In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
You get an internship at W Magazine where you learn that you are not the only Blair Waldorf-type person in Manhattan. One of the other Blair Waldorfs is your secret bestie Dan Humphrey, who got this job, like America Ferrara and Anne Hathaway before him, by actually wanting to work for an entirely different magazine.
War commences. You contact Lorrie Moore for a party, but Dan pulls Jay McInerney out of his ass yet again. He stoops to sabotage, while you stay loyal. It is a reversal of expectations.
Things end in a dance-floor tussle that has all the makings of future boning. In the end, Dan concedes that he is a prick-face, and you get to keep your job.
Or you learn that your business foe has hired the father of your live-in BFF, who is also living with you, so you approach your foe's autistic daughter and ask her to get him fired.
She breaks up with you and hires a male Asian prostitute for her needs, but later forgives you, with tongue. The Captain moves out of your house. Not sure where.
Or you find out that your old patsy Damien Dalgaard is now dealing drugs, and dick, to your little brother. You worry about this as much as possible, but are distracted by the come-and-go attentions of your ex-con former crush, who is being paid off by your mother yet again to leave town. To farm, organically.
After he spurns your affections for the fifth confusing time you get your stepmother Rufus Humphrey to give him the loft in DUMBO, even though your brother already lives there. Even though he is in love with you and says he is not in love with you, he gets all jailhouse rock on Damien Dalgaard and it is sexy, and then Damien Dalgaard calls your little brother up again. For some revenge. For a blowjob and some revenge. So now DUMBO is sexier than ever, and Damien Dalgaard is still putting it to your brother, possibly, or never was. That part was confusing for everybody.
But also hot as hell.
Either way, you realize that Damien Dalgaard is the most realistic thing that has ever happened on this show.
week: Cosmic love.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see the show's stars' best and worst movie roles. And see what our vlogger thinks of the show, below!
Want to immediately access TWoP content no matter where you are online? Download the free TWoP toolbar for your web browser. Already have a customized toolbar? Then just add our free toolbar app to get updated on our content as soon it's published.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!So here's what everybody's up to: Chuck and Raina Thorpe are still doin' it, talking that mad confusion business rival sex stuff like "Who knew what a turn-on it would be?" and "As long as we play clean in business, I'm happy to keep it dirty between the sheets" and crap like that. Gossip Girl is trying to stay warm, quilting in her spare time and sleeping in a pile of her many cats, mourning over how Jennifer Aniston made Perez Hilton be nice, wondering if she can take his place.
Eric is so lonely he thinks Serena can be places, but she's ignoring his pleas for attention because she's still desperately trying to make Ben Donovan approve of her breasts. And Blair is starting her internship, which we know is going to be at a fashion magazine because of last week but Serena assumes is at either a doughnut shop or the CIA, because that's how Serena thinks.
"This is like living with Don Draper!" Serena sighs, after Blair cups one magnificent boob in her hand, puts out a cigarette in her morning scotch, and heads off to keep her many wives in the dark about each other. Left alone for the day in the gilded cage of her own forgotten dreams, Serena heads upstairs to beat her children, while smoking one hundred cigarettes and struggling internally with the revolutionary ideas of one Betty Friedan.
Dan is so grateful that Lily got him a job at another mysterious magazine which is actually the same mysterious magazine, obviously, although Lily already knows he's going to hate it, because if the movies have taught us anything it's that fashion magazine internships are the White Elephant of internships: Nobody really wants to work there, it's certainly not a deadly competition full of double-crosses and eating disorders, no, it's just a stepping stone to being the Saul Bellow generally.
Daniel skips breakfast, gamely, and when he's gone Lily's like, "Well, at least one of our kids likes me. Too bad it's the worst one." Rufus tells her not to worry, because at least they haven't had Vanessa climbing in the windows or shinnying up the air conditioning lately, and Jenny's letters from Hudson are no longer just pictures cut out of Vogue with tiny dicks drawn on the ladies and red-marker blood coming out of their eyes.
"I get Ben out on parole, but Serena and Eric continue to treat me like I'm toxic!" Rufus, having learned a thing or two, immediately says that it's preposterous anybody would think the horrible shit she's constantly doing to their kids could ever have consequences, and so he lives another day. "Everything I do, or have ever done, is for my children," Lily says. And scoff away, but she's not wrong: The serial monogamy with old dudes was all about her kids, the constant business backstabbing is always about the family, pretending at different times that her troubled children don't exist is done for their benefit, and even the elaborate ruse about her mother's fake cancer was only to cover up her own fake cancer. It's not that she's wrong, it's that she goes about things so poorly she might as well be trying actively to destroy them.
Ben Donovan is also the name of Chandler Bing's new character on the new Chandler Bing show with Allison Janney. What are the odds? Anyway, even though he is destitute and just got out of prison a week ago and is living in a halfway house so desperate that even Serena will notice the existence of poor people, he still demands to pick up the check for their coffee date.
Ben lies about how he's staying with friends, and then lies about how he has been invited to Ithaca to organically farm with other friends. His lies are both elaborate and see-through, but of course Serena makes it easy, I think because she has confused Ithaca with Ibiza: "It's supposed to be beautiful," she mumbles, and he just shakes his head about her once again. "Being outside all day, working with my hands after being cooped up for so long, it's kind of ideal." Serena's like, "I don't see how that's possible, but ok lol."
