Lily turns herself into the DA for her part in Ben's incarceration, but only after realizing that she's cornered and it's the only way to save Chuck from Russell Thorpe. Meanwhile, Ben comes clean to S about his attack on the Captain and the various other horrible things jail has done to him, and reveals his fear that he's been using Serena to Good Serena himself into thinking that he could turn back into the teacher she fell for. Serena does not follow any of these conversations, but hopes for the best.
Also hoping for the best: The entire extended Rhodes-van der Woodsen-Bass-Humphrey clan, who are all converging on the UES to circle the wagons and help Lily with her big upcoming legal battle. Billy Baldwin, CeCe... Everybody. So exciting. Even Vanessa. Everybody but Jenny, basically.
But it's thanks to Vanessa's stalkery tendencies that Team vdDubs finally figure out Juliet and Ben's mom, not Ben himself, was the one working for Thorpe. After Mrs. Sharp steals the affidavit for him -- and get ready to hear that word more times than waffles and fatwa combined -- Chuck and Lily engineer a plan to get Russell to blackmail Chuck in front of his daughter, kicking her free of the company and setting her relationship with Nate fully on the rails.
Of course, now that Bass Ind. is safe, Chuck learns the horrible truth behind Russell's vendetta: Raina's mother was one of the people who died in Bart's slumlord fire that we haven't talked about in two years. Russell leaves town, Raina stays, it's all very sweet and dramatic, and Raina still doesn't know Bart killed her mom. So: Distraught and once again burned to shit by Bart, not to mention Nate stealing his girlfriend, Charlie Trout is finally ready to rush back into Blair's arms.
...Which are currently locked around Dan Humphrey, after a twelve-hour mission by Rufus and Dorota to figure out separately what's going on with B and Lonelyboy -- hiding their friendship for reasons of social suicide and Serena, respectively -- reveals they possibly have feelings for each other. In order to find out for sure, and prematurely grossed out about the idea, episode's end finds them freeze-framed and locking lips. See you in April!
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I don't know what's more disconcerting: The unnecessary "twelve hours from now" framing device, or the fact that it makes this episode the first one I can think of in four years -- I could well be wrong, it does seem like something they would have done for one of those super-crazy impressionistic Charlie Trout episodes -- that doesn't start with GG yammering over NYC landscapes. Normally when you mess with the established things there's a big reason.
(Maybe it's just that the last act of the season -- which starts an hour from now -- is clearly going to be all about Lily paying for her many crimes? I can see that, actually. And then there's the weird way the episode ends, which bookends it nicely. Retracted.)
Anyway, it starts with no sound but the steps of Rufus and Lily as they get closer and closer to the ultimate doom of meeting with the ADA to give her statement about how she falsified an affidavit and ruined the life of a tiny bird-man. Then GG is like, "Let's rewind and see how that happened. I hope it has to do with the fate of Bart Bass's legacy!"
In the wake of her firing-slash-quitting, Blair is going on a cleanse. That's good. People with food and body issues should radically alter and restrict their diets whenever they're under stress. Having read about these things in her GOOP reading material, Serena is supportive. Blair's new philosophy is this: "If Chuck and I are meant to be together, then I should trust that. And in the meantime, I want whatever's best for both of us." Also, "B vitamins are excellent for cognitive function."
I don't know if you detected it, but that last statement was clearly a veiled invitation for Serena to start blabbering about her problems. It's hard to see, possibly, for the layman, but you know our Serena, she's a decorated detective with Scotland Yard now: Girlfriend can root these opportunities out like a pig to a truffle.
And what is the problem? Well, Serena finally fucked Ben, wolves howling, and so Ben isn't calling or texting or tweeting her because he has been eaten by the wolves. Blair is like, "If he was good in bed... Did you make sure he knew?" Serena's like, "I screamed myself raw, because that's what you do in bed." Blair's like, "Go tell him in person that you enjoyed your sexual intercourse with him. Then there will be no doubt."
