Since the Ben thing is so new, S is taking Valentine's Day off, but since Blair needs an It Girl for some W thing, she sends Serena to ask Raina if she'll do some press. Raina agrees, but since B is only working this angle because she thinks Chuck's feelings aren't real, S eventually tells her not to do the profile. Assuming Serena is sabotaging her work plans because she's lonely and unfulfilled, Blair decides to retaliate by staging a big showdown at the party: Ben told S that he was tutoring -- not waitering, the job his roomie Dan got him -- and feels all kinds of class-related shame, which eventually he gets over, because that's all Ben ever does.
The party in question: A last big gesture to get on Thorpe's good side, Chuck throws an exclusive no-invite party outside town. By proving that his name is enough to insure a full house (at $2500 a pop, no less), Chuck hopes to keep Bass Inc. in one piece. Russell agrees, but the Captain leaks Nate a report that says they're still moving forward with his piecemeal sale. Raina finally tells Chuck that Lily was the reason Thorpe and Bart broke up in the first place, so as a show of good faith Chuck has Lily removed from the Bass board. Big showdown in which Raina finds out that Chuck is, you know, Chuck, and dumps him for being mean to his mom, so his final score is: No family, no company, no Raina.
Unfortunately, B has a secret front-row seat to C's attempt to reconcile with Raina, and the authentic feelings he's having toward her. Dan's there too, and tries to comfort her, but she doesn't thaw for a few hours, and then only after S forgives her for being awful about Ben again. Blair finally admits she read, loved and passed an article of Dan's to somebody at VF and has spent the whole episode just dicking him around, so they watch Rosemary's Baby together on the phone, and it's crazy sweet.
Other things happened. The Captain gets fired from Thorpe for passing the report, which was a planted fake anyway, but before he got fired he swiped key cards and passwords for Thorpe's office as a way of demonstrating his loyalty to Chuck. Once again, Lily was right and everybody was wrong because she's such a creep that they ruined it anyway. And Damien shows up in some sort of hat to menace Eric some more, this time about blackmailing Lily for her felony perjury that Eric told him all about when they were canoodling... But um, of which Damien is also guilty, so we'll see how that all goes down. Mostly I'm just happy Serena and Blair had more than their usual one conversation.
week: Blair's first work meltdown, Nate goes after Raina, more Blair and Dan stuff, and presumably even more people coming after Lily like a human flood of neverending vengeance.
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Happy Valentine's Day! Serena, who is your Valentine? We thought probably Ben, but no: Of course, it is Blair. Things are too new and early and unhealthy with Ben, of course. Too bad Blair's now running the entire fashion industry and operating on several incorrect -- for now -- assumptions about her relationship with Chuck to give you the time you so desperately need from her. No matter how much swanning about in a men's shirt, pouting, flouncing, begging, and making frankly some of the most skillet-to-the-head faces you've ever made on this entire show.
Blair's like, "Okay, Betty Draper, if somehow I nail down my entire career and recon Chuck's relationship, then we can go on a date." Serena retires to her bedroom for a cocktail of pills and pink champagne while Blair grabs a quick shave and heads off to sexually harass her French-speaking aspiring actress secretary with the intense teeth.
Raina and Russell have been invited to brunch at PRADA, in the hopes that somehow a total massacre won't happen. Chuck's like, "Let's pretend to be cool but then act secretly bitchy!" Lily's all, "I was gonna do that anyway!" Russell explains to Raina that Lily is a Rhodes Woman icicle for whom the concept of family is as long-ago-and-far-away as the concept of carbs, and Raina gets all moon-eyed about Chuck. Inside, Lily gets off one good line -- "Yes, Sun Tzu is right beside Emily Post on my bookshelf" -- and warns Charles to be wary of the new love of his life. I would make some overarching metaphor about this being a chess game, but I think that might be racist.