As long as they can go on many, many dates together before he leaves, in that sunny period of time somewhere between now and forever in which things happen, as far as Serena's concerned. "I'm leaving tomorrow," he says, and Serena just looks confused. "I don't know when that is, precisely, but I bet they have Skype there. As long as I can totally keep tabs on the horrible life in which my family has left you stranded."
Ben runs off to fake more of his new life, thinks about getting a coffee job and giving up farming forever, and meanwhile Serena thinks hard about what she can do to bring Ibiza to the Upper East Side. Whom does she know that would think organic farming is fun? Who is that awful? Vanessa's off with the circus, and Dan just dumped her for the eleventh time... Got it. "Rufus. You used to have a plot in a community garden, right?" He doesn't even know she's being mean.
Blair wins the first dialogic hat trick of the evening by A) Being in a movie fight with Dan Humphrey at all, B) calling Scorpio Rising "dreck," a word she learned from Cyrus Rose, and best of all C) "It puts the ick in esoteric." Nice, girl. Dan offers instead the Merchant Ivory retrospective, managing not to mention Greenaway like a true indie tool: "You can ensure that your delicate sensibilities aren't disturbed, and I can catch up on my sleep!" Dan + Blair = Dan Rules. Blair says just because they go to movies constantly doesn't mean they are friends, and as usual Dan loves it when she says that.
We get into a whole Men Are From Mars convo about how only boys like Joseph Beuys (true) and only girls like Degas (also true) and he's all, "I'm gonna take a pass on the ballerinas. Frilly dresses and tutus are not my idea of art." And not that this transition makes a tremendous amount of sense, but since they're both going to be working at a fashion magazine in a second, now's the time for the good old Cerulean Blue:
"Fashion is the most powerful art there is! It's movement, design, and architecture, all in one! It shows the world who we are and who we'd like to be! Just like your scarf suggests that you'd like to sell used cars!" And, the cherry on that sundae? Vanessa gave him the scarf. Of course.
Blair abruptly tells Dan to stop wasting her time and fuck off, because she has her mysterious internship, about which she won't even tell her BFF Dan. He's keeping his a secret too, because he's starting to understand how B operates, and then he jokes about meeting her at the Morgan -- her choice, note, the Degas -- wearing his "most fashionable toe-shoes."
Remember that part in Leonard Part Six when Bill Cosby put on the magic toe-shoes and danced past the animal-human hybrids? I think about that, like, constantly.
Serena runs into Damien Dalgaard, who has become awesome this year (and in fact is out getting coffee for his young friend Eric), and she's like, "What's up, asshole?" He apologizes to her about the time she got kidnapped and roofied and murdered and committed to a mental hospital, and for once she doesn't laugh about how serious everybody takes that. It's sad because he honestly is like, "Are you okay? I was really scared!" and she's all, "Look, I couldn't care less about clearing your conscience! When are you gonna realize your occupation hurts people?" Which is true on one level, but... Not any of the levels where Serena lives, so suck it up.
Damien points out that he's not a pusher, Cadie, and it's not fair to say that because roofies and ether don't kill people, Juliets kill people. "I guess you're only half responsible that I almost died." She takes off congratulating herself, and I presume that Damien goes back to his ambassadorial apartments to have more sex with her little brother. Or whatever is the deal. Hugging, hand-holding, dreams about the future. Finding shapes in the pressed-tin ceiling above the four-poster. I'm going to go with sex, though, because I don't know if you have ever met a Damien Dalgaard but that's the deal.
W Fashion closet! Exciting! B babbles and burbles and wiggles and tickles, with her editorial boss Epperly, whom I very much appreciate. I'm happy about the existence of Epperly. "I saw that movie too? But this is real life, not some Hollywood chick flick where a girl with a scrunchie gets a makeover and triumphs in the end." (B is like, Real life isn't movies? Pull the other one, Skinny.) She proudly chirps, "I have never owned a scrunchie!" and Eps goes, "I think I read that on your résumé."
Touring, touring, dropping the name of EIC Stefano Tonchi, for whom Blair has of course created an insane PowerPoint presentation, and Epperly is like, "Look, I've been Stefano's assistant since he took over and I've barely had five minutes alone with him. Keep it in your pants. We talk mad mess about the open door policy, but he's still crazy busy. This isn't some kind of bullshitty Joe Zee situation where he's going to sit down and slurp iced lattes with you."
That's when Epperly introduces B to her fellow interns. Of course, Blair assumed that she would be the only person on staff, because she's quote Blair Waldorf, and Epperly just laughs and is intimidatingly put together some more: "They're all Blair Waldorfs: Princeton, Yale, Penn, and Parsons." And then the sixth intern arrives: Mr. Dan Humphrey, of the Brooklyn Humphreys, who goes to NYU and whose existence Blair has always found troubling. The fires of war rise within her, and Dan couldn't be happier. The Human Scrunchy.
Cinema scion Jonathan, whose relationship with Eric van der Woodsen ended in a Pinkberry avalanche and priceless mobster-movie paraphernalia, shows up at PRADA MARFA with some shit Eric left at school at some point. Lily's happy to see Jonathan, and they talk about how their painful breakup was a bloodbath but now Eric's sleeping over at his bisexual boyfriend's house all the time. (Not normal. Don't let your teenagers sleep over with each other, if they are dating. That's a great way to get pregnant.)