Serena notes that Blair is being weirdly rational for the first time in her life, but then forgets to care about this, beyond her gratitude that it's caused Blair to advise S to do exactly what she was already going to do: Stomp on over to Brooklyn and stalk the guy who is avoiding her. Her other main move, on the occasions that she can locate Brooklyn.
You know who else has noticed Blair's odd behavior? That old Dorota, who assumes that Blair has finally joined a cult: "You don't come to me with any complaints about anything. You're too happy. Content!" Blair's whirling eyes focus on her for a second and she pink-clouds her way through Denialtown and then punches Dorota in the throat for not getting her a dress yet for Chuck's big episode-ender gala.
Russell Thorpe: "Here to gloat?"
Chuck Bass: "To fuck your daughter, and then gloat."
Russell: "Thanks for inviting me to your big gloat party about saving your company."
Chuck: "Thanks for rolling over like a dog and sitting there while I try to humiliate you."
Russell: "Two things: First of all, Raina has totally been dating Nate for a while, you idiot. Secondly, I have more tricks up my sleeve regarding your company."
Chuck: "...Wait, what? And secondly: What?"
Russell: "See you at the party! Tell Lily to go fuck herself!"
Chuck: "This is because you're once again wearing more purple than I am. O, industry."
Nate: "So I thought maybe we'd catch a matinee at the Ziegfeld before heading over to Blondie's to watch Villanova whup ass on Notre Dame."
Raina: "I don't know what those words mean."
Nate: "I don't actually either. They said it on Entourage."
Raina: "I always tell the truth, you know. I have dignity and honor and truth-telling and those are the main things of me."
Nate: "Really? I was not aware."
Raina: "So you have to tell Chuck that we are smoking pot together and voguing and putting on cucumber face masks and singing Ke$ha karaoke -- before this party tonight -- or else my integrity."
Dan's just kinda lounging around on Blair's bed while they discuss the day-long date they're about to go on, just like yesterday and the day before. Blair gets super insane about Field Trip Procedures, and it's awesome, and Dan notes her predilection for "plausible deniability" about them coincidenting into each other all the time, and then Dorota comes running up the stairs yelling about something so B shoos poor Dan into Serena's bedroom and screams at Dorota for a while; of course Dorota immediately notices the magazine Dan left on the bed, its address label, and the horrible truth this all connotes: Blair has joined a cult, the same one Serena just recently left again but will surely be rejoining momentarily. Humphrey's Gate.
Ben: "Hey, Nutso! How come you schlepped all the way to DUMBO instead of giving me space?"
Serena: "Oxytocin is released into the brain during orgasm, making me think that we own each other and more importantly subjecting me to actual withdrawal symptoms if we don't communicate, which is why most people turn into stalkers or chocoholics after doing it unless you act like a gentleman and cut a sister a break."
Ben: "Thanks, Mother Nature!"
Ben's Actual Mother: "Hey, bitch that took my son away for five years."
Serena: "IT'S SO NICE TO MEET YOU, CAN I CALL YOU MOM?"
PRADA MARFA. Vanya drops off Lily's Elie Saab for tonight, and among the dry cleaning is an orange jail overall with a note that says basically, "Get it?"
Ben: "Mom, I don't even know this girl! Except as a former student that got me arrested and ruined my life. But it's cool, she's my roommate's sister-wife. Hey S, since we don't know each other, would you mind have a hushed and not-at-all suspicious convo with me right outside the door, in the hallway?"
Serena: "BEN'S MOM! LET'S DO LUNCH! WE CAN TALK ABOUT HOW YOUR DAUGHTER ROOFIED AND MURDERED ME AFTER I RUINED HER LIFE AND DESTROYED YOUR FAMILY A SECOND TIME BY SLEEPING WITH YOUR NEPHEW, PROFESSOR COUSIN!"