Over Brooklyn way, Dan and Ben are sitting at their computers looking for jobs and sneaking glances at each other's big sexy bodies, and we learn that Dan -- true to form -- has once again created what he thinks is writing out of what is actually journaling. He's written a story, half-heartedly commissioned by Epperly I guess while she was firing him for being a total jackhole, about what it's like for a person who lives in Brooklyn with the sexy ex-con boyfriend of his ex-girlfriend who is also his sister. Dan is so inventive that the characters' names are Flan Frumphrey and Ken Schmonovan; Dan's career is so ludicrous that it will win the Booker Prize for Best Non-Autobiographical Work of Nonsense.
Dan gets Ben a job at that catering company he worked for all of one time before, if I remember correctly, he got fired for flushing Eleanor Waldorf's cat down an upstairs commode. Grateful, Ben tells Dan to take the article straight to Condé Nast himself and find out who the new Epperly is. I sure hope it's not somebody he crudely betrayed!
The latest ridiculous W online scheme is to do a blog feature called Bright Young Thing where they follow an It Girl around town, filming her and watching her do not much of anything and spend a lot of money in crazy outfits. Of course they want Serena for this feature, and because B knows better than to get the chocolate of her employment anywhere hear the peanut butter of S's boobs of destruction, she suggests trailing Raina instead. That way, she can have her Valentine's Day with Chuck in the creepiest way possible, while also pretending to work so she doesn't have to deal with the matted-hair loneliness of Serena van der Woodsen, the girl who has completely given up on everything and just wanders the Waldorf house irritating Dorota with constant questions about basic shit like Why Do Stars Sparkle, or, When Was The Last Time I Brushed My Hair.
(A: Atmospheric gasses; B: Santorini.)
Since Serena doesn't know Raina from shit and only has interacted with her on the frequent occasions of her destroying social events in Raina's presence, of course Blair would like Serena to make this request. Otherwise, I guess, it would be too obvious that Blair is being a supercreep about Raina's Chuck relations. To make it even more ridiculous, of course, Raina is brunching in Lily's House of Horrors, so the one place where S has sworn never to go is the place where B needs her to be. But this is Serena, I mean, it's possible she would just end up there anyway while wandering the streets, catching pigeons and naming them, feeding them bits of trash. Oh, and her courseload, naturally, because college is sometimes a huge priority.
Lily and Russell are bitches to each other for awhile, but seem to be enjoying themselves. Eventually Raina pokes Chuck in the back and he activates, throwing around a bunch of unctuous Bass charm and suggesting a bizarre scheme to Russell where he will throw this lavish, expensive party, invite absolutely nobody, and it'll be out of town, and with no notice. And the pure magnetism and social cachet of Chuck will cause this party to randomly be super full and amazing -- trust -- and what will the theme be? Well, it's Chuck. The theme is Whores.
Everybody agrees to this invisible party idea, although clearly Russell is doing some horrible mind tricks on them, and then Serena shows up and instead of asking Raina to do this thing for W, she goes, "Hey, will you talk to Blair on my phone?" So really, B could have just called her anyway. But at least Serena gets to spit in her mother's eye some more and grind her heel into everybody's feet and generally act insane for awhile. She gets Chuck alone for a second and feels him out -- since it's to be assumed that his connection to Raina is fake -- but then looks like she's having a stroke when she realizes Chuck is crazy in love with Raina, thanks to their magical conversation about hiding in hotel kitchens like a psycho goblin.
The latest ridiculous W online scheme is to do a blog feature called Bright Young Thing where they follow an It Girl around town, filming her and watching her do not much of anything and spend a lot of money in crazy outfits. Of course they want Serena for this feature, and because B knows better than to get the chocolate of her employment anywhere hear the peanut butter of S's boobs of destruction, she suggests trailing Raina instead. That way, she can have her Valentine's Day with Chuck in the creepiest way possible, while also pretending to work so she doesn't have to deal with the matted-hair loneliness of Serena van der Woodsen, the girl who has completely given up on everything and just wanders the Waldorf house irritating Dorota with constant questions about basic shit like Why Do Stars Sparkle, or, When Was The Last Time I Brushed My Hair.