Jonathan stutters for a second before blabbing the entirety of the fact that Elliott dumped Eric over the holidays, so wherever Eric's been sleeping it's not been at Elliott's. Which would not be okay, I repeat, but would still be more okay than stranger dangers. Which is what's happening: Eric's been sleepovering at Damien Dalgaard's house. Damien, he loves him some Gen Y. I will give you that. Cut to Damien handing over Eric's coffee with a glimmer of hope in his eyes: As long as Eric is appeased, he's this much closer to literally sleeping with every relative of Serena's that he can find. Chuck was easy, Dan will present no problem, Jenny and her virginity were frankly a hassle, but nobody can do lonely like bossy little Eric van der Woodsen.
Serena wanders the streets looking for a building full of ex-cons, and eventually finds it. When the friendly fellow outside explains that she's looking at a halfway house, for the first time Serena actually looks like she might cry. Not the black tears of a murderess, but actual compassion for another human being. And underneath that, the crippling sense that this is somehow her fault. And all the sex she's been planning on having with Ben since she was a kid turns into not just a fantasy but very much a humanitarian mission. It's going to take more than those condescending gardening tools, sweetheart.
While Epperly drones ("Focus on your work ethic, not your wardrobe") Dan and Blair hiss and claw at each other quietly in the back. "You don't know the difference between Rodarte and road kill!" she says, even though half the time neither do they. "You'll be guillotined!" Dan points out that he's going to be making copies, not styling celebutantes, and Blair offers to staple his tongue to his shoulder blade. She tries to bus-throw by pointing out that Dan -- who is wearing a classic Rufus cowl-neck sweater, btw -- is the scrunchy-girl who wanted to work for The New Yorker. Epperly's tail starts wagging about that, though, because W is a magazine for writers now. They even have a blog! And a party to introduce the blog! And Lynn Hirschberg's writing the intro to the blog! And everything's comin' up Humphrey!
Eric gets home from "coffee" at Damien's and is appalled to see Jonathan there, but even moreso once Lily jumps on him about how where he's been sleeping. "And don't say Elliot's, I called over there and spoke to his mother." Didja, Lily? Is that how it went down?
"Hey, Mrs. Elliott, it's Lily -- Eric's mother? I was just wondering if our teenage sons spent the night under your roof, having gay sex with each other right down the hall from your bedroom. I'm sure hoping so. Oh, they broke up in Gstaad? That's a shame, I was really hoping to have Elliott over week for a frank family discussion about using only water-based lubricants. I was thinking of making it a potluck!"
"I didn't want to share a huge fact from my life? I wonder where I got that gene from." CeCe Rhodes, it's all about CeCe. Lily puts down her teacup and starts taking off her earrings and she verbatim goes, "Now you listen to me" and it's sort of amazing, but then Jonathan sends her out of the room. Out of her own living room. Just like that. Which I cannot believe anybody, even Jonathan, would do. First because he's in punching range, and second because what was she actually going to do? Something fabulous, I assume.
"Are you okay? What's going on with you and your mother?" Eric's like, "Like you care! You dumped me! Just because I ruined your life a couple times and then stole some girl's boyfriend! How dare you ask how I'm doing?" Jonathan's like, "Okay, but I'm here now, and you are acting insane." Eric almost starts crying, because as usual the Rhodes thing has been exhausting for him, and then Jonathan swoops in there and Eric agrees to bring him as his date to the big part of the episode, aka shortcut to horror. I imagine the thing was, "Why does your neck smell like exchange student Eurotrash?"
Blair's in the fashion closet torturing Dan, trying to throw him off his game because he's in there to pull lemon Louboutins and she presents him with mustard Marc Jacobs, and he knows she's bluffing, and then Blair puts Chanel No. 5 in Epperly's coffee to make somebody else look bad, and Dan appears with cappuccino -- including the Rufus Humphrey-once-sold-coffee nutmeg foam -- and then the third part of the triptych is them both grabbing and snatching at a stapler. "Give it up, Blair. I'm actually good at this, and unlike the other interns, I know you. Your stupid tricks won't work." She screams "LOOK, IT'S GEORGINA'S BABY!" and runs off: Humphrey 2, Waldorf 1.
Nate is still freaking out about the Captain's job prospects because his character is in a holding pattern right now while we get everything set up for the second half of the season, and against all logic Cap's been named a financial advisor, in a "top-tier company." The kind that doesn't mind unlicensed, convicted frauds. "The suits, the business lunches, the ability to pay my own hotel bills. I can't stop pinching myself!" Dad, stop pinching yourself. Nate finds out that the Captain's working with Russell Thorpe, and immediately tells Chuck about this, making his face do that thing.
How they do things at W is that they like to sit down Lynn Hirschberg with Colin Farrell and see how that goes. But since she's stuck in Dublin, it's a major disaster and they have to find a new author, and luckily Jay McInerney is a drunk and has forgotten the five times Dan has destroyed his existence, so Dan can call him up just any old time: "You do realize that I know [Jay McInerney] personally, right?" is no match for Blair's return volley: "And you do realize that I know everyone personally, right?" Humphrey 2, Waldorf 2.