Ben: "I feel it's even possible that this will go well."
While Rufus bounces a circus ball on his nose like a seal desperate for attention, Chuck and Lily discuss who might have sent the clever message. They try to think of everybody they've pissed off. This does not narrow it down for shit.
Somebody leaves the kennel door open and Rufus goes zooming out of PRADA and into the elevator; he is cornered on the ground level by his son Daniel, who has a problem that he needs advice about but can't talk about at all. Essentially, what if you were dating the worst person in the world, but neither of you actually knew that you were dating, and because of various other commitments neither of you could talk about it anyway?
Rufus jumps right over how this is not actually a problem, you just answered your own question, and into the basic Humphrey Mess of how all women are innately evil and it just goes with the territory that you would be ashamed to date them and thus it's natural and healthy for a man to want to keep his females secret. However, is it because you are in love that you are acting so dumb about this non-secret non-problem?
Dan assures Rufus that he has no feelings for the secret Cenobite he's dating, and just to prove it he decides to stand Blair up for their date. Rufus is so happy for the extra time outside that he turns a complete somersault in the air, then rides a tiny bicycle around while wearing a very fetching, very tiny party hat and squirting people with a seltzer bottle.
Dorota: "Joseph Beuys? Maybe I go with you to exhibit."
Blair: "You don't even know who he is."
Dorota: "He created term 'social sculpture' to illustrate idea of art's potential to transform society."
Blair: "How do you know that?"
Dorota: "[Because my moron act is just that, you jerkwad princess] From Mr. Humphrey's New York magazine I found in your room! Your new secrecy! Calmness with Mr. Chuck! Supporting Miss Serena's new boyfriend! Last week I find NOVA documentary in your Netflix queue! You and Lonelyboy are having affair! We have to tell Miss Serena!"
Blair: "Fine, I'll stand him up."
Serena takes Ben and Mrs. Sharp on a tour of Chez Waldorf and then, just to rub in their faces how bad she's slumming it, produces pizza in boxes. Mrs. Sharp's intolerance extends to lactose, though, so Serena's just like, "Then eat a salad, you harridan." She runs around the corner to take a call from Lily, who's decided that Ben is behind the orange jumpsuit, and S reminds her that we're done with that storyline.
Nevertheless, Serena creepers around to listen in on Mrs. Sharp telling Ben that his choices are either: Never make a life for himself without clearing his name, meaning he'll be a pauper that S can never really love, or else ruin her mother irrevocably and still not really be the kind of person S will end up with. Conundrum! Even S sees the wisdom of that... And what if Ben has already figured it out?
Meanwhile, guess what's haunting the rooms of PRADA MARFA once again? That's right, old Vanessa Abrams, overhearer and dropper of eaves. Lily's like, "Fool me once, shame on my daughter for getting roofied and murdered. Fool me twice?" Vanessa apologizes insincerely for that night she "helped" to engineer the death and indictment of both Lily's daughters, respectively, because not even Vanessa is capable of understanding how fucking useless she was/is/eternally will be. If they knew how much she was fucking up every stage of Juliet's plans they'd be like, "Thank God we have the enormous fucking-it-up powers of Vanessa on our side." But no, so if you could just wait a second, I have this whole other half-true bomb to drop that will decimate your family from a brand new direction. Lily's like, "Don't sit on my furniture. But continue speaking."
Mrs. Sharp abruptly goes, "I left my purse upstairs, in Serena's underwear drawer to the forged affidavit that Serena keeps in her underwear drawer, and then I'm afraid I have to leave. Enjoy your pizza." Then she goes up the stairs with arms in T-Rex Nosferatu pose and the staccato violin accompaniment of ultimate catburglary.
Dan and Blair, in the midst of avoiding each other, run smack into each other and yell for awhile about how rude it is to have been the stander-up and not the standupee; it ends so unsatisfactorially/yearnfully that even GG is like, "The fuck just happened with those two?"
