid of it. Meaning that he is still in no position, because he's too busy snorting and fucking to take care of a dog, much less a broken fairytale. And what's awesome about that is, she wasn't actually ever avoiding the question: She was telling two stories at the same time, and freaking out about both of them, and loving both of them, and she didn't want either of them to end. I wasn't entirely sure which angle she was playing until the puppy, who comes running in right on cue. Her eyes light up, a little. The dog's name, of course, is Monkey.
Chuck admits he was just getting Monkey fixed, and that's the upside: Maybe she's doing this wrong -- maybe he's healed enough to care for someone else. But it's Chuck: "I thought it was the responsible thing to do." And that's the downside. There's another answer for you: The nastiness behind it. The planned, conscious clarity that would snap out like a viper and say something like that. So Blair nods, because she is clearly doing the right thing: "I should go," she says: That was uncalled for, her face says. He doesn't disagree with either statement.
She stops at the door, just to give him something. Some tiny thing that might help, if this is the person he's turning into: "There is a part of me that really wanted it to be yours." It's not what she means, but it's the best way to say it. She surprises him with kindness; he's never prepared for it. That's how she gets him, every time.
I mean, just beautifully acted. And not only that, but it's the first time she hasn't been juggling and throwing jazz hands and acting crazy, so you get to retroactively see exactly how much personal internal work she's been doing this whole time, if you didn't pick up on it before, and how she's well aware of exactly what's going on. You see the choices on her face. And it occurs to me that this three-way triangle is even more subtle than it seemed: You have Chuck, which Can't Happen, and Louis, which is only about Blair, and then Dan which is secretly happening, and she's got all those balls in the air, plus the baby, and I don't know. Sometimes you can forget everything that's going on underneath because she does such a good job of tricking you into thinking she's shut down.
And then too, if you take off the shipper glasses for a second, there's a symmetry here I wasn't really conscious of the first time, which is -- in my memory at least -- how that awful incident was composed left-to-right, with Blair nearer the door and he throws her on the couch and it's so terribly gross and claustrophobic that you get scared. I could go and check, but I'm fairly certain that conversation started with similar staring, and similar "We need to talk" stuff going on. And he lost it, and it was shameful for everybody.
And now we're in a perpendicular space, with him on the left in the background and we're mostly standing with Blair near the door again, but the house is like this mouth swallowing him up (the camera even backs away from him once she's gone). So visually you have them in this sweaty awful tiger cage, which is now a lonely open space, right-to-left, and she's handing him the step in getting rid of him -- the Window Incident was also about her telling him, about the engagement that time, before anybody else could -- and I don't know.
I think she knew he might have it in him to attack her again, which is why she stays far away -- opens with her pregnancy, even -- and I don't think it changes either of them -- or their relationship, or what he did -- but her motives were the same in both cases: To save him, without sacrificing herself. To show him kindness and respect that he doesn't deserve, in the name of their history and how much she loved and loves him, even while her story is continuing, and his has stopped.
"Rolling In The Deep" is such an everywhere song that maybe the words don't mean anything anymore, but I always thought the saddest thing about it, at the bar mitzvah, was how literal it was: "The scars of your love remind me of us/ They keep me thinking that we almost had it all... I can't help feeling we could have had it all." And you have the obvious "scar" there, but then too there was that Chinatown thing where the scar on her cheek was this sign of something truly terrible inside of her that she kept trying to hide, became part of Sophie's judgment of her without ever knowing where it came from or what it meant...
I just feel like the respect she has shown him, before the window to right now, is one of the best things about her, because it's entirely about her. Compassion isn't something you can ask for, or demand: It's for us to give. It's a gift that we're able to give it. And I think that's so much stronger than the other ways she tries or might try to stay away from the stuff that could damage her, or the sternly Blair ways she does most things. Compassion isn't about what Chuck deserves, because he doesn't deserve it, because it's not something you can deserve. It's something that arises out of you, and represents your negotiation with the difficulties of life. The depth of your own spirit.
Maybe that got a little lost in the awfulness of the window thing -- not that she walked into that tiger cage entirely expecting and accepting what might happen and determined to go through with it anyway, because I think she was as shocked as we were, although it's not entirely off-base either -- but to see that scene brought back around here, with her displaying the same level of concern and compassion as before, it says wonderful things about her.
Especially if she's lying.
CLUB A
In the books, the kids are constantly getting these outrageous unrealistic opportunities, like, Serena's always this billboard model for no reason or Blair wins the X Prize or something, and while there's been stuff like that on the show, the Writer Dan stuff on the show has always been the most in-your-face kind of story like that. So of course it's no surprise that when Dan ambushes Noah Shapiro at his dinner, the whole thing turns out to be an elaborate setup where everybody at the table is actually a professional person with an interest in Dan's career.