They agree to bring authors to the big party and then whoever wins, they'll get to stay at the magazine. They shake and Dan realizes what he's doing and he's like, "It's gotta be a clean fight. Do you understand that, as a concept? No sabotage?" Honor, as ever, is Blair's watchword. Dan will never understand that.
S arrives at PRADA to get Eric for lunch, and is actually civil to her mother for about five seconds before handing over a mysterious package from Vanya downstairs. I love that their relationship with the Help is so codependent now that Vanya can be like, "Could you drop off some of these packages?" Lily shivers and refuses to open it in front of S and Rufus, and the way she's acting is so shriekingly untrustworthy that they team up on her immediately and she has to open it. Inside: Ithaca.
"Please use this money to start a new life far away from me and my family," Serena sounds out, and she like, "Charming, Mom." On the back, like a serial killer, Ben has written the Judas-esque I DON'T NEED YOUR BLOOD MONEY TO STAY AWAY, I'LL STAY AWAY FOR FREE. (GG: "Looks like not everything or everyone's on sale this January!")
Serena's like, "No wonder Ben keeps lying to me and not sleeping with me! You gave him money! You are the worst!" Apparently Lily was going to help out by finding Ben an apartment and whatever, but instead she just gave him thirty grand and called it a day. I love how Lily is now a permanent fugitive, I mean think about it: As long as Ben Donovan is alive, she could go to jail at any moment. That is so fun. Eric shows up and S is like, "Guess who Mom's paying off now?" Eric just sighs wearily, all, "Um, Everybody. Eventually everybody."
S lists why this is unacceptable: "He's blameless! He was a wonderful teacher, who can't do what he loves, thanks to you! He deserves more!" If only Ben knew about the wolves! The Serena Curse! He only has to sleep with her like one time, and then everybody's suffering would end, because he would die or be shipped to Russia or revealed as a Vanderbilt or whatever. The Curse is different for everybody. For Ben, I'm thinking mugging. Or something with Damien, I can see that for sure. And the sad thing is that Serena will not let it go until she either feels better or worse.
Dan's author in confirmed, and Blair's author is Lorrie Moore. Exactly the kind of person Blair Waldorf would have in her Rolodex, right between Paula Deen and Ursula K. LeGuin. We discuss the many accolades that would make redoubtable Jay McInerney the perfect match for a W magazine blog -- a blog, mind you, which is planned to be about everything, any old thing, books and wine and movies and riot grrl bands and the jazzercise renaissance -- and although Moore was a 2010 finalist for the PEN/Faulkner Award -- proof that even the '90s can eventually get over itself -- on the other hand McInerney's on the board of admissions at Williams, where Stefano's niece is applying. Humphrey 3, Waldorf 2.
"Afternooners are my favorite," Raina coins, but Chuck is not there for an afternooner, he's there to bitch about the thing they just agreed not to bitch about. I don't know if you know this, but Raina is incredibly forthright and never ever lies, because she always tells the truth. Just putting that out there in case you forgot. So then why did she hire the Captain? Because he and Russell are birds of a feather and Russell believes in second chances, and because obviously they want a NYC insider like the Captain, because of all those bridges he didn't burn back when he was an embezzling drug addict. Raina points out saliently how why would she know/care that Chuck is living in sin with the Captain's delicate and ruddy only son: "I assure you, Thorpe Enterprises has no interest in corporate espionage," Raina lies, because she always tells the truth. Chuck orders her to fire the Captain, and then afternoon with him. She'll have neither, thank you.
S calls B; she's tossing crates into a van downstairs like a total champ, ruining my Olivia Pallermo fantasy once again, and Serena just laughs at her because like, you love competition so much that you're willing to turn a W internship into a war with Dan Humphrey? Why not just punch a puppy in the face? Blair assures her that no, the usually helpful rule of thumb -- that Dan is completely useless -- does not actually apply in this case.
"All the other girls are variations on a theme, and that theme? Slightly lesser versions of me. But Dan is a writer, he makes delicious coffee... Never mind the fact that he's not a completely horrible-looking straight [~] guy working at a fashion magazine, he's got the whole office buzzing!" Lorrie Moore will make Jay McInerney look "like a monkey with a typewriter, or maybe an invisible monkey with a typewriter." This last with a breathy sort of fantasy sound to her voice, like there's a pony in there as well. Serena begs Blair not to scheme Dan and just act normal, a possibility both as far and close as Ithaca, New York.
"Why not? I'm not going to treat him any better than all my other enemies just because you sporadically love him!" Serena assures B that they are not enemies, and tells her -- awesomely -- to earn the spotlight on her own merits: "You'll feel better." They ring off, B demanding that S "let Ben go" and S demanding in turn that B "let Dan be." I love these weeks where Serena is like fully cogent. I realize that the majority of her storylines involve the intermittent brain zaps that render her a prowling confused kitty-cat, but even when she's being dumb I know on the inside she's still got it together.
Aw, Dan brings Blair lunch from WichCraft because he knows her class issues do not permit her to venture into the commissary, and it's so great. She gets a sad feeling in her face and is like, "I don't know what to do if not destroying," and then changes her mind about whatever she was going to do, sadly. Watching Blair drop an evil plan is like watching Agnes burn Jenny's dresses all over again.