Only, you know, in her nonsense-talk. Which speaking of, check out what Chuck is about to say to Nate w/r/t Raina switching boys:
Chuck: "I guess the Archibald charm wasn't as rusty as you thought. Unlike the knife in my back!"
Nate is so confused by this incomprehensible blather that he reverts to classic Nate and goes, "Sorry that I like Raina and Raina likes me, but we like each other. You're welcome for explaining it!" Chuck says that's fine -- he's only like in love with her like he has been with every other girl -- but could Nate possibly put together an elaborate scheme where he and Raina hide in a random room at the Empire and then bust out once Russell has said some unknown bad thing about whatever? For surely that will change... Nothing at all, really.
Nate's all, "I can totally do that, that is not insurmountable for my limited powers of logistics at all. Just tell me the time and place." Place: Somewhere in a giant hotel that Russell will have to be convinced to go, in the company of his enemies. Time: Some point tonight after Russell shows up and gets snookered into saying the TBD thing. Nate's like, "Ten-four. Now explain that thing before. Am I the knife? Why is the knife not rusty? Where did the knife come from? Is the knife my charm? Are we friends now?"
DUMBO
Dan, verbatim: "Did you come all the way to Brooklyn just to yell at me? Because that's really not necessary."
This Show, For The Last Four Years: "Not in our experience."
Blair: "Turns out acting all sneaky for no reason made us look sneaky."
Dan: "Are you saying that acting all sneaky for no reason made us look sneaky?"
Blair: "If we are found to be covering something up, even something that doesn't matter like us, it will explode like a richly insured Bart Bass highrise, and the casualties will be my rep and your hopes of ever doing your sister again."
Dan: "So let's just say that we're friends, like in a normal way. As though we were normal people."
Blair: "It's a stretch, but it might work."
Blair: "I'm a little worried about the simplicity of your rational approach, though. It's missing the screeching edge of madness that accompanies most of my thoughts."
Dan: "Yes, by all means let's add that complicated Blair Waldorf touch that will absolutely push us all into ruin and chaos."
Blair: "We'll tell Gossip Girl that something amazing is about to happen, which will stoke the fires, and in this way we can secretly manage expectations so that nobody cares when we just come out as being boring old friends. Something like..."
Dan, verbatim: "You getting traded for a hotel?"
Blair, verbatim: "Yeah, or you raising Georgina's baby by a Russian mobster."
Dan: "I can't think of anything going wrong there. We have all the ingredients of a drama-free turning molehills into mountains. Except, well, hold up. Is there a big party at the end of this episode where the whole cast is there and the shit hits the fan in every storyline at once?"
Blair: "We can posit that will happen, yes."
Dan: "So maybe our neurotic bullshit should be more wallflowery and less pop-up fashion show?"
Blair: "I don't think you understand how badly I want to kiss you in front of Serena. I think this one might actually kill her."
Dan: "I know, right?"
Blair, verbatim: "Oh, and only I get to joke about the hotel. Still too soon."
EMPIRE
Chuck: "Raina, Thorpe knows about this affidavit, long story, and thus is working with somebody to once again blow the deal, like he does every week."
Raina: "I am no fuckabout, nor am I a truth-shader: I am one hundred percent honest about things, and one of those things is that my dad is also that way."
Chuck: "Maybe that's true, all evidence you keep missing to the contrary, but if he does this thing he will have crossed the line into Me Territory, and thus you're the only one that can save his soul. Due to you always being honest and truthful and never lying and blah blah blah."
Raina: "Right. Because see, there are trustworthy people, and then on the other hand you have..."
Chuck: "-- Jesus, really?"
(Maybe dodged a bullet with this one.)