(A: Atmospheric gasses; B: Santorini.)
Since Serena doesn't know Raina from shit and only has interacted with her on the frequent occasions of her destroying social events in Raina's presence, of course Blair would like Serena to make this request. Otherwise, I guess, it would be too obvious that Blair is being a supercreep about Raina's Chuck relations. To make it even more ridiculous, of course, Raina is brunching in Lily's House of Horrors, so the one place where S has sworn never to go is the place where B needs her to be. But this is Serena, I mean, it's possible she would just end up there anyway while wandering the streets, catching pigeons and naming them, feeding them bits of trash. Oh, and her courseload, naturally, because college is sometimes a huge priority.
Lily and Russell are bitches to each other for awhile, but seem to be enjoying themselves. Eventually Raina pokes Chuck in the back and he activates, throwing around a bunch of unctuous Bass charm and suggesting a bizarre scheme to Russell where he will throw this lavish, expensive party, invite absolutely nobody, and it'll be out of town, and with no notice. And the pure magnetism and social cachet of Chuck will cause this party to randomly be super full and amazing -- trust -- and what will the theme be? Well, it's Chuck. The theme is Whores.
Everybody agrees to this invisible party idea, although clearly Russell is doing some horrible mind tricks on them, and then Serena shows up and instead of asking Raina to do this thing for W, she goes, "Hey, will you talk to Blair on my phone?" So really, B could have just called her anyway. But at least Serena gets to spit in her mother's eye some more and grind her heel into everybody's feet and generally act insane for awhile. She gets Chuck alone for a second and feels him out -- since it's to be assumed that his connection to Raina is fake -- but then looks like she's having a stroke when she realizes Chuck is crazy in love with Raina, thanks to their magical conversation about hiding in hotel kitchens like a psycho goblin.
Ben and Serena have a whole Aaron Rose conversation that on the outside is about how dumb and clichéd Valentine's Day is, but on the inside is about the gaping black hole of need that informs Serena's relationships. "The wolves won't come for you until I have entirely consumed your soul, Ben!" In pursuit of this obvious endpoint, Serena asks Ben about his job prospects and then before he can say "cater waiter," she fills in the blanks with all kinds of shit that makes him feel bad. "Hedge fund manager? Airline pilot? Astronaut? Prime Minister of England?" Ben's like, "All of those, actually. It's been a good day." Serena's so happy for him, because he really needed a win.
So since she was just at the brunch with Raina, and now she's meeting Raina at Ralph Lauren, one might wonder why Serena was just alone talking to Ben on the street for that entire scene. It's a fruitless question, but I will tell you: They left PRADA together, and Raina hailed them a cab, but Serena wandered off into the middle of the street, somehow tangled in her tights. Raina, she's very forthright and efficient as we know, so she took one look at that mess and called out, "I'll just meet you there!" And Serena, muffled, was all, "Who said that!? Why's it so dark inside my tights?" Carter Baizen gently took her by the hand and led her to Ralph Lauren, and by the time she could see again he was gone, a sexy wee shadow.
The Archibalds -- to whom Chuck refers, deliciously, as the collective "Archibalds" -- show up with bad scary tidings: Apparently Russell's agreement to this ridiculous secret party was a sham, and in fact he's still interested not only in cutting Chuck out of Bass Ind., but still chopping it up into bits and setting the bits on fire and trampling the bits. Chuck makes up a new, nonsensical aphorism -- some shit about how the Captain would rather "grind an ax across his knuckles" than help him, which is not a saying -- and then these three (the disgraced financier, the billionaire roué, the beautifully empty rentboy) decide that they've deduced something or other: This is still about Bart.
Raina, she's very honest, and she explains that she was only fucking Chuck because it was fun and that she knew he was after her aid with the company, but then it changed into true love. "I want to find an amazing dress," Raina says in the middle of Ralph Lauren, "And totally take his breath away." Because she is from Chicago, Raina has never been shopping before, so Serena helps her out with that.