Ben Donovan is having trouble with his coffee shop application because he has to say yes about the felony and there isn't enough scratch space to explain the whole rape thing, not even if you drew an arrow to the back and kept writing, so what's a boy to do? Luckily, Damien Dalgaard appears from nowhere -- maybe getting more coffee to feed the youngster -- to be mean to him about "remember that time I got you jailed for no reason because I was a jealous nerd and you wore tailored vests?" Ben's not having it, so Damien offers him some drugs instead, because the list of things Damien is capable of talking about is small, because inside of himself he is both all-nerd and all-psycho, but either way Damien Dalgaard is a costume he is wearing. Just like everybody else.
"So it's true? Straitlaced academic star became a dealer? I remember that paper you wrote comparing The Wire to The Iliad. Did not intend for English Comp to be an occupational training course... Yeah, the thing with The Wire is the witnesses usually had evidence before they testified. I know you were the one who said you saw me and Serena at that B&B... Nothing happened between me and Serena that night, but I went to prison anyway." Always the same story, isn't it. (It occurs that The Iliad is also the first recorded example of failure To Be Places, now that you brought her up.)
I left out the DD parts of that conversation out because it's really all about this line: "You say potato, judge says pedophile!" Then, right on cue, Eric shows up looking forlorn and in need of some friendship/big-brothering/sodomy/coffee, and Damien goes, "I'd introduce you, but you may or may not have statutorily raped his sister. Might be a tad awkward!" I never expected to be rooting for Damien Dalgaard, or against Ben Donovan, but it's like he ate his Dan/Blair Wheaties and can't help being amazing today. And Ben is such an inconsistent character that I still have no idea what he is, besides cheekbones and tough luck. I guess what I'm saying is, not even Ben and Damien at the same time can make up for Juliet. I know she's gone, but her perfume lingers. Her knock-off perfume, aww.
(Actually, I've been keeping a running list. It changes a lot because she is poor and only gets by on free samples and magazine inserts, but: For on-campus and her philanthropic pursuits, it was Viktor & Rolf's Flowerbomb. Whenever she was at Hamhocks she wore my favorite, Dior's Hypnotic Poison. Visits to Professor Cousin, she employed the age-old ruse of wearing men's cologne, which makes boys do what you want -- in this case, Varvatos Classic but I couldn't tell which. The Night Of One Thousand Serenas, she was wearing sandalwood and patchouli, because bitch does her homework. And from the ballet onward: Tommy Girl. It actually turned into Tommy Girl on her body, once they did their witch curse on her. Back in Connecticut, it's all Electric Youth.)
Epperly lavishes Dan with praise on a job well done, and brings up the fact that her coffee tasted like Chanel No. 5. Which there is no way you could know that, I mean coffee beans are the palate cleanser and anyway, all you would taste is chemicals, but whatever. Maybe that's why Epps has the jobs she has. Also unrealistic: "Her kindergarten yearbook quote is The best defense is a good offense," Dan says, in a way that suggests he's not kidding but also brings up a host of making no sense. And then, thinking about all the horrors of Blair and how even in death a pit bull's jaw will not release its hold, Dan does the unthinkable, the Vanessa, the full-on evil thing: Calls Lorrie Moore and tells her in the second person that you are no longer invited to the big party.
Big party! While Damien supplies socialites (Thackery and Moon, are their names) with drugs, Rufus stands idly by while Jonathan brings up two bubbly glasses of champagne for himself and Eric. "Enjoy yourselves, boys! And remember, the bedroom at PRADA is yours for the night!" Eric and Rufus talk about how tough it was on Lily how they all judged her for her behavior, and Eric tells Rufus that his wife is a bitch and Rufus takes off, still confused as to why he is even there. Jonathan is twitchy with desire; Eric immediately runs off to see Damien, I guess... I still have no idea what Eric's doing with Damien. We will never know. Damien is like "What if every joke we ever made about Chuck were actually true?"
The white hot heat of Chuck and Blair. She's at the door, interning, and happy to see him there without a plus one, and he goes, "Knowing you, you'll be editor by May. Your plan's working!" He is, if possible, prouder of her than she is. She blushes and looks down -- "So it seems to be" -- and the air is heavy with meaning and with awesomeness as they stare and stare and think about the future when she has an Empire of her own and they can finally be together. Somewhere Serena gets an itching in her palms and thinks about Dan and then tries to remember what his face looks like.
Ben is, of course, in attendance at the big party. He's there to ask her why Eric is sneaking around the party with Damien Dalgaard, after previously having been on a date to which he was also a witness. S is like, "Eric wouldn't be sneaking around with a drug dealer! Not now that everybody knows drugs hurt me!" They go looking for E and run into Jonathan, who is like, "This date is not going well."
Serena cocks an eyebrow and very subtly asks about the Elliott situation, finally realizing that she knows nothing about Eric currently and he very well could be doing unspeakables with Damien if he's going to be keeping secrets like whether or not his inappropriate sleepovers are still going on. Even though Jonathan already knows that Eric was keeping the breakup a secret -- that in fact this very secret is the reason they got back together for this date -- somehow now is the time for him to throw up his hands in defeat and compare Eric to Jenny Humphrey and run off down the street once again covered in Pinkberry.