PRADA MARFA
Lily swishes her Elie Saab around and out comes Vanessa Abrams like the Sugar Plum Fairy's worst night ever, and Serena starts taking off her earrings and Lily's all, "Honey, just listen to her for one second." Serena wants to listen to her moans of pain and then to listen to the sound of her being flushed down a toilet, but instead Vanessa is like, "As usual, I am here to do and say horrible day-wreckers. It was Ben that got the Captain shanked in jail." Serena's like, "Yeah and?"
And he's... Um, scary? Despite always looking like a wet-eyed doe in a wind tunnel? Mean to Damien Dalgaard, the dude who managed to brainwash both of your younger siblings into drug trafficking using only his sex-withholding bi-curious vibe?
(And then Abrams's parting shot, which is something to the effect of, People in that family are really manipulative, like how after about twenty episodes of Juliet getting constantly exposed for doing horrible shit that directly targeted you, we all kept forgiving her and being friends with her, and then she came after me, so I immediately forgave her, so hard that I helped her murder you. Vanessa, Debate Club is something that you missed out on as a homeschooler, I get it, but good Lord.)
S is just like, "Lily, what is this bullshit you're bringing me? She's not even telling me anything. Nate beats up the Captain literally every time he shows up onscreen. As usual, Vanessa Abrams, you can eat a bag of asses."
She's not wrong, exactly, but considering Vanessa is the queen of eavesdropping plot devices and always knows what is up because she is sneaky as hell, the original girl of gossip if you will, maybe this should play into things. So then Serena makes a thinky face, because maybe this goes this way: The suspicious mom telling him to burn them all down, and his own recent begrudging half-forgival of Lily, the constant references to the sexy dirty things he did in jail, the fact that she randomly told him where the only copy of the affidavit was... It's all adding up. To wolves!
(But also, I remember waiting for what seemed like a million years for V and S to interact, like in S1 there was Guitar Hero and that was it. Didn't care if they were friends or bitter enemies, I just wanted them to intersect more often. Little did I know that it would be so perfect, with Serena every time just over it, before it even starts, making that same face the second Abrams ever rolls up like, "Bitch, I surround myself with ridiculous, awful people, and yet still you are irritating. Does that not clarify anything for you? You are the one thing capable of killing my infinite buzz, because that is how much you suck: Infinity."
Lily: "Let's just turn that rock over a tad, and explore the possibility that Ben and his total sketchiness are being sketchy."
Serena: "Fine. Let's go upstairs to my underwear drawer where I keep all my important documents and papers."
Lily: "Right away I have spotted a problem."
Serena, upon opening the empty panty vault: (Regular mushmouth + Ashamed sobs = Linguistic apocalypse.)
PARTY TIME
Okay, so the plan actually is that Raina's existence, at the proper time, will shame Russell into giving up his mad quest to destroy the Whatever Whatever. She's the only who made herself into an integrity fetish, it's not unfair to use her that way.
Meanwhile, S is worried that her constant stalking of Ben might have tangled mentally with his family's desire to see her mother dead, causing him to avoid her calls some more. Lily reminds her that this whole fucking mess is entirely her fault for assuming her daughter was the giant slut she totally was, and then Ben walks in.
Mean-meanwhile, amazing Blair and Dan are getting viral on that shit, all desperate-casual like, "So did you see the post on Gossip Girl about some huge secret coming out tonight? Say, that gossip our demographic is anticipating would go down great with some Grey Goose® vodka! I'll have mine with a twist, good sir! Anyone else? Anyone else for some Gossip Girl gossip and some Grey Goose® vodka?"
S tells B about the affidavit and they just stand there for ten minutes saying that word at each other forever and ever and then finally B snaps out of it and she's like, "That sucks, babe." Of course right then Dan comes up and thinks she's comforting S about the world-ending truth of their bloody important friendship, and B goes, "Impolite to interrupt, Humphrey." She sends S on her way and promises to be there for her when all is said and done, and it's totally sweet and totally hard to concentrate on due to the very cute confused looks of one Dan Humphrey.
