Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Fever Started Long Ago
By Jacob Clifton | Season 4 | Episode 13 | Aired on 01.31.2011
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.You get an internship at W Magazine where you learn that you are not the only Blair Waldorf-type person in Manhattan. One of the other Blair Waldorfs is your secret bestie Dan Humphrey, who got this job, like America Ferrara and Anne Hathaway before him, by actually wanting to work for an entirely different magazine.
War commences. You contact Lorrie Moore for a party, but Dan pulls Jay McInerney out of his ass yet again. He stoops to sabotage, while you stay loyal. It is a reversal of expectations.
Things end in a dance-floor tussle that has all the makings of future boning. In the end, Dan concedes that he is a prick-face, and you get to keep your job.
Or you learn that your business foe has hired the father of your live-in BFF, who is also living with you, so you approach your foe's autistic daughter and ask her to get him fired.
She breaks up with you and hires a male Asian prostitute for her needs, but later forgives you, with tongue. The Captain moves out of your house. Not sure where.
Or you find out that your old patsy Damien Dalgaard is now dealing drugs, and dick, to your little brother. You worry about this as much as possible, but are distracted by the come-and-go attentions of your ex-con former crush, who is being paid off by your mother yet again to leave town. To farm, organically.
After he spurns your affections for the fifth confusing time you get your stepmother Rufus Humphrey to give him the loft in DUMBO, even though your brother already lives there. Even though he is in love with you and says he is not in love with you, he gets all jailhouse rock on Damien Dalgaard and it is sexy, and then Damien Dalgaard calls your little brother up again. For some revenge. For a blowjob and some revenge. So now DUMBO is sexier than ever, and Damien Dalgaard is still putting it to your brother, possibly, or never was. That part was confusing for everybody.
But also hot as hell.
Either way, you realize that Damien Dalgaard is the most realistic thing that has ever happened on this show.
Next week: Cosmic love.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!So here's what everybody's up to: Chuck and Raina Thorpe are still doin' it, talking that mad confusion business rival sex stuff like "Who knew what a turn-on it would be?" and "As long as we play clean in business, I'm happy to keep it dirty between the sheets" and crap like that. Gossip Girl is trying to stay warm, quilting in her spare time and sleeping in a pile of her many cats, mourning over how Jennifer Aniston made Perez Hilton be nice, wondering if she can take his place.
Eric is so lonely he thinks Serena can be places, but she's ignoring his pleas for attention because she's still desperately trying to make Ben Donovan approve of her breasts. And Blair is starting her internship, which we know is going to be at a fashion magazine because of last week but Serena assumes is at either a doughnut shop or the CIA, because that's how Serena thinks.
"This is like living with Don Draper!" Serena sighs, after Blair cups one magnificent boob in her hand, puts out a cigarette in her morning scotch, and heads off to keep her many wives in the dark about each other. Left alone for the day in the gilded cage of her own forgotten dreams, Serena heads upstairs to beat her children, while smoking one hundred cigarettes and struggling internally with the revolutionary ideas of one Betty Friedan.
Dan is so grateful that Lily got him a job at another mysterious magazine which is actually the same mysterious magazine, obviously, although Lily already knows he's going to hate it, because if the movies have taught us anything it's that fashion magazine internships are the White Elephant of internships: Nobody really wants to work there, it's certainly not a deadly competition full of double-crosses and eating disorders, no, it's just a stepping stone to being the next Saul Bellow generally.
Daniel skips breakfast, gamely, and when he's gone Lily's like, "Well, at least one of our kids likes me. Too bad it's the worst one." Rufus tells her not to worry, because at least they haven't had Vanessa climbing in the windows or shinnying up the air conditioning lately, and Jenny's letters from Hudson are no longer just pictures cut out of Vogue with tiny dicks drawn on the ladies and red-marker blood coming out of their eyes.
"I get Ben out on parole, but Serena and Eric continue to treat me like I'm toxic!" Rufus, having learned a thing or two, immediately says that it's preposterous anybody would think the horrible shit she's constantly doing to their kids could ever have consequences, and so he lives another day. "Everything I do, or have ever done, is for my children," Lily says. And scoff away, but she's not wrong: The serial monogamy with old dudes was all about her kids, the constant business backstabbing is always about the family, pretending at different times that her troubled children don't exist is done for their benefit, and even the elaborate ruse about her mother's fake cancer was only to cover up her own fake cancer. It's not that she's wrong, it's that she goes about things so poorly she might as well be trying actively to destroy them.