Dan tries to get Blair to admit she sandbagged Jay McInerney, but since she didn't he just comes off looking even more weird and judgey than usual. Once Jay shows up -- talking mad asshole language -- Blair figures it out. Epperly takes them to the bar and leave Blair to complain to a passing server, "OMG, I was just poleaxed by a poor person!" The server is, of course, totally sympathetic and doesn't even punch her in the nuts.
Raina introduces Chuck to Stuart Fuji, "He's in the film business" she says, which I think might be a great joke if it means what I think it means, and then Chuck hustles her away from him so he can apologize for not trusting her. How many times do we cover the fact that Raina always tells the truth? Well, in this particular scene, three times. If this were a drinking game you'd be dead now. Chuck, though, sort of turns it around into awesome: "Raina, you're trying to take my company. How can I just trust you? You'd think less of me if I did!" He's right, but she still plays it all, "I couldn't think less of you than I do right now," so he explains further that it's the Bart Bass of it all making him act crazy, and she's like, "Still, you insulted me. Because I always tell the truth, and I never lie."
Ben finally locates Eric, who is downstairs in the foyer being suspicious with Damien. Damien works the angle by caressing Eric's face and getting territorial with his hair and generally being sketch and totally hot all at the same time, and runs off to get Eric, whom he calls "Babe," a drink. Chills everywhere on everybody. Even Serena is impressed: "Uh... So you're Damien's Babe now?" Yeah, have you met Damien Dalgaard? It's the most realistic thing that ever happened. Don't question it. The fact that it's a ruse -- which I still refuse to completely believe -- is the only thing that makes more sense than it being a reality.
"You Williamsburg Weasel!" Blair yells, and Dan's response is that he assumed she was going to screw him, because he still doesn't understand how B actually works. "Hillary Clinton is one of my role models. I do not break treaties, you ass." She runs off to tattle to Epperly, and he grabs her arm, and she... It's amazing, she sort of inexorably smoooooshes his face slowly, Cirque de Soleil slowly, pushes the face, pushes the face, and while you're being wowed by that oddly balletic move, things get moving super fast and then suddenly they are wrestling on the floor in front of God and everybody. Stefano shows up and he's like, "I'm on the list!" Epperly leads him into the party -- literally stepping over the prone and wriggling bodies of our heroes -- and assures them they are totally fired.
The Captain sweetly assures Nate that Chuck is family, and he would never hurt him, even though working with the Thorpes is already a (quote) "total contradiction," and but anyway what about Chuck boning Raina? Nate's like, "Shit, things are so fucking confusing all the time." Then the Captain, this is his glistening dialogue right here: "You know what? I think I'd rather live in a halfway house than live with someone who only halfway trusts me." Oh Captain my Captain, the wordplay of you.
Leading into wonderful Stars' wonderful "True Blue"-esque song "Changes," Dan's apology looks like this shit right here: "Come on. It was just an internship. I'm sure you can have your mother call and get you a new one in a second." Blair's complaint makes no sense at all: "She's a designer, she can't call in favors from a fashion magazine!"
(...¿Que?)
Dan's like, "Then what exactly? You don't get jobs like this without a connection." Still not getting Blair at all, is he. "I practically stalked Stefano, I spent the night at his lobby waiting to meet him. And after the police escorted me out for the third time, I faxed a letter to every machine in the building." Dan's impressed -- "that's like 200 fax machines" -- and she rolls her rueful eyes. "332." That's when Dan actually apologizes, but even he knows there's no saving his bacon this time. Why didn't she sabotage him even one time? Because Serena reminded her of the actual facts. "I must have some undiagnosed brain injury, because I stupidly thought that this fake friendship might be real." BURRRN. That would kill anybody, but especially Dan. Well done!
Serena is like, "You cannot date Damien Dalgaard! He is the worst!" She literally goes, "You're dating a demon!" Serena says the coolest shit sometimes. Eric, fully committed to the idea of freaking Serena's shit, starts talking about his relationship with Damien in words that apply either way, which is why I got so confused the first time I saw this. He's like, "Only Damien will be with me, because he likes me, and everybody else is obsessed with themselves, and I've been going through a lot, but because I am the only normal person on this show, only somebody that warped would even notice."
Serena's just like, "But remember when he took Jenny's virginity and then it turned out he didn't and then she made an entire outfit of drugs? This is just like that." Then Ben Donovan gets his Humphrey on, in a major way. "I'm sure all that [statutory rape/kidnapping/overdose/lockdown] drama has been overshadowing what's going on in everyone else's life, especially yours..." Eric tries to tell him to fuck off in the politest way possible, but will he? You don't know Ben. And the reason for that is, he's not actually a character yet.
"When I got locked up, I befriended some not very good guys. Found out the hard way, when you do things that betray who you are, it can become very difficult to recognize yourself. I don't want to see that happen to you."
Wait, so is everybody talking about blowjobs? On this show that's kind of always true, but I don't even know anymore. Maybe I'm just gross. Certainly a theory I've had before.
Or no, I guess maybe he's talking about the wild veering of his pinball storyline this year: How he went from being the kindest and most lady-respecting of Serena's teen obsessions, to being the kind of guy who would shank the Captain and send his nutsack sister to destroy Serena's life from the ground up, to being the first guy again, to being a farmer in those clothes, to working in a coffee shop, to being a psycho at the end of the episode. One of those versions of him apparently betrays and makes unrecognizable the other ones? Oh Ben, for being the central character of this season you sure do need to develop some qualities of some kind. "Giant eyeballs" is not a personality.