Serena hosses on over there to Ben, gettin' her Irish up, until by the time she reaches him she is like shivering with manufactured rage and talking all this I know what you did last summer stuff about how he stole the affidavit and shanked the Captain and blah-de-blah.
Ben: "Yeah, okay. I shanked the Captain. But as I've mentioned, jail makes you do some sexy, dirty things. I'm not ashamed, I just want to move on."
Serena: "I totally know what it's like to want to forget your past, like what if you fucked your best friend's boyfriend on a public bar and then ran pantsless through the streets to a videotaped threesome where you killed a guy."
Ben: "DON'T YOU EVER PRETEND TO UNDERSTAND ME OR MY SECRET THINGS."
Serena: "Whoa, you totally just convinced me you're a bad guy. A thing I have refused to accept about every person on this show since before it started. Well done, jailbird."
Vanessa Abrams: "At last I am vindicated!"
The Universe: "Still no."
UPSTAIRS
Mrs. Sharp: "Hi, Lily. Do you know who I am?"
Lily: "Based on the smell of Connecticut Townie I would say you are Ben's mom. Sorry about the time I got your kid incarcerated for no reason and it broke his soul."
Mrs. Sharp: "No prob. Deal is, I kind of went through your daughter's underwear drawer after she tried to feed me pizza, and I found this affidavit..."
Lily: "You! Sharp Women! I can't believe I keep thinking Ben is a bad guy!"
Mrs. Sharp: "Well at least this time he's innocent and you didn't do anything terrible to him."
Lily: "No I mean seriously, I do that shit like three times a week! This time I aimed my daughter at him like a loaded gun. You can see her down there on the dance floor, chasing him around like an irate ox."
Mrs. Sharp: "Bound to happen eventually. Anyway, I gave it to Russell and I'm pretty sure he's going to do something public and terrible to you with it."
Lily: "Ben is going to be very disappointed in you."
Mrs. Sharp: "Lily, if you've taught me anything it's that sometimes a mother has to fuck absolutely everything up for everybody, for no real reason."
DOWNSTAIRS
Dan: "Dad, I need to talk to you about the mysterious girlfriend."
Rufus: "As long as it's not Blair Waldorf!"
Dan: "Um..."
Rufus: "I mean, what a worthless piece of shit that one is, am I right? Even considering she's a member of our family, I can't stop hating her. It keeps me up nights!"
Dan: "Um..."
Rufus: "Even for an emasculated woman-hater like myself, she is just a fucking beast! You know what I mean? Just a misogyny free-for-all!"
Dan: "Um..."
Rufus: "What I'm saying, Dan, is that if I ever thought you were dating Blair Waldorf I would take my own life. I want to be clear about this. I would rather catch you in bed with Charlie Trout, or your brother Eric. I would rather learn you are sleeping with Lily! I would rather you die at my own hand!"
Dan: "Dad."
Rufus: "I'm serious, son, if I ever hear so much as a peep of you dating Blair Waldorf it is going to be Beloved on the Upper East Side. I fucking guarantee it!"
Dan: "Dad, you're hurting my arm..."
Rufus: "Now, what was it you were going to tell me? You know you can tell me anything. Come sit in my lap. I didn't mean it. You know I love you, right? Daddy doesn't mean to say these awful things."
SECRET EMPIRE LOCATION
Why is Nate here? Literally he has no answer. He's supposed to help Raina use the Cloak of Invisibility to get to the Room of Requirement so they can take a Pensieve dip in Russell Thorpe's memories of where Bart Bass put his Horcruxes, that's how it was explained to him, because that's the only kind of thing he retains. So they do that, and it takes Russell about five seconds to start oiling and twiddling his mustache and tying bonneted virgins to the railroad tracks and whipping Chuck's face with his shoelaces and pulling on Lily's hair and finally Raina comes roaring out of hiding, Nate in tow.