When Raina finds out S isn't coming to the invisible party nobody knows about, she cracks a joke of the kind that would only be funny to Raina and her Wharton pals: "If Serena van der Woodsen isn't going, maybe he was exaggerating the value of his so-called brand!" That shit would get you a spit-take at the kind of nerd parties Raina likes to rock.
S explains that she doesn't know what that joke means or if it was a joke, but that she's planning on staying home and necking with her roommate because it's just stupid to spend Valentine's Day with your boyfriend if you've only just met him. "So you're saying I'm stupid," Raina obviously notes, but does not illustrate the parallels for her new bestie. They try on dresses and Raina looks fucking amazing and then Serena's like, "You know this whole thing for W? You shouldn't do it. See, Blair is psychotic and will kill all of us if she has to watch you have this amazing date during Chuck's crowning achievement." Raina correctly assesses that this is S being a good friend to Blair, and thanks her for her honesty because Raina is all about the honesty, and S is like, "Plus, it's not like her job matters and I was not about to be lonely on Valentine's Day, so it works out for everybody, if by everybody you mean me."
Dan comes looking for the new Epperly, and assumes that Blair has had her murdered or kidnapped to the Balkans. Blair tells him to eat a bunch of dicks and she'd rather staple his stupid puff piece to his leg than pass it along to the other editors at the Condé Nast Family Of Publications, because they are not friends, because he is a gross bad man. He threatens to beat her up again, and she tells him to go be a cater waiter, and he responds that all those jobs are taken, because he gave them all to Ben. B pushes Dan out a window and then calls up Raina, who abruptly cancels in her characteristically forthright fashion.
Chuck calls up his girlfriend to ask why it is exactly that Russell hates Bart so much, and Raina explains that he would never hold a grudge, being as honest and honorable as is she herself, but that Lily might have the answer since Lily was the reason Russell and Bart broke up. Which is why Russell knows that Lily is hardcore, because she was setting up the pins to marry Bart well before Rufus entered the picture, and Russell was a casualty. That Lily, she's the kind of dame where you move to Chicago once she's done with ya.
Dan and Eric have a quick little bro-meeting over some schnitzel, as you do, and we learn that in the wake of being dumped by Elliott, and Damien, and I think Jonathan one more time in there, he is now back to being in love with Jonathan. But, having no other friends and no connection to Jonathan at this point, he's spending Valentine's Day serving Meals On Wheels, because that's how Eric rolls and without Jenny Humphrey around he needed to find a new charity.
Dan, you know, his romance moves are basically: Make a big loud mess! People love giant gestures, even when they have expressly on more than one occasion made their disinterest clear! Yeah, that always works with Serena, so it makes sense they'd both think that's how you do things. They wonder where Damien is, but not in a way that shows any kind of regret, and then a little awkward dialogue where Dan "misspeaks" about how he wants to spend Valentine's Day with Blair, but not like that (but totally like that). Eric says if it's B's help Dan wants, he better settle in for a long date, and Dan says he's decided to attend the invisible party in the hopes of Humphreying her into submission and getting that article published somewhere.
Blair brings home some Boardwalk Empire because she's been having trouble sleeping, and Serena's happy to have a VD date locked down, but when Blair notes how weird it was that the characteristically forthright Raina pulled out of the ride-along feature Serena just starts twitching and cracking her knuckles and rolling her eyes like an overworked equine. Of course, right then a gift from Raina -- the dress S admired during their shopping expedition -- arrives, and also of course, S wanders away, leaving the thank you note plainly visible.
Appropriate Greeting, Serena. Thanks so much for telling me to fuck Blair Waldorf over today. If she's as brutally crazy as you say, I don't want her anywhere near my upcoming nuptials with her ex-boyfriend whom I only just met but in whose heart I have already eclipsed Blair, the ghostly hooker-nanny, and even the French hooker-philanthropist. Let's hope she doesn't come to the wedding, at which I hope you will be my Maid of Honor. I'm so glad we are best friends, and that we both despise Blair Waldorf and wish her ill. Affectionate salutation, Raina Thorpe.