Eric finally admits that Serena's bullshit has taken its toll, between Lily being a monster and Serena forcing him back to the Ostroff and the role-reversals there, and then keeping the Elliott thing a secret -- and Serena telling him his love was not enough, which props to those who thought that shoe would eventually drop -- and then right when he needed her, she was off obsessing on Ben's whole life and everything. "I don't want to feel sad, I didn't want to feel anything, and the one thing about Damien is he is a good distraction, but... You're right. Thank you. I won't see him anymore."
Because think about Damien Dalgaard for one second. Retroactively inserting him into the boarding school backstory was a genius move and made him amazing, but if you remember last year at all, he basically started out as a Jenny plotpoint. He was notorious and all that, but it was still about resolving her issues with the aristocracy. Remember? She was all, "I'm going to be the Rebel Queen and there will be no rules!" and then before you knew it, she was awful, and that was Eric's last big story too. But now this year, it's actually way different, because we know he was in some kind of love with Serena, which means dating her little sister and brother was always about her, even though originally it wasn't.
So the timeline now is very different, because it goes: Georgina has the Fever. Serena kills a guy and runs off to boarding school to get rid of the Fever, and accidentally gives it to nerdy Damien, who eventually returns to the UES and gives it to Jenny, which is how she's finally able to break out of the prison of governance and leave town altogether. (The Fever is not a bad thing, it's just a thing.) And but now Damien's still got the Fever, and accidentally gave it to Juliet a little bit, and while everybody else is changing and benefitting from it, he's still stuck in this horrible loop where Ben is back and once again cock-blocking him with Serena, so who's going to get the Fever now? Little Eric, who always carries everybody on his back anyway. Those Rhodes genes: Ripe for the Fever, always. (Aunt Carol had the Fever, and gave it to Lily; the Fever started long ago.)
Which I think means this story is going to end up being about saving Damien, somehow -- if Ben does not kill him first -- because if he's lost he's well and truly lost and then the Fever will become everybody's problem again. And I do think that ultimately Ben will pay the price for that, but I'm not sure how any of this will actually go down. I just think Damien's tragic in a way we haven't figured out yet, but has somehow to do with the radioactivity of contact with Serena that transformed him from School Damien to our Damien. He was willing to do anything for her, including evils, which eventually will rebound back on her because it always does. The wolves and all.
Rufus approaches Serena and once again floats the idea that Ben is a creepster who sent his unstable sister to destroy everybody, and Serena once again is like, "Yeah, yeah. You're nobody until somebody kills you, don't worry about it," and then twists the knife so fucking expertly she could have literally anything she wanted from him in this moment: "He just gave Eric some really fatherly advice, helped convince him to stay away from Damien Dalgaard." Rufus can't believe Damien is fucking yet one more of his kids, but S just kind of leaves him to deal with that so she can chase Ben all around town some more.
Dan calls Epperly to apologize for being a dickwad and tells her that Blair was completely in the dark about his evil deeds and that he even tricked her into the embarrassing public fight.
Rufus goes to Eric and asks if he's doing or smuggling drugs, or making clothes out of drugs, and they have the most realistic drug conversation of any TV show ever: "I bought sleeping pills, and then I needed Adderall to wake back up, but that was it, and it was stupid, and I'm done with it." Which is what you want to hear, which means you can't ever believe it when you hear it, even from a kid like Eric, so Rufus (is awesome in this episode, credit where it's due) is like, "Seriously, no problem? But if you've got something going on, I love you very much and we will fix whatever it is."
What? You mean sometimes people use drugs a little bit and then stop once they're done experimenting? It doesn't automatically wreck their lives and make them monsters? What would Nancy Reagan say? Eric's grateful, because Rufus is being fantastic tonight -- note the lack of Lily, hmm -- and is very honest at this juncture: "I don't care about the drugs. Damien was just there when no one else would listen." And that is acceptable, with a little acceptable on top because it's Eric saying this. Eric has been through the fire and he knows what is too much and what is just enough, and the fact that circumstances were careening pretty close to what put him in the hospital in the first place, and he took steps to get support, is enough of an answer. It even makes up for/helps explain the few times he's been shitty this year.
Serena chases Ben all over the damn place screaming at him about they are FRIENDS and she wants to be his FRIEND and he's like, "I just want to forget you and the circumstances of my incarceration, what part of that is confusing? When I look at you I see a bunch of shit that was not my fault and a lot of things I'm not proud of. It is not healthy." Serena's like, "But look: It would make me feel a lot better." Plus, you know, he was just "amazing" with Eric or whatever and talked him into a minor breakdown, so clearly he hasn't changed that much. Ben assures her that he has changed, and also that she's not imagining that he is avoiding her, because he is avoiding her, because she keeps doing that head-trauma sex face at him, and then he cuts the crap: "I don't want to be with you. I didn't reciprocate back then, and I don't now." Serena literally jerks at this, having never heard shit remotely like that in her entire life, and smoke comes out of her works, and she suddenly has a feeling:
"I'm not heartbroken, I'm humiliated! I was falling for someone who wants nothing to do with me!" Blair's like, "Right, like I kept telling you. And anyway listen to my problem, which is that I'm going to be murdering your brother/lover some time soon." Of course, that's when Epperly calls, and is all put-together and sophisticated some more, and then Blair has her job back. "You know what I just remembered? If you really want something, you don't stop for anyone or anything until you get it."