Noah, verbatim: "It's impossible, you know, he's got to say to himself, I'm a writer! I'm a writer!"
Dan appears and Noah introduces him as "my inspiration for the character of Dylan Hunter," and Dan takes a firm stand, and says he wrote the book, and the entire table of adults bursts into applause and the piano starts playing and Noah's like, "This is your editor at S&S, this is your agent that you didn't know you have, Alessandra, this is your manager, this is the Sultan of Brunei, this is your personal shoe-shopper, et cetera," and then they sit Dan right down and buy him a steak and toast the future of publishing or whatever and it's so, so dumb and so, so awesome.
Whenever they start handing dresses to Ivy or putting Blair in charge of Vogue or whatever, I mean I kind of know why that's exciting, but the concept of this vast literary conspiracy waiting to attack you with garlands and champagne and total artistic validation, well... It's a writer that wrote this teleplay where this happens, you know what I mean? The unrealistic delightfulness of that kind of WTF moment is not lost on us any more than the secret fingers-crossed of anybody who's still waiting around for it.
PRADA
Lily: "Great day in the morning I am drunk."
Rufus: "A toast, to my wife and her freedom. Even though we're doing exactly what we did the whole time she was in that anklet."
Ivy: "Let's also toast to second chances! For me also!"
Carol: "I'll toast your demise, harlot."
Lily & Rufus: "Due to Blair's historical mood swings, and the fact that Jenny and Eric died while on safari, vacating their bedrooms, we would like you to be our new child. It will be safer."
Ivy: "My loneliness is equal only to your own. What a family we shall make of ourselves."
Ivy: "'Mom,' thanks for 'understanding' that this is where 'I' am 'meant to be.'"
Carol: "Fuck this, I'm going to bed. I still don't even know why I came here."
Ivy, during a hug-just-for-show: "'Mom,' I just wanted to say that I'm going to make sure that CeCe reinstates your access to 'my' trust. Will that make you stop being mad at me?"
Carol: "I am going to show up when you least expect it and fuck your life in the face. Until then, you are on your fucking own. But thanks for the cash, bitch."
Ivy: Kind of sad how that went down, but Carol blinked first, so suck it.
Actual Charlie: "I cannot wait to be on this show. I am most certainly a trainwreck."
DUMBO
Gossip Girl: "The true author of a tell-all tome has been revealed, and the author's name is one everyone will recognize. But the question is, will anyone want to say it again once the book is out?"
Alessandra's got a note -- Get ready for the ride of your life! -- tucked into Dan's jacketed, hardcover, advance copy of his book that was bought at most eight weeks ago. He slavers and drools at his name on the cover, but the note gives him pause. Perhaps he can hear Gossip Girl teasing him, somehow, about his inevitable downfall. Or maybe he's remembering his storyline for the past four episodes and how all of those things are still true. Either way, the biggest change in this show after S3 has been the burgeoning excellence and awesomeness of Dan, and that's clearly set to continue, so it's exciting on that level too. Just make your movie and eat a sandwich, you look like a muppet.
MONTAGE
Louis and Blair stare at each other just long enough to worry you, and then of course Louis is overjoyed. He's very, very cute when he's overjoyed I must say. Turns out that he only told Hello! about not being ready because he didn't want her getting Baby Bump coverage and pressure, but in fact he is totally ready. (Upside, again.) Anyway, they go out for soufflés, because morning sickness usually disappears after two weeks in the first trimester, and before they leave she hides the taped-together results in her vanity and acts all sketch. Aw, Blair.
Meanwhile, Chuck has the weirdest crying face of all time, and until the dog comes and licks his tears, well, it looks like he's dealing with his sadness in a whole other way.
Ivy: "When Blair came running up at the show they totally mislaid my phone and I didn't realize it until just now."
Serena: "That's okay, I'm more interested in mean-girling you about your fashion sense."
Payne: "I love stealing information from people's phones! It's sexy and diabolical."
Nate: "Where did this random phone come from? Who is named Ivy? Who gets texts from a person named Max?"
Gossip Girl: "Probably the best way to keep Ivy from getting found out is giving Nate the only clue."
Max: Dear Ivy I am coming to the Upper East Side and you have no idea Love Max
week: The sped-up publication cycle takes its toll as Dan must deal with fame, a film adaptation, thirty weeks on the bestseller lists and the admiration of millions despite the book being bought ten minutes ago. Apparently among the facts he's massaged in his scathing satire are, he fucked Blair and turned Nate gay. Both of which are practically true anyway, from where I'm standing, and anyway I'm more interested in learning how creeped out Serena is going to be by the one chapter toward the beginning that's just SERENA SERENA SERENA like a hundred million times. Also whether or not she can read.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.