Chuck appears at Russell's office to ask if it's true that Lily broke Russell's heart, which nearly makes Russell giggle but also gives him the opportunity of a lifetime: The new thing he wants Chuck to do is screw Lily over publicly and horribly. Chuck pulls out his phone, calls the head of the Bass board, and tells him Lily is unethical and riddled with conflicts of interest and is generally a terrible person, so would they mind having a big meeting and ousting her from the company? No problem.
Even Russell is amazed by Chuck's deviousness, and reminds us that Lily fully adopted Charles when he was orphaned and that he has always been her favorite child and that time after time we've learned that nothing can go wrong as long as Chuck sticks with her. Literally, that has been the case in like the last six episodes. So of course Chuck is like, "Don't be silly! I trust you, see? You want me to shank her?" But Russell knows he already has, at least where it counts.
Blair and Serena have a chalkboard-screechingly weird conversation where Blair knows that Serena has screwed her over, but Serena doesn't even know that she did it, so she just goes back to begging over and over for Blair to come get in the bathtub with her and climb into each other's clothes like a preheated oven and become one horrible two-headed beast that will never be lonely again. Blair's like, "I wouldn't climb in your pajamas right now if you had macarons in there, bitch," and gives her a little hug and a death threat about how by the time this night is over it'll be too late for Valentine's Day. Permanently.
Rufus looks up from where he's scrubbing the floor tiles in a pink frilly apron and makes disgusted but sympathetic sounds as Lily explains that Valentine's Day is cancelled and that she's just gotten kicked off the board by Chuck himself for her many violations of ethics and the laws of God and man. Rufus tries to comprehend all of this and in the end Lily's just like, "Remember the last six episodes? Trust me, Chuck's getting played. I approach this family like a black ops war criminal but at least I know what I'm doing."
Still with the bugging angry eyes of Carrie, papers catching fire with the heat of her wrath, Blair telekinetically kicks her office door closed and calls up Dan's catering company to ask that Ben be assigned to the invisible Chuck party, so that Serena will see him being a cater waiter and know that he lied to her about being elected the Vice President of the United States.
The party is going amazing, by the time Russell gets there: $2500 a person, filled to capacity, and all too indicative of the power of Chuck Bass. Chuck tries quietly to throw all this success at Raina's feet, saying she inspires him just like that French whore used to do, but she assures him that she does not go in for that kind of namby-pamby talk.
Dan runs up to Blair and asks if she read the article, and even though she did and already passed it on, she says she doesn't have to: "I know what it's about, a boy from Brooklyn and an untouchable Upper East Side blonde." Nicely played, Waldorf. She hands him this line about how she is now an arbiter of taste (thanks to him!) and that championing "some lame Humphrey lamentation" would be akin to "showing up at an accessories shoot in Crocs." He starts down a typical Dan path about how people can change and mature and grow into the kind of people who does what he tells them to, and she wanders off to pit S against the lies of her lover.
Serena agrees to a short filmed interview, but doesn't seem too happy about it. I just can't believe that the Where's Waldo of the Upper East Side managed to find her way to a party that doesn't even exist. That's so Serena. The only places she knows how to be are the places you can't find.
Lily bitches at Russell some more, because he's in the way of her finding Charles and talking him out of siding with the enemy, and Russell's like, "Probably off being in love with my daughter, loser." Lily just straight up goes, "What I think is that whatever it is you're up to appears to be working, and my son should know that. Excuse me." Well done.
If you care, and you don't, the Captain is also at this party so that he can hand in his resignation from Thorpe and thus show some kind of allegiance to his son and his son's high school boyfriend, with whom they both live.