"INTEGRITY! HONESTY! FILIAL PIETY!" It shakes the room and rattles chairs and a poltergeist wind starts up and all the papers and blackmails and affidavits and things are whirling, whirling and she's making a face like Ursula the Sea Witch, lit from below, and Russell breaks into a million little pieces and scatters to the winds and once he puts himself back together he's like, "Well now I'm certainly going to burn all you motherfuckers. This isn't even a blackmail conversation anymore, because you turned my daughter against me."
Lily smiles; Russell shivers: "I called the DA ten minutes ago. Rufus is waiting in the car to take me downtown."
BOOM! That was awesome! Chuck screams at her not to turn herself in and she's like, "Already done, Home Slice. Just make sure Thorpe bleeds." She kisses Charles's cheek and says that Bass Ind. isn't the true legacy, Chuck is. Which means one thing right now but is about to mean something different in a second.
They all get ready to desert Russell to his Cordelia fate, and Russell's like, "Get this, though: You thought my personal insane vendetta had to do with Lily? Please. Remember that plotpoint from like S1 where Dan found out that Bart burnt down a tenement with people inside it? I don't, nobody really does, but now we're retconning it to say that two people died: A security guard and Raina's mother. Your father was a mom-killing slumlord and I've been keeping this a secret from my daughter her entire life. So in retrospect, letting her date you was pretty awesome of me, because as it turns out I'm pretty much an okay guy and everything she ever said about me was true. My daughter, man: She will tell some truth."
So while Chuck is finding out that being the legacy of Bart Bass is to become eventually a mass-murderer, or something, Nate's giving Raina the relatively sunny talk about how sometimes your dad does fraudulent deals to cover his drug habit after marrying your mom for purely financial reasons, then tries to kidnap you and then whores you out, and eventually goes to jail and comes back a different kind of slimeball, but he's still your dad. Or something. Then they go smoke pot.
S and Ben make up immediately, as is their wet-eyed wont, with extra admissions on both sides, like, Ben admits that he's been beating the shit out of Damien on the regular for awhile, and S with the fact that she's kind of over it: She too is given to flights of fancy that are stronger than the reality in front of her eyes. She too would like to pretend that she is a good and healthy person with a strong heart and an unmatched generosity of spirit; if only the world didn't keep conspiring to prove her wrong.
Ben takes this as his cue to charge back one more time to the "jail changes a man in vague but intriguing ways" well, explaining that he can't be with Serena until he feels clean inside, or whatever, and she assures him -- carefully avoiding any implication that she understands his plight, lest she send him off on another rage -- that the teacher who wouldn't molest her no matter how hard she tried: He's in there, somewhere. And adieu. I hear Ithaca is just gorges this time of year. (Watch out for wolves, little guy! And tell you sister we miss her BAD.)
Dan and Blair have a drink and marinate in the blue-ball soup that is their abortive scandal. The theme of the rest of the episode, essentially, is first expressed here, as they explain to each other that The Lily Thing is going to be the focus of Season Four's third act, and that the Blonder Woodsens are going to need their help just to stay viable as people. Separately, not as an "us," because [Dan copyeditor joke that's almost funny] and because they can't be friends because... No reason, just because.
Chuck comes down the stairs actually bucking in people's faces, ladies just standing there with drinks he's like WHAT and he tells S to shut down the entire party and she doesn't know why, but somehow -- maybe her PR training -- she gets it done instantly.
NIGHT COURT
Ben and Lily look at each other across the table and he is wet-eyed grateful to hear that her one demand is that his record be completely expunged, and she says this doesn't really make up for anything but it's a fresh start -- meaning for her, and then also for their family/s, or at least this is the way Rutherford plays it, I think -- and then upgrades it again, to being a fresh start for him, as a man. He is touched, and before he leaves she's like, "Ben? My daughter has a good heart. Much bigger than mine. And she cares for you." He says he cares for her too, and that he always will, and then vanishes.