This is the only part of the conversation that Serena actually pays attention to, because what she hears is: "You need to hound Ben to the ends of the earth. Admit no quarter. He will be yours. Act fucking psycho if you have to. This is your new mission in life. Start with making it everybody else's problem, like you were going to anyway." Done and done.
Rufus takes Ben for coffee, of course, and thanks him for being fatherly with Eric, and apologizes for how Lily has sort of made it her raison d'etre to push him to the fucking brink. Ben's like, "Please do not offer me more money, it's gross when you guys do that." But oh no, Rufus has a much more horrible plan: "I've got this loft in DUMBO, here are the keys." Does anybody live there? "No, I mean, just my son who is Serena's brother and occasionally fucks her, but you won't even notice the person living in the house that I just gave you. Oh, I guess I should notify Dan that I just gave his house to an ex-con." Ben actually thinks about it, even though he should fucking know by now to stay away from these people.
While Nate is finding out that the Captain actually followed through for once and has vanished from the Empire, so God knows what he's going to perseverate on now. And the Captain, he's over at Thorpe talking about how mean Chuck was to demand Raina fire him, and they talk about conflicts of interest and whatever, and Captain's like, "Screw those boys, I'm with you now."
Speak of the Devils, Chuck's over at Raina's apologizing for making his totally valid request, and Sutart Fuji is there looking naked, and she's like, "I told you who I was when we met [drink!]. I don't play games [drink!] in business or in my personal life. My father is going do everything humanly possible to acquire Bass Industries, it's not a secret [drink!]." Chuck totally goes, "Look, you're a beautiful girl who says what's on her mind [drink!] and isn't afraid of the consequences." He says something about the complications, he can deal with them, and she says "I think complications are the least of what I can handle," which: What does that even mean? She talks so crazy all the time. She's like, "I'd invite you in for a morninger, but Stuart is naked." And he knows she's telling the truth, because that's her deal.
Here's the one way this weird repetitive Raina thing will be awesome: Being so close to Chuck erodes her honesty and she finds herself doing nasty fake things and being like, "You have corrupted my honesty, my core feature! I no longer mean what I say with absolute certainty!" Which, given that this has been historically Dan's storyline (and Vanessa's even moreso) about 8 in 10 times, seems like a good bet. Plus, it provides a nice counterpoint to the Unassailable Fleur Delacour story that started the season, doesn't it? ("Even though you make me a better man and I depend on you for emotional stability, I still can't shake this weird feeling that you are a French whore solely after my money and a green card. Wait, where are you going? Was it something I repeatedly said?")
"Guess it turns out your friend wasn't worthy," they say, and Blair smiles a little sadly to herself. "Tell me about it. I've been trying to convince people for years. But just so you know, he was never really my friend." And what's sad is that she believes it, because she has to. But I don't think it'll last.
"Thank you so much, Rufus. We're just not going to take no for an answer. Ben is still a good person, I know he is!" And just S saying that is enough to flip some switch in his head and let Ben #3 out of the cage. He appears out of the shadows and shoves Damien Dalgaard into the wall and, jaws smacking, slavering, screams in the face: "Consider this a warning. Stay away from Serena, stay away from her family! I will rat your job out to your father the Ambassador! You bring shame!" Damien, of course, is cool as a cucumber: "What do you care? Those people ruined your life, not me..." Ah, right: Serena Curse. "You actually like her!" he grins, and Ben shoves him around some more and tells him to disappear.
Which is the number one way on this show to make sure people stick around, and that goes double for making scary phone calls. Of all the ways an episode has ended in the ten years I have been watching this show, I think this is up there among the very greatest. It is, in its way, up there with "I killed someone," thanks solely to Air Bud's acting. Before Ben is even a yard away, dude's got Eric on speed dial. "Hey," he says softly, "What are you doing right now?" Eric tells him he doesn't want any drugs, and Damien, you can hear the smile in his voice but not how it doesn't quite reach his eyes.
"No," he laughs, "That's not what I meant." And the whole time he's staring into the camera, face filling the frame, just dead inside, ghost of a total stranger, mouth full of spit, just on fire with creepiness. Not creepiness: Direction. Drive. He has the look of a person consumed by purpose. The Christian Bale, the James Spader of it all. The tiny bit of aching need in his voice that Eric would never be able to resist. And when he says he's coming, Damien grins. "Good," he says sweetly, and hangs up.
"Good," he says. To nobody at all. Seriously, that's one of the best all-time GG scenes. I have no idea what it means, where it's headed -- probably somewhere that delivers on this promise in no real way, because it seems like an episode-specific writer or director flourish -- but I have nothing to add, except that sometimes this show will surprise you, even when you think you've seen it all. XOXO.
: Florence + The Machine sing my favorite song (or at least a tie with her "Halo" cover on Live Lounge, which you gotta hear immediately if you haven't), and even though last year she was the Dan/Vanessa band both times she showed up I've got fingers crossed it doesn't mean anything. Other than that, I'm not really sure. But I'm very, very excited! This show is great!