If you care, and marginally so you probably do care more, Chuck has built an entire room around a Whores of Venice theme for Raina where she can have her favorite food from her favorite Venice bar on this holiest of all love nights. "When I care about someone, I'm not afraid to show it," he says, and she smiles. "When I think a thing, I say it, because I am always honest and you always know where I stand. I'm just built that way."
Outside the lovers' nest, Daniel is staring at them yearning for something he can't speak aloud, and then Lily shows up and asks him where Charles is, and he points weakly at the door, which is closing on their passion, and then doubles over with a pain so deep and intense it could only be assuaged by Ben showing up at this party and having a big dumb fight with Serena van der Woodsen and then hobbling back to DUMBO in need of a drinking buddy and a firm shoulder to cry on.
Serena's answers to the interview questions: Mystique, maybe. The Louboutin Biancas she wears.
And then also, who is her Valentine? Blair helpfully swings the camera around to show Ben Donovan working as a cater waiter -- "Don't be embarrassed, S. It's okay to date below the line. Madonna and Julia Roberts paved the way for girls like you!" -- and then everybody yells at everybody else because everybody lies to everybody else. Ben thought Serena was staying home, Serena thought Ben was working a case with the SVU, Blair thought S was helping with the Raina situation, and Raina thought B was honest about helping her relationship with Chuck. Ben runs away because he's ashamed that S put lying words in his mouth, and Serena just stares blankly trying to figure out why the field hockey stick of Blair Waldorf has once again struck her on the buttocks.
Lily goes barging into the Venetian Fantasy and Chuck yells at her for awhile about how she's the reason Russell hates everything and she never told them about that, and then escalates into just straight-up calling her an ignorant slut. "We both know you're a socialite, not a businesswoman. You traded musicians for titans of industry, upgraded from a tour bus to a corporate jet..."
Raina looks like she's about this close to barfing, it's all very awful and intense. Lily responds, awesomely, "I've done nothing but try to salvage that company for you. I stepped in so Jack wouldn't take it away, and every day since, I have fought for your future. If we had stuck together on this, we would've won... Charles, you've lost, and I'm not talking about your battle with Thorpe." Chuck spits in her face and says she never would have even adopted him but for to get Bass Ind., which is freaky hateful and crazy and frankly should have given them all pause, and then Lily is just like, "You are the worst and whatever happens , you walked into it with your eyes open."
Russell appears and grinds Chuck's face into the pavings with some stuff about how family is very important to Thorpes and Chuck has just proven his inability to trust or love or act like a decent human being, and Raina just couldn't be more grossed out and takes off, and then Chuck says that Raina will shortly be hating Russell too because he's such a bad man that forced Chuck to hand his company over by being a dick, and Russell invites him to take a shot at their family, because of course it's the one thing that Raina will not be able to forgive. Along with all of the other things Raina can usually never forgive but always seems to anyways.
Serena honestly thinks that Blair ambushed her for like internet ratings or something, because her career has made her a monster, and Blair's like, "Don't be jealous of my career! That's what this is all about! You hate that I'm successful while you're just a pill-popping housewife from 1962! You take everything away!" Same old song. Serena finally confesses that she only did it because Chuck and Raina are in love for real, which make Blair scoff so hard her hair stands up and then -- this is pathetic -- fully runs off to drag Chuck down there and tell everybody he's just gaming the Thorpes and doesn't really love Raina and only loves her. Like that will make it more real if other people believe it. Even Serena, who invented this move, is like, "Oh, girl. That is low."
Russell fires the Captain and the Captain is like, "I already quit! No takebacks! But how come? Is it because I'm an unlicensed convicted fraud and felon who had no business working in your company in the first place?" No, it was because he leaked whatever it was that made Chuck so paranoid about the Lily/Russell secret that he issued Lily's burn notice. Which is what Russell wanted him to do, but also proved he could only be trusted to not be trusted. Everybody nearby is like, "Wait, that part was confusing. Who did what?"