ADA Vinson asks Lily why she's being so cheerful about being the richest white lady ever to go to jail, and she goes, "Do you have kids? Does he smile when he looks at you? My kids haven't smiled at me for a long time. And tonight when I told my daughter I was coming down here, she said she was proud of me. And she smiled."
I would've liked to have seen that. I very much would like to have seen that.
More of everybody saying she's going to need a kick-ass lawyer, considering this whole dog-and-pony has been her doing from before the show even started, and then downstairs Rufus, chained scratching to a bike stand, barking furiously as who should appear but Billy Baldwin, Keith van der Dubs himself, who says the following:
"CeCe called me, told me about Lily's situation. Jumped in a helicopter as soon as I heard. Are Serena and Eric here as well?" (Rufus: More barking, reminders of fake cancer and brainwashed psychotherapists and scarves.) "I 'appreciate' your 'concern,' Rufus. Tell you what, I'll let CeCe explain everything. She's flying in as soon as she can. I don't think Lily quite realizes what she's in for. It's, uh, time to circle the wagons, Rufus. It's what we do best." And by we, I mean Wealthy Awfuls.
You have not seen a wounded animal fight for its young until you have seen CeCe Rhodes on a bucket of gin. Flashes of Damien Dalgaard's left fibula between her teeth; Juliet's hair stained red with blood; Mrs. Sharp lashed to four different horses; the entirety of the New York justice system, both Law and Order, screaming in a tiger pit. CeCe on a white horse, Keith on a red roan, two lawyers bringing up the rear:
The Four Horsemen of the WASPocalypse.
RANDOM STREETCORNER
Russell: "Sorry to interrupt your pothead date, but I wanted to say goodbye: I'm shuttering my company, and drunkenly flying back to Chicago right this second."
Raina: "You are in big trouble with little Raina."
Russell, verbatim: "You've grown into an amazing woman, Raina. You're strong, tough, and decent. And even if you don't feel proud to be my daughter right now... I've never been prouder to be your father. You look more like your mother every day."
Raina: (Bursts into flame. Just kidding.)
FAKE EMPIRE
Serena: "Chuck, why are you boozy-eyed and crazy right now? Why did I shut down this party?"
Chuck: "Argle-bargle."
Serena: "Girl, what are you talking about? You saved your legacy or whatever."
Chuck, verbatim: "All I ever wanted was to know him, for him to let me in. He lied to me until the day he died."
Serena: "Okay?"
Chuck: "I need to talk to Blair. She's the only one who will understand!" (Goes zooming in the direction of 'away,' as though Serena could never identify with his predicament, even though her mother set a couple people on fire just to get her kids into Constance/St. Jude's and she comes from a long line of creepsters.)
Serena: "Oh, shit! This is serious! You've shot past Kissing Bandit Rapist on the drunk scale and straight into Charlie Trout On The Rooftop territory! Maybe you should go to bed."
Chuck: "No, I'm going to lurch about like a half-eaten marionette."
Serena: "I'm cool with letting you do whatever you want. Let's go find Blair. Let's just hope she's not locked in an embrace with absolutely the worst person for us to find her with."
WALDORF
Blair: "Why are you at my house? DUMBO is that way."
Dan: "I've been wandering around the world, writing poetry."
Blair: "Gross. Go to Brooklyn. Rot there."
Dan: "But what if we are in love? What if Rufus and Dorota are the blind squirrels and we are their eventual nut?"
Blair: "You're talking nonsense! Keep talking."
Dan: "I have an idea."
Blair: "Fuck your idea. Also: What is your idea?"
Dan: "I will kiss you."
Blair: "You will never kiss me. Also, though, totally kiss me. Right now."
Dan: "I'm going to!"
Blair: "Fine! Just do it. In the name of science."
Dan: "I'm about to! Let's count to three, okay? One kiss, count of..."
Blair: "-- Good God, Humphrey."
(She kisses him. Freeze-frame. Six fucking weeks to wait. XOXO.)