Blair and Dan find their way to the lovers' nest, and Blair's like, "He is taking this manipulative game of his pretty far," and Dan tries to explain that Chuck is in love with Raina, but just then they both come rushing back, so Blair and Dan hide behind an arras like Polonius. Chuck weeps and tries to explain that his disgusting behavior wasn't really as disgusting as it was, and how they are still so very much in love, and that it's not so much that he doesn't value family as that he doesn't know what the word means:
"My father was basically the WASPy version of Megatron and now sometimes haunts me like on Dexter saying snarky shit and calling me fat, my mother abandoned then betrayed then abandoned me and she wasn't my mother but then she was and then she wasn't again, my uncle has tried to kill me at least three times even after we double-teamed a bunch of Asian prostitutes together, I keep raping my sisters all the time, I mean, it's been super tough!"
Raina's not having it. Meanwhile, behind the curtain, Dan is amazed that Chuck's coming off so sincere, but the deathmask of Blair's broken heart is like, "Shut up, he's not lying. This is the real shit. This is the Charlie Trout shit, right here." Dan tries to take her hand, without looking at her; Blair jerks away, without looking at him; both of those things are: Perfect.
Well, since Serena was right about everything and only sabotaged tonight so that specifically what happened wouldn't happen, Blair comes running to apologize. Serena is sitting on the bed staring into space, which is not surprising, but Blair's bearing chocolates from a Duane Reade, which is straight-up unbelievable. On the upside, we learn the Serena profile is going to cement Blair's position at W and they're even leaving out the Ben part, so there will be literally no fallout from any of this. (For the girls, anyway. Chuck and Lily are basically a car accident right now.)
B sends Serena off to be with Ben for the last few minutes of Valentine's Day, and then lets Dan know that she already submitted his article to Vanity Fair and was just dicking him around this whole time. Why? Because they are BFF, secretly, but out loud maybe even more shockingly, because it was: Good. "Sharp, and well observed. When it comes to experiencing an ex with a new love, you have some insight."
Ha! The only time people read on this show is when it's thinly veiled autobiographical Dansturbation. Of course Blair's like, "I see the quality, now that it perfectly describes my own situation." Anyway, they climb into their separate beds and watch Rosemary's Baby together on their laptops, because they are each other's Valentine but could never go on a real date right now. It's like Age Of Innocence or Witness where you only touch people with gloves, only instead of gloves it's Netflix.
You can tell the Captain has turned over a new leaf and is no longer a scumbag by how he hands Chuck the cardkey to Russell Thorpe's office and all of his computer passwords. I'm so glad he's committing to his probation and not engaging in high-level corporate espionage. On the other hand, at least it's for rent from a child millionaire and not for drugs. And he hasn't dragged Nate into it (yet), so maybe he's learning after all.
Um, Serena and Ben mush their faces together. Dan and Blair mush their brains together.
Eric pours his heart out to a fellow volunteer because he's still Meals-On-Wheelsing at midnight (most of the senior and ailing citizens love nothing more than a good after-hours knees up and some Meals On Wheels comfort food for the inevitable hangover) and then to shut him up ("I got more hugs tonight from strangers than my grandmother's doled out my entire life!") the lady tells him that "a guy" came by earlier -- cute, brown hair, kinda gay vibe -- and that he said he'd just be lurking around the corner in a dark alley full of broken glass and abandoned splintery boards for when Eric got back from feeding the needy.
"Jonathan!?" Eric interrobangs, and runs full-tilt around the corner and into the squeezing bad-touch arms of one Damien Dalgaard, who is now undercover as a Rasta but still wearing six pounds of eurotrash makeup. "Remember how you used to lay in my bed for hours whining about your fucked up family and how Lily forged that affidavit? I am about to fuck your whole family over."
Eric, presumably since he knows that it was actually Damien's perjured testimony that got Ben arrested in the first place, goes meekly with him as he strong-arms their way down the street, into the city, into the sweat and heat of a New York City night. Tomorrow, the latest assault on Lily can begin. But for tonight? It's been a while. Lots of time to make up for.
week: Eric turns eighteen. Don't be gross.